one foot in front of the other

by Aphenphosmphobia

Newt is dead. What if he ended up in his own kind of hell. Darkness, or what he likes to call it. The void. Newt is fighting to escape, and not try to lose his mind in the process. He is slowly forgetting his old life, and has to run from the others in the meanwhile. Will he ever escape the void?

Darkness.

That is all I know.

The darkness that absorbed me every waking moment, not that I ever slept. I did not need it. I did not need anything. All I can remember was the darkness. I did not sleep. I did not eat. I did not live.

Everything I can remember was darkness and hollowness. The hollowness deep inside of me. I can feel it through my whole body. The emptiness in me, where there should be a beating heart. I had a beating heart once. A living body. I had a life once. Or so I thought, I could not remember it, but this can not be it. The void can not be the only thing ever existing. I know that I lived once. I can remember glimpses of my life. I fear forgetting. Every minute it was getting harder to remember what my life used to be. I already forgot the faces of my loved ones. I had a mother, father and a sister. Or was it a brother?

How long have I been in the void? Weeks? Months? Years? Time passes differently here. Every second feels like an eternity. I am scared of the day I will get used to the darkness. Scared I will depend on the heaviness it carries. I am scared that I will become like the others. It feels like I am underwater. Every step I take gets harder, especially if I do not know where I am going. Everything was dark.

And I was so cold.

That was the only thing I could feel. I will give up everything to not feel that coldness anymore. It was a different kind of cold. The one that you can feel in your bones. The one that left your body aching from the shivering. It felt like I was dropped in the deepest part of the ocean, with no way to swim up to the surface. Oh how I crave to go to that surface again. To go up and take the deepest breath, how I missed breathing. How I missed feeling the blood go through my body, the warmness of it. Hell, I even missed feeling pain. I feel so numb now. I could not remember doing any of those things, but I still missed it. It is hard to explain. How can you miss something you do not remember once doing?

One foot in front of the other. repeat. repeat. repeat. I did not know where I was going, but what else was I supposed to do. I do not know what I was looking for. A way out? I know there was no way out of this hell. I am dead. I am certain of that. I do not know why, but the hole in his head was one way to prove I was not a part of the living anymore. A gun shot right through my head. I imagine most people would have felt upset with that thought, but not me. I felt a certain peace with it, like it was the only way out. Would I go back and stop the bullet from ever hitting my head? Yes, because everything is better than the void.

Everytime I feel like I am going insane, I like to check off a list in my head from things I remembered. Everytime I do it the list gets shorter.

My name? Newt….something, I could not remember the rest. I do not even know I want to know with that stupid of a first name.

My family? I had a mother and father. I could remember that I had a sibling. I forgot. I knew this once, I am certain of it.

Where I lived? I can not remember anything from this. If I think hard enough about it I get flashes of a field. It looked peaceful. How I wish to return to that life

Friends? Tommy. That is always a name that pops into my head. Some days it was easier to recall than my own name.

That is when my mind always hits a wall. Like a big obstacle was blocking it. It was somewhere in my mind, but it was slipping away. I was slowly slipping away. I could feel my mind cracking. Slowly breaking. Not much longer and I will lose my mind. I will be like the others. They have all given up. I am so tired. I don't even know why I try anymore. The void feels like a big maze with no way out.

I have made a promise to myself. 10000 steps before I will give up. I will let the void consume me. I will stop walking and let the others take me. I do not know why I am not like the others. In a way I am them, and they are me. They also crave for life, I know it. I had once mistakenly tried to make a light, with an old lighter I had on me. I can still see their hollow faces. I can feel their hands on me. touching me, bruising me, scratching me. I had screamed for days, trying to get them off me. To not let the death they rediated consume me. That is when I knew I was dead. Nothing ever living would have felt that empty. I can not remember how I escaped. It feels like years have passed. Sometimes I can still hear them. Their screams are almost deafening, with the other wise silence. Each time I heard them, they were getting closer. I know I do not have much time left, before they will find me.

I also do not want to know what made the others scream. What could make the dead scared? They had nothing to fear. It could not get worse than this. I always imagine what I did in my life to end up here. It can not be good. I know that the peaceful souls do not go here. It is not possible. Only the damned go here.

I look at my body to remind myself how I look. I could not even remember that. I forgot my own face. I am terrified of the thing I am becoming. How far are you gone when you do not recognize your own face. I look at my body, seeing the tattered clothes. I knew I was not that old. That made me even more upset. I did not spend a lot of time living. I hope I made the most of it those years I did. I hope I lived a loving, peaceful life. But that is the only thing I can do, hope. I know I was probably wrong, seeing how I ended up with a bullet in my head. Maybe I died for something honorable, like a war. I did not feel honorable.

A cold shiver ran over my body. I could feel something looking at me. Not something…. someone. Someone was here in my presence. That is when I felt it. A hand on my shoulder, making me feel more empty inside. I spun around to come face to face with death itself. It was one of the others. It was an old man with a sunken face and little to no clothes on. Before I could react he tackled me to the ground. I let out a scream. He started scratching me, as if he was trying to grab something. As if I had stolen the only thing to make him feel alive. As if I had something that belonged to him. I tried to get away, but it was like his hands were everywhere. I felt his hands everywhere, violating my body even more. I could feel the little life I had inside of me drain, with every touch. I could feel my mind slipping. I could feel my mind letting go. I needed to get out. I gave it my all, it was that or becoming one of them. My leg got free and kicked him off me. I ran.

One foot in front of the other. repeat. repeat. repeat. I could feel the others getting closer. They got a glimpse of the little life inside of me and they craved for more. Like a drug they can not get enough of. They got a little bit and they only want more. I could feel it. The little life inside of me. I could not feel it at first, but now that almost all of it is gone, I could feel the dark pit inside of me growing. I could not keep going. I had to stop. I was so tired. The others were still there, I know they were. I finally stopped and looked around me. I did not know why, everything was still dark. I can not see them. I do not have much time anymore. They were going to get to me. They were going to take the last little bit of life from me. I am dead, why am I not like them. I wish I could be like them. They live in oblivion, they can not feel like I do. They can not remember the life they used to live. They can not think. They can not hurt.

I start walking again. I do not know what else I was supposed to do. I am glad that I escaped, but would it have been that bad to become one of them. I would stop fearing. I would become inhuman. I would live in bliss, not caring, not feeling, not remembering. My old life is over, why would I want to remember it.

Tommy

The name popped into my head. Who was it? Was it my own name? No, that did not feel right. What was my name? What was my own name? I can not remember. I forgot my own name. How can someone forget their own name? I have to remember. It felt like if I forgot my own name, the connection I had to the living world would be gone. I search deep into my mind, hitting walls everytime. It was on the tip of my tongue.

Newt

My name is Newt.

I let my body relax a little. How could I forget my own name? Newt, Newt, Newt, Newt. I was tempted to repeat the name in my head until I would go crazy. That would be better than forgetting your own name. It terrified me that I was that close to becoming one of them. To give up my old life. The silence around me comforted me. Knowing the others were not close enough for me to hear them. I was depending on the silence to be there. It was like a friend, who would warn me when danger was near. Someone who would comfort me, someone who would never leave me. Everywhere I went the silence followed. It was like a guide to nowhere and everywhere at once.

Why did I remember the name Tommy before my own? Who was it? Who was more important in my life than myself? I obviously cared more for them. I reach for my bullet hole in my head. Was it for them? Was it worth it? I hope that this person was worth it. Thinking about Tommy made the coldness go away for a second. A small smile crept across my face. That was the first time I smiled in this place. There was not much to smile about here. I loved someone so much I was willing to die for him. My love was so big I did not even regret it after my death. Even when I could not remember him, I did not regret it. My love for him was immortal.

One foot in front of the other. repeat. repeat. repeat. I took a step forward, when suddenly my foot hit something. I kneel down, squinting my eyes trying to see in the dark. It is one of the others. A body was just laying there, right in front of me. My mind goes blank. I do not know why, but I grab a knife from my pocket. I just want to know. I turn her body. Her blank eyes stare at me. She has the same hollow, sunken expression as everyone else. It feels like I am watching a movie, like I do not control what I was doing. My mind was just focused on one thing. I just want to know. I pressed the knife down her chest, stabbing her with it. Her eyes flew open, but the damage was already done, there was nothing she could do. I drag the knife down to her belly button, making a big opening. I put the knife away in my pocket. I pry open the cut to look inside of her. All I saw was darkness, nothing more. A big black hole. I signed in relief. I was special. I was not like the others.

I look into her eyes again. They were focused on me, I could see pain. But how? The others do not feel pain. She was like the others. She was empty. No, I am imagining things. She can not feel pain. I have misread her. I can not be like the others. I am better than them. I have hope, I can escape this hell. I can go back to my old life. Why can I not remember anything? I could not possibly be like the others. They can not feel. They can not think. I can. I am different. I can escape this maze. I will prove that I am not like the others. I have to prove it to go back. Where do I have to go back to? What was my name again? I have to remember. I am not like them. I will prove it.

I grab the knife again, and look at it. It was a dirty small knife that was slowly turning dull. It belonged to me in my previous life. No, not previous, this life. I have to go back. I point the knife at myself, and stab myself in my chest. I could feel the dull ache. It should have hurt more. I open my chest just like her, just to know. I rip the knife out of my body and throw it away. I did not need it anymore. I looked inside my chest, in a kind of uncomfortable position.

Empty

I was like the others. No, I am one of the others. Inside myself was just darkness, like I was looking in the void itself. I am not going back to my old life. I am dead. I sacrificed myself for Tommy. It annoys me that I still remember his name. I forgot everything, but that little, annoying name keeps popping up in my head. I go lay down, waiting for the others to take me. There is no hope anymore. I will forever suffer in the void, with no way out. It was a mistake of me to assume the void was like a maze. It is just a cage surrounding me, and I was foolish enough to think I could escape. That I was different, that I had the key somehow. I am just like the others. I did not know why, but I got the sudden urge to talk. To challenge the silence, seeing how my friend would respond. I start to call out for Tommy. Maybe an answer would appear. Why his name?

'Hey Tommy, I do not remember you, but god I must have bloody loved you. Even got an extra hole in my head for you. Well I think it is because of you. It feels like we should have been by each other our whole lives. Even now, not knowing a thing about you, it feels like I need to follow you. Like you are part of my destiny. And even though I miss you, not even knowing who you are, I am glad you are not here. That you do not have to go insane, and live here with the unresting dead. I would sacrifice everything to go back, but I would do it all over again to make sure you are safe. I do not know why, but I do not want to disappoint my former self. I am at peace, knowing that you are alive. I hope that you are happy, and will always remember me.' I knew I was not speaking to anyone, but it gave me peace. I imagine Tommy actually hearing the words.

Light

It was almost blinding in the darkness. I stood up, and looked at it. I had not seen light for what felt like years. I almost forgot how it looked. How much I had craved it. What if it was a trap? Like a little fish in the deep dark ocean drawn to the light, only to discover it was an anglerfish, and he was doomed the moment he had swam towards it. I started walking, one foot in front of the other. What could be worse than the void? What could be worse than death? I know I had to hurry up before the others saw the light too. I am so close to the blinding white light, I reach for it.

The light consumes me. And for the first time in ages I felt warmth. I can not express how much I missed the feeling. All my worries just vanished. I can remember Tommy. His smile, his eyes, his hair, everything. I can remember my love for him. Everything I did was worth it. It was worth it for him. I felt calm and at peace. This was the place I belonged. I know it. When I died I imagined this for death to feel like. I know one thing now:

Death was beautiful.