AUTHOR NOTES:

Hi guys!

This chapter is just a mix of random and important conversations for Bella and Edward. I realized I needed to improve their communication and their knowledge on what has been going on with their lives while they were apart, so this is basically it.

I also tried to make clear Jacob's involvement with this story. As I said on the synopsis, I don't plan on getting any Jacob romance in this fanfic, so I just needed to stablish his place here, and I think it is clear enough.

Later on this chapter, we start dipping our toes on why this is a MATURE rated story, so you have been warned!

Love,

-B

Full Moon – Chapter 4

I didn't know exactly how to answer Edward, on the Jacob subject. It was very hard to put in words everything that Jake meant to me, during the worst time of my life, but also after it. I wish I could explain to Edward all of it. How Jake was the only reason why I smiled that year. How he never left my side, even when I decided to do the craziest unimaginable things I could do. I wish I could tell Edward how broken I was when Jake came back into my life, and how he put me together, piece by piece, as he did with the bikes. But I knew I couldn't. I didn't want Edward to know how much he actually hurt me. I didn't want him to know how bad it was. I also didn't know how much, about the wolves and Jacob's secrets, I was allowed to share with the Cullens. So, I decide to tell the basics of it.

"Jake is Jacob Black, my friend from the Quileute Reserve, you met him before. When you guys left, I was a mess. I ended up not having many friends, as I wasn't much for socializing for a while, and Jake was there for me. I've known Jake my whole life, we used to make mud pies together when we were kids. He's the son of Charlie's best friend, Billy Black." I say, as I try to cuddle up on his chest, making myself comfortable. "He's a year younger than me, so I helped him with homework and school stuff, and he helped me by keeping me company and taking me into different human adventures. When I explained to him what I wanted to do with my life, on the whole being human and having human experiences, he stood by my side and protected me thru the whole thing." I feel that Edward is getting tense under my body, and I make sure to clear up things. "He was just my friend though, more like a brother than anything else. He knows how prone to almost deadly experiences I am, and he kept me safe. I think you'd like him, to be honest." Edward hold back a laugh and I look at his face questioning it.

"I doubt me and the wolf would be friends, Bella." He raises an eyebrow. "I leave you, so you can have a normal human life, and you decide to get into the werewolf land. I should have known you'd run to the first supernatural being you could find." I can feel the judgment in his voice, and something else that sounds like jealousy too.

"It wasn't like that Edward. He wasn't a werewolf when we started hanging out. Well, I've known him my whole life, we've been friends since way before that. Jake even tried staying away from me, after he turned. He wanted me to have my normal human life too, but I was in danger. Laurent was in town and he was checking up on me, to see if I was still part of your family. Jake and the wolves protected me. And, when I decided to pursue fun human activities to do, Jake thought it was smart having someone with me that could protect me from myself." I am a bit angry with the way he judged me for looking for solace in Jacob, so I decide to point that out too. "And even if the whole thing, was me deciding to run to the first supernatural being I could find, that would be your fault. You left. I don't think you can blame me for trying to look for solace with someone that could understand everything I lost, that wouldn't judge me crazy for knowing the things I knew, someone that I could actually talk to."

"I wasn't blaming you, Bella. I was blaming myself. As you pointed out, if I hadn't left, you wouldn't feel in the need to find someone to talk to that could understand what you went thru. That you could talk about without worrying if you said something too much. I don't appreciate that you ran to the wolves, as they aren't the safest beings to be around in this planet, but I understand it's my fault. And I'm sorry I put you on that spot."

"I would have run to Jacob anyway, Edward. He is my best friend. He won't be happy with me when I tell him you are back in my life, but he will have to get over it. And you will have to accept that he is part of my life too." He starts opening his mouth to say something and I cut him before he can. "And no, he's not dangerous to be around. You're probably more dangerous than he is, around me. So, I'm not accepting that excuse."

"It's exactly because I'm dangerous to you, and you still allow me to be around, that I don't trust your judgment on who is or isn't dangerous."

"I don't care. I'm an adult and I choose my own friends, end of this discussion." I say, yawning again. "Anything else you want to know on this subject, before we move on from it?"

"I'm just curious, you keep mentioning the human activities and experiences that Jacob helped you with and protected you through, what were those?" Oh, here we go…

"I will tell you everything, as long as you promise not getting mad at me, and you promise not to try to control what I do with my human life." I bargain, predicting his reactions. I know he's not too happy about it, but he agrees. "Jake taught me how to ride a bike, we went cliff diving together, bungee jumping, rock climbing, skydiving, basically we went thru a couple bucket lists, to make sure I had all experiences a human would have. And before you say anything, it was my choice, all of them, and he was against it all, but he went with me to keep me safe."

"Bella… When I say I expected you to have a human life with human experiences, I meant more like school dances, parties, getting drunk or high illegally but safely, having a normal boyfriend, going to college, but not trying to kill yourself in all ways imaginable." He sounds a bit angry, but I know it's only because he was scared for me. I feel his arms holding me a bit closer and stronger, and him placing a kiss on my head, and I know he's just glad I'm still here with him.

"I did those things too." I give to him, almost as an apology. "I went to boring school dances, to the Jessica Stanley graduation party, I was grounded for 3 entire months when I got home passing out drunk. I tried dating, went out with a handful of different guys, started college, got a job. I did everything I could do, to fulfill a happy human lifetime. You should just be proud."

"I am proud. Doesn't mean I don't worry. Jacob should have known better."

"Edward, it wasn't his fault. He did try to stop me, but you know that's not possible. So, he did the second-best thing he could do, jumped head first on all of my human experiences, and kept me safe."

"ALL of your human experiences?" He asked, and I feel him stiffening again under my body. And here we go, the part I knew he was trying to get to.

"Most of them, I guess. He couldn't join me for my dates, and he didn't come to college with me, as he is younger, but yeah, he was there for most of it."

"So, you and Jacob, you never dated?"

"No. We never dated." I say, but I know he can feel in my voice there's something else there. I know I can't lie to him, so I decide to make everything clear. "He wanted to. We did go out a couple times, he tried kissing me, once or twice, but there was nothing there for me. Took him a while to understand that I don't think about him in that way, and it was a bit weird for a few months after I realized he did actually feel something for me, but we grew out of it. He's dating now, and he seems genuinely happy, so I'm sure we are over it."

"He kissed you when you didn't want it?" He's angry, oh no.

"NO! Well, yeah, I wasn't expecting it at all, but it wasn't like he was forcing me into it. I guess we tried, and it wasn't it for me." I consider if I should or not tell him the next part, but I decide that, if we are being completely honest here, I should let this out now. "We had a whole conversation and deal on being each other's… firsts. I guessed that, since he was the one helping me through all my human experiences, maybe he would help me through that one too. But then, when we started kissing and trying to evolve it, I decided that was not how I wanted that to happen. So, we stopped, and never talked about it again. And we just kept a normal friendship after it." Edward is quiet, very quiet, while processing the information I just gave him. I know he's mad, a possibly disappointed in me, but I needed to just put this out and go over it.

"I guess I understand." He says after a couple minutes, and I'm in shock. "I mean, who wouldn't fall in love with you? And if you two felt that comfortable around each other, why not try. But I have to admit that I'm glad the dog wasn't your first, not human enough, you know?" I know he's trying to make a joke, but the subject is still a bit weird between us. I know he's curious about it, and at the same time probably extremely jealous, so I decide to give him the option to chose how much he wants to know, as I have nothing to hide.

"I can tell you about those experiences, if you feel like you need to know. I guess we never discussed sex at all, even before, so we would have to get to that subject anyway at some point." I offer, nervous and anxious about his answer. He takes a few minutes before answering.

"I don't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, so if you don't want to, I'm good with that. I also don't want to make you hide anything from me, if it is something you want to talk about. So, I guess what I mean, is that it is your choice. I'm not going to lay here and pretend I'm not curious about it. About why you did it, about who you thought it was a good choice for it, and all things around the idea. But I also can't pretend I'm not jealous and a bit hurt, although I have no rights to be hurt at all. And deep down, I'm just proud of you. I just wanted you to go out there and live, and be happy, and I knew that was a part of it, and I'm glad you did. So, it's just confusing to me, I guess." I like the way he's being honest with me, and I decide to open the conversation more.

"I get why you are hurt, and also why you feel like you shouldn't be. And I'm not actually uncomfortable talking about it with you. You are my partner, and I hope we get to be together forever now that we found each other again, so we would get to this some day anyway." I make a pause, and I feel relieved when he smiles at me and making his hold on me stronger, as in saying he is never going to leave me again, so I decide to pour it all out.

"His name was Rick, we were on a few freshman classes together, and he was nice. We always went out to study together, and we became really close. One day he convinced me to go to a party with him, and we both got a bit drunk and started to talk a bit too much about our lives, and we found out we both had never been with anyone like that before. He grew up in a very religious family that believed that was wrong, but then he gave up on that idea, but by then he was already 18 and people were judging him for being a virgin and he didn't want to do it over pressure." I take a pause before telling the rest. "So, we basically decided we would try dating, and if we liked that, maybe we could try other things too, and just get that out of the way, so we would feel a bit freer to explore more of life." I don't know how to continue it, so Edward takes over.

"So, you too dated, for a while?" He asks, waiting for the rest of the story.

"We tried." I laugh, before continuing. "We were extremely compatible, maybe too compatible to be honest, and we both felt like something was out of place there. But still, we decided to try sex. And it was as weird and awkward as you can imagine it being, although I hope you're not imagining it." I add up quickly, but I can see in his face he did, oops. "But yeah, we went for it, wasn't bad, just super awkward, like it wasn't totally right. Later on, we figured out that the weird part was due to Rick actually being gay, so yeah."

"Wait." I'm holding back my laugh as Edward tried to assimilate the words I had just said. "You lost your virginity to a gay guy?"

"Yes. It's more common than you'd know. I guess some of them do try it all before accepting themselves, and I'm honestly glad I could help Rick figure that out for himself. Although, I have to admit, it was a hit on my self-esteem, and probably the reason why I waited another year before trying anything else with another guy." I take a deep breath before ripping the last band-aid. "And then I just decided I wanted to experiment a bit and give men a chance, to see if the problem was Rick or sex in general. And that is what I was doing before, when well… When all of this happened. I actually, last week, just reached the knowledge that I didn't care about sex with random guys at all. I told myself I was done with it till I could have it with the one person I cared about and honestly would want to have that experience with." I stop and prob myself up in one arm to look at his face before finishing my sentence. "You."

I feel his stare into my soul, and I know his brain is going insane right now. I stay in that position looking at him for a while before he is able to put his thoughts in order and talk to me.

"Bella… We can't." He starts, and I cut him.

"I don't mean now Edward, although I'm not opposed to it at all. I know we have a lot to work on, and we have a whole eternity for it. I also know that you are a vampire and this can be extremely dangerous. We can barely kiss, without both of us going insane, so I know we would have to work our way there, I just meant in general. I was decided on waiting for you, no matter how long that would take, and I'm still decided on that, so it's all good."

"I just don't know how to." He says, after a while, and I agree with my head. We had had the whole 100+ years old virgin discussion before, and I honestly didn't expect that to have changed in the past 3 years at all, so it wasn't a shock for me. "You're so fragile, I just don't want to hurt you, ever again." I make a mental note on how honest and open we are being with each other, and how much that means to me.

"And that is fine, as I said. We can work our way up to it whenever we feel like we want to. Patience is a virtue, I learned that these past few years." I lay back down on his chest, sleepy but very into our conversation.

"Won't you miss though? I know that once you have it, your body gets used to it, and most people feel the need to continue having sex to fulfill their needs. I wouldn't get on your way, if you needed that." He offers, and I laugh a bit.

"Yeah, I'll probably miss it. It is fun and all, and the reason why I had quite a few partners the past few months, but nothing I can't live without." And then the bags Alice put on my closet comes to my mind and I smile a bit. "And you know, your sisters made sure I'd have whatever I need to keep my needs satiated, don't worry." He raises his head and look at me, confused.

"What did Alice and Rose do?" He sounds worried and confused, and I laugh.

"Well, I only got a quick glance on one of the handful of bags they got me from a nice sex shop, but it seems like Rose and Allie decided to give me quite the collection of sex toys. I guess Alice saw this conversation coming up, and she wanted to give me things to work with." I shrug, still smiling.

"My sisters bought you sex toys? When did that happen?" He sounds genuinely curious, and I'm surprised they didn't let that get away, and they were actually able to hide their thoughts from him.

"I'll presume that it was sometime between yesterday after Rose's shift at the hospital and us getting home this morning. I haven't taken a look at them at all though, but Alice told me I shouldn't until they are here later, so I guess I'll wait." I see something is going around his mind, and I decide to ask him what's going on in his brain.

"There's a lot of things going around my brain right now, Miss Swan, trust me." He answers, and I smile a bit more, knowing what he meant. Oh, the ideas… "I am curious about something though." He continues, and I signal him to continue. "Do you already own any of those? You know, from before my sisters getting into your life?"

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Are you really asking a lady if she owns sex toys? What would you mom think of that?" I joke around, knowing he would be a bit worried about my reaction, but he would realize it was just a joke. "No, I don't. I just wouldn't know what to go for, honestly. I had thought about the idea of getting some, but never got around to do so. I guess I don't need to now. I still have no clue of what they are or what to do with them though, so we will see. Or maybe you will see, and I will be the one feeling it." I wink at him, and I can see he's completely surprised by my answer.

I can't deny that the ideas around my mind, and the possibilities that having those opened for me, were making me horny, and I knew Edward could feel that too. And as if I was working to cut the mood completely, I yawn again, and Edward laughs.

"Alright, enough from this conversation. You should have been asleep for this whole time. We can discuss sex toys and what to do with them later, the human needs to sleep." He says, tucking my blankets around me and pushing me a little bit away from him.

"We can do way more than discussing them and what they can do, you know…" I start, and he raises an eyebrow towards me, and I smile. I know this is affecting him too, and it is nice to see he is as into it as I am. "Okay, sleep. Love you." I say, cuddling up and closing my eyes.

"I love you too, my Bella." He kisses my forehead, and starts singing my lullaby, and my brain is taken over by images of us together, before all of this, and plans for our future days. At some point I pass out, with images of us and those toys going around my mind.

I know I'm dreaming, cause in my dream Edward feels warm to my touch. Not Jacob warm, but human warm. I can feel his hands going around my body, touching me in places Edward never dared to. I am glad the dream doesn't go too far, cause when I wake up Edward isn't in my room anymore. Instead of him, Alice and Rosalie are sat on my floor, just smiling at me and waiting until I get up. Oh boy, here we go.