In My Blood
Chapter 5
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
December 2010
It takes days before Mark could look at me again after what happened. I try to keep count of exactly how many days, but it turns out that I don't really care so that doesn't last very long. In a way I am grateful that he's leaving me alone. Time goes slowly now. Occasionally Derek and Meredith drop willow off to play while they work a double or whatever the case may be. She is fine while she's here. It's still strange having her back here, but she has attached herself to me. I'm like her new security blanket. When she's here I paste a smile on my face. I wear a mask. I make sure my hair is done and I look presentable. I keep my tone cheerful, loving and sweet. On the outside I look normal, fine. We bake cookies and bundle up for walks to the park. On those days I eat and behave almost like an ordinary human being. On these days I can almost pretend I am normal, and not suffocating from the numbness and grief. It's an odd thing to say I feel numb when numbness literally means "deprive of feeling or responsiveness." I do though, and I feel it deep, all the way down to my core. It's one of the deepest pains imaginable. I love Willow so much, but I dread these days. I can see her making progress and opening up more every single time she's here. Playing make believe is exhausting though. I don't think Derek and Meredith can see past the mask, or maybe they just don't want to. I promised them both I would try, for Willow. I do want her to try. I want her to be okay. Slowly the sparkle is returning to her eyes. She's smiling more and she has started to talk a little bit more around here parents. She gives them yes, and no answers now. She's getting better all while I'm fading away.
I always assure Derek and Meredith that I'm fine when they drop Willow off and ask me how I'm holding up. They nod and say something that's meant to be encouraging and then they leave. It seems like they want to believe in the fairytales. They want to believe in a magic solution. They want to believe that I'm okay. They pick her up, all smiles when she gives them big hugs and smiles up at them. She still isn't holding full conversations with them, but she's making progress. Trauma is a strange thing. I have taken up residence in the window seat again. One step forward and ten steps backward. Mark sits on the bench beside me, and my body stiffens as he pulls me effortlessly into his arms.
"We need to talk."
"Not now Mark." I move out of his embrace and sit on the opposite side of the seat. I don't want to be touched. I want to be left alone. I am not worthy of his comfort.
"I need to know what you're planning to do with the baby." He says, cutting directly to the issue at hand. "If you leave, what will you do with the baby?" He clarifies. "Addison, we have options." He says gently. "Once the baby is born, you'll be happier. We could do therapy, medications, we're going to be okay."
"If it comes to that I have looked into adoption agencies." I say. It's a lie, but he buys it so quickly I don't even have to work to make myself believable. The truth is I haven't looked up a single agency.
"Seriously? You'd give our child away?" He demands.
"I thought you'd prefer that or the option I gave you to take full custody of her versus a late term abortion." I say, biting my bottom lip, absolutely hating myself for even mentioning it. I despise the bitterness that come through my tone. I can't stop it though. I feel a rush of hot shame.
"That's not legal Addison."
"Don't test me, Mark." I warn. He knows I have connections with Dr. Melody Stiles in Colorado who preforms abortions until the thirty-sixth week of pregnancy. She was one of my mentors. She trained me on the safest and most effective methods. I have no real intentions of flying to Colorado or putting the baby up for adoption. I am still clinging to the hope that he will take Oakley when the time comes. I need him to see that this is not a problem that is just going to go away if he closes his eyes and ignores it hard enough.
"You're heartless Addison. I don't even know who you are right now. You make me sick." He stands up, angrily running his fingers through his hair in frustration as he paces back and forth in front of me.
"I'm sorry you're hurting." I say, I can't look at him. I try to keep the hateful words down, but they bubble up, erupting like a volcano. "I don't know if I can be a Mother Mark. I've been there, I've done that. I don't want to raise another child. I can't go through that heartbreak all over again. I just can't."
"So, the choice you're still giving me is you or her?" He demands. "How is that even fair? I want you both. How could I possibly choose?" He's crying, his eyes really do look like an ocean when they're filled with tears.
"I should have a choice." I say, and Oakley kicks me hard in the ribs as if to take her Daddy's side in this matter. Why is it a bad thing to want her to have her best chance?
"You don't get a choice Addison." He says, he sits down again and takes my face in his hands. Eye contact. I can't be as angry, or as seriously when I am forced to look him in the eyes, and he knows it. They are like my kryptonite. "This baby is coming whether you want her to or not." I have to force myself to breathe. "You don't get to walk away because things seem too hard. She's, our daughter. Addison she's, our baby. We have to work this out… together. We're Addison and Mark. We can survive this."
"I don't believe that." I say, my bottom lip trembling as he runs his fingers through my hair.
"That's alright. I have enough belief for the both of us."
"Mark please… I don't want her." I say, my voice pleading. "I have no emotional connection to this pregnancy. I don't want this life. What if Heavenly's death was really meant to be a way out?" I ask. I am freaking out at the thought of bringing another baby into this world. I feel like I won't be able to love her after what happened to her big sister. I feel like I would end up emotionally scarring her. I think back to my relationship with Bizzy, and it makes me want to run further. I don't want that for Oakley.
"Please just give it a year Addison. Give it until she is a year old. If you still don't want to make this work after you've met her and given us an honest go as a family, I'll take her. If you still want to go I'll sign the divorce papers after that time. His voice matches the defeat in my expression.
"Thank you." I say, relief in my tone. It gives me something to look forward to, it gives me hope that this hellish game of make believe that I am trapped it may finally be over. I can leave. I can go somewhere nobody knows me and I can find happiness again. Maybe one day the pain will lessen. Maybe one day I'll finally be able to breathe again.
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading chapter 5 of In My Blood! I think Mark is in a difficult place where he is being tested at every turn. I think he finally needs to push back and make his needs known. He needs to challenge Addison. I think Addison is overwhelmed, especially with Willow back in her life. It's a huge decision, and she's realized she doesn't want the same things that Mark wants. It will take a lot of time, and compromise for her to overcome her mental health struggles and be the mother Mark knows she can be.