In My Blood

Chapter 1

Addison Montgomery's Point of View

Current Time December 2010

I sit on the window seat of my brownstone apartment watching the snowflakes fall. My knees are pulled to my chest, and I am resting my head on them, sitting still and silent, observing the passersby. How long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months? The only indicator of the time passing was the changing of the seasons and the rotating plates of food I never eat that keep appearing on the coffee table near where I am sitting. Mark is trying his best. He is stronger than I am. My heart breaks as I think of what this must be doing to him. Is he really stronger than I am, or is he only strong because I have given him no choice? How is it possible that everyone else's lives have continued on while mine halted the moment I got the phone call that my baby girl was gone. How could my life go on when the most important person in my life ceases to exist? How can I move forward when it feels like I'm suffocating under my grief? When it feels like I can't even breathe? This place I'm sitting was her favorite place in our brownstone. She loved to invent stories about the people who passed by who they are, where they were going. I find myself playing that game as I sit here and my mind wanders. She was my everything, and without her I am nothing. She was my whole existence, my reason for being. Nothing makes sense anymore.

The night she was taken off life support was the night I tried to end my life, the first time anyway. I curse myself for naming my daughter Heavenly now. Her father wanted to name her something more practical, but I won out with the reasoning that the person growing the baby and pushing out the baby should be allowed first pick of names. Ordinary names never seemed to fit the beautiful, perfect little being that we brought into this world. She was a miracle. A gift from the heavens. I can't stop thinking that I was not deserving of her. That I did something wrong, wasn't a good enough mother and that's why they've taken her back. Karma for all the mistakes I've made in my life. My mind flashes back to that horrible night, like it does so many times in the silence.

*FLASHBACK*

July 2010

The bullet knocked her unconscious. I am grateful at the very least that she would have had no idea what had happened. Thankful that wasn't conscious and aware of her suffering. They worked on her, and kept her stable through emergency surgery, but the bullet had done too much damage to her little body. We were pulled into a room where we were asked to sign consent forms for organ donation, and she was kept on life support just long enough for friends and family to fly in and be allowed to say their goodbyes. Three days. Three days of watching the machines breathe for her, knowing she was already gone. It wasn't supposed to be this way. She was only four years old. Her life was supposed to be long and happy, filled with memories of late-night cuddles and trips to Disneyworld with her best friend. Memories of fairytale makeovers, eating popcorn at the Yankees game with her Poppa and baking cookies with me. She should have been starting preschool at that insanely expensive school where her name has been down since before, she was born. She was supposed to be playing with her friends in the park and feeding the ducks. There are so many adventures we wanted to take her on. It wasn't supposed to end with her laying in a cold hospital bed preparing to have her organs harvested out and transferred to children around the United States. I promised her she would have a long and happy life. He took that from her. He took her childhood, her innocence, and her existence. I failed her.

The nurse came in as the time for the harvest drew near and asked our family and friends to step out and allow us these last few moments alone with our precious baby girl before she was taken to the operating room for the harvest. I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and made sure she had her favorite dolly in her arms. We were not allowed to hold her, due to the life support and the chances of something accidentally being disconnected unintentionally, but we laid in the bed next to her. We talked to her and sang her favorite songs. We told her we love her, and that everything was going to be okay, very soon. I don't know why we said that. It was a lie. Soon she would be dead, and we would be forever broken.

"Mommy's so sorry Heavenly." I whispered. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I promised myself that I would be strong for her until the very end. I tried my best, but I cannot stop the tears from falling. When they came to take her, I lost it. Mark was the levelheaded, strong one.

"No! Not yet, they can't take her yet." I cried, carefully picking her up from the bed, cautious not to disconnect anything and hold her close to my chest. I buried my face in her baby strawberry blonde hair. Her soft curls that are every bit her fathers, catching my tears. I breathe in the smell of her favorite strawberry scented body mist from Bath and Body Works. How was it still lingering on her skin, and her hair after three days?

"It's time Addison." Mark said, gently. Our eyes lock and I can see the sadness and fear in his. He is almost pleading, without words for me not to make a scene.

"This is a mistake." I insist desperately. "She's breathing." I've lost all sense of logic, medical training and reasoning. "I can feel her breathing against me!" I wasn't Addison Forbes Montgomery then. I wasn't the saver of babies. I wasn't anything but a terrified mother sick with grief.

"We have to let her go. Delaying this will only make it harder." He says, soothingly and then when I don't respond. "Baby it's the machines. They're breathing for her. "Sweetheart I'm sorry, but she's gone. Derek and Amelia both confirmed." He is crying now, and that scares me.

"Mark please. We have to fight for her." I insist, holding her even closer, shielding her, refusing to let anyone near her. "Please don't let them take her. Mark please."

"Letting the team transplant or not does not change the fact that our daughter is dead. Addison, she's going to help so many." His voice was strange, soft and crackling, holding back sobs. "We have to let her go, there is nothing we can do to save her."

"I can't be the one who takes her."

"I know." He says, coming close to me. Together we look down at our daughter in my arms. "You have to be brave for her. Let me take her."

"I'm so sorry Heavenly." I whisper to my baby girl, gently kissing her on the forehead. "You've been so brave and so strong." My voice trembles. "I love you to heaven and back." I lean closer to her and whisper in such a quiet voice that Mark cannot hear me. 'Don't be afraid. Mommy will be there soon.' I was already formulating a plan in my mind, knowing that her losing her life would end mine. It doesn't matter that I am still breathing. My life is over.

"I love you… Heavenly I love you so much." I whisper over and over again as Mark takes her gently from my arms, cradling her in his. He lays her gently down on the transfer gurney, and tucks her in with her favorite blanket, placing her dolly back in her arms.

"Stay with her. Promise me Mark." I plead. My legs are like Jello. I don't know if I could stand even if I wanted to. The team set to work transferring the life support over to the portable machine to get her to the operating room.

"I promise." He says. He nods at me as they wheel her out of the hospital room. I attempt to stand, to go after them, but I can't. I collapse to the ground. Sounds of sorrow and grief that shouldn't even exist in a human seeping from me. I don't know how to keep the pain locked away. I am not the strong one.

*END FLASHBACK*

"Addison?" He says my name so gently. The cushion goes down as he sits next to me on the window bench. "Come on baby, it's time for bed. You can't sleep here." There was nothing stopping me from sleeping here before. I wonder if the neighbors put in a welfare concern. I look up, past him at a spot on the wall just above his shoulder. I wonder what it is, and if we're going to have to paint.

"I'm fine."

"I know." He picks me up, effortlessly it seems. I rest my head on his shoulder as he carries me to the downstairs bathroom. There is a warm bath drawn, the bathroom smells like Chamomile. His favorite soap, and bath soaks are Dr. Teals – Comfort and Calm.

The effort of undressing is unbearable. I am physically exhausted by the time I step into the tub and sit down letting the heat wash over me. I lay down in the water, fully submerging myself to wet my hair, forgetting to hold my breath. It's peaceful down here. Quiet. He realizes I am underwater and in a flurry of panic pulls me up. I cough out the water that I had breathed in.

"Addison what the hell!" He demands, more out of fear than anything. "You could have drowned!"

"Just…forgot to hold my breath." He looks at me doubtfully but sits down on the toilet and just watches as I continue bathing. I am weak, and sore from the long hours curled up with very limited movement. I am still for several moments. I don't realize I am crying until he reaches in and wipes the tears from my cheeks.

"What can I do?" He asks. "How can I help?"

"I'm too tired. I…" I feel stupid, and ashamed that he has to help me with this. I am so exhausted that even lifting my arms to wash my hair seems like too much effort. "I'm fine. I just want to go to sleep."

"In a minute." He says. He seems to have read my mind as he takes a bottle of shampoo off the shelf, squeezes some into his hands and gently starts massaging it through my hair and scalp. He tilts my head back and rinses out the shampoo with the shower head. He repeats this with conditioner, and after all of the conditioner is rinsed out meticulously combs out all of the knots. He helps me to stand and step out of the tub. He watches as I get dressed, standing too close. I'm weak and he wants to make sure if I fall, he'll be able to keep me from hitting the ground. I start to walk back to the window, but he stops me.

"Let's do something else." He suggests.

"Sleep?" I ask, hopefully. I don't know why when I know I am not going to be getting any sleep. My sleep is plagued with nightmares that I can't escape from. Surprisingly similar to my life. He seems to know this too, because he shakes his head 'no'.

"We could put up the Christmas tree, or some lights and decorations. Christmas is only a few weeks away." Heavenly loved Christmas decorations. Our brownstone won best decorated for the last several years. We didn't enter this year. Is there a point to decorating when she is not here to enjoy them?

"Would that make you feel better?" I ask him. "To decorate?"

"I don't know." He admits. "It can't feel worse than not decorating, you love Christmas so much Addie."

"Heavenly loved Christmas." I correct him. "I just made it magical for her." We walk to the living room, and I sit down on the couch. He lights a fire in the fireplace. He puts on Christmas music and sits down next to me.

"I miss you." He admits. "I didn't just lose my daughter the day Heavenly died. I lost my wife as well. I need you to come back to me. We can get through this, together if you just give me a chance."

"You should put up the lights." I say.

"Are you sure?"

"You're right. It's not like it's going to make things worse. You should make it even bigger this year, light the brownstone up so bright she can see it all the way from Heaven."

Authors Note:

THANK YOU to everyone who has read Chapter 1 of In My Blood. Please review and let me know what you're thinking, questions, comments, concerns, etc.