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Every other day I fear that the series of perfect days could end any moment. It hasn't ended yet - but this all is so fragile that I don't really allow myself to get my hopes up. This is too good to be true. Something will happen, something bad. It always does. I've never been happy for too long, not once in my life. The day will come. Soon, I fear. And the higher my hopes get, the deeper I'm gonna fall.
I don't want to fall. But I will. I always do.

Most of the times it was my fault that everything went down the drain. I fucked up my marriage. I could have quit working for the army and in the intelligence sector right after Kim was born, then everything would have been different. I made so many decisions that I regret. That raid on the Chinese embassy. That ruined my relationship with Audrey. Freaking out after Renee's death. That ruined my life completely. Allowing Kate to handle the situation with Audrey... Stop it. I'll have time to think about all the mess when it goes bad again.

It's hard not to ruin the perfect moments with memories about the past.

She looks so gorgeous. It is a real pleasure to feel her warmth and every single one of her moves, while she rests her body against mine. We're half sitting, half lying at the bed in my room ever since lunch.

The past days have gone beyond my imagination. Though she still doesn't speak a word, that almost doesn't matter right now. We understand each other even without words.

She has stayed with me, five days in a row now already. She stays really close. Slept in my bed every night, spent the days with me. Two days ago she even took me with her, in the late evening, up to the chapel where the piano is. I acted surprised, when she showed it to me.
With a big smile she sat down at the long bench in front of it and she let me listen. Even I got my turn to show her that I still fail miserably at Chopin.

It sounded like heaven when she took back over and played. The acoustics of the chapel and the low vibrations of the music are a perfect match- like made for each other.
I don't know how often she came up here to play, in the past two weeks, but she really improved ever since the first night in which I heard her play up there. It almost sounded like 'home', like twelve years ago, when we sat in her living room.

That night, I just closed my eyes and tried to forget everything in between and imagine it was twelve years ago again. Lying at her sofa, watching her back as she sat at her grand piano. How sad to come back to this reality.

I play around with one of her blonde strands as she leans towards me now. She's asleep, or at least at rest. Nevertheless a smile is on her face, it got bigger ever since I started playing around with her hair. She's awake, I'm pretty sure.

I try to hide it from her, how concerned I am that everything will go down the drain. It would be so bad to tell her the truth- that we're in the middle of a foreign country, surrounded by enemies, that the CIA and some people in the White House would like to see her dead... that I have barely any resources to bring us away from here or to grant us a life in peace. Freedom would be too much to ask. We will never be free. I won't. I'm pretty sure that she won't ever be free again, either. Not as long as the CIA and the White House want to hide or kill the fact that she's alive.

Does she know all that? Does she even know in what kind of danger she is? I'm not sure.

Right now she looks almost happy, snuggling up to me. She got a lot stronger. If I took her for a walk, outside, she'd probably manage. People would no longer stop and stare at the person next to me. She's still skinny, but she doesn't look sick any more.

Even I got a little better. I'm trying to work out every day, doing pushups and sit-ups and other exercises, first of all not to freak out here inside these walls and secondly to prepare for... fighting. It's hard to admit the real reason. Fighting. A fight is going to come. It's just a matter of time. Either tonight, or in a week, a month or years from now.

I'm not sure if Audrey realizes that. She seems to be having fun watching me work out - today we were both in such a joyful mood that I let her try to sit on my back while doing pushups - I even managed to do three before collapsing to the ground, where both ended up laughing.
No, she doesn't realize in what danger she is. She can't. Otherwise she'd not lie here in my arms now, looking happy like she does.

It's time to get up, I quietly tell her, we could go for a walk.

She slightly nods her head yes, but grabs my shirt and keeps lying there.

Looks like I'll have to carry you. I grab her her by her shoulders and underneath her knees to lift her up, that's when she finally opens her eyes and starts laughing.

We have our usual stroll through the gardens, walking arm in arm. During the past days, we really got close. But there is a border somewhere, that nobody dares to cross. We're sleeping in a bed. We're walking arm in arm. She snuggles up to me and I try to keep her close as often as I can. But not more. Not one kiss, not even a tiny one. We've kept our clothes on, all the time. We have our reasons, that's sad but true. If she can't even speak with me, how should she handle all the other things that she'd inevitably see? No chance. I can't get closer.
Maybe even Mark is a reason for her not to get closer to me. Maybe she misses him and just can't tell me that she does. After all, she got ripped out of a well-running relationship when the London attacks went down.

I don't even want to ask her - because I'm not sure if I could handle an answer like that... or does she even remember that guy?

She's walking right next to me but at some moments, all the thoughts that haunt me make it feel like she's lightyears away. She's married. We're both haunted by the most powerful institutions on this planet. CIA. White House. The Chinese. The Russians. I'm not sure how many more are on my personal list. Must be half the world.

We're doomed, damn it we are. I can't let this show.

If I only knew what's going on inside her head. During the past days, she smiled and laughed so often that there's a real possibility that she forgot everything else. Would be good for her, for now - but I can't hide the real world from her forever. It is waiting, behind these doors, behind these walls, and in just a few weeks time, we need to leave from here. We can't stay here indefinitely.

We're not even done yet with our usual stroll through the garden, when Yokhana comes rushing towards us, a phone in her hands. I see it from far, that this is a phone call, meant for me. That can't be anything good.

A man from Montenegro is on the line. I only talk in yes and no, but even Audrey can immediately spot that something's wrong.

He is the man who has contact with Igor, Belchek's 'uncle'. He always is the middle man between Serbia and here, not to leave too many traces.

He's telling me that my sister wants to speak with me.

That's the code that we agreed on, meaning Chloe wants me to contact her.

Must be something important.