Full Moon – Chapter 7
When I made the decision of staying human, getting a stable, private life, and organizing my things, before joining Edward and the Cullens on their afterlife, I didn't make plans on how to expose that to Edward himself, making this conversation way less comfortable for us than I expected it to be. I take another bite of my sandwich, taking my time chewing it, and just studying Edward's facial expression towards me.
It has been only a few days since he has been back, and even before, before everything, I wasn't the best at reading people, especially Edward. So, it didn't surprise me that I couldn't find any hints on Edward's face, to whether he thought it was a good decision or not. I take another bite on my sandwich, still trying to put my thoughts in order, and Edward raises an eyebrow, as questioning me about my silence. I sigh.
"We don't need to talk about it right now, if you don't feel like it." He offers, after a few seconds. I keep trying to read his face, but I can't see anything other than love and understanding, making things a bit easier. I swallow the rest of the sandwich and clean my hands, before moving a bit to get comfortable on the cushions, patting on my side so he can sit closer, and we can snuggle to talk. He complies quickly, making me smile. I rest my head on his shoulder before starting to talk.
"It's not that I don't feel like talking about it. I would love nothing more than discuss life plans with you, to share everything with you. But this subject was always a sore one for us, and I honestly don't feel like destroying the great night we have been having."
"Bella, I know I haven't been the most… understanding person, when the subject is your choices and plans. But I can promise you, I will never leave you again, I won't lose you again, and I am really trying to meet you half way on all of your choices and plans. I'm not gonna tell you that you can't do something you want to do. I'm not gonna be making choices for you, ever again. I will, as I can't just sit back and watch quietly, give you my opinion on it, but I finally understand that, in the end, it's your choice, and I'll stand by your side, no matter what that choice is." He says, making me relax a bit.
"Took you long enough." I say, joking a bit.
"I know, and I'm sorry. Rosalie and Emmett almost ripped my head off, when they realized what I had to do to leave. Rosalie is really big on freedom of choices and consent, and Emmett is really big on protecting Rosalie and her views on things. Understandably so. And for me, I guess it was all part of the cocky and "I know better than you could ever know" attitude. I'm trying really hard not to be like that, ever again." He said, hugging me with one arm, making circles with his fingers on my back. "And, to my knowledge, the choice you have made is something I would wish for you, so there's nothing to worry about."
"To a certain level, I guess." I agree with his latest statement, taking a deep breath. "I was thinking about Charlie and Renee for a bit. I think I've come to terms with leaving them a while ago, although that will not make me happy. I know that they worry about me, and that they will hurt a lot, but I also know that all they wish for me is that I'm happy, and as long as the choices I make are the ones bringing me happiness, I know they will be proud. It will suck saying goodbye, I can't even imagine how much it will hurt, but I feel like I'm doing the correct thing, because the pain of not being myself, the pain of denying myself of what I want, will hurt me way more, and that will also destroy them." I need to take a little break before continuing. "I keep thinking about the things you used to mention so much. Things that you didn't want me to miss from my human life. I look back and I am grateful I had the chance to do some of those. I figured out who I am and what I want, by trial and error. Although I understand there is always a chance that I will find out, in 2, 20 or 200 years from now, that what I thought I wanted, and who I thought I was, wasn't exactly it, I doubt I'll regret it. I don't regret the things I did to get here, as I also don't regret the things I didn't do. I know what I want Edward. As big headed this might sound, I know I wasn't born to be human. I was not born to have a normal human life, and I know that for sure now. As much as I enjoyed the things I did, they all felt like I was living someone else's life. I am 100% sure that I want to be a vampire. There's no questioning that."
"So, what is the variable that is holding you back?" I need a minute to put my words in order, in a way that won't hurt him, before I get to talk.
"You. Us. This is what is holding me back." He stops the circles on my back and stares at me, confused. "I love you. I want to be with you forever, I want a life with you, a home with you. But you just came back. Granted that tonight we have talked more, and evolved our relationship 20x more than the year we were together, but I am not comfortable committing to you forever, after only a couple days that you have been back." He opens his mouth to start talking, but I stop him. I need to get everything out first. "No, Edward, listen. I know you love me. I know you have promised me that you aren't going anywhere. I want, with all my being, trust you on that, and deep down I do. I know you feel the same way I feel, I know you were hollow without me as I was without you, there's no way I was feeling that by myself. I understand that you are not planning on leaving me, and that you have learned your lesson, and that you won't just choose to leave me without talking and it being a mutual thing. But if I turn into a vampire to be with you, that's the ultimate commitment. In total, we haven't dated for a whole year, heck we haven't dated for 6 total months. Relationships fall apart, even when people really love each other, and if both of us were humans, I wouldn't be ready to commit to you with a marriage right now. Becoming a vampire, to be like you, is something I want to do for me, not for us. I know we could continue together with me as a human, for quite a few decades, and be happy. If I rush my change, as I was planning to do before, just so I can be with you, one day one of us might change our mind, and then I have nothing left."
"What I decided, that Alice seems to think it is the best outcome for all of us, is that I'm not giving up who I am. I want to get my degree, so I have a job to fall back into whenever I feel like it. I want to enjoy my privacy and my freedom for a little bit, as I know you guys are going to be watching my every move, for a few decades, once I turn. I want to have some sort of financial freedom, because I do not want to depend on the Cullen trust fund. And I want to enjoy us. I have you back, Edward. Once I turn all I will want, for a few years, is blood, and I'm not trading the opportunity to actually be with you, to want you, to love you, to need you in my life, to love us, above other things, for my need of blood." I take a deep breath before continuing. "I know I'm not taking much time for all of that, though. I'm only looking at 15-18 months. Enough for me to graduate, enough to see my parents a couple more times, enough for me to enjoy having my own little corner here, away from super hearings and prying eyes. Granted, I don't think I'm going to be able to save much money in a year, not with a part time job, but once I turn, I'm not going to be needing much, moneywise, and once I am under control, I do plan on working and paying for my own things. The two of us will have enough time to learn who we are together, how compatible we are, and if we are ready for the commitment of being in each other's lives forever. And I won't be that much older, I guess. I know I haven't changed much since I was 18, and that calms me a little bit. Different clothes and a younger attitude, and I might still be able to pass as a senior in High School if needed. But 5 years older is my limit. You're 17 forever, I don't want to 37 forever and pretending we aren't a couple for the rest of our lives. 22 will be my limit, I'm not getting to 23." I take a deep breath before saying the next part. "And I want you to do it, not Carlisle, not Alice, not anyone else. You."
I can see that he's processing what I said, so I take the time to go through the picknick basket and find a PB&J sandwich, and start nibbling on it. It's delicious, of course, but I don't make a comment on it, I don't want to sidetrack Edward.
"I love you." That's what he says after some time.
"I love you too." I answer, smiling.
"I am so proud of you, Bella. I hope you know that. Of how much you have grown and changed, of how much you have learned, of how you have evolved. That is all I ever wanted for you, and I'm just extremely happy to see that you got it." He says, pressing me against his side and giving me a kiss on the top of my head. "I would give you 50 years if you wanted, I'd give you a human life if you asked for it, and I will give you forever, if that is your wish." I feel my heart accelerating. This is the first time that he has agreed on making me an immortal. I feel the tears building up in my eyes and I hold them back, not wanting to ruin the moment. "But I need you to know something." He says, pushing me aside and turning us to face each other again.
"I would marry you today, if I knew that was what you wanted. I would commit to forever with you right now, if you had asked for it. I have no doubts on us, Bella. And I understand that for humans that is different, but not for us. Vampires have mates; once we find our mates we are like lobsters, we don't let go, we don't give up, we don't change our minds, that is it for us, forever. Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done, because I was literally leaving my heart behind, and if I didn't really believe that it was the best for you, the safest for you, I wouldn't have been able to do it. But I'm not strong enough to do that again. I lost all I had, the moment I walked away. I will never be able to do that again, as my selfish self will be glad to hear. So, you take all the time you need, if that is a day, a year, a decade, or a century, and you do things at your own time and pace, but know I am ready, I'm not going away." I can't hold back the tears anymore, and he smiles shyly, using his cold fingertips to clean them. "And this is not a proposal, by the way. Alice would kill me if I didn't actually prepare for that, with a ring and all the theatricals." He laughs, making me laugh too. "This is just me, letting you that you are my life, and that I'm here to stay, and that I am not scared that we will drift apart."
"I'm a child of divorce, you can't blame me for being afraid of that."
"You will learn that the divorce rate for vampire marriages is way lower than for humans." He points out, bringing new questionings for my mind, that I don't want to deal with right now.
"This is only our first date back, Cullen. You have a long way before we can talk marriage." I joke, trying to get on a lighter subject.
"Don't worry, we have forever." He kisses me lightly, making me smile. Forever. That sounds perfect.
We sit back on our comfortable position, and the subject shifts to my work and school plans. He asks me why I chose English Literature, and I tell him that I had no other passion than books, once they had left. I don't want to hide how I felt and how things were, so I don't try sugar coating it anymore. I tell him that books and imaginary worlds kept me alive, and that since I couldn't think about anything else that could make me happy, I decided to pursue that for college, so I had something to do. I tell him that I'm afraid I don't know what to do once I graduate, and that I have no clue of what I want for my professional future, and he reminds me that I will have time to study hundreds of things and find out something I like doing. We talk about the places he had to go to find Victoria, and how he finally was able to kill her before she could work on her evil plans against me. He tells me about Emmett's attempt on getting everyone's mood up, by getting them a puppy, a husky called Steve. And how Carlisle had found a new house for the poor thing, in a matter of hours, scared one of his children would lose control at some point, and the pet would become a snack.
We discuss his siblings plans for school, and I'm surprised to find out that Jasper had changed plans and decided to study Biomedical Sciences. Edward said he had some very interesting theories and plans for the future, and that he finally felt comfortable choosing something to study that he can do by himself, without one of the others having to be in class with him at all times. And since it wasn't medicine itself, and he wasn't going to be needing to be taking residency or anything like that, he was feeling very comfortable with his choice. I make a mental note to talk to him about that later, and just praise him on his even better developed self-control.
Edward and I discuss moving plans for after my transformation, and he explains the logistics for that. We talk about forging documents, name changes, and deleting all of their tracks before moving. He explains about J. Jenks in Seattle, and how he's a "no questions asked" type of guy, that simply accepts Jasper for his unchanging himself, and do the work that is asked of him. He tells me about their main houses they usually will go back to, and which ones are next on the list, places where people won't remember them anymore, places they can start over. We make a list of private and secluded tropical places, that we can go to enjoy the sun and a beach vacation, that humans won't stumble upon us and our shiny selves, and he tells me about Isle Esme, on the Brazilian coast.
Edward also explains to me the family configuration for them this time, now that they have decided to start college again. Since it has only been a few years, and I'm back in their lives, they aren't changing much from what others know. Rosalie is passing as the family genius, that has studied non-stop and has reached intern level, on her med school degree, earlier than most, due to her hard work and Carlisle's contacts. Jasper is going to be starting a new minor, under the pretext that he didn't like what he was studying before, and found himself on Biomedical Studies, so with his mandatory classes being done, he would be a junior like me. That would explain Rosalie and him being on such different states of their studies, while being twins. Emmett didn't want to be the only one left at home, so he was planning on getting another master degree, or finding something to work on, but he hadn't decided yet. Alice was going to be studying English Lit with me, to keep me company, and I thought it was very sweet, while Edward was excited about Psychology.
Edward confined in me that Emmett was planning on proposing to Rosalie again. He seems to do that in every few years, and it was always something that made Rosalie, and the whole family in general, very excited. It was also a part of the mask they had to put on for society. For Charlie, and everyone in Forks that would soon find out that the Cullens are back in my life, Emmett and Rosalie have been together for almost a decade, and it would be a very human thing to get married. Things like that would solidify their part as a "normal" family, and it was always a fun thing for Alice to plan. He tells me about the best and worst weddings in the family, and I'm laughing imagining Alice's despair with Carlisle and Esme getting married in Vegas, with an Elvis impersonator officiating it, after Emmett dared them.
The date goes on really well, and the conversations get deeper with the time passing and the night getting darker. Edward tells me about the time he spent apart from the family, a couple years after Esme turned. He's ashamed to admit he was hunting humans for a solid decade, but I'm proud of him for stepping up and saving as many lives as he did, by only killing the bad guys that saw it coming. I'm not big on the death penalty, but if he is going to be killing people, might as well be the murders. He is surprised on how well I took that information, and we are back on the subject that I'm not a normal human, and that it shouldn't surprise him.
As we discuss every single possible topic we can think of, the subject of the conversation falls back into what we were talking earlier in the day, with Alice and Rosalie buying me some sex toys. I explain to him that it had been Rosalie's way to tell me I needed to take care of myself better. I explain what she said about needing to regulate my hormones, get good nights of sleep, and just working on my self-esteem, and that orgasms are just the best natural way to do so. I mention to him that I'm glad we are both mature enough to just discuss sex, without any taboo, and that the past few years of college had really helped me with that. He mentions that it was something that took him some getting used to, due to his upbringing in the begging of the 20th century, but that he had to overcome once Emmett joined the family. We discuss his lack of a sex life once again, and he explains to me that for him it just did not make any sense, as he wasn't interested in anyone, and he just didn't understand the appeal before. I can't hold back the question that comes next from me.
"So, that means you do understand the appeal now?" I blush when I realize what I asked, but I still continue staring at his face. We have fell into a comfortable laying position, laying on our sides, looking at each other, surrounded by pillows and cushions, and on the very comfy rug they got me. I see him open up a small smile and I wait on his answer.
"I think that you know the answer to that, due to the little demonstration you got earlier." He mentions, referring to your little make out session from earlier. I blush remembering that and how much I enjoyed it, and how much I already miss it and want more. "I understood the appeal with you before too, if you are wondering, but my morals wouldn't actually admit that, due to you being so many decades younger than me, and still a teenager. But I have had time to get over the age gap thing, now that it isn't actually illegal." He winks at me. "And to be fair, as much as I have gotten over the sex taboo from the 1900s, some things are still part of me, I guess. I met a lot of beautiful vampires in these past few years, but I felt absolutely no connection with them at all, nothing, and I wouldn't just try to have sex with them for the sake of it. Wouldn't actually mean something, so it wouldn't make sense."
"But what about other beautiful humans? You have never, once, thought about them that way?"
"I would be lying if I said no, and you know that. I am a man, after all. Stuck on a teenager body forever. Of course, I've thought about other humans, and some vampires, with a sexual tone to it, but I just wasn't interested on the casual thing. And I wouldn't allow myself to even dream about trying anything with a human, at all, and you know that too." He holds my hand, looking at me.
"I think you don't give yourself enough credit, you know. I highly doubt you could ever hurt me physically. Not that you don't have the physical capacity, we both know you do. But you wouldn't, you don't have the mental capacity for it. You can't hurt me, even if you tried, I doubt your subconscious would allow you." I tell him, drawing circles on his palm with my fingers. "But I understand your need to learn that by yourself, and I would never pressure you on this subject, I hope you understand that."
"I know you wouldn't, but I also know you pretty well, and I can see the little wheels turning in your brain." He pokes my head with one of his fingers, making me smile.
"Hey, you can't judge a girl for dreaming." I laugh at him getting closer. "I guess I'm just wondering what is our limit for it. Before you wouldn't even kiss me properly, and I understand you were still new on the control around me and my blood. Now I can see that you are way more relaxed around me, you haven't been uptight at all, and I just don't understand if my blood has stopped smelling the same for you, or if you got better at controlling yourself, or if you are just a little bit careless now."
"Yes, yes, and no. I can never be careless around you, I think that would be impossible even if I was human or you were a vampire. But yes, you do smell different, less now than three days ago, but still a bit different. Carlisle said it's very normal, as you still have traces of what would be your baby's blood in you, so you smell like a faint mix of you and the dad's scent, I guess." I see he's trying not to think about whomever the dad of my unborn child would have been, and I don't want to think about it either. "And also, yes, I am better at controlling myself now. I think that once I was away, and I didn't have you around, I understood how much it would hurt me to not have you around, and how destroyed I would be if I hurt you or killed you, or anything like that. And, I believe as a self-preservation mechanism, my body just doesn't react to your scent as it did before. It still sings to me, it is still the best scent I have ever smelled, and I am still completely taken by it, but it doesn't make me thirsty anymore, just in love." He proves his point by getting closer to me, putting his head against my neck, and just taking a few deep breaths. "But that isn't the only thing that would limit us, and you know it." He reaches his hand up my arm, and he's barely touching me, just tracing his fingers up and down. "It's very easy for me to press my finger with a tenth of the strength I have, and just crush your whole arm right now. I have the control not to do that, because I am consciously making that decision at all times. I can measure the strength that I'm using, because I am actually using my focus on that. I can't lose focus around you Bella, not when I'm touching you. And I think both of us know that it would be hard to go any further than whatever make out session we had earlier today, without losing completely my focus."
He moves his head from my neck, and we are just touching foreheads and looking into each other's eyes for a little bit, thinking, processing. I touch his hair and I give him a little kiss, before making my plans and asking him what I needed to know.
"So, just making it clear, you are not opposed to sex, you are just opposed to doing anything that could potentially hurt me?" He laughs at me, giving me a kiss on the forehead.
"No, I'm not opposed to sex. We exist because of sex. The world exists, as it is, because of it. Of course, as I've heard, it can be just a really fun activity, or basic means to an end. But it can also be a really beautiful, intimate, vulnerable thing. An ultimate act of surrender and trust, and I would never be opposed to that. I hope we can get to that part one day, once you are less breakable, but I'm definitely not opposed to it." I move to sit myself up, but before he can do the same, I push him on his back, and I straddle him.
"Good, that is all I needed to know." I say, as I kiss him, like I've never done before.