In My Blood
Chapter 25
Addison Montgomery's Point of View
I sit in the window seat watching the stillness of the night. I pick up my cell phone and dial his number before I can convince myself not to. It surprises me when it rings through and goes to voicemail. He must have unblocked my phone number. My heart aches. I don't want him to answer, and I do all at the same time. Meredith says he's been working nights to avoid them. He should be getting off work right about now. It's two am. It took a lot of work, but Derek had the day off today, and I convinced Meredith to take the day off to spend it with him and the girls. It's nice to be alone again in this huge house. It's been a long time. I don't know what made her agree, but I am thankful that she did, and with only minimal monitoring. Nothing is without compromise though. She still came over briefly to make sure that I did my meds and tube feeding properly. She called once every couple of hours to make sure that I was still alright. Still. I don't know what to do with all of this new found freedom. I settled on binge watching the Law-and-Order SVU marathon that was on. Such an exciting life I lead. She and Derek planned a wonderful day for the girls. They went to central park, and then in the evening they went out to dinner, and a movie. Something moves outside the window startling me. He looks p to the window, and sees me, comes up the stairs to the brownstone, and knocks. Mark. No wonder he didn't answer my call. He was already on his way here.
"Mark." I say, opening the door slightly and looking out. He looks different, older. He has grown facial hair out more. It's not as neatly groomed, and he's gained weight.
"I didn't want to come here." He admits. "I don't know why I'm here." The law-and-order svu theme song is playing in the background. I had forgotten to turn off the television when I came to the window seat. I open the door fully, and he follows me inside. I turn off the TV.
"Where's Meredith?" He asks.
"She's sleeping. It's two in the morning." I remind him, coming up with the lie that seemed the most realistic. I know he wouldn't go upstairs and check. I don't want him to know that I am alone tonight. He made her promise she wouldn't leave me alone.
"You look like you're doing well." He says. He gently places his hand on my face. I move away from him. So many emotions are swirling around inside of me. I am so conflicted at what to think.
"Why are you here Mark? Why are you here tonight after avoiding me all of this time?"
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." He says gently. "Addison I'm sorry. I didn't know it would hurt so much."
"What are you talking about?" We sit down on the couch in the Livingroom. He is careful not to touch me again though. I guess he got the message when I moved away from him earlier.
"She looks just like her sister." His voice is quiet, but I can hear it breaking. "Everytime, I see her I see Heavenly." This isn't what I expected. "I'm sorry to do this to you… I just can't. I don't have anyone else to talk about this with. I'm so sorry for the way I treated you, for how blinded I was by my own grief to acknowledge that you're in pain too."
"Where do we go from here?" I ask him.
"I signed the divorce papers and filed them. I made sure that the medical power of attorney was ceased. Your lawyers right. You are capable of making your own decisions. You're an adult. I shouldn't have tried controlling you like that. It wasn't my place."
"Thank you."
"I also signed the adoption paperwork." He says, and this is a surprise to me.
"You did?" A mixture of shock, and relief. This won't be a long custody battle drawn out in court, with the adults fighting, and Oakley stuck in the middle. I am thankful for that.
"She doesn't know me. Derek brought Oakley and Willow to work the other day for 'Bring Your Child To Work Day' and he let me hold her. She kept reaching for him and crying for him. She calls him 'Dada'. I want to find a way to be in her life, but I don't want to take her away from the only stable home she's ever known. It just needs your signature."
"I'm so sorry. I know you were hoping this would work out." I say. His actions speak louder than his words, if he truly wanted to work things out, he would have, but I choose kindness. He looks at his phone distracted though, texting something back hurriedly. I take this opportunity to text Meredith, because I know if I don't, she will call. I just want her to sleep through the night, but I know she won't if she's not here. She has too much anxiety surrounding my situation. She told me when she checked in at ten to expect a call at midnight, two, and again at four, and she'd be back as soon as the Nanny is in at six. I told her that this is ridiculous, but she told me if that wasn't acceptable, she'd just come back once the kids are asleep. She needs to spend time with Derek and if this is the only way, well I'm used to sleepless nights. He hands me the manilla envelope with the paperwork in it.
"This is everything she needs. Please give it to Meredith for me in the morning. The adoption paperwork is just missing your signature."
"Are we doing dirty by her?"
"What?"
"You're having another baby in a few months, won't she wonder why when she grows up?" My situation with Oakley is tainted enough. Nevermind her Daddy having another baby so shortly after she was born and choosing the other child over her. This is a whole mess I never wanted for her.
"I'm sure she'll have questions, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there." His phone buzzes again. He looks down at it annoyed, texting back again. This time I catch a glimpse of his phone. It's a picture of Trixie in a hospital bed, and a picture of an ultrasound image.
"Somewhere you need to be?" I ask him.
"Um…" He looks uncomfortable. He glances down at his feet. He had stood back up and is shifting from one to the other. "Yeah. I'm supposed to be going to get cleaned up and then back to the hospital." He looks like he is deciding on telling me the truth or lying. "The pregnancy isn't going well. She's had complications this whole time."
"Anything I can do?" I ask without thinking. I don't even have a job there anymore since I quit after Heavenly's death. There is nothing really that I could do to help her situation. I am confused why my automatic response is kindness when it should be envy or despise. I think back to how frightening it was to be in the hospital without him when Oakley was born. Thinking I was going to die, knowing how angry we were at each other. Maybe my anger with him has dissipated over time. That can't be the truth though. I still feel it there. Simmering just below the surface, waiting to erupt.
"Probably not." He confesses, defeated. "You're not even practicing medicine anymore."
"No, but that doesn't mean all of my years of experience in the field have been erased." I say. "If you need to run things by me, or talk things through you know where I am." I offer, deciding to just leave things at that.
"I appreciate that." He says, and when his phone starts ringing, he answers it, has a quick conversation with her. I can hear her crying in the background. "I have to go." He says with a sigh. "Thank you for the chat." He looks as depressed as I feel. "They've stopped the contractions, but she'll be on hospital bedrest until the baby comes." He says, at my questioning look.
"That's good." I say. I don't even know how far along she is; I try to do the mental math gymnastics in my head, but it makes my head ache. It feels like an eternity ago that they told me she was expecting, and things hadn't been the easiest for me since then. I've had too much going on in my own life to remember all the details of the drama he has gotten himself in. "You should go. She sounded afraid. She's going to need you there to help her through this."
"You're right." He says, giving me a long-lasting look before I get up, and walk him to the door.
"Addison?" He says, catching me just before I close the door all the way.
"Yeah?"
"I really am… sorry."
"Aunt Addison WAKE UP!" I wake with a start and check my phone. I had ten missed calls from Meredith. I am sure that she's fuming. I look at the time. Four AM. Willow bounces on my bed screaming "Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!" I groan and open my eyes again, watching her dark hair flying up and down with each bounce. She looks so much like Derek it's unreal.
"What's wrong? What happened?" I ask, I know Meredith won't be happy that I didn't check in, but if it had to do with that she would have come. She wouldn't have sent Willow up first. I thought this choice of words would be gentler than 'What the hell are you doing in my bedroom at 4am? Child go away.' That I was thinking. I had just gotten back to bed around an hour beforehand. "Where is your Mommy?"
"Shh! You can't tell her I'm in here." Willow protests, entirely too loudly for someone who is trying to stay hidden. "I finally ditched her. It took hours Aunt Addison!" She does a final dramatic jump and flops down on the bed beside me.
"You're the one whose shouting. I was asleep." I remind her, feeling more annoyed than I should at the situation. "I'm not sure why your Mommy keeps bringing you over here. I am clearly a horrible influence on you and am detrimental to your success as a human being." I shouldn't have said it. It's too mean, but I said what I said, and I stick behind it. I pull the pillow over my head, and to no one's surprise she pulls it right off. "Willow what has gotten into you today?" I demand.
"Heavenly's not happy."
"Who could be happy at this hour?" I ask her. "Can we not? It's four in the morning Willow. If you're going to stay in here, I need you to lay down and be still." I thought I was alright with letting her talk about Heavenly. I am okay with it. It is her way of coping, but her imagination is taking over. I am just too tired to cope right now. I can't this early in the morning. I can't before I've had time to mentally prepare myself and raise my protective defenses around me. I can hear Meredith downstairs soothing a crying Oakley. I take my phone from the nightstand and text her that Willow is with me, so she doesn't realize that she is gone and panic.
"So why are you avoiding your mom?" I ask, trying to distract her.
"I asked you not to tell her." She fumes, her bottom lip trembling.
"She sounds pretty busy right now. I bet she's just happy that you're out of the way for the moment. What's wrong with Oakley?" I ask her. I feel guilty. I should go downstairs and figure out why they're here so early. I should do something to soothe that crying baby. I can't though. Everytime, she screams like this I flash back to the day I gave her away. Those same feelings of anxiety, depression, and desperation overwhelm me. I take a deep breath, trying to clear my thoughts. "What happened?"
"I don't know about Oakley. She's been crying all night." Willow says dramatically putting her hands to her ears and pressing hard.
"I meant with you and your Mommy."
"Oh." She says. "Promise you won't be mad?" She asks, cautiously.
"Should I be mad?" I ask, suddenly wondering if I want to know after all.
"Mommy's already mad enough for everyone. She called Daddy and everything."
"Okay, fine." I agree. She dissolves into giggles before speaking up again.
"I poured five bottles of food coloring into our nanny's shampoo, and now all of her hair is PURPLE!" Willow says, laughing so hard she gasps to catch her breath. I stay very still and silent. Slightly horrified, but at the same time not knowing if laughing or crying would be the better response. What is the appropriate thing to do in a situation such as this? Her Nanny has very expensive, very platinum blonde hair. It's so blonde that it's almost white.
"Why would you do something like that?" I ask her, calmly. It's not really like Willow to be cruel or to play mean tricks on people.
"I am in trouble, but I get to spend the entire weekend with you and Mommy now, so it was worth it. Daddy has a forty-eight-hour shift and Mommy sent our Nanny to…" She stops and thinks for a moment. "To Beverley Hills. She sent her to a fancy hotel, a shopping spree, and a celebrity makeover when she threatened to quit. We just got back from the airport."
"You're not getting along with your Nanny?" I ask her.
"She is a complete tool. Oakley and I really despise her. She makes us do so much math, and she speaks to us in French most of the time because my mother pays her extra for language immersion. Je n'aime même pas français. L'anglais est plus facile. (I don't even like French. English is easier.)"
"Yet you just responded in French." I point out.
"If I don't respond in French or try to respond in French, she ignores me until I do. Can you be my Nanny again?" She asks hopefully, snuggling close. "I promise I won't play mean pranks on you."
"As tempting as that is you have a Nanny and I'm sure that she loves you very much, despite your little prank. Did you apologize?"
"Yes, in English, and French." She responds miserably. "I am not sorry though. My Mommy made me."
"Well at least you apologized. That's a start."
"She really is awful though! It's not fair. She gets a weekend in a fancy hotel doing fancy grown up things, and I don't get to watch TV or play video games all weekend. She gets rewarded for being cruel and I get punished." Willow protests.
"Well honey…" I say, trying to be gentle. "Sometimes life isn't fair especially when you're little. It's been a hard year, hasn't it?" I ask her, and she nods.
"Yeah."
"What can we do to make it better?" I ask her. Painfully aware that I am snuggled up to Meredith's five year old daughter and not my own. "I think we're all having a hard time. You're not alone in that." She stays silent for a longtime while she is thinking. She rests her head on my shoulder and I think maybe she's fallen back asleep when she perks up again.
"Aunt Addison?"
"Yes?"
"I don't know how to tell what the secrets are."
"What do you mean?"
"Sometimes Willow tells me things, and I can't sort out what I am not supposed to repeat. I always end up getting someone into trouble." She says and I know that that 'someone' she is talking about is me. I consider this for a moment. The pills, the purging, the adoption.
"Try not to worry about that." I finally say, trying to keep my voice soothing. "I don't want you to ever feel like you have to keep a secret from your parents, or from me. No more secrets. Things will work themselves out." She looks like she wants to say something else, but decides against it, and instead rests her head against me, eyes fluttering and finally falls back asleep.
LATER THAT AFTERNOON
"I hate this." I mutter under my breath as I set up the supplemental nutritional bag and meds. I push the button to start the flow of the nutritional supplement and sit down at the table, resting my head in my hands. Meredith and I had fed the girls lunch, and thankfully they both went down for naps without much protest. She wouldn't let me sleep through as the schedule has to be maintained.
"Are you ready to do things normally?" She asks me. "You look like you're feeling so much better since you've had your NG tube back in." She observes.
"That is merely a coincidence." I say. I feel so tired after not being able to fall asleep when Willow did this morning and being up most of the night. I feel as cranky as Oakley has been today.
"Addison… you really need to give yourself more credit."
"I'm fine. Did you talk to Mark? He came by early this morning."
"Yeah." She says, but she just looks angry. She shrugs, distracting herself with her lunch. "He mentioned that he came by, apparently I was 'sleeping'."
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask her.
"It'll just make you angry."
"How could it possibly make me angry? The divorce is filed. I'm not angry." I put down my coffee cup a little too hard. It bangs on the table. She raises her eyebrows at me. The judge granted us the divorce, and now it's just the mandatory ninety day waiting game. I'm sad, but I'm not angry. What's done is done.
"Uh huh." She says, disbelievingly.
"Just tell me."
"He said yes."
"I know. He told me last night."
"He signed the paperwork in front of me. He said, get Addison on board and she's yours. He mentioned he wanted to be the one to give you the paperwork." She looks like she wants to say so much more, but she doesn't. Instead, she busies herself checking my machine. Double and triple checking that I'm not trying to get away with anything sneaky.
"That's all he said?" I ask her. "He didn't even fight for her?" His words were so gentle when it came to talking about Oakley last night. He just wants to give her the best chance at life. An uncomfortable feeling comes over me then. Did Derek take Oakley to work that day to make Mark realize how much she doesn't' know him? To guilt him into giving her away. I decide it doesn't matter. It is for the best, regardless of how we got here. I didn't fight for her either. Not like I should have. I've confused her more than anything.
"He has a lot going on right now." She says, simply. "The baby's having complications, Trixie's been in and out of the hospital, they want to get married before the baby's born. You're sick and wanting to give Oakley up for adoption. I think he's overwhelmed."
"It's settled then." I say, not mentioning anything about Mark and his baby Momma Drama. I should, but I realize that I don't care enough to talk negatively about him.
"I'm not taking your choice away Addison." She says. "I'm not asking you to do anything right now. You're upset."
"I'm fine."
"You look like you're crawling out of your skin."
"She's crying again." I say, handing Meredith the baby monitor that had accidentally been muted.
"She misses you."
"She doesn't know me anymore than she knows Mark." I say, gesturing to the machine in a do something, I clearly can't sort of way. Meredith gets annoyed if I try to break up the feeding cycles. The doctor said that they have to be given all in one go. Meredith sighs, and says she'll go get her. Within a few minutes they are both downstairs, and she is handing me the fussy, snotty baby.
"No… No Meredith what you are doing?" I protest panicking.
"Just a minute Addison." Meredith says. She plops Oakley down on my lap. She gets Oakley's sippy cup down and her toddler formula. Oakley and I look at each other awkwardly, and then she continues wailing. It's been a while since I've just held her. I've been going out of my way to avoid her, and she is getting old enough to know now that I am not a constant in her life.
"Hi Oakley." I say, bouncing her a little, trying to get her to stop crying. "What are you doing today? Did you have a good sleep?" She calms a little bit now that I am talking to her. I sit her on the table infront of me and tempt her into a game of patty cake. Anything to get her to stop screaming.
"Mama." She says, miserably. She holds her arms out for me to take her back into mine. I hold her, and she snuggles close to me. Surprising us both when she silences completely.
"She feels warm Meredith."
"She's finally cutting more teethies." Meredith says proudly. She shakes up the contents of the cup and goes to take Oakley back from me.
"It's fine I have her for now." Meredith watches approvingly and hands her the cup. "This doesn't change anything. I just don't want to listen to her screaming is all."
"You don't have to justify spending time with your daughter Addison."
"She's not mine. Not really." I say, shaking my head hard as I look down at the beautiful little girl in my arms. I wonder how things went so wrong so fast. It was like a tornado ripped through me when Heavenly died. Her death tore our lives into shreds and left only broken remains. Somehow through all of this Oakley survived unscathed.
"It doesn't have to be this way."
"I can't trust myself with her. If I hurt her, or if she somehow otherwise ends up damaged because of me? I don't have a very good track record with children. My children end up dead."
"You need to be kind to yourself. Their deaths were not your fault."
"I'm guilty by association."
"Whatever. We're not going to agree on this." Meredith says, visibly shivering at the coldness in my tone. "You're getting better though. Everyday you're getting stronger. I don't care how long it takes, but I'm not letting you sign that paperwork today. You're not ready to make that decision yet."
"Who are you to say what I am and am not ready for?" I demand heatedly. Oakley senses the difference in my tone and starts crying again. "Shh shh shh it's okay Oakley. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." She looks up at me wearily, but hushes all the same, bringing her cup to her mouth and drinking again.
"I just meant that you need a minute." She says. "You just went through a divorce. You're still grieving."
"I know what I want to do now. What if giving it time makes me change my mind?" I ask her.
"If you change your mind, we continue doing things the way we have been until reunification can take place."
"She must be so confused."
"She has two families who love her unconditionally. I don't see the bad in that. You're forgetting, Addison, to her this is normal. Things have been this way her entire life."
"So, what do I do?"
"What are you comfortable with doing? What will help you? That's what I want to do."
"I don't know." I admit. "I have to force myself to be around her more. It has to be all or nothing. I don't know how to do something that's in-between. It's too confusing and hurts too much. I have to work through the fear, and I have to make a choice that will benefit Oakley in the long run. I can't think selfishly, and you can't take her from me, or allow me to distance myself from her when I screw up." I look down at Oakley now cuddled against me, asleep. Almost the exact position she used to lay in as a newborn. "I can't." I say, looking up at Meredith helplessly. "I can't choose. I don't know what's best. I don't know what will cause her the least amount of harm. My instincts say the best thing would be for you and Derek to adopt her, but what happens if I feel differently in five years or in ten?"
"So, don't choose. "Meredith says again, gently. "Addison you know what you want to do. In your heart you know. I know you well enough to know that you know what you want. You just have to trust yourself enough to realize it. When the day comes the answer will be clear. It always is." She pauses. "It just is."
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading Chapter 25 of In My Blood! I love Willow so much. Omgosh. This has been in my head for a while now. I added the beginning scene with Mark and Addison for the rewrite. Please review. : )