In My Blood
Chapter 24
2 Month Later
Oakley 9 Months Old
Addison's Point of View
"Derek and I have been talking." Meredith says, sitting down at the table next to me and handing me a cup of hot peppermint tea. Shortly after the argument in the kitchen she convinced me to put, and keep, my feeding tube back in. She still doesn't trust me though. She checks and double checks the dosage and puts all of my medication directly into my tube feed. She won't let me prepare the feed, and she keeps all of the supplies locked away so there is no chance of me doing something dangerous with it. She has started supervising me after meals for at least an hour after each tube feeding to allow the formula and medication a chance to digest and lessen the effectiveness of intentionally throwing it up.
"Oh?" I ask. "What about?"
"You were making much more progress when you were seeing Oakley more, but you've been pulling away from her, it started after you were hospitalized, but it got worse after the argument we had a couple months ago."
"I'm sorry recovering from my daughter's brutal murder isn't going as quickly as you'd like it to." I say, facetiously narrowing my eyes at her. I feel a pang in my heart when I realize that Oakley is nine months old. That means Heavenly has been gone from my life for about eighteen months. How does it feel like it's been forever, and just a second all at the same time?
"I really want you to spend more time with her. I was wrong to take her away from you. I don't care what Mark says. She's you're daughter and I'm sorry I didn't trust you with her." She says carefully.
"I see Oakley every afternoon when you bring the girls over. It's okay though. I don't want that extra time. She's almost one. Mark will take her; we had an arrangement." I say impassively. I had almost convinced myself that I was enjoying my time with her when Meredith would leave her or visitation, or overnights and weekends. I was wrong though. I was just caught up in the fantasy that things could be normal again. It wasn't real. I don't have those feelings towards her. I tried, but when I am around her, I feel more like she's a child I'm meant to be baby-sitting, and less like her mother.
"That's true, but you don't feed her or play with her, or hold her or engage with her in anyway. You're keeping your distance from her Addison."
"You were right when you said I shouldn't have her."
"I was angry, I spoke without thinking, and it wasn't really my decision to make anyway. Mark made those decisions and I just abided by them to keep you home."
"She's not safe with me." I say, and Meredith looks at me sadly. She is quiet for a long while, just stirring the peppermint melting in her own tea after a long pause she speaks up again.
"We would like to adopt her."
"What?" I ask. I'm not angry, but I wasn't expecting that.
"Mark is not interested in anything but controlling you." She says carefully, and I know she is talking about the medical power of attorney. "He hasn't seen her or asked about her. I'm not talking about right way. We're only offering if there is no chance of reunification. You know reunification has always been our main goal, but Addison we love her so much. She lights up our world in ways that we didn't even know we were missing until she came to us." She's talking so fast, and then she stops, catching her breath and gathering her thoughts.
"I'm not interested in reunification Meredith." I tell her. "You told me to find my reason to live, but I don't have a reason. Heavenly was my reason, and she's gone. I don't want reunification. I don't want a feeding tube and medication three times a day. I don't want to exist in a world where my daughter isn't. I want you to let me die. I need to be with Heavenly and…" I'm crying and add in a broken tone. "And Michael. I want to be with my children. Surely wherever they are is better than this miserable existence. There is too much loss her. So much loss Meredith."
"We were selfish." She says, looking at me sympathetically.
"What?" I ask confused.
"As bad as it sounds you were in a better state of mind right after Oakley was born. You wanted to give her to Mark and walk away, but we pressured you, and manipulated you into staying. It was wrong of us. I constantly wonder if things wouldn't have been better if we'd have just let you go."
"I should have just walked away. I could have just left. I didn't and I don't know why. Maybe it's the guilt. I kept coming back to her, thinking I was supposed to do something, feel something for her."
"How much of this is you actually wanting to die and how much of this is you wanting to escape your current reality?" She asks me gently. I think about this. I don't know the answer she's looking for.
"I don't know." I admit.
"Well, you can't leave. You promised Willow you'd stay."
"She'll get over it, she'll recover, and she'll move on. I can't even take care of my own child; what exactly do you think I'm going to do for her? I have nothing to offer her."
"Willow is different. She's always been different Addison."
"I don't see how."
"You truly love her. It is different because from the moment you delivered her into this world you accepted as your 'daughter from another mother' without question. You love her just as strongly as you love Heavenly."
"I love Oakley."
"Do you? Really?"
"I do."
"But you don't want reunification?"
"I love her enough to know that I'm not what she needs. I've tried. I've given it my best shot Meredith. I've known from the beginning that I wasn't meant to be her mother."
"No." She says suddenly. "I refuse to believe that. We put too much pressure on you too soon. We thought that we knew what you wanted. We thought that losing another child would be too much for you. We should have given you the freedom to choose."
"Yeah." I say quietly. I take a drink of my tea. "I wish I would have been given that. How would this work?" I ask her.
"How would what work?"
"The adoption." I ask, I don't know why but there is hesitation in my tone.
"If you and Mark agree to the adoption, we would have our lawyer draw up adoption paperwork, and you'd both sign it and then we'd file it with the courts."
"That's not what I'm asking."
"I'm not sure I understand what you're asking?"
"If I don't leave, if I stay, how would this affect me?" I don't mean it to sound as heartless as it does, but I don't know what I am going to do yet.
"We would have it filed as an open adoption. Your information and Mark's information will be on all of the adoption forms. My intention is not to take your daughter from you Addison. You would have as little or as much access to her as you're comfortable with."
"What will happen when she's older? When she's questioning the truth?"
"I don't want to lie to her Addison. Maybe we don't lie." Meredith suggests. "Many families have birth parents and adoptive parents. All families look different and if you're asking these questions, it gives me the feeling that you want to stick around. We wouldn't stop being friends just because I adopted your baby. We haven't stopped being friends this far and I've had her for the last six months."
"What will you say if Willow has questions?" Why do I have so many questions? Why do I care what she tells the girls? It's none of my concern.
"I will tell her that Aunt Addison gave us the most precious and priceless of gifts."
"She can't call me mom, or momma or anything like that."
"I'm sure she'd call you whatever you tell her to." Meredith says, shrugging as if this is the very least of her worries. I should be more hung up about this. It should be a harder decision, but it's not.
"She can't know the truth."
"Addison…"
"Meredith, you're giving me a chance to give her the best life possible. Right now, she's too young to remember. I don't want her to ever, ever, even for a minute feel like she was unloved or unwanted. That's all the truth will do to her. The truth will break her. She can call me Aunt Addison like Willow does. It is the only way I can see this working with us still being friends."
"It will be impossible to do this without her knowing who you are. Even if I agreed to keep your secret do you really think Willow would be able to? She's five."
"No." I admit. "So, what will we tell them?" I press her.
"Hmm." Meredith says, thinking. "I'm not sure." She answers. "I would really love to just keep it to the truth. The truth is easier to remember than a web of lies."
"What good is the truth when it will leave her heartbroken? She'll hate me."
"We'd obviously have to leave out some of the finer details, your truth isn't exactly G rated."
"This is a whole mess."
"I can help you Addison." Meredith says, changing it up. "I can help you get your life together. You could have custody of her back." She offers. "There is no pressure to make a decision. We can continue on like we have been, or we can try something else. I just want you to feel better, and we're just putting the offer on the table incase it's something you're still considering."
"I'm sorry that I've put this on you and Derek. I know it must have been hard to do everything you've done for her, and for me, the sacrifices that you've made." She starts to say something, but the doorbell rings then. It's the Nanny dropping the girls off like she does everyday at exactly three in the afternoon. Meredith exchanges pleasantries with her, and then she leaves. Meredith comes into the kitchen, sits Oakley in the highchair and starts fixing a snack for the girls.
"Hiya Aunt Addison." Willow says all smiles. "Look! I lost a tooth!" She smiles as big as she can and shows me the gap. "If I put it under my pillow the tooth fairy will come and leave me a dollar and some chewing gum!"
"Wow that's fantastic!" I say, and maybe her excitement is rubbing off on me because for just a second, I truly do feel happy. I can almost physically feel my protective walls coming down. Is it the walls coming down or just instinct though? It's all been a game of make believe for so long. Pretend everything is normal for the kids.
"Can I go play?" Willow asks. "We already had a snack Mommy." She says, looking up at Meredith who was cutting apples into little slices. "We went to FroYo."
"Is your homework done?"
"Of course, it is. You know that SHE makes me finish it before we come over here. She doesn't want you to have to do more work."
"I'm sure that's not what she said."
"No, but it's what she meant." Willow says, rolling her eyes at her mother. The look Meredith gives her is murderous. I suck in a deep breath. Such a comment growing up would have earned me a hard smack across the face. I wonder briefly if Meredith is going to pop her and breathe a sigh of relief when the moment passes, and she does not.
"You can play." She says, eyeing her down. "You need to check your attitude though."
"Yes Ma'am." Willow responds. She comes over to me, squeezing me tightly before running up the stairs to go play. Oakley reaches out to me, but I leave her in her highchair, and talk to her instead. Meredith puts the cut apples on a plate for her own snack since Willow is not interested and hands Oakley an applesauce baby food pouch from the fridge. Oakley looks at it for a second, but then brings it to her mouth, expertly sucking out the applesauce. I watch her for a moment, amazed she isn't even making a mess. I guess she doesn't mind a second snack.
"I'm going to go lay down." I say when Oakley keeps reaching for me.
"Are you okay?" Meredith asks, instantly concerned.
"Yes. I'm just really tired all of a sudden. I'm fine. Enjoy your time with the girls."
"You still have fifteen minutes left on your bag, and then an hour of supervision." She reminds me. "You promised me that you'd follow the doctors orders." She sits down next to me and I'm so frustrated. I just want to leave. I just need to be alone for a little while. I need to think.
"I'm not going to throw up Meredith, I'm just tired."
"At least wait until your bag finishes. It has your meds in it." She says, looking at me doubtfully.
"Fine." I compromise.
"Mama!" Oakley screams reaching her arms for me to let her out of the highchair.
"Addison." I correct her. I point to her. "You're Oakley." I point to myself "I'm Addison."
"No Adya! Mama!" She screeches again. I didn't even know that babies her age could string this many words together. Maybe she's some kind of genius and I'm missing out on my chance to parent the next Einstein.
"I'm Addison." I repeat. She looks so confused.
"No. Mama!" I sigh and pick her up out of the highchair. I wash her hands and her face before putting her down onto the ground with her kitchen toys. She bangs the pot with the wooden spoon, making music and entertaining herself, which works out perfectly for me.
"Well, that went over perfectly." Meredith says, with a little laugh, mocking me.
"I didn't realize how well she can argue."
"Clearly she's doubly predisposed. She has your genetics and Willow for her best friend."
"She really is something."
"She sure is."
Meredith keeps me for thirty minutes after the beeper goes off alerting that the tube feeding had finished, and I had disconnected it and flushed the tube. I am literally falling asleep at the table to the sound of Oakley's music when she finally takes pity on me and lets me go. I walk up the stairs. My intention is to sneak past Heavenly's bedroom where I know Willow will be playing without her seeing me. I want to lay down for a little while in my bedroom. I just feel strange.
"Aunt Addison!" Willow calls the moment I get to the top of the stairs.
"Hi Willow." I say, trying to keep my tone light. "How did you know it was me?" I ask, walking into Heavenly's bedroom. I cringe when I realize I just called it Heavenly's bedroom. I need to stop calling it that. It has been over a year since she died. It's not her room anymore, she's not here.
"Hm." She says, thinking, and then "Heavenly told me."
"Oh, did she?" I ask, wondering if I really want to do this right now. It still hurts to talk about her.
"Where are you going?" She asks me, and for a moment I think she will drop the Heavenly issue.
"I was going to my bedroom. I want to lay down for a little while. I'm so tired today." She considers this for a minute, building with the blocks on the floor.
"I wish you would stay with me instead." She says finally. "Heavenly misses you."
"I miss her too." I say, sitting down on the bed, watching Willow play. "Willow, you know that Heavenly's gone right? She's not here anymore. I think your Mommy wants to spend time with you today. She's been here helping me so much and she really misses you. I think it would be nice if you have a movie date with your Mommy and Oakley in the theater."
"Sometimes she's gone." Willow frowns up at me. She places a block and accidentally knocks down her entire creation. She looked on the verge of tears and murmured "Oh non, je l'ai ruiné." (Oh no, I ruined it.). She bites her lip and looks like she's unsure how to phrase what she is trying to say. She looks over to a spot in the corner of the room, and then nods before continuing. "Other times she's here. She says she's waiting." She begins rebuilding the tower of blocks.
"What is she waiting for?" I ask, intrigued despite myself.
"I don't know. She didn't say, just she's waiting."
"Okay, well I want you to go downstairs with your Mommy and Oakley now."
"Am I in trouble?" She asks, looking at me concerned.
"No baby, I'm just really tired. I want to have a nap. You're not interested in a nap, are you?" I ask her, and she shakes her head hard, laughing.
"I'm five. I'm a big kid not a baby. I'm way too old for naps." She declares and then realizes that she has just called nap takers babies, when I said I was going to take a nap. "I didn't mean that you're a baby though." She clarifies. Sometimes grown up's need naps I guess."
"You can take some toys downstairs if you'd like to." I say, with a little smile.
"Hmm" She says, selecting up the barbies. She carefully puts the hot pink convertible in one of the holes in the dream house, and the barbies in the other. She tilts it backwards and adds the accessories, making sure that nothing will fall out.
"Do you need help?" I offer.
"No. It's not that heavy." She carefully picks the lot up, balances it on her head supporting it with one hand. When she is satisfied that it won't fall, she turns, and carefully makes her way out the door and to the stairway holding onto the railing with her other hand to prevent falling.
"Please be careful." I call after her.
"I'm always careful. I'm not a baby." She responds, annoyed.
"Fine." She takes one step down the stairs and then turns back.
"Aunt Addison?" She asks me.
"Yes?"
"S'il vous plaît, ne me mentez pas." (Please don't lie to me.)
"What do you mean?" I ask carefully. Not pointing out that she asked me not to lie in French, and not English. I wonder if she even realized. In their home they speak both routinely.
"You can lie to my Mommy; she can't see the truth. I know the truth because I have Heavenly. You weren't really coming upstairs to sleep, were you?" She asks, and without waiting for a response she turns and continues down the stairs.
"Mommy lets go watch a movie!" I hear her calling. "Aunt Addison said we can play in the theater while she sleeps. She has a real popcorn machine, just like in the real cinemas! She keeps the popcorn supplies in the cabinet above the stove."
I stand at the top of the stairs for a few minutes, just looking at the empty space at the bottom. I am so confused as to what just happened. I finally decide that I am going insane. That's the most reasonable explanation for everything that's happened. I'm going insane and it's fine. Everything is going to be fine. Willow is just still dealing with the loss of her friend. She's going to be fine. She can't possibly know what I was coming upstairs to do. She couldn't, could she? If she did know my true intentions, she would have gotten her mom, not ran off to a movie date. This is proof that she doesn't know exactly what's going on around here.
I go to the bathroom and take out one of the bottles of sleeping pills the doctor gave me to help with the night terrors after Heavenly's death. I don't take them. I normally just hide them, so Meredith thinks I'm taking them and keeps getting them refilled. I have quite the stockpile in the hidden place. They weren't found when the house was ransacked looking for drugs and alcohol.
I carefully take two pills, the prescribed dose out of the bottle and just this once I swallow them down with a mouthful of sink water. My plan isn't very good, I will have to work on it more. I just need more time and less children in the house. On the off chance that Willow is telling the truth I don't want her to alert Meredith and be interrupted. I have to know, but the plan needs more time now. For now, I'll sleep. The sleeping meds work quickly as I'm not used to them. I lay down on my bed fully clothed and without even getting under the blankets fall into a dreamless slumber.
"Addison?" Meredith asks, coming into my bedroom and sitting on the bed. She gently shakes me awake. "Addison?"
"Humph?" I ask, looking up. She is frowning down at me, a worried look on her face.
"You're really not feeling well, are you?" She asks me.
"No." I agree.
"I'm sorry to wake you, but it's eight pm. I waited as long as I could to wake you but…"
"We have to stick to a strict schedule." I murmur, finishing her sentence miserably. I drag myself out of bed and slip on my flipflops. I try to appear cooperative.
"Yeah." She agrees. "As soon as you're done you can go back to sleep." I follow her downstairs and to the kitchen like a small obedient child. She gives me the okay to prepare the feed, and this surprises me. Has she decided to trust me more? I mix the formula in the proper proportions and put my pre grinded nighttime meds in, and everything else before attaching the hose and starting the machine. She watches me do every single step, and nods in agreement and sits down at the table with me, when she is satisfied that everything is okay. I am tired of her watching me, but since Willow dropped the bomb about me vomiting, I doubt Meredith with relinquish control anytime soon. I should just kick her out. She could go back to her perfect life, and I could be miserable in peace.
"Are the girls back at home?" I ask.
"Derek picked them up about six."
"Did Willow say anything strange to you?" I ask cautiously.
"Stranger than normal?"
"Uh huh."
"No, why?"
"When I went upstairs something weird happened. It was like she read my mind." I turn up the speed of the pump slightly. I will feel sick and have debilitating cramps all night, but I want this over as soon as possible. Meredith doesn't say anything, just watches me and then frowns, remembering something.
"She did say something really odd a few weeks ago." She finally admits. "I forgot about it until now. It didn't make any sense. I thought she was just attention seeking."
"Oh? What did she say?" I ask, my heart racing.
"I don't think I should…"
"Tell me." I demand.
"She told me that Heavenly said that you were going to attempt suicide after the adoption paperwork was signed."
"I…" I am at a loss for words. There is no way she could have known that was the plan.
"I'm sorry Addison. She's been all over the place lately. I just thought she was making things up again. Derek and I hadn't even begun discussing adoption yet, and we certainly haven't had that conversation with Willow yet. We don't want to get her hopes up incase things work out for Oakley here."
"So this is why you've been more obsessive than normal about hovering over me?" I ask her.
"The doctor said we have to maintain a strict…"
"I don't give a fuck what the doctor said." I say, running my hands through my hair in anger. So many things running through my mind at once. "I care what your five-year-old is saying." I am so upset that I am trembling. "I have never spoke to her like that. She has to be getting these ideas from somewhere."
"I know you haven't Addison. She's just a little girl. She doesn't know what she's saying."
"I need you to go home. She clearly needs you. I'll be fine. You're right, this is probably just some sort of cry for attention from her. I'll be fine. I'm just going to go back to bed anyway."
"You seriously think I'm leaving right now?"
"Willow needs you. You can't live your life in constant fear that I'm going to end mine."
"So, you weren't planning to kill yourself as soon as Oakley's safety is assured?"
"I couldn't have been planning anything." I assure her. "I didn't even know you wanted to adopt Oakley until a few hours ago, and you said she told you about that several weeks ago."
"I'm sorry Addison, you're right, this is just all starting to scare me." Meredith confesses.
"I think you should get her into therapy."
"She's been in therapy weekly since the shooting." Meredith begins rocking back and forth slowly, her eyes going blank she finally says. "It's so bad that they're suggesting we have her institutionalized and start her on anti-psychotic medications."
"She's five!" I say, horrified.
"She's, my child. I know how old she is."
"I just meant she's so young. You've been worried about keeping me from getting committed. You should be worried about keeping your daughter from getting committed. She's not crazy Meredith."
"I didn't say she was." She admits. "It's just been so hard; she talks about Heavenly all the time."
"Maybe when the adoption is finalized things will get better." I say, gently. "At least she won't have to worry about Oakley being taken from her too."
"You're saying yes?" Meredith asks cautiously.
"I don't want you to get too excited." I tell her. "You still have to get Mark onboard. I have always wanted what's best for Oakley. That hasn't changed."
"This is too easy." She says. "What aren't you telling me? How am I going to get Mark on board?"
"I don't know. We'll have to figure that out."
"He's your husband."
"Not for long."
"What do you mean?" She asks. "Since when?"
"The divorce papers are being served this week. As soon as the divorce is finalized the medical power of attorney, he has over me will also be relinquished. My attorney is confident that I am mentally capable of making my own medical decisions, so he filed the forms for me. I specifically asked that Oakley remain in your custody, with the current custody agreement in place that allows Mark and I visitation. In the event that Mark agrees to the adoption we would obviously have to amend that document."
"How did you do all of this without me knowing?"
"I have unrestricted email, telephone, and fax access. It's really all I needed."
"I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Mark. I really hoped that you would be able to work things out." She says companionably.
"I'm not." I respond quietly. "Everything's fine, please go home to the girls. If you're worried you can take the baby monitor, or facetime me the entire night long. Willow needs her mom."
"She does." Meredith agrees sadly. "She really does."
Authors Note:
Thank you, tons, to everyone who is sticking around for In My Blood! Please review and tell me what you think. Comments, Questions, Concerns are always welcome. Do you think that Mark will agree to the adoption, or do you think Mark will fight Meredith and Derek for custody? I think it's nice that Addison knows where Oakley is safest and wants her there. She just wants Oakley safe and loved. 3 More Mark in the next chapter! I had to break this chapter into two.