Waking Up
Chapter 3
He was running again.
This time he was running with complete and utter regret. Each time his foot slammed on the ground he wondered how he could have been so stupid. How in such a short space of time he had messed it all up.
This perfect thing he had starting with Molly had suddenly turned sour.
He focused on his pace. His rhythm. His breathing. Focused on getting better. Trying to be a better person in so many ways. Each stride made him try to forget the past hour.
He had been so angry when he had heard. So very angry and scared. He had never expected her to do anything like that. Not to him. Not to them.
Now he could only look back at it all with regret. With sadness, and worst of all, with uncertainty.
It all had been going so well. Better than he had dared to hope. Their letters, their weekly Skype calls. They were everything to him. To them. She had laughed, he laughed, at the stories and news they shared. Both telling each other about their weeks. Their thoughts, their fears. It was a pattern they had fallen into. It was something they enjoyed, needed and looked forward to, and so that was what they did now each week.
It felt good to talk. He'd always enjoyed that about her. The ease they had around one another. How she took him for what he really was, what he wanted to give. He knew he didn't have to pretend for her, like maybe he did with others. She loved him as he was.
While their calls were always good, lately they had become a whole lot better. She was coming home and so they had started to firm up their plans. There was now finally lots of happy excited talk.
Happy was the day she bravely told him that she had finalised a few weeks leave once the tour was over. And just as bravely he told her he was taking time off, that time, to be with her during it.
They both smiled at this agreement and excitedly talked more. They both knew that after a few days of Molly seeing her family, that all they would want to do was to be together. To rediscover what had been interrupted by this tour. So, plans were made and expectations were raised. Hopes and possibilities had filled their hearts once again.
He watched her closely as she spoke. He always did. He knew the Molly Dawes from tour and knew the Molly Dawes from now. They were the same. Old habits die hard, and this time as he watched her he knew she had something to say. He saw the characteristic way she fiddled with her hair and played with the fingers on her hand. Her lower lipped unforgivably chewed, but still he had waited for her to speak. Knowing she would tell him eventually. Accepting that it wasn't his place to rush her.
"I got something to say." She began strongly as she looked at the screen.
He smiled at her. He was sure that there couldn't be anything that she had to say that he wouldn't want to hear, but then very quickly he realised something was wrong. Her eyes dodged contact with him. Turning away from his penetrating gaze.
She didn't let him reply. She continued.
"I went to see Bashira." She blurted out. Then remained silent.
He went to laugh thinking at first it was joke. A cruel pointless one. Then immediately realised it wasn't. He saw the seriousness to her face. He went cold. He couldn't believe the words as they hit his ears. He couldn't comprehend what she had meant by what she had said. He couldn't appreciate anything for a moment or too. Stilled in shock.
"What do you mean you went to see Bashira?" He asked after moments. Hoping he'd misheard, praying he had.
"We found her. Well, Quaseem found her. He told me where she was and that."
Molly watched and waited. Then she knew that what she had feared was about to happen. She had seen him turn from friendly to nuclear before. But that was before them, before they became us, and she had hoped it would be different. Those hopes though now seemed to be in vain.
Charles sat up straight on his bed staring directly into the screen.
"I just." He shook his head and closed his eyes. Pinching the bridge of his nose as though the pain was coming from there. She watch him taking in a slow deep calming breath. "Just start from the beginning will you Dawes?" He asked.
If he had his eyes open he would have seen her start. His request was steely. He would have seen her eyes open in shock as he addressed her in such a formal way using her surname coldly. And if he had opened his eyes at that moment he would have stopped it all going wrong. But he didn't. Instead, he waited as he would when addressing her as a colleague, as one he commanded, rather than his girlfriend. The woman he loved.
She braved herself and began. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction. She had grown. She had become her own person and would cow down to a man no more. So, she therefore began to explain. Explained how she had asked Quaseem to look out for Bashira. To find her. To make sure she was safe.
Still, he didn't speak, but his eyes were open at least. He just nodded his head briefly to encourage her to continue. She did as he commanded. Reluctantly so.
She explained how, after weeks of looking they had found her. Found the school she had been sent to, and how together they secretly went to visit. All on their own, all with out telling anybody, all without any security or permission.
As she spoke, as she admitted what they had done she knew it sounded bad. It was the first time she had really reflected on her actions. The first time she had admitted to them. Even to her own ears now they sounded just not right and watching Charles' reaction she quickly appreciated that something wasn't right. But she also knew that, in her heart of hearts what she had done wasn't something that was wrong either.
Even since the day she had watched her leave on the truck to take her to safety, Molly knew she had owed something to this little girl. Knew that their story wasn't finished, and that she needed to meet her, just the once and apologise. Unsure herself what exactly for, but she just knew she needed to see her, to see she was safe, so when she was presented with the chance she took it.
The time passed on their Skype call, and so when she finished explaining she just waited. Waited as she had become increasingly aware as she had spoken the seriousness of his gaze building up on his face.
Finally, he spoke.
"You did what?" He said slowly. "Tell me that what you have just said is all made up. Some type of stupid joke."
"No, it ain't." She said quietly. Thinking hard as her eyebrows knitted together in worry.
"I have never heard anything so bloody reckless and stupid in all my life Dawes. Just what the fuck do you think you were doing?" His voice was raised, and it was a sign he was angry. The sharpness of it cut through the distance, and Molly now was in no doubt as to how angry he was.
His tone. His manner annoyed her. She snapped back. She didn't need to be spoken to like that by him. Not now.
"It wasn't stupid. And stop shouting at me. It's something I needed to do. You of all people should know that. About getting it sorted." She drew a breath but didn't let him continue. Now she too was angry. "I thought you would understand...that's the only reason I told you."
"Understand Molly! How the fuck am I meant to understand? You're thousands of miles away...you've put yourself in danger...you've been stupid to the point of mis-comprehension. How do you expect me to understand?"
"Yeah I do. Expect it." She lowered her voice a little bit realising that she was loud and Charles even louder. She didn't want to give the rest of the camp a show. "Didn't want to give everybody a seizure, so I've only told you. I honestly expected you of all people to understand Charles." She ended sadly and disappointed.
"Well, I can't. I bloody don't. " He bit back, now looking back at her, his hands running through his hair, worried and frustrated.
"You can't?" She asked incredulously. "What do you mean you can't?"
"What I say." He said loudly and mockingly. "I mean you've done some bloody stupid things before in your life Molly but this takes the fucking biscuit!"
He saw her shocked face, and the determined hardness set on her face.
And then she was gone.
He couldn't believe it. He checked the connection on his computer to work out why. Then it quickly dawned on him that it wasn't that they had lost connection due to some technicality; they lost it because she had terminated the call. She had disconnected on him. That they had lost connection because of his own stupidity.
That their one and only weekly twenty minutes chat with each other was ended abruptly. And it was Molly was the one to end it.
He was beyond angry with her, and now with himself he didn't know what to do. And so he grabbed his running gear almost immediately and headed out. Knowing her stubbornness meant that there was zero chance of her calling him back.
He ran, pounding the pavement and hoping that every single slap of his foot took away a little of the anger he was feeling. Anger at her, but mainly anger at himself for being the stupid one.
He very quickly realised just what he had done. And once he had that realisation he completely understood how he had messed it all up. She had placed her trust in him, she had struggled with trust before, and he had thrown that back in her face.
Molly didn't deserve to be shouted at for what she had chosen to do. Molly didn't deserve his anger.
True, and he would never change his mind on this, it had been something incredibly stupid to do, but also something incredibly brave. It had been something so typically Molly, and she had shared that with him. Just him. She had made him a partner in her secret, and all he had done was to get angry about it. To shout at her. Rather than listen and ask her not to do anything like that again. To let her know that all he wanted was to keep her safe, and he felt powerless to do that when he wasn't there with her.
He didn't want her not to share him. He didn't want to be that person in her life that shouted at her. He just wanted her, and now he was unsure if he'd just lost her.
He hated how little control he had over all this. Knowing all he could do for now was to wait. Run a bit more, and wait, and hope, that she'd forgive him. Quickly.
"I'm sorry." She knew they would be the first words he'd utter when they connected on Skype the following week. "I'm so sorry Molly."
She sighed and gave a weak smile. It had been a long week.
A whole week since they had last spoken, but still the feelings of sadness and anger, on either side still hadn't truly gone.
She still couldn't completely forget. She knew the reality of it was she was sadder now than angry. Sad of his reaction to her confession. Yet still as the days had passed she had wanted to keep hold of her anger too. To show him how she felt. To make him realise, but as soon as she heard his broken voice, saw his ashamed and pleading face she knew she couldn't. Instead, it was her love for him that consumed her more than anything.
"I know." And just like that she forgave him.
She knew she would. She understood why she had, but now she was uncertain as to how to start back. Back to them. Uncertain how lovers return after such an argument. She'd never experienced it before, but she knew she needed to and wanted to.
She always had intended to call him the following week, and always intended to write. To explain, but he had beaten her to it. Hours after their Skype argument he had e mailed her. Sent her electronic bluies. Lots of them, so the letters he had sent since that shouting day had made it easier to do so.
From the first moment she had received the first electronic letter, hope boomed. Others followed, and there had been so many since.
Some of the letters were his words, but most were words of others. Her electronic pages were filled with beautiful words. Not always his, but often of his emotional safety net, Dylan Thomas, and were the love letters the poet had written to his wife.
Molly now possessed a mailbox full of beautiful words, literary works of art that Charles had used to show Molly how he too felt about her. Words a better man was able to express with the pen.
She'd never experienced anything like that before. She'd never received anything like that before. She got lost in the words and sentiments. Never knowing anyone could write something so beautiful. Finding herself enveloped and moved once again by the words of a man Charles fell back on to explain how he felt.
It was something special, and she felt loved and she knew his contrition was real.
She therefore forgave him. It was that simple. She didn't have a choice; her heart overriding her mind on this. Her memory overruling her stubbornness, and so forgiveness for how came quickly and ever so easy.
"I didn't mean to shout." He said with total sincerity and it broke her heart to watch him. His eyes wide with shame and worry. "I was just so scared." He finished off quietly. "What if something..."
He didn't need to finish. He didn't need to admit his greatest fear. She knew what he was going to say. She knew how he felt. She would have felt the same. She understood and that was why she partly hadn't told her parents. Had chosen only to tell him, as she had hoped he'd understand. The only one of a few that would. Yet he hadn't. Not at first, but she knew he would. Eventually.
"I'm sorry too." She copied him and looked equally ashamed as he. "It was just something I had to do. And I did. It's done."
"One more week Molly." He said. "One more week. Please stay safe. Come back to me. Don't do anything like that again. Please."
"I will. I promise." And she smiled, sealing the deal. He nodded at her and she knew they had reached some sort of understanding.
"I couldn't." His voice broke slightly and he cleared his throat. His posture stiffening as she watched him. "Just couldn't..."
She nodded knowing all he had been through. All she had seen. One just couldn't dwell too much on the what ifs anymore.
"So only a few days left?" He changed the subject quickly. "You excited to come home?"
"God yes! Reckon I've done my bit out here now." Pleased they were now on safer ground. "Time to let some other bugger suffer the heat and dust." She acknowledged and watched as a huge smile of relief passed across his face.
"Good." The joy in his voice could not be hidden.
"Plus looking forward to some R and R. Me own pit. Seeing my family and that. All that time to me self. " She rambled on not really thinking.
"Bet you are." She watched on the screen as he looked around his room for some imaginary inspiration. He looked unsure again. "So maybe we'll get the chance to see each other for a day or so? If you have time."
She went to speak but he continued.
"I know you'll be busy. Settling back in. Seeing friends and stuff. Then there's your new posting. Life will be a bit crazy for a while. I know you'll probably be too busy. I know I am. Life moving fast for me again too. But I should be able to spare a bit of time to meet up... if we can." Now it was his turn to rattle on.
She listened and her heart sank. His words made her sad and she wondered what to say.
Before she had left, before they had argued about Bashira, before today, she had thought they had firm plans to spend almost all of her leave with him. Now she was hearing excuses from him as to why that couldn't happen. She heard he was offering them an out. She heard... doubt.
"Oh. Well. Yeah. Right. I'll be busy. Course. You're right." She meekly admitted. But inside wanted to scream that she'd never be too busy for him. Never. But she didn't.
"Right." He said in a clipped tone. Again, trying to sound neutral and not show the hurt the way her reply had made him feel. "I understand." He appreciated that maybe he had messed it all up despite her saying she understood.
"So, I'll let you know?" She asked hopefully he'd grab her offer and sort all this confusion out. But he didn't. "When I'm free?"
"Of course. Please do." He said very formally. "No pressure...I know what it's like when you come home. Everyone and his aunt wants some of your time. I guess you'll be busy. We'll catch up when you can. "
To her disappointed ears it sounded as though he was dismissing them. As though her repeated acts of defiance had finally turned him off her. As though her disobedience had opened his eyes to how wrong they were.
He had said he loved her but maybe now, maybe this distance had made him realise that he didn't. Hadn't. That it was just a crush. Maybe by Molly coming out on this tour she had messed up the one good thing she had in her life. Maybe she had lost him or maybe he was never hers to lose? She felt confused and full of her old doubt when it came to affairs of the heart.
"So." He began. Too scared to ask what she really meant. He knew there was something different about them now. She hadn't challenged him or told him that she wanted more than just to meet up on her return. "Last few days then!"
"Last few days." She said sadly. She had been counting down the days to her return. To see him. And now that wasn't happening as planned it all seemed pointless.
For the first time since they had began they both found they had little left to say. Both unsure if the other wanted what they previously had declared they had. This Skype call there were no words of love. No declarations beyond politeness. It was polite but sterile so they ended the call. Ended their misery.
Both half heartedly promising to write and speak soon, both sensing the change and realising that something between them had shifted.
Shifted a million miles away from the happy place they had want to be in.