In My Blood
Chapter 16
Oakley 3 Months
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
I walk in the front door, and I'm not even alarmed at the eerie silence. 'Good' I think to myself. 'Mark must have taken the little demon child to work with him. I check the rest of the house to assure they are actually gone and not just still asleep. I have a momentary panic attack that he's left her at the horrific daycare, but then I realize after the events of last night I really do not care. I 'borrowed' a bottle of tequila from Meredith's place and drank quite a bit on the short walk home. I'll replace it later. She'll never know. I revel in the bliss of silence for a minute before running a hot bath, pouring a cup of bleach in and tossing a couple bath bombs in for good measure. I undress, putting my clothing in the hamper before sinking down into the hot water, fuzzy from the bath bombs. I breathe in the intoxicating aroma of lavender and chamomile, almost drunk on the sweet smell. Or maybe that's the alcohol talking. I take another swig. Who knows anymore?
I don't know how long it's been, but I realize the bottle is empty and sit it on the ground. My phone rings several full rounds. 'Why can't they just leave me alone?' I think as I push myself down deeper into the water, letting it cover my hair and my face, leaving only my nose exposed above the water. I can feel my body relaxing, and before long everything fades into darkness.
Meredith Grey- Shepherd's Point of View
I call Addison, wait a while, call her again, wait some more. When the phone rings through to voice mail three times I leave Willow with Derek and walk over to Addison and Mark's brownstone. The entryway door is slightly opened, and I call out her name, alarmed. She never leaves the door open. This is a good neighborhood, but the area is far too populated and the homeless population, the ones who are not in their right minds, have been known to just walk in off the streets. I walk inside the little breezeway and the other door is open as well. I close both doors and then type the code into the security system. Alarming the house.
"Addison, are you home?" I call stupidly. 'Of course, she's home, where else would she be?' I walk upstairs and look around. Her purse is on the hook just as it always is. Her keys right above it.
"It's Meredith just checking on you!" I say, I had a bad feeling I couldn't shake when she left, a feeling of foreboding. I gave her a couple hours. I fed Willow her confetti waffles and set her up playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with her dad before attempting to call.
'Maybe she just went home and went to bed.' I reason with myself. I know Mark is scheduled to work today. She wouldn't go to sleep if she has the baby. I walk up the stairs each one creaking more than the next. I wonder if they will ever get that repaired. They never bothered when Heavenly was alive. She feared the creaky steps at night. She said it sounded like they were talking to each other. This worked out in Addison and Mark's favor because she was terrified to go downstairs at night, so there was no sneaking out of her room. In a large house it's always good your parents know where you're at. I hear the water running, and step in something wet as I walk down the hall. The entire wooden hallway is flooded, water seeps too fast from under the bathroom door, but hasn't yet made it to the stairway. I walk into the bathroom, water that had been held back by the door sweeping over my feet soaking them. I walk into the bathroom and stare in horror at the scene before me.
"Addison?" I scream as loud as I can. I try to make my way to the tub, but slip, grabbing onto the towel hanger for support, steadying myself and then going to her. She is completely submerged under the water, her lips a faint shade of blue. I grab her by the arms, pulling her up and out of the water. Her body is limp, but as soon as her face is out of the water, she begins coughing up the water she has breathed in. She mustn't have been under too long.
I know that since she is breathing, I am supposed to get her out of the water, into the recovery position in case she vomits and call nine one one. I am supposed to do this, but instead I slap her hard across the face. I can see my handprint starting to form as I scream at her and shake her. She wakes up and sits herself up in the bathtub.
"What the fuck?" She asks coughing out water with each word. "Why are you in my bathroom?" She vomits up my water mixed with what I know to be a stomach of tequila. There is no mistaking that smell.
"You said you weren't going to do anything stupid. You promised me." I scream.
"Okay okay. I'll pay you back for the tequila." She says. "I'm sorry I took it without asking."
"What?" I ask, and then notice the bottle next to the bathtub. "I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about you."
"Meredith, I didn't. I just..." She stands up slowly and grabs a towel from the nearby shelf I had grabbed earlier. She wraps it around her and then walks to the bedroom. I stand silently and watch as she dresses in a pair of ratty pajamas, like nothing happened. I am crying so hard and shaking. She is acting like this is just another day.
"You nearly drowned."
"I'm fine." She goes to the linen closet and takes out a bunch of towels, scattering them across the floor to catch the water before it goes down the stairs, and is a bigger mess to clean up.
"You're not fine. You just tried to kill yourself. I should have never let you leave."
"Meredith." She says taking me by the upper arms, but her grasp is so weak. "I didn't try and kill myself." She looks around as if looking for a believable explanation. "I'm sorry I scared you. I fell asleep in the bathtub. This isn't what it looks like I swear." I laugh a little. Isn't that the same excuse she gave Mark that time? Or maybe that time she didn't give him any explanation at all. I don't remember. I just remember him telling me she almost drowned.
"You almost died. You could have died." I accuse, but it's hard to speak. I'm still crying too much.
"But I didn't." She teases.
"That isn't funny Addison!" I scream as loudly as I can. "How could you be so selfish? How many more times are you going to do this to me?" I demand, my mind flashing back to finding her unconscious on the floor of the hospital bathroom bleeding out.
"Mer..." She says, pulling me towards her, holding me as tightly as she can. "You're completely reaching. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I'm just exhausted. I drank too much, and I fell asleep in the tub. That's all that happened. It was an accident."
"I don't believe you." I say, taking her phone from the counter, unlocking it, and dialing Mark's cell phone. "You're drunk and you're a liar. I cannot believe a single word that's coming out of your mouth right now."
"Oh, like you've never done anything stupid under the influence of tequila?" She asks, making a mad grab for the phone, but her balance is so off that I simply step out of the way, and she nearly falls over. Sighing I grab her and steady her, pushing her over onto the bed, and helping her to lay down on her side.
"You need to come home." I say, when Mark answers the phone.
"Is it serious? I'm kind of in the middle of something."
"It's an emergency." I can tell he is not at the hospital by the background noise. "Where are you?"
"That doesn't matter. What's going on?" I hear a door shut, the typical sound hotel doors have he mustn't have pressed mute or hung up in time because as soon as the door closed, I hear the sound of expensive high heels making their way across the room and a sexy female voice telling him every little thing she was planning on doing to him, as well as reminding him of her weekly rates. I am struck silent. I realize he meant to hang up but just turned the screen off instead of answering the call. Someone picks up the phone and tosses it aside. It hits something hard, perhaps she tossed it up onto the desk. She confirms that the baby is in the closet, and then tells him to take off his pants. I hang up on my end. Already having more than my fair share of too much information, confirming what I have been suspecting for months. I blink hard, shocked, as a fury like I've never known rages through me. I want to vomit at the thought of Oakley being sat in a closet while he has a booty call.
"What did he say?" She asks me. She's up again and dancing that drunk sway around the room. She turns up the radio, something fast and loud.
"He'll be home soon." Is all I can manage. She's not listening, just calls 'dance with me Meredith!'. I shake my head, sinking down onto the bed, trying to process what I heard. "I'll stay with you until he gets home."
Addison Montgomery's Point of View:
"I don't want him to come home" I protest. "He'll bring that little screaming hell potato and..." I sit down next to her, the world suddenly swimming before me. I sit very still until the spinning stops. She takes my hands and pulls me back up.
"Come on, we're going downstairs." She says, she leads me down the stairs, standing right next to me, holding on tightly to me with each step. I guess she doesn't want 'falling down the stairs' to be on my list to the near-death experiences I've had today.
"You need to be resting." She reminds me.
"I don't need to rest Meredith." I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of Vodka from the kitchen. She takes it from my hand, putting it right back where it belongs.
"You're drunk enough."
"Meredith!"
"It's eleven am Addison."
"You act as if that actually matters. It's a weekend." I say, taking the alcohol back out of the cabinet opening it and taking a long drink straight from the bottle before she can grab it again. I get my laptop and sit down at the kitchen table. Maybe Meredith will be more relaxed if i'm sitting down.
"Why are you so self-destructive?" She demands, and I ignore her, searching for apartment listings.
"I'm leaving." I announce, and she gives me a look like 'enough now'.
"You're wasted and you almost died, you're not leaving this house."
"I'm moving here." I say, pointing to a rundown apartment in Mott Haven. "I wonder how much the deposit is, and if it's move in ready?" I ask. Even after the renovations this place looks like it's seen better days. "Mark would never look in Mott Haven for me." Mott Haven is rated one of the most dangerous neighborhoods to live in New York City.
"I'm not even discussing this with you. You're about as rational as a toddler when you're drunk." She says, and I roll my eyes at her. Something is clearly wrong though. She's being too nice. Too gentle. Ever since she got off the phone with Mark. I try to remember what's said, but I can't.
"You're acting weird." I say. "Maybe you should be drinking too." I suggest. "What happened on the phone?" I ask, trying to put together the pieces, but my brain is too swirly. She takes the alcohol from me again, this time putting it further away and I don't challenge her. She doesn't answer for a long time, just sits on the chair next time mine, looking at the train-wreck of an apartment on the computer screen.
"You're going to have to get your shit together." She says finally, shaking her head. I'd imagine she is playing over and over whatever it was she is trying to process in her own mind.
"I'm fine."
"No, you're not. Mark is having an affair." She says, her voice nothing more than a whisper. "He was with her when I called earlier." She says, and a cold chill goes down my spine. He was meant to be at work. I assumed he took the baby with him to work. I feel like I am going to be sick, and then I get up quickly because I am coughing and sicking up into the kitchen sink.
"Where's Oakley?" I ask as soon as the wave of vomiting has ceased for the moment, and I rinse the bitter taste from my mouth. Why is my knee jerk reaction protection for this thing I don't even love? I am not even so much as a Nanny to her. At least Nannies love the kids they take care of. My mind automatically goes back to holding Heavenly's still lifeless body in my arms, refusing to let her go. To her burial and... No. I can't think that way. She's not dead. She isn't Heavenly. I repeat this in my mind. Not even sure why I am doing this, and that makes the whole thing even more confusing. I didn't even WANT her. I don't want anything to do with her, but for whatever reason I scream at myself over and over 'you never should have left her'.
"She's with Mark." She admits, but she must see the horror in my eyes because she ads quickly. "Mark loves her Addison. He'd never put her in harm's way."
I don't know if I'm more shocked with the fact that Mark is in bed with a prostitute or the fact that he took our daughter with him this time. I hear the front door open and close again. The sound of Mark putting the infant carrier up on the counter and unbuckling Oakley's car seat harness. I get up and walk slowly to the door. I lean against the door frame to the entrance way, just watching.
"Where were you?" I demand. No pretenses, no dancing around the topics. "You didn't call or leave a note before you took the baby."
"I'm sorry I worried you." He hands Oakley to me, and for once she doesn't scream. "I didn't leave her at the Daycare. I paid an intern's cable and internet bill in exchange for her to watch her. I'm sorry I worried you. You weren't home yet, and I couldn't just leave Oakley here alone."
"You're lying." I say, to him, but I look down at Oakley. There is a smell lingering on her and the carrier. Cigarette smoke. "Why does our daughter smell like an ashtray?" I demand. She is rooting so much. I sink down on the couch and she latches, drinking hungrily. Quickly I unlatch her, remembering I'm still quite drunk. She looks up at me confused, her bottom lip trembling like she's about to start screaming but then she decides against it and snuggles instead. She's still supplementing each nursing session with a bottle of breast milk. Meredith goes to the kitchen and then comes back, handing me a warmed five-ounce bottle instead of just the supplemental bottle. She hands it to me, and I put the bottle in Oakley's mouth. She drink's the warm milk slowly, snuggling up against me with her warmth. I stay silent until the bottle is nearly gone, her eyes droop, and she falls asleep.
"What in the hell are the two of you trying to accuse me of now?" Mark demands, confusion but it wasn't so well played. I can see it in his eyes. He knows exactly what he did. He just doesn't know that I know.
"The call didn't hang up." Meredith says, simply.
"You told her?" Mark asks outraged.
"She is my best friend. What did you expect me to do?"
"If she regresses again, you realize it's your fault. We just got her back Meredith!"
"You're not blaming that on me! I'm not the one who has biweekly appointments with a hooker. She almost died today, Mark, and you were too busy with your friend to even properly take my call. How long has this been going on?" She demands.
"That's none of your concern."
"It is when I'm more of a spouse to your wife than you are."
"Wait... did you say she almost died? What happened?" Mark asks, the words sinking in, he looks over at me with real concern, but I just can't right now.
"Could the two of you just shut up?" I order as loudly as I can without startling Oakley. I reposition her, laying her on my chest, patting just above the diaper line gently to burp her. She burps and then snuggles against me again, the steady rise and fall of her chest, and deep breathing indicates she's still asleep. Her little head is heavy on my shoulder. I need to get up and bathe her. I could lay her in the swing, or the pack and play so she can rest easier, but for now I just want to hold her.
"No!" Meredith says, assertively. "I'm sorry Addison, but I'm done sweeping everything under the rug and looking the other way. We're going to talk this through. This affects all of us."
"I'm going to give her a bath and put her to bed. It's not great for her to be breathing in the smell of cigarette smoke. She was premature. It's not good for her lungs." I say, changing my mind about holding her, thinking of the weight of newborn Heavenly in my arms. I swallow down the knot that forms in my throat as I look down to Oakley. She looks just like Heavenly. Yet when I look down at her I still feel nothing. I know a bath will wake her up, but it needs to happen. Maybe I just want to wake her up instead of their bickering. I am numb to everything. It's just too much.
"Let me take her." Meredith offers. "You've been drinking you'd never forgive yourself if you fell with her on the stairs. "
"No. I'm fine Meredith. I'm just going to give her a quick wash in the baby tub and lay her down for nap. I'll be right back." I say, leaving the room with the baby, not giving them anymore chance to argue with me. I hold her while I fill her baby bath with warm water, and then undress her, taking the soiled clothes and diaper tossing them in the trashcan. Cigarette smoke is one of those things, you just cannot get it off no matter how many times you wash. I give her a quick bath in the warm water. She wakes up sleepily but doesn't protest as I wash every inch of her, wrap her in a towel, and then take her to her bedroom to get dressed.
"You're going to be alright Oakley." I tell her. I put her on a dry diaper, and a comfortable little outfit, before swaddling her up, and rocking her until she falls asleep again. After she has been asleep a few minutes I put her down in her crib and cover her with a light muslin blanket. I turn on her white noise and her night light that makes stars dance on the ceiling. I have to leave. I can't be here right now; I can't get heavenly out of my mind. I turn on the baby monitor and then leave, leaving the door slightly cracked open so we can hear her if she wakes, and the downstairs monitor battery dies. I don't go back downstairs right away though, just sit at the stop of the stairway, leaning against the banister, and resting my head in my hands, just listening to them argue.
Meredith Grey- Shepherd's Point of View
"I'm scared Mark. She tried to drown herself today."
"She said she was fine; she passed the psych eval. Evangeline was only temporary."
"She needs looking after."
"If it's so bad, why is she not in the hospital? Why did you not call nine one one?"
"I pulled her out of the water before she suffered any long-term damage."
"You were here?" He demands, confused.
"No."
"You just said..."
"I came to check on her when she wouldn't answer the phone. I found her submerged in the water, turning blue."
"What do you want me to do about it?" He asks.
"I want you to care!" I scream at him. "Your wife, the mother of your children almost died alone in the bathtub today."
"I can't watch her every single second Meredith. I have to work; she refuses to let me hire Evangeline back. I promised I would let her go if she passed the psych eval."
"She lied on that eval. You know she did, there's no way she could have naturally passed, and we both know you weren't at work this morning."
"I had to do something." He speaks. "Addison and I haven't had meaningful sex since the night Oakley was conceived. Do you know what that's like?" He demands, trying to make me feel bad for him and how much Addison has been neglecting him. They were so busy and so tired with their work they hadn't even considered that time was the last time, and then Heavenly was killed and they were both grieving. I know he didn't want to pressure her. I know he's also not counting the last time they had sex, the day Addison went into preterm labor. He still feels dirty at the way she lured him in to try and induce Oakley at twenty-five weeks. She's not so high and mighty. She has made her mistakes. She is just as flawed as he is. He talks to me sometimes. They're not lovers anymore. He doesn't even know if they're friends.
"It's been a hard year for everyone Mark. You are still wrong for what you did. Stop trying to justify an affair." My voice goes up slightly at the word affair. What he did does not even deserve the dignity of that name. If she ends up getting worse this is not on me. It is on him.
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
I stand up, sick of listening to them argue and go to my bedroom. I take a suitcase from the closet and open it on the bed. Without really looking at what I'm grabbing I begin throwing in a week's worth of clothing, pajamas, shoes and other essentials into the suitcase. In the bathroom I collect up my toiletry bag. I don't like using the hotels soap or shampoo. They've transitioned from individual portions for each guest to pumps that they just refill when they start getting low. It just seems unhygienic somehow. I grab the bottle of gin I keep hidden underneath the sink, open it, and drink my troubles away. I zip up my suitcase and then kick it down the stairs, not even bothering to try and be quiet to avoid waking the baby. Meredith and Mark stop screaming at each other and look up to the stairway, watching me take a drink from the bottle and make my way down. The suitcase lands with a thump near their feet. Thankfully Oakley slept through it.
"I'm leaving." I announce. "The baby is safe. She's asleep in her crib."
"Oh no..." Meredith says, eyeing the bottle and my unsteady gate. "You're not anywhere."
"You're not my boss. You don't get to make my life decisions." I say, my words slurring a little as I narrow my eyes at her.
"Well maybe I should be." She offers. "You're clearly not making the best choices right now."
"She's wasted..." Mark observes, raising his eyebrows at Meredith, like she personally handed me the bottles. "Is this what she does all day while I'm at work?" He questions her, tone as sharp as knives.
"How would I know?" She shoots back. "I have a job too. I work just as much as you do."
"You want to talk about competence?" I say, beginning to laugh. "You took our premature three-month-old with you on a booty call. I had to throw her clothing away because it reeked of cigarette smoke. You're clearly not winning any parenting awards right now Mark."
"She was asleep in the car seat the entire time. I sat her in the closet so she wouldn't wake up and see anything." He justifies.
"That doesn't make it right, and then you lied about it." I say, shaking my head at him. Looking between him and Meredith as my world crumbles even more around me.
"Addison I'm sorry. It was a mistake." He says, grabbing my hand. I pull away.
"Don't touch me. You don't get to be sorry Mark. You took our premature baby to a dirty hotel. Are you even listening to yourself? How long has this been going on? Were you fucking her after Heavenly died and you had me so drugged, I was comatose?"
"Addison no I..."
"Were the two of you together after you read the suicide note that night?" I ask him, not even caring that Meredith was right there, her eyes grow wide. I never told her about the note, or the pills I was planning to take, but ended up flushing. "Or did it start when you gave authorization to put me in a coma after I went into preterm labor so you wouldn't have to deal with me and the fact that I had zero interest in being a human incubator?"
"Addison that's not fair..." Meredith says, and I turn on her next.
"Do you know this woman?" I ask her. "The only way I can justify you defending this situation is if you know the person, he's doing this with."
"I don't know her Addison."
"Then what is it?" I demand. It is clear I am going to get nothing out of Mark. I will have to get the truth from her. "How long have you known about this? Did it start when I slit my wrists in the hospital bathroom? Is it who he was with the two weeks I was in the hospital, and he didn't even bother to visit or to call? Was that where he was for the hours I was in labor on my own before they moved me to the operating room and Oakley was born?"
"I'm not defending him. Addison stop. I don't know what you want from me." Meredith begs.
"I want the truth and I want you to let me leave."
"No." She forces me to sit down on the couch next to her. She takes my hands in her own squeezing them tightly. "You deserve the truth, but you're staying here until you sober up. You are not safe to leave right now." She then turns to Mark. "You need to be straight with your wife."
"She wants a divorce." He says, shrugging, reminding us of the argument we had at the hospital months ago. He grabs his keys from the hook. "She's not my train wreck anymore. Take her or let her self-destruct. I don't care anymore. I'm done with her bullshit. I can't do this anymore." He grabs his wallet and leaves, slamming the door so hard that the windows shake, and we are cursed by Oakley's frantic screams from the bedroom upstairs.
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Authors Note:
Thank you for reading the latest chapter of In My Blood. Please review : ) I have been playing around with this for a while and I love the fact that Mark isn't as perfect as we all make him out to be. Of course, he is nothing like Derek in some of my other stories, but at some point enough has to be enough right? How much can one person take?