Waking up
Chapter 10
"Does he do that often?" Molly's Nan asked as she leaned across the table. "Boss you about and that?"
"What?" Molly looked back at her Nan; her eyes had been happily following Charles at the counter paying for their drinks. Honestly and unashamedly admitting to herself that she had been perving on his rather perfect arse.
"He's always telling you what to do Mols. Taking over. That's the third or fourth time today I've seen him do that!" She pointed her finger at Charles as he ordered cakes to take away. "Just presuming."
Molly just laughed unsure how to explain to her Nan, and mother, who was nodding her head in agreement, that what Charles was doing wasn't being bossy; but being a gentleman. Caring for them, for her.
They had finally come into the city to meet up with her family. All of them apart from Dave whom Charles had met, not too successfully, once before. The plan was to have a bite to eat and a walk around the sights. A gentle get to know you better exercise for all, and Charles had been attentive and perfect. Opening doors. Helping them all off with their coats. Carrying their bags. Helping them find seats. Paying the bill.
Where he was being gentlemanly, because Belinda and her Nan didn't recognise such traits, they saw it as controlling. They saw it as being bossy when he argued over who was carrying the bags, when he insisted he paid for their meals, when he bought her a dress and he told her she would look perfect in. It wasn't controlling though, it was appropriate attention from one lover to and other, especially when one was attempting to make the best impression to all.
Molly just laughed and shook her head.
"He ain't controlling me." She replied.
"And he calls you Dawes all the time too." Belinda huffed out. "You got a lovely name Mols." True she had a soft spot for her daughter's fella already, but found herself siding, as usual, with her own mother.
"That's me name." Molly tried to explain. "Well it is in me job. It's just habit I guess." She patiently explained. Knowing it was pointless. There were just pieces of her life that she appreciated that her family just wouldn't understand.
"Well all I'm saying girl is you have to be careful there." Her Nan continued.
"What do you mean?" Molly asked, unsure what she was being warned about.
"The way he looks at you." Her Nan warned her.
Molly shook ahead.
"He looks at me just fine." She defended him.
"That's exactly what I mean." Said her Nan. "He looks at you like he wants to eat you."
Molly just started to chuckle.
"Mark my word girl that man wants everything from you." Her Nan continued.
"Nan!" Molly said trying to shut her down. Didn't want to continue the conversation about where this relationship was going. But curiosity took the better of her. "What do you mean?"
"He's in it for the long haul. The way he looks at you. There's no doubt. He wants this. Wouldn't surprise me if he's thinking about popping the question."
Molly stared at her Nan. Embarrassed the conversation was being had, but also unsure how to continue it.
"I've seen it before. My Len used to look at me like that. And I knew that he was the man for me. You mark my words, that fella over there is totally into you; and expects you to marry him." She delivered the statement as though it wasn't good news at all. "Before you know it you'll be sprogged up and up to you neck in nappies."
Molly said no more. She had never considered marriage with Charles. Not seriously any way. Not as though it could actually happen. She had considered a future, a long permanent one, but just hadn't really seriously thought about marriage. She was too caught up in the moment. She was too scared, to unsure, to think what could be around the corner.
Her Nan's thoughts unsettled her.
She was still young. She still had an awful lot to do with her life. She presumed once marriage came, then along came kids. That frightened her more than anything, she might, at a push be ready to marry him, but she certainly wasn't ready to have kids with him. Not yet anyway. She wanted a few more years of being the new and improved Molly Dawes. To prove to the world that she was something. She wanted a few more years of it just being her and Charles, and the occasional benefits of Sam in their lives.
"Right." Charles marched over happily to the ladies. Oblivious to the conversation. Rubbing his hands together with an expectant grin on his face. Towering above them. "So what's next on the agenda?"
The three ladies whipped their heads up as soon as he spoke, clocked his gorgeous smile and internally melted under his adoring gaze.
No more was said.
"Either you've forgotten how to count Dawes." He said as he put her plate of food in front of her. "Or you're becoming a soft touch!"
She grinned but it didn't really spread across all her face, and it made Charles uncomfortable that she hadn't found his comment amusing. He worried slightly. On their return back from the city she had volunteered to put Sam to bed, and he knew she enjoyed it, but he also knew it was her way of avoiding him.
"He wanted three stories tonight." She simply said. "Couldn't really say no."
He chuckled. Trying to keep it light.
"You know what the agreement is? Two stories and then lights out." He reminded her. Wagging a playful finger at her.
"Yeah I know but… don't laugh." She begged as he sat down opposite her at the kitchen table dipping his head in a signal for her to begin eating the evening meal he had prepared. A grin on his face now matched hers. She knew he was only teasing.
In reality he was thrilled. Delighted that his son now enjoyed the company of Molly just as much as he did. It had been over six months since Sam had first met Molly and the relationships between them had significantly improved. They were now like a little band of brothers to be reckoned with. A force sometimes he had to give in to, despite his parenting head telling him that he shouldn't.
They ate in silence. The only noise in the kitchen were the knives and forks hitting the plate. This wasn't like them. Wasn't like her. She usually chatted for England. So he knew something was wrong.
They had just returned from the weekend with her family. It had be chaotic, it had been noisy, and it was very busy, but Sam had loved it. Also in all honesty Charles had as well. So he was at a loss why she was so quiet, so thoughtful.
Still he said nothing though. Only guessing that something must have happened over the weekend that had made her so quiet. From the very moment they had returned back from her parent's flat she had been quiet, withdrawn. Still loving, still kind, but sometimes he looked at her and she seemed to be in a world of her own.
He watched her push the food around the plate. It was nothing fancy. About as exotic as he could get. A simple stir fry he knew she liked, and he knew she usually had an incredible appetite. He tried not to push her though, but he found it difficult. The captain in him always wanting to make sure things were right. The lover in him wanting to see her happy.
"Fancy a beer with that?" He asked and she only murmured a reply.
It was a loose rule that they rarely drank when they had Sam, nor the fact that it was also a school night. Yet tonight he felt that they needed one.
He went to the fridge and as he open the door he heard a large sigh come from Molly. He watched her bite her lip trying to catch it before it had escaped. Yet it had and he'd heard it. Something was wrong. He gently placed the beer down in front of her and squeeze one of her shoulders with his freehand.
"You okay?"
Again she just murdered her assent.
He sat down on the chair opposite again and started to tuck into his evening meal. Hoping that the sight of him enjoying the fair in front of him would spur her on.
He was finished long before her. The food on her plate barely touched, and she'd tried to disguise it, just like Sam did when he was pretending to have eaten more than he had, by shovelling into piles.
"Well at least I enjoyed it." He said as he lifted her plate up and took it to the sink. She at least had the good grace to look guilty.
"Sorry." She said. "Just guess I wasn't hungry." And she started to rise to help him clear the dishes.
He took her squarely by the hand, pulled her to him and planted a kiss on her head.
"Must be sickening for something." He teased again but this time his words didn't raise a smile. Her eyebrows were dipped and pulled forwards together. There was something on her mind.
He took her by the shoulders and spun her around, facing her away from him. Yet it was still gentle and intimate. As she looked to her side and dipped her head she noticed his arms. His arms were bare, as he was dressed only in a t shirt, they still held onto a tan from the summer and past months. They were strong dependable arms, arms that she loved and had considered more than once, and here they were once again holding her all together. Supporting her, and she felt ever so thankful for him, and them in her life. On impulse she pecked a quick kiss to one of his forearms, and although he remained silent she felt his chest swell with happiness and relief at her simple action. She knew it proved to him that although there was something, but that something wasn't insurmountable.
"Go sit down, put your feet up. Watch the TV. I've got these." He kindly offered. Gentle pushing her out of the kitchen door.
She gave no resistance, merely shook her shoulders and went off in the direction that he had pointed her in. Once again following his commands.
It was about 20 minutes later he came into the sitting room. He found the room in semi darkness . The television hadn't even been turned on. Only one table lamp had been bothered, and he found her just sitting there staring into space
"So?" He said as he heavily sat down next to her on the sofa. "You going to tell me what's wrong?"
The directness of the question startled her. She knew it was pointless to even pretend that she didn't have something on her mind. The past nine months of them being a couple, the past 15 months of him knowing her, meant that she couldn't hide from him her emotions anymore. She didn't mind that though. She found it quite exciting that somebody knew her almost as much as she knew herself. That someone cared enough to know her that deeply.
"It ain't nothing really." She said and gave his knee a reassuring squeeze. "Guess it was just something my Nan said."
A slight chill ran through his body. He knew how important Molly's family were to her, and was fearful that the first real weekend that they all spent together as a family, their opinion of him might have caused this change to her mood.
Still he bravely continued.
"So what was that?" He asked.
She brought her left hand to her mouth and started to bite her fingernails. Buying her time, she was thinking about what she was going to say before she actually said it. A new little trick he had noticed she'd learned in the many months they had been together. There was now always a slight delay in her responses when she needed to say something that mattered, something important. For some strange reason he felt proud when he saw her do it, although it was frustrating at a times like this when he wanted her to just talk.
"It's just…" She said. "Something stupid me Nan said, but I can't get it out of my mind." She attempted a smile but it turned out to be more of a grimace.
"Do you think it might help if you talked to me about it?" He asked hoping that that was the right way to phrase the question to open her up.
"You'll think I'm stupid." She said taking her hand off on his knee, pretending to play with some fluff on the sleeve of her arm. "It's nothing really."
He moved a little bit closer onto the settee and stretched his arm out behind her shoulders. Pulling her in for gentle hug, as he placed a comforting kiss on the top of her forehead.
"Now why don't you let me be the judge of that."
She smiled. She knew she had been quiet. She knew she had been a little bit distant since they had returned, but she couldn't help it. She had too much going on in her mind. Yet here he was, not shouting at her, not angry with her, not desperate to get her to speak just being supportive and loving.
"You know I'm bloody lucky to have you?" She said as she grabbed his free hand and pulled it to her lips to kiss. "So bloody lucky."
"Well you're not going to hear any arguments from me on that point." He giggled as he squeezed her tighter to him. Pleased that this time there was a small smile coming from her lips at his words.
She waited a few more moments and then she finally spoke.
"It's just; well Nan said that she thought that you might want to marry me one day. Soon." She rushed the words out, unsure she truly said them, unsure whether or not she should have said them.
"And?" He asked not quite knowing what to say.
"And I know it's a stupid thing for her to say, and I know that's not what you're thinking but…" She didn't finish since she just looked at him expectantly hoping that he would finish the sentence. Hoping that he would either refute the claim that her Nan had made, or confirm it. Unsure though what she wished for.
But he didn't reply.
"Well it's stupid isn't it?" She filled the silence. "I told you…,, you would think it's stupid. I told you that you would think I was crazy."
"Hang on Molly." He took his arm from around her shoulders and leaned forwards. Turning his head to look at her. "What's so stupid about this? Stupid that your Nan saw it? Or stupid to think I'd want to marry you?" He shook his head and turned away studying his slippers and feet.
"All of them I guess. Sorry." She signed out.
"You've got a stop saying that." He said quietly.
There was an atmosphere between them now. She didn't know what to say, knowing that the last words she'd spoken had caused this.
She hadn't expected he'd say anything more on the subject. Expecting it just to be forgotten. Molly was half thinking about turning the television on to change the atmosphere in the room when he suddenly spoke.
"So it's stupid that your Nan thought I'm thinking about it? Wanting to marry you?" He turned to look at her again and saw a look of surprise on her face as he continued. "Because I do. I am I mean eventually I would want to. Don't you?" He asked; his voice was quiet and almost horse. She could see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down in his throat. His hands rubbing up and down on the knees of his jeans. She could tell he was nervous.
"No." She wasn't sure what she was saying no to. She asked. "Well that is do you, have you? I mean do you really? Think about it? And that?"
He turned and looked at her.
"Molly I love you. I've never loved anyone like I love you. So yeah. I do. Sorry if it seems a bit early. Sorry if it feels as though I'm pushing this. But yeah I do think about it, about us being married to each other one day."
She couldn't wipe the surprise of a face.
"Even though you and Rebecca went tits up?" She hadn't expected him to want to marry again and because of that she hadn't really deeply considered it. That's why her Nan's words had taken her by surprise. She'd believed that they were happy just ticking along as they were.
"You can't compare what I had with Rebecca, can't compare to what I have with you." He said sternly. "It's night and day. I thought you knew that?"
She felt ashamed. They'd talked about his first marriage numerous times. She knew that it had been more of a marriage of convenience, due to the unexpected news of Sam's imminent arrival, spurring them into action. It wasn't a love match, it was a match to conform to what society, and his parents, had wanted. She knew he was bitter about the marriage to Rebecca. Disappointed with himself that he hadn't tried harder to make it work, and scared that he'd left himself so vulnerable and open. She knew all that, and that was why she didn't think he would want to do it again.
"Sorry." She said again leaning forwards and shoulder bumping him. Then gently resting her head on his shoulder. It was an uncomfortable position but she needed to be close to him. "I just never thought… well I don't know I just never thought about it properly I guess."
He sighed.
"I know it's a school night." He said standing. "But I think I need another beer….do you?"
She looked at him for some strange reason fighting back the tears.
"Yes please." She said weekly and smiled happily when he stood to go and gently touch her face, gazing lovingly at her. "Don't worry we'll sort this out."
He came back with two beers and they both drunk them quickly using their mouths to do something other than talk, whilst they gathered their thoughts.
"So….." She began knowing that she needed to be the one to start this. "Getting married. Marriage. You've thought about it with me?"
"Yes." He said shaking his head, confused; they sat next to one another but weren't touching. "I mean it's the obvious next step isn't it? Well it is for me."
She nodded her head frantically, as she didn't know how to say the next words in a way that would not hurt him. And so she just blurted them out.
"Just never really thought about it! Hadn't considered it. I mean it's a bit early to be thinking about stuff like that ain't it? I'm mean don't you think I'm too young for all that?"
As the words came tumbling out of her mouth she saw how each and every word and syllable hurt him. He had just opened up, that he had admitted he was thinking about being married to her, and the first words out of her mouth was that she didn't want to. She knew she had to pull this back and had to do quickly.
"It's just I'm not ready to give up being me yet." She said quickly. "It's just I've just become me, and I love the Army and what I do. I don't wanna give that up. I mean I love you; I really love you Charles, you know I really love you, it's just not yet. In a while, maybe a few years. I don't know. I just want to be in the Army little bit longer."
He was horrified by what she had said. Amazed at how scared she sounded about the whole prospect of marrying him. But then a small voice in his head reminded him that this was her first serious relationship, she was still young and he was a divorced man with a kid, all things that were quite frightening.
He had so many things to say to her, but the first thing popped out of his head.
"Who said you have to give up the Army?" He asked completely startled. "What do you mean?"
"Isn't that what you'd want me to do? Me to leave when I marry you, and have kids and that? "
"Molly!" He said looking squarely at her. "Marriage doesn't mean giving up who you are. Giving up who you want to be. You can be all that, just together with someone along the way. With me hopefully."
She just looked at him. Confused .
"Yeah but Rebecca…..?"
He held his hand up.
"Don't even go there. Rebecca chose to be a stay at home mum. To stop working. It wasn't my choice. Hers. Just like it would be yours, ours. Together. Army. Job. Even kids; there is no reason why you can't do it all."
"So you wouldn't want me to give up the Army?"
"I wouldn't want you to give up anything." He said looking squarely at a. "Getting married having kids, being in the Army, you can have it all if you want. Just as long as whatever we do, we do it together, we talk about it, work on it."
She give him a half smile. Feeling however confident in his words.
"Would you expect me to give up the Army?" He asked.
She looked at him slightly horrified. "No." She said with definite certainty. "Whatever made you think that?"
"I guess I don't see why you thought I'd ask it of you, but you wouldn't ask it of me. If you're thinking marriage to me would mean you'd have to give up the Army, well I guess I also thought that might mean that I'd have to do so as well."
"You'd do that?" She asked. Amazed.
He shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't know. Just like I guess you don't know what you'd want to do. I guess it's just a conversation that we have to have. When the time comes."
"And that's what it would be?" She said. "A conversation."
"If a certain question was to be asked, and if the answer was to be yes." He was happy and chuckled at this. "Well yes I would expect a conversation. I wouldn't expect anything less."
"People do that? Do they? Talk about the big stuff. Properly." She nodded, finally understanding that she was an equal partner in this, and gave out a very weak but very definite. "Ok then. Ok."
They sat like that for a while and then suddenly he focused on the silence.
"Anyway Dawes. What makes you think I was going to ask you anyway? Bit previous there aren't you?" He laughed out. "Might just not gonna ask you now!"
At this she could only giggle, and blush. Loved how easily they could sort problems out. How there was no shouting, arguing or threats. Not one single door had been slammed or insult hurled. How he'd listened, but more than that he'd heard her. Really heard her and that felt so good.
He caught sight of her immediately. She looked exhausted but he could see she had a fixed smile on her face trying to pretend she wasn't. She'd been especially attentive to Sam throughout all the journey, making up for lost time.
Today she had returned after 3 months separation from them all. Another tour away with her new section, in some strange hot country, that she went willingly to while he stayed at home. She always tried to be upbeat, tried to be happy, and most of the time she succeeded, but he knew her too well. Watching her walk through the arrivals lounge of Brize, laden down with her kit, he knew this time away had been too much.
As she stood from her a hug to Sam, allowing him to run off play with some of the other soldier's kids they knew, he pulled her into his arms and give her a tight hug. She sighed and melted into him. He felt her breath shudder as though she was holding in a sob.
"That bad?" He asked quietly.
She merely just nodded. "Come on." She said not wanting to start the conversation here.
He willingly accepted her pulling him along by his hand as they marched towards the car. The plan had been for Sam, who had insisted he came too, as Molly was fast becoming one of his favourite people in the world, to have lunch with them. For him to have some time with Molly, then for him to be dropped back home, and Charles and Molly finally would have some time together.
It had been a long and lonely three months, he expected that, but it also had been incredibly frustrating. This was what he wanted to do, the job she was doing, to go out there, to have the adventures, but still he wasn't fit enough to do it. Unsure when he ever would be, and it hurt watching Molly walk through the departure gates time and time again.
She chatted happily with Sam as they drove along. But he could tell that she was very distracted. Frequently fighting off yawns and her eye lids closing, and so it was a huge relief several hours later when Charles got back into the car finding himself alone, at last, with Molly.
She didn't look at him at first. Spent her time staring out of the window, and he didn't push it. He didn't make it about him. This needed to be about her. She needed to talk when she was ready to talk.
She appreciated that and she appreciated everything he did.
"It was just all a bit shit." Were her first words after period of silence. "From start to the finish. My captain was a bit shit, the team I worked with was a bit shit, and the conditions .… well let's just say that they were a bit shit too."
He said nothing. Just chewed his lips as he cast a glance over to her.
"People can be so cruel. It's just nice to be home." She said grabbing onto his hand. "Thank you for coming to meet me."
"No problem. I missed you." His voice cracked by the sincerity of her words. He'd never had that lovely rush of gratitude from a loved one before. "It's good to talk sometimes Molly though." He reminded her.
And she nodded her head.
"Yeah I know. And I will. Talk. Promise. Just not now; maybe not even today. Ok?"
He happily agreed.
"All I want to do now is go home, have some food and a bloody big cuddle." She stated, forcing a small smile to her face.
"I'm sure that can be arranged." He said squeezing her dry rough hand in his. Testament of the work she had been doing. "But I have to warn you, fairly convinced it might just not stop at a cuddle. It's been a long three months!"
With this she laughed, a true laugh, happy to be back home, and ever so grateful she soon would be in his arms again.
He gave her the space she needed. As soon as they entered his home he led her up the stairs and to his bed. Kissed her once, then left her alone. She was exhausted and she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She knew she would. He knew she would. She always did.
It was hours later he checked in her. Her kit unpacked and the washing machine on, he couldn't stay away any longer and crept in beside her. Expecting her to be in deep sleep, happy just to be close to her. Surprised when she rolled over and snuggle deep into him.
"Really missed you." She said gently. Her voice quiet but not heavy with sleep.
"And I missed you too." He settled here into his arms. Enjoying having her there again. A peace and contentment that had been missing for three months finally washed over him.
He'd let her have this time; he knew she needed it. Then he knew they needed to talk. He knew she needed to talk about this tour, to decompress with him, but he also knew that they needed to talk about them. It was over a year now that they had been together and so much had changed in their lives while so much stayed the same.
For the past year he'd been office bound. Close to her. Available, and more importantly safe. He was recovering. His leg slowly taking it's time to return back to normal. She had helped him do so much, on so many levels, and they were a good team. But now things were soon to change. She knew that and he knew that, and both were worried about the up-and-coming changes to their lives. She had mentioned it more and more over the past few weeks as her return date got closer. Knowing the inevitable was to happen.
The time had finally come. He was passed fully fit once more. He was going back into being the soldier he wanted to be. No more shuffling pieces of paper round. He was going to go back into the full swing of things, back to being in charge of two section. He knew she worried, and so far had attempted to hide that from him.
"I thought you'd be flat out asleep." He eventually offered.
"Was. For a bit. Needed a wee. Can't really sleep now though. Too much going on in me nut."
He pulled away.
"You know I'm always ready to listen." He knew she knew that but he also knew at times she needed to process things in her own way.
"I know that. I promised didn't I? That I always would. Tell you."
His caressed her tightly in his arms.
"Just been wondering. A lot is gonna be changing now. I've come back. You'll back with two section. Me with my new section. Just lots of change ain't there?"
"I suppose there is. But it was inevitable. Wasn't it? You knew I wasn't going to stay behind a desk for ever." He looked at her. "Does that bother you? Me going back out their again?" He asked her.
"Yes. No. Well maybe. Just I was kind of getting used to having you to myself. I guess once you're back out there we might not see as much of each other. Might be difficult me getting across to see you. Plus you'll be really busy again."
"Most likely will, but that shouldn't affect us. Don't see why. We'll just have to make sure we make time for each other. I could come to yours one night a week, or so and you come here." He knew she was one of his priorities.
"Yeah I guess so." But he could tell she wasn't convinced.
"Guess there's plenty of time in the morning to talk more when you've had a sleep." He accepted. "You're here, you're back home. You're safe. You're where you belong."
However she pulled herself away from him and sat up lying on her side resting one arm on her head, watching him.
"Home?" She asked. It was still his house after all.
"Yes home. Here. With me."
"You mean that? Home? As in here? As in this is my home?"
"Yes Molly. I see this as your home too." He stated. Then worried. "Don't you?"
"I do." And she did. For the past three months whenever she thought about his, dreamed of him it was always in his house, never at her room in the barracks. Never anywhere but there. This bedroom, this house was the one she wanted to come back to. The one now in her heart she really saw as her home.
"Good." He said with authority. "Because when you're not here it's just not the same. Hate it when you're not here. Even if it's just for a night. I kind of like having you around, sharing my life with you. "
"I'm going to feel a prized tit if what I think you're saying is not what you really mean." She bravely stated.
He chuckled at her words, he understood. He knew what he wanted, but he needed her to get there too. He rolled himself over to lie on his side. Mirroring her position, and stroking her face.
"What is it you think I want?" He smiled.
"Are you sure? I just wondered with your new job. Going back to two section… Well I don't want to mess anything up."
"You won't. Now tell me what you want."
"I want more than the odd night with you. More than what we have now." She spoke.
She watched his eyebrows knit together as he was processing her words. She knew he was unsure now as to what direction she was gonna take this conversation in, and so she moved on quickly. Putting them both out of misery. Knowing she'd always been the one who'd been a little bit hesitant when it came to the relationship, and this was the biggest step that she had ever made.
"I think we should move in with one another. It would make sense wouldn't it?" She hardly paused for breath. "Save me having to go back to barracks every now and again for clean clothes. I mean I live here almost most of the time anyway."
She saw his paralysed look and his eyes widen with the surprise. Momentarily unsure whether or not she was saying the right thing.
Suddenly though his bone crushing hug as he pulled her into him, and the soft kisses he placed all over her face, before smashing into her lips, proved that this was the right choice and he was happy about it.
Happy that Molly Dawes was moving in with Charles James.