In My Blood
Chapter 18
Authors Note: Each page break is just another random day or time on the road to Addison's recovery. There is a bit of a time jump, because newborns are boring. Or maybe it's lazy writing but meh. It just worked out better this way. I think she wants to love Oakley. I feel like she wants to be a good mom to Oakley, but she doesn't know how and is letting her depression and anxiety convince her that isn't the case. She'll need help to realize she's worthy of loving Oakley and being loved by Oakley.
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
3 MONTH TIME JUMP Oakley 6 Months Old
I hate Meredith for it, but after the day that they took Oakley for me Meredith practically moved into the brownstone with me. For the first week or so she stayed with me round the clock. After that time she regained enough trust that she leaves to go to work, and to spend time with Derek and the girls afterwords. I have insisted this whole time that I'm fine and she needs to go home to Derek, to her children, but she refuses. This becomes our new normal. She gets ready for work at my house, and then goes to check in with everyone. She comes back in the evenings after the kids are asleep, sleeping in the guest bedroom, never wanting to leave me for too long. She rambles on about the baby whenever she's here. Oakley is sleeping through the night now, and they've given their Nanny a live in position. I haven't seen or heard from Mark since he left that day. I've tried calling him several times daily until finally the calls stopped going through and a message saying 'I'm sorry, the person you're calling is no longer accepting calls from this number, please try again later.' and I know he's blocked me. I sleep so much that it really doesn't matter though. I don't have a schedule anymore. I wake up briefly when Meredith gets up in the morning. I shower and by then I am so exhausted that I fall back into bed, or I sit on the window bench and look out. I generally do not rise again until Meredith comes back in the evenings, with the exception of the most basic needs such as toileting and pumping milk for Oakley. I have no idea how I am able to continue making milk for her when I'm not eating. Meredith calls it 'liquid gold' apparently Oakley is a little fat baby. The therapist, Jenny, comes by twice a week. Most of the time we sit in silence. It's taken a while but sometimes we talk, or she'll just talk to me. She talks about Heavenly and Oakley a lot. She wants to know why I feel so afraid to love Oakley, and how I'm dealing with Mark leaving me. I want to stay silent. I want to watch the cars pass. There is something about Jenny though. She's trustworthy. She won't hurt me. Meredith makes a ticking sound with her tongue, and I look up, not sure how long she had been standing watching me.
"They'll have to put the feeding tube back in." Meredith says frowning at me as she comes over to the window seat, sitting next to me.
"I'm fine. You watched me eat earlier." I say, trying to manipulate her memories, but it doesn't work.
"That was three days ago." She says, watching me curiously. Maybe she will think that I am misremembering, and not lying to her intentionally. I'm so tired. I can't remember the last time I was in the kitchen for longer than the time it takes to put the milk bottles into the refrigerator, for Meredith to take the next morning. I'm not even sure what food is in there. I certainly haven't gone to the grocery store. She is eating a hamburger and French fries from some fast-food place. I try not to watch her. Try not to breathe in too deeply. The smell of the food is making me nauseous. I am thankful she's stopped fighting with me over food. It took around a month, but she's finally given up. She tells me I should bring it up with Jenny because her stressing me out and obviously isn't helping.
"Oh." I say simply. It doesn't help ease her concern.
"Pumping is taking too much out of you when you're already not eating properly." She informs me. "Oakley is in the seventy fifth percentile for her age. She's growing fantastically and has completely caught up with her full-term peers, but we could put her on formula if pumping is too much for you."
I don't know why she's telling me this. I guess to impress upon me that I am not hurting Oakley or malnourished her by giving her my milk. I'm only hurting myself. She's growing. She's meeting all of her milestones. It's more than I could have wished for. Meredith rambles on about how Oakey is an absolute joy and loves playing peek a boo. She had her vaccines like I requested, and she barley even cried. The pediatrician gave the okay to start solid food, but Oakley isn't interested and so Meredith is waiting. She knows I wouldn't want her to force the issue before Oakley is ready and shows more signs. When I first had Meredith and Derek take Oakley, I called her pediatrician's office and gave them, and their nanny permission to bring Oakley in for appointments and treat as needed. They sent me electronic forms to sign and send back, that was that. When it became apparent that Mark wasn't coming back anytime soon, I talked to my lawyer and had paperwork drawn up. The paperwork granted Meredith and Derek temporary emergency custody of Oakley, just in case.
"She's growing, that's what matters." I say. "Please don't tell me about her." I request. It's a request I've made so many times before, but it's impossible. Meredith is head over heels for this little girl I've created. I don't know why I cannot feel the same. I don't want to know anything more about her than I already do. I know she isn't giving me information to make me feel bad, but it does all the same. Why can everyone else manage my child but me? Maybe she truly does hate me.
"This is important information Addison. You need to know."
"Why?" I demand.
"It's obvious you still care about her, greatly." She says, and I'm confused by this.
"Don't push formula on her. If she's thriving that's all that matters. Besides I told Mark I would provide breastmilk until she's one."
"What you told Mark doesn't matter if you're putting your health at risk to accomplish it."
"My health is already 'at risk'." I point out. "One more thing isn't that big of a deal. You need to take the freezer stash; I'm running out of room again. Maybe I'll order a deep freezer."
"Would you like to see her?" Meredith asks. "I could bring her by for a visit." She offers, showing me a picture of Oakley on her phone. She is wearing a little flower sleeper with matching headband. She's sitting in one of those infant jumpers hanging from the door playing with a pink toy cell phone. "She is so amazing Addison. If only you could get to know her… I know that you would love her."
"No." I say automatically pushing her phone back towards her and taking a drink of my green tea. "I don't want to get to know her. That's the point."
"Are you sure?" She asks, and I think back to some of the things that Jenny (the therapist) and I have been talking about the last several weeks. If I wanted to I could go through the steps to integrate Oakley back into my life and allow a smooth transition for her. She is so young. She won't remember this. The longer I wait the harder it will become. I can overcome my fears. She thinks I am so frightened of hurting Oakley because I couldn't protect Heavenly. I don't know what I want. When Mark left me, I knew that I couldn't care for her. I did what I thought was best for her. I just want her to be safe. I am so terrified all the time. I don't know how to soothe this discomfort.
"She despises me. I'm not doing anyone any favors by trying to make her love me." I say carefully.
"You haven't seen her in months Addison, she is such a wonderful baby."
"If she's so wonderful I should sign over my rights completely. You've clearly transformed her. You're a miracle worker." I murmur.
"Addison." She says, putting a lot of emphasis on my name. "I'm not trying to take your daughter from you. You can have her back whenever you're ready." She assures, and I just shrug.
"And if I'm never ready?" I ask. The idea of seeing her, holding her, made a little spark of something come up in my heart, but fear and despair crushes it back down. I try to place that foreign feeling. What was it? Joy? No. It was hope. She is not gone forever. I can see her, and I can make sure she's alright. A very small part of me wants to see her, but the bigger part of me wants nothing to do with this. I know that I will just screw this opportunity up. I screw everything up.
"If you're never ready we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." She soothes. "She's not Heavenly Addison, and she's not Michael either." She says, and I feel a pang in my heart when she mentions their names. Especially his. She knows we don't talk about Michael. "She's here, and she's alive. She's beautiful and she needs her Mommy."
"That's exactly why I have to stay away." I say, but I realize it is breaking my heart more and more every day. These feelings are so confusing. I don't want her, but I also don't want any harm to come to her. I just shake my head at Meredith sadly, and she, thankfully, lets it go.
A FEW DAYS LATER
"Mark came back to work today." She says, plopping her purse down on the kitchen table.
"Oh?" I ask, surprised. I was not even aware that he was still in town. I just assumed he left and would never be a part of our lives again.
"Yeah, apparently he took his overdue vacation time and just came back." She explains. "He wanted to know how you're doing, and how the baby's doing." She goes through her nightly routine of showing me what feels like a hundred pictures of Oakley she took within the last twenty-four hours. It's already ten pm but she seems to drone on and on. Something is changing. Every night I start out annoyed that we're doing this, but by the time she is done I'm smiling, looking down at this tiny girl's pictures. She really does seem wonderful.
"What did you tell him?" I demand. Noticing how Oakley's hair is the exact shade of strawberry blonde that mine was as a child. Still the same shade as Heavenly's.
"I told him if he wants to know how you're doing he needs to call you."
"Good." Is all I manage. She sees me smiling at the pictures on the phone. I don't realize I'm doing it, but I had started swiping through, looking back at the pictures she had shown me before.
"Take a chance here Addison."
"What do you mean?"
"Let me bring Oakley with me, we can start slow, just a few minutes at a time, and we can schedule visitations. I will not ambush you with her." I think about this carefully for a few moments.
"Okay." I say finally. "I'll try. Yes. Let's schedule a time."
THE NEXT DAY
I don't know why I am so nervous, and anxious. Meredith is bringing Oakley by today. She's only going to be here for a few minutes, but I've cleaned all three stories of the house from top to bottom with this nervous energy.
"Here you go sweetie." Meredith says when she comes in the door, handing her to me. "Here's your Mommy." Meredith coos, nothing thinking, as she hands Oakley to me.
"I'm not her 'Mommy'." I say automatically. I sit Oakley on my lap, looking her over. Her bottom lip begins to tremble, she turns her head around looking for Meredith. "I'm not your Mommy." I remind her, as if she can understand holding her up, letting her stand on my legs and make eye contact with me. She frowns at me, but then must decide that I am okay, because instead of screaming she giggles, 'bouncing' up and down, using my legs for leverage.
"You have to talk to her like this…" Meredith says raising her voice to a sing song baby voice. I roll my eyes at her and Oakley giggles again. She raises her arms out to Meredith. I don't know how to react to her, and so I let Meredith take her, not wanting her to start crying.
"She's six months old Addison, not six years old. She doesn't understand. What will she call you if she doesn't call you Mom or Mommy?" She asks me as she slowly dances around the room with Oakley in her arms.
"My name is Addison." I say, but I cringe. "She can call me Addison." My voice sounds so much like Bizzy's that I have to physically swallow hard to keep down the vomit that threatens to come up.
"You don't intend on taking her back." Meredith states, realization. She stops moving around the room and sits down next to me. I am silent. "You don't have to re-write history Addison, you're not Bizzy." She says, automatically reading my thoughts. She gives Oakley her pacifier, and Meredith hands her back to me. She snuggles up against me and begins to fall asleep. Not a single whimper. My heart swells as I look down at her. I don't feel afraid. I just- NO. I will not allow myself to imagine it. I can't. But what if I could?
"What if I made a mistake?" I ask Meredith weakly. "Do you really think I could do this? I mean if Mark doesn't come back?" I never wanted to be a mom to this baby, but I certainly didn't want to be a single mom to this baby.
"If you continue with therapy I don't see why not. You can do anything you set your mind to."
"I wanted to convince myself I didn't love her. I tried so hard but…" Oakley wiggles, and I take a deep breath, trying, but unable to stop the tears as I hold her close to me.
"You love her." Meredith states, knowingly. "I wouldn't have brought her here if I thought you didn't."
"I do." I finally admit to myself. I hold her so close, and Meredith hugs us both, careful not to wake the sleeping baby. "I want her to be safe. I want everything to be Okay."
We agree that Meredith and Derek will continue to act as guardians for Oakley. Until I am ready. We schedule visitations for several times a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. She checks with me each morning of visitation and then again before she leaves work for the day to make sure I'm still okay with having her come over. I am thankful that Meredith agreed supervised visitation would be the best. She doesn't just leave her with me like she did Willow. I am terrified of having Oakley alone. Visiting with her, plus extensive therapy and medication to help the anxiety, ptsd, and depression is a lot. It's a cocktail to help relieve the pain of the loss. I'm not ready yet. It's too soon. I can't be alone with Oakley. I am still haunted by the sleepless nights I just wished that she would shut up. The nights I fantasized about all of the ways I could make her shut up. Her constant screams broke my brain in a way I am afraid I will never recover from. I know now that I would never have actually hurt her, but then when I was in the middle of it? Before I had gotten on medications? I didn't know what I would or wouldn't have done then. I do know one thing though. I am so undeserving of her. She is looking forward to seeing me now. When Meredith brings her, she smiles and her little eyes light up when she sees me.
"Things seem to be going well." Meredith says, smiling approvingly. For the last two visits I had taken care of Oakley completely on my own, without Meredith having to prompt me, telling me what to do. I feel myself smiling more when I talk to her and feeling better in general. This confuses me so much. Am I betraying Heavenly by allowing myself to be happy with Oakley?
"I know." I say quietly. I had brought up some of the soft play pieces from the basement and set up a mirror and a wedge. I hold her gently, making sure she doesn't roll off in either direction as she pushes herself up, looking at herself in the mirror curiously, making faces at herself.
"She loves you Addison. You could be her mom if you wanted to."
"I'm not her mom." I say again. "I wish that were true though, more than you know."
LATER THAT NIGHT
I wake up later that night with a start to someone sitting beside me on the bed where I was previously sleeping peacefully. I had taken a double dose of sleeping medication and didn't even hear him when he came in. My eyes struggle to focus as I sit up and the person pushes my ratted hair out of my face. I know these hands anywhere, I know that body wash, that warmth. Mark. For a moment I think I am dreaming, but something is wrong. I can almost smell the fear on him. I realize I'm awake.
"What are you doing here?" I ask angrily. "How did you even get in?"
"You didn't change the security system code. Where's Oakley?" He asks.
"What?" I ask, annoyed, still groggy from the medication. It's supposed to make you wake up refreshed, but that is only if you get a full night's sleep. Not if you're woken up, I look at the clock, two hours later.
"Where's my daughter?" He repeats. I just shake my head, and lay back down, sinking into the pillows. Wanting so desperately to sink back down into sleep.
"You're worried about her in the middle of the night, but you weren't worried about her the months you didn't call, text, or email." I scoff at him. "Not once did you visit. I tried calling you every single day until you blocked my number."
"Addison…" He exclaims, clearly thinking I'm just being thick, and he needs to explain. "I went to check on our daughter, she's not in her crib." He grabs me, shaking me hard, panicked. "Where's Oakley?" He shouts. Meredith comes in then, looking clearly annoyed to be woken up at this hour. "I'm calling nine one one. Our daughter has been kidnapped. We have to get help!"
"Let her go." Meredith demands calmly. He does, and I rub my arms annoyed, knowing I am going to bruise. Nothing to wake you up like a psychopath screaming at you.
"Where's my daughter Meredith?" He asks, he takes out his phone, preparing to dial the numbers.
"Addison gave up custody." Meredith explains. She doesn't tell him the full story, that I had only given up temporary custody. Not telling him that Oakley was safe with Derek and Willow at their home right now. He had been avoiding them as well of course he wouldn't know. She doesn't tell him I have been visiting with Oakley several times a week, nor that I am in therapy working to get better. Maybe we are on the same wavelength. He is the one who is undeserving. Three months in and he bailed. I am not any better than he is. I gave her away, but at least that's better than the alternative. It was for her own safety. "She's still very sick. She couldn't care for Oakley, and voluntarily surrendered custody before child services could get involved. She didn't want her growing up in the system."
"She cannot do that without my approval. I'm Oakley's father!"
"I didn't need your approval. You abandoned us, and despite all efforts and attempts I was unable to contact you. I wanted you to have custody. I wanted you to take her." He looks devastated at my words. I don't feel sorry though.
"I'm so sorry Addison. I don't know what I was thinking." HE says, and he is crying. I gaze at him numbly. I am so frustrated with him. My heart fills cold. "Please tell me where she is. We could regain custody. I just want my baby back. I want us to be a family."
"You didn't want to be a family when you left her with me, knowing I couldn't provide her the care she needed. Where were you?" I demand.
"I made a mistake. Addison I'm sorry."
"Who were you with?"
"Addison I..." He starts, and I raise my eyebrows at him, already knowing the answer. "I said I'm sorry." He reminds me.
"Mark just go...come back in the morning when she's more rested. We can talk about this; she'll give you all the details in the morning." Meredith requests. "We all need to rest."
"Sorry isn't good enough. You begged me to carry Oakley to term. I went through hell and nearly died to get her here safely."
"How much of that hell was self-induced? You tried to kill yourself, more than once."
"That's not fair Mark and you know it." Meredith interjects.
"Who says we're playing fair? She gave our daughter away." He runs his fingers through his hair, trying to calm himself, pacing anxiously.
"She's safe." Meredith assures him. "Addison made sure of that."
"You knew I wasn't capable of caring for her and you abandoned her with me."
"You are her mother. I didn't abandon her, I left her with her mother. You were doing fine."
"I wasn't fine. I was suicidal, I was suffering from extreme sleep deprivation, post postpartum depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I wasn't fine. I'm still not fine."
"You just need time Addison." Meredith says gently. I had forgotten for a second that she was even in the room. She yawns and stretches tiredly.
"Why do I need time?" I ask her. "She's gone." I say simply, begging silently with her for her not to screw this up. I've been working hard. I've been taking my medication and doing the therapy sessions. I have started taking classes for parents of newborns who have previously lost children so I can create a safe and nurturing environment for her. That information doesn't need to be shared with Mark. Not right now. How do I know that I can trust him to keep us safe and not vanish into that woman's bed again? How do I trust that he will be here for her if / when I do get her back.
"You need time to process everything that's going on." She tells me. "You need time to work through your trauma and your grief. That's all I meant."
"I want you to leave Mark." I say, turning to him. "We can discuss this later, but right now I can't. You left us, and you could have been dead for all I knew. You are unwelcome here until you can regain my trust, and that's going to take a while. You're going to have to work for it. It won't be just given." He shakes his head at me and leaves, mumbling something about 'calling in the morning when you're more reasonable.' I know what I did was wrong. I should have told him the full story about Oakley. I should have offered him visitation and let him take her or have other opportunities to be in her life. I should relieve the burden that Meredith and Derek have taken on. My mind keeps getting caught in an endless look though. If he wanted her so badly, why didn't he take her with him?
Authors Note:
Thank you everyone for reading chapter 18 of In My Blood! I really wanted to show Addison taking steps towards trying in this chapter. Between support group, therapy, and visiting Oakley I think she's making progress. Things will not be perfect, especially not all at once, but she's trying to make little improvements.