As the last few minutes of the school day wind down, Himawari wonders to herself if every day will be this hard. Every glance from Sakurako seemed terrified, as if Himawari was some monstrous bully haunting her every step. A monster...a mean selfish booby monster who finally put her foot down, how dare I? She clenches her jaw tight as the bell rings, signaling the end of the day. There's a dull ache in her mouth from a day spent frowning and grinding her teeth in irritation.
Even when she's not saying a single thing, she still bothers me so much. I know she can be annoying but...her face softens as she looks down at her desk for a moment, halfway standing up, her bagstrap sliding down her arm and catching on her wrist. She hitches it up and stands, turning the long-way around to minimize the time Sakurako spends in her field of vision, and begins heading out.
Do I...do I actually hate her? She sees Sakurako slowly stand out of the corner of her eye and walks a bit faster. Outside the classroom, she tries to think about Sakurako, pulling up an image of her in her mind. I feel...angry. What else? She thinks back to them walking to school together, doing homework, going on the 'trip' to the park, going on the pretend Christmas date...
Her heart starts beating faster, a grimace spreading on her face. What is this? Anger, and...more anger?
Is this all?
She remembers handing Sakurako the chocolates she had made for her after school, the time Sakurako had fallen asleep on Himawari's shoulder after their park adventure, the time Himawari had been stuck in muck after falling down a hill and Sakurako had held her hand out, saying she wasn't going to leave her behind...
She remembers the way Sakurako had been crying as she told Himawari that she wanted to hit her for spending so much time with Chinatsu, though Sakurako didn't know why she felt that way...
She remembers the time Sakurako had shoved an onigiri into her mouth, reprimanding her for worrying Kaede as she starved herself to lose weight...
Her mind drifts to a seashell she keeps on her desk, a dim grey memory from her childhood...
Before she realizes, she's already at the shoe lockers, a vast, empty ache in her chest. She remembers the night Sakurako had shown up, needing a place to sleep, and Himawari had begrudgingly offered her place as an option. Sakurako had, of course, thrashed about in her sleep, but there was that moment...
No. Himawari switches her shoes, a flare of anger rising up in her. No, that was nothing. I was tired, and she didn't even say anything about it. I got such terrible sleep that night with how badly she was thrashing about anyway.
But then, why won't I just think about it? She pauses, her shoes switched out. She stands and takes a few halting steps to the door before taking a deep breath. Ok...our pinkies touched, and we moved them a bit. Maybe...maybe we held pinkies. And?
Her heart skips a beat but she shakes her head and scoffs, walking out the door. What's the point? She walks down the steps to the school gates and turns towards the path home before pausing. Oh no...She turns around but doesn't see Sakurako yet. Makes sense, she's been trying so hard to avoid me all day, but are we going to have to walk home on the same path? Do we have to be on opposite sides of the street, like this morning? She thinks back to the look on Sakurako's face when she had turned around in her seat first thing in the morning, the brief smugness on her face melting into the same face she had made as she...
Himawari's lip quivers for a second. The same face she made right as she started to cry. I don't... I don't want to see that face again.
She looks up the street, wondering for a moment. If I go up that street a few blocks then start heading over that way, I can get home pretty easily. It's a longer route but...maybe, at least for now, it'll be easier.
She sighs and starts heading up the street of her alternate route when a flash of blonde hair wooshes by on her right. Sakurako stops a short ways in front of Himawari, still facing away.
"Himawari...you go the normal way," Sakurako says in a wavering voice. Himawari stands stiff for a few seconds, her mind trying to process what she was hearing. The normal...?
"What are you-"
"You were going this way to..." Sakurako starts, her voice raising at first but suddenly cracking apart. Sakurako wipes her face with her sleeve and, trembling, continues. "You...don't have to, I'll go this way and you can go the normal way. That way, you..."
"How-?" Himawari starts, but Sakurako cuts her off again.
"You're bad at..." Sakurako's voice raises again but she stops, a chill seeming to go through her body. She turns around, her face shaking, little tear lines running down her cheeks. "It's ok, I'll go this way. You won't have to see me if I go this way." She turns around swiftly and starts sprinting off down the street before Himawari can say anything back.
"She..." Himawari stares after Sakurako, watching her as she rounds a corner at a breakneck pace, vanishing from view. Himawari stares at the spot Sakurako last was for a few seconds, the storm of Sakurako's bright-blonde hair flashing in the sunlight as she dime-turned the corner lingering in Himawari's mind. She blinks and looks down to the ground in front of her, stock-still for a few moments. She knew I was trying to avoid her. And so she...
Himawari watches her shoes for a time, her mind filled with half-formed images of Sakurako, always fading into dim, aching smoke before half-forming again. Her shoes start to move forwards, one step at a time as if possessed by some anxious spirit, and she's dimly aware that she's heading home.
After a lifetime or twenty minutes she arrives at her front door, unlocking and opening it as a corner of her mouth turns up in a feeble fraction of a smile.
"Onee-chan!" Kaede's soft, sweet shimmer of a voice calls up merrily to Himawari as she steps into the entryway and starts taking her shoes off. "Welcome home!"
"I'm here...finally," Himawari's whole body seems to deflate. She bends down as Kaede reaches her itty-bitty hands up, taking them in hers and giving them a gentle squeeze.
"...what's wrong, Onee-chan?" Kaede's eye's fill with worry, her mouth an open little frown.
"I...I had a very long day, is all." Himawari pats Kaede's head and tries to shore up her smile, but Kaede seems unconvinced.
"Did you and Sakurako-onee-chan have a fight?" Kaede asks, her head bobbing slightly under Himawari's hand. Himawari's eyes widen for a second. So even my baby sister knows we fight all the time...
"...sort of. I don't know what to do with her sometimes, and today I think..." She hesitates, remembering her words to Sakurako. That huge, thorny feeling in her chest drops a tic lower and she raises a hand to wipe at a sudden wetness in the corners of her eyes. She looks off to the side, her chin resting on a fist she'd raised to her neckline. "I think I said something mean today, Kaede."
"Something mean?" Kaede tugs at her sister's skirt, the highest place on her clothing she can reach above her socks, and Himawari glances down as Kaede continues. "But...Onee-chan always says mean things to Sakurako-onee-chan." Himawari's mouth opens in shock.
"I...Kaede...?" Himawari says, but Kaede glomps onto her leg.
"It's ok, Onee-chan. Sakurako-onee-chan says things that make Onee-chan mad, and Onee-chan says mean things to her." Kaede looks up at Himawari, a sweet smile under her kind eyes. "But Onee-chan doesn't mean them, and then Onee-chan says she's sorry and Sakurako-onee-chan says she's sorry and then everything's ok!" Kaede hugs Himawari's leg tighter.
Himawari feels her legs wobble and she drops to her knees, hugging Kaede, wanting to squeeze her but holding her gently instead, her breath hitching in her throat as tears start flooding down her cheeks.
"I d-don't..." Himawari sniffles, her cheek against the soft blue fuzziness of Kaede's hair. "D...don't know, K-Kaede...I..." Her throat closes as her head falls back, her body clenching inwards as her resistance finally breaks and her tears start in earnest, her throat opening up into a long, cracking whimper.