To say Mrs. Yakumo's office was as eccentric as Mrs. Yakumo herself would actually describe it perfectly. That is to say, it was exactly the type of place I would imagine her spending time in.
A large array of strange baubles and trinkets littered her desk; snow globes, bonsai trees, even what looked to be children's toys made their home on the varnished wood. In fact, there were so many knick knacks scattered about that I genuinely wondered how she even managed to fit paperwork on it. If she were a normal principal I'd have tentatively guessed that maybe these were just things that she confiscated from misbehaving students, but I knew better.
However, the junk on her desk was nothing compared to the contents of the room itself. A life-sized knight's armor with what I could only assume was a genuine halberd stood in the corner. To its right was a dark-colored bookshelf with many elaborate carvings that held not books, but telephones. Yes, telephones, not cellphones, but old rotary ones. I couldn't even begin to guess.
Across from the bookshelf was the gaudiest fur couch I'd ever seen and next to that was a potted plant… whose vines had grown large enough to cover the entire wall. Beside the door to the office was a coat rack, with all of the strange hats Yukari had worn over the years piled so compactly on its hooks that you could barely see the coat rack itself. Across the back wall hung many award plaques, diplomas and photos.
Unlike most people who were proud to display their academic achievements, the diplomas and plaques in Mrs. Yakumo's office seemed to almost be hidden away. What really took center stage were the photos which, predictably, weren't of family or friends or anything a normal person would put up. Instead, it seemed as though Yukari had a penchant for framing and then hanging landscape pictures of the most random places known to man.
A frozen lake, a whittled tree, a flower field, a generic mountain; those were the kinds of photos Yukari had decided were important enough to put up. She even had a picture of the moon on the wall, not any special kind of moon like an eclipse mind you, just a regular full moon. The same moon you would see if you went outside on any night and looked up.
To put it simply, this room was an affront to all forms of normality. I hated it here.
However, at the moment, I wasn't concerned with any of that. Instead, I was still dealing with the fact that my life had fallen apart in the span of just two days.
Remilia and I had been called (actually, it was more like forced) into Mrs. Yakumo's office. We each sat on identical chairs that looked way too expensive to belong in a public school, on either side of her overcrowded desk. I was slouched over in despair with my head in my hands while Remilia sat with her arms and legs crossed, glaring daggers at Mrs. Yakumo. We almost looked like two sides of a coin like this.
Mrs. Yakumo, on the other hand, was leaning against her desk and reading the newspaper Remilia had given me earlier.
"Well, this is concerning," Mrs. Yakumo said in a voice that didn't sound concerned at all. "I had planned to announce Mr. Wakabayashi's… let's say 'tragic accident' at a school assembly later today. However, it seems there are going to be a lot more questions than I anticipated. Perhaps an announcement over the intercom would be suitable?"
Suddenly the door to the office flew open, accidentally knocking one of the hats on the overflowing coat rack over in the process, and Vice Principal Ran Yakumo rushed in. Well, tried to at least, it seemed as though Ms. Ran had temporarily forgotten about her height because she hit her head with the top of the door.
"Ow!" Ms. Ran hissed in pain as she rubbed her forehead. "Second time this week…" she muttered before realizing everyone in the room was staring at her.
Ms. Ran blushed and looked away in embarrassment before speaking. "M-Mrs. Yukari, I just got a call back from Doctor Asakura at Kanousei University, regarding Adam Coates' condition."
I looked toward Mrs. Yakumo, temporarily lifted from my colossal depression. "You called a doctor?" I asked with surprise.
"Multiple, actually. We haven't just been sitting on our thumbs here, you know," Mrs. Yakumo replied. "We've contacted many professionals, mainly those trained in handling magical accidents and injuries. We posed a… hypothetical question of what the chances of successfully removing an unstable, explosive magical item from a person's heart would be. We took care not to mention your name, of course."
"Gee, how subtle, I'm sure no one will ever suspect a thing," Remilia said, sarcastically.
"I know, it's quite ingenious isn't it? I thought of the idea myself," Mrs. Yakumo said with a proud smile, to which Remilia rolled her eyes.
I, however, instantly perked up. "So?! What did they say?!" I asked, excitedly.
Mrs. Yakumo bit her lip. "I'm paraphrasing here but most of them said something along the lines of: 'The person you're describing would be boned.'"
I immediately slouched down in my chair again, groaning as my depression came back in full force.
"Come now, perk up! Perhaps Doctor Asakura has a different opinion, she is one of the best scientists in Gensokyo after all," Mrs. Yakumo shifted her attention back to Ms. Ran. "So, what did she say?"
Ms. Ran fidgeted uncomfortably. "Um… well, she spent about 5 minutes laughing. Then she said and I quote: 'The person you're describing would be boned beyond all belief.'"
I groaned again, loudly.
Remilia huffed. "Oh calm down, it's not the end of the world," She confidently leaned back in her chair. "After all, you'll have the best investigation team in Gensokyo figuring out a way to help you out. Isn't that comforting?" she asked proudly.
I groaned once more, even louder.
"Perhaps I should give you all some privacy…" Ms. Ran suggested. "I'll call some of the other professionals we have on our list and give you a report by the end of the day Mrs. Yukari," she said before turning to walk out.
"Much appreciated!" Mrs. Yakumo called out after Ms. Ran as the door to her office shut. "So Remilia, do tell, how are you planning on fixing this?"
Remilia shrugged. "I don't know yet, obviously. It's only been a day since I heard of this." Remilia put a finger to her chin. "My father keeps many magical tomes and books in his library, perhaps we could find an answer there? It's as good a place to start as any."
Mrs. Yakumo's expression suddenly darkened, as did the room's atmosphere. "I wasn't talking about Adam, I was talking about this." She gestured to the newspaper on her desk, prominently displaying the incriminating photo of Patchouli and I fighting Mr. Waka.
Remilia leaned over and peered at the newspaper. "What's there to fix?" she asked, simply.
Mrs. Yakumo opened her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it. "What's there to fix?! How about the fact that the entire school thinks me and Patchouli fucking murdered Mr. Waka?!" I yelled out angrily.
"That aside," Mrs. Yakumo began.
"That aside?!" I asked, incredulously.
"I think you're both missing the bigger picture here," Mrs. Yakumo continued, ignoring me. "We've already caught multiple students attempting to investigate Mr. Wakabayashi's disappearance. Fortunately, Wakabayashi wasn't exactly the most well-liked teacher, so they didn't get very far in terms of progress. However, should they make enough headway, what do you think they'll discover?"
I thought about it for a moment, then my heart sank as I realized what Mrs. Yakumo was implying. "Oh, right…"
"They'll find out about the artifact in Adam's heart, right?" Remilia didn't seem very fazed.
"Correct," Mrs. Yakumo said. "And should that happen, I'm sure it won't take long for news to spread to your family, Mr. Coates. Or worse, the authorities. Then, you can truly kiss your normal life goodbye."
I sighed and rubbed my temples. "God damn it…"
"Of course, that's nothing compared to what would happen if they found out the Chess Club was partially responsible…" Mrs. Yakumo said in a vaguely threatening tone towards Remilia.
"Uh, wouldn't you be responsible too? Considering you're the principal and all?" Remilia asked with a raised eyebrow. "Anyway, I'm not worried. The simpletons out there will find another story to obsess over in a few weeks, it's how it always goes," she said, hand-waving our concerns.
"Oh? I wouldn't be so sure…" Mrs. Yakumo spoke cryptically.
Suddenly, a gap opened up on the roof behind us, out of which two figures dressed in school uniforms fell, one on their butt and one on their face. A wide array of recording equipment came crashing down on them shortly after.
"Ow! My butt!" One of the students, who had her hair styled in pigtails, complained.
"Urgh! My face! My beautiful, photogenic face!" The other student, who had short black wings sprouting from her lower back, also complained.
"Well, well, well. It seems we have a couple of voyeurs. Shouldn't you be in class Ms. Shameimaru and Ms. Himekaidou?" Mrs. Yakumo asked with barely concealed rage.
As you may have already guessed, Aya Shameimaru and Hatate Himekaidou were the two main reporters for Bunbunmaru, the school's newspaper, the same one that had gotten me into this mess.
Aya was known for being incredibly nosy and persistent in her "research", all for the sake of articles that still had wild inaccuracies 90% of the time in the end. As I mentioned before, she could move quickly, very quickly, but that was as far as my info on her went. For as intrusive as she was, she was very careful about keeping her own secrets close to her chest.
Hatate, meanwhile, was known for hardly ever leaving the newsroom or conducting interviews. Apparently her cellphone was magic and let her take photos without having to actually take them or something. Much like Aya, I didn't really know much about her, despite the fact that she was one of the few youkai who I interacted with on more than one occasion. But that's a story for another time.
"How much did you hear?" Mrs. Yakumo asked.
Hatate immediately shrunk back in fear at Mrs. Yakumo's intimidating glare. "Nothing! We barely got here before you opened the roof up from under us! Anyway, this was all totally Aya's idea! I just wanted to chill in the club room but Aya came in and was all like, 'Hatate, we need to discover the truth and stuff!' Please don't expel me!" Hatate begged.
Aya, however, seemed to be much braver than her cohort. "You bet I did! We know you're hiding the real truth from us, Mrs. Yakumo, and I won't stop until I find it!" Aya announced.
"Wow, the cheesiness of that statement is so thick you could cut it with a knife," Remilia said, nonchalantly.
"Nobody asked you, vampire!" Aya responded angrily, before turning to me. "And you! How dare you break into my locker and steal my things?! I was so distracted picking up my stuff from the floor that I couldn't even cover the rest of the murder!"
"By the way, how does it feel to have taken a human life?" Aya asked, suddenly pulling out a pen and notepad, all of her anger was replaced with curiosity in an instant.
"Well, actually, the person who broke your locker was Patchouli," I replied, boredly.
"That's the part that you deny?" Remilia asked.
"Enough!" Mrs. Yakumo suddenly spoke up. "Aya, what I want to know is why you're so interested in covering this. As I understand it, Mr. Wakabayashi was not particularly popular among the students, correct?"
"Well, yeah. He may have been strict, and mean, and the winner of the 'World's Worst Teacher' award 7 years in a row, and he may have made every female student in the school wildly uncomfortable and… uh, Hatate, what was I talking about again?" Aya asked.
Hatate rolled her eyes, at some point she had taken out her phone and started idly browsing it, apparently no longer afraid of retribution. "Look, you want the truth? This recent issue sold like hotcakes, more so than any other issue of Bunbunmaru to date, and there's nothing else to report on right now. That's why Aya's so interested in digging up more stuff about it."
Aya gave Hatate an angry look. "Hatate! Don't just say that!"
Hatate shrugged before going back to her phone. "Well it's true, isn't it?"
Mrs. Yakumo chuckled. "Well, if that's the case, why don't I give you a new headline for your next paper before I send you to detention?" She menacingly approached the pair of reporters. "How about… 'Chess Club Receives Its Newest Member, Adam Coates'? That'll be sure to drum up some business, hm~?"
"What?!" everybody else in the room yelled simultaneously.
"Is that true?!" Aya asked in surprise.
"Is it?!" I echoed, not even knowing what was happening anymore.
"H-hang on a second! I never agreed to this!" Remilia protested.
Aya's eyes locked on to me again. "I'm sorry for accusing you of breaking into my locker! Can I please interview you later?!" she excitedly asked.
"U-uh… well I…" I stammered.
"You can interview him after you've served your sentence for skipping class, Ms. Shameimaru." Mrs. Yakumo snapped her fingers and two gaps opened up beneath Aya and Hatate, finally sending them away, presumably to detention.
Remilia glared at Mrs. Yakumo. "Explain. What was all that about?"
"Well, you were the one that said people needed to find a new story to forget the old one, right? All I did was provide it," Mrs. Yakumo said with a teasing smile.
"That wasn't what I meant!" Remilia growled. "You can't honestly expect me to let some weak human without any kind of ability join the Chess Club!"
"I agree entirely with Remilia," I stated. "Especially with the 'weak human' part."
"See?! He doesn't even have any kind of backbone to speak of!"
"I agree with that too."
"True. He may lack fortitude, and he may be skittish, apprehensive, standoffish, and extremely paranoid," Mrs. Yakumo explained.
"Okay this is getting kind of mean now, even though it's still true," I complained.
"Yeah, you're doing wonders selling his case here, Yukari," Remilia said, dryly.
"However, he's also careful, observant and informed. Three things the Chess Club desperately needs right now," Mrs. Yakumo pointed out, though I wasn't really sure if I could agree with her.
"What?! But we're all three of those things, and more!"
"Oh, really? What about Mr. Wakabayashi?" Mrs. Yakumo asked.
"We caught him didn't we?" Remilia retorted through clenched teeth.
"No, you didn't. In fact, the actions of the Chess Club not only resulted in his death and significant damage to school property, but you also managed to get a student caught in the crossfire as well." Mrs. Yakumo turned and stared out the window of her office.
"B-but, that was all his fault!" Remilia pointed at me. "If he hadn't gotten in the way, none of this would have happened!"
"I disagree. You had ample opportunity to ensure the artifact was actually in Mr. Wakabayashi's possession before you sprung your trap, yet you failed to take the necessary precautions."
"B-but…"
"In addition, I'm told that it took you weeks of investigation to confirm he even had the artifact and an ability to begin with. What would have happened if he traded the artifact off to whoever he was working for while you were slacking off?" Mrs. Yakumo asked.
"That's n-not…" Remilia stuttered, it was clear she had been cornered.
"I let you start the Incident Investigation Club because I believed you could make a meaningful difference at this school," Mrs. Yukari said.
Incident Investigation Club? Is that what the Chess Club really is?
"However, it's clear that while the Incident Investigation Club possesses some of the most powerful and gifted students at this school, it is severely lacking in actual investigative talent. If the Wakabayashi case had the kinds of results that are acceptable to you, I'll have no choice but to shut you down, permanently," Mrs. Yakumo threatened.
"That's not fair!" Remilia protested. "Besides, I have yet to see proof that Bomb-Boy over here has any of the talents you're describing!"
"Please don't call me Bomb-Boy," I begged.
Mrs. Yakumo hummed, before spinning around and facing me. "This may sound a bit off topic, but as I recall there are two youkai students in your homeroom, correct Mr. Coates? Who's the other one besides Patchouli?" she asked.
I raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about? There are three youkai in my class, Patchouli, Komachi and Satori… ah, crap." I realized I had played straight into Mrs. Yakumo's hand.
"Ah, silly me, I must have forgotten," Mrs. Yakumo gave Remilia a smug look.
"Big whoop, he knows the students in his class, that doesn't prove anything." Remilia remained unconvinced.
"Hm, all right then. Excuse me Adam, I'm having trouble remembering the seating arrangements for your class, where do Komachi and Satori sit?" Mrs. Yakumo asked.
I looked away from Mrs. Yakumo. "I… I don't know…" I had always been a terrible liar.
Mrs. Yakumo frowned. "Adam."
I sighed in defeat. "Satori sits in Row 1, Seat 3, at the front of the class. Komachi sits in Row 5, Seat 6, at the very back. You know, despite that, Komachi always manages to make it out the door before anyone else."
"Oh? Why would that be, do you think?" Mrs. Yakumo asked.
"Probably because she's a massive slacker and hates school." I answered honestly. "She's always on her phone, and has been yelled at for it more times than I can count. Doesn't seem like she cares that much, though, since she keeps doing it."
"Well, anyone would notice-" Remilia started.
"She also wants to be a ferryman… or ferrywoman, I guess?" I continued without thinking, cutting Remilia off. "Anyway, she wants to cross departed souls along the Sanzu River. Kind of a weird career goal, but hey, more power to her. Funny story, she actually brought a scythe to school one time without thinking. Suffice to say, she got detention for it."
"I don't understand. Are you friends with Komachi?" Remilia asked in confusion.
I snorted. "God no, I can't be caught hanging out with a youkai… well, actually I guess that doesn't matter anymore, does it? Anyway, everything I know about Komachi came from other people at school, gotta keep an ear out for rumors to know who to avoid."
"So… you've never even spoken to her?" Remilia pondered.
I rolled my eyes. "Look, Mrs. Yakumo, even if what you say is true and I do have some kind of investigative talent, I have no interest in joining the Chess Club or Incident Investigation Club or whatever it's called. My normal life is already ruined, why should I make it even worse?" I asked.
"Ah, but that's the thing, isn't it? It can't get any worse," Mrs. Yakumo pointed out. "Here's the way I see it, you can either retreat further into your introversion, always being afraid of your own shadow and dreading the fact that your secret could be exposed at any time."
Mrs. Yakumo paused to take a seat at her desk. "Or, you can join the Chess Club, increase its reputation with your skills and earn the respect of your fellow peers. Perhaps, this way, you can regain a semblance of the normal life you crave so much. If not, maybe you can at least find a 'new normal', hm? I and the rest of the staff would continue in our efforts to find a solution to your… 'other problem' in the meantime, regardless of what you choose to do, of course."
"I get the feeling you just want me to stop being a loner," I guessed.
Mrs. Yakumo giggled and looked at Remilia. "I told you he was perceptive. So, do we have a deal?"
Remilia sighed. "Well, considering it's either this or getting shut down… fine, I'll allow Adam to join the Chess Club."
Remilia turned and stared at me with those glowing red eyes of hers, filled with an emotion I couldn't quite place.
"You'd better not disappoint me, human."
"I probably will, vampire," I said with a shrug, much to Remilia's ire. "But I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. Mrs. Yakumo's right, even though it sounds like a long shot, I have nothing left to lose at this point."
"It's settled, then. Adam Coates is officially part of the Chess Club!" Mrs. Yakumo announced. "Ah, I should get the paperwork ready… actually, I'll do it later."
I silently prayed that my imminent death would at least go by quickly and painlessly.