Note: Here we have lots of people sitting around talking! How fascinating! Sorry about that, everybody, but we'll get to some more action soon enough! Not entirely satisfied with how this turned out, but I hope you like it anyway!
This chapter is dedicated to Tonks23: Welcome back! (I think!)
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
10: Shame
As she lay stretched out upon the rug before the fireplace, gazing blankly up at the ceiling, Pandora Lupin barely noticed the shadow falling across her, nor her grandfather's offer of:
"Tomato or mushroom, Sweetheart?"
Pandora blinked the world back into focus and stared blankly up at the werewolf as he stood looking down at her.
"Hm?"
"Soup, Pandora." Remus elaborated, reaching to adjust the glasses upon his nose. "Tomato or mushroom?"
"Oh..." Pandora said, finding the question rather irrelevant, and she offered him a shrug.
Four days after the explosion and Pandora was still numb.
School over, she spent her days sat at home with her mother or sister, doing and saying very little indeed. With the investigation into the explosion in full swing her father left home early and often did not return until the early hours.
Pandora wasn't at home during the early hours, however, so she had barely seen Teddy for four days straight. Her grandfather, seemingly quite overwhelmed with worry for Nana Dora's both physical and mental health as she remained in hospital, spent all day long at his wife's bedside, and would spend all night there too were it not for family intervention. Every evening Carrie would take Remus' place keeping Dora company and with Imogen usually at work Pandora would be home alone, so Remus would arrive to take her back to her grandparents' cottage with him, where he would give her dinner and she would sleep upon a makeshift bed in the sitting room.
The entire family, as worried for Dora as they were, seemed to find plenty of time to worry about Pandora too, which led them to deem her haphazard sleeping arrangements necessary. They simply would not leave her unsupervised.
Pandora wished they would.
Ever since discovering the article in the Daily Prophet it seemed that nobody could stop attempting to have a comforting word with her, which only made Pandora feel ten times worse.
Nana Dora, as usual one of the first to speak up, had only succeeded in making Pandora feel childish.
Having gone with Imogen to visit her grandmother the day after the explosion in order that Imogen might coaxed Remus away long enough to eat something in the cafe, Pandora had sat silently at Dora's bedside, fidgeting as the witch stared at her thoughtfully.
Then, Dora had sighed.
She'd reached a stiff hand sideways to rest upon Pandora's arm and had recalled:
"I told you to be careful with that glass heart of yours, didn't I?"
Pandora had stared at her shoes and said nothing.
"But you know," the witch had said, patting the girl's arm absentmindedly, "I don't expect I'd have listened to me either, if I were you. When you get to my age, Pandora, everybody forgets you were young once. Even I do! Everybody forgets you know what it's like. And I know what it's like to be young and...and in love..."
"I don't know what love is." Pandora had mumbled forlornly. "That's what Dad says."
Teddy's reaction to his daughter's mumbled explanation of what was written in the Daily Prophet had been far more angry than the rest of the family. There had been shouting, agitated pacing and a lot of tugging frustratedly at hair.
"Perhaps Dad's right," Dora had told the girl, sounding distinctly unconcerned by the notion. Pandora looked up in surprise when the ex-Auror added: "And wrong."
Pandora had shrugged dismally, frowning when the witch gave a weak chuckle.
"You know precisely what love is, Pan. I love you, don't I? And I suspect you love me! What you lack is an understanding of romantic love. And nobody can hold that against you, Sweetheart. Romantic love and everything surrounding it is complicated and confusing and a slippery thing to grasp. And nobody tells you that when you're young. Instead they read you a bunch of unrealistic fairytales which make it all seem entirely straight forward! And that's why if I were you I wouldn't listen to any warning anybody gave me. Warnings are more complicated and vague than fairytales. I'd rather believe something seemingly concrete."
"Fairytales are for children. I'm not a child, Nana." Pandora had pointed out a little indignantly, and her grandmother stifled a wide yawn and wearily observed:
"Merlin, don't you give me that! I can't stand it. You sound just like your mum when she was your age..." Dora had reached to rub a bandaged hand across her forehead, eyes drifting closed before she sighed again and said: "Don't take what Dad says to heart, will you love? He doesn't mean it..."
"Doesn't he?" Pandora had failed not to sound disbelieving.
"Of course he doesn't," Dora had mumbled as a healer came bustling down the ward towards them with a tray ladened with potions and glasses. "It's just he...he knows the Ministry, Sweetheart, that's all...he knows the Ministry and so do I. And obviously since you...since you might be able to help a little with...with their investigations, chances are they'll want a word or two with you soon. And I'm sure it's nothing to worry about...it's just...well it's not what you want as a parent, is it? You don't want your darling daughter caught up in a bloody investigation into an arson attack! I've...I've headed investigations like this, Pan, and I've...interviewed people and so on and it's...well it's just not very nice! And Dad knows that! I expect he feels you've had enough to put up with without any more hassle, that's all."
"You mean interrogated, don't you Nana?" Pandora had observed as the healer had come to a halt at the end of Dora's bed to peer down at her medical supplies in consideration. "You mean you've interrogated people in investigations like this...and they're going to interrogate me..."
"Interr...no! No, love, of course not!" Dora had said, spluttering a little as she attempted to sit upright, accepting a glassful of alarmingly red liquid from the green-robed healer. Pandora had watched her drink the foul tasting medicine only to almost choke on it when Pandora had recalled:
"Dad said you interrogated Nelson Whatshisface's brother one time about his whereabouts and you reduced him to hysterical tears."
Dora had spent a good moment coughing violently, waving a distinctly furious hand at the healer not to bother intervening, and when she had recovered enough to gasp in a deep breath she had informed her granddaughter firmly:
"Well obviously that isn't going to happen to you, Sweetheart!"
"How d'you know that?" Pandora had asked, and the former Deputy Head of Aurors had slammed the empty glass back down upon the healer's tray and pointed out:
"Because I'm retired!"
Somehow the prospect of being interrogated by the Ministry of Magic didn't seem to Pandora to be something to fret over. She was just much too numb and preoccupied by what had happened to give anything that happened afterwards much consideration, despite her mother's warnings.
"We're stuck in a different place from the rest, Pan." Carrie had observed over lunch earlier that day. "We're caught on the edge of the Magical world and when we dip our toe in the water we can cause such ripples that it's hypnotising. It hypnotised me when I was young and that's a dangerous thing, let me tell you! You can get caught up in all sorts of trouble when you're stuck where we are, and it's dangerous. I got myself into all sorts of trouble in the Magical world when I was your age, and it'd never have happened to a witch, that's for sure! And that's why you have to try and keep a clear head on your shoulders, Pan. You have to look out for yourself because there are plenty of people who seek to take advantage of us..."
It was all a bit late, Pandora thought, for talk like that.
"Mushroom it is, then." Remus decided, turning to shuffle back towards the kitchen, and as she watched him go, Pandora willed herself to get up and follow him, perhaps make the two of them a cup of tea or offer to slice some bread...
"Look after Grandad, alright?" Imogen had instructed some half an hour earlier as Pandora had watched her drag a comb through her short, choppy hair in preparation for a evening serving behind the bar at the Leaky Cauldron. "He'll look after you for sure, but it's important that you look after one another."
When Pandora hadn't bothered to so much as glance at her sister in response, Imogen had flung the comb to the floor and rounded on her, reaching to grasp the squib firmly by the shoulders.
"Chin up, Pan!" the eldest Lupin sister had demanded fiercely, giving Pandora a firm shake that made her jump. "I mean it! Don't get all...all pathetic and feeble! Don't start sinking! Don't...don't be stupid like I was!"
To her later shame, Pandora had informed her sister:
"I'm not a bit like you, Imogen. Your boyfriend shagged a Quidditch star. My boyfriend let me almost murder my own grandmother. Who d'you think you are to...to tell me to keep my chin up?!"
Imogen had taken this attack in her stride, as she did most things, and had informed the squib frankly:
"I'm your big sister, Pandora. And I want what's best for you. Just like you wanted what was best for me. You and Mum and everybody were so nice and understanding and...and you all tiptoed around on eggshells for weeks! Did it do me the slightest bit of good? Doesn't bloody look like it, does it?! So! Now it's my turn I'm not going to tiptoe around you at all, I'm just going to tell you how it is! You were betrayed and you feel hurt! And you feel you've betrayed the rest of us and that hurts even more! You think pressing that button was a betrayal of your family because it landed Nana in the state she's in?! Think again! You're her granddaughter! And this is your family! And if you don't try to stand up and help hold things together with the rest of us now, then you've betrayed us for sure! Now get in that Floo and help Grandad cook some dinner!"
Pandora had taken an age over pulling on her shoes and doing up her laces whilst Imogen had dashed upstairs in search of one thing or another. Then Imogen had appeared back in the hallway and before she could look up Pandora found something woollen being thrown around her neck.
"Dad used to joke with Mum when they were at school," Imogen had recalled as Pandora had straightened up. "He'd let her borrow his school scarf, he said, but only because he thought she was brave enough to be a Gryffindor too."
Upon inspection Pandora had found a scarf of black and yellow stripes hung around her neck, and as she had peered down at the crest of Hufflepuff House stitched neatly upon the garment Imogen had suggested:
"In which case I'd give you my school scarf, Pan. Because I know my little sister. And I don't care if she thinks she's some sort of ghastly traitor. I know she's perfectly loyal. She'd be a Hufflepuff too." And with that she'd ushered Pandora over towards the fireplace, paused to give her a bone-crushingly tight hug that reminded Pandora of the first day of September when she had been eleven and Imogen had been off to Hogwarts without her. Just like that day, once she had knocked the breath from Pandora's lungs, Imogen had bundled the squib off to her grandparents' house without another word.
Pandora fiddled absentmindedly with the threads at the bottom of the scarf, twisting them tightly together as she stared down at the badger upon the crest, only for the clattering of pots and pans in the kitchen to jolt her back to the present. She scrambled to her feet and hurriedly shuffled after her grandfather into the kitchen, making a beeline for the kettle.
"Tea, Grandad?"
"Sorry?"
"I said: Tea, Grandad?"
"Oh! Yes. Yes please, Sweetheart."
"Shall we have some bread with our soup?"
"Not for me, but you help yourself."
"Are you sure?"
"Oh yes. I'm not terribly hungry."
"How was Nana this afternoon?"
"Nana? Oh, better I think. A little better."
"Any news about her leg?"
"Not precisely, no. But I imagine if they were going to do something drastic they'd have done it by now."
"Yes, I suppose...sugar?"
"Sorry?"
"Sugar for your tea?"
"No, not today thank you."
Once they had taken seats around the table some minutes later, Pandora wondered:
"Where's Valbona? She's not been here for days!"
"Oh she's here there and everywhere, I think." Remus said as he took a sip of his tea. "She's been up at the Ministry for questioning, out looking for Rovena and then of course she's been back and forward contacting the Albanian Aurors Department...they're not terribly pleased she's taking extra leave without warning. She's decided to stay at the Leaky to keep a close eye on the investigations, but she's called in on Nana every morning."
"You should ask her for dinner, Grandad." Pandora said, recalling that on the brief moments they did have together Teddy kept anything he did know about the investigation entirely to himself. If Valbona knew anything, Pandora imagined she'd have a far looser tongue.
Remus possibly didn't think much of this idea for he chose to change the subject.
"What have you been doing with yourself today, hm?" he asked as Pandora dunked a slice of bread into her soup. "Whilst I was at Mungo's."
"Nothing." Pandora mumbled, and this was indeed an accurate assessment of the day's activities.
Her grandfather frowned deeply, causing the glasses to slip a little down his nose. He reached to pull them off and abandon them upon the table so that he could rub his eyes.
"You don't seem to bother doing much at all, these days." he observed worriedly, and Pandora huffed irritably.
"It's only been four days, Grandad!"
"I know, I know. But when was the last time you saw Lizzy and Claire?"
"It's Libby, not Lizzy."
"Indeed. But wouldn't you like to see them? You could go to the pictures or do some shopping..."
"Shopping for what?" Pandora asked dully, and her grandfather looked bemused and confessed:
"I wasn't aware young ladies needed a specific item in mind to warrant a trip!"
Pandora supposed he probably had a point.
"I don't know, Grandad." she mumbled, abandoning her spoon in her soup with a sigh and sitting back in her chair, nose wrinkling a little. The smell of food seemed to be making her feel rather sick. "I don't really feel like it..."
Remus murmured something no doubt encouraging, but Pandora didn't hear him. She was suddenly preoccupied by the abrupt bout of queasiness that had washed over her and before she knew it she found herself hurriedly rising to her feet.
"I'm just going to...to use the bathroom..." she mumbled hurriedly, trying not to gag as she felt the unmistakable rise of vomit in her throat, and with that she dashed to the bathroom before Remus could say a word, barely managing to slam the door shut and fling the toilet seat up before emptying the contents of her stomach.
She still felt rather sickly when she went to bed that evening, but made no mention of it at all to her grandfather. If she had a stomach bug, Pandora supposed, she'd keep it to herself. Remus didn't need anything extra to worry about, that was for sure. After all, it would no doubt pass...
She was sick again early the next morning but still resolved to keep her apparent illness to herself. By the time she had washed and dressed she arrived in sitting room to find Remus sat at the little table by the window, sharing a cup of tea with somebody unexpected.
"It's only a matter of time," Teddy was saying as he ran a weary hand through his dishevelled hair. "In fact I'm surprised they've not made the connection already!"
Remus sipped at his tea, his expression distinctly grim, and Teddy sighed and murmured:
"There'll be no end of drama when they put two and two together."
"There's no doubt." the werewolf agreed solemnly.
Teddy let a hand slap down upon the table, making his silent observer in the sitting room doorway jump.
"How could this have happened?" he asked his father miserably. "How could I have...have let this happen?!"
"Nobody saw this coming, Ted." Remus assured him, reaching to pat the Auror comfortingly upon the arm, only for Teddy to scowl, very nearly shouting as he declared:
"Well I should have! I'm her father!"
"Yes...that's what all fathers no doubt think." Remus reached to pour his son a fresh cup of tea, commenting: "But it's no mean feat, this parenting business. They don't give you any sort of handbook and it wouldn't matter even if they did. Something will always happen that you didn't think of even in your wildest dreams. I once woke up one morning to discover your cot empty and you swinging from a light fitting by the few remaining threads of your baby blanket! To this day I have no idea how you got up there..."
Teddy managed a chuckle that quickly descended into a groan. Peering up at his father through a fringe of caramel coloured hair, he reached to wrap his hands around his steaming mug of tea.
"Did you ever feel as if...as if you were failing? As a...as a parent?"
Remus gave a soft huff of amusement as he gazed at his son over the rim on his cup.
"Frequently." he said, raising an eyebrow, and his lips twitched towards a grin as he confessed: "But of course I look at you sitting here in front of me now and think...it probably could have gone worse!"
Teddy managed a dull snigger and the werewolf sobered, again reaching to press a hand to the Auror's arm.
"What's done is done, Theodore. There's no use dwelling on it, that certainly won't do you or Pandora the slightest bit of good. What she needs now is for you to do the same as you've always done for her..."
"What's that?" Teddy wondered dully, and Remus' grip upon his arm tightened.
"Your best, Teddy. Do your very best for her and she'll thank her lucky stars she was born to father like you! But you must let what happened pass and look ahead. You must have a plan for when the time comes. Because you're right, when they identify her, and there's no doubt they will, you want her out of the way of the press when it gets splashed all over the headlines..."
Pandora felt the colour draining from her face and she reached to grasp hold of the doorframe to steady herself at the mere thought, and Teddy wondered:
"What should we do?"
"That would be between yourself and Carrie."
"Yes but...but what would you do? What would you and Mum have done if...if I were in Pan's shoes?"
Remus had taken a fresh gulp of tea and given a shrug.
"Well when something unpleasant gets found out in any situation like that and you've a child involved, Ted, you've only really two options available to you: Fight or flight. You can stand your ground and weather the storm, or you can take the less traumatic but inconvenient option and run for the hills. I think you know full well which option your mother and I would have chosen, we did it often enough."
"The thing is, love," Carrie informed Pandora some two hours later as they sat with Teddy and Imogen around their dining room table, Imogen busy drowning a bowl of cornflakes in milk. "Dad and I have thought long and hard about this, and we really think it's for the best."
Pandora simply stared.
After an age she managed to utter:
"You want me to...to go into hiding or something?"
"Not hiding, no." Teddy said as Imogen frowned deeply at the sugar she was sprinkling atop her late breakfast. "Just...somewhere safe."
"Safe?" Pandora echoed, still feeling as if this was all rather drastic. She thought of Dora's encounter with the snotty nosed journalist in Diagon Alley the day Valbona had confronted Rovena for the first time. This all seemed rather extreme...
"Journalists are like fleas, Pan." Imogen announced through a mouthful of cornflakes. "They're bloody irritating and they get on your nerves and never give you a moment's peace!"
"Precisely!" Carrie agreed, "We don't want them to bother you, that's all! It'd ruin your summer if they were camped outside the house all day every day..."
"Is that going to happen?" Pandora asked, beginning to feel alarmed, and she frowned when Teddy scowled and said:
"Obviously not, Sweetheart. Do it for me, won't you? You can stay at Nana and Grandad's, that'd do the trick and you like staying there, you're practically living there already! Grandad's agreed he'll stay home with you as soon as the healers have come to a proper decision about Nana's leg."
"You can help Grandad look after Nana when she gets out of hospital." Carrie pointed out keenly. "She'll be out within a week or so with any luck!"
Pandora didn't like the idea of staying at her grandparents' house for such a long period of time. Quite frankly she already struggled somewhat in the evenings being alone with her grandfather.
Because unlike all of her other relatives, Remus had yet to voice any real opinions or feeling about the dreadful revelations that had followed the article in the Daily Prophet.
And Pandora was certain he'd continue to hold his tongue.
His silence was painful. His refusal to even mention her dire confessions was driving Pandora mad with worry.
Because she had to know. She had to know how he felt, what he thought of her, if he felt ashamed...
And there would be nothing worse in the world, Pandora thought, than to have her ever-loving grandfather think so badly of her. Remus was the one person whose disapproval or disappointment Pandora could not stand, and his silence was letting her imagination run wild and drag her down low. Because if he was disappointed in her, if he did in any way blame her for what had happened to his beloved wife, Pandora was sure that he would never admit it to her. Not for all the gold in Gringott's.
And he had to be disappointed. He had to be ashamed of her. He had to think so dreadfully of his darling Pandora...
The shame ate away at her every evening, with every smile he gave her, with every small kind gesture he made...
The thought of being subjected to this for full days at a time without break...
Pandora could hardly bear it.
Nevertheless, with the rest of the family ganging up on her she felt as if she didn't really have much of a choice in the matter. She wondered if perhaps she might confront Remus about the whole situation and plead him to break his silence, but quite frankly she didn't have the nerve.
So she did what she felt was the next best thing.
Teddy, who seemingly had a rare morning off from work, took Pandora with him to St. Mungo's to discuss her new living arrangements with both grandparents.
"Any news this morning?" the Auror had asked his mother as he, Pandora and Remus crowded round her bed, and Dora despite her reply Dora sounded unfathomably glum.
"They're not going to amputate." she said, entirely unmoved by Pandora letting out a huge breath of relief.
"Mum, that's fantastic news!" Teddy exclaimed, turning to offer his father a wide grin, and the witch murmured:
"Yes, I suppose it is."
"They say they'll be fitting leg braces this morning." Remus elaborated quietly, and Teddy said:
"Well that'll be good, won't it Mum? It'll be nice to move around a bit at last."
"Yes." Dora agreed blandly, as if she'd rather not bother moving at all.
Pandora decided to use the ensuing lull in conversation to announce:
"I want to talk to Nana about something."
"Go on then, love." the witch murmured, yawning widely, and Pandora hesitated a little before clearing her throat meaningfully.
"I mean...on my own..." she confessed, glancing sideways at her father and grandfather, who exchanged a curious look with Dora before both rising from their chairs.
"Coffee, Dad?" Teddy offered, and Pandora was relieved that they didn't seem bothered enough to question her.
"It's not about boys, is it?" Nana Dora asked dully as she shifted against her pillows. "Because I'm quite done with advice on that front. Ask your mother!"
Pandora wasn't sure whether or not her grandmother was joking.
"Actually it's about Grandad." she said, glancing over her shoulder in time to see the man in question disappear out into the corridor.
"What about him?" Nana Dora wondered, frowning deeply at the notion. "The cottage isn't getting in a state, is it? I didn't think of that...I'll have to ask Ginny or Hermione to pop round and give him a hand with the cleaning..."
"The cottage is fine, Nana. Hermione says Victoire and Rose are around at the weekend to give the place a spring clean if Grandad fancies a hand. Dominique might come if she's back from France and Al says he might have a day off work..."
"Sounds like we've an army of helpers."
"Lily said she'd come over too except she and Hugo are helping James move house, what with the baby due within a few months!"
Dora gave a huff of amusement.
"Who'd have thought it, eh?" she said, gazing up at the ceiling. "James Sirius Potter...settling down and starting a family! That girl of his must be mental..."
Pandora giggled, only to remember where the conversation was supposed to be heading. She sobered and, after fidgeting for a long moment, she asked:
"Has he...I mean has Grandad said...has he said anything about me?"
"Like what, love?" Dora asked, and Pandora wished she wouldn't.
"Like...like how he feels about...about what happened..." the girl asked, and Dora frowned deeply and confessed:
"We've not really spoken about it at much length."
Pandora folded her arms firmly across her chest, her expression disbelieving and her grandmother gave a huff.
"Listen, love, I'm not a Legilimens, I can't tell you what's going on in Grandad's head..."
"But I bet you of all people could guess!"
"I could probably have a stab at it, yes, but I don't really think..."
"Is he disappointed in me?!"
Dora lapsed into silence, reaching to rake a hand through her mousy hair before fixing her granddaughter with a firm look.
"Your grandfather couldn't be disappointed in you if he tried, Pandora." she informed the squib frankly. "If he's keeping quiet it's probably because he's just plain tired."
"Tired?"
"Yes, Pan, tired. That's what happens when your life since childhood has comprised of wars, conflicts, tragedies and a whole host of other unfortunate events. You get old and all of a sudden something new hits you and you find you're just too tired to face it! And what a thing, Pan! If anybody's trouble is going to knock your grandfather off his perch it's bound to be yours! As far as Grandad is concerned the entire world revolves around your sister and you!"
Pandora felt her cheeks growing warm in embarrassment at such a notion and as a trio of healers came trooping into the room, armed with a pair of alarming looking metal contraptions, the sight of which made Dora grimace.
"Daft girl," the ex-Auror muttered, reaching to pat Pandora upon the knee. "Now go on, off you trot love, they'll want plenty of space to fuss over me..."
Despite all Dora had said, Pandora still felt determined to remain at home, and as her father escorted her out of the ward some while later, leaving Dora to struggle to stand up with the braces clamped to her legs, the squib had attempted to persuade her father to change his plan.
"I can't just stay at Nana and Grandad's!" she'd complained as she hurried after Teddy as he strode down the hospital corridor, hands shoved deep into his pockets. "They live in the middle of nowhere!"
"Nobody lives in the middle of nowhere when they're connected to the Floo Network, Pan."
"But what if I want to have my friends round or something?! I can't do that and Nana and Grandad's, you can't stick my muggle friends into the floo!"
As he had reached to push the double doors open at the end of the corridor, heading for the stairwell, Teddy sighed and told her:
"If you want to see your friends I'm sure Grandad can apparate you to Claire's house or into town somewhere."
Pandora huffed irritably.
"So I can't stay in my own house, but it's perfectly fine to let me go wandering around town unsupervised?" she said, and she was about to tell him she thought that ridiculous when he glanced over his shoulder at her and told her:
"The Daily Prophet staff aren't good enough to Divination to know where you plan on going out in the town, Pan. But it doesn't take a genius to look up our home address in the Ministry's records. If you leave from Grandad and Nana's house to go out each day they'll likely have no luck tracing you."
Pandora phoned Claire as soon as she got home, craving the normality of a day out with friends, and they arranged to go and see a film at the cinema that Claire claimed Libby had been babbling about for weeks. After a brief call to Libby it was agreed that the three girls would meet in Eddington High Street the following afternoon and walk to the cinema from there.
She awoke at seven o'clock on the day in question and, finding that for once her grandfather was still fast asleep, decided to make a start on breakfast. Ransacking the fridge she found they were running low on food. Eying the meagre offerings in consideration, she settled on making bacon buttys and threw some rashers of bacon into a frying pan upon the stove. The fat crackled and sizzled cheerfully and for the first time in days Pandora felt truly cheerful. She set about slicing and buttering some bread as the smell of bacon began to waft through the kitchen and out into the sitting room beyond, and Pandora paused in her cheery humming of a tune she had heard blasting from the wireless in Imogen's room the previous day in order to inhale deeply...
Her stomach turned.
Pandora flung the butter knife down upon the table and, without so much as a glance over at the stove, fled in the direction of the bathroom. She had barely slammed the door shut behind her when she felt vomit rising in her throat, and no sooner had she collapsed down onto her knees before the toilet, Pandora Lupin finally admitted something that she had suspected for a while now:
This isn't normal.
Pandora had never experienced an illness like it, to awake feeling so sickly and yet feel fit as a fiddle come time for lunch...
Perhaps, the teenager thought as she stared blankly at the toilet pan, the stench of vomit making her nose wrinkle, she ought say something to her grandfather...
"Pandora?!"
At the sound of Remus' voice, Pandora flinched.
She couldn't say anything to him.
She couldn't.
Because despite her grandmother's insistence that she was dreadfully naïve, Pandora knew precisely what her symptoms would sound like if she spoke them aloud.
Sickness.
In the morning.
Morning sickness.
That was ridiculous. Obviously. Because to have morning sickness, Pandora reminded herself, she would have to be...
"Pandora!" Remus called again, and Pandora screwed her eyes tightly shut and called:
"Yes Grandad?!"
"Would you care to wake me next time you decide to set my house on fire?! I'd like the time to get out before I get burnt to a crisp in my bed!"
Again, Pandora flinched.
"Sorry, Grandad! I was just...using the bathroom!"
"Don't ever leave the stove unattended like that, Pan, it's dangerous!"
"I know! I'm sorry!"
"I hope you like your bacon burnt to a cinder!"
At the mere thought of the smell, Pandora's stomach twisted into a knot.
"I'm not really hungry!" she decided, and with that she flushed the toilet and went to wash her face in the sink. She took a long moment to scowl at herself in the mirror, silently commanding herself to stop being silly and to pull herself together. Then she ventured back in the kitchen to find Remus busy scraping the burnt remains of the bacon out of the pan.
She had thought the trip to the cinema would make things better, make everything normal, make the niggling panic in the back of her mind go away.
And for a while it did.
Claire was the first to arrive outside the pet shop which was their designated meeting point, and Pandora had taken one look at her clunky high heels and denim shorts before promptly sniggering.
"You're going to freeze, Claire!" Pandora informed her frankly, "You know they always whack the air conditioning up in the theatre!"
Claire peered at Pandora over the top of a pair of spindly designer sunglasses for a long moment, expression critical, before announcing:
"It's the SUMMER, Pan! If you don't want to make the most of it, then that's your problem!"
"Well you're not borrowing my jacket if you start getting frostbite." Pandora said, and Claire was about to retort when a loud voice behind them declared:
"I'm NOT late! It's your imagination!"
As a pink-faced Libby came skidding to a halt beside her, Pandora raised an eyebrow.
"Did you run here?" she asked incredulously, and Libby said:
"Shut up!"
"Look innocent!" Claire exclaimed as the three of them turned to set off up the street towards the cinema. "It's the fuzz!"
Pandora's looked around searchingly to spot a familiar looking man dressed in police uniform stood outside the newsagents...
"Is he eating an icecream?" Libby wondered, sounding quite appalled, and Pandora flung her arms up into the air to wave madly at him.
"Uncle Thomas!" she shouted at the top of his lungs, and she and her friends promptly dissolved into laughter when PC Thomas Winters narrowly avoided dropping his cornet down his uniform. Once he had regained control of the wayward frozen treat, he offered his niece a wave and the girls crossed the street to greet him.
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!" Pandora half-shouted in greeting, as was customary amongst all family members who caught the policeman out and about in uniform. "And what's goin' on 'ere then?!"
And, as was customary, Uncle Thomas rolled his eyes.
"Where're you three off to, then?" he asked, taking a generous bite of his ice cream.
"The cinema." Pandora explained, and Claire beamed and announced:
"We're going to see that film with whatshisface in it!"
"Are you?" Thomas said, raising an eyebrow. "Well I'm jealous. Whathisface is one of my all time favourite actors!" And then he dug around in his pocket for a moment before extracting a five pound note, offering it to his niece with the suggestion: "Why don't you get yourselves some popcorn, then?"
It was whimsical gestures like this, Pandora recalled Carrie telling Thomas disapprovingly over dinner some months previously, that led to him frequently having to borrowing money from Uncle Timothy and Auntie Natalie at the end of the month.
Nevertheless Pandora accepted the money with a grin and enthusiastic thanks, and with that the girls headed on up the street with a spring in their step. They chattered and bickered until they reached the cinema and queued for tickets, and as Libby led the way towards Screen Three Pandora's cheer was suddenly shattered.
Claire reached to grasp her by the arm, pulling her to a halt, and as Libby paused to look round at them Claire suggested:
"You go and get good seats, Libs! I'm just going to use the bathroom!"
"Typical." Libby said with a grin. "You've got a bladder the size of a pea, Claire!"
Pandora found herself dragged off towards the toilets and then she found Claire whispering in her ear.
"D'you have a spare one?"
"What?"
"You know...!"
"What?"
"D'you have a spare sanitary towel?! Quick, before I'm caught short!"
"Oh...!" As they slipped into the ladies' toilets Pandora reached to dig searchingly around in her bag. "Should have one here...somewhere..." Feeling her fingers close around the item in question she pulled it triumphantly out of the bag, declaring: "Ta-dah!"
Claire promptly snatched it from her hand, hissing:
"Life saver!"
"Hurry up!" Pandora said as the other girl darted into the nearest free cubicle. "We're going to miss the beginning..."
She stood awkwardly by the sinks, staring at herself in the mirror and fiddling with a loose strand of hair or two, thinking of nothing in particular...
And she suddenly found herself wondering when her next period was due...
...when the last one had been...
...it hadn't.
Pandora felt herself go pale.
The cubicle door was flung open and Claire came dashing over to the seats, letting out a small shriek as the tap she slammed her hand down on promptly soaked the front of her t shirt. Before Pandora knew it she was being dragged back out of the toilets and into the dark theatre, and for the following two hours she sat in the darkness whilst her two friends giggled and laughed at the comedy upon the screen.
And Pandora sat in the very corner of the back row in complete and utter silence, tears making their way down invisible tracks upon her face.
She wouldn't tell anybody.
She couldn't.
It was going to have to be a secret. It was going to have to be a secret forever.
Somehow.
Pandora didn't know how.
But she did know that nobody could ever find out the truth.
Nobody could ever find out she was...
She couldn't think it, let alone say it.
Nobody could ever find out it was because of him.
That she was like this because of him.
That it was his.
Pandora Lupin was going to take this most dreadful of secrets to her grave.
She lasted less than twenty four hours.
Because her fleeing of the kitchen for a second morning running did not go unnoticed by her grandfather, and as she crouched before the toilet yet again, grasping the edges as if she might well fall over if she let go, tears streaming down her face, Pandora very nearly jumped out of her skin to hear a quiet yet alarming knock upon the bathroom door.
"Lala...?" Remus' voice called a little hesitantly from the over side of the bathroom door. "Are you alright in there?"
Pandora gasped in a breath to squeak:
"Yes!"
Her voice was so high and choked that the sound of it made her slump to the floor in panic, and as she curled up into a ball her grandfather asked:
"Are you quite sure, Sweetheart?"
She didn't dare attempt to answer him.
She didn't trust herself. She didn't trust herself to hide from him her shame, her fear, her complete inability to wade through the mass of thoughts and feelings whizzing around her head in order to try and make sense of what was happening, what she should do...
There was a very long silence. Pandora hoped he would go away, and thought perhaps he might have done before he called:
"Can I come in?"
Pandora felt as if her heart was pounding so hard it might leap out of her chest.
"N...no!" she managed, sounding distinctly aggressive, and Remus considered this response for a long moment before wondering:
"Are you decent?"
"Y...yes but..." Pandora clamped a hand over her mouth in panic, silently berating herself for not managing to lie, and before she knew it the lock on the door had clicked undone and the door was swinging open...
And there was her grandfather stood in the doorway, wand in one hand and folded copy of that morning's Daily Prophet in the other. He stared down at her for a long moment, his expression unreadable and she stared up into his warm brown eyes which swan before her through a veil of tears.
Remus calmly stepped further into the room and reached to put both the newspaper and his wand down upon the window cill. Then he examined the toilet unflinchingly, pulled the chain to flush the evidence of her shame away, before putting down the toilet lid. Pandora watched, trembling with tears as he slowly eased himself down to sit upon the makeshift chair. He went back to regarding her in consideration for a long moment, which only made her cry harder than ever.
She screwed her eyes shut and willed the floor to open up and swallow her.
He knew.
He wasn't stupid, he probably had her sussed, he probably knew what was going on better than she did herself...
What would he say?! What would he do?! She couldn't bear to look at him, let alone hear him say a word.
And imagining how her grandfather would feel about the knowledge that his sixteen year old granddaughter had slept with a wanted vigilante arsonist and had subsequently fallen pregnant, Pandora found herself wondering what other people were going to think.
Her mother was going to cry. Pandora could just imagine it, it would be horrible. Carrie would cry and say all those awful little exclamations that would make Pandora feel utterly appalling. Things like: Oh Pandora! Or: My poor, poor girl!
And probably: Oh Teddy! What are we going to do?!
Pandora was certain she'd rather die than tell her father she was pregnant.
She couldn't even imagine how angry he would be. Teddy had inherited his mother's distinctly fiery temper, which, Carrie had once told her daughter, had been far better hidden once upon a time before he had joined the Auror Department. He'd likely say something really dreadful which upon reflection he would regret. Something like: How could you be so monumentally stupid?! Or: Did I honestly bring you up to behave like that?!
And probably: Where did I go so terribly wrong?!
Nana Dora, as potentially fiery as she was, had always grown more mellow wherever her grandchildren were concerned because, she had often explained, being mellow was an obligation of grandparenthood. Nevertheless, her grandmother being a notoriously opinionated individual, Pandora could quite easily imagine all manner of damning thoughts and opinions that would be apparent should Pandora dare to look Dora in the eye.
Imogen.
It didn't matter that Pandora felt her sister could be trusted to keep any awful thoughts to herself. It didn't matter that Imogen would probably be terribly supportive about the entire broom crash of a situation. Because Pandora couldn't help but feel resentful that yet again she was managing to be second best to her sister.
Because this well and truly made Imogen the Golden Child, the family favourite, the one to be proud of...
Pandora simply couldn't bear it!
And Merlin, what were her friends going to say?! Libby would probably scold her and Claire would act as if it were all a huge and terribly scandal...
Which it was.
It was scandalous and shameful and horrible and foolish and it was going to ruin Pandora's life.
Her head buzzed amid the chaos of panicked imaginings and it took Pandora a moment to realise that a hand was gripping her by the arm.
She found herself being coaxed up into a slouched sitting position upon the floor before Remus leant to slide an arm around her shoulders, drawing her towards him. And before Pandora knew it she had her face buried in his lap and she was sobbing uncontrollably and he was rubbing comforting circles into her back, his other hand reaching to smooth her hair.
"Shhh, my Sweetheart." the old wizard whispered soothingly as she found herself clinging desperately to the bottom of his robes. "It's alright. It's going to be alright..."
"Oh Grandad!" Pandora wailed, grasping fistfuls of robes in agitation. "I...I d...don't know w...what to do!"
"There's only one simple thing you need to do, Lala." the werewolf assured her, sounding unfathomably calm, and Pandora drew back from his lap a little to look up at him, desperate to hear the answer to all her woes.
And her grandfather reached to cup her face in his hands, thumbs scuffing the tears from her cheeks as he fixed her with a firm look for a long moment, before simply instructing:
"Trust me."