In My Blood
Chapter 8
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
December 2010
Addison Dreaming
"Mommy!" two-and-a-half-year-old Heavenly screamed. "Poppa!" We hear her padded little feet as she runs down the hallway full force. Within seconds she is in our bedroom, scurrying up onto the bed, and bouncing up and down. She is singing a Christmas song mixed with "Wake up wake up wake up" every few lines before we have even had a chance to properly wake up and fully register what was going on. I look over to the windows. It's still dark outside and she had tuned our Christmas lights lining the windows of the bedroom back on.
"Heavenly come lay down by Mommy and Daddy." I grab her mid bounce, tickling her as I lay her down in between Mark and I.
"Mommy I can't go back to sleep!" She exclaims. "The sky's awake so I'm awake, plus it's Christmas!" She squeals full of excitement.
"The sky is most definitely not wake." Mark mumbles, still mostly asleep. She wiggles down off the bed and runs over to the window. She points up at the sky, and the tiniest little fleck of sunlight even imaginable.
"See?! It's the sun!" She does a little happy dance.
"Christmas doesn't start until the sun if fully awake Princess." Mark grumbles, rolling over and falling back asleep. Heavenly frowns at him and then climbs back on the bed, jumping inches from his face, hair flying. She bounces a final time and lands on him, giggling.
"Poppa it's CHRISTMAS!" She shrieks, shaking him as best as she possibly can. He pulls her over into his arms, wrapping her in a tight hug and kissing her on the cheek. "Fine, you win." He teases. "You know I could never say no to you." He smiles at her and then "Okay, I'm getting up."
"Do you remember when you thought she'd never talk?" I joke, smirking at them. I get up, dress, and start preparing for the day. We always spend Christmas morning with our own families, and then the afternoon and evening with Meredith and Derek. I am ridiculously excited for this. Willow and Heavenly are finally big enough to go ice skating in central park, so we had planned to go this afternoon before it gets too cold. Then back home for Christmas movies and hot coco around the heated (non-fire) fire pit on the roof. I love these traditions so much. Heavenly hops off the bed and dances around me in circles making it nearly impossible to walk.
"Santa is real! Mommy he's real! He ate all the cookies and he left presents! There are glitter footprints and look what I found!" I realize for the first time she is clutching a little card in her hand. She holds it up for my inspection. It's an ID card for an elf. It says the elves name, age, occupation, and on the back, it says 'if found please return to the north pole, Santa's workshop' with an address.
"Oh no, peppermint sparkles lost his ID. We'll have to return it to him." I say with a smile.
"Someone has been sneaking out of their room again." Mark observes. He tries to be firm, but he can't stay mad with her. He just likes to see the look on her face when she first sees the tree Christmas morning. Her joy energizes him. It makes him believe.
"I just had to Poppa! I had to see if he was real. I had to know the truth!" The joy in her eyes is so innocent, so pure and sweet. Mark picks her up to carry her downstairs and as she snuggles him my heart feels like it is going to explode. I lean against the doorframe, just watching them. What did I ever do to deserve to be this happy? To have everything I've ever wanted. I realize I'm crying, and Mark turns back looking at me oddly.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm just so happy." I wipe the tears from my eyes. I try to stop them, but they won't stop, so I try and explain what's going on inside of my head. "I have everything. Everything. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I am so lucky. I love you both so much."
End of dream
"Ooohph. Ouch." I moan as I begin to wake up and come back to awareness. I feel the most agonizing pain I have ever felt in my life. Different possibilities go through my mind thinking of what it could be, but whatever they gave me to help me rest isn't completely out of my system. My mind is foggy. I look around, half expecting to be in my bedroom at the brownstone. To see Heavenly so excited to open up all of the gifts that Santa had left her. The realization of it being just a dream comes and I struggle to go back to sleep, back to them.
"Addison your contractions were strengthening in intensity and duration while you slept." Someone says. I wake up more and realize it's Meredith standing next to my bed. She pulls the paper out of the monitor and looks at it. I bite my lip. I am the one who taught her to read an ultrasound and contraction monitor when she was pregnant with Willow. It's not something you learn much of in General, and in medical school you're only taught the very basics. "They're slowing down now, reduced to every seven minutes."
"Where's Mark?" I ask weakly. "I need Mark." I feel like I've been run over by a train. How bad has this progressed while I was sleeping? Why hasn't the labor stopped yet? "Why am I still in labor it's been hours." I demand, finding my voice. I look over to the window to see the light coming through. It's Christmas. "You shouldn't be here, Meredith not today. Willow needs you."
"Your body is having a harder time responding to intervention due to the infection. Your fever spiled again. You're currently down to one hundred two after meds." She wets a rag with cool water and places it on my forehead. I give her a small, grateful grimace. "Willow will be alright. She's with Derek now. We'll have our Christmas on the weekend; I don't want you to worry about that."
"You have to convince Dr. Thompson to do an emergent cerclage."
"She would never. The infection risk alone..." She starts but is thrown off as another contraction comes and I shift uncomfortably, closing my eyes and pushing my lips together in an effort not to cry out.
"Please Meredith…. I did something so stupid please help me fix this." I say just as a nurse comes in and attempts to give me more medication.
"I don't want pain medication." I say before she can inject the medication into the port on my hand. I give her a death glare. "Who authorized this? I should sue you and this entire wing of the hospital. You do not give patients medication without their consent." Dr. Thompson had given me pain medication earlier, but it was only Tylenol, somehow, I don't feel so badly about Tylenol.
"Dr. Montgomery you're not competent to make those decisions right now." She says, watching sympathetically as my face twists with pain. "Your husband authorized the stronger medication."
"First off your bedside manner is shit. You shouldn't even be allowed to talk to patients. Secondly, I am as competent as any mother in preterm labor. Suppose we take all of their rights away as well? I am more knowledgeable and trained than any one member of staff on this floor. My credentials alone should make me competent to decide if I want my body filled with toxic chemicals that cross the placenta into her body. "I look at the vial of medication in her hands. 'Fentanyl'. "Are you a first year?" I ask disgustedly. "If you had bothered even doing the slightest amount of research you would know that Fentanyl is extremely dangerous to use during preterm labors, because of the risk of neonatal abstinence syndrome. Not only could you have killed me, but you could also have killed my baby. The baby who is already having a hard enough time as it is." I exclaim angrily.
"I'm sorry Addison, I didn't know, or I would have…" Meredith interjects, but I know that she wouldn't have had anymore say than I currently have.
"It's not your job to know. You're not on the vagina squad dealing with high-risk patients. It's her job to know the medications she is injecting into mothers and the risks that they carry, especially when those risks could be deadly."
The nurse throws her hands up angrily, mumbling something about going to find Mark and how she was 'just doing my job.' I turn to Meredith, and as strong as I was to the nurse I am the complete opposite and break down once she leaves the room and I have another contraction. I squeeze the rails of the bed so hard my knuckles go white. I hold my breath because breathing makes it hurt more. I shouldn't do this. I know it can make the baby's heart rate drop, but I am trying so hard not to cry out.
"That was a bad one." Meredith mentions, checking.
"I'm fine." I say, through gritted teeth. My body is tense, unable to relax as it prepares for the next contraction, and the pressure starts building all over again. It wont happen for another… I look up at the clock… six minutes. I have six minutes of 'peace'.
"I need Mark." Is all I can manage to say before the tears of frustration come. "I should have never given him medical power of attorney."
"It was the best thing for you at the time."
"I was fine."
"You weren't fine. You were scary. You were almost dead. You were circling the drain. Stop saying you're fine. You're not fine. No one is fine Addison." She raises her voice and puts emphasis on each time she says the word 'fine'. I stop, momentarily shocked.
'Great now she hates me too'.
"I'm sorry Meredith… there's now way you could possibly know what it's…"
"I was there." She blurts out. I look up at her, confused. "Willow was there."
"What?"
"She helped me take care of you after Heavenly died." Mark said, walking into the room and standing at the foot of my bed.
"I took the paid time off I had saved for our vacation to Rome this summer." She explains. "Nobody would watch Willow, so I brought her with me. She'd lay with you or sit with you and read to you. She played in Heavenly's room some."
"Why can't I remember?" Everything after Heavenly's funeral is like a swirl jumbled mess in my head. It was like I was asleep, and suddenly woke up in December.
"The medication the doctors had you on was too strong. They swore it was best for baby, but I made them wean you off of it after Thanksgiving. It wasn't best for you. It took about two weeks to fully clear your system" His tone is matter of fact, no nonsense. He's still angry with me, and rightfully so. Meredith takes my hand and squeezes it.
"Once you started gaining awareness you asked me not to come over. You didn't say it, but you are being around me, and Willow knowing that she is here and Heavenly is not here…was hard on you. Being there because we love you and want you to be okay was only making things worse."
"I don't remember any of that." Distress is starting to show in my tone. How do you just lose six months of your life? It's no wonder I am so unattached to this baby. I was never given the chance to really come to terms with the pregnancy.
"I know." Meredith says. She sits down next to me and pulls me into a hug. "I know and I'm so sorry."
I suck in my breath and squeeze her hand. It' s impossible to keep from crying out. The pain must register on my face because a look of worry flashes across Marks before it goes and is replaced with annoyance.
"Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted?" He demands. He looks down at me in disgust before turning towards Meredith. "How is she doing?"
"She's contracting every seven minutes. Each contraction is lasting between forty-five seconds and a minute. She was dilated to a three at the last check but hasn't progressed any further. They've given tocolytics, the magnesium drip, and a corticosteroid to mature the baby's lungs. She's on a broad-spectrum antibiotic drip to combat the kidney infection." She points to the IV pole and the different bags of liquid flowing into my veins. "She's refusing all pain meds that would even make a dent in the amount of pain she's in."
"I need an emergent cerclage." I demand. "It's too early. She's too small if she's born now, she will die."
"Not a chance Addison. The infection is too advanced." Joy Thompson says walking into the room. Seriously, does anyone in this hospital knock anymore?
"What is the benefits of a cerclage?" Mark asks, trying to Joy who had taken the spot at the end of the bed, reading through my file. She puts the file back and then helps me move down for a check.
"She would sew my cervix shut. I would remain on strict hospital bedrest with tocolytics for the remainder of the pregnancy, but the baby could make it to thirty weeks, if not more." I say, before Dr. Thompson can respond.
"The maternal mortality rate is thirty percent Addison, that jumps to forty five percent if the mother has an infection, which in this case you do. It's too risky." She says, pursing her lips. I scoot down to the proper position on the bed and try to remain as still as possible while she checks the progress, which is difficult. "You're still at a three. The bleeding hasn't completely stopped but it has slowed down."
"No kidding." I say crossly. She gets up to wash her hands. There is another contraction, and what feels like another gush of blood. Meredith mumbles '7 minutes right on the dot.' But seven minutes seems to be coming sooner and sooner.
"You'll need a blood transfusion to replace the blood you've lost." She gives the order through her phone to I'm assuming one of the interns. She gets the ultrasound machine and looks again, carefully. "Have you ever been told you have an incompetent cervix?" She asks.
"No. Is that what you see?" I ask, a little shocked maybe, surely that would have been brought up during my pregnancy with Heavenly, but that pregnancy went perfectly. I don't bother to look up at the screen. I'm trying so hard to focus on breathing. I'm burning up and freezing at the same time. I press my nails into my palms. I can't scream. I can't cry. I deserve this for what I did to Mark. This if my fault.
"Wait a minute." Meredith says, she was watching the ultrasound carefully. "Look right there." She had spotted something that Joy had missed. "No." She instructs when Joy moves the wand. "Go back, and down more, look at her cervix." She lets go of my hand and moves closer to the screen, watching carefully. "It's small but it's there."
"What's there?" I ask, becoming annoyed.
"You have a rip in your Cervix." She tells me, pointing to a small laceration that is slowly bleeding on the screen. It looks like it's trying to clot and repair itself. "If your cervix truly is incompetent, which it looks like it is according to this ultrasound, the baby's weight pressing down in addition to slamming the cervix during sex likely cause the rip and the bleeding. I'd bet my medical degree that if you get blood products in addition to surgery to repair the cervix and the cerclage the contractions will completely stop."
"That's a good catch Dr. Grey-Shepherd. "Joy acknowledges and takes to measuring the rupture, as a nurse comes in and hooks up the blood starting the transfusion.
"Slamming the cervix? Honestly Meredith?" I ask, face flushing.
"Oh, don't act like you haven't talked to me about your sex life." She retorts playfully but then turns serious again. "Stop the bleed, sew the cervix, save the baby."
"Why didn't you go gynecology with me? I ask, smiling weakly at Meredith. "You would have been great." Fuck. That was not seven minutes. There is no way that was seven minutes. Tears fall, I try to move to reposition despite Joy not being fished with the ultrasound but blood gushes and the other three doctors in the room quickly reposition me.
"I need some time alone with Mark." I say, as Joy finishes the exam and wipes the gel off of me.
"You need emergency surgery before you bleed to death." Her face is white as she looks at the chaux pad that was underneath me.
"It will not be any more emergent in five minutes than it is now." I reply, overfully forceful. "Joy has to figure out how to do a cervical laceration repair and a cerclage without rupturing my uterus and causing me to bleed out on the table. Joy needs a minute. I need a minute." Reluctantly Meredith and Joy agree and leave the room. Mark sits down on the bed next to me. He takes my hand in his, looking down at me, so heartbroken.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This isn't how I thought this would happen."
"Shh… everything's going to be okay."
"Do you love me?" I ask him, vulnerable.
"Addison you know I do."
"Do you want this baby?"
"More than anything."
"You have to sign off on the repair and the cerclage." I say it as if it's the simplest thing in the world.
"I can't, Addison you have almost a fifty percent chance of dying. The mortality rate is too high, and it's not even guaranteed to work." He's crying and I don't know what to do to comfort him.
"I'm not going to die." I offer finally, trying my best to sound confident. "If you do not agree to the surgery, it is a given. She will die. She's not strong enough yet Mark, and I'm not going to be the one to try and save her if she's born early. They don't let parents work on their children."
"I can't choose. What if it comes down to choosing between you and the baby?"
"You listen to me. If it comes to that you choose her. Trust me. Either way I'll be fine." I'm not being noble or brave. Really, I just don't care anymore. I've lived my life. I need the pain I live with daily to stop. I can't do this. He wants me to be strong and I can't. I'm not anything. I'm not strong or brave or even selfless. I'm just me.
Contraction. I scream out and squeeze his arm tightly this time. "Mark, I need you." I whimper as it slowly comes to an end. I can't do this. "The contractions are getting closer, eventually the cervical change is going to be too much. When this happens there will be nothing, we can do to keep her inside."
"What do you want me to do?" He asks, in the way that guys do when they know that you're in pain and don't want to end up touching you wrong and getting punched in the face.
"Hold me." I say, wearily and to my surprise he nods and climbs up on the bed with me, letting me rest against him.
"I can't choose between you." He whispers softly in my ear. "I love you both too much."
"You have to." I respond. "It's her only chance." I have no idea what he is going to do if I lose this baby. He has always wanted her. Always loved her.
The team comes in the door to prepare me for surgery, bringing Mark the forms and he signs them. He helps me climb up onto the gurney, and holds my hand, walking with them towards the OR.
"Promise me you're not going to die. I can't raise this baby alone Addison. I need you. More than you'll ever know." He wipes the tears from my eyes.
"I promise." I say, I know there are no guarantees with surgery, but if this is what brings him comfort this is what needs to happen. He lets go of my hand just as the elevator door opens and I am wheeled inside.
"I love you Addison. I'll never stop loving you, no matter where our lives take us. We're going to be OK." He promises as the elevator doors close, and I am taken down the operating room.
FLASH BACK
2 DAYS AFTER HEAVENLY's DEATH
Mark Sloan's Point Of View
I walk into the bathroom and my jaw drops. I know I shouldn't have left her home alone, especially with a concussion, but the hospital had released her after the accident. It's some kind of miracle that the worst she had was a cut on her forehead and a concussion.
"Baby what are you doing?" I ask gently, looking at the scene before me. She is sitting on the edge of the bathtub with her knees pulled to her chest, crying so hard she's hyperventilating. I scoop her up into my arms, looking into the bathtub which has over a hundred pregnancy tests filling the bottom. I sit down on the floor leaning against the wall, rubbing her back and trying to help her calm down. I remind her to breathe and eventually she does.
"I'm sorry." Is all she can say between breaths.
"Addison what's going on?" I ask her, trying to remain sympathetic to her emotional outpour. I know she's pregnant. They told me before she was released from the hospital. What the hell is she doing? I notice the counter is littered with boxes of unopened pregnancy tests. 2 pink lines. A smiley face. A blue plus sign. The words "Pregnant." How many different brands has she taken? How many hours has she been sitting here dipping sticks into cups of pee?
"I'm still pregnant." She says, as soon as she can speak again. I feel my heart in my throat. "I found out a couple of hours before the shooting and they confirmed after the car accident. I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to find out like this." She says gesturing to the mess in the bathroom. "I refreshed the pee in the cup every couple of hours but they're still positive." She must not remember that they told me. Concussions can cause some lapses in memory.
I approach her carefully with the next question. "Just how many tests did you take?" I ask, looking at the sticks in the bathtub, all very clearly positive.
"Two hundred ninety-five? Three hundred maybe? I don't know I lost count." She says, miserably. "I bought five hundred total."
"Where did you even get that many tests?"
"We have Amazon Prime, its same day delivery in Manhattan."
"So, you bought five hundred pregnancy tests?" I ask, because who does that, especially when it's already been confirmed, twice, by medical professionals. She looks so damn miserable, but I can't help it. "Were you expecting the answer to change?" I can't help but smile at the whole situation. She is a world class double board certified OBGYN who has all kinds of access to imaging and tests at the hospital. She could have had it confirmed again if she was worried, but instead she went out and bought five hundred at home pregnancy tests to confirm the pregnancy. I can't decide if it is ironic or just sad.
"We'll get through this." I tell her. "What are we going to do?" I ask, she rests in head in my lap. I move her hair out of her eyes. They are cloudy with tears, emotional pain. I feel bad about teasing her. Of course, this wouldn't be easy for her.
"I want an abortion." She says dully, and my stomach drops. I suddenly feel sick. She couldn't be serious right? We had been talking about having a second baby. Discussing what life would be like if Heavenly had a little brother or sister to grow up with. She had been ecstatic at the thought of growing our little family. Now everything has changed. Maybe she never meant right now. We were still discussing it. She hadn't even gone off of her birth control or started tracking ovulation yet.
"Addison you can't." I say automatically.
"Of course, I can." And then "Why can't I?"
"This baby could be a sign from Heavenly that she's alright. That she wants us to be able to move on even though she can't be with us?" I offer, but I'm stuck. It's her body, at the end of the day it is her choice. I have no say unless I want to drag her through the court system. We just lost our daughter and now she was to voluntarily end the life of our second child? How is it even possible that she wants nothing more than to rid herself of this baby when all I want to do is hold it tight and protect it from the world?
"I can't move on Mark. Our daughter is dead. There's no moving on from that." She says with such a finality in her tone that I don't know what to say. In that moment I choose to just hold her.
"You're not alone. You won't do this alone." I say, trying to offer her something, anything she can hold onto that would make her want to keep this baby.
"That's easier said than implemented. You're not the one with a parasite attached to your insides." She says, and I cringe when she calls the bay a parasite. I know she's feeling bad, so am I. This baby could be a blessing though.
"You never for a second wanted this pregnancy?" I challenge her. "Not even for that brief amount of time before the shooting and the lockdown?"
"No." She admits, so sure of herself I know she's telling the truth. "When I got the results all I could think of is how selfish it is. How could we be so greedy to bring another child into this fucked up world when we already had the perfect little girl? We had all we ever need and were selfish, ungrateful." I don't say anything to this. It makes me wonder how much of the 'Addison being overjoyed at the thought of second child' was her knowing how much I've always wanted a big family and not wanting to hurt me. I should have seen the signs. She kept putting off the date that we would start trying. She took her birth control like clockwork daily. She made me use protection. 'We want it to happen when we're ready, let's be careful for now. Why rush?' I don't know how this baby got through that, but she is obviously here for a reason.
"What do you think Heavenly would have wanted?" I ask gently.
"She wants me to have the baby." Addison says and I am thrown by the fact that she used the word 'wants' instead of the past tense 'wanted'. I don't say anything though, contributing it to the concussion, or maybe to grief.
"We could have the baby for Heavenly then, a way to honor her memory."
"Most people buy a house plant or take up a hobby. They don't grow a human." She moves so suddenly that I am worried she'll stumble and hurt herself, but she makes it to the toilet and begins violently throwing up.
"So, we'll be eccentrics." I say. I wet a rag and gently wipe her head, pulling back her hair into a ponytail "Were going to be alright. I promise."
She looks up at me then, her eyes have gone dark, like they always do when she is unwell. "No." She corrects me. "You'll be fine." She catches her breath and wipes her mouth. "You'll be fine, but I don't want this baby Mark. I don't want to be a mother; I won't make it out of this pregnancy alive." She predicts and I get goosebumps, my body suddenly freezing cold.
*END FLASHBACK
Authors Note:
Thank you to everyone who is continuing to read In My Blood and to all the reviewers as well! I love reviews, it makes me happy to know people are reading : ) . I love cutesy Heavenly. I felt like I needed some sort of specific backstory where she says very clearly "No. I do not want this baby." Without the flashback it just looks like she's making a very situational decision based on how she's feeling at the time that she will later regret. No though. She didn't want the baby from the beginning.
Please as always feel free to comment, review, post questions/ concerns etc.