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10
"I really appreciate you making time to meet me today."
Adam smiles kindly, gesturing for her to have a seat in his office. "It just so happens I had a cancellation."
Cassie makes herself comfortable on the couch, while the doctor sits across from her in the armchair. She's more nervous than she thought she would be and she twists her fingers in her lap.
Adam seems to notice this, and rises from his chair heading over to the tiny kitchenette in his office. "Can I offer you a cup of tea?"
"That would be great, thank you."
It only takes a few minutes for the kettle to boil and he returns, offering her a mug. "I hope chamomile is alright."
Having something warm between her hands relaxes her more. "...a great choice for your line of work."
Adam nods. "It is...opening up about our worries and fears isn't easy."
She looks into her tea. "More so if you're usually the one listening, the one giving advice."
"I suppose it would be," Adam agrees. "In my experience, it's even more important for those individuals to find someone they can lean on, talk to. How does it feel, being on the other side?"
Closing her eyes, she lets herselffeel. "...like I've been screaming at the top of my lungs for anyone to hear me."
"Does anyone hear you?"
She sits with his question for a minute. "Sometimes." "Why do you think that is?"
"I'm not always screaming out loud."
"Is that a deliberate choice?"
She frowns. "I'm not sure."
"Ok, let me ask you this: do you want anyone to hear you?"
His question settles heavily inside of her. "I think so?"
"You sound unsure."
She opens her eyes to meet his gaze. "Because I am," she admits. "I know what the answer to that question should be but it doesn't feel right to me."
Adam nods. "I just want to make sure I've heard you correctly: you feel like you're screaming at the top of your lungs for anybody to hear you, and sometimes you're not screaming out loud. Sometimes people hear you, and you're unsure whether or not you want anyone to hear you at all. You also feel that the answer should be, yes, of course you want someone to hear you, only it doesn't feel right. Is that correct?"
She frowns again, nodding. "When you repeat it back it sounds really pathetic."
"That's an interesting choice of words...I'd disagree; many people who've experienced trauma in their lives have similar feelings."
Cassie allows his words sink in, trying to find a place for them among what she's feeling right now. "There are so many people in my life that have been affected by what's happened to me and I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do...that I can't fix all of this for them."
Adam nods. "That's normal, Cassie. A survivors guilt, of sorts." Exhaling, she leans back into her chair. "How do I move forward?"
"Well, you start by finding your support system; those that always hear you screaming, even if it's not out loud. Once you find them, lean on them when you can."
"Ok."
Adam smiles kindly. "And then we schedule you in for another session."
...
Grace finds him at his locker, and approaches him with caution. Their walk to school had been a painfully quiet one and they had parted ways almost immediately when arriving to school. With two periods under their belt and enough time to stew, she leans against the locker beside his, ready to pry it out of him. "Let's talk about it."
"I'll pass," he comments, switching out his texts books from his bag.
"Not the answer I was looking for." She watches as he jaw jumps several times, before he hangs his head. "Try again."
"...I wish she'd just leave already," he admits. "I hate the way she makes me feel, what she does to my Dad...she still sees me as some...screwup."
Reaching out, she places a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Nick."
He shakes his head. "She makes me feel worthless, Grace, and what's worse, my Dad's pleading my case to her to be nice to me. Who does that? Who has to tell a parent to be nice to their own kid?"
He slams his locker shut, and she jumps a little. "You're mad at him," she infers.
"Yeah, I'm mad." His voice has gained some weight behind it and he slings his bag over his shoulder. "I'm mad that he hasn't asked her to leave already, I'm mad that he tells her what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling because she has no right to that. I'm mad that he's so damn consistent and supportive and yet unravelling on the inside...I'm mad that you and your mom aren't around anymore and that..."
He catches himself, and she encourages him to continue. "That what?"
He exhales, avoiding her gaze. "...she doesn't remember who we are to each other anymore."
Grace reaches for his hand, squeezing it. She doesn't feel it's her place to tell him that her mother has her memories back, but she wants to give him some comfort. "She hasn't forgotten, trust me."
"...I just want things to go back to the way they were."
...
There's a gentle knock on his office door, and he swivels in his chair to find Eve standing tentatively in the doorway. "What is it?"
"I've got Bruce on line one-"
He swivels back to his computer. "-take a message."
Eve lets out an exasperated noise. "You can't avoid everyone forever, Dr. Radford!"
His fingers still over his keyboard. They tremble over the keys, and he clenches his hands tightly in an attempt to steady them. "I'm not avoiding."
"There hasn't been a patient in here in weeks. All I've been doing is referrals to other Doctors. Either you're avoiding everyone, or you're closing the practice; which is it?"
Closing the practice.
The thought had never crossed his mind until it slams into him now. All of his shortcomings as a physician seep into his mind until it's all that he can focus on. "Can we discuss this later? You can tell Bruce I'll return his call later in the week."
The disappointment is clear on Eve's face, but she nods anyway. "Sure."
His phone chirps beside him, and considering Nick's is still in his jacket pocket, he assumes it's from Cassie.
Are you free?
It's a loaded question and his concern grows as he types back.
I can meet you at the Bistro in 10. Is everything alright?
The three bubble appear and her response is immediate.
Can we meet at Bell book?
She hasn't answered his question and he immediately presses her name, calling her. She picks up on the first ring. "Are you alright?" He questions again. He's already out of his seat, reaching for his coat.
"...I just need to see you."
There's something in her voice that he's unable to place. "I'm on my way."
...
To his luck he finds a parking spot right out front of the Bell Book and Candle. The store is busy and if he didn't have a singular focus to get to her, he'd take a minute to acknowledge it. The bell chimes above him and he scans the shop for her.
Tara excuses herself from a customer, walking over to him. "She in the back counting inventory." He manages a smile. "Thanks, Tara."
She smiles back, returning to the customers.
The last she needs is him moving like a bull in a china shop, so he takes his time maneuvering through the customers and displays to the back of the store. The door to the inventory room is open, and he finds her elbows deep in a box of packing peanuts. She doesn't sense his presence, and he places a hand on the small of her back gently. "Hey."
She startles for a second, before the recognition slides over her. "Hey." Pulling her arms from the box, she shakes a few packing peanuts from her arms before sliding into him.
She's got her arms under his jacket around his waist, her head fitting between his shoulder and neck. "Cassie-"
"-just hold me, please?"
Wrapping his arms around her, he tugs her a little closer. She inhales deeply several times, exhaling into the collar of his shirt. His fingers sift through her hair gently, holding her firmly in his arms. The conversations and movement from the shop float to where they are in the back, in the silence of just them. He's acutely aware of how her eyelashes tickle the side of his neck, of the way her hands are griping the back of his shirt. The way her body has softened into him, the way he's been brushing his fingers through her hair, down her back rhythmically.
He holds her like this for several, still, quiet minutes.
When her head finally lifts from his shoulder, she pulls back just enough to meet his gaze. He searches her eyes for some sign of what's going on. "Hey," he greets again softly.
A small smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. "Hey."
As much as he wants to question her, he can tell she's still not ready. Framing his hands around her face, he lets his thumb brush across her lips, before pressing his own to her forehead. He holds his mouth there for a beat, until her head lifts, seeking his mouth.
The inventory closet isn't that big, and he reaches for the door, giving it a swing shut. Her lips skim his gently before meeting him in a full kiss. It's needy, wanting and if they weren't in the back of her shop with a half a dozen customers only an earshot away, he'd meet her with the same need. Brushing his thumbs across her cheeks, he softens his kiss in an attempt to coax whatever she's called him here for, out of her.
When the kiss ends and she pulls back, her grip on the back of his shirt tightens. "It's been...a long morning," she says softly.
His hands slide from her face down her shoulders, rubbing her arms that are still wrapped around him. "How so?"
She inhales deeply, exhaling audibly. "I don't feel like me, Sam." He continues to rub her arms, waiting for her to continue.
"Even with my memories...I met with Adam today."
This surprises him. "Oh?"
"...I need help figuring this out."
"How can I help?" He offers. When her gaze drops and her body tenses, he pieces it all together. "Without question, Cassie."
"What about-"
He places a finger over her lips, quieting her. There's no room for Linda in this, in here with them. "Your my support system, and I'm yours. We're going to do this together, alright?"
She nods, moving back into his arms. He holds her tightly against him. "...we're bit of a mess, huh?"
"Speak for yourself," he teases.
She laughs next to him, and he presses a kiss to the side of her head. "How's your morning been?" She questions.
It's his turn to sigh, and it causes her to pull back to meet his gaze. "I'm thinking of closing my practice."
Her eyes widen in disbelief. "You love your practice," she reasons. "Where is this coming from?"
"My head hasn't really been in it...with my hands and the PTSD," he shrugs, letting his sentence trail off.
Sliding her arms from around him, she places and hand over his chest. "And your heart?" She questions.
"My heart?" He exhales, weaving a hand with hers. "My heart will always be in medicine." She squeezes his hand. "I think it's worth noting that it's never steered you wrong."
He nods, letting her words sink in. "Can I change the subject back to you?"
"You want to know if I saw a doctor and the answer is yes. Dr. Samir gave me a clean bill of health."
"Thank you."
She leans in, pressing her lips to his in a gentle kiss. "Back to you: how'd things go with Nick this morning?"
He shakes his head, letting his hands rest around her waist. "He went to a party to hang out with a girl."
Cassie smiles a little, letting her own hands slide up and down his biceps. "She must be important."
He bobs his head unsurely. "The verdict is still out on that one; I didn't pry too much other than the mandatory fatherly lessons...we had a really great talk, and then he walked in on Linda and I-"
"-you promised-"
"-Having a spirited discussion." She gives him a look.
"I didn't break my promise. I kept my cool, Linda on the other hand, didn't...Nick overheard and the look on his face." He shakes his head again. "I know he felt betrayed that I told Linda how he was feeling. He left before I could say anything...just when I think we're solid, something happens to put a crack in it all."
Her hands settle on his chest, smoothing out his tie. "Can I offer my advice?"
"Please."
"Give him some time to process all of this...having Linda here has changed things for him and I'm sure this new dynamic is having just as much an effect on him as it is on you. He'll come to you when he's ready."
Nick's phone chirps from his pocket, and Cassie gives him a questioning look. "Nick's phone. Linda grounded him and took, and he left before I could give it back to him."
"I have to stop by the school. Grace forgot her calculus book; I could drop it off to him?"
"Would you?...I know I can call the school to get a hold of him but it's been making me a little crazy all morning knowing that he doesn't have it."
"Of course."
He slides it out of the inside pocket of his jacket, handing it to her. "Fair warning: it's constantly making noise."
She laughs, slipping it into her back pocket. "Noted."
She seems more like herself, and he loosens his arms around her, settling on her hips. "...you know you can text me, call me, anytime, Cassie."
"It goes both ways."
"Deal."
Tbc
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