Author's note: I do not own anything having to do with Supernatural, only Leah belongs to me. Just a reminder SUPERNATURAL signifies a break in time. Please excuse any mistakes as I don't have a Beta but if anyone is interested send me a PM! As always please remember to ~Read and Review~

I know it takes me forever to update this story and I send out my deepest apologies and my sincere thanks for sticking with me!

I'm skipping Hollywood Babylon because I didn't find it relevant and Folsom Prison Blues because I can't figure out how to fit Leah in without taking from someone else's story BUT since I'm skipping both episodes and I haven't updated in forever this chapter is 100% totally and completely original, which I haven't done since the second chapter! It's shorter than past chapters and sort of a filler but I hope you enjoy nonetheless and I have already started on the next chapter!

Chapter 39- I Can't Stand Up for Falling Down

"Please, I'm asking you to save me," Michael pleaded with the last words coming out barely over a whisper.

I raised my gun and shot him right in the heart but when he fell to the ground it was Sam's face staring back at me.

"No!" I screamed and ran to him but it was too late I had killed my own brother.

I jolted awake and ran a hand over my tired face. It was the same nightmare that had been haunting me ever since we left San Francisco though the face always seemed to change. I would shoot Michael but when the body landed on the floor it was always someone different; Sam, dad, mom and even Ronald.

I sat in the motel room thumbing through a book a previous guest had left behind in the nightstand trying to distract myself, thankful that neither brother had been around to see how abruptly I had woken up. It was a small book filled with poems, quotes and beautiful paintings but one poem in particular stood out.

Another World

There must be another world,

One where everyone is happy,

Where you can be yourself

Without having to worry about what people think.

There must be another world,

One where true love exists,

Where once you find the one you love,

You never have to give them up.

There must be another world,

One where there is a true meaning of family,

Where a mother and father love their children,

No matter what they say or do.

There must be another world,

One where life is fair,

Where you treat people how you want to be treated,

Not on how they may appear.

There must be another world,

One where I fit in,

Where I get the guy,

Not someone more beautiful than myself.

There must be another world,

One where there is a lock on it,

Where you need a key to get in,

Just when you find it, don't forget me.

I scoffed as I threw the book back in the drawer, thinking that someone would be naïve enough to imagine a world like that even existed and grabbed the remote to flip through the minimal channels the motel offered. Two channels in and I landed on a baseball game, any other time it wouldn't have even caught my attention but I left it on reminding myself of the happiness I felt when I was with Michael. It was still on when Sam got out of the shower, the steam from the bathroom following him out as he looked from the television to where I sat with my legs crossed underneath me on the bed.

I knew I should have changed the channel before he got out or before Dean got back with dinner but I was too wrapped up in the memory to bother. I had been foolish in thinking that even if I would have found a way to save Michael that we would have ended up together. It wasn't like I could of asked him to drop everything in his normal life to hit the road with us and I knew I would never settle down in the apple-pie life. I stared at the television without actually paying attention to what was happening in the game or what was happening in the room around me and almost jumped out of my skin when Dean sat down next to me, handing me a box of sweet and sour chicken with a set of chop sticks.

"I still don't understand why you insist on using those things," Dean commented as I separated the sticks and took a bite.

"Because you can't eat Chinese food without them," I argued as Sam sat on the other side of me with his lo mien.

"Yes, you can," Dean smirked grabbing one of my pieces of chicken with his fingers and popping it in his mouth, "See?"

I rolled my eyes at his childish antics while Sam and Dean had another one of their silent conversations over my head and Dean must have lost since he spoke up first, "So, we were thinking of taking a little vacation after we help out Deacon."

"Vacation?" I questioned raising an eyebrow and it was Sam's turn to answer.

"It's just after everything that happened…"

"Stop," I quickly cut him off. We didn't speak after leaving Michael's house and though the topic was danced around it hadn't been brought up.

"Look," Dean sighed setting his food on the bedside table, "we're happy you're eating again but…"

"We still think we should talk about what happened," Sam finished his thought and I wasn't aware until that moment they had basically barricaded me on the bed giving me nowhere to escape. "And maybe figure out where your head is at with all of this."

"He was safe," I mumbled earning confused looks from both brothers.

"Michael wasn't…" Sam started again until Dean cut him off.

"You aren't even listening to us," he realized following my line of sight.

"What?" I asked turning my attention from the television back to the chicken. Dean grabbed the remote and turned the game off before dramatically tossing the remote onto the other bed as if to prove a point.

"Just talk to us," Sam basically begged with sad eyes.

"I don't know what to say," I shrugged hoping there would be someway out of this without having to tell them how I really felt but I was starting to think that wasn't going to happen.

"Tell us what's going on in that head of yours," Dean tried, bumping his knee against mine to get my attention, "and then we can go to Disneyworld."

"You're going to go to Florida?" I asked with amazement, "and here I thought you didn't do shorts."

"Oh, no," Dean shook his head and scrunched his face in horror that I would even think he would wear anything but jeans, "there's one here in California."

"That's Disneyland," I corrected him, "big difference."

"How is it different they both have mice…" Dean argued until, unfortunately, he caught on to me trying to change the subject, "nice try…now spill." I still didn't answer, my Winchester stubbornness making its appearance, and he was quickly losing any patience he had. "Leah Marie!"

"What?!" I exclaimed hoping I could wait them out. It didn't work often but there had been times in the past that they would get annoyed and give up.

"Deacon is waiting for us to get to Arkansas but I'm not going until I know your head is on straight and I know you'll be alright by yourself for a week," Dean replied almost staring me down threatening with his eyes that I should 'speak now or forever hold my piece'.

Deacon was a friend of my dad's from way back and was working as a corrections officer at a prison in Little Rock, Arkansas. Apparently, he thought something supernatural was going on and he wanted dad's help but when he found out that he had passed away Dean piped in and said we would take the job. However, working at a prison full of criminals, Dean and Sam wanted me no where near the place so I was supposed to 'relax' and 'catch up on soap operas' for a week at some random motel room until they were done.

"Yeah, about that…" I started and shifted as much as I could on the bed with both of them not bothering to move, "I was thinking about going to help Ellen out at the bar for a little while."

"I don't know why we didn't think about that before," Dean smiled, patting me on the knee for coming up with a solution to his problem, and picking up his food to begin eating again.

Sam, on the other hand, was still stuck in interrogation mode, "How long is awhile?"

"Just until you guys are finished," I shrugged, praying he wouldn't see through my lie.

Truth was ever since leaving Michael's that day I had been thinking about taking a break from hunting but I didn't know how to explain that to my brothers without sending out red flags. It was never something I even considered before but a lot had changed. The world was a lot less black and white. I could have chosen to go to Bobby's, the old hunter being like a second father to me, but the thought of being able to stay at a bar with an endless supply of alcohol sounded much more appealing.

"Maybe she just wants to see Ash again," Dean smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Yeah…no," I shook my head, forgetting that particular piece of the equation but I had to keep reminding myself that Jim, Jack and Jose would be there waiting for me.

"You're encouraging her to hook up with Ash?" Sam questioned and I wanted to melt into the pillows and just disappear.

"Hell no!" Dean protested realizing what he had implied.

SUPERNATURAL

"And you are sure this is ok?" Dean double checked with Ellen as I walked in with my duffle over my shoulder.

"Of course, you three are always welcome here anytime," she replied with a smile but Dean still seemed hesitant about leaving.

The idea sounded great to him at the time but the closer we got to the roadhouse the louder the music blared from the speakers and the snappier he got with his answers to our questions.

"Don't worry about it Dean, I'll keep an eye on her," Ellen reassured him and I couldn't help but shake my head. It's not like I needed a babysitter and it wasn't like I hadn't spent time away from them before.

They each gave me a hug, Dean whispering in my ear to call Deacon if I needed them for anything and they would be back here in a heartbeat and Sam telling me Dean could do the job alone if I wanted him to stay with me. After the third time of promising that I would be alright they finally started to head to the door when Ash walked out from his backroom.

"My senorita has returned," he said as his whole face lit up, "I hear you couldn't get enough of me and just had to come back for more."

"What?" Dean questioned quickly turning around and removing his hand from the door.

"Oh…uh…" Ash stumbled over his words and rubbed the back of his neck.

I let out a small laugh that at twenty three years old Dean still treated me like the little girl he used to walk to class and threaten any boy that even glanced in my direction.

"Dean, isn't Deacon waiting for you?" I reminded him trying to spare Ash the wrath of my eldest brother.

"I'm warning you, lay anything but eyes on her and we'll be having a nice long chat when we get back," Dean promised pointing a menacing finger at him before walking out the door and pulling Sam with him.

"He's not serious is he?" Ash asked moving to make sure they got in the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

"As a heart attack," I nodded and patted him on the arm, "but don't worry, the amount of things Dean doesn't know could fill the Chrysler building. So, Ellen, where should I drop my stuff?"

"You could always bunk with me," Dylan smirked leaning against the wall. Of course, he didn't make his appearance until after both brothers had walked out the door, got in the car and drove away.

"As you can see we're kind of a full house, Dylan has the cot in the back, so you'll be in Jo's old room," she answered motioning to the upstairs, "it's the first door on the right."

"Awesome," I forced a smile and made my way up the stairs.

I flopped down on the bed and thought how I must be in some alternate universe. Jo was out on her own and hunting while I was here in her room, getting ready to work at the roadhouse and wondering if Ellen would let me stay. I laid there until it got dark and I could hear the bar getting busy downstairs.

"What can I do to help?" I asked Ellen as poured two shots and placed them on the bar in front of two customers.

"Nothing," she waved me off, "Dylan and Ash are in his backroom."

"No, no, no, I came here to help," I told her honestly.

"Well, your brothers seem to think you need a vacation, so take these back to the boys," she said handing me three beers, "and go have fun." I turned to walk towards the back, not that I planned on staying, when Ellen called me back. "Leah?"

"Yeah?"

"Your brothers won't be back for a week, so if you have a hangover tomorrow, no one will know," she said with a sly smile handing me a bottle of Jack Daniels and shooing me towards the back.

Yup, definitely made the right choice not going to Bobby's, or at least that's what I thought until I walked into Ash's room.

"I'm telling you if that bastard shows his face this thing will tell me," Ash said pointing to something on his computer with Dylan looking over his shoulder.

"There has to be some mistake, he's been quiet for too long," Dylan disagreed.

"Are you questioning my skills?" Ash asked in shock.

"Ahem," I cleared my throat making my presence known.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away," Dylan said coming over, grabbing two beers and handing one to Ash, "So, what do you want to do tonight?"

"Maybe she'd like some music," Ash suggested as he shuffled over to the CD player and 'Supermassive Black Hole' started playing.

"Nope, just dropping off your beers," I said slightly cringing as I heard the song, "I have a date with Jack tonight."

"Jack?" they both questioned at the same time.

"Night, boys," I basically sang as I walked out and back up to Jo's room.

I let the burning liquid take away any thoughts I had about not being able to save Michael, how in the moment I pulled the trigger I knew I would never be able to save Sam and how I wished more than anything my dad was here to give me the answers I so desperately craved.

Playing with the charm on my necklace I thought about what he would do in this situation. It was something I had done since elementary school when I had to make a decision, no matter how big or inconsequential, I would think about what my dad would do trusting in my heart that he would always choose the right path.

This time was different, this time I don't think even my dad would have had the answers though he would have done everything he could to figure it out. But what happens when no matter where you look or who you ask there just isn't an answer? When do you throw that little white flag in the air, surrendering to a high power? The problem was you didn't because no matter what happens, you don't give up on your family. This wasn't a simple problem of finding the demon and killing it, something was supposed to happen to Sam that we had to save him from. It could happen at anytime, anywhere and without warning. All we knew for sure was that something was going to happen, something so horrible that we would have to take out our own brother if and only if we couldn't save him. And just like that your back to the main problem, how do you save someone without knowing what to save them from?

I poured more of the burning liquid down my throat and hastily wiped away a few tears that had escaped before a small defeated smile played at the corner of my lips. Here I was trying to figure out what my dad would do and I was already doing it. Drowning my sorrows, finding my way to the bottom of the glass bottle and letting the alcohol float me away to a peaceful nights sleep.

SUPERNATURAL

A week had passed quicker than I thought was possible. Dylan had left last night anxious to get out and find the demon after making me promise again that if I heard anything I would let him know. Ash seemed relieved to see him go and I could only wonder if he and Dylan had discussed past encounters.

During the week I had asked Ellen if she had thought about renting Jo's room out and hinted to the fact that I might be interested in it but she just laughed it off thinking I was playing around. I wasn't. It was a great feeling to stay up all night with a bottle of liquid comfort and to have a peaceful nights sleep without nightmares plaguing them.

"Last night here, sweetie, better make it a good one," Ellen winked at me as she went over and turned the music up on the jukebox.

Def Leppard's 'Pour Some Sugar on Me' started playing and without a second thought I was up on the bar dancing along to the music and singing into a half empty bottle of Jose. If I had been sober or even paying attention I would have noticed my two very surprised brothers walk in as I swayed my hips to the music.

"What the hell?" Dean exclaimed causing me to look over to where they were standing, "When did this turn into Coyote Ugly?"

"She's just having some fun," Ellen defended me as Sam wrapped an arm around my legs and set me on the ground, "I kept an eye on her."

"Every guy in the bar has an eye on her!" Dean hollered his face quickly becoming red with anger, "Get your stuff, we're leaving."

"Fine," I pouted and trudged my way up the stairs with Sam following behind to make sure I didn't decide to pass out.

I threw the few items of clothes that were on the bed into the bag while Sam motioned to the empty bottles of liquor around the room, "Have a little too much fun?"

"Never too much," I replied climbing on top of the bed so I could easily jump on Sam's back.

"Alright, let's go before Dean blows a gasket," Sam said grabbing my bag with one arm while using the other to hold onto my legs.

"I'm going to miss you," I whispered and rested my head on his shoulder, the alcohol removing any filter I had on what I should and shouldn't say out loud.

SUPERNATURAL

"How you feeling?" Dean asked as I shuffled my way out of the bathroom the next morning.

"Peachy keen."

"You ever going to tell us what is going on in that head of yours?" Sam questioned gently as he placed take-out boxes on the table for our breakfast of champions.

"Sure," I nodded, "there's neurons and synapses…"

"That's not what I meant," Sam sighed slightly annoyed, "you need to talk about what happened with Michael."

"Well I did with my good friends, they helped me out," I answered taking a seat on the edge of the bed, "Dean, I think you know them…Jim, Jack and Jose?"

"Enough of the witty comebacks," Dean exclaimed making me jump slightly, "answer the damn question!"

"What?!" I yelled back not being able to take it anymore, "What do you want me to say, Dean? That it sucks I had to shoot him? That I wish to God we never took the damn job in the first place? That it just proved to me no matter how hard I try there are things in life you just can't change. That no matter what I do, I have to come to terms with the fact that Sam is going to die! That I wanted nothing more than to walk away from it all but I knew deep down I couldn't! I just…I can't…I don't…" I hadn't realized I started to cry until Sam sat down next to me, pulling me into his side and resting his head on top of mine.

"Shh…you need to stop worrying about me," Sam whispered into the top of my head, "We'll figure this all out, I promise, but you're going to end up killing yourself trying to save me."