In My Blood
Chapter 20
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
"You need to let Mark see Oakley." Meredith ambushes me. She is holding the wiggling baby in her arms. Oakley is babbling 'ma! Ma! Ma! Ma!' and reaching her arms out for me. I take her, holding her close for a moment before sitting down on the couch in Meredith's living room. Derek is playing chutes and ladders with Willow in the playroom. I smile. She just screamed at him that he has to go down the slide, and if he doesn't that's cheating, and cheating isn't kind.
"It's not really my choice, is it?" I ask her, knowing that if she wanted to let Mark see Oakley that badly she could without hesitation. She has the power to make choices on Oakley's behalf. She hasn't though. She's trying to show me kindness, extend me an olive branch. "He doesn't want her Meredith. If he wanted her, he wouldn't have left her."
"You didn't want her either." Meredith points out.
"I have a lot going on." I say simply. Heavenly and Michael have been coming to me in my dreams nightly. I go to bed exhausted and wake up equally exhausted as if I haven't slept a single second. It's like living a second life. Part of me wants to sleep forever, to be in a world with them for and another part dreads going to sleep because waking up hurts so much. Oakley shrieks, pulling my hair, bringing me out of my thoughts. Clearly annoyed at the lack of attention she's getting from me.
"Ouch." I say, untangling her hand from my hair, she just laughs.
"She's still his daughter Addison. I'm not defending what he did, but she is his baby."
"She doesn't have to be." I hug her and give her a kiss on the top of her head. Playing with her and bouncing her around a little bit. I am so tired that even holding her is taxing. She is six months old and a hefty eighteen pounds. I sit down in the baby bouncer, and she decides this arrangement is fine. She plays with the attached toys jumping up and down. She shrieks with delight when she hits them in just the right way that causes them to light up and make music.
"You cannot change DNA Addison; she will always be half his."
"What if he actually takes her?" I ask, my voice trembling at the thought. In this week's therapy session we discussed slowly bringing Oakley back home full time, what that would look like. Jenny called it reunification. With that also came the discussion of Mark and possibly sharing custody between us. I never thought I would, but I am growing so attached to her over the time that Meredith is bringing her for visitation. The thought of him taking her is too much.
"He won't. He has too much going on to do something like that."
"He might, especially under the influence of that woman."
"No Addison." She takes my hands and squeezes them tightly. "Mark isn't vindictive like that. Even if you end up divorced, he will never take this baby from you. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think it is why he left her with you initially, so you wouldn't have to lose another child."
"I don't want to see him." I say, watching the baby girl play. I can't help but smile when I look at her, so happy, so unaffected by the mess her father and I have brought her into. "I miss Heavenly so much."
"I miss her too." Meredith responds, "Don't you think Mark is suffering too though? He lost Heavenly, and now he's lost Oakley as well. Maybe we can meet somewhere in public. We could give him the assurance that Oakley is safe. We could start things slowly and let him spend time with her."
"Why are you pushing this so hard?" I ask.
"Mark isn't a bad guy Addison. Oakley deserves to have her father in her life." Meredith responds simply. I think this over for a while. "Oakley deserves the same chances at life that Heavenly had and having a loving father in her life is part of that."
"I'm not ready yet. I am still so angry with him."
"I don't think that you'll ever be ready Addison; I think it's something you just have to dive into headfirst and hope that you don't drown."
"I'm scared."
"Me too, but we can work this out, together. We both want what's best for Oakley, right?"
LATER THAT DAY
"Hi." I say carefully. "I'm glad you could come." Meredith had given me Oakley for the afternoon. I walked her down to the coffee shop and waited for almost thirty minutes. We were just about to leave and go to the playground when Mark finally walks in.
"Hi." He responds, no more of a whisper, looking down at the sleeping little girl. She almost always falls asleep on walks. The Nanny takes her and Willow for walks twice daily.
"She's here." He gasps. "So that means you didn't really…" He looks confused, and thankful.
"Sit down Mark." I hand him a cup of coffee, if he would have been here on time it would have been piping hot, but now it's lukewarm at best. He takes a drink and sits down, not complaining. "We have some things to discuss."
"How is she here?" He asks, his eyes drawn back to Oakley, watching her breathe. "You said you gave up custody of her."
"When you left Derek and Meredith took temporary emergency custody of her. I signed over all of my rights, temporarily, but maintained visitation. They have been looking after her."
"They've had her all this time?" He asks, hurt, and I nod.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wasn't sure I could trust you. I was worried you would take her."
"This whole time all I've wanted is for you to love her. I would never."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Can I hold her?" He asks, voice shaking. I nod and he picks her up, so gently. His eyes tear up as he holds her in his arms. "I can't believe this is really her. I thought I'd lost her." He kisses her on the top of the head and studies her sleeping little face as if he is trying to engrave it in his mind for all eternity.
"I'm sorry." I say again, and I really mean it. "I shouldn't have scared you like that."
"So, we can have her back? We can be a family again?" HE asks, hopefully.
"I don't know." I admit. "Maybe in time. You made a mistake with that girl. You need to step up and make it right. You need to be here for that baby."
"Her name is Trixie."
"God Mark. That makes this so much worse. You had an affair with a stripper?"
"She's a nurse."
"She sounds like a stripper."
"What can I do to prove myself to you Addison? I want to be in your life. I want to be in Oakley's life. You're my family, my everything."
"We weren't your everything when you were sleeping with a stripper." I point out, cautious of how loud my voice is getting and lowering it.
"Stop saying stripper, she's a nurse."
"Maybe now."
"Addison!"
"Okay, okay I'm sorry." I say putting my hands up in surrender.
"Focus, please."
"I can't." I admit. "What the hell is there to do about it. You fucked another woman; you got her pregnant. You're going to have to make a grown-up choice, and then you're going to have to deal with the consequences. The choice is simple, her or me?"
"How am I supposed to choose between you? You both have my children."
"Figure it out. Like you said the other day, we have history. I cannot be stuck here Mark. I need you to make your choice so I can move on with my life."
"You're not going to leave me." He says, challenging me, but he looks worried. He snuggles Oakley even closer. "You cannot take Oakley away from me again."
"I didn't take Oakley from you to begin with. You left me for that woman."
"I made a mistake."
"I need the truth. How long has this mistake been going on for?" I ask him.
"I met her at the hospital, after Heavenly died." He says in a voice so small I almost don't hear him. "I came back to her room looking for you and everyone was gone. I went to the cafeteria to wait for you and that's where we met. I didn't know what you had left to do."
I slam my hands down on the table, and the owner gives me a warning look. I still do not have many memories of the time right after Heavenly's death, but didn't I return to the hospital in an ambulance? I vaguely remember being strapped to a gurney. I remember insisting that I was fine to Meredith and Amelia. I told them that I just drank too much, that I made a mistake trying to escape reality. They tested my blood alcohol level at the hospital. 500mg/dL. There is no logical reason I am here right now. I should have died in that car that night, if not by the crash than by the alcohol poisoning. Instead, I was treated at the hospital and sent on my merry way.
"You said you wanted the truth." He says, silencing me. "We were just friends, you were gone, and I needed a friend Addison." He says justifying his actions. "I was lonely, and I missed you. We didn't progress our relationship until a few months later." He looks down at Oakley who had startled when I slammed my hands on the table but settled quickly with her pacifier.
"After the funeral when you had me so drugged that I was practically the walking dead? That's great Mark. Fantastic." I say, shaking my head. I feel sick, but didn't know this to be the case since I first found out he was cheating? He wasn't giving me any information I didn't already know. He is just confirming the narrative that has been playing over and over in my mind for months. "Is this why you drugged me? Because you didn't want me to figure out what you're doing?"
"Addison No!" He exclaimed quickly. "The doctor prescribed the medication to keep you calm, to keep your grief from killing you and our unborn daughter." He looks down to Oakley again. "I will never regret that decision. Our baby is perfect Addison. Look what we've done, what we've brought into this world." There are tears in his eyes. I guess at the thought of her not being born. She suckles her paci hard for a couple of seconds, soothing herself. I know she is deep asleep. How she could sleep through this though God only knows.
"You know what? I need to leave. I'm just going to leave." I say, getting up, and repositioning the diaper bag on the back of Oakley's stroller. I gently take her from him, settling her in her car seat portion of the stroller and buckling her in for safety. We're not going in the carseat, but I adjust her carseat clips just so.
"Addison please…" He begs, but he doesn't fight me when I take her. "You can't ask me to tell you the truth and then get pissed off with me when I do."
"How would you feel Mark?"
"What do you mean?"
"If the roles were reversed, if you were sick, I cheated on you, and got pregnant by another man during your time of need."
"You can't have more children."
"So, would that make it better? I am given a free pass to cheat because you used me as a human incubator, and I had to be sterilized as a result? I shake my head angrily; the tears are threatening to come. No. I can't cry. I won't allow myself to cry. I take the stroller and push Oakley outside. Mark follows me as I walk down the block.
"Addison wait!" I stop, trying around. He is so close I nearly trip over him. I push him back. I don't want him near me, not right now.
"What do you want from me?" I explode. "There is nothing you can do to rationalize this."
"We broke up Addison. I swear I'm done with her. I don't know what I was thinking. It's just happened. She was just there, and you weren't. I am being honest. I missed you. I missed our daughter, and our family that fell apart when Heavenly died."
"This has nothing to do with our daughter's death and everything to do with what a pathetic excuse for a human being you are. Seriously Mark? This is your version of things? That I was too grief stricken after her death to pay enough attention to you? Because in that grief I couldn't force myself to have sex with you. This is not my fault, and it is not hers either. How dare you bring a four-year-old into this!" He goes silent momentarily stunned by my anger.
"I'm not blaming her, or you. Just the circumstances we've found ourselves in. I needed a friend Addison; you were gone. I couldn't reach you. Nothing I did made a difference. It's like you were frozen. You were getting weaker and weaker. I was watching you die as you got sicker. I was terrified of losing you too."
"So, you left me."
"I never intended to hurt you; I just couldn't watch you slowly killing yourself any longer."
"If you lose me, if you lose our daughter…" I pause frustrated with him. "Make no mistake it will have been as a direct result for your actions. I don't know if I can forgive you Mark. It's not just about the cheating. It's everything."
"Please!" He begs, we've stopped, and he drops down on his knees, hands together pleading. I raise my eyebrows at him, I am caught off guard. I'm not really sure what to do. "We have to try. Addison. I love you. We have to make this work for our little girl. I've been miserable every single day since I left. I don't know how to live without you."
"Get up. You look pathetic." I say, my heart softening just a little bit for his cause. I offer him my hand. He takes it and stands. We cross the street to the local play park and take a seat on one of the benches near the pond. The ducks aren't out today. I wonder where they've gone. I have crushed up crackers and birdseed for them in a bag in Oakley's diaper bag. She loves watching the ducks.
"I want to be her father." He says.
"You have another baby you need to be worried about. What are your intentions with that baby?" I ask him. Oakley is awake now. I close the top of the stroller to provide privacy so I can quickly change her diaper. I dress her back up and then take her out. She sees the pond and squeals with delight. Mark holds his hands out for her, and I hand her to him. She doesn't cry, just looks up at him, smiles, and then back to the pond.
"She's such a happy baby." He observes.
"Are you going to cast us aside again once your new child is born?" I ask, ignoring his comment.
"No. Addison I would never."
"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I ask him. He is holding her up, and she is bouncing as she watches the birds playing near the pond.
"You have more money than God and can easily survive without me. I guess you're just going to have to go out on a limb and trust me." He says, and I laugh a little. "We'll have to make a plan."
"Like what?" I ask him. "If you want visitation with Oakley you need to take it through Meredith and Derek. I have no say, not really."
"I'd like to see the both of you." He says. "I want to rebuild our relationship." He rambles on about how he can still see Trixie throughout the remainder of her pregnancy, and how she could retain full custody, but he would send a check and visit the child at their home without going through the courts.
"No." I say. "I have a better plan." I am quickly formulating this in my mind. What would cause Mark the most suffering? "You're going to be the best father you can be to Oakley's sibling. You're going to fight for shared custody of the baby and we're going to maintain a good relationship with it's mother. Holiday's, birthday's, Christmas… We're going to show up for that child." I say, and he looks so confused.
"You want to work this out, don't you?" I ask.
"More than anything." He responds. Oakley see's more birds behind them and screams, and then laughs and babbles as they fly away.
"Okay. We'll give it a go." I say.
"What's the catch?" He asks, looking at me suspiciously.
"Oh, there's no catch." I say, shaking my head. "I don't have to do anything. If you genuinely love me the guilt of looking at that child, knowing how you betrayed our family, will be more than enough." I shrug my shoulders, suddenly so exhausted.
"You would use an innocent child like that?" He looks horrified, and I realize suddenly that I am probably so willing to extend this offer because there is almost a guaranteed chance he cannot or will not follow through.
"No. The child will know nothing but love from me. You see, I'm the better person here Mark. You're the person who will have to live with the guilt. Not the baby. The baby is an innocent in this mess you've made." It shows how much I've truly grown in therapy. Would we have even been having this conversation if it had happened before Mark left me? I am damaged, but not incapable of showing love. My own child is living proof of the differences therapy can make.
"I love you Addison. I know I've made mistakes, but I will never stop loving you and Oakley. You are my family; I promise we'll work this out. I don't want to lose you again."
"Don't screw this up Mark. This is your very last chance."
"I told you, I'm done with her." He says, and I shake my head.
"You will never be done with her. She is the mother of your unborn child, so we're just going to have to make the best of this."
"She has an ultrasound tomorrow at three. We could meet here after. I'd like her to meet you and our little Princess." My heart aches when he calls her Princess. He always called Heavenly 'Daddy's Little Princess'. I wish he had given Oakley a different nickname.
"Fine." I say, trying to be accommodating. I check my watch and get up to leave. I promised Meredith I would have Oakley back by five. There is an event at the hospital tonight and the Nanny prefers to have both children at home when she arrives so they can schedule their evening accordingly.
"I don't want to let her go." Mark says, smiling at Oakley, who had fallen asleep at some point while we were talking, but begins to wake up when Mark puts her back in her stroller. She yawns big and looks up at her daddy with still sleepy eyes.
"Then don't." I say. He makes sure her straps are secure and gives her a kiss goodbye. "Work your ass off, gain my trust back, eventually you will be able to come home."
"I want to come home now." He says, looking between me, and Oakley.
"It's too soon." I say quickly. "I need some time to process everything that's going on. I need to wrap my head around everything I will be expected to do if we're going to make this work. When you can prove to me that you are trustworthy I will give you the new security code, and a new key." I was so angry with him after the other day that I changed all of the locks. He looks so sad though. "Facetime me tonight, we can tall more then." I say, giving him a tired smile. "I really have to get this little girl back."
"Five more minutes?" He requests.
"Walk her home with me."
Mark and I said our goodbyes outside of Meredith and Derek's brownstone and then I bring Oakley inside. I had arrived a little earlier than expected, giving us time to talk, after I laid Oakley in her crib. Meredith is getting ready for the event, and I go into her bedroom, sitting on the edge of her bed.
"How did everything go?" She asks me.
"Fine." I say. "I know tomorrow is my morning, but could you please keep her, or could the Nanny take her?" I ask Meredith. She is looking at herself critically in the mirror, trying to decide between the red dress and the black dress. "Choose the red." I tell her.
"What's going on? You haven't passed up a chance for visitation in months." She holds the red dress up again and then goes back to the black dress, before she finally gives up, and roots through her closet for more options. This one is deep ocean blue.
"Oh, that dress is stunning. It really brings out the color o your eyes." I say, as she holds it against herself and looks in the mirror. "You have to choose this one." I go into the closet and take out the matching shoes of the exact shade, holding them up to her. She nods in agreement before her expression turns serious.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing I…"
"Don't even try it." She says, and I sigh. She knows me well enough to know when I am about to lie.
"I just need some time to do some drinking." I say, my honest intentions clear.
"What did he do to you, are you OK? I thought you were cutting down on the drink?"
"Did he keep me on the verge of sedation so he wouldn't have to deal with me? So he could spend more time with Trixie?" I ask. She had turned so I can do up the back of her dress. I see her look of disbelief in the mirror. This wasn't the conversation she was expecting to have, but there was no way she could cover it up. She knows exactly who Trixie is.
"Addison I…" Now she's at a loss for words.
"You're supposed to be my best friend." I remind her.
"I am your best friend." She confirms, as if her words alone could squash out any doubts that he has put into my head. Any doubts this confusion brings. It's hard to tell what's real anymore and what is just another lie woven into this blanket covering up whatever the truth really is.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I demand. "What happened before I truly 'woke up'?" I ask, she turns and takes my hands in hers, squeezing them so hard.
"Can you forgive me?" She asks.
"If you tell me the truth. What happened to me Meredith?" She moves to the bed and sits down next to me.
"You were so sick Addison." She whispers. "At one point the doctors recommended you be placed on hospice."
"I wasn't dying. I was heartbroken. I'm still heartbroken Meredith."
"You were dying of a broken heart. I mean, not literally, you didn't have Broken Heart Syndrome, but your grief was killing you all the same. You would have died without medical intervention. You both would have died."
"How long?"
"How long what?"
"How long did you know he was cheating on me?"
"I caught them in one of the on-call rooms in October, but I suspected something was going on before then. Mark and I argued. He told me not to step foot in his house again and to leave you alone. He said you were having a hard time with me being around, knowing that I still have Willow, but you were not even off a quarter of the medication then. Mark weaned you off the medication so slowly. He was afraid you would go into withdraws. You took your last round on Thanksgiving, and it took a while for everything to leave your system, for you to truly wake up."
"And you believed him?" I ask, my voice cracking, a sense of betrayal in my tone.
"I hate that I believed him. I thought it was the best thing for you, for Oakley. I know now that he just wanted me away from you. He didn't want me to tell you about the affair."
"This doesn't make sense. You left Willow with me on and off for most of December." I say, the confusion so heavy it's giving me a headache. The timeline is not adding up in my head.
"Do you remember Derek bringing Willow over?" She asks.
"Yeah." I murmur. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the sounds of her screaming my name from the other end of the phone line. I remember how cold it was. I remember how Derek wrapped her in a little blanket and how she clung to me.
"That was December 1st. Willow was making so much progress after that Mark let the argument go forgotten. You were willing to spend time with her, and I could not deny her that. You were both getting better and emerging from your sadness."
"Until I screwed everything up." I whisper, looking down, so sad. Why was I so selfish that the thought of ending Oakley's life was an option? Why had I tried to induce her at home? Why had I not gone to the doctor at the first signs of a kidney infection?
"You didn't screw anything up." She assures me. "Oakley is here now and she's safe. You just got off track that's all."
"I still love him."
"Of course, you do. You've been together so long; I feel like it would be impossible for you not to love him."
"Where do I go from here?" I ask. "I don't know what I want."
"Oh, I think you do." She says and I frown. "You have to decide how forgiving you truly want to be. How much forgiveness can you handle? You know what you want to do Addison. I've known you long enough to tell. In your heart you know what the right answer for you is. You just have to be strong enough to embrace it."
Authors Note:
Thank you everyone for reading! Please take a second to review. I love the Addison/Mark pairing so much, but I had to bring in just a little bit of the cannon character. He was always a bit of a man whore. I find it really interesting to see how Addison is beginning to evolve a little bit more.
QUESTION:
1) Do you think Addison will show Mark grace and actually give this relationship a full-blown chance now that she is at a slightly better place with Oakley?
OR
2) Do you think Addison will put up more of a fight and be more resistant to him as there is not a single doubt now that he was unfaithful.