Disclaimer: Not mine. Not mine. Not mine. (drat)

Chapter Thirty-Four

Aithne collapsed on the floor of the main room of the Ebon Hawk, sobbing and trembling. Bastila's screams echoed in her head across their bond, and Aithne felt shadows of the torture her friend was going through even as Carth ran by to the cockpit.

"Canderous! Zaalbar!" he barked. "To the turrets!"

"Aithne usually…" Mission began.

"She's not up to it," Carth cried. "Move! Malak's back there!"

Zaalbar and Canderous left to man the turrets and Aithne curled up into herself, shaking violently. The engine roared to life beneath her.

Bastila! Revan! Bastila! Revan! The two thoughts played on in an endless, maddening loop as Carth wove through the fighters surrounding the Leviathan, fighting for clear space. The blasting turrets sent shivers through the ship as Canderous and Zaalbar fired again and again. Aithne closed her eyes, trying to block out the galaxy. She felt Bastila being dragged away. Bastila was in pain- so much pain, and she knew it would only get worse for her. Aithne felt Bastila's humiliation, fear, and hopeless fury; she heard the Jedi Code playing over and over again in the younger woman's mind.

Aithne had to rescue her. Malak would take Bastila to the Star Forge, Aithne knew. To the very heart of his invasion. In order to save Bastila, she and the others would have to find it. But as Aithne reeled, she realized that she'd be useless with so much pain flooding over the bond she had with Bastila.

Feeling like a traitor, Aithne bricked up the wall between her mind and Bastila's, effectively shutting out Bastila's mental cries. She was left alone inside her head. But now that she was Revan, that was bad enough.

Aithne sat up slowly, hugging her knees to her chest, though the tears were still cutting valleys down her dirty, bloody face. The worst part, she decided, was not knowing. Revan had done amazing things. She had done amazing things. Revan…she had done terrible things. She knew that she'd sacrificed worlds with ruthless calculation, and that when she was a Jedi, the hero of the Mandalorian wars. She supposed she'd tortured people, too, maybe killed them without mercy. Aithne laughed hysterically. She had nearly taken over the galaxy.

But she had no memory of it whatsoever. None. Instead, she had nearly twenty-nine years of outright fabrication floating around in her head. Whatever glories and horrors she had actually lived remained a mystery, as well as the reasoning behind them. And how was she to fight the Dark Side now? She'd felt it calling her as Aithne, struggled and sometimes slipped. As Revan, she knew she had caved once. She had gone as far into the Dark as it is possible to go. Mightn't she do it again?

She felt the ship lurch as Carth made the jump to hyperspace. Aithne looked around for the first time since her escape. Mission was staring at her with wide eyes from a seat across from her. Jolee sat at the table directly behind her. His jaw was tight. Juhani was sitting in the doorway, waiting. Canderous and Zaalbar came into the common room, then, followed shortly by Carth. Canderous paused briefly when he saw Aithne still on the floor, and his eyes darted around the room then. Aithne knew he was looking for Bastila.

Jolee said it, though. "Where is Bastila?" he asked Carth. "What happened on that ship?"

"We ran into Malak," Carth said. "He would have killed us, but Bastila sacrificed herself so we could get away."

Aithne felt Bastila's mind straining behind the mental wall she'd built, and she swallowed hard to keep from sobbing again.

Mission gasped. "You mean she's…she's dead?" she asked. Her voice was breathless. She looked about ready to start panicking.

Jolee shook his head. "Bah," he said, in quite his normal tone. Despite the fix they were in, it was reassuring to hear his gruffness. "Don't be foolish," he told Mission. "Malak won't kill her. He'll want to use her Battle Meditation against the Republic. Turn her to the Dark Side, and the Sith will always be victorious."

Aithne's heart sank. That's exactly what Malak was doing, she realized. She imagined Bastila, stubborn, goody-two shoes, holier-than-thou Bastila in a dark robe with a red lightsaber, talking of using her strength against the weak rather than to protect them.

"He'll have her on the Star Forge," she said. Her voice was thick and shaky. "We have to find it before we can help her."

"Not so fast," Carth snapped. "We've got a bigger issue to deal with here. They deserve to know the truth about you. Do you want to tell them, or should I?"

He was looking at her like she was a snake on a rock! The cold stare punched a hole in the heart that had already fallen into Aithne's stomach. "Carth," she begged, "Please."

He just kept staring at her. Jolee leaned over though and gripped her shoulder, though. Aithne took a deep breath. "Fine. I don't suppose there's any point in hiding it." She looked up at the crew around her, swallowing to get the explanation out. "You all know that Bastila's famous for confronting Revan. The Jedi have kept it secret, though, what actually happened then." Aithne let out a harsh laugh. "Revan was captured, not killed, after Malak fired on the ship Bastila had invaded. Revan was injured, so badly that her mind was pretty much shattered. The Jedi took her. Then they basically reprogrammed her identity until she was someone else, someone they could manipulate to get the information they needed, the information only Revan knew." She took another deep breath. "They reprogrammed her until she was me." Aithne shrugged helplessly. "Hello, crew of the Ebon Hawk, I'm Revan, ex-Lord of the Sith. Surprised? Yeah. I had no idea either. Not a damn clue." She broke off into a whisper, and her voice cracked.

Mission took a step back, shock on her face. "R-revan?" she stuttered. "What…what are you talking about? Is this some kind of a joke?"

"Yeah. I wish!"

Carth shook his head grimly, still staring at Aithne. "It's no joke," he said. "The Jedi Council captured Revan and erased the Dark Lord's mind, programming in her. Saul Karath told me on the Leviathan, and Bastila confirmed it."

Mission looked at Aithne, fear and incredulity mixed on her face. "You're Darth Revan?" she asked. "This is…this is big. Do you…do you remember anything about being the Dark Lord?"

Aithne rose briefly to sit beside Jolee at the table. It made her feel a little less small and stupid. "Not really," she answered Mission. "I have weird dreams, snatches of memories. But for the most part I don't even know. I don't know!" she repeated to herself, staring at her hands.

"Just a few flashes?" Mission asked. "That's it? Nothing more?"

Aithne nodded.

"Then I don't think there's a problem," Mission said. "It seems to me that if you don't really remember anything about being Revan, then it doesn't really matter anymore. You are who you are now, right?"

Aithne looked up. Mission was smiling encouragingly at her. Aithne was incredulous, and just as she started to feel a little relieved, Carth jumped in, furious.

"Of course it still matters!" he cried. "How do we know more memories won't come flooding back? How do we know Revan won't suddenly turn on us?" Aithne flinched at the name Revan, and at how he wasn't even addressing her. "The whole time we've been chasing after Malak," he continued venomously, "We've had his old Sith Master right at our side, listening to our secrets; hearing our plans!"

Aithne sprang up. "Like it was deliberate?" she demanded. "Like I knew? Carth, those were my plans! I haven't been spying on you, I've been heading up this operation! Everything I knew I shared with all of you. And don't call me Revan! I'm not her! Not anymore!" Her chest was heaving and her eyes stung again.

Mission stood and walked over to Aithne. She grabbed Aithne's hands and looked her straight on. "I don't see a Sith Lord standing here," she said gently. "Aithne? I see you. I see a friend who's been with us through thick and thin! Malak's the one who destroyed Taris. You're the one that saved me from the wreck and held me after."

Zaalbar lumbered over to stand next to Mission. /I agree with Mission,/ he growled lowly. /I swore a lifedebt to the person you are, not the person you were./

"Big Z and I will stick by you," Mission declared. "We owe you our lives;" with a toss of her lekku she looked back at Carth and said pointedly, "We won't desert you now."

"Mish…" Aithne began, but Carth interrupted her.

"How can you say that, Mission?" he demanded. "The Sith bombed my home world! Revan took away my family and destroyed my life!"

"Oh, of course!" Aithne cried. "Because Karath's dead, but you're still angry. Want revenge on me, too, flyboy?" She shuddered suddenly. "I…I won't stop you." Her insides burned. Had she destroyed Carth's life? How many lives had she destroyed? How many were there like him, thanks to her?

"Everyone knows it was Malak who gave the order to attack Telos, Carth," Canderous said unexpectedly. "You can't blame Revan for that."

Aithne hadn't known that, actually. She almost fell to her knees with relief.

Carth floundered. "I…I suppose you've proven yourself to be a friend to the Republic by your actions so far," he told her, addressing her for the first time. But his eyes were cold, and when he tacked on her name, Aithne was sure he did it to hurt. "Revan. But can I trust you? Can any of us?"

Aithne closed her eyes a moment. This wasn't back to square one with him. This was back to square negative five. But when she opened her eyes and spoke she managed to keep her voice steady. "I don't know," she said quietly. "Shall we ask them?" She turned to the old Jedi behind her. "Jolee?"

"What about me?" he asked, as if it were unimportant. "I already knew who you were, though it wasn't my place to tell you. Better off that you know, if you ask me. Does it change anything? I'm not here to judge you. You'll do what you have to, and I'll help if I can."

He'd probably guessed all the way back on Kashyyyk, Aithne thought. She felt a bit better to know he was still here, still fighting beside her, and hadn't attacked her yet. "Thank you," she told him. She gripped his hand briefly, then turned to the short little droid she'd stolen from the Exchange. "Teethree?"

The droid rolled over, and bumped against her leg, beeping encouragingly. Aithne didn't know what he said, but she felt a rush of affection for the droid.

"I knew the little guy would come through for you," Mission remarked, with a glare at Carth. "Droids don't hold grudges."

Aithne looked at her new droid speculatively. Aytchkay was eyeing her oddly. "I don't know," she said, hands tightening over her lightsabers. "How about you, Aytchkay?"

"Commentary:" said the droid in a hazy tone quite unlike his usual crisp, annoying dialogue. "I am…experiencing something unusual, master."

"What?" Aithne demanded, suddenly nervous. "What's wrong?"

"Answer: My programming is activating my deleted memory core," the droid replied. "I believe I have a…a homing system that is restoring it, master."

Aithne tensed, unsure what HK-47 meant. "What does your homing system do?" she asked. The entire crew was silent, watching the violent droid expectantly.

"Observation:" observed Aytchkay, "My homing system is a function of my assassination protocols…that which I told you had been deactivated. This system was not. It seems that my homing system deliberately restores my deleted memory core upon…upon returning to my original master."

Aithne was silent for a moment. "Me?" she finally said flatly.

"Affirmation: Correct, master. Sith protocols maintain that all droid knowledge be deleted before assassination missions, and restored upon return. I have returned to you, master, and my full functionality is now under your personal command." He made a jerky bow. "It is a distinct pleasure to see you again, master."

Aithne hesitated, remembering her feeling in Yuka Laka's shop. "Well…" she said finally. "That makes a lot of sense, actually."

HK-47's red eyes gleamed. "Observation: Indeed. I do hope we shall have the chance to engage in combat together again soon, master."

"Wow," Mission said. "What are the chances of that happening?"

Canderous chuckled gruffly. "Remember we're talking about the Force, here," he said. "At this point, Malak himself could drop out of the sky and I wouldn't bat an eyelash."

Mission blinked. "Good point."

Aithne walked over to the Mandalorian. "Canderous?" she asked. "What do you have to say?"

Canderous' eyes burned with an odd sort of passion. "You defeated the Mandalorian clans in the war, Revan," he said, and somehow Aithne didn't mind him using her former name. "You were the only one in the galaxy who could best us. We had never met one like you before, and never since." He clasped her forearm with his in a Mandalorian gesture of kinship. "It has been my honor to follow you, Aithne," he said. "And now I wonder how you can ask if I will continue to do so? Whatever you are fighting, it will be worthy of my skill. I'm your man until the end, no matter how this plays out."

Aithne was speechless for a moment. Canderous released her arm. Eyes stinging, Aithne bowed. "I am honored," she said, voice thick.

She looked for Juhani, but for some reason, the Cathar Jedi Guardian had retreated. Aithne resolved to go speak with her immediately after she finished here.

So she turned to Carth at last, hands on her hips. She tried to pretend she didn't care, like she wasn't dangling by a thread waiting for his reply. "Well? Are you staying?"

Carth shifted uncomfortably, not meeting her gaze. "Well, the others seem to trust you," he observed, "And I don't see any other way that we can stop the Sith…and I suppose that Malak is the real enemy here…" He met her eyes finally, but there was a wall there. "I really don't have any other choice, do I?"

Aithne clenched her fists until she felt her nails bite into her skin. "You always have a choice, Carth," she murmured. But then she broke. "But believe me, please! I don't know Revan. I'm not her, anymore! I'm me! 'Aithne Morrigan' is me, Carth!"

Carth swallowed, and something in his gaze softened momentarily. "I want to believe you," he said finally, in a gentler tone. "You've proven yourself time and time again during our mission, but this..this is a little much for me to wrap my mind around."

Aithne was furious again then. She laughed, and couldn't stop. Her eyes burned. "A…a little much? For you?" She laughed some more, and tears started racing down her face. "A little much for you?"

She shook violently with horrible laughing sobs. She was hyperventilating, and her back and chest ached as she tried to hold herself together. Carth's eyes widened, but Jolee walked over. He grabbed Aithne's shoulders, turned her to face him, and slapped her face once sharply. Aithne stopped laughing and crying, and gave a little hiccup.

"Thanks, Jolee," she gasped.

"Don't mention it," he growled, returning to his seat.

Carth was staring at her in fascination. "This must be even more of a shock for you," he said at last, seemingly in genuine pity. "I…I don't even know how you'll keep going. I guess we just have to find a way to push forward." He nodded his head once and backed up a step. His tone normalized, and the wall behind his eyes came up again. "Don't worry, I won't let my personal feelings get in the way of my assignments or this mission. But don't forget: I've sworn an oath to the Republic! As long as this mission stays on course I'll stick with you. But I won't let you betray the Republic under any circumstances!"

Aithne's knees buckled, and Mission ran over to hold her up. She spat something at Carth in Twi'leki, but Aithne was too dazed to translate. Did…did he actually think that she would give up rescuing Bastila and go join forces with that traitorous idiot of an incompetent that had been her former apprentice, now evil and sadistic besides? Did he think she could do that, even? To the crew? To him? She saw from his face that he did, and she felt sick.

Carth shrugged. "So…I guess that's it then. We keep going. We've still got the Star Map on Manaan to uncover if we're going to find that Star Forge and save Bastila, so let's do it before it's too late."

Awkwardly Carth turned and left, leaving Aithne where she stood, dumbfounded. T3-M4 beeped at her, before slowly rolling away. HK-47 lumbered off to his corner, saying something about signing off to assimilate.

Canderous approached, a wariness in his face. "Look, if you want me to go beat his face in…" he began to offer.

"No," Aithne cut him off, not looking at him. "Leave him alone."

"If you want something done right, just ask," Canderous said finally. He left Aithne with Jolee, Zaalbar, and Mission.

"Aithne, he's an idiot," Mission began hotly. "We all know you'll save Bastila and take down Malak besides."

"Hush, child," Jolee said. He was watching Aithne's face. "Lass?" he ventured.

Aithne took a few shaky steps. "Just…go," she managed. But she was leaving herself, and when she finally made it to the cargo hold and shut and barred the door, she finally let the tears flow freely.

She approached Juhani the next day, en route to Manaan. It was a fairly short trip compared to some others they'd taken, but there would still be far too much time to think, to talk. There was a hollow ache in her chest, and her eyes were burning from sleep that had been disturbed by too many nightmares on the floor of the cargo hold.

"Juhani?" she said, knocking on the door to the Cathar's little room. Juhani was sitting on a stool, staring at the wall. She turned wide golden eyes on Aithne.

"How..how can you possibly be Revan?" she demanded, but her tone was not one of hatred. She continued. "The one…the Jedi whose troops saved me on Taris…it was Revan, leading an army out to defeat the Mandalorians. It was you…"

Her tone became clear now. It was idolism. Revan had been the Jedi then, that had inspired the poor Cathar slave-girl to go to Dantooine and train. It had been her. No wonder then, with her model so flawed, that Juhani had fallen. Aithne felt a stab of regret, and of understanding. "I wondered why you hadn't mentioned the Jedi's name," she said simply.

Juhani leaned forward from her seat, gazing up into Aithne's face intently. "I knew when I heard that you had become the Dark Lord of the Sith that something was wrong with it," she said passionately. "The woman who saved me…really, little more than a girl at the time…the woman who I have come to care for, could never go completely to the Dark Side."

Aithne's conscience moved her to contradict Juhani. "I beg to differ," she said quietly. "I am as susceptible as anyone to the Dark Side. The important thing is…" and she was speaking mostly to herself now. "I'm not on the Dark Side now. And now that I know how far I can fall…how far I fell, I'll be watching for it."

"It is good to know that you have truly changed," Juhani said, not getting the point. "It gives me hope. I do not think now that I will fall to the Dark Side. I only have to look to you and follow by your example and there is no way I can fall."

Aithne shook her head violently. She knelt in front of Juhani's stool. "Listen to me, Juhani. I'm not Revan, some fantastic hero that saved you back on Taris, invincible and infallible. I'm your friend, Aithne Morrigan, a woman like any other, and very fallible. I have made...enormous, evil mistakes. Most I don't remember. But I've made some even on this mission. If you allow yourself to get overconfident, especially in me, you are only setting yourself up to fall. You know the power of the Dark Side." She hesitated. Juhani was listening intently.

"I'm not sure I can hold off the Dark," Aithne confessed in a whisper. "It sings to me. All the time. And now, especially, I'm so angry and hurt and confused...but I can't abandon the Light, either. It's like I'm walking on the edge of a knife, Juhani." Aithne stared into the distance. She felt the truth of her existence. "And the blade is starting to cut my feet."

Juhani nodded, eyes downcast. Aithne felt compassion and admiration flowing from her, along with something deeper and more than a little troubling. "I suppose you would know better than I," she conceded. "But I will never forget what you did for me, even if you do not remember it."

Aithne closed her eyes, desperate to make Juhani understand. "Can you stop it?" she asked. "All the deference, all the respect. Like I'm the best person in the galaxy. Juhani- I'm glad I've been able to help you, both before I remember and back on Dantooine. You're my friend and I want good things for you. But I can't be your role model. I can't be your hero. I won't measure up to how you see me. I'm trying to tell you that now, because if you don't start seeing things the way they are, this won't be good for you. And I don't want you hurt." She looked up at Juhani. She'd frozen. "Do you understand?" Aithne murmured.

Juhani inclined her head ever so slightly. "I…I have never meant to offend," she said. "I realize that you have only ever done for me what a friend and a servant of the Light would do. I never thought that it could…that you…" she broke off. "I am sorry. I shall try to think of you only…" she halted again. "Please," she said finally. "It would probably be best if you just…go."

Aithne nodded. "I'm sorry," she said, and walked out, bitterly crediting Revan with yet another heartbreak.

A/N: I'm not really happy with the end of this chapter. I've never really liked Juhani. She's humorless and formal and her idealization of Revan is not only annoying but also a little disturbing. Gooey eyed idolism is no good foundation for any relationship. But for all that I've never been able to justify killing her in the game. So I take her along, and I treat her nicely, but hardly ever take her out on mission. Still, in this narrative I've ignored her far too much. Almost all of Aithne's contact with her has been kept out-of-scene, and I haven't bothered with her personal side quest. But her feelings deserve some consideration. In my original novelization I vaguely hinted at Juhani's unrequited hero-crush on Revan. This time around I've addressed it directly, to give Aithne a source of more angst, and to give Juhani an impetus to grow up and move on. Later on she's set to go out on mission with Aithne- I might take the opportunity to develop and rehabilitate the character a little.

Otherwise, I'm very happy with the rest. This section of the story is one that I've done a lot of work on, and it'll only continue. I'm thinking about writing most of Manaan from Mission, Jolee, and Canderous' POV, maybe with a page or two of Carth thrown in for good measure. It'll involve a considerable reworking of what I've got, but I think the overall affect will be better watching the other characters watch Aithne process what's happened. It'll make the few moments when I actually write inside her head more powerful.

On that note, the next few chapters might take a little more time. Still, immediately next: Aithne, Jolee, and Canderous get a charming little picture of the Selkath legal system. Leave a review and tell me what you're thinking!

May the Force Be With You,

LMSharp