In My Blood
Chapter 23:
Addison Montgomery's Point of View:
One Month Later
"Addison it's time to wake up." Meredith comes into my room, and I can hear her opening the curtains, letting in the sunlight that seemed impossibly bright for this early in the morning. I look over groggily and see that it's not actually just the sunrise. She's turned on the artificial sunlight lamp that my doctor suggested I use to encourage vitamin D production and reduce my depression. I argued that my depression isn't seasonal, but Mark bought the lamp anyway stating that it doesn't matter.
"Go away." I mumble, pulling the blanket over my head to block out the light.
"I have an idea." Meredith says, flopping down on my bed. I struggle to wake up, knowing if I don't look somewhat functional she'll drag me out of bed. It's happened in the past. I have been spending more and more time in bed lately. I hardly go downstairs anymore. The struggle to wake up is real. The hangover from the alcohol I keep hidden under the floorboard hasn't completely worn off yet. She hasn't found the alcohol. She doesn't know that I've been getting deliveries and secretly night drinking as soon as she goes to bed. I look over to the clock on the bedside table, and groan when I see the time.
"It better be a hell of an idea." I say, annoyed. I half to suppress the urge to throw my pillow at her. "It's five in the morning." I inform her. "Couldn't this have waited?"
"I'm sorry." She responds, but she doesn't sound sorry at all. She sits Oakley down on the bed next to me. My blood flows cold and I freeze. My hands begin to shake. Meredith has been trying to arrange a visitation, but I have refused. I haven't seen her since the incident that landed me in the hospital. I didn't want to see her. I'm ashamed of what I did. I try not to look at her, but I can't resist. She is getting so big. Her auburn hair is longer, I don't think I've ever seen a baby with hair this long. She is only seven months old. She looks like a little toddler sitting on my bed. Meredith has pulled her hair back into two little curly pigtails. The pink hairbands and barrettes match her dinosaur footy pajamas. Oakley screams "Momma!" and grins so wide. I smile back at her weakly. She crawls across the small distance of bed between us and up onto my lap. I look at Meredith terrified, questioningly and hesitant. Oakley rubs her little eyes sleepily and lays her head on my chest, murmuring "Momma, Momma, Momma."
"We've been up for a while, she's probably ready to go back to sleep." Meredith says, soothingly seeing my panic. "She's your baby Addison. All you have to do is hold her. You're doing fine."
"What is she doing here?" I ask, trying to suppress the panic that is threatening to overwhelm me. "She isn't supposed to be here Meredith. Mark is going to have a fit. We had an agreement."
"We had an agreement that you would not have Oakley unsupervised, and you're not unsupervised. I'm here." She reminds me, and I just look away. I told her I didn't want to see Oakley. I told her to let Mark take it to court for custody. I told her it would be so much easier on everyone if I was no longer in Oakley's life complicating things. He has been as distant as I have though. Meredith brought it up to him, but when he didn't make any effort to proceed she didn't force the issue. She has kept Oakley safe with her and Derek. She hasn't forced visitation until today. I don't know what my end game is, but for now I need time. Oakley is taking my hair and twisting it with her fingers. She tugs it hard. I unwrap her little fingers and bounce her, distracting her from my auburn rats nest as I pull it up into a messy bun.
"You agreed not to bring her here."
"No. You agreed I wouldn't bring her here. I never said that." She corrects me, but she looks at me sympathetically. "There was an emergency with the Nanny and Derek couldn't get out of surgery. He dropped the girls off about an hour ago. You know you can hold her right?" She asks me, I had stopped bouncing her, and she frowns at the awkward way that Oakley is laying on me. "She doesn't bite... much." I wonder if Oakley can feel how uncomfortable this is for me. I reposition her and gently pat her back. Within what seems like seconds she pops her thumb in her mouth and falls back asleep.
"I would like to go on an outing today." Meredith informs me. I grimace at her. She has her pretty smile on right now. She's trying to convince me that leaving the house will end in anything but disaster. She must have had an energy drink or extra double espresso this morning because she is way too perky for five in the morning. She is not a morning person. She hates mornings almost as much as I do... almost.
"An outing?"
"You've missed over a month of visitations with Oakley. It would be nice to get out of the house and spend some time together with the girls."
"I don't want visitation." I remind her. "I'm dangerous, and self destructive. I shouldn't even be holding her right now. I'm a bad influence, what if my impulsivity rubs off on her?"
"It could be fun Addison." She says, ignoring my comments. I am certain she is trying to assure me just as much as she is trying to assure herself. I can't think of anything fun about an outing with two small children. Oakley is still too little to really do anything.
"I'm not feeling well, but I'd love it if you take the girls. I could stay home and sleep. The children's museum has a wonderful sensory art exhibit this week. Admission includes a mommy and me painting session." I offer and she narrows her eyes at me. "What? If you suddenly have an aversion to the children's museum you could always take them to the zoo. Willow would love that. They have their yearly LEGO display up until the end of the month." We have spent so many weekends and holidays at the local attractions that I know their schedules without even having to look, I do still get emails though.
"I would rather you came along. The thing is I can't go unless you go. I want you to spend more time with Oakley. You were making such great progress before everything happened and I promised our husbands that I wouldn't leave you alone."
"Derek too?" I ask, wearily.
"He still cares for you greatly." She informs me. "He wanted to come by, but he doesn't know what to say. He feels like it's no longer his place, and him being here would be an intrusion of your privacy, but he's worried about you and he's angry at Mark for leaving you." She explains, and I don't know how much of this I believe. We were married, and even though divorced he had never receded from letting me know exactly how he felt about any given matter. Now that I'm 'sick' he's suddenly shy?
"Well I can't speak for Derek, but what Mark want's shouldn't be taken into consideration. Mark's right. He left. He hasn't called or come by since I was released from the hospital. Promises made to him shouldn't count at this point." I ignore the part about her wanting me to spend more time with Oakley. I don't want more time with her yet. Spending time with her terrifies me. I thought I was ready to face my daemons, but I was wrong. Mark is right. I'm a terrible mother and I don't deserve her. I am incapable of making myself better for her.
"It's not just Mark."
"What do you mean?"
"Mark still has medical power of attorney over you. I love you and it terrifies me to think of what may happen to you if he finds out that you're not in compliance with his demands." I just shrug at this. What's the worse he could do to me? Maybe a nice long stay in a psychiatric hospital is exactly what I need right now.
"He'll only give me what I deserve. He can't hurt me anymore than he did by cheating, and then leaving me Meredith."
"You let Mark get inside of your head Addison. It's absolute bullshit and you need to wake up and sort your issues with him. You can't keep coming in and out of Oakley's life. At this point you're manifesting the horrible things Mark says about you and none of it was true before. We can't do this to her Addison. She deserves so much more than two parents who can't be bothered to love her."
"I was out of her life. You're the one who brought her here." I object. Stung by her words. I am keeping my distance because I love her. I am doing what's best for Oakley.
"Well, technically it was Derek." She points out.
"Who cares?!" I explode. "The point is you can't fuss at me for being in and out of her life when I was already out of her life and you're the one who initiated contact with her." I try to keep my voice even. I don't want to startle Oakley and wake her up. I don't want her to start crying. I wouldn't know how to comfort her if she did.
"You're her mother Addison." She says, and I shake my head.
"Biologically maybe, but physically? Emotionally? I'm not her mother. I should have been strong enough to just walk away and not allow Mark to manipulate me into staying earlier this year. Imagine the life she could have had Meredith. She could have been with real parents who love her. She could have been with a family who has wanted her more than anything else in this world." My voice breaks as I realize how selfish I have been. I wasn't strong enough to do what needed to be done from the beginning, and as a result she has suffered.
"You are all of those things, and more Addison." She says, "And until you are ready to take her back, she is with a family who loves her. Derek and I want her, and she's safe. You don't have to worry about that while you're taking the time you need to recover. I need you to bond with her though. It will help, when the time comes for you to take her, you won't be stuck with a child who doesn't know you."
"I don't want her back. I don't want to bond with her. If I bond with her, it will only hurt more when I let her go." She is heavy against my chest. It's almost unbearably uncomfortable. I don't want to move though. Meredith narrows her eyes at me, disbelieving.
"I'm sick of this Addison." She says, and she sounds truly exhausted. "If what you're saying is true, if you really have no interest in regaining custody you should just let Derek and I adopt her. At this point we've been her parents longer than you and Mark have and the two of you cannot seem to get your shit together well enough to care for her."
"I can see you're really regretting saving my life about now aren't you?" I ask her. "If I was dead you could have just taken her. It's not like Mark wants her. He wouldn't have stepped up. How much easier would your life have been if you had walked out of that hospital room and pretended like you were never there?"
"The day you slit your wrists?" She asks confirming we're thinking about the same time. "You both would have died." She takes a deep breath and stands, watching me, trying to filter her anger. "Despite my interventions you almost died." She shudders, and I know she is thinking back to that day. "Even if you believe that you'd be better of dead, look at that baby sleeping in your arms." She instructs me, and I do, she is breathing slowly and evenly. She's smiling in her sleep. "Do you really think she deserves that same fate? I don't want my life to be easier if it means one or both of you die."
"It's like you're banging your head against a brick wall Meredith. I can't be saved, but she's here now. She can." I say, carefully.
"Well it's my head." Meredith pauses. "I refuse to stop trying until you're both safe. Losing isn't an option. Quitting, giving up, that's not an option here Addison."
"Fine." I say, quietly. "I really don't want to go out today though. I want you to take the girls and have fun. I shouldn't even be this close to Oakley anyway. She was born prematurely, and I'm sick." I cough hard, it's convincing because once I fake coughed it triggers a real coughing fit. "I think it may be the flu or maybe pneumonia." I gently pass her Oakley. "I shouldn't even be breathing on her. The flu could kill her." She was only born six weeks prematurely, but her immune system isn't great. The whole reason Meredith went with leaving her with the Nanny over daycare was because she knew how germy day cares are. Meredith takes Oakley, and then once she is positioned feels my forehead.
"Hmm." She says. "You do feel a little warm, but you're breathing normally. I don't think you're sick, at least not with the flu or pneumonia. You've coughed once this whole time."
"Why?" Damn it. I should have said I have a headache, or something less obvious.
"You're forgetting that I'm a doctor too. Not only am I a doctor, but I'm your best friend. I know you well enough to know when you're faking illness to get out of doing something. It's been a month Addison. You've been wallowing in self pity for long enough."
"I'm not faking." I insist. "If you don't want to go don't, but we could have a quiet day here, or you could just not tell Mark you left if by some random act of fate he remembers he has a wife and child and calls you for a progress report." She looks defeated. "I'm fine. I don't need someone here around the clock. Mark is being excessive."
"He is being reasonable." She argues. "Not having someone here around the clock only works if you decide to behave yourself and not attempt suicide while we're gone. You don't exactly have the best track record with that do you?" She asks, knowing it was too mean. She sighs. "There is nothing quiet about a day at home with the girls."
"Where's Willow?" I ask her. "We could let her decide."
"She's asleep in my room. She wanted to sleep in Heavenly's bedroom, but I told her no because you were asleep and we couldn't ask your permission."
"It's fine. She's allowed to go in there." I tell her. "I want to change that room."
"The guest room I'm using?" Meredith asks, confused.
"No, Heavenly's room. In December we spent a lot of time in there." I think of the cold December days. Looking back I suppose I should have taken her out to play. That's what a true baby sitter or nanny would have done. We could have gone ice skating or sledding in the play park. We could have gone to Gymboree soft play or visited the children's museum. Instead we stayed home. I hate myself for this now. Would things have been easier if I had immersed us both back into the real world? The outside world? I remember the days when I would leave Willow playing alone while I went to the bathroom, or took a quick phone call only to find her in Heavenly's room, crying on her bed when I returned. Sometimes she'd sneak off and I'd find her playing with the toys they both loved so much or sitting quietly in the corner reading nook looking at Heavenly's books. There were hours upon hours when we'd just sit together in the doorway and watch the stillness of the bedroom. How many hours had we spent in or around Heavenly's room because she refused to leave and I was too physically weak to pick her up and carry her down the stairs?
"They were so close. They brought us together. You'd still hate me for stealing your husband if it wasn't for the girls. We bonded over our pregnancies with them."
"Is it really considered stealing him if I threw him out?" I ask her teasingly. That's not how things really happened, and she knows it, but she smiles all the same. I move to the walk-in closet, deciding that if she was going to force me to go out, or even to go downstairs, that I need to look presentable.
"They were sisters really. I want to do something with that space for Willow and Oakley." I say, pulling on a pair of jeans and looking dimly through my tops. Everything is too big, or too uncomfortable. I need to go shopping, but I don't care enough to do something that involved.
"Yeah? Like what?" Meredith asks, she sounds distracted. I hear Oakley giggling and peek my head out to see that she had woken up, and Meredith is laying on her back holding baby Oakley up in the air and bench pressing her up and down. Oakley is clearly enjoying this arrangement. She shrieks with laughter and babbles baby talk with each repetition.
"I don't know yet." I admit. "It wouldn't be for a while anyway. If things ever go back to normal, not saying they will, but if they do that room could be their to play in or whatever they want. Willow could help with the design concept, she is so creative Meredith." I'm not sure what I'm saying. I JUST told Meredith that I don't even want Oakley and now I'm talking about building a second playroom? I'm not even comfortable being around the girls right now. Maybe in time things will change. That seems to be what Meredith is hoping for anyway. My heart aches when I realize that the chances of this happening are almost non existent. How many chances and I going to be given when I keep screwing things up. I don't say anything else though, just leaving the offer on the table for now.
"Are you sure you're ready for that? It's a big change."
"No, but the room is just sitting there." I finally slide on a black and white striped shirt, and an orange cardigan. I slip on matching orange flats and walk back into the bedroom. "We can donate the furniture to charity or something. I'm sure someone's child could use it."
"There's been something I've been meaning to ask you." Meredith says.
"Okay." I respond cautiously. I sit down on the bed next to where they are playing.
"I know you've been having a hard time lately, but I really want to bring the girls here more. It would only be for a few hours in the afternoons. If you're uncomfortable with this I could keep them downstairs. You've been staying up here most of the time anyway."
"You don't need my permission to see the girls Meredith. Why do you think you need my permission for that?"
"With how much you've been struggling it just seemed better to ask first. It's still your house, and if you're not ready yet we can wait a little longer. Our nanny decided to go back to university and so she's asked for us to reduce her hours so she can attend her courses in the afternoons." Meredith explains. "As much as we loved having Willow here in December we should have waited. We were being selfish. It was the best thing for us, for Willow, not for you."
"Willow needed help."
"She still needs help, but I think this may help everyone." She admits. "We have always co-parented our children, and when Willow lost Heavenly she basically lost you and Mark as well. It's like two of her parents abandoned her. I know that was not your intentions, and I am also aware that we cannot do anything about Mark, but maybe being around the girls will help. It helped before." She says, but I can tell she's holding something back. I'm not getting the full story out of her.
"I..."
"You don't have to decide right now." Meredith says quickly. "Willow got you back briefly, but you were so sick. I want you to take your time in deciding."
"I'm still very sick. I'm not suitable to be around children Meredith."
"You're getting better." Meredith points out. "She needs to see you getting better Addison. She needs something to give her hope. She's only five years old and she wakes up screaming, terrified at night because she's attending your funeral next." I must look some particular way when she discloses this information because she continues. "I'm sorry Addison. It's not my intention to be harsh, but this is the reality I'm living in. Every time I look at you I see you bleeding out on the bathroom floor."
"That is exactly why I am not suitable to be around. This is why she shouldn't be around me, why neither of the girls should be around me. Meredith how could you trust me with them after everything that I've done? After all the damage that I've caused and am still causing?"
I just do." She says, shrugging. "You've always put the girls first even if it's not the way I would have done things. You never put them in harms way." She says. I open my mouth to argue, but we are interrupted by a tiny little voice talking, her joyful tone carrying through the vents from the next room over. The upstairs guest bedroom where Willow had apparently wakened. We sit there in silence for a few moments, just listening to her, speaking and pausing as if listening to a response and then speaking again.
'Hi Heavenly!'
'I've really missed you so much!'
'I haven't seen you in forever. Where have you been?'
'No. I tried but Mommy said not until Aunt Addison feels better.'
'Oh.'
'My Mommy doesn't believe that I can see you, but I'm here now! We can play together again! Do you want to play dollies?'
'I don't know if your Mommy believes or not. I haven't seen her lately, but I will today! I saw your daddy yesterday. He grew a beard!'
'I like your dolly. Catalina really is the best dolly dancer. I have this new dolly! She has a pretty purple leotard and a sparkly purple tutu! Let's play ballet! You and Catalina can be the soloist and I will be the demi-soloist with Kendall!'
I feel the color draining from my face. I automatically assume the worst. I assume that someone's broken in or hacked the security system, but no. She said Heavenly's name. Meredith looks concerned for a second, but then continues playing with Oakley as if nothing had happened. The conversation is one sided. Maybe Willow has an imaginary friend. Before Meredith can object I walk out into the hallway. Meredith gets up, carrying Oakley on her hip and follows me.
"Hi Aunt Addison." Willow says, without even turning around from where she was sitting on the bed, playing with her doll. She twirls the doll around in circles and makes her leap into the air.
"Hi sweetheart, how did you know it was me?" I ask her.
"Your feet make softer noises on the ground when you walk than my Mommy's do." She says, but it sounds dis authentic. Like someone is telling her what to say.
"I like your baby, where'd you get her?"
"Mommy took me to American Girl. Her name is Kendall. She has a purple tutu!"
"I see that! It's very pretty! I love how sparkly it is!" I say, trying to match her excitement, but inside I'm cringing. I take a deep breath and try to put on that same 'It's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine' shield of armor that I so desperately clung to in December. I need it now more than ever. I distract myself looking at the doll. She was a baby doll with medium skin and dark hair. She was wearing a pink and purple leotard dress, and upon closer examination I realize that Willow is wearing the same dress. "You look very sweet today." I say, and she ignores me, getting up, dancing around the room with her doll and signing a little tune. She rocks the doll a little too hard and nearly drops her as she leaps, attempting a Jete, something beyond her years and experience level but cute all the same.
"Mommy said that we may be going on an outing." She says, in a singsong voice. "Can I stay here with you instead?" She is talking so fast and dancing and spinning even faster. "We could bake cookies and play toys and read stories. I have a new book. It's all about Kendall. There's a whole series, but so far I only have book one. Mommy said I get one a week if I do good with my schoolwork. I need help reading it. It's a 2th grade reading level, but it came with Kendall, so now it's mine to read." She looks like there is more that she wants to say, but she falls silent when she realizes her mom is standing in the doorway watching her. She stops dancing, flopping herself down into the chair next to the bed, looking at her mother glumly and squeezing Kendall tightly.
"Sorry Mommy... I forgot." She mutters under her breath. She puts her baby doll down next to her and sits unnaturally still, hands folded in her lap.
"Sorry for what?" I ask before Meredith gets a chance to say anything. I am confused and alarmed at her sudden change in demeanor. I look between her and Meredith, trying to figure out what's going on. "Spill." I demand.
"Mommy says I have to..." She closes her eyes, focusing hard trying to remember. "Don't be so hyperactive, or too rambunctious, or too loud. Don't mention Heavenly or tell Aunt Addison you see her because it might make her upset. If I do I will get into trouble." She starts listing the things off one by one using her fingers to help her keep track. I notice the sparkly polish, with tiny glitter stars. "Mommy said even though you're getting better you still need to rest, and stressing you out is against the rules so I shouldn't do it, at all or I will be into trouble." Willow gasps and puts her hands over her mouth when she realizes she just said what she wasn't supposed to say. She looks over at me apologetically. There is a look of fear in her eyes as they well up with tears. I look over to Meredith, angered that she would put her five year old in such a position to begin with. I look back to Willow, and smile at her, trying to hide my anger, shock and confusion. I don't want her to think I am mad at her. She told the truth, that is an honorable thing.
"Well..." I say, "Lucky for you..." I tickle Willow and she shrieks with laughter, falling back onto the mattress. "This is my house, and your Mommy doesn't make all of the rules." She sits up still laughing.
"So I'm not in trouble?"
"No, not by me."
"Can we stay here today, just you and me like we used to? I really miss being here with..." She trails off dubiously over at her mother. Meredith gives her a warning look, but Oakley begins to cry, and Willow finishes the sentence "With you." although I'm certain that's not what she had originally meant to say.
"I'm taking this little one down for her breakfast." Meredith announces.
"Wait, we'll come too. I don't want..." I look from Willow to Meredith, and back to Willow who had climbed onto my lap and was pouting up at me.
"Come when you're ready. You'll be fine Addison. I'm right downstairs." She says, and leaves the room, chattering to Oakley about what they're going to eat. I wish she would stop trusting me so much. Even if I was well what do I have to offer this child?
"I just want to stay here today." She says.
"I think your Mommy wants us all to go do something fun." I say, and Willow just shakes her head 'no' before resting her head on my shoulder. Her dark hair smells like honeysuckle and lavender.
"I want to stay with you." She says quietly. "When I am at home I can only see Heavenly when I am sleeping, but when I am here Heavenly is everywhere all the time." She tries to explain, but I can tell she is tired, and at only five years old she probably just doesn't have the words she needs. "She is everywhere all the time and it doesn't make sense!" She exclaims and in frustration throws her doll hard across the room and buries her face in my shoulder again. "Please don't leave me again Aunt Addison." She says, before the tears get the best of her and she cries herself into a restless sleep.
I tuck Willow back into bed, retrieving the doll from where she had thrown her and tucking her close under the child's arm. I walk downstairs and into the kitchen. For a moment I stand just in the doorway, watching Meredith feeding Oakley organic fruit and oatmeal. She probably sees Meredith as more of a mother than she ever did me. Meredith is right. She's the one who has been there for her. She stepped up when I couldn't. She has been the constant in her life for the last four months. The only time i've taken care of her during that time was visitation. That scarcely counts. It wasn't real parenting.
"Are you alright?" She asks, looking up at me.
"I'm um..." I shift uncomfortably. I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. There is no relief in knowing your best friend's child thinks she is seeing your dead child's ghost. "Willow's asleep again." I finally settle, trying to find something safer to discuss than my mental health.
"That's good." She says, yawning. "I absolutely hate early mornings. She'll be a nightmare later if she doesn't get some good sleep now." She leaves Oakley in her highchair and opens the fridge to get a bottle of water. The glittery rainbow picture frame with the words Coney Island is still there. The picture was taken a random day last summer. We had taken a day trip to visit the beach at Coney Island. A little pop up stand was selling Hawaiian shaved ice and the girls had to have one. Before the shaved ice completely melted we took their picture. They are standing together by the water, big goofy smiles, and rainbow sticky all over their faces, hands, and swimsuits. That is one of the last pictures we have of them together. It was the last vacation we took together before it happened.
"So how long has Willow been talking about Heavenly?" I ask, and Meredith nearly drops the bowl of Oatmeal, but she quickly recovers and feeds Oakley another bite.
"She wasn't supposed to mention that."
"She's five, what do you expect?" I ask, simply.
"Are you mad?"
"Mad? No." I take a deep breath, sucking air in between my teeth, shaking my head. "Concerned? Yes. Uncomfortable that you're asking your child to keep secrets from me? Most definitely."
"Addison I didn't want to make things worse. You've been through so much. I didn't want to upset you." I can hear the pity in her tone. Oakley smacks both of her hands down on the highchair tray for another bite. "I don't think it's appropriate, but her therapist says it's just her brains wait of processing the trauma it's been through, and it will pass." Meredith takes the spoon and zooms it around. Oakley opens her mouth and takes the bite, chewing thoughtfully.
"You didn't think this would come up?" I ask.
"I was hoping it wouldn't." She admits.
"How long?" I demand.
"Addison..."
"Stop Addison-ing me! Besides you're the one who brought it up!"
"Me? How?"
"You told me Willow needs me. What in the hell else would she need me for? She is the child of two surgical Gods plus your nanny speaks multiple languages fluently and has a masters degree in teaching. I'm certain she has the ABC's and 123's of kindergarten covered. After what happened with Heavenly Meredith and Derek opted out of the public or private school system and all activities where parents, or nannies could not be present. She couldn't cope with the thought of possibly losing Willow too. I would have done the same, if things were different.
"Addison she just misses you." She says, but then she falls silent again. I can tell by her expression that this conversation isn't going the way she hoped it would. I look at her and a sudden feeling of hopelessness takes over. What does she want me to say?
"I don't... I'm not..." I start, but then I fall silent again.
"Don't tell me what you think it is I want to hear." Meredith demands. "Listen to your heart. You know my daughter. You helped raise her from the time she was a newborn. This alternate reality she's stuck in isn't healthy." She watches me carefully for a minute, but when I don't respond she busies herself cleaning up Oakley and wiping the highchair tray. I rest my head in my hands. I don't know what to believe. I have never been religious person. I would like to think that Heavenly is in a better place, but what that place is? I don't know.
"I believe her." I finally say, massaging my temples. Meredith looks around at me, shocked. She wasn't expecting those words to come from my lips.
"Heavenly is gone Addison. As devastating as it is, she is gone."
"No, I know that, but to Willow this is real." I point out. Meredith picks up Oakley and walks to the living room, sitting her down to play on the floor with her toys. I follow her, sitting down on the couch, trying to ward away the exhaustion that's sinking in. "She was almost afraid because she thought that she was going to get into trouble. A kid wouldn't go through all that for something that isn't real. She believes what she's saying Meredith."
"Right, but just because she believes it doesn't make it true. Do you suddenly believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy now as well?"
"Heavenly was real." I say, her words stinging. "That's not the same thing at all."
"I don't want you encouraging her. You are killing yourself trying to cling to Heavenly and I don't want my daughter following in your footsteps. I sympathize with you. Addison you know how much I loved Heavenly, but Willow has to realize that Heavenly is gone. She needs this so she can have a chance at recovering."
"So, you want me to do what exactly?" I ask, my face heating up. I am getting so frustrated with her. She was the one who brought the child here, and now she's mad at me? What the actual fuck. "It's clear that you do not want me interacting with her, so what do you want?"
"Addison that's not what I meant..."
"So, let me get this clear, that wasn't what you meant but in the same breath you want me to never mention Heavenly with her again and act like my child never existed when I am around her? Might as well pull all the pictures down off the walls as well." I retort.
"I just want her to live a normal life Addison, is that too much to ask?" Meredith sits down beside me. "Do you know I had to take her out of dance and equestrian lessons because she just cried the whole time to the point where the teachers didn't want to deal with her and the other children bullied her?" She asks me, and I have to work really hard to not roll my eyes at her. What I wouldn't give to have her problems right now. Of course, it's horrible that Willow was being bullied, but those were things that she and Heavenly enjoyed together. Of course she would be upset to have to do them alone.
"How exactly do you expect her to have a normal life? Be specific." I challenge her. "She was raised with Heavenly. They were best friends." I stop as a lump forms in my throat, I swallow hard. "They were as good as sisters from the time they were born. Do you really expect her to just forget that Heavenly ever existed and continue on with her pampered life like last summer never happened? Do you expect her to believe that her entire life was not real?"
"I just want my daughter back... Addison please."
"No. Absolutely not."
"Excuse me?" She asks.
"No. If you want me in her life you will take me exactly as I am. You had no problem leaving her here in December and you had no problem bringing her here today. If she needs, or wants, to talk about Heavenly we will, and she will not be put in trouble or made to feel poorly under my roof for talking about her best friend. This is a safe space."
"Ghosts aren't real Addison." Meredith says, shaking her head in annoyance. Oakley begins crying though and before I can even get up she is up and over to where Oakley is playing, gently soothing her.
"Mommy you can't take me away again!" We hear a small voice from the doorway, and look up to see Willow, tears streaming down her face. "Heavenly is real!" She screams, so loud that I can almost feel the vibrations of her voice in my bones as she speaks.
"Willow, I'm done with this." Meredith says, giving her daughter a warning glare.
"Well I'm not done!" She shouts. "You are not listening to my words!" She screams, stomping her feet with each word. She looks at me, and I can see the built up fear, frustration, confusion and sadness in her eyes. Oakley is crying louder now, hearing Willow's upset tone. I look from Willow, to her mother who already looks like her patience is worn ragged, and make an execuative decision. I get up and scoop the little girl up into my arms, sitting back down on the couch and holding her tightly, whispering softly to her until the tears stop and her breathing has evened out into a steady sob. I loosen my grip on her and rub her back. She rests her head on my shoulder.
"Sometimes adults disagree, but I'm not leaving you again, do you understand Willow?" I ask her. She glances up at me with her wet eyes.
"You did leave me though. Thrice."
"You're in Kindergarten, where did you learn a word like thrice?"I ask, distracted.
"It's an adverb. My nanny says it sounds better than saying 'three times' even though it means the same thing." She shrugs her shoulders, like she's bored to death with her own life.
"Aunt Addison only left because she was sick." Meredith chimes in. "Do you remember visiting her in the hospital?" She asks, and Willow nods, and then looks back at me.
"You're still sick." She observes. It's not a question, just a statement of truth. "Heavenly" She says her name like she is a person of great credibility and importance. "Says that you're still sick." She continues. "She says you're getting sicker because you want to die. She says that you don't eat, and that you took out your feeding tube. She told me that you are supposed to take medicine to help you get better, but you go to the bathroom and throw it up the moment Mommy leaves the room in the morning, because your medication is keeping you alive, and you don't want to be alive anymore." She says all of this in a span of like five seconds before Meredith or I can stop her. It's a funny thing how children can be so condemning while still being plain. She doesn't realize the gravity of what she's said. My face drains of color. Hearing a child say these things sends a chill down my spine. She isn't lying, though there is no way she could have known this information. Her mother and I exchange a 'We'll talk about this later' look and I force myself to smile at Willow. She doesn't know, or understand that this could get me in trouble with her mom and Uncle Mark.
"Well apparently Heavenly doesn't know everything now does she?" I ask Willow teasingly, but it hurts to talk about Heavenly as if she is still here. I swallow hard, but continue the positive tone. "The doctors say that I'm getting better. That means soon we'll be able to do fun things together again like we used to."
"My Mommy has been saying soon for what feels like eons."
"Healing takes time Willow." Meredith cuts in before I can respond. "Why don't you go play with toys upstairs while Aunt Addison and I cook you some breakfast?"
"But..." Willow objects, but Meredith gives her a sharp look and she gets down. "Fine." She huffs. She gives me one last look before going up the stairs, stomping her feet hard on every step on the way up. Meredith transfers the now sleeping Oakley into her swing and stands up, summoning me to the kitchen.
"Is there any truth in what she said?" She asks me, taking out eggs, turkey bacon and some weird frozen biscuits that taste just like the ones that the restaurants use. I don't answer her right away as I watch her prepare breakfast for herself and Willow. I busy myself with a plain yogurt, making sure she sees me eating it. I consider my answer carefully. I could say that I don't know what she's talking about. I could save my own ass, but I won't. I don't want to make things more strained between Willow and her mom.
"Addison?" She asks pulling my attention towards her again.
"She's not lying." I confirm. I push my bowl aside and rest my head on the table. My head is pounding and I am so tired already of this game of 'Lets make believe that everything is Okay."
"How could you be so ungrateful?" She asks me, and I look up at her confused.
"Excuse me?"
"I left my job to be here with you, to make sure that you're okay and recovering well. Yet you are still sabotaging yourself and your recovery every chance you get."
"I didn't ask you to do any of that. I didn't ask you to leave your job, or to move in." I point out, and she just sighs. Putting the frozen biscuits on a pan and sticking them in the oven. She starts the scrambled eggs. "Ontop of that I have made sure you are more than compensated for the lost wages, health insurance, benefits, and all of the extra expenses involved with taking care of Oakley."
"Do you seriously think it's the money I'm worried about?" She asks, and I fall silent again. "I don't want your money. If this doesn't go well Mark is going to have you committed Addison."
"I don't care what Mark thinks anymore Meredith. Maybe you should let him. Oakley is safe. She's happy with you. You could go back to living your perfect little life with my daughter."
"Oh now you're concerned about her?" She asks, with a vindictive laugh. "Lets not forget that you didn't even want her. You wanted her dead. You would both be dead if I wasn't here to look after you." She states, but she knows she's gone too far because tears are streaming down my face now, and I am shaking my head no at her.
"I don't want Oakley dead." I object, knowing that this is somehow my twisted version of the truth, of the reality I am trying to force myself to exist in. Not wanting her, and wanting her dead are two very different things. Not wanting her and being suicidal and wanting to take my own life while pregnant is also very different. Still the guilt is suffocating. I know what I've done, but I love her enough to let her go to someone who can give her what I cant. I love her, but I have to keep my distance, at least for now. I am doing the right thing. I am being selfless, even though it's disguised as selfishness.
"You could have fooled me." She says, shrugging. "Your actions speak louder than your words Addison." She cracks the last egg into the bowl, adds salt and pepper and then uses the whisk to scramble them up. "At least she's safe with me."
"You think I haven't been busting my ass to get Oakley back home?" I demand.
"You're not taking your medication, you're not eating properly, you're not maintaining visitations. You've cut your therapy sessions down to once a month instead of weakly. I think you're selfish." She clarifies. "I don't think you're ready to have her back yet, especially unsupervised."
"That's rich coming from you." I say, annoyed. "You left her with me unsupervised." I remind her, too enraged to think clearly.
"You were doing better then; you're slipping now."
"So why don't you just take the girls and go? I didn't ask for you to bring them here, I told you that I'm unfit to be around children and you clearly think the same thing. You're the better mother. Take them and leave."
"I didn't say that Addison."
"You might as well have!"
"Just stop!" She demands. "I'm not doing this with you today. I know your game Addison. You're not going to push me away. I'm family. You're my family. Family shows up for each other no matter what the cost." She pours the eggs into the warm skillet moving them around with the spatula and then getting the turkey bacon prepared to bake and putting it in the oven next to the rising biscuits. "I'm your person. You need me, even if you do not want to admit it. You're going to get your shit together whether you like it or not." She informs me.
"Yet you started this argument." I move my bowl and spoon to the kitchen sink, wash them, place them in the drainer and then against the doorway awaiting her response. "You're not acting like family. You're not behaving like 'my person'. Are you really just helping me so you can throw it in my face? That's not what family does." I ask, but she is busy, finishing her stove-top cooking, avoiding my watchful eye. The eggs are fluffy and yellow. She sprinkles on just the tiniest amount more salt and pepper. I feel a pang of envy. I can never get scrambled eggs to turn out right. I have never truly mastered cooking, although I can usually manage to scrape something together if I have to.
"You need a wake up call. You're spiraling. I am sick to death of sitting here and watching you slowly kill yourself. Your husband is not enough of a reason to live. You're daughter is not enough of a reason to live. Willow, Derek and I are not good enough reasons for you to live but damn it Addison..." She turns, taking me by the arms. I automatically look up at her, there are tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Meredith..."
"No." She says forcefully. "I don't want to hear your excuses. You have to find a reason to stop with the self destruction. I don't care if it's because it's Tuesday, or because you like those God awful green juices that taste like dirty feet. Or maybe it's because the sunset is beautiful and you can watch it everyday from the rooftop, and it's like the heavens and the earth meet, just for that little while. I don't care what it is. Anything. Find a reason." She lets me go and with an oven mitt takes the food out of the oven. She makes willow a plate and a glass of milk leaving the room. I stay in the kitchen, sitting down and resting my head back on the table, thinking about what she's said. Everyone including my husband and my child are better off without me complicating their lives. I cannot come up with a single reason.
Authors Note:
Thank you for everyone who is still reading! Please review! I think Meredith only said what she did out of anger and sheer frustration with Addison at the moment. Addison does seem to be doing a bit better, although editing me came through 2/26 with the rewrite and made it a little bit more like she's slipping and not doing as well. It also made sense for Meredith to be a little harsher. So excited the rewrite is almost complete! : )