Disclaimer: Knights of the Old Republic is a video game created by Bioware. The Star Wars universe belongs to George Lucas. I am not responsible in any way shape or form for their brilliant ideas. I'm just a fan telling a story about my own personal Revan. Thus: FAN- FICTION. Don't sue me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
As Aithne stumbled up to the Sith Academy, she was halted by a female Sith guarding the entrance with two companions.
"You there! How is it that you are leaving Naga Sadow's tomb by yourself! You went in for your final test, didn't you? Where is Master Uthar?"
Aithne examined the woman. She was dressed in the uniform denoting a person who'd been accepted to the Academy, but wasn't yet a Sith in full. Looking into the young woman's face, Aithne realized she knew her.
She grimaced. "Ah, Leni. You made it in, I see. How's Thaddeus?"
Leni blinked. "Do I know—you're that woman from the cantina! Addison, wasn't it? I knew a woman had gone in for finals, but I never thought…" she recovered herself. "Thaddeus is dead. What are you doing by yourself?"
Aithne sighed. She read in the woman's aura the darkness of a recent murder. She'd thought that it wouldn't be long before Leni had figured out how Thaddeus had been holding her back. She was saddened to find this was the case. "Just let me pass. Master Uthar is dead. I killed him."
Leni took a step back. "What? You…but you aren't even a Sith yet! You're joking!"
Aithne shook her head. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" She opened her pack, and drew out the Sith lightsaber. "But no. I made Sith. I've got the lightsaber, I've peeped at the Star Map, and dealt with both your Sith Masters, in one way or another. Yes, Leni, I'm technically a graduated Sith. But I choose not to continue as one." She deliberately replaced the Sith lightsaber into her pack, feeling the way her entire left arm and shoulder had started to burn. She thought she was beginning to sweat with fever. She had a feeling she knew what she had forgotten, back in Naga Sadow with the terentatek.
"You…you're a spy!" Leni turned to her companions. "Quick! To arms!"
One of her companions ignited a lightsaber immediately, but the other hesitated. "But if the spy was able to kill Master Uthar…"
Leni rolled her eyes. "Don't be such a coward! I've met her before; she's not so tough! Kill her! Do it…"
But in that moment she and her companions were put into a Force Stasis. Their eyes locked on Aithne as she circled them, double green saber activated. She stood in front of Leni, trying not to gasp. That simple Force Stasis had taken much more out of her than usual. But when she spoke, her voice was strong.
"Leni. Don't be an idiot. You can't move now, but I know you can hear me. I don't want to kill you. I have no interest in reporting the position and methods of this Academy to the Jedi Council, even, although it is true that I could. But I'm also not interested in letting you kill me, no matter how much you think it would impress whoever takes over the Academy. Let me pass and I'll leave quietly. If you don't…" she shrugged. "I guess it's your funeral."
Taking a guard position, Aithne slowly let down the Force Stasis. Leni attacked. In one maneuver, Aithne cut the girl down. The others had no time to react before they joined her. An alarm rang out. Aithne brought her com-link up quickly.
"Carth! Jolee! Arm up! Melee weapons and lightsabers! We're gonna have to fight our way out and hide in Dreshdae!"
"Got it, beautiful," Carth's voice came back.
CARTH POV
Carth and Jolee grabbed their packs. Jolee equipped his lightsaber. Carth equipped melee weapons. It wasn't his favorite way to fight, but he was quite as competent with vibroblades as with blasters.
They rushed to the back door, Jolee incapacitating with the Force those that stood in their way. Aithne staggered in. She was paler than usual, but Carth didn't think much of it, as no less than five lightsaber-wielding Sith were headed for them, gunmen in tow.
What followed was a very tense battle to the door. Carth and Jolee dealt with Sith left and right. Aithne did what she could, but Carth began to notice when they passed into the main hall that what Aithne could do was much less than usual. Normally, Aithne would be at the forefront of a battle, taking on the toughest opponents with a beautiful grace and finesse. Now, though, she was sweating and breathing heavily, barely managing to stagger behind Carth and Jolee. And she was decidedly favoring her left arm.
Finally they got out of the Sith Academy. Jolee led them to the thick of the crowds in Dreshdae, and only began walking when he knew that they were truly just three in the multitude.
Carth caught Aithne just before she hit the ground just outside of the Czerka store.
"Hey, whoa, what's the issue?" he asked her gently.
"My arm," she rasped. "There was a terentatek. Back in the tomb. Forgot the blame thing was poisonous. I'll be fine." She tried to stand, but crumpled again. She was turning green.
"Get her out of the way," Jolee commanded suddenly. Carth carried Aithne to a little alcove where they wouldn't be seen or in the way of passersby. Aithne only muttered a few weak protests, and Carth's heart started beating a little faster. She was really hurt. He knelt, the Jedi woman still in his arms, and Jolee came over.
"Sit still for a moment, lass," he commanded. He looked her over head to toe with sharp eyes, finally focusing on the three rips in her left sleeve, wide and far apart. There was very little blood around the area. It didn't look serious. "This is it?"
Aithne barely nodded. "Just a scratch, right? I'll be fine." Her face was turning gray now.
Jolee tore open Aithne's sleeve, careful not to get cloth fibers in the wound. Three deep, wide gashes marred her finely boned forearm. The gashes weren't bleeding, or cauterized like lightsaber wounds. But they were edged in a vivid greenish yellow, and oozing a sickly white pus.
"Oh, Aithne," Carth said.
"It's not too pretty, right?" she managed. Her voice seemed to come from a long way away. "But there were two of them…"
Jolee's right hand lit up blue. His left grasped Carth's shoulder as Aithne's eyes went out of focus. "Call her," he ordered. "You keep her here, sonny." He placed his right hand on Aithne's arm, and his left over her heart, leaning over her and closing his eyes.
Carth touched Aithne's chin. Panic was squeezing his heart with iron coils. "Aithne," he said urgently. "Beautiful. Look at me. Jolee's trying to get the poison out, but you've got to work, too. Work with me, beautiful."
Aithne's head lolled to one side. Carth turned it back. "No way, Aithne. Don't you dare go and die on me."
At the word dare, Aithne's eyelashes fluttered. Jolee said, "Yes, keep going!"
Looking down, Carth saw blood on Jolee's right hand, along with a dark green venom flowing slowly out of the wound.
"C'mon, beautiful," he urged Aithne. "You're not going to let something like this beat you, are you?"
"Carth?" Aithne murmured. Her eyelashes fluttered again, then opened. Straight away her golden brown eyes focused on Carth's face, and color began returning to her cheeks.
"Hello, beautiful," Carth said.
The last bit of skin flowed over Aithne's wound, and she looked down at her arm, and flexed it. Carth helped her to sit.
Jolee was shaking, a little. Aithne gripped his shoulder. "Old man, you're the best Healer I've ever seen," she told him roughly. She hugged him tightly. "You saved my life. Thanks."
Jolee hugged her back. "I'm just glad you got to us in time," he said.
Aithne turned to Carth then, glaring at him. "What was all that, flyboy? You didn't think Jolee couldn't handle it, did you?"
Carth was suddenly furious. "Well if you hadn't been stupid enough to leave the tombs without first making sure you weren't poisoned, he wouldn't have had to. Damn it, Aithne!" He grabbed her shoulders. All the anxiety that had built up in Carth's chest for her was still desperate for release.
Aithne tossed her head. "There was kind of a few dozen Sith to deal with, Carth. They had me under a bit of a time constraint. I'm fine now."
She was. She fairly glowed with health, though she still sat half-cradled in his arms. She was still glaring at him, beautiful, alive, and contrary.
Carth pulled her to him, rather roughly, actually, and kissed her.
AITHNE POV
Aithne was outright shocked for a moment. She froze. But Carth's arms were strong around her, and his lips were warm against hers, and as liquid electricity flowed through her, Aithne found herself responding quite beyond what was wise or even proper in a Dreshdae alley in front of Jolee Bindo.
When they parted, Carth was grinning broadly. Aithne looked down, and her hair tumbled into her face, hiding her flaming cheeks. She had thrown herself into that kiss with everything she was! What must he think of me? She wondered, quite forgetting the ardor with which Carth had initiated. A strong hand forced her chin up.
"No," Carth said softly. "Don't hide. Don't you dare hide." And he kissed her again, softly and sweetly.
Aithne began to smile, too, and Carth helped her to her feet. "We should meet up with the others," he said.
"If you're quite finished here," Jolee said mildly. Carth grinned. Aithne blushed. And hand in hand, Carth and Aithne led the way back to the Ebon Hawk.
Bastila, Mission, and Zaalbar were waiting on the ramp.
"I felt you coming," Bastila announced. "Is she alright?" she asked Carth. Aithne knew she referred to the terentatek wound. Bastila would have felt it over their bond.
"I'm right here Bas, and I'm fine," Aithne said tolerantly, tossing Bastila the Star Map datapad. "Jolee took care of it. He saved my life."
Zaalbar and Mission went up to Jolee. /Thank you for saving Aithne Morrigan,/ Zaalbar said. /You have my gratitude, Jolee Bindo./
"Mine, too," said Mission softly, giving the old man her hand.
"Oh, less of it," Jolee said, touched despite his gruff words. "It wasn't all me. The lass did a great deal of coming back herself, though I think Carth here helped some."
"I imagine he did," Bastila said sharply, eyeing Carth and Aithne's still linked hands. "But we should all get off of this planet as soon as possible. The Sith will not remain in confusion for long."
"Sensed that too, did you?" Aithne said, annoyed.
"Oh, I've sensed a great deal since your absence, Padawan," Bastila said. "We'll talk about it later."
Aithne glared at Bastila. Who did the girl think she was, anyway? But she followed the group inside the ship, closing the entryway behind her
"Juhani and Canderous got here a while ago with supplies," Mission said cheerfully to Aithne. "We ought to be ready to leave any time."
Aithne smiled at the teenager. "It's good to see you, Mish. Big Z." Looking at Bastila, she relented. "Okay, fine. Even you, Bastila, though I'm sure you're going to tongue lash me to death about my Dark Side escapades on Korriban the minute you get the chance."
She turned to Carth. "Carth, set a course for Tatooine. We're overdue for an appointment with one Griff Vao, and there's a Star Map there, too."
Mission squealed and hugged Aithne. Carth grinned. "Roger that, Aithne. Of course, I'll need my copilot to take off."
"Of course you will," Aithne said blandly. "Padawan Shan, I'm afraid our conversation will just have to wait. The captain needs you for take-off. When will you be able to release her, captain?"
Carth gave a mock grimace. "Oh, there's so much to do! Probably not for several hours, at least. If it's agreeable to you, Padawan Shan? We really ought to be going."
Aithne shot Carth a grateful smile, and he winked at her. Bastila was incoherent for several seconds. "You two! I swear I'll…Force!"
"Bastila Shan! Is that any way to talk?" Aithne scolded. "Anger leads to the Dark Side, you know."
Mission, Jolee, and Zaalbar were laughing. Bastila's face turned a very interesting shade of puce. But finally she took a deep breath, and calmed. "Fine," she managed ungraciously. "We'll see you later."
"I'll be looking forward to it," Aithne said, giving Bastila a little finger wave as Carth ushered the irate Sentinel from the room.
"You realize you just made your own life a lot harder, don't you?" Jolee asked, amused.
"I suppose I'll have to hear her lecture eventually," Aithne sighed, "But meanwhile, it's just so much fun to agitate her. I owe Carth one."
"What does she want to lecture you about, though?" Mission wanted to know. "I mean, me and Big Z have been hearing things…" her face darkened, and Aithne imagined what she'd heard.
She grabbed Mission's hand and led her to the table, sitting down across from her. "I imagine she wants to lecture me about my Dark Side escapades on Korriban, like I said," she said quietly.
"Did you help Carth?"
Aithne brightened. "Yes we did. We found his son, convinced him to turn his back on the Sith, and started him and Carth back on the road to a healthy relationship."
"Great!" Mission said. "And you got the Star Map…" her face clouded again. "Aithne, what all did you do?"
Aithne closed her eyes against the memories. But no, she needed to remember. She needed to make sure she never went to the Dark Side again. So she opened her mind to Bastila, who even now was probing, and she spoke to Mission and Zaalbar.
"I nearly tortured a man to death in Dreshdae. Carth shot him and stopped me. I betrayed and betrayed again Sith Masters who wanted to use me for power struggles. I tortured a Mandalorian to death and killed the interrogator that would have claimed the credit for breaking him. I sent one of my competitors to his death by trickery, and tricked another one into trusting me and killed her."
Throughout this frank recital, Mission's face had grown graver and graver. She looked at Aithne now, and it was as if she were seeing her in a whole new light. She began to move away. But Zaalbar was looking at her shrewdly.
/Aithne,/ said Zaalbar. /What happened after you killed this woman?/
"After that, Big Z, I realized what I had done. In my compassion for the lives the Sith had twisted and harmed, in my quest to stop them, I had allowed anger to warp my mind. In my acting the part of the Sith, I had begun to be one of them. I realized I didn't like who I was becoming. So I convinced another one of my competitors to leave the Sith for the Jedi. I underwent torture to spare the life of a murderer. And I turned the second-highest ranking Sith Master at that Academy back to the Light Side. I made up my mind never to walk the Dark path again." Aithne shrugged. "All the power is intoxicating, but in the end it only burns you out and leaves you an empty shell of yourself, broken and evil. And I'll never go there."
"Never?" Mission asked, eyes measuring Aithne.
"Never." Aithne said, and the words were a promise. Mission smiled hesitantly.
/I'm proud of you, Aithne Morrigan,/ Zaalbar said solemnly. /You have learned the hard way the lesson that must be learned. I am convinced that because of this experience, you will be wiser and greater than before./
Aithne smiled up at Zaalbar. /Your confidence honors me/ she told him in Shyriiwook.
The Ebon Hawk began to quiver, and Aithne and the others went to their places for the launch.
BASTILA POV
Bastila had realized as early as Taris that Carth Onasi might prove to be problematic. She liked Carth. She was glad that he had survived the Endar Spire crash, but not for the first time Bastila thought how much more convenient it would have been if someone a little less intelligent and far less attractive to Aithne had survived instead.
The woman would have had her doubts in any case. She would have been a challenge to control, even aside from the fact that Bastila didn't really want to control her, anyway. But with Carth in the equation, observing all the same things Aithne herself had observed, and refusing to keep quiet about them, and…oh it was becoming increasingly impossible to do the task Bastila had been assigned by the Jedi Council.
Most of it was Aithne's fault. The woman was headstrong, rebellious, and simply refused to take the Order and its tenets seriously. Bastila would talk to her about that later, and how it had nearly led to disaster on the planet they had just left, but Carth wasn't helping. Bastila decided she would have to talk to him, too.
"Carth Onasi, you do realize that Aithne Morrigan is a Jedi, do you not?" she said finally.
Carth frowned. "Yes, Bastila, I know that she's a Jedi," he said.
"Whatever your feelings for her might be, you cannot simply act upon them as you might have done before she became a Jedi!"
Carth flipped a switch and steered the Hawk a little to the right.
"The Jedi have rules about attachment, Carth!"
"Look, Bastila," Carth said at last. "I guess you've been picking up brain frequencies from Aithne or something. I might point out that listening in qualifies as eavesdropping and should be beneath you. Now. I respect the Order, but I also know that Aithne never wanted to be a Jedi. Hell, everyone on the Endar Spire knew that she never even wanted to be there." He looked sideways at Bastila. "I don't know what you want with her. But you can't just keep manipulating her and expect her to follow all of your rules." He paused. "If it comes down to a contest of wills, you'll lose," he added in a low voice.
Bastila shifted in her seat and spun a dial. "This- this is not just about me," she said. Why couldn't Carth Onasi have been a stupid man? "I care about her, Carth. She has a great destiny! If she's mooning over you the entire time, the weight of it all could crush her."
Carth's jaw was set. "Aithne's professional enough to keep going, whatever happens or doesn't happen between us. Honestly, it's none of your business." he said.
Bastila persisted. "Carth, on Korriban she was distracted, distraught. On your behalf! Have you even considered that she might not have had such difficulties with the Dark Side, for however brief a time, if she hadn't been trying so earnestly to be a Sith to recover your son!"
"That's out of line!" Carth said. The tone was just sharp enough to cause Bastila to backtrack.
"I… I apologize," she managed. "I just…I just want what's best for her. She's the galaxy's best hope."
"Yes," Carth said. "She is the galaxy's best hope. She is. Not you. Has it ever occurred to you that Aithne might want to make her own decisions? That her decisions might actually be good ones? Bastila, Aithne made mistakes on Korriban. But I saw her…I saw her tortured before she'd allow a murderer to die, too. Just maybe, Bastila, Aithne's life is her business. Maybe she wants me to be a part of it." He smiled. "Maybe I'm okay with that."
Bastila studied Carth's face as he punched the buttons to prepare the Hawk for the jump to hyperspace. It occurred to her that this was a much healthier man than the one she'd been acquainted with on the Spire, and once again she felt a wave of confusion pass over her regarding Aithne, her motives, and her actions pass over her. "You've changed, Carth Onasi," Bastila observed finally. "Time was once that you'd have died before you trusted Aithne Morrigan. Or anyone. Hmm." And Bastila fell silent, thinking.
A few hours later, Aithne turned up in the cockpit. "Alright, Bastila, I'm ready to be scolded."
Bastila pressed her lips together. Aithne's thoughts since she'd boarded the Hawk from Korriban had showed a true realization and repentance of her Dark actions. The only thing there was for Bastila to scold Aithne about was the one thing that she already knew Aithne wouldn't listen to. And Carth had clearly demonstrated he wouldn't support any interference. Calculating her options, Bastila determined that the only thing lecturing Aithne would accomplish at this point was alienation. And that was the last thing she wanted. "Actually," she said, "I cannot think of anything in particular I wish to speak with you about." She nodded with dignity at Carth.
Aithne's eyes darted from Bastila to the pilot. "Carth? What in the galaxy have you done to her?" she demanded. "Bastila? You sure there's nothing you want to talk to me about?"
"No," Bastila said firmly.
"Flyboy…you broke Bastila!" Aithne exclaimed.
Carth laughed. "You're welcome," he said.
This was irritating, Bastila thought, to say the least. But what happened next utterly floored her. Aithne flew at Carth and kissed him full on the mouth. Carth looked as surprised as Bastila, and rather pleased, but Aithne withdrew immediately, and looked at Bastila. Bastila stared out at the whiteness of hyperspace, determinedly keeping quiet.
"Nothing?" Aithne asked from her perch on the pilot's lap. Carth laughed again, and Aithne stood and bowed to him. "Captain Onasi, I trust you can spare your co-pilot?"
Carth threw his hands up in the air helplessly. "She's all yours," he said.
Aithne nodded. "Thank you." At that, she crossed to Bastila's seat, seized her arm, pulled her up, and dragged her down the corridor to the conference room.
"Aithne, I am perfectly capable of walking," Bastila protested.
Aithne let her go, glaring at her indignantly. "Ok. What gives?" she demanded. "Aren't you going to remind me of the dangers of the Dark Side? I showed you all my memories from Korriban. Heck, I threw them into your brain! I kissed Carth! Don't you care?"
Bastila crossed her arms. "What would you like me to say, Aithne?" she demanded. "Would anything I might say change your mind about pursuing Carth Onasi?"
Aithne considered. "Probably not," she admitted sheepishly.
"And your aura and state of mind clearly denotes that your experience on Korriban changed you for the better. I very much doubt you'll dabble in the Dark Side again. So what have I to say?" Bastila waited, annoyed.
Amazingly, Aithne actually looked hurt. She grabbed Bastila's shoulders, "C'mon, Bastila," she pleaded. "You can't just stop lecturing me because I don't listen! You lecture, I make faces! It's how we work! I'm sure it's making me better, really."
"Why do you really want me to lecture you, Aithne?" Bastila sighed wearily.
Aithne dropped her hand. "Because when I opened my mind to give you those memories, I felt across the connection and you seemed upset. A Force bond is all well and good, but when you rant I get a better idea of what you're thinking and feeling. And I want to know."
And there it was! Bastila wondered how it was possible for one woman to be so infuriating and so admirable all at the same time. "There is one thing I would like to ask you," she admitted. "If you'll permit it."
"Thank you!" Aithne said dramatically. "Please be pompous and self-righteous and self-controlled, Bas! I don't know what I'd do if you weren't! Go ahead and ask. Whatever you want."
Bastila closed her eyes. There it was again. "I just cannot understand you!" she said finally, turning away and beginning to pace. "By all rights you should have fallen on Korriban, with the way you behave! You completely ignore the tenets of the Jedi Order. You lose your temper right and left. You pursue, rather than avoid attachment. And yet you continue to walk in the Light!" She rounded on Aithne. "How do you do it? How do you stay so secure in yourself? For me it has always been a constant battle!"
Aithne was staring at her, eyes wide and mouth open, completely surprised. She shook her head finally. "Bastila, I don't know," she said. "Back there on Korriban I just…I couldn't stay in Darkness, is all. I just couldn't." She grabbed Bastila's shoulders again, deadly serious. "But it calls to me. Always."
Bastila laughed bitterly. "Strangely, that's a relief to hear. I've never found the Jedi path an easy one to walk, and it's good to know I'm not alone. I've always struggled for control over my passions. I've always been too quick to anger, too quick to get involved. My instructors constantly berated me for it. I've often dreamed that I might be able to confront Darth Malak myself," she confessed. "I dream I can use all the power I have to kill him and stop all the death and destruction. I just think about all the evil that the Sith have caused and I…I get so furious. Yet we are told that these feelings are the path to the Dark Side."
"Shhh," Aithne said lowly. "Shhh. Bastila. Look at me."
Bastila looked up at the older woman, and shook. Aithne looked at her with pity and compassion. "Bastila, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me you were struggling with this? I know you were supposed to help me, but you know I'm here to help you, too, when you need it, don't you?" She sighed. "They're children, Bastila," she said softly. "I learned that on Korriban. The young soldiers, the bulk of the Sith war effort, are nothing but misguided children. You've nothing to fear from them. But your anger…
"I know it well. That's the flip side of your compassion, a very Jedi trait, I might add. But if you feed it, and indulge it?" Aithne shook her head, and the images of young Sith on Korriban flooded Bastila's mind, along with an overwhelming wave of regret. "Of itself, your anger is not wrong. But if you let it control you it will twist you and corrupt you, and you will fall. But don't suppress it, Bastila."
Bastila shook her head, confused. "Would I become the very evil I want to destroy if I used my power to eradicate Malak?" she asked Aithne. "The very idea that I could become that evil; I just can't fathom it! It just doesn't seem possible. How could I?" Abruptly, though, Bastila remembered who she was talking to, and she shivered. "Why am I even asking you this?" she murmured. "The Jedi Teachings are clear. Who am I to question them?"
Aithne looked at Bastila meaningfully. "Human," she said simply.
Bastila shook Aithne off. "These are dangerous thoughts," she said. "The indulgence of a vain mind. Please, forget I ever mentioned this." And she strode off. Perhaps meditation would clear her mind.
AITHNE POV
Aithne stood in the conference room alone for a long time, thinking. She'd misjudged Bastila badly. There was much more to the girl than she'd given her credit for, and for the first time, Aithne was a little worried about what this mission and their cooperation was doing to the younger Jedi. She went to the cockpit, halfway hoping to find Bastila again, but she wasn't there.
"What did you say to her?" Aithne asked Carth.
"Basically? I told her to mind her own business and that you were well able to take care of yourself," Carth said, without taking his eyes from the display.
Aithne swung herself into the co-pilot's seat. "Thanks for that," she said, "but I think we've upset the delicate balance that is Bastila Shan."
"How so?"
"Apparently, she's not the perfect Jedi princess," Aithne informed Carth. "Never has been. The girl has fantasies about going…well…I guess Canderous…on Darth Malak. She's angry and scared and struggling. Seeing me get along without her precious precepts…well, it's shaken her up."
"Good," Carth retorted. "She still has a lot to learn, key to the war effort or not."
"Yes, but don't be harsh with her. She's been fed Order nonsense her whole life. She won't learn wisdom in a day," Aithne said.
The right side of Carth's mouth quirked up. "I never thought I'd see the day where you were arguing for Bastila Shan."
Aithne grinned. "Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are." The two of them fell into a companionable silence. Carth broke it first.
"I don't regret it," he said, carefully not looking at her.
Aithne didn't pretend to misunderstand him. "Kissing me?"
"Yes. I don't regret it."
To tell the truth, she had been a little worried about that. Aithne nodded. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.
Carth gave a little sad half smile. "You. Me. My wife. Dustil."
"What about them?" Aithne wanted to know.
"I've been forgetting her face lately," Carth confessed. "I can remember things about her…things she did. The way she smiled, what her hair smelled like, our last fight…just not her face. I try to hold it in my head, but it's gone. Is that strange?" He looked awkwardly at Aithne. "Maybe I shouldn't be talking to you about this.
Aithne looked at her hands. She knew exactly what this meant. Carth was trying to move on and trying not to at the same time. "You remember the important things, Carth," she said quietly. "And you know you can talk to me about anything."
Carth looked away, annoyed. "But I should be able to remember her face!" he said. "It's frustrating! I feel like I'm losing her." He shot Aithne a worried glance, and Aithne smiled at him ironically. Yes, it's me. Yes, I'm still here. Yes, I'm the woman you kissed three times today. "I, uh…it must look really strange for me to be obsessing like this, still. You must think I'm incredibly stupid," he said.
Aithne shook her head. "No," she said firmly. "I don't think you're stupid. I think you're healing. I don't think your wife would want you to keep fighting it, to keep torturing yourself."
She stuck to the simple truth, trying to keep her words as devoid of self-interest as she could, considering. Whether or not Carth decided to try anything with her, it was time and past he healed and moved on.
Carth however, grimaced. "I suppose you're probably right," he said. "But I have to do it anyway. The only thing that's kept me going after she died has been the need to find Saul and kill him. It's better to think about that…than anything else," he said, looking at Aithne apologetically. Aithne bit her lip and nodded, getting his point. Carth hurried on. "Look, if I can do that, maybe I can let her go. Let it all go. If we encounter Saul…if we ever have the chance, promise me that I will be the one to kill him. I have to settle this. I need to."
Aithne heard the Dark Side in his tone, heard the anger and hatred, and was suddenly annoyed. "Carth," she said. "How do you think the ones who survived and weren't soldiers settled it? They forgave. They moved. They lived and moved on! That's the way it's supposed to work, Carth! Revenge won't settle anything, and deep down, I think you know that."
But Carth's jaw had set, and Aithne knew that calling him out had been the wrong route in this instance. "Whether it does or not," he said. "That's the way it has to be. Because Aithne? I am a soldier, and Saul did betray me. I…guess there's no need to discuss it until something happens."
Aithne crossed her arms, rising. "I guess not," she said flatly. "Or much else, either."
And turning on her heel, she left, cursing herself inside her head as she left the cockpit because she knew she wasn't just walking out. He'd kissed her and didn't regret it, so as stupid as trying anything with Carth was, she knew she'd be back.
But she managed to stay away for several days. She spent hours playing Pazaak with Mission, and talking with Jolee and Canderous. Bastila was avoiding her, and Juhani never spoke unless spoken to.
Carth was not avoiding her. In fact, he sometimes sought her out. But Aithne never spoke to him for more than a few seconds, and never alone. She knew it was unreasonable. He was hurting and healing and probably couldn't help holding onto the grudge he'd held for years, even if he wanted to move on with her. But if he couldn't help that, Aithne couldn't help being bothered by it, either. She'd forgive him. Eventually.
She asked Jolee about his wife one day. He wouldn't tell her anything, but he did imply that he'd gone to Kashyyyk to forget bad memories he'd had relating to her. "Let me ask you this:" he said. "Have you ever been in love? Truly in love, I mean, and not simple infatuation."
Aithne hesitated, then finally answered, "Ask me again in a couple of months."
Jolee smiled a bit, then nodded. "The pilot, is it? Well, let me tell you this. You're still at the beginning of your life, Aithne. There will be men…perhaps many men in your life, but if you're fortunate you'll find love once. The Jedi, with their damnable sense of over-caution, would tell you love is something to avoid. Thankfully, anyone who's even partially alive knows that's not true."
Aithne seized on this. Mockingly, she asked, "But aren't you worried about the Dark Side?"
Jolee laughed a little, and shook his head. "Love doesn't lead to the Dark Side," he said firmly. "Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled….but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love…that's what they should teach you to beware. But love, itself, will save you…not condemn you." He looked at Aithne suddenly, and grinned self-mockingly. "Ah, but listen to me go on as if I had all the answers. What do I know of love anymore? I'm just a lonely old man who's not even a Jedi."
Aithne looked back at him, unperturbed. "But you're making the most sense I've heard since I got into this mess," she said softly. "I want to hear what you have to say."
"You do, do you?" demanded Jolee. "I wouldn't listen to closely…I'm no authority on anything. I just think that the greatest things in life shouldn't be avoided because they come with a few complications. Love causes pain, certainly. Inevitably love is going to lead to as much sorrow and regret as it does joy. I suppose there are perfect, eternal loves out there…but I haven't seen one. How you deal with the bad part of love is what determines your character, what determines the Dark Side's hold over you."
"Do you think love can ever work?" Aithne asked, thinking of Carth.
Jolee considered. "I suppose it could," he conceded. "It would take a strong person to make that kind of commitment I think. Someone with a great sense of self." He chuckled, looking Aithne up and down. "Hm. Maybe you and Carth could work out. You're both the most stubborn kids I've had the misfortune to see. I'll tell you one thing, though." And his face grew grave. "Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you and the one you love simply aren't meant to be together. The trick is to know when that is, to know when it's time to fight, and when it's time to part ways." He seemed to realize he'd said too much, then, because he snorted. "Hmph. There I go waxing philosophical again. Somebody blast me already! Let's get going before I start talking in riddles, dammit!"
Aithne could see that it was no use talking to Jolee further that day, so she left.
The day before they were due to arrive on Tatooine, Canderous told her about Revan. This was of particular interest to Aithne, due to her dreams and Master Zhar's observance of her own resemblance to the savior-turned-villain of the Republic.
"Revan was a genius on the field," Canderous said admiringly. "She abandoned worlds of their defenders so that others would be to fortified to strike, and was willing to make sacrifices in order to advance goals."
Aithne was immediately reminded of the unanswered question in the Shadowlands of Korriban, and shuddered. "And in the end," Canderous said quietly. "Revan proved too much for us. The Sith had gone-retreated into their empire. They sealed themselves off from the rest of the galaxy. We thought it'd be centuries before they'd come back." His craggy face assumed a thoughtful expression for a moment. "It's amazing that they could rebuild their fleet so fast," he said. "But at the time, it looked like the galaxy was in our grasp. I still remember that final battle in the skies above Malachor V. The two fleets filling the space around it…outshining the stars!"
"What happened in the battle?" Aithne asked.
Canderous looked at Aithne, amused. "It was not your ships or your men or your vaunted 'fight for freedom' that won this, the final battle of the war. It was by the actions of one person, the Jedi Revan, that you prevailed. Her strategies and tactics defeated the best of us. Even Mandalore himself was taken aback by the ferocity, the tenacity, and the subtlety of her plans. Revan fought us to a standstill and then began pushing back. We didn't really have a chance."
"Why didn't you retreat?" Aithne asked, frankly astonished.
Canderous gave a little smile, one of the very few Aithne could ever recall seeing on his face. "It was what we had wanted all along, in a way. We wanted to fight the best in a battle that would be remembered for centuries. And we did. Revan won. I don't hold a grudge against Revan, and neither do any of my people. It was the greatest moment of my life to be in that battle. If she'd been a Mandalorian, nothing in the galaxy would've stopped us. But wishing for the past to be different is useless. Better to look to the future. As we should now. We'll talk more later, I think."
Aithne smiled. "Good," was her only reply.
It was late, and so Aithne went to her dormitory, thinking of Revan, and how frightening it was to identify with her so strongly, to be such a small person, with so much weight upon her shoulders.
A/N: Yeah, well. Carth's an idiot, and Aithne's not perfect enough to forgive him and work with him through everything. Good thing, too, that she's temperamental and sometimes whiny and sometimes afraid. I like her better that way. I hate the transit chapters. In the next chapter, Aithne forgives Carth for being a grudge-holding space-brain, and someone has a birthday.
LMSharp
P.S. I appreciate your input!