In My Blood:
Chapter 19:
Addison's Point of View:
My eyes flicker and I try hard, so hard to go back to sleep. The light is shining through the closed curtains and mini blinds on the windows, making it nearly impossible. I pull the covers over my head, just five more minutes. Please let me have just a few more minutes surrounded in fantasy. I was having the most wonderful dream. I don't want to leave it. To wake and realize that it isn't real is depressing beyond belief.
ADDISON's DREAM
The sound of children shrieking and laughing surrounds me. We are in the back yard of a house, it's not a house I've seen before, but I know it to be my home. Mark and I must have purchased it. I am sitting on a lawn chair, holding a chubby little Oakley. She is wearing a sweet little yellow and pink swimsuit, with matching hat, sandals, and sunglasses. She is older, over a year old. Heavenly and an older boy, play in the sprinkler together. I am confused at first to who he is, but then he hits her with a water balloon, and she shrieks his name.
"No fair Michael! You're stronger than I am! Your aim is better!" She picks up a water balloon from the bucket and yeets it at him. It falls several feet to the left of him, popping in the grass. It hits me like a bucket of ice water being pored on me. Michael? What kind of alternate universe have I found myself in? I don't realize that I'm dreaming, but at the same time I know this isn't right. These children, they don't exist, not anymore. They laugh and shout as they hold hands and dance through the sprinkler, the water falling down on them like rain. They run over to me, soaking wet, eyes sparkling with joy.
"Can we have a popsicle?" Heavenly asks. "It's so hot outside today."
"Do you really want a popsicle this close to dinner or Did Michael tell you to ask me?" I ask her playfully.
"I did." He admits. "But why wouldn't I? She's your little Princess, you always say yes to her." He points out.
"Play for a while longer, and then you can have a popsicle or ice cream after dinner." I tell them. I get a good look at Michael. He really is the perfect mixture of Mark and I. He has Mark's dirty blonde hair, and the same goofy smile that Mark has. His eyes though, they're mine.
"Okay!" They grumble at the same time, they don't argue. Heavenly runs off back to the sprinkler, but Michael lags behind her. There is a feeling of closeness there. Would we have been close if he would have survived? Would I have told Mark about him and raised him while I made my way through my studies and advanced in my career? Would I have been as far in my career if I had stopped midway to raise a baby? I don't know. Would we have been able to have this same closeness that we have now in this dream world?
"Mama, let Oakley play with us! It's not that cold. She's missing out on all the fun!" He begs. I agree before really getting a chance to think this over. She was born prematurely; would she get sick playing in the cool water? He takes her from me, putting her on his hip. She snuggles close to him, babbling 'my my my my my!" He sits her down on the grass, and Heavenly takes her by her hands, helping her dance around in the sprinkler. She laughs so hard; I can tell they've done this many times before.
"Michael?" I ask, he looks up at me and smiles. I swallow hard. He has that same gap between his front teeth that I did at that age. My eyes begin to tear up.
"What?" He asks, seemingly annoyed that I would stop him from playing with his siblings. He looks over to Heavenly and Oakley playing in the sprinkler and smiles. They sit down in the wet grass and Heavenly hands Oakley a water balloon. She drops it and looks shocked when it pops. 'Its okay Oakley!' Heavenly says, and quickly hands her another one before she can start crying.
"I love you." I say. "So much." I am full blown crying now, and he looks at me strangely. I know it's because I am waking up. It's like I can feel myself being pulled from this world. I don't want to. Please let me stay here. Please let me be with my children.
"You're so weird mom." He says. "I love you too though." He looks at me for a moment more, just watching me before shaking his head, and running off to the sprinkler. He takes one of Oakley's hands, and one of Heavenly's. They make a circle and spin around as the rain from the sprinkler falls down on them, and everything goes silent, dissolving into darkness. I open my eyes, and look around my bedroom, feeling a sense of longing as I wake up.
END OF ADDISON's DREAM
My eyes are damp, and I wipe the tears away quickly. I sit up and grab the tissues on my bedside table, blowing my nose hard. I don't want Meredith to see that I've been crying. She is meant to bring Oakley by today, and Mark will be here this morning. I don't want them to think I am having a hard time coping. I don't want to admit it, but I love these meetings with Oakley. I am slowly beginning to see why everyone else feels she is so wonderful. The doorbell rings and I hear her opening the door to Mark. I groan and pull myself out of bed.
'It's too early for this nonsense.' I think to myself, but I grab some clean clothes from the drawer, and then take a shower, stalling for time. I dress and brush through my hair. I brush my teeth and then make my way down the stairs. I mumble good morning, before going to the kitchen and starting a pot of coffee. Meredith normally does this. Mark must have arrived before she had a chance. They both follow me into the kitchen.
"I want to know what you did with Oakley Addison." Mark demands, not beating around the bush.
"It's too early for this Mark."
"I have the right to know. She's, my daughter."
"I told you I surrendered custody of her."
"To whom?"
"How many STD's did you catch while you were sleeping around?" I ask him, his face flushes crimson. The coffee pot dings that it is finished, and I pour myself a cup, black, not offering any to anyone else.
"I'm clean Addison."
"Your tomato paste face determined that is a like." I look down at the coffee, stirring the dark liquid around in my cup despite not adding anything to stir in. I am so tired, and I keep thinking back to the dream. I cannot even come up with good insults. "So, why did you come back now? Did she dump you?" I demand. "Did she realize what an idiot you are and leave you for someone better?" I demand.
"I'm in trouble Addison. I need your help. My life is falling apart."
"You never have been one to realize your actions have consequences. Why should I help you?"
"She's pregnant."
"What?!" I ask, nearly choking as I spit out my coffee.
"It's not mine." He tries to assure me quickly, but I know he is lying. "Seeing how happy she is about the baby… It made me miss what we have. It made me miss Oakley."
"What exactly do we have?" I ask him. "We are not family."
"We were before Heavenly died. We were happy. We have history Addison."
"Well, we're not anymore, and how do you know who the father of this child is?" I demand. His face is still so red. "Seriously Mark, silence is golden."
"Let's not rush to any assumptions. He just wants to see Oakley." I give her a poisonous look.
"There is nothing we can do about that, and even if there was do you really think it would be in her best interest to have him walking in and out of her life constantly?"
"I guess you're right." Meredith agrees.
"I don't need you Addison." He says, eerily calm. "I'll hire a private detective. I'll have the courts order you to tell me where my child is."
"There is nothing that can be done." I inform him. "I did everything through legal means."
"You didn't give her up permanently."
"The hell I didn't. The first opportunity I got when I realized you were not coming back, she was gone."
"No, you didn't. Her nursery is fully set up. You haven't removed any of her furniture, she still has all of her toys, and a full closet of clothes. All of her decorations are still hanging on the walls. If you gave her up you would have thrown everything out, I know you Addison."
"I've not had the time to hire someone to remove them. I've been studying up on the things I have missed in the last year and attending therapy so I can go back to work. You don't know me as well as you think you do. We never changed Heavenly's bedroom."
"You wanted Heavenly. You never wanted Oakley. That makes the difference."
"Okay that's enough!" Meredith interjects herself between us. I sink down onto one of the kitchen chairs, resting my head in my hands. "Neither of you are being fair." She says, and I give her another dirty look. Whose side is she on here?
"Addison I never meant to hurt you."
"Well, you did. Maybe next time you can try a little harder."
"I didn't think you were serious about giving her up Addison. I didn't know how greatly you were suffering."
"Exactly, you didn't think about anyone but yourself and your needs."
"What are your plans with this woman and her baby?" Meredith asks Mark, and he looks up at me.
"Don't look at me for the answer. After everything you've put me through to get Oakley here you sure didn't care to parent her once she was actually born."
"What do you want me to do Addison?"
"If the baby is yours, I want you to take care of it better than you did me and mine."
"I took damn good care of you. If I wouldn't have been here, you'd both be dead right now."
"I still fail to see what the issue is here."
"I want my daughter back Addison."
"Your actions speak louder than words Mark."
"You didn't even want her! You just don't want me to have her!" He accuses and I keep my mouth shut. When I had my lawyer draw up the paperwork, I told him Mark had abandoned us and I do not want him coming in and out of this baby's life. The inconsistency would cause her more harm than good. I told her that I only wanted to give Meredith and Derek temporary, emergency custody until I am physically and mentally able to care for her. He complied. Everything is legal. Mark has no grounds, he abandoned us.
"Look at Addison Mark." Meredith demands, but it's gentle.
"I am looking at her."
"She isn't eating properly, she has dark circles under her eyes, her hair is falling out. She has self-harm scars all up and down her arms, and that is just what has been going on since you left. This doesn't even include the suicide attempts and everything beforehand. Do you really think she was in the right frame of mind to care for a colicky newborn?" Meredith asks, she examines Mark closely. He begins to cry, resting his head in his hands. I may be heartless, but I cannot make myself feel bad for him.
"Maybe this whore is your second chance." I say, shrugging, getting up to leave.
"Addison wait…" Meredith requests.
"What?"
"Isn't there anything we can do?" She asks.
"Absolutely not."
"This isn't right. No matter what he did. He deserves the chance to see his daughter."
"Not my problem."
"This can't be how our story ends." Mark says quietly, looking up at me with pleading eyes. "I love you."
"If you loved me, if you loved Oakley, you wouldn't have done this to us. You wouldn't have reverted back to sleeping around the moment things get a little bit hard or scary. I don't know why I am surprised though. That's always who you were isn't it?"
"People make mistakes Addison." Meredith says, gently.
"Why are you defending him?" I demand.
"I'm not… It's just he…"
"I didn't want to play house with him and so he found someone who would. End of story Meredith. We are not his toys that he can cast aside just because he's found something better and then pick up again when the better toy breaks. That's not fair to me, and it wouldn't have been fair to Oakley. We deserve better than that." I say, shaking my head at both of them in disgust and leaving the room.
Authors Note:
Thank you for everyone reading and reviewing! I wanted to do something a little… different with Addison and Mark. All of this time he has been so perfect, so strong and loving. Even the most perfect of people make mistakes sometimes. Also, Addison is heated. I think it is reasonable that she wouldn't trust Oakley to Mark right now after what he's done.