Black Mirror
"Duchess! DUCHESS!"
Mud roiled beneath boots like soft clay in children's hands.
"Why ain't she speakin' of this?! WHERE IS DUCHESS KARSTEN?! SPEAK, COWARD!"
Muted colored clothes decorated a clump of hollering men and women.
"SHE'S CURED, ain't she?! THEN SHOW UP, NOW!"
Hardened leather soles smashed with more gusto against the lifeless land patch. Trenches of trails left behind and around the main estate filled with dirtied water.
"ANSWER, KNAVE! YA CAN'T JUST SHOVE 'EM AWAY!"
Iron clinks rattled beside their belts with every movement.
"STOP HIDING!"
Silent onlookers gathered further ways away, stationary like frozen statues with wide eyes, ceasing in their tracks and work.
"FOKIN' SIMPLE, IS IT!? WANT SOME MORE TO GET IN LINE AN' READY FOR THE CHOPPIN' BOARD?!"
Guards stationed outside tensely gripped their polearms. An eerie weight pressed over them. Their bodies cold and blood scathing, they only remained silent, steady in place.
"LEAST KILL US ALL OFF EN ONE BIG ROUND, EY?! Find sum BIG CAUSE, yeh?! Well answers comin' ta us! Second they step border we're FUCKED! More royally than the dead crown family!"
"MY SON! MY SON! IN YOUR NAME WITH DA SWORD AND NOT EVEN WORDS FER PARTING 'IM THIS LIFE?!"
"Now it don't matter if Vollachians come lopping heads off! Fokin' witch-beasts'll make us nice an' ready fer em! Bend us over, leave us bum fucking nice to stomp over!"
"'NOUGH WITH YOUR SHEIT CAUSES! Bring back yar rule TA KIGNDOM-FUCK! -BRING BACK MY MEN!"
"Meckart would've done right! LEt Meckart SpEAk! WHA'? LEArneD nuTHin FROM IM?!"
Leather holsters, weathered by time and use, barely clung to steel layers whilst loaded with varying war arms.
"NOBLES, YA'LL! NOBLES! WHY THINK 'ER DIFFERENT? CARES NOT BA OWN GAIN!"
"How many titles more ya need?! How can ya even carry 'em?! Don't they 'ready weigh down 'nough with blood?!"
Madder and madder, the mob of people delimitated the main Karsten domain's entrance. They barely held themselves in control to not walk over the few soldiers stationed as guards. Yet judging by their rioting air, it couldn't take long before a single incentive would prime them.
The cluster of soldiers, knights, mercenaries, mundane workers, elders and youngsters was steadfast. Each equipped with whatever befitting their wealth or ready to hand when set for this coarse revolt.
Fellow countryside civilians looked on terrified. Their complexions pallid and breathing faint, with their hearts beating fast like trapped mice and sullen attitude, they wearily trudged on their ways or stuck around to watch.
Children gathered and whispered, pointed and gawked, afraid and intrigued. Impishly setting themselves, in spite of the fresh mud, behind trees, ground, carriages, walls or slopes to catch a better sight. Observing with baited breath and alabaster growing skin from cold, it was not long before the eerie silence of watching broke once parents or siblings came rushing to retrieve them.
…
Crinkles of ice shattering, like a crack slithering its way through a window pane, episodically popped at times in the tense atmosphere.
The ever-dutiful soldiers not founded by life, but magic, stood guard, unseen, behind the mansion's outer walls.
Recalled after severe nights weathering out waves of terrors upon incursions of ill omens, saw the frosted warriors stationed back at the place responsible for their deployment. Some were parted of a limb, or two. Some barely had a recognizable interpretation of a visage. Some were barely apt to call statues, more fitting to categorize as permafrost skeletons.
Their numbers were clearly reduced.
And thinking back to their costly production, brought no comfort to the mind. These unique assemblies made of Fire Magic were truly known only by a single person's hand to make, and conceived from only one's mind alone.
Of course, said originator of ideas, had no awareness of the final decisions made to fines the constructs in their full. The soldiers' likeness was still a mystery to that one. That reaction would no doubt be worth seeing.
At once, the surviving soldiers collectively reacted. Their shapes righting in such a way that would mime their recognition of being called to.
And right to conclude so, a few figures trotted along the green garden, out of the public's sight, set behind the expansive walls. The figures, clothed appropriately for the moody weather with thick garments and weighty raincoats, exuded a forlorn air, much alike to how a passing pilgrimage would come off as.
Right behind the group, a frail silhouette, detectable as a knight from the stark-white uniform, ran to catch up, flailing their arms in a gesture to gather attention.
As if capable to sense activity behind the regal walls, the crowd outside reacted with a burst of new vigor. And their protests came clearer than before. The agitation more volatile, it pointed at them losing their meager cool any moment now.
…
This was not good.
…
The people were disheartened. The gathered were replete with sorrows. This situation was by every standard a piss-poor attempt at a revolt, if exaggerating to name it that at all. But the problem still was there.
These were all citizens of the Karsten Dutchy. And this issue, one spurned by encouraging speeches to control one's own destiny in the first place, would not serve to quell angered spirits. So then… what was there to rightly do when one's own ways became redundant?
Sure, they were few.
Sure, they could be left to their own devices.
But was that wise? Did that reflect well for a candidacy to a country?
When unable to control one's own domain, what room was there to speak of a whole country? …Would those gathered rile up others, or would they wither off their spite? Would they answer her calls any more, or would they spread more distrust through others?
This all, too reflect in how she may rule a country, were taken as warnings by her.
Yes, they were few. But… those few were also explained for her forgotten oath as once among the dedicated to her cause.
"What would I do…?" Crusch looked on from the window's side, contemplative and uncertain.
Breathing in through closed teeth, causing a dull whistle as byproduct, the duchess squeezed her fists over the coat hugged close.
Military green never felt so unappealing as today. The mere sight of it brining a reluctance to consider. Easier to associate it with uninteresting problems and boring issues. A bystander's view.
Yet as the crowd grew louder, so did the voice of shame inside her mind.
With a forced inhale and squeeze of the eyes, Crusch gathered her determination once more to meet the expectations.
Doing this, dance, of back and forth. Of gritting yourself before confrontations and playing this game of masks on repeat, again and again, was a prime factor in the corrosion of the self. Something Crusch didn't know if she could shoulder on forever.
But… this was her cause. She was told this little by her family. And her father was steadfast in supporting whatever decision she made. So, wasting no more time, the youngest Karsten draped the uniform's jacket like a led weight over her slim frame, and took weighty steps towards the mansion's exit.
There, outside, found in a pathetic argument, Felix struggled to buy his master whatever options he could reach.
"Miss Emilia, miss Emilia, please reconsider! Crusch-sama requires our help, the duchy itself needs more backup than ever now. Please, miss Emilia! Miss Emilia!" Biting his tongue in hurry to expel his urgency, Felix Argyle wiped aside his nervous sweat along with his penchant for accent.
"Can ma amzin' self say it…?" Muttering beside the compatriots trudging along the garden, green eyes fleetingly glanced at the agitated knight. A tone of seeming exuberance for a rare opportunity colored Garfiel's quiet request. And an underline coarse sonority to the same words revealed an obvious ire.
"…Please stay calm, Garf. Let's not add more pressure. Emilia-sama is already nearing her tolerance's end. Trying to look cool now won't help us later." With a small delay, Otto nibbled his bottom lip in thought. The proposed idea didn't sound bad. But right now, giving in to their simmering emotions would prod at their faction's leader own composure.
With the gathering mob outside, it was best to make full use of this time not by blaming their conditions and host. It could only compromise them further.
They had to trust Emilia's leadership here.
"Miss Emilia! Please!" Frantically changing his attention from the moving group to the noisy area behind the gates, Felix lagged behind in his pace. This was bad, this was bad!
"Crusch-sama just barely recovered! Her physical improvement isn't yet enough to deal with this problem." The healer caught his breath once a particularly loud and bold statement reached over the gates. "You have to understand, I request! Miss Emilia, our factions are allied by your own agreements, and right now we need your help."
Felix didn't care about appearances any more than the people outside by now. His only purpose was to gather any support to his master. Saying he wore horse-glasses was a passible metaphor. His tunnel vision demanded he would continue to pursue even the slightest chance to continue aiding Crusch. And now, with her freshly revealing to recover from the damnating blood of Dragons, Felix was not permitted to lose this recovery.
"Bite your tongue, Healer." A sharp retort was delivered by one of the most delicate members of the half-elf's faction; a delicate air seemingly attributed only to appearance, because within that person was anything but delicate as of now. In fact, saying she was fierce was putting it lightly. "It disgusts Betty to bare hearing someone so insatiable keep yelling vile requests."
Fury was just beginning to describe the loli's mood. Her small hands balling and bunching folds of her pristine dress from even touching the humid earth beneath. A good excuse to at least vent some frustration, almost in a palpable way at the absurdity of the delays experienced.
"Great Spirit-sama, I… I apologize. But-" Sucking his lips and blinking hard once, Felix ate the harsh retort without even taking the time to consider the veritable spite carried by the elegant Great Spirit. Skipping some steps in a hurry to not lag any further back, the Mystic Blue once more attempted to plead. "But, please, understand the moment demanded all the help possible. Our camp's collaboration is in my duty to-"
"Your duty was to inform me of any, however small, information on my Knight's whereabouts, knight Argyle." The deadpanned and serious cut made to Felix's plea chilled the damp atmosphere further.
Without need of magic to inflict this air, the group could almost make no difference between the expressed opinion and conditions of their surroundings.
Emilia's strict words, being spoken so formal, in such a nuanced way, felt no different to what someone might experience when stepping over a branch just behind a vicious bear that was desperately searching to slaughter as if possessed.
The restraint used in order to reply those words of responsibility was a like the soul crushing disappointment and fury of a commanding leader. …Well, not that it was untrue to even call it so without making a comparison. But it was worth to point it out as such when aware that Felix had no need to oblige to another's demands except Crusch's.
"Tsk! See, princess woulda' said it 'f ma amzin' self hadn'." Whispered Garfiel to Otto with an approving air, almost he himself satisfied enough from hearing Emilia get the point across.
"And I…" Felix cringed, his features turned into a sour likeness from the predominating emotion he shouldered, and pushed on. At least in an attempt to wash whatever bad blood could stain his liege's name. …An ironic way to see it.
"And I beg your forgiveness! But… but Crsuch-sama is in dire need of support! Please, I beg of you to understand." Felix brought his hands together and clenched them tight, almost as if imitating a prayer. "With old man Will gone, telling you about Subaru's likely location would've sent you along with him!"
"I'm pretty sure that was out entire point in even getting here… Sir. Felix." Morosely spoke back Otto. His expression one of dissatisfaction and worry, quickly turning away from the following knight.
"And that would've left the duchy wide open!" Felix at once said it! He said it, he spoke the truth, green in the face. His hands having jutted to his sides as if in a tantrum, fluttering his overcoat in the process. "Those creatures reported would've torn to shreds a good number of people without those ice soldiers there to keep them off day and night!"
Pointing a trembling finger at the few, some mutilated, permafrost constructs, Felix stopped in his tracks. At least content with having managed to stop the camp from going any further.
"A-and, be-besides! Old man Will is going to return soon! So, if anything at all, he'll return with S-Subaru…" Felix's trembling smile was so forced that it was revolting to associate it with a smile at all. The idea sounded good in theory. The probability of having gone to check an empty place cut Emilia's efforts some slack. But when Beatrice in recent days kept making remarks of feeling progressively closer to Subaru was an obvious way to disprove that previous way of thinking.
"W-we…" A new voice, until now silent, saw to intervene in the argument. A weak and sullen voice of an even more sullen figure. A silhouette no bigger than the Great Spirit's was hiding behind the taller individuals. Her overcoat rocking back and forth with her motions, and a crimson glint of a watchful presence settled over her head, denoted Meili's want to speak up. "We…" Her eyes, both moist and red, deprived of rest blinked repeatedly. Fear at awareness to monsters made only from a single existence's want; an existence loathed and enforced by fear. And worry for a single existence's wellbeing, this one the sole reason of her current ability to a good life, exempt from perverted purpose and sick appreciation.
"We're here… to find Subaru." Her simple reply, devoid of counterarguments and only said from a want shut the entire debate.
It was just that transparent.
It was just that simple.
…
"The young lady's will cannot be ignored, Ferris. Please respect it."
As sudden as the silence fell over the pathetic 'storm', a reassuring presence made itself known. A presence dawned in green and gold. With attentive eyes and a confident air, Crusch Karsten took light steps, not yet relieved in full from invasive curses, and reached the morose people.
An easy smile and a stout attitude. Once again since Priestella, Crusch Karsten washed away the popular belief of ever having lost herself so long ago. If a product of stage-performance, one of discipline or conditioning was hard to distinguish. What mattered was that the same underline strength of character had not abandoned her. Without a question, the sole factor of her still strong campaign.
…Of course, current times were murky with how things are evolving. So, making any conclusions now would be still premature.
The sole glance sent towards the protesting crowd being enough insight to her thought process.
"I appreciate the lengths you are willing to walk for me, Ferris." Crusch's hands rested folded behind her back. "And yet, I would rather appreciate more you seeing the errors you've made." Her face was neutral. Decided, and seemingly already all-knowing of what had to be done. That quality, was certainly coveted by all. "Please, rethink that course of actions. You've spoken about our alliance, but from your claims, I've yet to hear us returning our veritable debts to Emilia-sama's own cause. For that, I must apologize, it was my fault to place all the managing weight of information on Felix alone."
With strict moves, Crusch lowered her head. Her bow impeccable and her expression stoic.
"I will do my utmost to begin my support of you, Emilia-sama. Excuses can only go so far." Flexing a hand in front of herself, testing the sense of teasing liberation from the malignant blood still coiling in scorn beneath her skin, Crusch perused with her eyes the people before her. "And as tasteless as it is to start working from these current conditions: I have to ask of Emilia-sama to wait at most for Wilhelm-dono's return. Thus, we may have at least some definitive information regarding Subaru-sama's whereabouts."
"Mmh, yes. It's only more of an annoyance, but we know." The still forlorn tone of Otto confirmed with the Duchess.
Said Duchess' eyes slightly widened.
"Then, if not to prepare departure…" Looking over their light equipment, Karsten mulled over the mood of the moment. "Where to?"
"Mabeasts are everywhere around the duchy for reasons we don't know." Emilia slowly spoke up. Her voice like an ascent from a disheartened point to a reluctant acceptance. "Waiting around is not the right choice." Her invigorating voice deprived of its natural exuberance, sounded hollow. Or rather, malcontented. "This wasn't how it was supposed to be." A sinking weight scarped against her insides. Like a led claw, tearing at her notion of comfort. Whatever this was, a gut-feeling, intuition or instinct, it was almost unbearable. "I don't know why. But I know this wasn't how things were supposed to be." Her clear disappointment, directed to her own self, was almost palpable. "We were long since supposed to have been in Picoutatte. Even when we're so, soooo, close." A longing seeped her words. "But we're still here… So, I thought that if at least Subaru will be the one to return… at least, at the very least, I would clear his way. At least… at least."
Suddenly, the heavy and distant voice of heart aching sorrow cut off. Emilia turned away her head from the conversation, effectively putting a stop to her point.
Guilt was unmistakably a weight the elven girl was dealing with for some time now. And since dealing with it, it didn't show signs of improving.
"Be it as it may, Betty's Subaru will find us or Betty will find him, I suppose." With an irrelevant and vague principle, Beatrice only wanted to wave aside the discussion. "Therefore, Betty will go look ahead." And as simply as that, the Great Spirit resumed for the domain's exit.
"…I understand." Closing her eyes and thinning her lips, Crusch felt herself sink with shame. This had become so unorganized that it was shameful to have ever called herself a capable solution to their plight. She felt that speaking any more about her letdown now would do nothing, perhaps even garner annoyance. "Please allow me to accompany you on your way."
With an unspoken agreement, the morose group reached the stage of discord set by the citizens of the duchy.
"Gheh, say Brotto, ain' it seem like ta Sir. knight look off ta ya?"
Julius nervously faced off the shouts and offenses brought by the gathering outside. His flawless likeness marred by a sickly complexion. One placation was overturned by new accusations. His efforts made no lasting marks and his feet could be seen ever slightly shuffling backwards. His replies choked in his throat halfway before getting the chance to say everything. If not obvious that he wouldn't be stomped over by the crowd, due to simply their nature not seeking blood but answers, his surroundings depicted a very likely escalation.
"Mh, please Garf, don't mention it around him." Otto's face soured in thought. "Since depositing Alphard, Sir Julius has been on constant edge." That much was obvious and simple to deduce even to a stranger, given the smallest amount of context. Yet, because they weren't strangers, it was so that Otto detected a tendency the knight proved to escape in lately.
Lately, Julius had been going out of his way to support a wide number of requests asking for help. A steady change, day by day. An ease, so to say, in this style of going about. Ranging from local's minimal need of a helping hand, to internal debates held by members of their factions, the knight seemed to adopt a mannerism dedicated for fulfilling something specific.
Weird, knowing how the knight was dedicated blood and bone to Anastasia. Wasting effort on anything outside his lord's direct benefit or command wasn't like him. Rather, exactly due to his overly conservative knightly values, his acts were reserved solely for Anastasia. Therein, leaving him often outside many other matters.
So naturally, Otto's keen eye could make the distinction.
Julius might as well definitely be concluded to act this way out of a very, very, specific shame. It's context, regarding the nature of those acts, was left unknown to Otto and the rest, minus Anastasia herself. It was obvious why she was so tolerant about this. Afterall, she bore witness to the exchange that coerced Julius out of his 'armor'.
…
…
…
Silk weaved gloves gently gestured for their patience.
Mauve bangs stuck to his forehead, recently unkept and slick with dribbles of sweat.
A faint ringing in his ears from a raging collective.
And an urgent need to answer them.
Being a knight, by choice, meant to help. To exemplary respond. To make his job worthwhile.
'Even Julius can't help but want to be a knight right now, can't he?'
Rueful remembrance surfaced in echo roughish calls to action.
Julius wet his lips and breathed deeper.
A seething ache tugging in his ribs to be here, however lamentable his end results may be, urged to be obeyed. It may have been considerably shameful of him to be here. Stepping out of line!
His cheeks flared red and his skull felt lightheaded. He was really doing these things! Stepping out of line without order. But it was also not wrong to do so.
Those agitated people, scared and lost without any confirmation of how much longer their livelihoods may be wide open to possible all-out war with a dreaded nation.
His job as royal knight to candidate Anastasia Hoshin was to support and pave her destiny towards Lugnica's crown.
Not play a sorry attempt at peace-walker between citizens and possible threats. It was outside his right to act on.
But…
But as meager and little his aid in this self-fulfilling endeavor was, Julius still with shame to admit, wanted to act!
This ability to express. Outside his depth, the public was unresponsive to his rooky attempts of understanding. He could not capture the hearts of the people. He could not organize them into a merging force. He could not bring assurance to their fear.
It wasn't his place to act on these wants…
But he so desperately wanted to prove himself.
After all his flowery words and claim to first and foremost raise to his expectations, Julius was left facing this situation eerily similar to a past happening. And it turned out that risking this confrontation, of reflection defined by Subaru, against his knightly values was no easy task.
Battling an invisible enemy. Fighting what could not be slashed. Flailing in disheartening efforts on desires he feared answering, Julius nonetheless… stuck to it.
"—"
Once more, deprived of immediate reply, the knight stepped forward. And motioned to hear out again the gathering's protests.
…
Fortunately, by some unseen forces work he wouldn't have to carry this task alone.
"I have heard your discontent." Capturing the attention, unapologetically stating the obvious with the tact of an ignoramus intentionally, Crusch Karsten made herself visible to the now murmuring crowd. Perhaps this little beginning gesture was a good first step towards solving their issues. No point in conducting niceties, that much was certain.
"So, name them then! In order." Without permitting herself to bow her head, the duchess was not here to apologize or placate. "Clearly now, so I may hear. No need to be shy since I've arrived."
Like a rippling distortion in the uniform agitation, the crowd hickuped upon hearing and seeing their demands met.
A few haphazardly began looking at each other, quite surprised to get this far. But no less finding themselves short on where to go from here.
However, some were quick to leap at the chance:
"Apologies for no apologies, duchess." A man, fitting well the universal definitive image of a grandpa, yet severely suffering from a case of old-man-strength syndrome, found himself speaking first. A single glance passed over his garbs pointed to his affiliation in the military. Or at least past affiliation. But his face wasn't exactly right to chalk up to be a first time seeing. If Wilhelm were present, the individual would've been recognized.
"But let's face the problem. Crass it is, I admit…" The old man looked around and pointed to himself. "Shouldn't ask this or force more, but…" Momentarily he hesitated. "Vollachia's spilled threats for the past months. The duchy's mighty close to the border. And a nice enough place to eye out." His eyes looking lost, the man nervously rubbed a hand against his nose. "'Nough said with that alone…"
"Das a thin' in iself mam." A farmer, by appearance, chimed in. His wide-eyed expression a product of worry or merely his natural feature. "But… The garrison's not… much left o' ta do." Clutching his hat before his chest with apprehension, the farmer tremored lightly in place. "Man's one thin'. But with da beasts now?" Whizzing slow breaths through his teeth, some nods and sounds of approval from around, the farmer collected himself a little more to speak clearer.
"Ah, fer fuck sakes! Ta hell wih da brownnosing! Mam!" A young man with a reddened face and furrowed brow struggled through the crowd to step closer. "This means more violence, either coin you flip. And everyone here knows that means more manpower. But come on! …" His expression faltered into something tired and hard to define. A general aura of unwillingness radiating of his behavior. "Duchess. …You're not well after that crisis back at Prie-… And I can't bring meself ta strap again to fight Od knows when." The now downtrodden man rested a heavy hand over his hip, echoing a dull slap against the tempered steel fastened by his belt. "Please. Tell us ya got something else planned before we neck-deep in already." In the end he pleaded.
As it stood. They revealed to be a convenient façade, one masquerading in a furious mob.
And behind that were tired, reluctant and weary people.
…
Mindfully moving by, Emilia looked over Crusch and the weary speakers. Her glimmering eyes, peeking from behind a sideways folded hood, brought only more conflicting issues to her awareness.
With hoarse and feeble voices, the gathering's calling at solutions disregarding direct confrontation worked like dumping their fatigue over herself. Another shame rattled her conscience. Out of guilt to only pursue her own desire, while knowingly moving by them.
But this wasn't fair! Having to painfully accept this trade of values. Her own cause wasn't unjust, but she had to ignore them. She couldn't be condemned, so she shouldn't feel so bad for seeing to her own troubles. She herself had her own mission, no place to take on others.
…
With a gasp of recognition, a particularly nosy citizen, shouldering his way as close to the mansion caught sight of constructs lined within the domain.
"Wa-w-wait! Mi-miss! Mam, duchess!" The rising voice clued Emilia over the discovery. This result already expected one way or another. "A-are those?! C-can you call the Witch Knight?!"
…
Up and down, this inner conflict became her most recent friend. Emilia was punched with every notion of doing a wrong act in achieving a good end. A swaying sea of ease and blame. How would she make herself appear before the one she searched when doing this? Holding a candle to him became steadily impossible. Standards she disappointed in meeting when plenty examples were given to her for so long. Wishing to reach the same virtue as proven often, Emilia grappled against this storm of blame.
Pursing her lips, cringing at the shame, gnashing her teeth, and blinking her eyes, the girl walked past the commotion to wander throughout the streets along her companions.
…
"What?" Another one, left slack jawed and short of breath whispered. "Is-is he here…?"
"Witch Knight?" A hopeful call of confusion, like a random answer thrown towards a problem struggling to resolve, another present citizen wondered. "Duchess Karsten! Your faction's worked plenty times with him, no?"
"Priestella's wellbeing was already secured. And… and word already came of that Tower…"
"Then call him! Duchess Karsten, will you?!"
Adding agreements built up. A collective will she could at least agree this much with.
…
Feeling a bump brush by her side, Meili walking on ahead, on her unsteady legs, shaking in her boots, Emilia contemplated that little girl's perseverance. Exposed to a past's returning horror, Meili so bravely stood with them in this mission.
Looking over Beatrice, the spirit knowingly eyed back the silent half-elf. Speaking nothing, as if in show of example by action, the little kind girl just carried on. Her butterfly gaze set with perseverance ahead.
Looking further, Garfiel and Otto walked on unbothered. Not a sign of indecision in their stride. Quips made back and forth, betraying nothing of their decided aim.
Behind her, Crusch stoutly facing the demands of the crowd. Julius close by unafraid to remain despite his discomfort.
…
"Duchess Karsten, we ask of you again to work together!"
"Duchess, please call of him! If Priestella could be led to live through tha' hell, surely this can be too!"
"Didn't two contenders to the crown reach by?! Means he's already here! His candidate could do stuff with ice!"
"Is the elf candidate here? Then please call for them!"
…
A weighty sensation stubbornly nagged at her, like an objective truth pointing her the obvious she fearfully hesitated to accept. Emilia pursed her lips and frowned lightly. A rueful simper tugging at her lips due to nothing more than her own train of thought.
With a silent admittance to herself and a small effort to follow through, Emilia ate her doubts.
This was just not the time, or the place.
All she needed to focus over lied beyond the horizon. Extra problems wouldn't solve what she'd initially embarked for.
Just like this. Emilia would choose to look over the problems she might've held the ability to help with. In exchange to focus over her own problem. Over her own want.
"Right shoulder, I'll begin now. …Please, excuse me." Somewhat trembling with an unnamed emotion, she softly warned.
Following the alert with a gap of time left to prepare: Rem firmly pulled at Subaru's right shoulder in fluid directions while propping his side away. A popping noise thrumming along his back resounded in the carriage.
"Mgh… shit…!" Biting down a louder variant of relieving stress and settling for a mundane utterance, Subaru's face cringed as if having his wounds dripped with lemon juice. "It's ok. Don't have to announce it anymore. Just, better off to treat like ripping a band aid."
All the while, his inner voice screamed in protest.
Subaru's eyes glimmered with a burning hatred, only mellowed by his need to go through with the crude and primitive method he postponed the sickness with.
Clomped by his relaxed side, observing with moistened eyes and quivering mouth, Louis held tight the arm already gone through the motions done now.
"With all respect, Suba-… But it's necessary for Captain to be carefully treated." With hidden shame, Rem disregarded Subaru's urge. It was not a problem of impatience on his part. Rather, she had for some time suspected it was a matter of his personal views.
And of course, when around him, she reverted to only respectful approaches.
Least this way… she may mend some past grievances committed. It was a sad sight from the outside to see this happen. But certain barriers had to be adopted, reasoned Rem. After everything gone through, a measure of self-imposed limits was what she believed to be the right decision.
During her stay with Priscilla, the azure oni gained a loaded perspective of her past actions.
She almost bit her own tongue too.
"'M not a washed-up geezer." Subaru replied whilst mulling the inside of his cheek. His reply sounding forced through stiff lips. "Better not get used to it, we're not making a habit from this. 'S just temporary." Maintaining a rhythm as if almost short of breath, but steadily returning to normal, the young man righted himself better in the seat.
"Would this not be offensive to those who suffer illnesses to think so, Su- Captain?" Rem dared to quest, only to end up her sentence shyly. A downcast gaze, once assuring his right shoulder was in a good enough condition.
"It'd be offensive if I were in the same boat." Lightly grazing his fingers along the entirety of his right limb, Subaru could start relaxing a little. Now that the session was ended, the momentary pains could fade away, no more a problem. "But I've got it easy. So, it's only right to be realistic."
And as if on cue, his pattern of speech set over vague remarks returned.
Speaking as if in clues over subjects half hidden by his personal opinions to his image.
Of course, it wasn't a mystery to Rem what Subaru might've meant with that. Truth be told, it was rather annoying. Having to listen to that way of categorization right and wrong was a good means to make her bones freeze a little.
It was slightly nerve racking. It gave her an eerie feeling that something was slipping through her fingers and she was failing to seize it.
It was a complicated thing.
"I don't believe such a view to fit here, Sir."
"Rem, please, just stop with the…" Palming a side of his face, Subaru felt the skin of his cheek stuck to the bone bellow, and rolled his eyes at the not too recent development of his wedged relationship with Rem. "You're Rem, I'm Subaru, basic notions. K? They're there to use freely."
"-ah-a-h-hg…! 'M-l-lo…-m-e-l-l" A breathless type of forced effort to create words came from the cascade of almost transparent blonde stuck to him.
Looking downward at the steadily smiling girl, he could see crystalline eyes brighten as the morning sky with every screechy noise she made. Louise must've wanted to speak, and it seemed she even might've picked up enough to try it nowadays.
It was easy to detect what primed her to try talking. However, Subaru willed himself to not be aware of it. Rather he chose merely nodding at her, scanning with his eyes anything in the carriage but Louis and hesitantly patting her head.
"Mm hmn…" Humming dryly, Subaru awkwardly looked away and met again Rem's indirect sight.
Rem made haste to profit off the occasion and relocate herself beside the cooing girl. Leaning close and trying to grasp Louis' hands in her own, though difficult since the little figure all but tried to fuse into Subaru with her hug. Rem could be only thankful for having managed to momentarily run away from the previous request. Hiding away from what perhaps should've been confronted, only maintaining the wedge between herself and Subaru, Rem knowingly avoided giving herself such an easy way out.
"How does Captain wager his condition until finding Great Spirit-sama?"
"…" Captain. Again repeated, for the n-th time by Rem since across the border.
A loving title known from home and carried through a cesspit. A reflexive appellative to fall on. A status seen through childish and pure eyes of innocence, resorted to for bloody deeds. If Subaru were to associate a color with the idea, it initially would've been green.
Lately however he's been imagining only red.
It was a loving title set in faith. Later to be used to stand neck deep in corpses, regrettably. The perfect mask he'd always searched for. It was so conveniently set beside himself. So, so, perfectly there to take it.
Yes. He had to return and explain that too, didn't he?
"My name's-…" Cutting himself off and sighing, Subaru gave up for now. "It'll be alright, Rem. We almost arrived anyway. Won't need to bother you anymore with it, thankfully." With a forced roughish tone, Subaru ended his answer, hoping to earn at least a reaction out of the blue haired girl.
Alas!
She was quiet.
"What about your sense of balance?" Rem prudently directed her attention towards his back whilst inching a hand closer to indicate she could begin with the difficult process.
"Later. I'll just walk for now to keep 'em working." Resigning to his silent thoughts, Subaru got up to stretch and leave the confines of the carriage.
Since this was second to the last stop towards the duchy, getting a few paces around wouldn't be bad. That and checking how the others were doing would be a more central reason.
"Gh-h-ha-hga-h-… m-Lo-l!" Louis stubbornly clutched to his left arm, letting her weight be an anchor to pull back.
"—Hk, fu-!" Exasperated by her reluctance to part ways, for however short it would be, Subaru clenched his jaw after roughly falling back in his seat. "Look Louis, I get we're buds, but I like my space."
With a sudden jerk of his shoulder, Subaru's numb limb shook the little girl with glistening eyes. Her likeness was contorted into something seen as ugly by him. Her scrunched features, indicating a feeling of sadness, was something that problematically reached him.
But… Rem was there.
"Please Louis, I'm can't koala-carry you now, let go." Subaru forced himself to nicely reason with the upset child.
If anything, her clinging shape was like a rubbing sponge of nails. Seeing her sickening blonde hair fluttering as she vigorously held on prodded at the insides of his skull like a poisoned nerve.
Seeing this, this… thing! Trying to stay close with this color of hair, and so fragile, as if she were his… His spirit!
Spirit still far away from him! In the end because of this abomination!
Subaru's eyes focused over Louis, and his free arm flinched.
With his back stiff, it took a really big deal out of him to stay put. No, really… it took a lot, a pretty sizeable amount, of patience to still himself. Proof for that coming no later in the form of a hot exhale, whizzing through his chapped lips.
Rem, meanwhile, observed with doe eyes his wavering behavior. He arms close to Louis, carelessly enclosing the girl with earnest love. And yet, aware of his distaste of Louis, diminished as it were, Rem waited.
Faced with the resurfacing ire towards Louis' past, Subaru in his open state of shoddy fortitude had to will himself into remembering his own words. Words claiming tolerance of the current Louis. He claimed to see only the mindless kid existing now and not the threat of the past. Although Vincent grew to understand him and ponder over the child's worth in keeping around. Although Al suspected if the kid was really alright to bother with. Although Medium asked him…!
In the end: Louis still gave her all to eat the death blow that did him and Vincent in… at least in that inexistent loop.
So, Subaru let it go. At least for now.
Either way, it was for the best. Letting himself open to think over people in his exact state now wasn't healthy. His body was a bother to even move and it left him acting rashly. He felt close to drunk enough from the sickness infecting him to maybe rival Heinkel on his 'meh' days. So, better leave it like that and move on.
You know… man up, as it were.
That tends to work well enough for him.
Just, gulp it down and never mind it.
…
Looking away and propping his free hand beneath his jaw, Subaru looked out the window opposite to Louis and Rem.
"Sir?" Rem shyly reached out.
"…" Peeking at her through the corner of an eye, Subaru rose a brow.
Rem wet her lips, fidgeting in place, she kept a silence before speaking. "How does Captain wager his condition?" She asked once more. Without an edge of sarcasm. No, Rem purely repeated that question out of worry.
Worry.
"—Ca-. It doesn't matter." Waving with annoyance his hand at the wrist, like a dejected gesture, Subaru didn't even bother to try answering in full.
…
!
Without any kind of knock, the carriage door's handle twisted. How rude, wasn't it?
'Thank God!' The tense silence could be washed off with whatever followed. Of course, Suabaru wouldn't speak this out loud with Rem right beside. That would certainly be insulting, he wagered. Better to keep it to himself and just be thankful for the reprieve.
"Hoh? Already done savoring your alone time, Boss?"
Scratch that, Subaru wasn't thankful anymore. Fuck this new situation actually. Royally screw this guy! What an asshole.
"If that were it, what would Louanna feel about your voyeurism, huh Commander?" How heartwarming! Subaru could speak his language as if knowing one another for a lifetime.
"Ey, ey, easy there, no need to be shy when you sound off 'round the entire area." Gruffly laughed Heinkel as he unceremoniously hopped in the carriage, walked opposite to the entrance and placed and arm over the window, leaning to look Subaru over.
"I mean, I get it. At first, good doctor me, got your scar of a body to work somethin' better. But I don't know about how the others will interpret this 'behind the scenes' you've got going." Impishly smiling, Heinkel played with some frills from a cloak carried in a hand, feigning disinterest.
"Ah, and like the prime-gentleman-knight example, you just shrugged and said something out of place when asked about it, huh?" Subaru plopped his free hand over his knee and inevitably smirked back at the red haired.
"You really gotta ask what you already know?" Heinkel rolled his half-lidded eyes as he waved off the implication. Making a weird pause before letting his tongue roll due to Rem's presence, the royal knight commander tsk-ed as if finding some leftovers between his teeth. "Say, how's Captain's scoliosis? Got it treated?"
"Fuck off."
"Wow-wow, here's my heart-soothing concern and you speak like that?" The sarcasm was rich with this one.
"Your concern is more heart-cringing than soothing."
"Harsh."
"Like I should be considering of you, yet."
"Uuu~la~la! You kiss your mother with that mouth? Eugh…" A lopsided simper decorated Heinkel's face.
"I'd… do that if! If only I wouldn't… whatever! You're here because~" Leaving the sentence open, Subaru unabashedly admitted his accusation before reverting his answer.
"'Thought I told I'd come along, didn't I?"
"Exactly, just that. Not the 'why'." Attempting to sneakily push aside Louis, Subaru snaked his right hand to push against the conversation attentive girl.
"Well, someone's gotta give credible backup word to the council back at the capitol, no?" Speaking as if the obvious, Heinkel shrugged and moved to lounge in the seats opposite of the trio. "No one just goes alone to mention in passing national business."
"Ah, and the credible source here would be, you?" Subtly snorting, Subaru pointed at the Astrea before moving a foot over another to sit better. "How people grow. I'll start crying."
"You can stop the bit now, Boss." Heinkel somewhat bitterly smirked back. "And for the council: we're not in Vollachia anymore, so you can't expect they'd listen to you like there, ey?"
"Ok, look, I was already having it difficult just now going about that persona-" Subaru glanced at Rem "-can you leave it? You were doing a pretty decent job for the past days."
"What, ya shy about it? Captain didn't complain about it much, so why see it bad now?"
"Wouldn't have to complain about it if you'd stop talking about it." Subaru mirrored the older man and expressed a hesitant appeal.
"Why? Ya shat yerslef during a mission to shy away? I'd own it!" Comfortably, the man fidgeted in his seat to lean back.
"If I would've ever done the, be sure it would've been during your piggyback rides." Devilishly smiling through closed lips, Subaru gestured with his chin at the knight.
"Oho! Talking big now, ey? Glad to see you learned something from good 'ol me. Add that to your record: Big title, big responsibility, and stellar aptitude!"
"…I- Rem thinks this two-way abuse must cease. Rem thinks this can't be encouraged for Louis to hear." A little discomforted by the rude nature of their dialogue, Rem moved to hug Louis closer.
Much to Subaru's internal glee, bringing the silent girl closer to parting with his left arm.
"Oooh~… right. That's still a problem you've got, huh?" Heinkel for a split second made the considerate decision to appear more serious. As surprising as it came for Subaru to acknowledge, Heinkel was quite keen towards his grievances.
"Here, since I'm the one talking-" Heinkel glanced at Louis and Rem. "Maybe she's right. I'll spare the kid the reality-check."
With that patchy agreement to change locations, the knight commander left the carriage.
And no later, Subaru, elated to have escaped Louis, soon followed. Leaving the instantly saddened little girl to try hop after him, only to be caught by Rem in an attempt to soothe her unspoken emotions.
…
Taking quick strides over the wooden stairs, Subaru shuddered from pinprick-like jolts. His legs pulsated like a malignant heart, replete with venomous blood.
Moving up so fast, during this time no less, he felt himself short of breath. Like just surfacing from an unhealthily long dive.
His stomach folded in itself like a clew. A lead weight dragging inside.
Subaru's vision fogged like a pair of glasses. Requiring extra patience to wait and hope, more than anything, for his clarity to return.
His entire body felt stiff.
In recent days, he became progressively accustomed to the 'discomfort'. Proof of that being even his temporary stay at the Astrea mansion. It became a bother episodically, really. But Subaru wasn't optimistic enough to chalk it up to chance.
It was unfortunately a tell-tale sign of advancement to his illness.
"Anything to know 'bout your sorry ass?" Speaking nonchalantly, Heinkel looked somewhere else.
At least, Subaru had to credit Heinkel for his consistency of indulging his past wishes. Acknowledging his issues was always a bitter subject. If he were to need listening about them, he'd prefer to make jokes about it.
"Mhm" wincing as he rubbed his temple, Subaru murmured. "I'll ask for your guarding duty during the night, if alright with you."
"So, like back then. …Is being on the road giving you those episodes?"
"Maybe? Or maybe because I'll have a fallout back home?" Looking without focus, Subaru talked without much thought. Typically, he'd be more tactful about naming his insecurities. It just was difficult to manage his half-truths now when his head felt like shattering.
"That it?" Juggling from one hand to the other the cloak he carried, Heinkel stepped in front of Subaru. "Mighty dumb coming from ya Captain. You sound like a pussy."
"Ok, thanks."
"'Ok, thanks'? Where's the comeback?"
"I don't deny truths."
"Hmh!" Heinkel huffed, disappointed seemingly for not continuing the snide remarks thrown at one another. "Then you're really blundering this one, Captain, if that's it."
"Well maybe I'd be more cooperative if you'd stop mentioning that." Flicking a hand towards him, Subaru made to look away.
"You mean run from yourself? Oi! I'm speaking to you, aren't I?" Getting a little irritated now, the man grabbed Subaru's shoulder to turn him back his way.
"Oh, because you'd know all about running away, huh?" This time Subaru rudely jabbed at the older Astrea.
"Maybe yeah, because of that." But astonishingly, that accusation was agreed with. "Thought I'd take your offer and see things for what they were. One is me already being a sheit, and struggle to change. And another thing is you getting to be a sheit."
"My offer was for you to focus on yourself and turn the page, dickhead. Not…" Subaru didn't know how to continue, so he simply stopped. He sensed though that the gist of his message was sent well enough.
"Yeh, and that offer includes others, right?" Wrinkling half his upper lip in a disapproving way, whilst revealing his teeth, Heinkel scowled. "Can't go about making good on it if I'd let, say, someone like my son or wife to keep doing something stupid if I saw it, ey? You're here, you're acting stupid, I'm speaking about it. Isn't that being responsible? So there, I'm doing exactly what we agreed on. I'm being better."
"What's your point, Heinkel?" Subaru was starting to regret getting outside, no matter how much he needed to keep moving to help his body from shutting down day by day.
And speaking was becoming a bother. Moving his lips already was annoying, it even made him feel them numb, leading to speak almost lazily.
"My point, Captain-" Heinkel emphasized the title. "is you're making a big mistake by trying to look all nice and spotless. You did what ya had to, right? 'Captain' wasn't something you came up with and Vincent agreed with 'cause it sounded nice, right? …In fact, what Chisha-"
"What Chisha and I debated is over."
"Is it? If so, how did you know I'd mention that? …Your sorry ass is still just as helpless like when Chisha said it." This time Heinkel spoke more angrily.
"So what, Heinkel, tell me what? Do I go around now yelling about it? Get drunk in pubs and sing a cheery tale? O~h, look at me! War~Time~Criminal, Natsuki Subaru! This is the Captain telling you all about who he stepped over who's bones to do what he damn fucking wanted! Real heroic…"
With a sickening musical tone, Subaru mocked a merry play as he posed with hands over his hips, like a hero in story books.
"…" With a bitter face, Heinkel only looked Subaru up and down as if seeing something to pity. "You criticized Priscilla at many moments. But annoying as it is to say; looks like she was right." With a curt motion, the man thrust the cloak he carried in Subaru's chest to hold.
"I didn't try and say you'd gloat about it. …I only tried saying you should see yourself for yourself. Not a fable's hero sent on an odyssey!"
"And aren't I 'seeing myself for myself'?" Subaru was genuinely confused and irritated. He was already practicing what Heinkel complained about to an acceptable degree. What did he want now?
"No. No, you're not." Spitting off to the side, Heinkel's mien reflected something Subaru didn't want to understand. "I tended to wander what got me so annoyed at you from time to time. But ya just made it obvious now."
"Ah, and what is your enlightening realization, oh wise one?" Subaru laughed with sarcasm.
"That I don't know jack-shit of what's going on inside your fucked-up head…"
…
Subaru's smile gradually went downwards. His eyes lost the genuine wrinkles around their corners. His mien became neutral.
"And since ya won't say, how da fuck am I supposed to help?"
"Didn't ask for help."
"Didn't you? …Then what about back then?"
"Personal help, then. Don't confu-"
"What's the difference?!"
"…"
"…"
"Making a scene already?" Subaru subtly huffed through his nose as he gave a knowing look with one eye closed. "You don't have to force yourself, Heinkel. It's good you're putting in the effort. But try and focus it where it should be well spent."
"And another thing." Already cutting him off, the royal knight commander treaded over the waving green field in an impatient way. "The way you go about telling others what the fuck they should be doing! How do you know I'm doing things wrong, huh? Where 'm I supposed to focus first if not where there's a problem?"
"…" Subaru felt his heart pound strongly against his ribs. Again, its violence in pace matched an intent as if aimed to shatter his insides and burst out his chest.
"…" Heinkel raised his arms horizontally, in a motion depicting he waited for an answer.
"We talked this over already. Leave it like that and let's move on to other things." Subaru only replied with a sedated enthusiasm.
"Hmpf…! Yeah. Let's just leave it, huh? …Fine. You're the Captain anyway." But Heinkel only agreed through a disappointed remark, halfheartedly abandoning the dispute. "What's it matter how the leader's in the head 's long as he gets the job done, eh?"
…
…
"So why are you accompanying?" Yet Subaru only sighed and didn't waste time to ask.
"For one, I just did it out of personal reason. But since you're an asshole about this stuff, why should I explain?" Challengingly, Heinkel narrowed his eyes, waiting if he'd be denied. But once receiving no reply, he spoke on. "And officially, I'm seeing you to the Sage Council to set things over you-know-what. You don't need me to spell it out."
"So, I get you want to keep an eye on Wilhelm-san and Reinhard." But Subaru as usual in his fashion, trampled over others desires and still managed to challenge Heinkel on his earlier talk. "Going to act the neutral party between the two?"
They both knew who was the person at the center of their unspoken conflict. When everything else was taken care of and sorted, between Wilhelm and Reinhard would always exist this wedge.
One named Theresia.
"Maybe… Hmf. Reinhard did the right thing, but in a bad way. Father faltered, but in a good way." With an eye roll, Heinkel talked through closed teeth. "You're a piece of shit, you know? I say I won't talk about it, but you somehow talk about it."
"Part of my charm, get used to it." Subaru folded his arms beneath his chest. The sensation growing worryingly to something spine-chilling. "I'm almost worried. You being responsible and playing the bigger man to take care of us… Wow. Is the world on fire or something?"
His sick heart's rhythm pounded against his chest for so long and so vigorously that now his body grew dull to experiencing it. And precisely due to this dull annoyance, Subaru became further aware how agonizing tonight's 'sleep' would become.
The mana in his body ravaged around, from blood vessel to bone, from muscle to viscera, even to his skin. The uncontrolled poison accumulated to paralyze his body.
Accumulating to eventually leave him bedridden.
And from there?
Well, Subaru never experienced or saw how a living being's Od would manifest physically and start shattering… But he guessed it wouldn't be eye candy to make a show out of.
…
His heart's beating soon was easier to imagine as someone knocking on a door.
"But what about the late fashion sense?" Subaru pointed at the cloak he now held. "Didn't you know nowadays it's more fashionable to change wardrobes altogether?"
"Huh, piss off. I ain't pulling off a woman's looks. Ya looked at my face even? The hell says about this as youthful?" Heinkel at least eased up enough to humorously turn down Subaru's reference. "Just make sure to use it before finding your love in Karsten's dutchy. Showing your mug suddenly might give the idea we're preparing for war with Vollachia. Until news reach the capital, better like this."
"How delightful, you remembered to make fun about that exact detail." Subaru let a simper bloom over his wizened face at Heinkel's jab towards Emilia.
"Naturally… Because it'll only be a joke 's long as you'll hide about it…" Heinkel spoke without an ounce of mirth. His sky-blue eyes were dead-set over Subaru's evil ones.
"We're not opening that again." But Subaru quickly denied him. "What you say will have the opposite effect. You shouldn't give advice about love, Heinkel.
With a roughish smirk, Subaru poked fun at the man's meager attempt at discussing love.
"…" But without retorting yet, Heinkel walked over the field, taking slow and deliberate steps to reach Subaru.
Remaining mute and lightly swaying on the balls of his feet back and forth, the man tsk-ed almost inaudibly.
"And still… Louanna loves me. This awful man you see. …huh." With a thoughtful look and a twisted tone of surprise, Heinkel stared at Subaru.
"Look at that. Me, veritable sheit… loved by Louanna. I wonder why? 'S not like she doesn't know who I am, doesn't she?"
And just like this. With such a simple and direct statement, everything Subaru said by and entertained was proven to be only convenient lies.
If the mana poisoning permeating his body wasn't enough to leave him mentally exposed enough to Heinkel's hefty words, then the persistent nocking inside his chest, of someone announcing their arrival, left Subaru silent.
"I like joking about ya being a brat since ya know… you literally became one! But… you really learned nothing, huh?" With a regrettable tone, Heinkel exhaled and stepped back, looking towards accompanying carriages and the people outside socializing. "You only lied to Priscilla about having learned 'bout pride, didn't you?"
"…"
"…"
The wind blew past them.
The atmosphere became heavy. Unfortunately, maybe it even became unpleasant. Maintaining this interaction was already revealing to be detrimental.
"…"
"…"
Inside Subaru's chest, the nocking became harsher. Like someone's violent attempt to express their impatience.
The nocking soon turned into something like a fist beating against his sternum. An invisible hand meaning to break down the door.
"…"
"Well, see ya at night, Captain. …Guess now I know a little why ya can't even sleep right."
Saying so with a sorrowful tone, not turning his head to look back, Heinkel moved away.
Just like that.
Just like that leaving this conversation.
After having the gall to prod at his tidily kept demons, open him up on the analyzing board, discrediting his painfully taken decisions and all their worth, he now walked away.
Like as if swinging by just to shoot him through the core and leave him here spilling his regretful phantoms in silence.
"You don't know shit."
Still, with whatever spite held, Subaru spat out indifferently to the retreating man.
"Yeah, you're right! Why else you think even Rem calls you Captain?!" Turning on his heels whilst walking backwards, Heinkel pointed at him. "Show only that side and only that get! But no, don't take my word, fuck do I know?!"
…
Ironic.
Subaru was warned by the man who tasted for many years a miserable fate.
Subaru was warned by a man far too knowing of right and wrong for those you love. Out of painfully earned experience, no less.
Subaru hated it.
Subaru hated to admit… seeing not Heinkel now.
But only a black mirror.