In My Blood
Chapter 17
Oakley 3 months old
Authors Note: If you do not like that Addison has daughters in this story, please find another story to read where she has a son. I am sure there are hundreds of others to choose from if you look. Yes, there ARE many to choose from on this platform (The author loveandlearn has written several amazing stories where Addison is a mom to a son). Try putting this into google if you need help. "Addison Montgomery + son + fan fiction" If you like my writing style you can check out my other stories. At the time this was originally posted I had a couple other stories where Addison has a son. I have a few more now. I will not be changing the genders of already established characters in my stories. (Leaving this blurb with the rewrite in case this 'issue' comes up again.)
Meredith Grey-Shepherd's Point of View:
"Oakley's sleeping again." I inform Addison, before dropping down onto the couch beside her. I notice that the bottle of Gin is over halfway gone. She has tear stains on her cheeks and deep scratches from what looks like her fingernails on the inside of her bare arms from wrist to elbow. Those scars aren't going to be a pretty. "Oh Addison..." I whisper, but she doesn't respond, just stares blankly at the door Mark walked out of, pausing in her shock only to take another drink from the bottle.
"He left me." She mumbles, after what feels like an eternity. "I was going to leave him, but then he left me, and he didn't even take the hell potato."
"I know." I say soothingly, and then "I wish you'd stop calling her that." I know she doesn't mean Oakley any harm, and Oakley is too young to understand, but it hurts me that she is having such a hard time bonding with Oakley. I try to sound soothing, but I'm not successful. I'm actually surprised it took this long for them to separate. Tensions have been boiling under the surface for a while now. I get her medical bag from the closet and clean the scratches on her arms. She doesn't protest, just lets her arms fall limp as I clean the wounds and wrap them. It isn't a serious wound, it's not an emergency, but the skin was broken deeply in several places and bleeding. Fingernails have to be the dirtiest thing on this planet she could have chosen to scratch herself with. I cringe thinking of the gunk and bacteria under the average persons fingernails. I think painfully of the days she would sit gazing out the window, dead to the world around her. Is this really any better? I blink my eyes several times quickly, trying to think of something else, anything else. This isn't as bad as that was. It can't be. I try to force myself to believe that she's going to be fine. I try to fight down the tiny voice that screams in the back of my mind. 'She'll be fine unless the love of her life leaving her is the straw that finally breaks the camels back.' I try and silence it. She's strong. Everything will be fine.
"I need you to take the baby." She says, when I stop trying to soothe her. Despite the intoxicating levels of alcohol in her system she sounds one hundred percent sober in her request. It's chilling. I study her, trying to gauge how much of this is her talking and how much is the level of intoxication.
"I can take her." I start... Mark shouldn't have left her with the baby to begin with. She's not doing well. She can barley take care of herself, let alone a baby. He is insistent that she try though, that the baby will somehow pull her out of this darkness that has surrounded her. "But Addison why? Derek will need to know why." Mark made us God Parents to Oakley. I don't know how he managed Addison's signature on the paperwork. She buries her face in the couch pillow, for a second I am concerned she is trying to suffocate herself, but then I realize she is sobbing. I move closer to her, rubbing her back, soothing her. When she calms down I recognize that look of emptiness in her eyes.
"I'm scared." She admits, voice quivering. She finishes off the bottle and drops it on the floor, not even caring. "I don't want to hurt her Meredith."
"You're afraid you'll hurt her?" I ask, realizing this is more emergent that I originally thought.
"I don't want to hurt her." She says, looking down, ashamed. She is resting her head in her hands. "I need help." She whispers. She is cryin so hard, and I know she's serious. She must be out of her mind with grief and absolute terror right now if this is even a thought in her mind. I am sure she would never hurt Oakley, or any child for that matter. Things are different though. I am thinking about the old Addison. Trauma changes people. She is under such a deep depression and with Oakley's colicky behavior...
"Okay." I agree. "If you're sure."
"I am." She says. "This is the best thing for Oakley. She's not safe with me."
"How long?" I ask, but she is lost in her thoughts. I busy myself texting Derek, waiting for her response. I almost do not heart he next thing she whispers.
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
"Suffocation is indistinguishable from SIDS in a three-month-old infant, and it terrifies me that I know that." I don't know why I tell her this. I don't even know why I stayed. I could have just left that day at the hospital. I could have taken the shots to dry up my milk supply and left to live my best life. I could have gone through with signing my rights over to Mark and left. Everyone would have been better off if that was what I had done. Everyone would have been better off if I would have just had the abortion, I wanted from the beginning instead of carrying this child for Mark. Everyone would have been better off if I just disappeared into the night and stopped complicating everyone's lives. Especially Oakley. Her life is already complicated enough. She deserves to be with someone who loves her.
"How long have you been feeling this way?" She asks me, she shivers noticeably at my words. I need more alcohol. That would mean a trip to the store though. No. Just No. I would have to convince her to drive me or go through the trouble of calling a taxi. I try to think of a proper answer to her question. When had I woken up from the drug induced haze and agreed under duress to carry this child to term? My memory of that time is still so foggy, but I think it was sometime before that. Was it a dream? I remember sitting on the edge of a bathtub full of pregnancy tests after Heavenly's funeral. I felt as if my life was going to end as I dunked one after another after another into the cup of pee, waited for the result and threw them angrily into the bathtub.
"Since the beginning." I say, feeling a lump forming in my throat. You can do something for a good reason, and it still not be a good thing. You can change your mind; you can be unsure.
"Then why did you have the baby if you knew from that early on you didn't want her?" She drills me. It's very similar to the question she asked me so long ago, in the hospital. I have a better understanding of my true reasoning now.
"Mark wanted to keep the baby and I wanted to keep Mark." I admit, shrugging. "After Heavenly's death I would have agreed to anything. I didn't think giving him the baby he so desperately wanted would affect me like it did. I made a mistake. People make mistakes Meredith." There was a time in between the time I found out I was pregnant and the time that I was started on the medications. I could have slipped out one day while he was at work and had the procedure done. I just couldn't though.
"You're killing yourself Addison; you can see that right?" She asks me.
"It doesn't really matter much now does it. Mark has his baby. He has his girlfriend. He's moved on."
"Addison..." She please, her voice pained.
"Meredith, it's okay." I say, trying to soothe her. "This isn't a bad thing. I want to die." It scares me a little bit that the thought of dying comforts me. My voice is calm, unlike my own. It's like a realization.
"We need to call Mark." She says cautiously. "You need help, and if he truly knew how bad this was..."
"After what he did? Absolutely not. It is clear he doesn't care. I know he wouldn't even answer our calls and you know he's probably of with that girl." I push my lips together hard, pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth trying not to cry at the thought of him running to her and not me. If only I had... I don't know … been better. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated. It sounds so reasonable in my mind. This is my fault. I'm not good enough for him. My grief for Heavenly is the wedge that allowed this woman to come into our lives.
"Well, we need to call somebody." She says.
"There is nobody. I have nobody."
"Addison Montgomery that isn't true, and you know it." She protests. "You need help. I'm your best friend. I'll always be here for you, and you can talk to me about anything, but I'm afraid for you." She takes my hands in hers. "I'm worried because it sounds like what you're saying is the only way to escape the darkness is suicide."
"I'm sorry. I'm fine." I try and convince her. "I shouldn't have said that. You shouldn't be drug into this whole mess." I automatically apologize, thinking maybe she'll think I'm being dramatic and overreacting, that she'll forget what I've said. Unlikely at best. I should have just kept my big mouth shut. I'll never get rid of her now. The urge to cut is suddenly so strong that I tremble, fighting hard to resist it. I always screw everything up. She knows me too well. It is likely even if I didn't say anything she would have known something was wrong. Words don't have to be spoken, but I was doing fine. I was pretending everything was fine when she was around. Maybe that Willow was here as well. I was fine with pretending until I wasn't anymore.
"One you're not fine. Two I'm not sorry I'm involved. This is your reality. This is your truth. There is nothing written in stone saying this has to be your future too. You need someone in your corner."
I just shrug non-committed, and Meredith says something about Derek needing her to call him. He needs to know when she'll be home or if she's staying. If she is bringing the baby with her or if she needs him to come picks her up once the Nanny takes Willow to her ballet lesson. She dials his number, and when he answers starts feeding him information. I protest that she just needs to go and take Oakley. She needs to spend the rest of the day with her family. How often does she and Derek have the day off at the same time anymore? At least they get to come home together most nights with his new schedule.
"No. This is not up for discussion Addison." She says, before continuing her conversation with her husband. I go back to looking at the doorway numbly. She doesn't tell him exactly what's going on, just that I need her to take the baby, and they'll talk about it more when she comes home tonight. She tells him to give Willow a hug and a kiss for her. I can hear her on the other end of the line 'But I want to see Aunt Addison too! Why does Mommy get to go, and I don't?' Derek starts talking to Willow and Meredith hangs up the phone.
"Derek will be over to pick up Oakley in around an hour. He'll look after her until I get home."
"You don't have to stay."
"Yes, I do."
"Just because I want to die doesn't mean I'm going to die Meredith."
"Your track record isn't the best. You haven't exactly been honest when you say you're not going to hurt yourself. I'm surprised you're not passed out with alcohol poisoning right now."
"I need to take a shower." I say. "I need to put on clean clothes and wash my hair."
"What? Why?" You just had a bath earlier. She says, and I am reminded of her pulling me out of the water, accusing me of trying to drown myself.
"I don't want Derek to see... I don't want him to know how bad things truly are." I don't know why I care. Maybe I just don't want him running his mouth to Mark about what a train wreck I am. I know they talk. "I don't want Mark to know y'all have Oakley. I will give you the money, pay for her food, lodging, clothing, the nanny, whatever you need, but I don't want him to know."
"Addison... this is his baby too."
"He's not a Father Meredith." I tell her blankly. "He heard you say I'm suicidal earlier and still he leaves this baby I never wanted with home. That's not what a father does. If he really wanted her, he should have taken her with him." I say, talking about Oakley like she is an abandoned puppy that's been dropped on my doorstep or something.
"You are her mother Addison." She reminds me, ignoring my look when she says this. "Do you really think Oakley would be better off in a hotel room with Mark's girlfriend? Do you really want someone like that holding your baby?" She asks, and I shrug. I'm not really sure if I care at this point.
"I'm not her mother Meredith." I remind her and she sighs. Oakley begins crying again. I curl up as tightly as I can on the couch, blocking my ears with my hands. The tears start and I can't stop them. I just want to be normal again. I want my life to go back to what it was before. I should want to get up, I should want to care for Oakley, but I can't make myself do it. Her screaming does something to my brain. It feels like it is malfunctioning. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. It makes me want to … I don't even know. I want to run; I want to escape this hell I am living in. I don't even realize that Meredith has gotten up to get her until she is sitting back down next to me holding her. I look at her, dismayed that she brought her downstairs.
"Someone's hungry, aren't you?" Meredith coos at her. Oakley gurgles up at her. She asks if I want to feed her or hold her before Derek gets here and I say 'no'. I don't want to be anywhere near her, but even if I did the alcohol in my system would be too great to safely nurse her. I should pump and use the milk to make soap, or maybe lotion for her. I don't know why I care if my milk supply dries up or not. It's not like we cannot afford formula or something and breastfeeding is crucial for baby's survival. She has a bottle of warmed expressed milk from the fridge. She must have been gone longer than I realized.
"You will always be her mother Addison." Meredith says gently when I don't say anything. "Even if you convince yourself otherwise, she's not just going to go away. Even if you give her up for adoption, or Mark takes her she will always be with you. You carried her for thirty-two weeks. You almost died several times to get her to this earth at a time when she had the highest chance of survival. You advocated for her when you went into preterm labor, and they were going to deliver her too early. You let someone know when you're too overwhelmed and got help instead of hurting her, or yourself. That's what a good mother does." She tells me, watching as Oakley suckles the bottle, drinking it down quickly and then smiling up at Meredith. I give her a look of pure loathing. She burps Oakley, and changes her diaper, and outfit into something more suitable for the weather. I roll my eyes at this. It takes about five seconds to walk from one apartment to the next. Throw a blanket over her, she'll be fine.
Derek rings the doorbell then; I realize I still look like a hot mess. Maybe Meredith will convince him to keep this between us and not involve Mark. Meredith stands up still holding little Oakley and lets him in. My wrapped arms are exposed. I wish I would have put on a long sleeve top. I look wearily to the stairs, knowing I don't have the strength to climb them again.
"Her pack and play is in the corner, and I've packed her a bag." She says, pointing to the corner. I hadn't even noticed she has Oakley's bag we bought to take her things home from the hospital in, her pack and play with safe sleeper attachment I had intended to set up in the living room but never got around to it. She also has a large soft sided cooler, which I know she's filled with frozen breast milk. She must have grabbed all of this when she was tending to Oakley earlier. It scares me that I can zone out that much. "The milk needs to go straight into the freezer."
"I remember." He says. "What happened?" He asks, looking at me suspiciously, worried that there is more going on than what we're saying. "Are you okay Addie?" He asks.
"I'm fine." I say automatically. He doesn't believe this anymore than Meredith does, and he looks to her for confirmation. Meredith shakes her head slightly, distracting him by handing him Oakley, saying
"This little princess wants her Uncle Derek, don't you Oakley? Yes, you do!" She goes to the kitchen and grabs two clean bottles that she had forgotten and and slips them in Oakley's bag.
"She will be fine." Derek says to me. "We'll take good care of her. Willow will be thrilled to have a new playmate."
"Thank you, Derek, really."
"Do you want to give her a snuggle before we go?" He asks, and I pause for a moment not sure.
"Yeah." I whisper, but it takes a minute before I can move. "I'll put her in the car seat for you." I take him from her, holding her close to me and for a second, just one second everything is fine before she realizes it is me who has her and begins to cry, her bottom lip trembling. It's been two months since she came home from the NICU and she still wants nothing to do with me. She will tolerate anyone but me. I've traumatized her beyond repair by not being there with her in the NICU. I lay her in her car seat and buckle the straps, the travel system was left in the entryway so he can just attach her car seat to it on his way out. I know he walked over. We live right next door; driving would be ridiculous.
I kneel on the ground next to Oakley's car seat. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you're going to be okay. We're both going to be okay." My voice is soothing and calm, but she just screams at this. I bite down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. "Uncle Derek and Aunt Meredith are going to take care of you. You're safe. Everything's okay." I say, a conscious effort to keep my voice, light and gentle. She screams harder now, and I just shake my head at her. Derek and Meredith watch as I stand up slowly.
"I can't. I just... I can't do this anymore. Take her." I say, putting my hands up in defeat as my eyes fill with tears. There are so many tears lately. I'm not even sure why I agreed to hold her. I guess I thought maybe I could say goodbye without her realizing it was me. That wouldn't have worked unless she was sleeping though. She hates me. I can't blame her though; I hate me too.
I turn my back to them and walk over to the window seat, sitting down and curling up, resting my head on my knees as I look outside at everyone going about their normal lives. Meredith gives Derek strict instructions not to call Mark, or to let him know we have Oakley as well as things like how often to feed her, how to burp her, all the things he already knows as a dad to a five-year-old. It hasn't been that long. Caring for a baby is not a skill you just suddenly forget. She helps him carry Oakley and her belongings next door. I watch out the window as they go inside their brownstone. I sneak off to the downstairs bathroom. I sit in the shower, not moving, not turning the water on, just enjoying the perfect stillness of it all. The silence has never been so loud. I rest my head on my knees, but I cannot get comfortable. I move my hand to my arm, instinctively to scratch, but forget that both arms are wrapped. I look around for something else to do, but it is a bathroom there is nothing. When I locked myself into the bathroom on that first day home Mark had taken off all the locks on the doors minus the front and back for obvious reasons. He also made sure there were no razors or sharp objects in the downstairs area, and the stuff in the upstairs bathroom is kept behind lock and key. There is a similar system that holds all of the sharps and medications in the kitchen so I cannot access them on my own. The key is on a chain around his neck that he wears to work with him. There is no back up key. Like a child I cannot be trusted. It doesn't matter though.
"Oakley is alright." Meredith says, coming into the bathroom and sitting down on the floor beside me. "Derek will take good care of her, and our Nanny is the best in the city, you don't have to worry."
"That's good, because I'm not worried." I murmur.
"You'll feel better soon, and Oakley will be waiting for you when you are." She assures me. I look over at her, unconvinced. "You did the right thing Addison. I need you to focus on getting better. Oakley is safe, and she can stay with us for as long as she needs to."
"Nothing I ever do is the 'right' thing."
Authors Note:
Thank you everyone for reading! Please review! Mark comes home in the next chapter. This is re-writing me editing and re-writing. It's crazy I'm already through chapter seventeen of the re-write! I love this universe so much and this story has been stuck in my head for so long. Rewriting made sense and then I will continue with new chapters of the squeal (Feels Like Home)!