Waking Up
Chapter 1
"So, you love me?" She said as she laid her head on his chest. She had been awake for a while but hadn't spoken. Too afraid to break the happy bubble she was in.
Running her fingers lightly along his bare chest, she waited for his reply, but she knew the answer. He had shown her in so many ways last night. In his actions, in his care, in his need for her.
"Yes." He confirmed with a nod she felt tapping on the top of her head as he did so. Her question hadn't stopped him stroking his hand that held her close over her naked back. "I do."
"How do you know?" She suddenly asked raising herself up onto her arms and looking at him. "In like 'how do you actually know' that you love me?" She still was finding it hard to understand how she had become so lucky.
His breath caught in his throat briefly. Those words had slipped out at the end of their meal together. Their first date, and they had surprised him. Surprised him that he said them out loud so quickly to her, even though he had absolutely meant every single word. They had surprised her too, he saw that, and so he hadn't said them again to her. Too scared that such words frighten her and he'd lose her.
She was beautiful. Her hair fell over her naked shoulders. The morning sunlight shone through and made her face glow. Her lips swollen from their first night, first date together, and he acknowledged guiltily that her chin had a redness to it that came from his stubble. Yet it wasn't just that which made her beautiful, it was something he couldn't quite describe. Her smile maybe, her laugh her eyes. Or the way she cared, or the way she thought of others first. They were all the things that had made him fall, very quickly, in love with Molly Dawes.
He raised his head slightly wondering how anyone could not be in love with Molly Dawes.
"I mean. Why?" She asked totally confused. "Why me?"
"Seriously Molly?" Charles moved to sit up. "You must know?" And he pulled her into his body once more and tried to show her.
The walk of shame she made later that morning had never felt so good. Or in her case the train ride home of shame. Their first date, and inevitably the first night together, a wonderful night but once the morning came, she knew she had to face reality and to go home.
He nodded when she had said this. When she had told him. He didn't try to stop her. Charles understood the realities of it all, and as the gentleman he was he went with her in the taxi to the train station.
There was no sad goodbye, no further declarations of his love for her. He pulled her in and kissed her; a beautiful goodbye, and then he turned and was gone.
Her journey home was slow and because of the numerous stops the Sunday service made it gave her too much time to think. To think about their night. To think about all he had done. All he had said. All that he hadn't said.
Whatever happened between them now, after last night, she had no regrets. Not one. And for Molly that was very much a first, and she liked it.
Her eyes were heavy and gritty from both lack of sleep and from proper makeup remover. Her clothes were crumpled and even though she had showered, for some inexplicable reason, she still smelled of him, and his hold on her. Slowly peacefully jogged along by the motion of the train her eyes closed.
She didn't know how long she had slept. She just knew she had
and was getting closer to home. She picked up her phone and waiting for her was a message. From him. She smiled as she read it.
Last night Molly was...incredible. Thank you. Cx
She couldn't stop grinning.
Yeah it was…Perfect. Thank you. Mx
Thought you didn't do perfect Dawes? Cx
She laughed out loud, gaining a few odd looks from her fellow travelers.
Seems as though I was wrong there now doesn't it! Mx
It certainly does. Cx
She waited for more. Wanted more. This was his game of cat and mouse, for now. He was in control.
Watched the three dots on the bubble appear and then disappointedly she watched them disappear.
She had expected something from him. Something more. Wanted something more!
She'd expected it as she had gotten herself ready that morning, and then in the car drive to the station, but he said very little. He remained silent. There had been no more declarations.
And now his texts were equally as mute on the matter. She had expected more, but there wasn't any more, and she bit back a tear of disappointed.
There was only mild curiosity when she returned home after a night away. Her Dad not overly bothered about her comings and goings now. And her Mum too afraid to ask. Too afraid to know.
She therefore slipped into her bedroom almost unnoticed. Irritated by the noise and arguing downstairs. Feeling sad as she lay there. Waiting.
You ok? Cx
The text startled her. It had fallen dark. She had been home for hours but still hadn't moved from her bed.
Yes! She instantly replied. Why wouldn't I be? Mx
You never texted to say you were home. I was worried. Cx
I'm a big girl now. She replied back but the grin on her face said it all.
So? He messaged instantly.
So? She teased him back.
I was wondering...if you're free... we could meet up again. Sometime. If you want to? Cx
She could feel his awkwardness coming through on his texts. His unnecessary uncertainty of their situation. How he still didn't really know how she felt about him. She loved him. She had just never said.
She considered her reply, but he continued the conversation on.
I've a rehab session at the end of next week. Maybe we could meet up after that? Cx
Next week? Yeah. That would be nice. Very nice. Mx
But this time she didn't wait for his reply.
She had things to say to him. Things that maybe she should have already said. She had nearly lost him once before. She wasn't going to let that happen again.
She dialed his number without a moment's hesitation.
"Maybe we could meet up sooner?" She said as soon as he picked the phone up. Not even giving him the chance to say hello. She didn't even give him a chance to reply, she just continued. "It's just after six months of seeing each other every day, and after last night...well I guess I might gonna miss you."
He laughed at that. And even though they were hundreds of miles away she could still see his face, happy as he did so. A face she had memorised over six long hard months. A face she knew so well.
"I know what you mean Molly." He said happily. Then quieter he added. "I'm free tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow!" She grinned. "Yes. Tomorrow. I could come back to you. I guess it's easier and that."
"Perfect." He nodded. "Molly? Thank you."
"You're welcome." She paused. "I could..." She stopped herself completely now though.
"Out with it" He laughed, although secretly he was worried.
"I could stay a few nights too; you know if you want me to?" Now the boldness she once had left her as she heard the sharp intake of his breath. Worried she has pushed too hard.
"I'd like nothing more." He replied, and even though he hadn't made her wait for his answer it still seemed like a lifetime for her. So, she appreciated the happy chuckle he also gave.
The train rattled into the station. She slowly left; well aware she was being stared at.
Her tears had not stopped all the way.
The general public very concerned at a crying soldier in full uniform, and unsettled. They had all watched her like a hawk, but none had dared to come close enough. Molly felt the relief in the carriage as they watched her get off at the station.
This was only the third time she had been to Bath, but still she made her way across the station and city with a good sense of direction.
The first time she had been to the city was for their very first date. She had been nervous and so unsure she had been doing the right thing.
The second time she had arrived at the station, was less than two days after that wonderful date which had ended in his bed and arms, she had been excited. Happy. He met her with such joy, and both held on to each other as though they would never let go.
And so now, the third time; the hardest of all. She felt numb and so very scared. This was the hardest visit of all. No one met her, and there was no happiness in her heart anymore.
They had hope for such plans. All those other times they had seen a new life before then. A happiness of being with each other. They had started to make promises, started to build up dreams and then it all went wrong.
They had some time apart, planned but still hard to bear. Each naively thinking it was only temporary. They both needed the time to catch up with others that were important in their lives. To move forward now they had returned, and that just what they did.
But then Smurf came, and then sadly Smurf left.
Left her forever, left them forever, and that's when they started to fall apart.
His funeral today was hard. Saying goodbye to her mate. Her best friend for a while, and goodbye to who knows what their future would have held. But today she had to stand there and watch as his friends and family grieved for him, and it was hard.
Yet still it was harder to watch Charles. Watch how he suffered. How he blamed himself for something he could never have stopped happening. The hurt and pain was etched on his handsome face.
They had spoken briefly after Smurf's funeral; she felt his pain. Then she hurt him more, she knew that when she had told him of her plans. His face briefly, ever so briefly, gave him away, and then he tried unsuccessful to grin and accepted it all.
He never tried to stop or discourage. She saw he felt it was his punishment. He never begged her to stay. He just wished her well and gave her his understanding.
And that was what she had wanted. For him to understand.
That this tour was what she needed. She knew he saw that too.
So, he just turned away from her, and then they said goodbye. He walked away from her and every step he took she felt the loss. The loss of yet another friend even more keenly so.
She grieved for Smurf.
Always would, but she knew she also needed to get on with her life. The life she had fought so hard to make for herself. The one Charles had told her she would be brilliant at. She owed it to them both.
And so that was why she found herself on a train that had taken her from the sadness of Wales to the uncertainty of Bath. Her final stop.
There was no immediate answer on the door as she knocked, and she wondered if she had got it all wrong.
Still, she waited. She couldn't leave without seeing him. At least once more.
Eventually the door opened, a tall, elderly man opened it. His resemblance to Charles made her brave. This could only be his father and she said her piece.
He nodded; as an ex-military man himself he knew what his son needed. As a loving father he understood that too, and maybe this brave soldier standing in front of him asking to see Charles was the answer.
"You didn't stay long." She sat next to him on the garden wall his father had directed her to. The evening was warm, and the birds sang their evening song. It felt wrong.
He still wore his uniform, though he had loosened the jacket and had kicked off his shoes. A cup of cold coffee sat by his side.
"Didn't think I was too welcome." He sadly smiled but didn't turn to face her. If he was surprised, she was there he didn't let on. "Doubt I was missed."
"I missed you." She offered, but all he did was shake his head.
"So, Dawes! You're off on tour again?" He tried to keep it light.
"Yeah. I just needed to."
He stopped her and touched her knee briefly, "I understand."
As he turned to look at her, she saw the pain and hurt on his face. Cursing herself that she had been too caught up in her own grief to see his. Since Smurf's death they hadn't seen one another. The funeral today was the first time in nearly three weeks.
He'd called her. He tried to call a lot once he had heard. He'd texted her too, but there were times when she just wasn't able to talk to him. When she just couldn't.
When her heart was just too full. Just too selfish to deal with Charles' guilt as well as her own.
Now looking at him she knew she had been wrong to do so. That maybe she had turned away from him just when he needed her the most. His eyes held the same sadness she had seen as he lay in his hospital bed, and he once again had blamed himself for everything that had happened.
"Charles. I..." He didn't let her finish.
"When do you go?" He asked instead. Voice quiet and low.
"Next week." She looked at her hands and felt him move ever so slightly away from her. It was only centimeters, but to her it felt huge.
"So soon?"
"Yeah, I offered." She shrugged. "Sooner I go then the better. It means…"
"I know what it means Molly." He said quietly. Facing the reality of it all. He loved her but she had never, not once, told him she loved him back. And now she was leaving. She was young, he was broken. Why would she stay? She had better things ahead in her life. Better things than him.
"I hope it's for the best." He sadly added.
"I need to do this. You know, that right?" She almost pleaded with him.
"Yes, I do understand. Really Dawes I do."
His use of her surname stilled her. He'd used it so little of late. He had become stiff and serious. That was not what she wanted.
"What about you?" She sadly asked. "What now?"
He still had the limp. Still had the boot for long periods on his feet but he was getting better.
"Get this sorted." He looked disdainfully at his injured leg. "Get back into it." He looked at her and she held his gaze. "The Army. It's all I've ever wanted." He admitted.
She stayed silent wanting to hear more. Expecting more.
"And?" She asked. She wasn't going to let this be easy for either of them.
He looked at her blankly. "And what?"
"You once said it was all you ever wanted... the Army...until you met me." She bleated out. Hopeful.
He shook his head.
"It's not fair. It's not right. Beside that was before all this." He waved his hand between their two uniformed bodies. "Before us. Before..."
She stood and walked a little way in front of him. "Before all this? You mean Smurf? Right?" She turned and looked to see him nod.
"Did you love him?" He asked suddenly.
"He was Smurf." She shrugged. "Everyone loved him."
He nodded at the truth of her words.
"Yeah! I did love him. He was my mate." She brushed a tear angrily away from her face. "Bloody hated him at times too though. And now he's gone and died, hasn't he?"
Charles just nodded.
"So yeah. I guess I'll always love him." She sighed. Unsure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Charles stood, in charge, as though he was signaling that their conversation was over. He started to move.
She didn't move though. She wasn't on duty. He wasn't her boss at that moment in time. He didn't call the shots.
"Take care Molly." He tried to turn. But she stopped him with a sharp question.
"So, is it still all you've ever wanted Charles? The Army. Or do you still want me?"
"Molly." He said unsure how to move forward. "You're leaving next week. You asked to leave earlier than planned. That says something. You chose to leave rather than stay."
"You are a stupid arse at times Charles James." She laughed out in anger and disbelief. How could he not know? "I'm going sooner so I can come home sooner. To you. If you still want me."
"Molly." He turned to face her. "Don't. Don't do this out of pity. Or because you think you have to in an attempt to save me."
"Do you?" She asked.
"Do I what?" He replied shaking this head.
"Still want me to be that last thing you see? Am I all you have ever wanted? Do you love me?" She held his gaze.
"Yes." He nodded vigorously. "To all three."
She stepped forwards towards his shaking form.
"I love you Charles. And me taking this tour ain't a sign I don't. It's me knowing I need this to finish off that journey you said I was on. To sort things out in me head. So that when I come back, and I will, I'll come back to you. To us. To our lives together."
He held her in his arms.
"You love me?" He asked. Smiling down at her.
"Course I bleeding do you prannet" She nodded furiously. "I'm all yours, only yours if you still want me?"
Tears were now slowly moving down her face and the odd one was escaping from his eyes too.
"Oh Molly, you're all I want. I'll want you forever. You're my everything."
"Well then. That's good to know." She beamed right back at him.
Content for now just to be held by him, because now he knew, now she knew they had all the time on the world and the rest of their lives together.