It always takes Himawari quite a bit longer than most to drag herself out of bed, but the next morning, for more than a moment, she considers never getting out of it all at. She lays there in the bunny pajamas that Kyoko had given to her, staring at the bottom of Kaede's bunk above her, her little sister's soft, sleeping breath the only sound in the room. The night before, after sending a terribly worried Kaede to bed, Himawari had put the bunny pajamas on without thinking. Once she noticed, she had been too exhausted to bother taking them off. Feeling the warm, soft fuzziness envelop her hadn't been unpleasant, and without Sakurako-
She sits upright suddenly, a tightness in her chest. She looks at the spot on the bed to her left and feels a gnawing emptiness. Her gaze lingers there for a time before she slides off the bed to her right, the fuzzy footies of the onesie landing gently on the carpet, a tiny static spark crackling at the contact. She starts to stretch but gives up quickly, the effort too much at this point in the morning. She hobbles slowly to her dresser and starts her morning preparations.
After changing into her uniform and preparing a quick breakfast and lunches for both herself and Kaede, she heads to the entryway, her little sister following her, the same worried look on her face as last night.
"Are you going to be ok, Onee-chan?" Kaede asks in a tiny, pleading warble. "Are you and Sakurako-onee-chan going to be friends again?" Hearing this, Himawari dredges up a smile, the question echoing in her mind.
"It'll be ok, Kaede. I'll figure things out," she leans down and pats her sister's head gently, moving her hand to Kaede's cheek. Kaede smiles and rests her head on Himawari's hand, her soft, glowing warmth giving Himawari a bit more hope for the day.
A knock at the door rings out, sending a shiver down Himawari's arms. She turns to the door, expecting it to slide open, Sakurako behind it. If I see her like that again... But the door doesn't open.
"Onee-chan?" Kaede tugs at her sister's skirt and looks at the door. Himawari smiles and forces herself to the door, sliding it open. She blinks in surprise as she sees Hanako, Sakurako's younger sister, standing outside, her backpack on and ready for elementary-school. While Himawari has known Sakurako's sisters for as long as she's known Sakurako herself, and while they had all spent much time together over the years, Hanako had never visited Himawari on her way to school.
"Good morning, Hima-nee," Hanako smiles weakly, a pained look in her eyes. Himawari smiles back, a baffled laugh escaping her.
"Hanako-chan, good morning! I'm surprised to see you, is everything...ok?" She hesitates partway through asking. Is everything ok?
I should know, shouldn't I?
"Um...Sakurako asked me to tell you that she was going to school early," Hanako shuffles her feet, looking at the ground for a moment before raising her eyes. "Hima-nee...she was really quiet all last night. And she was really quiet this morning..."
"I see," Himawari replies, her smile fading. "I uh...it's ok, Hanako-chan," Himawari dredges up her weary smile again and continues. "We'll...I'll figure something out. It'll be ok." Himawari watches as Hanako looks down then up at her again, her brown, over-wise eyes hard-set in her little face and framed by her almost knee-length, straight brown hair.
"...Hima-nee..." Hanako says softly. Himawari looks back at Kaede and bows slightly.
"I'm heading out!" She smiles at her sister, who bows back, frowning. Himawari turns and steps out, closing the door behind her and glancing at Hanako. Hanako cocks her head to the side in unconscious imitation of her sister.
"Hima-nee, you kinda seem like Sakurako," Hanako says, her voice just above a whisper.
"Wh...h-how do you mean?" Himawari stammers, startled. Though Himawari and Sakurako had been around each other for years, for anyone to say that they were alike was almost unheard of.
"You're not ok either, Hima-nee. Hanako's..." Hanako looks down, her lip quivering. "Hanako wants you two to be ok."
"Hanako-chan, I-"
"Hima-nee," Hanako looks up then, her little jaw set. "Try harder, Hima-nee. Please?" Hanako dips a quick bow and hurries away, leaving Himawari behind, stunned.
Try harder? She proceeds on her walk to school, her mind filled with memories of Sakurako: helping her with her homework, making her food, coming along with her on her little adventures, spending days together just because...
All I ever do is try.
But...She remembers yesterday, carrying the tart to school. She knew Sakurako would make some fuss about Monday, so she had been ready to help Sakurako catch up on her homework.
So why?
'You got mad at me for needing you,' Sakurako's voice flits through Himawari's mind.
Her heart lurches in her chest and that huge, spiky thing twists within her. Her eyes start to tear up but she squeezes them tight and forces the wave of emotion away.
She didn't even mean it...just another random little nothing of hers. Himawari wipes her eyes and exhales a long, slow breath. I bet she doesn't even remember saying it.
Himawari gazes over the railing next to the sidewalk, wondering vaguely if Ayano gave Kyoko the cake slice. The rest of her walk is quiet, filled with little external aches from the fall the other day, and little internal aches from what, she doesn't know.
The day passes, but for Himawari it didn't seem easier than the day before. Not by a long shot. Though Sakurako wasn't terrified of Himawari anymore, she had evidently replaced terror with listlessness and had oozed her way through the school day, saying nothing to anyone and quietly disappearing whenever a chance to socialize sprung up. Now, after school, Himawari switches her school shoes out for her own shoes at the locker and heads out the door on her way to another tutoring session with Kobe-san.
The walk is silent, and Himawari realizes how little she actually talks during the day when Sakurako isn't around. When she isn't around...
What am I doing? What's this all for?
Her heart races for a moment before settling down, but she won't let herself smother the thought. She thinks back to the feelings she had before, the yearning she'd felt when she tried to ask Kobe-san to teach her, the elation when Kobe-san had suggested it herself, the whole of that fateful day at the cake shop with Sakurako.
With...Sakurako.
She clenches her eyes shut for a second. A typical outing with her... she was hyper, embarrassing, just pulling me along. An emptiness fills her chest as she remembers the giddy way Sakurako had zipped ahead, the way she had pulled Himawari close when Himawari had zoned out, their arms touching as they stood in line...
She shakes her head, clearing the thought away.
The apartment complex where Yui and Kobe-san live breaks into view as Himawari rounds the corner. She watches it rise higher and higher as she closes the distance, expecting a rush of excitement to wash over her at any moment.
The tart had turned out beautifully. She kept going over all the steps in her mind, but Himawari couldn't think of a single stage in the process she couldn't understand. Even the technique Kobe-san had shown her of folding the thinly-sliced pluots into the shapes of roses seemed easy, though admittedly she wouldn't have even considered the option normally. Still, though Himawari understood the processes, Kobe-san's little hints, along with her direct coaching, had given Himawari some ideas about things to try on her own and had helped her refine her own techniques a bit.
This is what I want, to become a better baker, to make wonderful things to share with others.
So why?
Where did my excitement go?
Himawari walks up the stairs and over to Kobe-san's door, pressing the bell and standing in front of the camera. After a few moments, Kobe-san opens the door with a giddy grin.
"Hima-chan, come in!" Kobe-san opens the door and stands back with a slight bow, though to Himawari it seems that Kobe-san's grin faltered briefly as she did so.
"Sensei, thank you! I'm happy to be here," Himawari steps inside, bowing, and takes her shoes off. She moves one foot to the carpet of the living room before stopping dead, her breath taken away by the sight in the kitchen.
All across the countertops are a banquet of ingredients, from fresh strawberries, blueberries and nuts of every variety to mountains of brown sugar, white sugar, castor sugar, and flour, flour, flour. Himawari had thought that seeing Kobe-san's groceries spilled out on the ground was like seeing an overturned bakery, but all those bags combined didn't come close to a fifth of what she saw now. She grimaces, imagining Kobe-san carrying it all in one trip, before straightening her mouth into a polite, if quivering, smile.
"Eh...Sensei...um..." Himawari turns to Kobe-san. "So, what might we be making today?" More like what aren't we making, Himawari thinks to herself, a feeling of unease growing within her. She does realize it's a school night, right?
"I wonder," Kobe-san closes the door and puts a finger to her mouth, rocking back and forth on her heels. Himawari turns, visible shock on her face. Kobe-san giggles. "Hee hee, I think it was worth it to see you pull that face, Hima-chan."
Himawari snaps out of her surprise, noting how quickly Kobe-san had moved from Furutani-kun, when they first met, to Himawari-kun while they waited for the tart's crust to cool, and now to Hima-chan.
She looks out over the sea of ingredients again, recipe after recipe swimming through her mind. With each one, she thinks of little additions she could make here or there with all the options now at her fingertips. Kobe-san walks to the kitchen but stops as a chiming comes from her pocket. Himawari suppresses a smirk; the chime is a common default ringtone, so either Kobe-san is fond of it, or she has no idea how to change it.
"Ah, I'm sorry Hima-chan, I have to take this. Make yourself at home, I shouldn't be long. There are drinks in the fridge, please help yourself!" Kobe-san scampers to the laundry room in a huff, sliding the door behind her. Himawari walks to the fridge, not terribly thirsty but not wanting to turn down Kobe-san's offer. She looks in, then closes the fridge. Her mind spends a few moments catching up to what she saw, and she slowly opens the door again, stifling a laugh.
The fridge is packed to bursting with milk, cream cheeses, fresh vegetables, more fruit in addition to what was decorating the kitchen counters, slices of meat cut earlier that morning, and far too many eggs. In the very middle, pushed to the extreme edge of one rack, three sodas sit conspicuously; a strawberry, a cherry, and a lemon-lime.
Subtle, Kobe-sensei, Himawari thinks, smirking. She takes a strawberry soda and glances over at the laundry room. She can hear a low muttering, but can't make out any of Kobe-san's words. She turns towards the living room and is surprised to see a few new decorations adorning it, specifically two pictures and what looks like a portion of one of the elaborate table displays from the cake shop. She is less surprised, though, at the haphazard, awkward way in which all three decorations are positioned. I really shouldn't move them but... Himawari sighs, smiling and walking towards the decorations to inspect them. This style of decorating suits her...style.
On the left wall, closest to the exterior door of the apartment, sits a large, framed picture of Kobe-san and her staff standing in front of her cake shop. Himawari counts six young women, seven including Kobe-san herself. Kobe-san is standing in the middle, in front of the glass-double doors. Two employees stand on either side of the doorway, opening the doors behind her. Two other employees are hovering over her shoulders, one on each side, making menacing eyes as they appear to be dragging her backwards into the shop. The last two employees are laying down, posing beach-style in front of Kobe-san's feet, ignoring the whole scene behind them. In the middle, Kobe-san's blushing, smiling face and closed eyes laugh out into the camera. Himawari creases her brow but smiles. They look like an interesting bunch. They must be close, huh?
Sugiura-senpai said the same thing about me and Sakurako, that we're close. Kobe-san said it too. And I think I've heard others say the same... Himawari's smile fades and she leaves the first picture, coming to the second. The placement of the second one is odd; while the first sits at head-height for anyone passing through and is printed on a large canvas about a meter across, the second picture is much lower, only about half a meter off the ground and much, much smaller, a tad larger than a smart phone.
Himawari leans down and inspects the photo, her back aching at the effort and possibly (hopefully) from the tumble down the hill onto Ayano's hand. She pauses, staring at the smaller portrait for a few moments, her brow furrowing. She straightens up and looks back at the previous one, with Kobe-san and her staff, then goes back down to the smaller one.
...who is this?
For a second, she had thought that it could have been one of Kobe-san's employees. The young woman in the smaller picture seems about the right age, but none of the six employees match appearance-wise; none of them are even close. The smaller photo depicts a young woman in a high-school uniform Himawari doesn't recognize, unsmiling, with two hair buns adorning her long, pink hair. Something disconcerting about her expression blocks Himawari from seeing a resemblance to Akari, despite the buns. Himawari looks closer and sees that the left hair bun is done up with a plaid cloth.
Huh...just like the one Kobe-san uses in her hair. Himawari stands, curiosity tugging at her. She glances to the laundry ro-
"OH!" Himawari nearly yelps, giving a start as she sees Kobe-san watching her from the laundry room doorway, an oddly serene smile across her lips.
"Heh, I'm sorry, Hima-chan," Kobe-san steps out of the doorway and takes a few meandering footsteps in Himawari's direction, her hands locked behind her back. "So, what do you think? Pretty bad, huh?"
"Eh? Oh, no, not at all, I...um..." She looks back towards the smaller picture. "I was a little curious though..."
"Ah, you wanna know who that is?" Kobe-san flicks the plaid cloth tying her side-knot, a sly smile beneath her knowing eyes.
"Oh...yes...I don't mean to pry though, I was just curious," Himawari tries to grin back but feels a twinge of unease, her mouth settling into a half-grin half-grimace.
"Hmmmm," Kobe-san's smile falters a bit, and Himawari's unease grows. Kobe-san nods and turns away, walking to the kitchen as she calls over her shoulder. "I'll make you a deal! You help me decorate these cookies...or, I guess, you let me show you a few things about decorating them, and I'll tell you who that is." She opens the oven and pulls out a tray of fresh cookies, though as Himawari approaches she sees that they've cooled a bit and the oven itself is off. Still, the unmistakable smell of recent-ness wafts over to her.
She's good at planning things, at least. Her discomfort easing the slightest bit, Himawari nods.
"Sure, it's a deal. Thank you for teaching me," Himawari bows and Kobe-san giggles.
"Thanks for putting up with me, Hima-chan," Kobe-san opens a few cabinets and pulls out a rolling pin, cookie cutters, and a series of small brushes. Satisfied with the loot from the cabinet, she moves to the refrigerator and pulls a few plastic containers out. Himawari walks to the kitchen, setting the unopened soda down amidst several containers of pecans and walnuts.
"Putting.. no, it's a pleasure, it really is," Himawari tries to beam at Kobe-san, but something in her can't quite pull it off. Kobe-san seems to notice and raises an eyebrow, smirking.
"It's ok, Hima-chan, I know I'm a little odd, but," she starts laying out the containers, which Himawari now sees contain lemon extract, fondant, and different colors of frosting, next to the assortment of brushes and the rolling pin, "I guess maybe I misspoke." She opens the container of fondant and motions to the sink, clapping her hands by the side of her cocked face in giddiness. "Ok, go ahead and wash your hands and we'll start!"
"I really do enjoy baking with you, Sensei!" Himawari insists, pouting.
"Hee hee, do you now?" Kobe-san grins and waits for Himawari to wash her hands. After she does, she motions to the rolling pin. "Ok Hima-chan, go ahead and roll the fondant flat." Kobe-san watches as Himawari blorps the fondant onto a cooking grid laid out next to the cookies, then goes to wash her hands herself.
"I really do, you know," Himawari replies, drying her hands and picking up the rolling pin. She means to go on but a sudden ache forms in the pit of her stomach as a sour nostalgia washes over her. For a moment there...
'I already make you sweets all the time.'
Her words to Sakurako echo back from her memory as she starts rolling the fondant. Doesn't she hear me? Doesn't she believe me?
Does she care? All the things I've done for her...
Himawari grits her teeth and clenches her eyes shut. No, she thinks, her eyes quivering, not here, not now. I just want to bake...I just want to BAKE!
"Hima-chan, I um...I think it's flat now." Kobe-san's voice brings Himawari back to the present and she looks down, the fondant now a thin smear across the cooking grid.
"OH! Ah... yes, it certainly is...guh." Himawari looks down, clutching the rolling pin in both hands in front of her chest.
"Hima-chan, what's wrong?" Kobe-san stands near Himawari in front of the oven, hands clasped in front of her waist, a genuine look of worry across her face. Himawari looks at her, guilt rising in her chest.
"I...think I did something awful." Himawari lowers the rolling pin and sets it on the countertop. Kobe-san looks to it, then to the fondant, then back to Himawari.
"We can salvage the fondant, although..." Kobe-san says, "I have a feeling that's not what you mean."
"It's not...but I'm glad we can...salvage the f-fondant..." Himawari feels a tear streak down her cheek and her face flushes red. She turns away, burying her face in her elbow, her tears soaking into her school uniform. She stifles a few sobs, keeping her face buried, until she gets herself into some semblance of shaky control. She turns back partway, not fully wanting Kobe-san to see her face but feeling awkward keeping herself turned away. She sees Kobe-san out of the corner of her eye, facing the wall behind the oven. Himawari glances over at her, seeing the young cake shop owner's downturned eyes, and faces herself to the wall as well. Kobe-san speaks, her voice soft.
"I know that...we barely know each other, Hima-chan...I know it's probably too early to call you Hima-chan, even...but I hope, that...well..." Kobe-san starts to turn but quickly aborts and faces the wall again. "It...it might be easier! You know, to tell someone you don't really know too well." Kobe-san giggles and moves her hands up to the countertop, fingers drumming nervously. She turns halfway towards Himawari. "You know, there's actually an entire industry based around that concept."
"You might be right," Himawari gives a soft, short chuckle, her throat twitching and pained. For a few moments they stand in silence, both facing the wall again, before Himawari continues. "I said something. To Sakurako."
"Oh," Kobe-san perks up a bit. "That...um, what was it? Girl who's in the same class as you?" Kobe-san says in a syrupy voice. Himawari glares at her for a second, pouting.
"Sensei..."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kobe-san gives a tiny bow, her hand sideways in front of her mouth, thumb near her lips.
"Well, I guess I should apologize too," Himawari looks down to the cookies. "She's...well, not just a classmate."
"I might have suspected as much," Kobe-san says, motioning to the fondant. "Let's see if we can smoosh it back together and start over, shall we?"
Himawari obliges, gathering the fondant together in the middle of the grid and picking up the rolling pin. As she starts rolling, this time more gently, Kobe-san turns towards her fully.
"So, what is she? To you."
"...a friend..." Himawari mumbles, looking away. Kobe-san cocks her head, pursing her lips, but doesn't say anything for a few moments.
"So...what happened? Ah, wait," Kobe-san steps to the refrigerator and pulls out another container. "We'll need this too. That's looking pretty nice. Now we'll cut it using the same cookie cutters I used to make the cookies." She gestures to the cookie cutters, and Himawari notices that they're all cats in various poses. Making sure to match the fondant cuts with the cookies, she starts cutting but pauses as she answers, the cookie cutter trembling in her hands.
"I said something...something that hurt her," Himawari resumes cutting the fondant with the cookie cutter as Kobe-san checks the ingredients again.
"Was it an accident?" Kobe-san asks, reaching into another cabinet and fetching five small bowls, which she lays out next to the cooking grid. "Did you mean what you said?"
"...I'm..." Himawari stops, her mind racing and her heart hammering in her chest. Did I mean it?
'I'm done with you.'
Sakurako's face flashes through Himawari's mind, the face she'd made just before-
"NO." She nearly shouts the answer, making Kobe-san jump in surprise. Himawari's face burns hot and she bows. "Ah! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout that. Um..." She thinks about it a bit more, a flickering anger deep inside gaining strength. "Well...I don't know. Maybe...but not...um, I think I have all the cats cut." She steps back from the fondant and Kobe-san peeks over, inspecting the fondant cats.
"Oooo, very nice. Ok! Next we do this," she says excitedly, spooning a different color frosting into each of the five little bowls she had laid out. She picks up the container of lemon extract and hands it to Himawari. "This is lemon extract. Use it to thin the frosting in each bowl, roughly to the consistency of paint."
Himawari takes the lemon extract and squirts a little in one bowl, wanting to experiment a bit before adding the extract to the rest. Kobe-san hands her a small brush to mix it with, and a memory flashes through Himawari's mind of her and Sakurako painting each other's portraits in class. She remembers the way Sakurako had deleted Himawari's breasts from the portrait, while Himawari had done the reverse to Sakurako. A flash of irritation rises in her, but she finds it quickly subsumed by something bigger. Kobe-san glances at her.
"What do you think, Hima-chan?"
"I think," Himawari starts, blinking back tears. "I think...I miss her. But at the same time, some of the things she does bother me so much. But then, when I miss her like this, it's almost like I miss those things too." Himawari's voice wavers, a shiver going up the back of her neck as she pictures Sakurako's wide grin under her shining, cheery eyes...
"But then when we get back toge...get...back, she does those things and they b-bother me and I feel s-st-stupid for missing her. I d-don't..." Himawari's body shudders and her eyes start to flood with tears, her voice now fluctuating between a choking gasp and a wail. "I wuh...want us to be togeth...not..ap-part, but it h-hurts when we are and she...it's like she doesn't even FEEL any...anything sp-special, I'm just there and she...but she says...and sometimes..." She holds herself tightly by the shoulders, hunching over the small bowls, her tears like raindrops glistening on the frosting. She squeezes her eyes shut but the tears won't stop. The two are silent for a time, the only sounds Himawari's stifled sobs. Suddenly, she feels Kobe-san's hand on her head and opens her eyes.
"Pain, pain, go away!" Kobe-san says, lifting her hand off Himawari's head, her fingers making a scattering motion. Kobe-san smiles at her and backs up a step, bowing slightly. "S...sorry, Hima-chan, I didn't know what else to do..." Kobe-san closes her eyes, tiny tears forming in their corners. She dabs at them with a corner of her sleeve, turning away. Himawari's eyes widen and she stares at Kobe-san for a moment before letting out a weak chuckle.
"Sensei... I think maybe it worked," Himawari says, smiling, her breathing steadily coming under control as her tears slow. "Or maybe I'm just so surprised."
"Hey," Kobe-san turns, putting her hands on her hips and pouting. "Still counts!"
"I suppose it does," Himawari grins, though her grin fades as she looks down at the small bowls of frosting.. "Um...I think maybe we need new frosting..."
"Don't worry about that, this has all been a trick to try and get you to open up!" Kobe-san smiles smugly. Himawari glares at her.
"Sensei!"
"Well... it wasn't all a trick, but it makes me seem more clever if I say it was."
"Sensei..." Himawari laughs through her aching throat. Kobe-san smiles and walks to the couch, sitting on it with a soft 'plop!' She leans her head back over the top and calls out to Himawari.
"Hima-chan, come sit with me." Himawari looks down to the frosting, frowning. Kobe-san pipes up suddenly, "And don't worry, we'll switch the frosting out later and try again. You're..." her voice falters for a moment, coming back softer. "This is more important right now."
"Coming, Sensei," Himawari walks to the couch, falling into it and closing her eyes. She thinks back on all the things she'd let slip, a growing blush warming her cheeks. She furrows her brow, thinking over some of it. It just all came out, but why did I say it? What did I mean by all of it?
Sakurako's face drifts into her mind. It threatens to escape but she pulls the image back and focuses on Sakurako, her blonde, wavy hair, her brown eyes, her goofy little grin...she way she would stomp merrily wherever she went...her little tantrums, always so childish but...
Dragging me places she wanted to go because...
'But I want to go with you.'
Himawari's chest clenches and she gasps, willing away new tears. Next to her, Kobe-san crosses one leg over the other, her hands clasped above her stomach, below her chest. Kobe-san speaks, her voice sounding faint and uneven.
"The girl in that picture was...someone very dear to me." Kobe-san sighs. Himawari looks over to her, her eyes wide and her heart sinking.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did something...? N-no, I'm sorry, never mind. Um..." Himawari looks away, then glances back. Kobe-san closes her eyes and sighs again, a tiny, weak smile spreading across her lips as she melts into the couch a bit, her body relaxing.
"It's ok. It was a long time ago now," she opens her eyes and peeks over at Himawari. Seeing Himawari facing her way, she locks eyes for a few moments before looking out across the living room and continuing, pulling her legs up onto the couch and resting her chin on her knees, her arms holding her legs close. "She was a bit older than me. Hmmm...actually, it was just a year more than the difference between you and your little sister. To be honest," Kobe-san looks over and smiles at Himawari, then buries her face in her knees, "I guess we were pretty much like sisters. Or maybe a parent and a child?"
"Oh," Himawari says, thinking back to the picture and remembering the other girl's pink hair. "I take it you two weren't actually related?"
"Heh," Kobe-san chuckles, "not by blood, no. But...we did love each other. She took care of me," Kobe-san drops her feet back to the ground and looks out towards the portrait of the young woman, "took me in when I had no one. She fed me, bathed me, clothed me...it was only for a little bit, but she raised me happier than I'd..." her eyes go wide suddenly and she looks back at Himawari. "Sorry, I get a little worked up about... all of it, sometimes. But...she really fought hard for me. She let me know she loved me, she treated me like she loved me, and she fought for that love." Kobe-san lets her smile fall away, leaning on the arm rest and dabbing at her eyes. "I guess...what I mean to say is...let's..." She sighs, shaking her head. "Let's try this. I have a question for you, Hima-chan."
"Um...what?" Himawari asks, her heartbeat picking up speed.
"Heh, it's the benefit of us just meeting a little bit ago, but, let's just be direct. How do you feel about Sakurako-chan?"
*Ba-dump*
Himawari's heart skips a beat and she loses her breath for a moment. She opens her mouth to protest, but her quivering lips can't form any words. No...
I don't...
"I don't...," her hands form into weak fists, clutching at her collar. "I don't...know."
"How do you feel when she's not around?"
"I..." Himawari puts her fists on her thighs and turns, facing forwards on the couch. "I feel fine. Maybe...maybe a little bored..."
"Ah, so what you're feeling right now is... boredom?" Kobe-san replies and Himawari turns towards her, scoffing despite herself. Himawari puts her hand up to her mouth in a late attempt to stifle it but Kobe-san just laughs. Himawari looks away again, gritting her teeth for a moment before cooling herself down and continuing in a trembling voice.
"I'm not...bored...Sensei...please don't tease me. This has been something really special, though I wish I wasn't...dealing with all this Sakurako stuff. I just wanted to bake," she tears up but quickly dries them on her sleeve.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tease you. Well," Kobe-san hums to herself a moment. "I guess I did, but not to hurt you. I know you appreciate this and...well, I really enjoy it too. But the thing about baking," she stretches her arms out in front of her, webbing her fingers together, "is that for most people, they don't bake for themselves. It's...kind of an act of love."
Himawari gives a start and Kobe-san laughs, holding her hand in front of her mouth.
"Sorry Hima-chan, but it really is, I think. For family, for friends, for...others. Even for people you don't know. You bake because you want to give someone a bit of warm happiness. Even if it's chilled." Kobe-san stands and walks to the odd piece of the display table sitting in the corner of the room, running a finger along the flowers etched into the glass. "Heh, that's the upside...and downside, of a cake shop, I think." She turns around, a forlorn smile beneath her pained eyes. "We give people sweets, and we believe...we choose to believe that they're going to go out and do something lovely with them. They're going to give them to a friend, maybe a lover, for a birthday, an anniversary, or just because. Or they're going to sit down with it themselves and read, or write, or watch T.V. or play a video game...whatever it is, their hearts, like jars, are going to fill a bit with our sweets. But the downside is we never really get to see any of it. We trust that it's going to happen...but Hima-chan..." She walks towards Himawari, stopping just out of reach. "If we're going to bake together, you and I...we need to figure out your heart. You can't do a loving act, if you don't know your own heart."
Himawari's breath trembles as the huge spiked thing churns within her, her eyes tearing up again. I must've cried more tonight than ever before...my whole life, combined... She pulls out her now-remembered handkerchief and buries her face in it, little quiet moans escaping as her shoulders bounce with each muffled sob. Kobe-san stays standing in front of her, looking back over her right shoulder at the smaller picture with the young, pink-haired woman. After a few minutes, Himawari's eyes finally run dry of tears and she speaks to Kobe-san, her throat parched.
"...c-could I have some water?" Himawari asks, and Kobe-san walks to the sink, pouring her a glass.
"Here you go!" Kobe-san comes back, smiling cheerily.
"Thank you." Himawari takes a sip and sighs. "When...I mean, we're not around each other all the time anyway but I...I know what you mean, I think. But usually I'm ok. This time though...when I'm not around her, and I don't know when...if I'll be around her again." She scrunches her eyes and looks down. "It...hurts."
"How do you feel when you're around her? Or when you know you'll see her again soon?"
Himawari thinks for a moment, taking another sip of water.
"I feel...troubled, but not...bad. She's always so hyper, and she's always poking fun at me or dragging me off to do something. But I guess it's partly my fault...I always end up going with her, in the end."
"Fault?"
"Well," Himawari glances up at Kobe-san, who's standing, hands behind her back, facing the large photo of her and her staff in front of the shop. Her yellow apron glows brightly in the fluorescent white light of the living room. "I mean, it's always some misadventure she takes me on, but I don't refuse to go with her."
"Hmmmm," Kobe-san leans closer to the larger photo. "Would you rather refuse?"
"I don't..." Something white-hot flares up in Himawari's chest, a blinding drive pushing her towards something. But what? What do you want from me, me? "I...don't...dislike..."
"If you don't dislike, does that mean you like?" Kobe-san says in a wheedling lilt.
"Even if I did, it...doesn't mean the same to her." Himawari's cracking, uneven voice shocks her and she quickly takes a sip of water, choking on it and coughing for a few moments. Kobe-san watches her, eyes wide and hand outstretched for the briefest flash before withdrawing it to herself as Himawari gets her cough under control. Himawari looks up, the best reassuring smile she can manage on her face, and Kobe-san puts her hands on her hips, shaking her head and smiling. Kobe-san puts one finger on her cheek and grins.
"Ah, you're right. I bet Sakurako-chan is a paragon of emotional maturity. She has likely already recognized her feelings, analyzed them and how they align with her cognitive goals, and adjusted her behavior to best facilitate the outcome she wishes for. Therefore, her inaction in regards to acknowledging your feelings is due to her desire not to pursue a closer relationship with you." Kobe-san throws her chest out, a smug smile on her face. Himawari stares at her with vacant eyes. "Um..." Kobe-san continues, "are...I was joking, Hima-chan."
"Hmmm?" Himawari blinks. "Sorry, I think I lost consciousness for a moment there." The two stare at each other, the room silent for a seconds before they both burst into laughter. Himawari doesn't know how long they laugh. Her hands are covering her eyes, her head tilted back over the back of the couch like she had seen Kobe-san do before. Kobe-san is clutching her stomach, leaning on the wall beside the larger picture. Eventually, Himawari brings her head off the back of the couch and continues.
"I think...wait..." she blinks and gives a small giggle, her hand up to her mouth. "What, um...?"
"I mean to say, if you're having a lot of trouble figuring out your feelings, then wouldn't it be fair to think that...maybe...?"
"So...wait. Do you think...?" Himawari's heart beats faster.
"I don't know. And you need to accept the possibility that um...well, that you could get hurt." Kobe-san moves back to the couch cushion next to Himawari and sets herself down gently. "But these things...they take bravery. Whatever it is...you have to fight for it. You have to stand up for it. Well... you're somewhat of a kid, or maybe being a kid wasn't so long ago for you, so I'm sure you've heard these things from kids' shows already but...it's amazing how many adults, and how often...how they just give up." She gazes off at nothing for a moment before continuing, her eyes turning back to Himawari. "Besides, you know what it feels like to not fight for it now. What it feels like to try letting it die... to just... let yourself crack apart..." Kobe-san's eyes seem to pierce straight through Himawari, who feels a twinge of discomfort but smiles back at her sensei.
"What should I do though? I don't...I don't know what I'm feeling. I feel like if I just try charging back into things now, I might make things worse."
"I don't think so. Well, maybe!" Kobe-san smirks at Himawari, who scowls back.
"Sensei...you have what I believe to be called 'terrible bedside manner.'" Himawari's scowl breaks into a smile.
"Heh, good thing I never really got into math or science then." Kobe-san winks at Himawari, who rolls her eyes and looks off to the side, lowering her head in thought.
"I should apologize to Sakurako... I can't just leave things like this. I can't... keep hurting her like this."
"...are you sure that's what you want?" Kobe-san says softly. Himawari turns to her, confusion spreading across her face.
"But...I feel terrible right now. I feel terrible...and I know I hurt her, and that makes it so much worse..."
"True, you could say you're sorry. You could take it all back, and she'll probably forgive you. Well, you'd know better than me on that part," Kobe-san stands again and paces the living room. "But I guess what I mean to say is, do you really want things to go back to how they were?"
"Yes!" Himawari replies fiercely, her fists clenched on her lap. "Of course I do!"
"Back to when it hurt to be with her?" Kobe-san's flat, harsh voice makes Himawari flinch. She hears an echo in her mind of the words she had sputtered out earlier as her emotions ripped through her like wildfire:
'I wuh...want us to be togeth...not..ap-part, but it h-hurts when we are...'
"But..." Himawari says quickly, her body filling with a flickering heat, her hands clenching at her sides. "It's because...it's because she doesn't know, isn't it? She doesn't know, or she's afraid to admit...or admit that she knows..."
"Know what?" Kobe-san interjects, making Himawari wince but not stopping her momentum.
"Know that I w...want us to be closer. Know that I want to...be...t..." Himawari gulps, but pushes herself onwards, the flickering heat inside her growing into a bright blaze. "I want to be... together... closer together... she doesn't know, or doesn't know for sure...or doesn't want to admit... that I want to..." She slams her fists down on her thighs, a spark of dull pain blasting through them, and Kobe-san gives a start, instinctually reaching out to Himawari. Himawari rounds on her angrily. "She doesn't know I want to be nice to her! She doesn't know I w-want her to be n-nice to me! I want to give her things, and for her not to be so scared of thanking me! I want to h...hold h-her and have her h-h-h-" She stands and stomps across the living room, sidestepping Kobe-san. "WHY IS THIS SO HARD? I l-l-"
"Hima-"
"BE QUIET! I LOVE SAKURAKO! And YOU...you are TERRIBLE at decorating!" Himawari picks up the display table piece and drags it to the window, placing the tip of the table piece on the low windowsill. "This will...catch the light, I guess, but why do you have RANDOM TRASH as a decoration?!" She walks over to the large picture, Kobe-san ducking away from her, and points at it. "Put this," she points across the living room to the wall opposite the couch, "over THERE. People can't even see it right now unless they're already in the living room and their eyes RANDOMLY wander around. And THAT," she points to the lower picture, "WHY is it SO...LOW?!"
"I...I'm sor-"
"I LOVE SAKURAKO!"
"I uh...I believe you, Hima-"
"IT'S SO LOW!"
"I'll fix it, I swear!" Kobe-san holds her hands up in front of her face, warding off Himawari's wrath. Himawari glares at her for a few moments before her mouth twists into a grin. Her eyes close, and a sweet, tinkling laughter bursts out from her.
"I...I love her...I love her, Sensei..." She drops to her knees as fresh, warm tears gently caress her cheeks, the great spiked thing in her chest dissolving explosively into a bright-hot, frightened flame. "I...I think I've always l-loved her."
She hears Kobe-san move closer, and opens her eyes to see her sensei kneeling in front of her.
"Hima-chan...what do you want to do?" Kobe-san smiles at Himawari, a weak, vulnerable little smile, one Himawari hadn't seen from her before.
"I..." Himawari looks towards the kitchen, a sudden idea leaping into her mind. "I want to bake a cake. I think...I think I know just what kind, too." She looks back at Kobe-san. "I'm sorry, I don't quite recall...do you have strawberries?"
"Yes! I definitely have strawberries!" The two grin at each other and stand, making their way to the kitchen.