Full Moon – Chapter 9
Jake. His voice hit me like a slap in the face. I don't know if I can do this. Jake was my only connecting thread to myself, for months. Thinking that I was about to hurt him, and make him mad, hurt me preemptively.
"Bella? Are you okay? Did you just butt dial me? I'm going to be mad if the first time you contact me, in a while, is because of a butt dial. Well, thinking about it, I'm not mad that your butt is missing me. I miss it too." I can't hold back my laugh, and just like that Jake has dissolved most of my worries. Everything would be okay, I'm sure of it. "That was either a well contained laugh, or a really loud fart, and I'm not sure I can continue complimenting your butt if you are using it to fart on my face." My laugh gets louder.
"Shut up Jake, I was just gathering the energy to say something." I answer him.
"That school of yours is really tiring you out, if you can pick a phone to call me, but don't have the energy to talk." He jokes, but I can hear the hidden worry behind his words. "How are you, Bells? Is everything okay?" I need to take a deep breath and prepare myself for what I need to put out in this conversation. I say a quick pray to whatever might be above me, and decide to start slowly. I remind myself that I am an adult, that this is my life, and that even if I don't have Jake's support, is my decision, and that I am sure of it. That calms me down a little bit.
"Depends on who you are asking, I guess. With me? Everything is pretty good. Something shitty happened, but I'm still processing it and don't feel like talking about it yet, although I do plan on telling you at some point. But something amazing also happened, kind of because of that, so I'm not actually complaining." I keep pacing around the room, trying to figure out how to say it. "Well, again, depends on who you are asking. It is amazing for me, but I have a feeling you will not approve of it at all, and that you are going to get really mad at me for it. But Jake, please, please hear me out. Hear me out before shutting off the phone on my face, or bursting into fur-mode. I need you to know that I'm okay, perfectly happy and safe, and that this is what I want. What I needed, actually." I'm starting to shake, and I'm worried I won't be able to tell him everything tonight, although I do plan on just laying down all the facts at once, and ripping the bandage quickly.
"Bella, you are worrying me. What happened? Why am I not going to approve? What did you do?" He asked, and I can hear the clear Alpha voice coming out from my phone, making me shiver a bit. It's now or never.
"Edward and the Cullens are here. Like, here in Alaska, living only a few miles away from me. I didn't know until last week, they arrived not too long ago and they also didn't know I was going to school here." I hear his breathing changing and the anger taking over, and I know I need to say it all at once, before he can cut me off and change my mind. "Please Jake, just hear me out, breathe. Let me get it all off my chest." I hear him taking a deep breath, but I know he is not fully in control right now. "Something happened, the thing I don't want to talk about right now, and I ended up having to go to the ER in the middle of the night. I'm okay, I promise. Anyway, Rosalie was the doctor on call at the ER that night, she's here working on a degree, and she was the one that treated me. Of course, once she knew I was here and I knew they were here, there was no going back. You know how much I missed them, Jake. How much I missed him. You know how broken I was, of course you do, and I understand that this is the main reason why you are going to get mad at me. But Jake, you know I love him. I love all of them. So, it was a no brainer for me, that the moment he explained to me that he loves me, more than anything, and that the only reason why he left me was to protect me, as I already suspected, that my heart would take all of them in, completely, again." I'm shaking so hard that I don't know if I can walk anymore, so I sit down. I can almost hear how much Jake is also shaking on the other side, and I feel awful, because the worst part is still to come.
"Edward and I are back together, and when I go to Forks for the holidays, him and his family are going with me. I know Jake, I know. I know you don't approve of it, and that you worry for me, my safety, and both of my physical and mental health, but please trust me when I tell you that I know what I am doing. Edward and I have talked more this week, than the whole time we knew each other before. I have told him all my worries, all my fears, all the things he used to do that hurt me, and he has shared the same with me. We are in a better place now, than we have ever been, and I trust him, Jake." He is still very quiet on the other side, but his heavy breathing is a given to me that he is still listening and processing it all. "I am taking things slowly. I will have sessions with my therapist, I'm not going to do this alone. I don't ever want to go back to that low point in my life that I got, I am going to be a responsible adult over this. But I trust him, Jake, with my life. I love him, and I know he means it when he tells me that he loves me too and that he will never do anything like that again, that he will not hurt me again." I take a pause, waiting for him to say something, anything, but he's still just heavy breathing. "I know you are worried about the tribe, and them being back there, but they are only staying for Thanksgiving weekend, and Edward will go for Christmas, and they will always abide by the treaty, so you guys are safe, they aren't going to mess with you." More silence. "Jake? Please say something." Nothing. "Please?" And he finally opens his mouth.
"What do you want me to say, Bella?" His voice is harsh, angry, but it doesn't cut me was I was expecting it to do. "You have clearly stated it all already, what do you want me to say? That I don't think you should do it? That I'm pissed you would allow him back into your life? That I think the bloodsuckers are not safe for you? That accepting them back, arms open, is the stupidest thing I think you could ever do? That trusting them is just dumb and naïve? That having them back here is going to mess up with the whole pack and all we do? That I need to go and talk this out with the guys and deal with their rage too? You clearly know all of it already, and you don't care." He's mad, but the shaking seems to be slowing down, and that is a relief. "Bella, you don't remember how bad you actually got once he left you, but I do. I had to deal with that, me and Charlie. I hope you never have to look at someone you love, hurting that much, and be completely lost on what to do to help. It was the worst thing that I have ever went through in my life, the most helpless I have ever felt. You have no idea how much that hurt me, Charlie, your mom, and all the people that love you. So, I can't just sit here and say that any step you take, that could take you back to that state, is approved by me. But again, you know that, and you don't give a fuck."
"It's not like that, Jake. I am not doing this to hurt you guys like that again one day. I don't want to ever be that again, or put anyone through it all over. I'm doing this because it is the right thing to do for me. It's what makes me happy Jake. I feel complete, when they are here. I feel complete with this version of myself." I say, and with his gasp I know I said the wrong thing.
"Isabella Swan, what do you mean with 'This version of myself'? What did you do, Bella?" His anger can be felt over the phone, and I know the only reason he hasn't busted into wolf form is because he needs to hear my answer. "BELLA! Tell me you didn't become one of them, please tell me you didn't let the leech bite you."
"No! I am still me, Jake. I'm human. I can even put my phone on top of my heart so you can listen to it." I say, and I don't wait on his answer to do it, I just let him listen to my heart for a couple seconds, before getting the phone back to my ear. I can hear that he has gotten a bit more under control. "I'm still me, Jake. I just meant this version that isn't hollow. You know that even with all the treatment, and moving, and school, there was a part of me that was missing, and I have that part back." Just knowing how strongly he feels about me being human still, makes the last part of what I need to say even harder, and I decide to wait until I know he's more on board with my situation. "I know you don't like him, Jake. Although, if you actually met him and talked, I think you guys could be friends. But I know you despise what he is, and that you despise him for what he did to me, but Jake, he is part of my life. I love him. And I love you. And I would love if you could be happy for me, because I am happy. I'm so happy Jake." I can hear that he is calming down a bit, so I continue.
"I'm worried too, you know. I don't think I have admitted that fully, but I am. I think I'll always be a little bit worried that he will leave, and that I'm gonna lose all of them again, but I'm choosing to listen to my heart, and trust them. And he is not going to have it easy, Jake. Edward hurt me, and he has been working on showing me why I can trust him not to do it again. I just can't sit here and pretend I don't wish, with all my being, for this to be the right thing for us, because I do, and I do feel that it is." My heart feels my words, and I know in my being that I'm not wrong. That gives me strength to continue. "And I am better now, than I was three years ago. I am stronger now, I know much more about who I am, my worth, and how much of myself comes from me, and not others. If he was to leave again, I would not go back into that state, and I know it. This relationship is way healthier than before, it's not based on co-dependency and addiction to each other. It's based on love, for each other but also ourselves, and I'm not losing that." He's still quiet. "Anything you want to say?"
"Honestly, I don't know Bella." He says, and I know he's much calmer now. Still angry, and clearly sad, but calmer. "I love you, and you know that. You know that is the reason why I worry, why I care, and why this subject triggers me so much. But I guess love is also trust, and I need to trust you to know what you are doing for yourself. I don't approve, for a second, and I highly doubt you are doing the correct choice for yourself and your life. But it is your life." He takes a deep breath. "I would love to trust you when you say that you would never go back to that state, but I know you can comprehend why I don't. I guess all I can say is that, in the case of that ever happening again, and here I leave my statement clarifying I do believe it will happen again, I will be there to hold you and get you back up, as I was before." It's my turn to take a deep breath, and I notice I have a couple tears falling down my face. Before I can thank him, something else pops up in his mind, and he decides to ask me about it. "What do you expect to get out of it, Bells? Honestly. I'm just trying to understand where your mind is with this. He's not human. He can't give you a human life. You haven't turned into one of them, so clearly you two don't have a common life to share. You're going to grow old, die, and he will still be there, on his teenage years. You will never get to have a normal life, while he's part of it. Is he that important for you, that you would just live a miserable life next to him, for nothing?"
"It wouldn't be a miserable life, Jacob. And it wouldn't be for nothing." I answer as quickly as I can, because I am sure of it. I have Jake calmer, and he doesn't seem to hate me yet, so I decide to drop the rest of the bomb on him, and brace myself for the impact. "If I decided to have a human life on his side, for the next 60 or 70 years, it wouldn't be a miserable life for nothing, it would be a very happy life, that I lived with the one guy I ever really loved. It would be for love. But that is not what I am choosing." I take a deep breath, but he cuts me out before I can continue.
"You are giving me a whiplash here, Bells. First you say you love him, and that you are choosing him forever, because that's the version of you that you love. Then you say you did not change into a monster for him. Then you also say that you are not planning on dating him forever. What the hell are you planning then?"
This is it. This is the opening I needed so I could explain to him my future plans. This could also be the last time Jacob would ever talk to me, or the moment he would start hating me forever. My heart is beating faster than it has ever had, and I need to take a few deep breaths before opening my mouth again. You can do this Bella. It's your life, it's your future, it's what you want for yourself, and what you deserve. It is the right thing, not Jacob, not Edward, not your parents or friends, no one can tell you what to do, how to act, or what to choose for yourself. This is not going to change what you have chosen. All this can change, is Jacob deciding that the love he has for you, isn't strong enough to fight the whole vampire vs werewolf stupidity, and if he doesn't love you enough to accept you as your best you, you don't need him in your life.
"I'm not one of them yet, Jacob. But I will be." I hear him gasping, and I continue before he can say anything. "Don't turn off the phone, I need you to hear me out. And then, if you can't deal with it, I'll let you go." He doesn't say anything, but he is still on the other side of the line. I take that as a good sign. "He doesn't want me to be one of them, Jake. He wants me to be human and have all the things they abdicated once they were turned. But he understands that it is my choice, and I am choosing this. I don't like being human in a world of supernatural beings. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. You don't know this feeling, because you found out about the supernatural world when you became one of them. You have always been a part, I'm just an outsider. I was not born to be an outsider, I don't like it, it doesn't make me happy. I love him, Jacob, and part of me wants to do this because of that. Because I want to feel like I belong with him, that I am part of his life, that we are perfect for each other. But the biggest part of me wants to do this for myself, and if you love me, you will respect that. I don't want you to like it, I don't expect you to approve of it, God, I don't even expect you to be around me once I'm one of them. I just want you to love me enough to respect my choice."
"I am not turning now. I have a lot of things to do before that. I plan on turning after I graduate, so there's more than a year until then. In my perfect vision of this, I want you to still be part of my life. I don't give a fuck about the whole vampires and werewolves hate each other thing. I love you, you're my best friend. I love Seth, Embry, Quil, even Paul, and Leah and Sam. I love Emily and I miss her so much. You guys are my friends, and I don't want it to change at all. But I know this is my choice, and that you guys don't have to just go against your nature because that's what I want. I know I'm giving up a lot, trust me, I know. Even if I didn't, Edward and his family would make me see all I'm giving up, they have been doing that. But I need this. This is who I am Jake, absolutely nothing you say will change that." I take a very needed deep breath before continuing. "And yes, the answer is yes. If Edward and I weren't together again, and I still had the choice to choose being one of them, I would choose it. I came to Alaska with the hopes of finding one of them to do this for me, Jake. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but deep down it has always been what I wanted. I just hope you don't hate me. Because I love you, and I won't ever stop loving you." I am crying, and I don't know if he can hear that in my voice, but he takes long deep breaths, for a few minutes, while I stay there in silence.
"I don't think I could ever hate you." I let out the breath I was holding, feeling like my heart was finally complete. "But I don't know if I could ever be around you, with you being one of them." I am not taken by surprise by his answer, but it still stings. "But you are right, there's nothing I can do, say, or ask of you to do, over what you chose for yourself. I do think you are doing something stupid. I think you are drugged by their stench and not making a conscious choice. But I know you well enough to know there's nothing I can do here." He sighs. "Until graduation, right? We have until your graduation. Maybe you will come to your senses by then. Maybe you will change your mind. I guess I can live with that hope." He says, and I hold my tongue back, not wanting to tell him that there's nothing that will make me change my mind. "I don't like this, Bella. I need to run, I need to clear up my mind, I need to just go, okay? I don't hate you. I don't. But I need space to process this." He said, and before I could say anything the line went dead.
I'm holding my phone in my hand, looking at it, trying to wrap my mind around it all. I'm losing Jake. Not now, he doesn't hate me. But at some point, I'm losing him. He made that very clear. That hurts. It's not the worst pain I have ever felt, but still a deep burn. I take some deep breaths and I feel the tears flowing faster.
I drop my phone by my bed and reach for the chocolate I bought earlier. I need something to distract me. I knew talking to Jake would be hard, and it wasn't half as bad as I was expecting. That's a win, Bella. You still have Jake, for a little bit, it's a win. But it is not forever. But it is for now, better than nothing.
Chocolate might not be enough. I need something else. I grab my controller to turn on my smart tv. I put up Netflix and start flicking through the menu, trying to find something to watch to distract myself. I open my mini fridge and I'm mad at myself for not grabbing any ice cream. Oh well, wine it is then. You don't need wine, you are fine, it wasn't that bad. I always need wine. No, you don't, you use it for emergencies only. That's a lie, I had wine the other day with dinner for no reason at all. Fine, just drink the wine then.
I skip grabbing a glass, just deciding that drinking from the bottle would be just fine. And I press play on a random documentary, not even noticing the title. It takes me a little bit over a cup of wine, and maybe half way through an episode, to realize what I'm watching, a murderer documentary, Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes. Oh well, I might need something stronger to get through this one. I'm glad I grabbed a bottle of rum at the market.
I don't know why I'm crying. Well, that's a lie, I know why I am crying, that man was a monster. Those girls did not deserve to die, and they definitely did not deserve the torture they went through. But I think the tears are to blame on the alcohol. Or not. I don't know. I can't really blame Jacob for them, I'm the one hurting people left and right. Everything is a bit blurry, and my room seems to be moving, that is not okay. Please, bed, stop moving, I need to lay on you, and you are making me nauseous. Oh, I'm really nauseous, why did you have to remind me of that? I DID NOT! Yes, you did! YOU are making me nauseous now. You know what is great to help with nausea? Cold! You know what is cold? EDWARD! Phone time!
"Bella, are you okay?" I hear his voice through the phone, and I laugh. Why does he sound so worried? Oh, silly Edward. "Bella?"
"Did you torture the people you killed?" I ask, without thinking.
"What? Bella, where did this come from?" He sounds worried, and maybe a little bit… angry? Ooops.
"You know, beating them, cutting some body parts off before killing them, or like decapitated them afterwards?" Body parts, gross. Not all body parts are gross. You are not wrong.
"Bella, what are you talking about? No, I have never done anything like that, are you okay? You sound different." His voice is even hot through the phone, that should be illegal. Speaking of the legality of things...
"Are you in favor of the death penalty? Wait, I know the answer to that, of course you are. You used to be the executor, durr, dumb Bella! See, I didn't know I was in favor of the death penalty, but I realized tonight that I am. Some people just don't deserve to live, they can't even be called people. Is it still called a death penalty, if you are just executing a monster?" Spinning, Bella, your brain is spinning with your bed, not a good idea.
"Bella, you are making no sense, is this about the Jacob conversation you had earlier, are you having second thoughts? Do you think I am a monster?" He sounds worried, and I roll my eyes.
"Of course not, you silly boy. This is about Ted Bundy." Durr, silly dumb Edward.
"Ted Bundy?! The serial killer?" He asks, even more confused. Honestly, Bella, Edward might not be that smart.
"Yes, the serial killer. Do you know of a different Ted Bundy? WAIT! Did you know Ted Bundy? Why didn't you eat him? Would have saved so many lives. You should have eaten him. Or not, he probably tasted as rotten as his heart was. Can you taste the evil in someone's blood? I bet you can. Some people are probably just too gross for them to be appetizing." As gross as you feel right now with your whole room moving around? Maybe.
"Bella, are you drunk?" Asked Edward, now amused.
"No, why would you say that?" Drunk? Ha. I don't get drunk.
"Open the window, Bella." I hear his voice, and it does not sound like it's coming from my phone. I turn around and see him hanging outside my window and I scream.
"DON'T DO THAT EDWARD!" I try getting up but my whole room moves again and I am on the floor. I feel Edward's cold hands on my head and I sigh. Oh yeah, cold, good for nausea, Edward.
"If I wasn't completely mortified about you falling in front of me and almost hitting your head, while extremely drunk, I might have found this amusing." He said, grabbing me on his arms. Oh no, Edward's arms, running, speed. Here comes the chocolate, wine and rum.
I barely have time to point to the bathroom and cover my mouth, before Edward realizes what I need and rush me to the bathroom, to empty my stomach, on my clean and shiny toilet. Gross, definitely gross. I don't want Edward to see me like this, but I don't have the strength to tell him to go away. He keeps one of his palms against my forehead, and his other hand is holding my hair back. Such a gentleman. You could almost forget he was also a serial killer. He only killed bad guys, give him some slack. Fair enough. Or not. It doesn't matter though; he would never hurt you. He has hurt people before. I give no fucks. Me neither, girl. I know you don't, you are me. Shut up. No.
"Ugh." It's all I can say.
"Bella, are you feeling any better?" He asks, really worried.
"Am I? I don't know. I can't make my brain shut up. And I feel like I was drinking the liquid on the bottle of a trash can." More vomit, bad choice of words. "Leave, Edward. I can do this. I don't want you seeing me like this."
"I'm not going anywhere, don't even spend energy trying to get me out of here." He let go of my forehead to do something, then I hear him talking to someone that isn't me. "Yes, I'd say some Gatorade, Mountain Dew, some crackers, get her meds for the nausea and can you ask Carlisle for an IV just in case? Thank you, Alice, I'll see you in a bit." An IV?
"You are not poking a needle through my arm, thank you very much." I say trying to sound stern, but I know I'm too weak to make my point.
"Yes, I am, if I feel like you need me to. Are you feeling any better? Do you think you can move to your bed, or you are going to puke more?" He asks, returning his hand to my forehead. I take a minute assessing how I'm felling, and I feel a little bit better.
"Teeth first, need to brush." I say, trying to get up. He picks me up and puts me against my sink so I can do what I need. I make sure to do a really good job with brushing, so I can't taste anything from earlier. Once I'm done Edward takes me, slowly thankfully, to my bed, and lays me down with some pillows to prop my head and upper body up. He puts his cold hands against my face and neck, and it feels so good I don't want him to move, I just want to fall asleep with him by my side.
"I can't let you fall asleep yet. I need you to try to get liquids in your body, or else I'm going to be forced to set up that IV." He says, moving his hand over my face to keep me awake. I open my eyes to look at him, and he is staring at me, worried.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see me like this. I guess I got confused over the whole Jacob thing, and I needed some alcohol to unwind. Then I started watching that documentary and I needed the hardcore liquid to get through it. I wasn't trying to mess up with your plans for tonight." I say, in a low voice, but I know he can hear me.
"I wasn't doing much. I was actually just running around, not too far. So, once I noticed you weren't sounding so well, I ran over here. I'm sorry for scaring you and barging in, I was just very worried." He kisses my forehead, adjusting himself by my side on the bed. "Was it that bad with Jacob?" He asks, and I know he has probably been dying to know what happened on my conversation.
"It wasn't that bad, actually. Way better than I could have imagined. I think I was just sad over the fact that I know I hurt him, although he didn't lash out on me much, and I was sad that he had to control himself that much, and that there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. I just wanted to drink something so I wouldn't worry much and question the decisions I know I made for myself, because they are the right ones. Clearly not the best idea."
"Was he mad at you? Did he scream at you?"
"He was mad, he was sad, and yeah he screamed a bit. But in the end, I know he understands it's my choice, and there's nothing he can do or say to change what is going to happen. I am going to lose him Edward. Deep down I always knew I would, but I had hope he would see through the whole transformation and still be my best friend. It hurts, of course. But I can live with the pain."
"You say you can live with the pain, but then you get drunk to the point of being sick. I'm not sure you are dealing with it correctly." He points out, with a smirk. I don't think it's funny.
"Trust me. When I can't deal with the pain, I don't go and drink a couple glasses of wine to feel less guilty, I shut myself down for months and need therapy for years. I can deal with the pain of losing Jacob, Edward. What I can't deal with is not being the one I want to be." I didn't want to hurt him, but I needed to make things clear, and my words were unfiltered due to the alcohol. "I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to sound that harsh. Just believe me when I say, I didn't get drunk because of Jacob. I got drunk because I was too lazy to start a different documentary, and went on to watch something that might have been too heavy for my current mental state and situation."
"I deserved it. But yeah, what's up with the Ted Bundy talk and documentary? Care to share what you were thinking when you called me?" He points his head to the TV, where the last episode was only halfway through.
"I called you because I was getting nauseous, and I remembered the cold could help me out. I got sidetracked when I realized I was watching a documentary about one of the evilest serial killers in the world, and feeling a bit sick over it, while dating someone that probably killed more people than he did. And then my drunk brain took over. I'm sorry about that too." I turn my head to look at him. "I know you aren't evil. And I know you do believe you are, so this is not a good thing for me to be poking you around with. I guess I was just explaining to myself that the difference between the two of you is that he was an actual monster, he did things for pure pleasure, he killed and tortured innocent people, when that was not his nature. While you, you were just following your nature's instincts. And you didn't do things he did, you went and killed the bad guys, saving other lives, and that I can get behind that, no issue."
"I don't know about the no issue thing, but I don't think this is the time or place to discuss this. Just know I would never hurt you, or anyone innocent at all, and that I do not do those things anymore, the killing, even for the bad guys, because it's not up to me to decide who gets to live or die. And that I am trying my best to be worthy of you, and I will do whatever is necessary to prove you that." He kisses my forehead while adjusting by my side.
"As long as you love and respect me, you are worthy of my love and respect."
"I'm not sure love and respect is all that is going to take. I did do some awful things in my life, that would deem me not worthy. But we can talk about that another time." He kisses my forehead again. "You can just leave it all there, Alice." He says, confusing me. Oh, Alice is here, IV time, no thanks. I decide to move up a little bit, to a sitting position, so I can try to sip on some Gatorade and dodge the needle. Edward helps me up.
"Don't worry Bella, I didn't bring any needles. Carlisle and Rosalie decided it was absolutely not necessary at all, as long as you drink these and rest." She says, showing up in the middle of my room, offering me a blue Gatorade. "I let them know you would not fight me on it, if you know it means no needles."
"Absolutely not." I answered her with a small smile, grabbing the drink. Edward positioned himself better by my side, to grab the rest of the things she was offering.
"Take small sips, every other minute. Do not try to chug it." He warned me, and I made sure to follow his directions. "Thank you, Alice." He said, without even looking at her. I swallow a small sip of my drink before also thanking her.
"You are welcomed. I gotta go back to my things, but Esme will be here later to fix the window, and Rosalie will stop by after her shift." And before we could say anything else, she was gone. I take a look at my window, to see what she meant with fixing it, and I notice that the lock looks bent and weird. I look at Edward with a quizzed look.
"You fell in front of me. I wasn't going to stand on the other side and watch you get a concussion. It just needs a new lock, I promise, it will only take a minute for Esme to change it." He answered to my silent question. I don't extend the subject; my head is still spinning a bit and my mouth is dry. I take a few more spaced sips in a comfortable silence. I'm half way through the drink when I decide I have had enough for now and give it back to Edward, to set it aside. "I would still like for you to drink a bit more before falling asleep, but you can lay down for a bit if you want." He tells me, seeing I'm very tired. I nod and lay down, cozying up to him. The cold really helping me out. He puts an arm around me, and a kiss on my forehead, making me feel even more loved.
"I'm sorry you had to see this." I say after a little bit.
"I'm sorry you had to have such a hard and damaging conversation with your best friend, because of me." He answers back. I want to fight him on it, but I don't. He is not technically wrong, if he wasn't back, I wouldn't have had that conversation with Jake, but he isn't right either, it was on me and my choice. I just didn't have the will or wish to discuss it once again. "And I'm never allowing you to watch another true crime documentary by yourself ever again." He points out, making me laugh a bit.
"I think I'm done with those for a bit."
"After all, you are dating a more deadly serial killer than any of those, you don't need the documentaries." He mentions, making me shiver a bit. He thinks it's because I'm scared of him, not because I regret that whole part of our conversation. "A rational reaction to the danger you see yourself in, that's new." He points out with some smirk in his tone. He's not mad at me, thank God.
"I'm sorry I said that." I try once again.
"I know, Bella. I'm not mad. You didn't hurt my feelings or anything. I know who I was, I will forever live with the regret of what I've done in life. I know my past and I love that you know it too, and you can find in yourself to love and forgive me for it. If you ever feel in the need to talk about it, to process it, to understand, to question it, it's okay. I will never run away from answering to my actions." I snuggle on him a bit more, showing my appreciation to his statement. "But just let's do that when you are sober, okay?" He jokes, and I growl a little bit, being reminded of the bad decisions I made tonight. He adjusts me so I can take a few more sips in silence, and then he puts me to sleep, with a nice humming of my lullaby. I only hear him faintly, before passing out. "Go to sleep, my love. I will always be here, for as long as you will have me."
I will always have you, Edward. Always.