We almost made it.
Two miles before reaching Sabir's house, the first shot came. It was a sniper bullet, scratching over the hood of our car. Audrey probably didn't even realize it, since it wasn't louder than the stones that sometimes got thrown up from the dirty roads. But she realizes now that something is wrong, as I step onto the gas pedal and speed up even more. I shout at her to cover her ears, before I scroll down the window and aimlessly fire back with the machine gun, while driving. I have no illusion of hitting the sniper. I just want him to see the muzzle flames, which will hopefully make him look for some cover, for a few moments.
Moments count. The village – or what is left of it, is already within reach. Once we're between the houses, we're safe from the sniper fire.
One mile. My magazine is empty.
It doesn't take long for the sniper to return. My only chance is to go as fast as I can, hoping that he'll not be able to make a good shot.
Another bullet hits the car, but it's still driving. I didn't feel anything, no windows shattered. I shout at Audrey, if she's okay, but I can't hear her answer. I can bare hear my own words, after the loud volley of shots.
Sabir's men are already waiting. They're now firing back at the other side of the valley, while I race the car to the garage one of the men is pointing at.
Being inside means being safe from the sniper – but in this town, even that is not enough. I hear sirens, so they're expecting an air strike or rockets. New magazine. Take the guns. Audrey.
I rip the back door open and dig through the bulletproof vests under which I buried her. Are you okay? Only shouting helps now. There's the sound of gunfire all around us, and the sirens.
She just looks at me, her eyes opened in horror. She seems okay. I grab her arms and drag her out of the car. One of Sabir's men, who came to welcome me is surprised that I'm accompanied by a woman, but he reacts quickly, pointing at one of the houses on the other side of the street, where already a lot of people were gathering.
I tell him that I'd be right back and drag Audrey with me, more or less pushing her in front of me, to cover her with my body. You gotta wait for me there, I tell her, again and again, hoping that she heard it at least once, before I push her into the crowd of women and children, who are heading through the door and downstairs.
. . .
. . .
. . .
Five hours later, the world doesn't look the same. I helped them unload the car and I was somehow surprised, that they didn't use the stingers and heavy guns that had been in my trunk. Instead, I helped them carry the precious load into a bunker which was even better guarded that the one where their families were.
Sabir told me later, that they had one golden rule: never use the new stuff, it would only show them what you get from which source. On the long run, it makes sense, even though in the short run, it just causes more casualties and more destruction. He's willing to make this decision, that shows me that might be a tough but wise leader.
Our fight wasn't really equal from the beginning. While they shot several rockets, we didn't. Sabir's strategy was to hide and shield us with the minimum amount of curtain fire, until the night broke in. Almost every building in his town had already suffered in the past years, there was nothing worth saving anyway. I guessed that their life mainly took place beneath ground, and in the few barracks which were put up amongst the debris.
While they still kept their firing up, he launched ground troops that yielded backwards to lure them out of their hideaways. We gave them the impression of giving up and running away, only to lure them into our area. It worked.
I didn't even know the name of the guys who I spent the evening with, in the trench, but we were a good team. At least five of these guys died through our hands. It's been a while since I last engaged in fights like this. These men probably do it all the time.
Two of them didn't survive, five others are hurt now. The streets are covered with dozens of dead enemies. Most likely, these guys are mercenaries. They bear no military insignia, only a black uniform and Russian weaponry.
Leaning against the wall of an almost destroyed building, I see how the scene changes. They are searching the dead bodies for ammunition and weapons, and god knows what else, maybe cigarettes or money… I need to catch my breath again. Even though I tried to get better throughout the past weeks, I realize that I'm still in no good shape. If there wasn't this constant ringing in my ears, caused by the gunfire and the adrenaline in my veins, caused by that last kill, I would've probably just fallen asleep because of pure exhaustion.
Instead I'm sitting here, too bushed to move and too pumped to relax.
I haven't killed in… four weeks. What a ridiculously small number of days.
Push that thought aside. Don't start to count again.
The barrel of the AK47 next to me is still hot, I feel the heat radiating from it. When I look at the dead man who's lying over there, my thoughts are just empty. Nothing. I don't care who he was. Hell, I don't even know why they are fighting at all… or why I'm on this side and not on the other.
One of our men approaches me and tells me to come along. My Turkish is too bad and his English too, we can't really talk.
I assume that he's about to take me to Sabir, but instead, he takes me to a door. A woman is already waiting for him, they're talking so fast that I have no idea what they are talking about. She's clearly upset and finally she grabs my arm and pulls me inside, pointing at the stairs down into the basement.
Audrey.
This is about Audrey.
I stand at the upstairs landing, looking down, the machine gun still in my hand.
This feels like a different world. It feels like the world in which I spent the past few hours were not the same world that she's in. Something keeps me from going down the stairs.
The woman still angrily talks to me, as if she didn't realize that I can't even understand what she's saying. She just talks louder and louder, grabs my sleeve and points downstairs.
I slowly start walking, not sure what will await me there.
The bunker is barely lighted by just one small bulb. Three women are crouching in the rear. As the first one sees me, she literally shrieks and pulls her friend along. They hurriedly flee the room, leaving me back with Audrey.
There's a gag in her mouth and her hands are bound to the pipes of a radiator. She's crying, not hysterically but sadly and silently.
Another one comes downstairs, he's trying to tell me in some kind of a bad English that they hadn't wanted to hurt her. She had freaked out when the explosions of the rockets had come closer, they had gagged her and fettered her for her own and everybody else's safety.
I thank him and tell him to leave us alone for a moment. I already expected something like this. These people aren't our enemy, especially after I brought them weapons and risked my life together with them, fighting side by side.
Slowly, I approach her and kneel down. Audrey.
She doesn't react, even though she must have heard me.
Audrey, I say again, this time cupping her cheek with my hand. There's the knot of the gag.
This time she reacts, looking up. When she sees me, she jerks back, almost like the two girls before. I open the gag, knowing that she's over it and that she won't scream again.
What happened to you… she just breathes, staring at me.
I'm taken aback by her answer. Why?
You're bleeding.
For the first time in a while, I look down at myself. My jacket is blood soaked, so are my arms. My hands are red. Wiping over my forehead, the back of my arm comes back red, too.
This ain't mine, I silently tell her. I'm alright. My own hands look disgusting. At her cheek, where I opened up the knot, I left some bloody traces as well.
I stare into her eyes, and she into mine. Can she see the pictures that I'm seeing right now? That guy almost got me. I left my flank open, because I thought that this other guy had it covered. But he was already dead.
I only survived because his first shot missed, hitting the wall right next to my face. The next minutes are only a blur in my memory. We came down fighting, without guns. I guess I got lucky, when his knife dropped to the floor, right in front of my feet.
The thoughts get replaced by emptiness again, the same emptiness I already had when the fight was finally over. Gradually the emptiness is replaced by Audrey's eyes again, it feels like she's looking directly into my soul.
When can we leave this awful place?, she silently asks me.
I feel what she's feeling right now. She brought humanity back into the emptiness in my head, and now I can't shut it out any longer. Even though I don't want to, she breaks my wall, saying this, forcing me to look back, into the emptiness and beyond. Tomorrow morning, I silently answer, and right now I'm glad as well that we only stay here for a few more hours.
The thought of being here for just another minute suddenly becomes unbearable. I lean forward and rest my head at her shoulder. I'm so sorry I brought you here. I try to inhale her scent but instead, there's still the smell of blood. She's breaking my wall, damn it. I shouldn't let that happen, but there's nothing I can do against it. She got to me.