AN: Is this chapter ridiculously long again? Yes, it is. But I all the pieces are moving towards the big climax. :D
We get a lot of Titans this chapter and Nightwing is working through some issues which feels like his default state. Also, a lot of Bruce. I feel like we see a bit of everyone this chapter (except Wally who is quietly licking his wounds in Fawcett and looking through photos of Nightwing on his phone. These two are killing me even if they aren't the focus of the chapter.)
Warning for: Self-harm. Nightwing is going through it.
28. The Trolley Problem
Donna found the Titans on the Watchtower. They had been given temporary rooms with none of them having anywhere to go. Especially Starfire was far away from home.
Donna felt bad for them. Luthor had preyed on people who could vanish without anyone asking questions. Donna had never been part of that plan but she was glad that her snooping had made her a curveball in Luthor's schemes. She would continue to annoy him as much as possible.
The interview with Lois would be their crowning achievement. It would show Luthor that he had made a mistake when he had messed with the Titans. Donna told the others about the planned interview. They had met up in the Watchtower dining room seated at their own table.
"Are you in?", Donna asked.
"Of course, Luthor will fall", Starfire's hand was clutched around her fork as if it was a weapon.
She got an angry look about her at any mention of Luthor.
"You don't mess with Beast Boy and get away with it", Gar said with his usual bravado.
"I don't know", Victor said, "Luthor is a big deal."
"Come on, Vic", Donna said, "You already hacked into his accounts. You were onto him before any of us."
"And I got burned for it, Wondie. Maybe I should just keep my head down and get out of here."
"We are with you, Victor", Starfire said, "You are not alone this time."
"I didn't take you for such a coward, Stone", Gar said.
"I'm not a coward", Victor gritted his teeth, "I just know how to count my losses."
"We did not lose", Starfire said, "We destroyed Luthor's facility and freed the Talons."
"And we were damn good at it", Gar added.
"I have to admit that it was satisfying to hurt Luthor like this", Vic said.
"Wouldn't you like to do it again?", Gar said, "Finish him off? This is the final level, Vic, and Luthor is the boss. You don't bow out before the final level."
"Only you would explain this to me in video game terms."
"Is it working?"
Vic sighed: "When are we doing this interview?"
Gar clapped Victor on the back. The table cheered. They earned some curious glances from the handful of Leaguers who were eating their lunch.
"Wonder Woman is contacting Lois. I'll hear from her soon", Donna says.
"Are we not missing someone?", Starfire asked.
"I was hoping you'd help me talk to him", Donna said.
"Should we even ask Nightwing? He isn't really America's sweetheart. Having him with us could destroy our rep", Gar said.
Donna sighed. She thought of the media onslaught that had been running ever since Luthor had brought Nightwing up again. A scandal connected to the Justice League had been the hot story. Every wannabe was digging into Nightwing's story and gave their opinion on him.
Starfire glared at Garfield: "You cannot believe the slander they are leveling at Nightwing's feet."
"I'm just saying that all these videos are bad. He has a lot of blood on his hands. And we've seen him fight. He is dangerous."
"I am dangerous, too", Starfire balled her fists.
"Kory", Donna put her hand on Starfire's shoulder.
Starfire huffed: "Nightwing risked everything to free us. We cannot exclude him now."
"We won't", Victor said, "We owe him."
"And he's part of this team", Donna added.
"Team?", Victor frowned, "I didn't agree to be on any team."
"What does being on such a team entail?", Starfire asked.
Donna grew flustered: "I was just thinking. Everyone here is a bit directionless."
"And so you want us to fight bad guys like some discount-Justice League?", Vic asked.
"No, we fight bad guys like the Titans", Donna said.
"I'm in. It should be fun. Being a cool superhero team – led by yours truly of course. Fighting the bad guys. Kicking ass, taking names. I've missed being on a team since… you know."
Gar didn't need to say it out loud. They all knew that he had been on the Doom Patrol before. A team that had lost most of its members on a mission including Gar's adoptive parents.
"I want to join this team", Starfire said, "The idea of vanquishing bad guys is very satisfying."
"Less vanquishing and more capturing to keep them from doing harm", Donna said, "Earth heroes don't kill."
"Sure. Capture and not vanquish", Starfire didn't sound very convinced by the prospect.
"So, everyone is in except Vic?", Gar asked.
"I didn't say I'm not in", Victor said.
"So, you are in?"
"Someone has to keep you from becoming green roadkill."
Gar grinned in excitement: "It's going to be awesome. Being a cool superhero team – led by yours truly of course."
"Who says you are the leader?", Victor crossed his arms, "You are the youngest."
"But also the coolest and I have the most experience."
"I am not sure that is true. Nightwing has experience", Starfire said, "Or do I misunderstand what you earthlings define as experience?"
Donna smiled: "No, you are right, Kory. We can hash all these things out later though. We need to ask him if he even wants to join."
"And where is he? He just pulled his ninja-disappearing act on us", Gar said.
"Wonder Woman told me where he is", Donna said.
The Titans stood in front of Wayne Manor. They had opted for civies though that term was relative for them. Amongst them, Donna would be the only one to pass as an average human.
Gar whistled through his teeth: "Impressive but still smaller than the Dayton Estate."
"You've gotta be kidding me", Victor shook his head, "Nightwing is a billionaire?"
"Nightwing isn't", Donna said, "Batman is."
"And the guy says he doesn't have any superpowers, sure", Victor muttered.
Donna rang the doorbell. Steps neared and an elderly man opened the door. Diana had called him Alfred, Bruce Wayne's butler.
Alfred looked delighted: "I assume you are here for Master Nightwing?"
"Yes", Donna said, "We need to talk to him."
"Master Nightwing", Alfred raised his voice, "Your friends are here."
Nightwing entered the hallway: "I not have friends, Alfred."
Donna noted his casual appearance. He had thrown on a hoodie that was slightly too big for him. It was strange to see him in such casual clothes after months of restrictive uniforms.
"Don't be ridiculous, young Sir", Alfred turned to the Titans, "Be a good host and greet your guests. I shall prepare refreshments for them."
"You have a lovely home", Starfire stepped inside.
Alfred lightened up at the remark: "I have been keeping this building in order for over half a century now. No speck of dust shall escape my sight."
"You are doing a remarkable job", Donna said, "Not even the throne room in Themyscira could keep up with this standard."
Alfred hummed in delight: "Your friends are very polite, Master Nightwing."
He turned to the former assassin. Nightwing was standing at the foot of the stairs, seemingly unsure what to do.
"Go along, young sir. How about you bring them up to your room?"
Nightwing nodded at the butler. He went up the stairs without another word. Gar shrugged and followed him. The others followed suit.
"I feel like your servant is ordering you around", Starfire sounded amused.
"He not servant", Nightwing turned towards them at the top of the stairs, "He family. He raise Bruce."
"Bruce", Victor muttered, "It's still weird to know the Batman's identity."
"Wonder Woman entrusted us with it", Donna said.
"If the literal Goddess trusts us with it, we are good", Victor said.
"She is not actually a Goddess. Hippolyta wished for a child and formed her from clay. The Goddesses only imbued her with their power", Donna said.
Gar shrugged: "Tomato, tomahto."
They went through a long hallway, passing multiple doors.
"Does Batman sleep here somewhere?", Gar looked around in curiosity.
Nightwing stopped in front of a door: "Batman not sleep."
"I knew it", Gar grinned.
Nightwing tilted his head: "It joke. He have room next door. But I not need sleep or eat."
"You need to work on your joke delivery, man", Gar said.
"Or you need to work on understanding jokes", Vic threw in.
The Titans laughed while Gar huffed.
Nightwing opened the door: "It a bit messy."
That was an understatement. Donna looked at the darkened windows and the clothes strewn around the room. A cocoon of blankets laid on the bed.
"Dude", Gar asked, "Are you a vampire?"
Nightwing opened the curtains: "Not really. I just-"
He broke off.
"What?", Starfire sat down on the office chair with a regality of a princess.
"It not important."
"You should be happy", Gar said, "We finished the mission."
"Yes", Nightwing stared at the wall.
"Dude", Gar said, "You look like you just got dumped."
Nightwing flinched.
Donna frowned. She hadn't seen the signs before, but they were obvious now that Gar had brought it up. Nightwing looked like he was having a hard time keeping it together. The nerdy hoodie that obviously wasn't his, the gloomy room, Alfred's delight at their visit.
It was hard to reconcile the image of the obedient Talon with someone who was dating. Donna had to remind herself that she had only seen what amounted to a cover for months.
"Holy shit", Gar made a little victory dance, "I guessed right."
Donna and Starfire glared at him.
"Now, that she's available, can I see a picture?", Gar asked.
Victor slapped the back of Gar's head: "Be respectful, you idiot."
Nightwing sat down on the bed.
He looked like he was about to cry: "He better off without me. He too good for me."
"He?", Gar asked.
Nightwing frowned.
"I don't have a problem with it", Gar replied quickly, "You do you, man."
Nightwing bit his lip: "You here for talk?"
Donna sat down on the bed next to him: "We are going to speak out against Lex Luthor and set the story straight."
Nightwing tilted his head, seemingly calming down now that they were talking business: "Good."
"So, you're in?", Donna asked.
"No", Nightwing stood up and walked towards the window.
His back was to them. Nightwing's fingertips dug into his palms. It looked painful.
"Do you not wish to vanquish Luthor?", Starfire asked.
"I want see him down but involve me bad idea", Nightwing said, "I only drag you down."
"That's exactly what I said", Gar interjected.
The others opted to ignore him.
"That's bullshit", Victor said, "You saved us."
"I work in shadows. I not… talk", Nightwing shook his head, "Not good at talk."
"Maybe you should talk", Donna urged, "Everyone is misunderstanding you because they don't know you."
"People not want get know me and understand why."
"Look", Starfire said, "We are – as Donna said – a team. You are a part of it."
"You regret allow in. I destroy my last team."
"You got issues, man", Gar said.
Nightwing turned around to them: "I realistic."
Starfire's face fell: "The team is not complete without you."
"I not can. I sorry."
"You just don't want to", Gar crossed his arms.
"You right. I not want to", Nightwing narrowed his eyes at Gar.
"We won't push you", Donna said, "Just know that we would appreciate it if you came to the interview and joined the team."
Nightwing stayed quiet. He seemed overwhelmed.
A knock against the door. Alfred entered with a tray of freshly-baked cookies and tea.
"How did you just make these?", Victor asked, "We've barely been here."
Alfred winked: "A good butler never reveals his secrets."
Gar reached for a cookie and bit off a large piece.
He said with his mouth open: "Holy shit. These are so good."
"Thank you, Master Garfield", Alfred said, "Though I would appreciate it if you could keep the crumbs in your mouth and the profanity out of it."
Gar looked at Alfred with incredulity. Victor boxed against Gar's shoulder. He laughed. The rest of the Titans soon joined in.
"I like your friends", Alfred turned to Nightwing, "They are good for you."
Nightwing smiled in a tense way. He seemed absent, as if his thoughts were running thirty miles per hour. He turned back to the window.
Donna stepped up next to him. Behind them Kory, Gar and Victor were talking among themselves, laughing about something Kory had said.
"I not expect you come here", Nightwing scratched the back of his neck.
"We wouldn't just forget about you."
"You not worry because you see videos?"
"We know you", Donna said, "Gar is voicing his doubts because that's what he's like. But we are all with you."
Nightwing tilted his head: "Even if not join team?"
"We're still your friends", Donna said, "I'd love it if you joined. But I'm not going to force you. I can't imagine how much pressure you were under during that mission. It's understandable if you want to sit this out."
Nightwing smiled to himself. It was hesitant, but genuine.
"I'm just curious. Why do you not want to speak up? Are you scared of Luthor? It's not like he can't taint your reputation any more."
Nightwing winced at the last statement.
Donna corrected herself: "I didn't mean it like that. It's just that you can only win by speaking up. You are obviously unhappy now."
Nightwing folded his hands behind his back: "I never speak out about anyone. Most my life they teach me what I say not matter. That I not allow say anything and that no one believe if do."
"That's not true. I believe you. Other people can, too. We have all the evidence on our side. Luthor's defense is a smokescreen and it's only a question of time until people see that."
"I not deserve."
"Why?"
"You not see videos, right?", Nightwing asked, "Of leak?"
"I did", Donna had watched all of them this morning.
She needed to be prepared for anything Luthor could use against them. The sight had made her throw up at one point. It had been too much to bear.
"Then you know. I not some perfect, little victim. I can be monster. I deserve all this hate and pain."
Donna scoffed: "If only perfect people deserved compassion, then no one would ever get any."
"I hurt so many people, Donna."
"And you were hurt byso many people. You deserve justice, too."
"I try resist but I too weak. I break and I kill for them."
"So, you deserve all this because you broke?"
"Yes."
"Anyone would have broken. Diana told me what these Talons survived. I saw it some of it with my own eyes."
"But not anyone. I do. I do all this and I lose my… how you call it?", Nightwing pointed at his chest.
"Soul?"
"Yes. I lose it and it hurt. Not can get it back. Some things you not can come back from. You not deserve anything after, only pain and try your best atone you not can atone for."
"That's a very archaic interpretation of justice."
"It true."
"And what does any of this achieve? You aren't killing anymore. On the contrary, you are saving people – hundreds of people. What does your self-punishment achieve?"
Nightwing stayed quiet.
Donna raised her voice: "It's pointless suffering – not justice. Justice is supposed to make people see the errors in their ways - to change them for the better so that they won't hurt anyone ever again. You never wantedto kill people and you were coerced as a child. Not to mention that you already changed. Punishing yourself doesn't help anyone. It doesn't lower suffering. It only increases the amount of suffering in the world because you are hurting."
Nightwing tilted his head, looking at Donna in interest. Donna found herself taken aback by his intensity, but she stood her ground.
"You sound like Wally", Nightwing said after a while.
"Your boyfriend?"
"Ex."
"He sounds like a smart guy."
"He the best."
"Why did you break up with him then?"
"He dump me because hate myself too much. Hope he happy without me."
"I bet he isn't."
"He just get rid of so much baggage", Nightwing shook his head, "Good for him."
"He just lost someone he loves. Your self-hate isn't just hurting you."
"I know."
"How can it be justice then?"
Nightwing stayed quiet.
"You don't have an answer because deep down you don't believe in this idea either. That you are supposed to burn. It's just more of that same-old conditioning in your head."
Nightwing seemed very transfixed by the tree in front of his window suddenly. He avoided looking at her.
Donna insisted: "I know you can shake your conditioning. You showed me when you defied the Conductor."
"You take down."
"You still defied him", Donna put a hand on his shoulder, "I don't expect you to change your mind now. Just think about it. Like I said: I'm not pushing you."
Nightwing looked at her with deep admiration in his eyes: "You so good, Donna. You real hero."
His compliment made Donna fluster. She would believe that he was flirting with her if it came from any other guy. But there was a sweet genuineness about him that Donna had never encountered before.
Donna smiled: "I never considered myself one, but I feel like I might have a shot."
"You already be."
Donna chuckled at his enthusiasm: "Heroes have names and costumes."
"You not have name?"
"Nope. There was a time I went by Wonder Girl – or at least I tried."
Nightwing looked Donna up and down, sizing her up: "No. It just as bad as Kid Flash now."
"Kid Flash?"
"Wally code name. I just call Flash. I not call the adult man I sleep with Kid."
"Very good point", Donna shuddered.
"Troia sounds badass", Gar chimed in from behind.
Donna had long droned out the other Titans, too focused on her conversation with Nightwing. She turned back to them.
"You mean the mystical city that fell in flames?", Donna said, "I'm sure that inspires respect in people."
"I mean our team is named after old Gods that fell", Victor said, "It would be on-brand. You can also view it as that city defending itself against years of onslaught. That's pretty cool."
"It is", Donna grinned, "It does have something. Anyone got any experience in rad costume design?"
"You on your own with that, Troy", Victor said.
"What's your superhero-name?", Gar turned to Victor, "I still have my old one – Beast Boy. Starfire had it easy. And you?"
"Some people in college gave me a hard time after the accident. They called me Cyborg. I like the idea of reclaiming it", Victor said.
Gar grinned: "Is someone getting into the whole superhero-idea?"
"Maybe a bit", Victor admitted, begrudgingly.
Gar kept teasing him about it. Nightwing allowed himself a quiet laugh next to Donna. He joined in on the teasing. Donna was surprised to see him so open. Nightwing was a puzzle that slowly unraveled itself to Donna. It felt nice to get to know him for real after he had kept most of himself hidden during the undercover mission.
"So, you dated Kid Flash?", Gar stared at Nightwing.
"Why so strange?"
"I'm just trying to imagine it. Your broody, mysterious ninja-self with that speedster guy."
"Wally have type. He date Artemis before."
"The hot, blonde chick who used to be Green Arrow's sidekick and is more than a bit scary?", Gar's eyes widened, "She was with us at the League-meeting."
"Yes. She friend."
Victor teased: "She joined in on the fight and saved our asses in the end, but you missed it because you were too busy sleeping."
"Ahhh man", Gar shook his head, "I wish I could have seen that. I totally would have gone up to her and swept her off her feet."
Nightwing laughed at the image: "You can try. Artemis have mean hook though."
Gar wiggled his eyebrows: "So, is it true what people say about speedsters? That they are quick – if you catch my drift?"
Donna was scandalized: "Gar. That's a very inappropriate question to ask."
"I'm curious, too", Vic said.
"Wally quick but he recover quick again and he can vibrate. He amazing", Nightwing plopped down next to Gar and Victor on the bed.
Donna was surprised how casual he was about it. He was becoming more open with them but Donna still couldn't pin him down.
"That does make for a very proficient lover", Starfire chimed in.
Donna hid her face in her hands: "I can't believe you people."
"Come on, Wondie. We're under friends", Vic said, "Loosen up. I bet you've got some stories yourself."
Donna stayed quiet.
"You don't always need to be serious, Donna", Starfire smiled, "On my short time here, I've found earth customs far too restrictive. Life is meant to be enjoyed when we can."
Donna sighed: "Fine, but don't judge me."
"We not", Nightwing said.
Vic scoffed: "No one here is in a place to judge anyone. I'm half tin-can and the idiot next to me is green."
Donna grew even more flustered: "I had a crush on my college professor once. I used to have these daydreams about us that we would get married and have a kid and all that jazz. It was stupid."
Victor shrugged: "That's not too out there. Who hasn't had a crush on their teacher?"
Gar nodded: "Fair enough."
"You go college?", Nightwing asked.
Donna was surprised by the responses. She had expected some relentless teasing for the crack she had exposed. Her years as a diplomat had shown her that any flaw in the perfect façade could be exploited.
"Yep", Donna said, "Courses in diplomacy and history with photography on the side. I did the first two to prepare for my position as an Amazonian ambassador. The camera was my passion project though."
"Cool", Vic said, "So, you are an artist?"
"I wouldn't call myself that."
"Oh, how delightful", Starfire looked excited, "You need to show me your art one day, Donna. It reminds me of home. We used to have art expositions at the palace."
"What's your home like?", Victor asked.
Starfire glowed as she told them about Tamaran. Donna wished she had her camera so she could capture Kory in this moment of passion. Instead, she reached for another cookie.
Donna was glad she had found these people – her friends. It felt like she could do anything with them – even speaking out against one of the most powerful men on the planet. She just wished Nightwing would feel the same way.
Jason entered the bar he had first met Themis at. It was still largely empty in the afternoon, the customers quieter and more secluded than rowdy. Jason recognized Themis at the bar. He went up to her.
Her expression darkened when she saw Jason: "Look who finally made it to come see little old me."
"Don't be so dramatic", Jason ordered a beer from the bartender, "I just saw you yesterday."
"How is your family?", Themis took a long sip from her beer.
"A disaster but N has some friends over and they are making him feel better", Jason said.
Themis still looked annoyed, but she didn't say another word.
"Let's go", Themis pulled him into the corner booth, "Now, that you are here I can finally tell you my plan."
Jason sighed at her irritation. It was exhausting. But he grabbed his beer and followed her.
"I can't just work on the mission 24/7. My family is important", Jason said.
"More important than justice for Gotham? We are talking about millions of people here."
"Of course, not", Jason said, "The mission comes first."
"Nice to know you have your priorities in order, Red Hood", Themis said.
"Stop with the guilt trip. I'm here and I'm ready to end all these bastards."
"Good", Themis said, "We're going after Arkham Asylum."
"That's your revolutionary plan?", Jason scoffed, "Happens every month here."
"But no one with my powers has ever done it", Themis said, "We're taking over the asylum and we're going from cell to cell passing judgement."
"Passing judgement?"
"Easy", Themis said, "I'll use my power on the inmates and if they die from all the pain, they have inflicted then they deserve it. If they don't, we'll let them live for now."
Jason nodded. It sounded like a good plan. A fair plan that would rid Gotham of the truly irredeemable monsters.
Jason said: "How are we taking over the asylum?"
"You are the Red Hood", Themis said, "I was hoping you would be helpful, but I also got some toys from my contacts to help us on the way."
"And your sister's murderer? I expected you to go after him first."
"He'll be there", Themis' expression darkened.
"You still haven't told me who it is."
"You'll see."
"You aren't being honest with me considering we are partners."
"And you aren't giving your whole to the mission considering we are partners", she glared back.
"Fine", Jason said, "I'll show you how devoted I am to this mission."
He took a generous sip from his beer. Time to do this.
"You want to get into Arkham Asylum?", Jason said, "The sewers are your best bet. Killer Croc escapes through them all the time."
"We get in through the sewers", Themis said, "We need to hijack the asylum's security system to keep the guards out and give us all the time we need. My benefactor gave me some tech we can use to do that."
"Handy. ARGUS does have some nice toys", Jason said, "You're overlooking something though: Batman."
"We can't have him there. He'll screw everything up", Themis said, "But you live with him. That gives you opportunities."
Jason bit his lips. He knew what Themis was implying. It would be easy to smuggle some sleeping pills into Bruce's drink and take him out for an evening. He wouldn't expect it at home from one of his kids.
It would betray the unspoken rules they had between them – the division between Jason and Bruce, Red Hood and Batman. Bruce would never trust Jason after this. But the division had always been an illusion anyway.
Jason couldn't murder a warehouse full of human traffickers one night and come home to make nice with Bruce. The man would break eventually. He already had and he would again. The vigilante-shit would always catch up to their family life no matter how much they pretended that it was separate for their collective peace of mind.
"I don't know", Jason said.
"Come on", Themis urged, "If we succeed, we can take out all of Gotham's criminals with one strike. Imagine how safe the streets will be. No gangs. No crazies in costumes. Batman should thank us on his knees for that. It's just one evening. It won't hurt him."
"He'll never see it that way."
"Because he is stubborn and caught in his ways. He doesn't even see how ineffectual his justice is. We're doing him a favor."
Jason sighed and took another sip from his beer. He couldn't stop drinking, feeling trapped suddenly. Jason downed it all, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
"Your gang?", Themis said, "They are all dead because Batman didn't do what was needed. He let that clown run loose. He lets so many irredeemable psychopaths just murder their way through town. Those bodies? They are all on him."
Jason thought of Cobb – the monster who had made N's life complete hell. He would never have changed, and he would always have terrorized Nightwing. Some day he would have gotten loose. They had been lucky to defeat Cobb once. Maybe they could have done it again. But a third time?
No, Cobb would have gotten Nightwing eventually. Jason could imagine it vividly. Cobb killing Nightwing, this sick obsession burning in his gaze. He would have taken N's corpse, put him on ice and displayed him like some sick trophy. The most important person in Jason's life reduced to this because of the whims of an irredeemable psychopath who didn't deserve to walk the earth.
So, Jason had eliminated that threat once and for all. He was glad that he had done it.
Arkham Asylum was a breeding ground for irredeemable psychopaths. They festered where they should be restrained. But nothing could restrain the sickness they infested the city with. Gotham needed a clean break. One strike that would take them all out.
Jason's shaky relationship with Bruce looked like a small sacrifice for that. It was on crumbling ground. Jason knew it wouldn't last because it had never lasted. They always ended up fighting. Better to make it implode on his own terms and for a greater purpose.
"I'll do it", Jason said.
He tried to forget his latest interactions with Bruce. The way Bruce had reassured him about where they stood. It made him sick with guilt.
Themis smiled: "We'll make it, Hood."
"We'll make it", Jason repeated, to reassure himself.
Nightwing entered the Mountain. Canary had given him temporary permission to use the League's zeta system.
Nightwing disliked being in the Mountain, but Canary had insisted on it. He could see why. She wanted him to come out of his comfort zone. Canary had always taken the aggressive approach when it came to therapy. Nightwing wondered whether other therapists would agree with her methods.
A door in front of Nightwing opened and Conner and M'Gann stepped out. Nightwing froze, feeling a deep need to hide from them. He wasn't eager for another confrontation.
M'Gann's face fell when she saw Nightwing. Conner balled his fists.
"What are you doing here?", Conner asked.
Nightwing's throat felt like it wanted to close itself off, but he forced his mouth open.
"Therapy. Canary order", he was too exhausted to get out more.
"In the Mountain?", Conner asked.
Nightwing nodded.
"I guess she wanted us to meet", M'Gann avoided looking at Nightwing.
"I-", Nightwing opened his mouth.
"Shove your apology where I can't see it. You destroyed this team with all your secrets and lies", Conner said, "We mourned two team members because of you. Our friends – family."
Nightwing bit his lip. To his surprise, M'Gann stayed quiet. She had nothing to add.
Nightwing nodded and moved past them. He felt sick while he passed the hallway with the team's rooms on each side.
Conner's words had been clear. The original Team had known itself long before Nightwing had come along. They had been gracious enough to take him in for a bit. But ultimately, he had been the freeloader who had attached himself to their team and taken it apart from the inside. Nightwing wondered if they regretted welcoming him.
The door to the therapy room was in front of him. He won himself a few seconds by knocking.
"Come in", Canary said.
Nightwing did, closing the door behind himself. He stood there, feeling foreign in the room with its comfortable couches and the eternally running waterfall in the back. It was supposed to be soothing but Nightwing felt like he was under a microscope.
Canary pointed at the couch. Nightwing sat down, chewing on his lip again.
"You reach your goal if you want make me feel bad even before come here", Nightwing said.
He sat across from her on the couch. Canary looked as composed as ever. It reminded him of the time from before the League. That one year Nightwing had been working through his issues but had felt like things were looking up for him. Everything had fallen apart again with the leak.
"I never have the aim to make you feel bad. This is supposed to help you", Canary said.
"Be honest, Canary. You hate me. Everyone do."
Except the Titans and Nightwing's family. Hell, even Themis – a girl Nightwing had never met – despised him on sight.
Canary sighed: "I don't."
"But?"
"I have to be honest. There was a time when I did hate you. I felt betrayed. But I took some time to think and I feel like I understand now and I can uphold enough professional distance to counsel you again."
Nightwing scoffed. He doubted that this followed any official therapy guidelines.
"You look unconvinced. Do you want to talk to someone else? I can find you someone more impartial if you want me to."
Nightwing chewed on his lips again. He couldn't shake the fear that Canary secretly hated him. What if he opened up to her and she was only using this as an opportunity to get into his head? Or for revenge? What if Nightwing saw on TV one day that Canary had gone to the press with everything he had told her?
No. Nightwing's fear was unfounded. Canary was a hero. She was too good to do something so cruel. But what if Nightwing deserved it?
"You are spiraling again", Canary said.
Nightwing glared at her, annoyed that she had caught him. Talking to Canary was scary but the idea that he would get a new therapist – a complete stranger – frightened him. He would need to open up all over again. Explain his situation. But how could Nightwing explain his situation if he didn't even know what his situation even was and wanted to talk about it even less?
He was only doing this for his family and friends. Wally. He needed to hate himself less, so he didn't hurt them. And maybe Wally would take Nightwing back if Nightwing just tried hard enough and didn't screw it up like he always did.
"I not want other person", Nightwing said.
Canary nodded: "How have you been doing?"
"Bad."
"Elaborate on bad."
"Very bad."
"Nightwing, if you want to make progress, I need you to talk to me."
Nightwing's teeth dug deeper into his lips. Canary handed him a tissue. Nightwing wiped his lip carefully, looking at the black drops on the tissue.
Nightwing looked up: "How I know you not… tell other people?"
"Nothing you say leaves this room", Canary said, "The leak is still hurting you, isn't it?"
"Everyone can see my life now. Make judge and see how horrible I be."
"Anyone would be hurt by that."
"How can I get past, Canary? I always hate myself but now everyone else hate me, too, and it make me hate myself more."
"It's a vicious cycle."
"Yes", Nightwing nodded, "In Court, I feel like my life not belong to me. My life literally not belong to me. Then, I get free and I start feel like I can do things. And I can take control and make decisions – especially when meet team and… Wally. But the leak- I back to the start and I not know if can come back again where be before."
"Recovery isn't linear. You are moving forward in key ways – even if you have regressed in others these past months."
Nightwing stayed quiet.
"Lex Luthor is still waging his personal war against you", Canary prompted.
"He use me as scapegoat."
"It's impressive that you can recognize that. You wouldn't have even a year ago."
Nightwing scoffed: "Case of terrible person use less terrible - but still terrible - person for own benefit."
"Why are you a terrible person?"
"Watch any leak video you want."
"The videos that are supposed to portray you as a deranged war criminal leaked by someone with a vendetta against the Justice League?", Canary said, "I'm sure that's a reputable source."
"It not hard portray me as deranged war criminal."
"Sure. If you leave out the years of torture inflicted on you as a child to brainwash you and all the efforts you have made since to make up for what you were forced to do."
"I not that child", Nightwing said, "I kill that child."
"And there it is: We always come back to Dick Grayson - aka you."
"Not me."
Canary turned around and pulled something out behind her armchair. Nightwing froze when he recognized it: The list he had made with his kill- and save-count. Canary held it so that Nightwing could only see the back.
"I found it in your room", Canary said.
Nightwing bit his lip again. He stayed quiet.
"It speaks of a very obsessive personality who loves guilt-tripping himself", Canary looked at the board.
"I not need a therapist for know that."
"It's impressive how many lines you managed to squeeze on here", Canary said, "I did some work and finished your little project."
Canary turned the board around. Nightwing's teeth dug into his lip again and his hands into the armrest of the sofa. He wanted to jump up and leave. Then, he noticed the green lines. They hadn't been there before.
"I added all the people you saved with your undercover mission. The Talons from Qurac. The Titans. The Talons from Luthor's facility. Even the people you fake-assassinated. Hundreds of people. It's very close but you exceed your kill-count by eight people you saved."
Nightwing froze. He was in the plus by eight people? That should feel significant. As if something had changed.
"How does it feel?", Canary asked, "Do you feel like a good person now? The numbers don't lie. Your impact in the world has been more positive than negative."
"I not save the Talons in Qurac. The Amazons do and League. It not count."
"These people were saved because of you. We would never have acted without your intel – as ashamed as I am to admit that. It was you."
Nightwing lowered his head. He tried to analyze these feelings within him. Logically, he should be happy, but he wasn't. He still felt as tainted as ever.
"Be honest, Nightwing: If you had ran into Qurac and personally freed all those Talons yourself, you still would find a way to invalidate the good you did in the world."
Nightwing stayed quiet. He didn't want to give her the satisfaction.
"We always tell ourselves how logical we are. We look at the numbers, the facts. Not emotions. They are for the weak", Canary leaned back, "But it's all lies. It all comes down to emotions – these pesky, little feelings we can't shake."
Nightwing felt himself grow increasingly upset. He wiped blood from his lips again.
"It not work like this, Canary. I in the plus by eight people. Great. What if I lose it tomorrow and I kill twenty? I bad person again? And then I save twelve. I good person again?", Nightwing shook his head, "No matter how many save, the ones kill still dead."
"You are right", Canary said, "We can't weigh up lives like numbers because lives are too precious."
Nightwing nodded. Canary smiled. She always did when she exposed a logical fallacy within him.
Nightwing frowned. He wondered what she had found again.
"You know who weighs up lives against each other as if only the numbers count? Villains do. We heroes are a more sentimental bunch. If Superman has a trolley problem, you don't see him pull the lever. He saves both sides no matter what it costs him."
"I not as good as Superman. I not can save both."
"Nobody is", Canary said, "As heroes have to make choices – choices that hurt. We'd rather sacrifice ourselves than pull the lever. You are the same. You value every life. It makes you a terrible assassin."
Nightwing scoffed: "I a terrible assassin and a terrible hero. Look at all choices I make during mission. I do them because need to – even if hurt."
"That's true. You are willing to cross lines many of us aren't. Some of my colleagues in the League see you as too ruthless for that. I did, too – in the beginning. Then, I understood. You make these choices so we don't have to. You feel like you deserve to make these choices."
Nightwing stayed quiet.
"The question is why you think so little of yourself and I think it comes back to one thing. Can you tell me?"
Nightwing shook his head. He had an idea, but he really hoped he was wrong. He didn't want to talk about him again.
"Dick Grayson."
Nightwing flinched. Canary had hit where it hurt again.
"He's the first line, isn't he?", Canary pointed at Nightwing's kill-count, "The one death that will always weigh the most."
"I kill him. I steal his life. I move his disfigured body around like some sick joke. Every time I wear his face for disguise myself, I feel dirty", Nightwing couldn't keep the hate out of his voice, "I destroy that kid and I mock him with every day I live."
"There it is", Canary didn't smile this time.
Instead, she looked sad.
"I think the key to lowering your self-hate is for you to realize that you are Dick Grayson. You didn't destroy him. Dick Grayson was hurt in a way no child should have been hurt and you are him trying to cope with what was done to you."
"You wrong."
"Why?"
"You wrong."
Nightwing refused to see it any other way. He crossed his arms.
"I won't get anything out of you today, right?", Canary said, "You look tired."
"I feel tired but not can sleep."
"The curse of a Talon."
"Yes."
Canary nodded: "I won't keep you long."
"But?"
"Something has been weighing on me for a while."
"Maybe you need therapy, Canary."
Canary smiled sadly: "I guess I do. I keep thinking about how the League utterly failed you – and the Talons."
"You not need apologize."
"No", Canary leaned forward and grabbed Nightwing's hands, "You deserve the truth because I don't think I can continue to counsel you otherwise."
Nightwing frowned in confusion.
"We told you that the government came up with the restrictions placed on you and that we – the League – had no choice. That was a lie. Batman came up with the restrictions and the League agreed to them. We proposed them to the government."
Nightwing clenched his hands. He felt the phantom weight of the collar around his neck. It had made him feel powerless, alienated. Only escaping had given him back even a sliver of dignity.
"Why?", Nightwing's voice cracked.
He couldn't keep out the utter sense of hurt and violation he felt.
"We had two options: Support you publicly and tell everyone what was done to you or put these restrictions on you and hope that they would satisfy the public. We settled on the latter."
Nightwing's hands tensed further. Canary grimaced as her hand was caught.
"Before you run, let me explain why. I was against it. But we feared that the public would continue to poke through your life and make you feel even more violated. You would have needed to speak out, but you weren't ready for that. You still aren't. So, we just settled on the restrictions and decided to push the blame on the government so you wouldn't doubt us."
Nightwing ripped back his hands. He jumped up.
Canary rubbed her hands, still seated: "It was a mistake. We didn't support you publicly and now Luthor is using you as his personal scapegoat."
Nightwing opened his mouth but found it closed off again. He cursed himself internally. Nightwing had just gotten his voice back, only to lose it again? Pathetic.
'Why you not let me decide?', Nightwing signed.
"We thought you weren't ready. We didn't want to push this extra pressure on you. But we were wrong. You are stronger than we gave you credit for. And in underestimating you, we made the exact same mistake most people in your life have done. We stole control from you."
Nightwing glared at Canary. He wanted to scream at her but at the same time he just wanted to hide in the corner and never say another word again.
'Bruce?'
"He tried to protect you. He failed miserably. We all did."
'He control me.'
"Bruce tends to do that when he is scared."
Nightwing shook his head. He couldn't deal with any of this. He just wanted Wally. He had always felt free with Wally. But Wally didn't want him anymore and Nightwing didn't know where to go.
Jason would have been the next option, but his little brother was planning things with Themis. Nightwing didn't trust her. There was too much baggage attached with Jason currently. Nightwing could feel Jason withdrawing mentally, preparing himself for the mission.
'I not want talk to you anymore', Nightwing glared at Canary.
"I understand. I violated your trust", Canary's face stayed blank, "I can give you a list with other therapists to turn to. They are all specialized within the hero community. You can be completely open with them."
'I not want talk to anyone.'
"Nightwing, you are hurting yourself by closing yourself off."
Nightwing smashed a fist in the wall next to him. It broke through the drywall, coating his fist white. Nightwing felt that some of his fingers were broken. The pain was satisfying. It was release. And Nightwing knew how fucked up that was. He just didn't care. Not now.
'You not know how much it cost me come here today. Trust you. Talk to you. Only for-', Nightwing lowered his hands.
His fingers cracked back into place.
"I'm sorry", Canary looked hurt.
Nightwing swung around and threw the door shut behind himself. He hurried out of the Mountain and zetaed to Gotham's center. When he arrived there, he scaled up the nearest skyscraper he could find and huddled himself in an alcove. He stayed there.
Batman came in the early morning hours when the city was still dark, landing next to Nightwing in the alcove.
"I see the therapy did not go well", Batman said.
'You still have tracker', Nightwing signed annoyed.
"I did find you via the tracker", Batman admitted.
Nightwing growled and started scratching at his arm. He regretted not taking it out before. And he regretted not wearing his clawed gloves today. But they were Luthor's and Nightwing didn't want to wear Luthor's things.
'Give batarang', Nightwing signed.
"We can do this in the Cave in a safe manner", Batman said.
'Batarang or not talk.'
Batman sighed and handed Nightwing a Batarang from his belt. Nightwing dug into his lower arm with the Batarang and teared away at the place where Slade had inserted the tracker. He played with the idea of cutting off the whole lower arm to be sure when Bruce's hand landed on his own.
"That's enough", Bruce's grip stopped him, "I'm sure it's out. You can look later in the Cave. Now, why did therapy make you so upset?"
Nightwing glared at Bruce: 'Why you do this to me, B?'
His arm was mending itself.
"You have to be more specific, chum."
'Canary tell me truth. Government restrictions your idea.'
"I was trying to protect you."
'Protect me or yourself?'
Batman lowered his gaze. He at least had the decency to look ashamed. Nightwing tilted his head, still waiting for the answer. Batman didn't have one.
'You not trust me', Nightwing signed.
"You are right", Bruce said, "I did not trust that you could handle it. So, I tried to shield you from the hard decisions. I shouldn't have done that."
Nightwing frowned: 'No. Not should have.'
"If the last few months have proven anything, then that you can handle everything."
Nightwing's head whipped up in surprise. Batman's compliments always came out of left-field.
'Not everything', Nightwing signed.
He couldn't help but think of Canary's advice and the Titans who wanted him to speak out against Luthor and join their team. Nightwing couldn't do either of those things.
"Jason met his new friend yesterday", Bruce said.
Nightwing frowned at the topic change, but he would always talk about Jason. Batman knew that. He must have some intention with this.
'Not trust. Suspicious.'
"Then, we agree on something", Bruce said, "I looked her up in the Batcomputer, but I couldn't find her. It is as if her records are wiped off the face of the earth."
Nightwing tilted his head: 'Jason tell me Themis sister use be ARGUS-agent. Maybe ARGUS do?'
"I'm not sure", Bruce said, "One thing is sure: Themis has some powerful friends."
'We need test if ARGUS behind this.'
"I thought the same", Bruce trailed off, "You know I'm terribly busy with the city at the moment."
Nightwing shifted on the edge of the building. He thought through the implications of Bruce's statement.
'You want me test?'
"Hood would just be pissed off at me if I mingled again. He takes everything I do the wrong way. Maybe he'll listen if it comes from you."
'He appreciate you very much.'
"It's hard to remember sometimes but I know he does. You're on the case, detective."
Nightwing tilted his head. He recognized what Bruce had done with this pivot. By allowing Nightwing to take such an important case, Bruce had shown him that he trusted Nightwing without a word. Bruce had never trusted Nightwing with a case before, especially not an important one. Nightwing had been more of a support who tagged along before – a sidekick.
This was big.
Nightwing found himself moving closer to Bruce. It felt familiar, working like such a well-oiled machine. He still didn't know how to feel about Bruce hiding something so significant from him. Bruce's decision had restricted Nightwing's life for weeks.
Nightwing had all the right to be angry at Bruce. But still-
'It hard be angry at you.'
"Tell that to half of Gotham who are after my head in either of my identities", Bruce grumbled.
Nightwing chuckled.
"I wouldn't make this decision today", Bruce said, "I was wrong."
Nightwing hummed. He understood the underlying message. Bruce had changed. He was sorry. And Bruce had supported Nightwing on the undercover mission without question. That was worth a lot.
"I originally came here in an attempt to bribe you into coming back home", Batman sighed in a dramatic matter, "I guess I have to take my bribe back."
Nightwing made a sound of protest.
Bruce took a package out of his belt and held it out to Nightwing. His face was unmoving.
Nightwing tilted his head and opened the package. He beamed when he took out the clawed gloves, putting them on eagerly. The claws were silver compared to the gold ones he had worn as a Talon and the palms were blue. Nightwing appreciated that Bruce had made them different. He delighted when he showed the blue palms to Bruce. Bruce's mouth twitched under the cowl.
"Deathstroke gave you your first ones, Luthor your second ones. I couldn't let that stand", Bruce said, "See it as a birthday gift."
'Not have birthday.'
"You should think about that."
Nightwing signed: 'Thank you, B.'
He pulled his mentor into a hug. Bruce stayed stiff. He was a little bit like a petulant cat when it came to hugs. Nightwing didn't mind. He understood. Bruce always tried.
'I need find A-N-G-E-L-A', Nightwing signed, 'Ask what know about Themis. Not believe Themis when say not know her.'
Batman simply nodded and swung to the next rooftop, off to patrol. Nightwing swung into the other direction. Bruce trusted him now. Nightwing was on the case.
Batman returned home at sunrise after a relatively uneventful patrol. It felt like the calm before the storm in many ways. When he entered the Cave, there was a note pinned to the Batcomputer.
Batman took it off, reading:
"Angela in computer. ARGUS put in hiding in Washington. Go visit."
A little Nightwing-symbol was scrawled under the message. Batman allowed himself a small smile. At least, one of his children didn't hate him even if they had come close to catastrophe. Should Bruce be proud of his crisis-management for averting it? He suspected it was more of a case of Nightwing being able to forgive. Otherwise, Bruce's crisis management would be able to mend things with Jason and Damian. But he was failing pathetically in that department.
Batman shook his head and decided to do something he had put off for too long. He approached Deathstroke's cell. The mercenary was sitting on the single mattress inside, smirking at Batman in his infuriating way.
Batman opened the cell: "I am transferring you to the Watchtower, Deathstroke. You should get put to trial soon."
"What a shame. I was enjoying the show. All this little Bat-drama was peak entertainment."
Batman pushed Deathstroke against the wall of the cell and restrained his wrists and ankles. He shoved Deathstroke towards the zeta-tube.
"I was hoping to see your bird again, but he flew out", Deathstroke said.
"You won't see Nightwing ever again. You are going to prison."
Deathstroke snickered: "Suuure, Bats."
Batman sighed: "Did Nightwing ever tell you how annoying you are?"
Deathstroke shrugged: "I told him how annoying he is."
"The leak", Batman said, "You dug up the intel for Luthor. The hostage taker made it public. There is someone missing in that chain. Someone Luthor gave the intel to and who gave it to the hostage taker."
"Luthor is paranoid, isn't he? This whole convoluted mess for uploading something on the internet."
"Who did it, Slade?"
Deathstroke stayed quiet.
Batman lowered his voice: "You broke the agreement you made with Nightwing. You almost killed him, but he still finished your mission. You owe him. So, you better tell me who is the missing link in that chain."
Deathstroke frowned: "If I knew, I would tell you, Bats."
Batman growled.
"I really don't know. Luthor is a paranoid man, and he didn't trust me after I returned to the Light - for good reason", Deathstroke chuckled, "Maybe he's not that paranoid after all. I only know that this mystery person is after Nightwing."
"If you are not telling me everything, then-"
"You may not believe me, but I don't actually want the bird dead."
"You could have fooled me after you tried to kill him in front of dozens of people."
"I won't not kill him if I need to. But I'd rather avoid it. He's entertaining and having a nemesis is fun."
Batman shoved Deathstroke into the zeta-tube without another word. He led him through the hallways and towards the detainment wing of the Watchtower.
Deathstroke looked at one of the cells whose keypad was glowing red.
"Is the Conductor in there?", Deathstroke asked.
Batman didn't dignify him with an answer. Instead, he shoved Deathstroke in the cell next door.
"You aren't my problem anymore, Deathstroke", he loosened the cuffs around Deathstroke's ankles and left, closing the door firmly behind him.
Batman hurried back to the manor quickly. He was eager to get to his bed for some sleep. After peeling off his costume in the Cave, he moved up the stairs towards his room. On the way, he heard a thud coming from Damian's room.
What was the boy up to?
Bruce hurried to Damian's room, opening the door. Wind hit him in the face. The window was open. Damian was crouching on the windowsill, wearing a black garb that he must have worn at the League of Shadows. He carried his katana. A lamp was lying broken on the floor. Damian must have hit it.
"Damian, what is this?"
Damian's grimy boots told Bruce that he had come in from the street.
"I shall prove my capabilities as your successor, father", Damian said.
"No sneaking out", Bruce said, "You are staying in the manor."
Damian crossed his arms. He looked like a petulant bird on that windowsill.
"I am The Demon", Damian said, "I have already caught multiple perpetrators tonight."
"Did you kill them, Damian?"
Damian scoffed: "Of course I did. That scum should not be allowed to wander the earth."
Bruce balled his fist. He took a deep breath and suppressed the urge to scream at Damian. It wouldn't change anything. Bruce needed to view Damian as a misguided child who didn't know any better. Damian hadn't been taught anything else.
"No killing, Damian", Bruce said, "How often do I have to repeat myself?"
"But father, I ridded the world of this scum. I chose targets you would approve of: Rapists and human traffickers."
"No killing. We aren't judge, jury and executioner. Killing criminals just makes you a murderer."
How could Bruce have let this happen under his watch? He needed to keep a very close eye on Damian.
"Red Hood is killing people left and right", Damian bristled.
"And I don't tolerate this behavior from Jason either", Bruce said, "I order you to stay home, Damian and I will have Alfred supervise you. Tomorrow we'll talk about this in detail. Now, go to bed."
"I am an al Ghul. You can't discipline me like a mere child."
"You are a child, and I will talk to you like one if you keep acting like this."
"You sent the creature on a mission. I watched its pathetic attempts at navigating the computer", Damian said, "I demand a mission, too."
Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose: "There it is, Damian. The way you talk about your brother and your non-understanding of my no-kill rule tells me that you are nowhere ready to go out there. You lack the compassion necessary."
Damian gritted his teeth: "I have plenty of compassion."
"If you have, I haven't seen it", Bruce said, "And you say you watched Nightwing in the Cave? I suspect you didn't talk to him."
Damian huffed: "Why should I talk to the creature?"
"I think you are scared to talk to him, Damian. You wouldn't call him a creature to his face anymore, would you? Not after he bested you in combat. So, you just avoid him."
Damian growled.
"If anyone in this house understands what you are going through, it's Nightwing. You should talk to him – as a person, Damian. You would be surprised."
"It is not a person. It is a Talon."
Bruce sighed: "We'll elaborate on this tomorrow."
He wondered when it had become normal for his children to casually murder people and for Bruce to not even be surprised. At least Nightwing didn't kill or maim people anymore. That spoke to Bruce's abilities as a father, right? He wasn't some terrible influence on his children that corrupted them (at least he hoped he wasn't).
Bruce closed the door - exhausted after far too many emotional conversations tonight. He passed Jason's room on the way. It was suspiciously quiet.
He opened the door carefully, peeking inside. The bed was empty. Bruce suppressed a disappointed sigh.
He muttered to himself: "What are you doing, Jason?"
He hoped Nightwing would solve this case because Bruce didn't know what to do with Jason anymore. If he didn't stop, only Arkham would be an option. But Bruce didn't want that for his son.
Bruce took some deep breaths and readied himself for bed. His headaches were killing him lately.
AN: Am I cheering for the Titans finally bonding? Yes, I am. Did I make a tiny reference to Terry Long that basically consists of 'screw you, Terry Long'? Yes, I did.
In case anyone is confused: Donna really dated and married her college professor in the New Teen Titans. So, you had this random old dude hanging out with the Titans and creeping after Starfire quite a bit. (Every time he creeped after other girls, I was like: "You already had no right to be with Donna Troy, Terry. Least you can do is appreciate what you have.") I love New Teen Titans with all my heart, but this relationship truly was *something*.
Nightwing had quite the philosophical conversations this chapter with Donna and Canary. He is in the plus! If only Nightwing could see that…
Also, Nightwing just casually spilling the goods about his relationship with Wally is so funny to me. Nightwing defending the honor of speedsters all over the world. You can bet that they hear that joke from every villain at least once. :D
And Jason – light of my life – what are you doing? Jason's arc is like watching a train wreck derail slowly with no one pulling the emergency brakes.