In My Blood:
Chapter 22
Authors Note: Sorry in advance if this is too long. I tried to write this chapter six different times six different ways trying to figure something out and this is what I ended up with. A merger of the different chapter attempts. Warning: Mark is a little mean lately, but I feel like it is appropriate for him to be tired of everything going on with Addison. EDITING ME: Haha. 7th and final time.
Addison Montgomery's Point of View:
"Fuck. What happened now?" I ask, struggling to force my eyes to focus. It is so cold, and I am shivering. Someone puts a warming blanket over me and my body calms. I drift back into sleep. When I awake again, I see Mark and Meredith standing over me anxiously. I push the button of the hospital bed, bringing it back to a sitting position.
"You were gone for a solid week Addison. Your cell phone is disconnected. You could have been dead for all we knew!" Meredith exclaims, through tears, slapping me hard across the face.
"Meredith?!" I gasp. I move my hand to the side of my face, feeling the heat radiating from it where her hand hit.
"She just woke up Meredith, is that really necessary?" Mark asks. He grabs her by her hand gently pulling her away from my bedside.
"The only reason you haven't hit her or shaken the life out of her is because it would be considered domestic abuse." She smarts back, pulling away from him. I know she doesn't mean that. He has never laid his hands on me, with the intentions of actually hurting me, and he would never.
"She's alive. She's safe. That's what matters right now."
"You're lucky the worst that happened is being slapped for your absolute stupidity." Meredith tells me. "You're damn lucky you were not raped or murdered."
"What are you talking about?" I ask, confusion setting in. "What is wrong with the two of you? I was at the four seasons. I told you both where I was going." I remind them. "I had an appointment for a spa treatment and told you I'd be staying the weekend." I'm starting to get upset now. I don't know what's going on, and it frightens me. Why am I in the hospital again?
"You were gone fo days Addison." Meredith explains again, but I can tell she is trying to be gentler this time. She's trying to keep her voice calmer. I shake my head hard. How is it possible I was gone for seven days? I couldn't have been. I was only gone for two nights. I strain my memory, trying hard to remember what happened. I don't have any memories past that night at the Four Seasons. Had I really been drinking enough to black out? Was my drink spiked?
"How is that possible?"
"Why don't you tell us? You were found unconscious in Central Park three days ago. A good Samaritan called an ambulance. They were able to contact us right away. You still had on your emergency medical alert bracelet, but it's taken a few days for you to come round." Mark avoids eye contact with me and looks out the window instead. "I have your wallet and your purse. I already called and reported all of your credit and bank cards compromised. They have been deactivated and you will get your new ones in the mail in a few days."
"Thank you." I murmur. I wish he would look at me. My heart is racing.
"They did a rape kit, and a toxicology screening. There was no evidence of sexual assault, and your toxicology screening came up clean for everything but alcohol." Meredith says, I'm not listening though. Mark has taken to pacing.
"I cannot believe I let someone so irresponsible as you have custody of our child. What was I thinking?" He continues pacing, shaking his head at me. "Of all the crazy shit you've pulled this is taking things one step too far Addison." He is agitated, and he is making me dizzy with the constant back and forth.
"I don't have custody of her." I remind him. "You cannot bring her into this." This only makes him angrier though, and his pace quickens. "BE STILL." I demand, and he turns on me.
"You could have died."
"What else is new?" I ask him. "That's been my norm for over a year now."
"This is a minor setback, not an end all right Addison?" Meredith asks, looking at me hopefully, as if unsure. I nod, and she comes close again, squeezing my hand tightly.
"You're a drunk. Black out drunks should never have custody of their children." The look he is giving me is so piercing that I shiver.
"You're calling me a shitty parent? That's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?" I ask him. "We're both fuck ups. You abandoned her, and I gave up custody when I knew I couldn't raise her." I wonder if he is going to throw this in my face everyday for the rest of my life. Tears are falling now. Meredith sits down on the hospital bed beside me, leaning close, pulling me into a tight hug. When she lets me go and sits back down on the chair, I turn to them both. "I… I'm sorry. I really don't know what's going on."
"I'm not calling you a bad parent Addison." Mark starts.
"What are you doing then?" I ask, but a nurse comes in and hooks up another bag of nutritional supplementation to the feeding machine. She pushes a few buttons, and then checks that the NG tube the doctors had reinserted is still in proper placement. She slowly pushes water through, getting the air out of the line before hooking the tube up to the machine and pressing start. She watches for a few seconds, assuring the supplement is flowing smoothy into my body.
"All set!" She exclaims "Do you need anything?" She asks. I shake my head 'no' impatiently. She leaves. I want this feeding tube out. I need this feeding tube out. I decide to just deal with it if it will let me get out of here sooner. I look around to all of the different machines hooked up to my body. My vitals are good. I am confident that they will not keep me for long now that I'm awake.
"They want you in a residential treatment facility to help deal with your eating disorder." Mark informs me.
"I don't have an eating disorder." I protest.
"You're doing better with Oakley, but you are still severely underweight. They called you anorexic." He says the last word like it is something disgusting, vile. "You're drinking to the point that you're black out drunk. I don't know what it is that I am expected to do with you Addison. I've done everything I can." He continues throwing dirty looks at me every few seconds. I feel my face going pale. I never got medical power of attorney back from Mark after Oakley was born. I look down, my hands are shaking.
"Please… Mark. Please don't sign those papers. I'll do whatever you want." I beg. He goes to the table and picks up the papers, holding them in one hand and the pen in the other.
"What makes you think I can trust anything that comes out of your mouth?" He asks me. He stands at the foot of the bed, watching emotionlessly as I sit there, tears streaming down my cheeks.
"What do you want me to say Mark? I have no idea what the hell happened!"
"I need you to say that you will take your meds. I need you to say you will stop drinking unless you have direct supervision, and even then, I want you to keep it to a reasonable amount. Your liver function test was through the roof. Your liver was failing. There has already been improvements, since you've been in the hospital."
"Okay." I whisper. "Whatever you want."
"This goes for our daughter as well. I do not want you around Oakley without direct supervision. I'm sure Meredith and Derek will agree with me on this." He demands and I can't help but laugh at this. "I don't find you putting our daughter at risk funny Addison." He says, frowning at me with disapproval.
"I do." I counter. "This has nothing to do with Oakley. She was safe with Meredith. You're acting all high and mighty because you have the medical power of attorney but Mark..." I stop, trying hard to keep my patience as he moves the pen closer to the paper, threatening to sign. "You left me with her when I was suicidal, suffering from severe grief, still recovering from the major surgery that her birth was. I had postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and PTSD. Yet you somehow think that me drinking, when she is not even with me, is the thing that's going to somehow magically hurt her?"
"I have to look at the bigger picture here Addison. Eventually we will be a family again, and we will regain custody of our daughter. You have to get healthy because our daughter needs you. Meredith has been great, but she is not Oakley's mother. You cannot rely on her forever."
"We should get that divorce, and you should potation the Judge for custody." I say bitterly. "I'm obviously the worst mother in the world. She's better of without me."
"No she is not." Meredith says quickly, giving Mark a hurt look. "Addison can rely on me for as long as she needs." She interjects and Mark narrows his eyes at us. "I have more vacation time coming. I will take the leave, and then put in for a medical leave of absence. I'll move back in as soon as she is released from the hospital." She says, perhaps sensing my desperation. "This is partially my fault anyway. She wasn't ready to be on her own yet."
"What?" I ask horrified. "Meredith. No. You're finally spending more time with Derek and the girls. I can't take you away from them! You need that special time, they need you." I protest. "This isn't your fault, there is nothing you could have done. I'm a grown woman I do not need a round the clock baby-sitter. I'll do better. I promise." They both look at me unconvinced.
"Mark, we can do this. We've brought her back once; we can do it again. Institutionalizing her will only make this worse. We can't do something that's going to make this worse." Meredith insists, ignoring my pleas.
"I don't want to take care of her." Mark shouts pointedly. "You shouldn't either. Like she said she's grown. She should be capable of looking after herself." He sits the paperwork down on the table and falls into the chair next to it, as if arguing standing up was just too much effort.
"So, all this talk about you wanting to move back home, wanting to be a family and have a stable environment for you children has just been bullshit then?" I ask him.
"I can have a stable environment for the children with or without you in it. I do not have to stay with you Addison. It's a constant battle with you lately. It's exhausting!" He exclaims and I lay back down on the bed, tears staining the pillowcase.
"She was doing better before you and your pregnant homewrecker came back into the picture." Meredith informs him bluntly. "She was attending her weekly therapy sessions. She never missed a visitation with Oakley. She hadn't had a drink of alcohol or cut herself in months. She was finding less destructive ways to cope."
"Oh, so I'm the problem now?" Mark asks.
"You bailed on her. You had an affair instead of being there for her when she needed you the most. You can get your own apartment, you can fight for custody of Oakley, but how stable are you going to look to Trixie if you have Addison committed? How stable will you look if you run out on your daughter again? On your wife who still needs you. You might be Trixie's man whore, but you are still Addison's husband and Oakley's father. If you were here, really here, things may not have gotten this bad."
"I won't sign the papers." Mark says begrudgingly. "I won't sign them, but she's your problem now. I can't do this Meredith. I can't do this with her. Not again."
THE NEXT NIGHT AT HOME
"Meredith, I need you to go home. Go spend time with Derek and the girls. There is no reason that Mark needs to know. You can take the baby monitor if you want. You'd be able to see my every move." I insist. She laughs at me when I mention the baby monitor. We live so close that we've gone to each other's homes when our husbands were home with the kids and watched them on the monitors. "I'm fine I promise." I say. My phone alarm dings, and I get up, going into the kitchen and starting the preparation for the next tube feeding. My stomach feels sour. I'm not used to it being so full. I'm doing things without her having to prompt me in hopes that she'll begin to trust me again.
"I'm not leaving you. I promised Mark I wouldn't." She busies herself starting her dinner. Rice, meat, a green salad. I try to set everything I need out, but she is watching me carefully. Assuring herself I'm not adding anything extra to the bag. I stall for time mixing the nutritional formula so there is no clumps. I don't want to hook up the pump straight away. I swallow my nighttime pills after showing them to her, so she can check.
"Mark's right. I am a terrible mother and I'm being selfish. The girls need you; your husband needs you."
"You're not any of those things, and Derek understands. It scares him to see you this way." Meredith responds. That could have fooled me. He doesn't seem the one to care. "He's pissed at Mark. He says Mark broke you." Meredith explains. I am not sure if that is something that she was supposed to share, but it's out in the air all the same. She hired a cleaning company to clean the house from top to bottom while I was in the hospital. They cleaned every nook and cranny, with instructions to throw away, keep, or donate any alcohol found. They even took my good baking vanilla from Mexico. She looks at me, I guess wondering what is taking so long. I sigh and she watches as I finally hook up the bag to the feeding tube pump and turn it on. When the liquid starts flowing, she continues:
"If you're missing Oakley, I can bring her by for a visit." She stirs the food in the pot. The combination of having the liquid food flowing into me and the smell from the spices of real food cooking makes me nauseous and dizzy. It's curry and I don't know exactly what else. Maybe red pepper.
"No." I say firmly. "I don't miss her." I say it with such harshness Meredith looks up from her cooking. It's a lie, but I can tell from the look on her face that she believes it.
"Mark's right. She is not safe with me. I do not deserve to be her mother."
"Mark is an idiot sometimes. I don't care what Mark said. You cannot let him stall your progress. You can't let him get inside your head Addison." She finishes cooking and plates her food up, sitting at the table across from me.
"No. Not this time. It's just the right thing to do Meredith. I'm not capable of taking Oakley, and I was deluded to think that I can be what she needs me to be right now." I shudder, trying not to think of what would have happened if I had Oakley, or even Willow with me when I blacked out. I want to think that I wouldn't have been drinking around them, but the doubt inside me rears it's ugly head.
"I know you Addison. You would never put the children in danger. You wouldn't have been drinking like that if they were in your care." She says, soothingly as if she's read my thoughts.
"Do you think I'm cursed?" I ask her shakily. It seems like since Heavenly died nothing good can happen. Like I've been given nothing but a shitfest of bad juju.
"Cursed?" She echoes. "Seriously?"
"I am just so tired of this life if you can even call it that. I want my normal life back." I push a few buttons on the pump, slowing down the flow to the very slowest setting. My stomach is bloated. This is too much. The rate that the doctor and nutritionist agreed on is too much, too fast. My stomach is painfully tight, and I feel like I am going to throw up.
"Neither of our lives were ever really considered normal, even before all of this happens so I'm afraid you're out of luck there." She says with a little smirk.
"Maybe Mark will have a better chance at a normal life with his Trixie and their new baby. He hates me anyway. It was naïve of me to think that things were actually going to work out."
"He doesn't hate you Addison. He's just having trouble understanding what you're going through right now."
"He wants to control me." I snap, annoyed. "He doesn't understand how I'm fine now and do not need a baby-sitter every hour of the day and night. You need to go home. It frustrates me that you are allowing your family to suffer to be here with me round the clock."
"They're not suffering. They have Derek and our Nanny to care for them."
"Maybe, but they don't have their mother." I was hoping this slip up of words, considering Oakley hers even though she is not biologically hers would distract her, but she ignores me.
"Your obsessive insistence that I leave only makes me feel like I need to stay more." She says. "It makes me wonder what you're hiding, what you're planning that you need me gone to accomplish it."
"I'm not!" I protest, but I am automatically defensive and start crying, though that may be from the pain from the tube feeding. "I just don't feel well. Maybe I'll just go up to bed for now." I say, but I do not move, instead I zone out, looking at the different magnets on the fridge.
"Well, it sure sounds like it." Meredith grumbles. She finishes up her food and I rest my head in my hands, elbows up on the table while she washes up her dishes and wipes down the counter and the stove. I am almost asleep at the table when she sits down again.
"You're really not feeling well?" She asks. Automatically putting her hand to my forehead. "You don't feel feverish, do you want to talk about what's going on?" She asks.
"I just need to lay down for awhile I guess."
"Are you sure that's all it is?"
"I really want this NG tube out." I say carefully. "I'm in so much pain."
"I'm sorry, but that isn't an option right now Addison. The NG tube is helping you. You've only had it back in for a few days and you already look healthier. Your body just needs time to adjust. Do you feel like eating now?" She asks me, and I shake my head, knowing that if I lie and say yes, she will expect me to eat in front of her.
"No. I feel numb." It's weird to say you're numb, and in pain at the same time, but it's true. I move over to the kitchen sink and open the cabinet. I pull out a bottle of drain cleaner, holding it, inspecting it, very aware that she is watching my every single move.
"Addison." She says my name cautiously. "What are you doing?"
"I need to show you something." I say, calmly. "Do you think that I would drink this?" I ask her, my tone that of curiosity. I examine the bottle again and start reading the ingredients off one by one.
"Addison…"
"Well, do you?" I press, keeping my tone light, playful. She shakes her head no, and stands to walk towards me, but I motion for her to sit down. She complies, she looks nervous, like she's afraid to make any sudden moves. "You're right, I wouldn't drink it. That would be unnecessarily painful." She looks relieved and holds her hand out for me to hand her the bottle, like a mother would a small toddler whose grabbed something they shouldn't have.
"You're upset. What can I do to help?" She asks, a mixture of fear, and anger. "You're trying to scare me? I need you to stop now. What is the point of this? We can work through whatever this is. Hand me the bottle Addison."
"Damn right I'm upset." I say. "The point is I am in constant pain due to this freaking tube. You and Mark are trying to control every moment of my life and are subjecting me to unnecessary pain, but in addition to that you're just handing me tools to make it easier to hurt myself." I state, as if she can connect the dots, but the blank look on her face tells me she's not getting it.
"The feeding tube is a tool to help you recover." She says. "The pain is your body adjusting to having the nourishment it needs after months without. I need you to listen to me." She says. I turn off the pump and disconnect the tubes from my NG tube and the tube from the machine, so nothing actually gets damaged and I'm the only one manipulating the feeding bag. Before she can stop me, I open the twist top of the bag and pour the entire bottle of drain cleaner into the remainder of the nutritional formula. "I wouldn't have to drink it." I say. I close the lid and gently massage the bag with my hands.
"ADDISON." She gasps. Her eyes are wide as she crosses the kitchen to me, but I move just as she goes to grab the bag. I realize there is some air in the bag, and I open the lid a tiny bit, keeping clear of her. I push the air out of the bag and twist the lid closed again.
"This whole exchange has taken what?" I ask her. "10 seconds? How easy would it be for me to just end this nonsense? It's what I should have done from the very beginning." She is standing, frozen. Checkmate. She finally realizes where I'm going with this.
"So, what I'm hearing is you're suicidal, and you have a plan to end your life?" She asks, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath. "Am I understanding correctly?"
"No, you're not understanding correctly." The bag is warm in my hands. I've never mixed drain cleaner in a bag like this with milk. I wonder if the bag will give way, if it will explode in my hands, and eat away at my skin. I'm not scared by this thought. It's not like I will be operating again anyway.
"Addison, you're scaring me. What can I do to help?"
"I am not suicidal Meredith. You just need a visual to understand. I need you to understand."
"Understand what?"
"I need you to understand that it takes less than a minute to contaminate a feed, after that it takes seconds to connect the NG tube to the bag. I could have this entire bag connected and squeezed out and into my stomach before you would even realize what's going on. It takes seconds Meredith." My voice is calm, nothing more than matter of fact. I quickly connect the bag to the NG tube and connect it to the machine. Less than a minute. Point proven.
"Addison this isn't funny. Give me the bag before it explodes, and you accidentally kill yourself." She walks slowly toward me. "We can work out whatever is causing you to feel this way, but I need you to give me the bag before the cleaner eats its way through the plastic and you end up in the hospital burn center."
"Calm down, I'm not going to hurt myself." I say, my voice oddly soothing. "The cleaner though. If put through the feeding tube would have a direct path to my stomach. It would burn a hole through my stomach and intestines. I would be dead before nine one one could be dialed."
"What do you want from me?" She asks, she's trembling.
"I'm going to remove this NG tube." I say calmly, and she nods. "I think you get the point right?" She nods again. "It's too much temptation. It's too easy when you're trying everyday not to just end it all. You are going to tell Mark that there was a complication with the feeding tube. You will tell him that in lieu of the tube I've been eating properly." I know that wont last for long. I will start losing weight again and he will know. My hope is he is too concerned with Trixie to care. I just need a back up plan.
"You did all of this because you want me to lie for you? You couldn't have just used your words like an adult and asked?" She demands. She is about three shades lighter. She throws up in the sink, she rinses it down and then watches as I prepare to remove the feeding tube.
"I did, and you said no." I remind her. I move over to the sink, unhooking the connector and laying the bag in the sink. She opens it and carefully pours the contents of the bag down the rain. She runs hot water in the sink, rinsing anyway any evidence that this ever happened.
"So, you're throwing a temper tantrum?" She asks. "Fantastic Addison." I peel the tape off holding the tube in place and use a syringe to flush the tube with water. I pinch the tube, and slowly start to remove it. I pause half way through. Coughing.
"I'm not. I did this because I know that in less than a minute, I could kill myself." I pull a final time and the tube is free. I place it in the trash bin and clean my face. Meredith is silently crying, just watching me, visibly shaken. I sit down calmly at the table. "I can't handle that fucking temptation, Meredith. It's too much. I'm sorry I scared you, but I know you wouldn't have agreed unless I showed you the shitstorm that is going on inside my head. I needed you to understand."
The next morning when Meredith comes down, I am sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of black coffee. When I woke up this morning, she was laying on the bed next to me. We had stayed awake talking until the early hours of the morning. She refused to let me out of her sight. I managed to sneak downstairs once she had fallen asleep.
"Morning Sunshine." I say lightly. She rubs her eyes. "How long was I sleeping?" She asks.
"It's only seven now. A few hours maybe." I turn the page of the newspaper and take another drink of my coffee. She sits down next to me.
"Addison…" She says my name so gently that I look up. "What happened last night can never happen again." She takes the paper away, folds it, and sits it on the counter. "You're a highly educated adult. I don't care if you want to or not, I am going to need you to use your big girl words when you're upset." She says, making eye contact with me. She pours herself a cup of coffee and sits back down.
"I used my words. You didn't listen, and besides would you really have believed me if I told you the temptation to kill myself was so great that I needed to remove my feeding tube to stop the urge to poison myself?" I ask her, raising my eyebrows skeptically.
"No, probably not." She admits. "This can never happen again Addison, you really scared me."
"I wasn't in any true danger, you know that."
"I didn't know that. A million things could have gone wrong with that little stunt you pulled last night."
"I told you I wasn't going to hurt myself." I say, and her eyes glass over for a second. How many times have I said I'm fine and then gone on to do something stupid, or disastrous?
"You're impulsive, you're not exactly credible." She sighs and at that I just shrug. "Mark is going to have a freaking field day with this." She says, annoyed. "I'll be surprised if he doesn't petition the courts to terminate your parental rights all together."
"You're not going to tell him, are you?" I ask, suddenly very cold, realizing what exactly this could mean. I shouldn't feel badly. I didn't want her anyway, but the thought of loosing her makes my throat feel like it is restricting. She hands me the paper back, and I turn the page, concluding that I don't give a damn about sports and fold it back up again sitting it on the table.
"I should." She says. "I should have called him last night."
"Please don't."
"You're crying out for help. I have to figure out why." Mark takes my hands squeezing them tightly, supportively.
"The tube is out now Meredith. Everything's fine."
"Is that really what you want to do right now? You want to lie to me?" She asks, and I ignore this. "I guess that's fine, but I am taking my vacation days, and an absence from work to be here. I have everything taken care of so I can be away from the family, so I'm all in. I'm committed Addison. I have nowhere better to be right now than here, torturing you. The very least you could do is make my job easier by telling me the truth and stop being so damn destructive."
"I didn't ask for you to stay. I told you to go home to your family."
"You knew I wouldn't though." She counters. "Besides, we're sharing little Oakie Bear right now. You have to get better so she can have her Momma back."
"I'm not a good mother Meredith. I should have just gone with my original plan and gave custody of her to Mark. He would be a better parent. He could get his life together and be there for her. We should offer her to him. I could leave. You could go back to your family."
"Mark is no saint." Meredith reminds me. "He took her on a booty call. That's not exactly stellar parenting. You've both made mistakes."
"I know he's been staying with Trixie."
"How do you know about that?" She asks, looking guilty.
"I hired a private investigator to follow him." I say, shrugging in defeat. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out though. He hates hotels long term. We know he didn't get a new house or apartment. Where else would he have gone?"
"I didn't want to say anything." Meredith says sadly. "He made that huge show about wanting to be here for you, and for Oakley. He made a huge performance about wanting to be a family again, but not once has he contacted us for visitation with her. The only time he saw her independent of your visits with him was when they found you. I had the girls with me when they called us to the hospital."
"You let your daughter see me like this?" I ask, horrified. Oakley is so young that she wouldn't remember, but Willow, she's five.
"Derek wasn't too happy when he found out, but with his surgery schedule and it being the Nanny's scheduled time of I didn't have much of a choice."
"I don't want Willow to be afraid of me." I murmur.
"She's not, Addison both of the girls love you so much. We have to get back on track. I want you in their lives. Derek wants you in their lives. We just have to make it safe for everyone."
"That's impossible." I say, frowning. "I'm not safe to be around. In time they will forget and move on. Children who are adopted adjust. I could give Mark custody like I originally planned, and Trixie can play Mommy to her…" I don't know what else to say. I am terrified of hurting her, or Willow. I don't want to be anywhere near them. I keep coming back to what if they would have been with me when I blacked out? Would they have gotten hurt? Kidnapped? Lost?
"Are you really willing to throw away all of the progress that you've made?" She asks, clearly annoyed with me and I just shake my head. I don't know. How can she trust me when I cannot even trust myself?
"The situation hasn't changed." I tell her. "I have to do what's best for Oakley. Meredith… I thought things would be different, but I don't have a choice."
"You always have a choice Addison; you're just choosing not to see it."
Authors Note:
Thank you to everyone reading In My Blood! I think it is realistic that something would happen just when Addison is gaining confidence with Oakley to knock her back down again! What do you think? Please review!