So far, these past few weeks have been tiring for Hinata.
To get her mind off a certain someone, she trained extra hours in the morning, because the pain of physicality distracted the pain of her mentality.
She asked for more missions, most of them that can be completed alone. Kakashi was skeptical at first, a slight narrow in his gaze indicating his concerns for the Hyuga, so he gave her missions that can be completed in a short amount of time from here and there, whether it be a simple message or to retrieve medicinal herbs from neighboring villages.
And then there were clan meetings. The absolute worst.
The Clan meetings were becoming chaotic, with each gathering getting more hectic. The elders furthering their agendas because they know that their time is limited. It was all very tiring.
She hates clan meetings because she never has a say in important discussions. It's like she wasn't there, as if she wasn't going to become the next heir of the Hyuga clan.
But the thing is though, is that she wasn't the next heir.
And like a ghost amongst the living, she sits quietly in the meeting. There were non-stop arguments between the elders, the branch, and her father on the progression of their clan and the removal of the cage bird seal.
It was all too much for her.
Just the thought of Neji weighs down her entire existence. He died so she can live. He gave up his life for her; the cold-hearted Neji, the same Neji that almost killed her during the chunin exams.
He died for her, so she can live.
And yet it felt like she was dying with every breath she took. But she has to keep going, for Neji, and maybe even for him.
Hanabi wasn't here this time, she's on a mission. so she sits there and waits for these dreadful meetings to finish.
It wasn't until 9 at night when the meeting came to an end. Now that it's over, she suddenly felt vulnerable.
Nobody's here to comfort her in the aftermath. So she leaves the compound and walks the streets of Konoha, enjoying the cool breeze against her face as she keeps walking. She had no destination, so she let her legs take control. Her mind was on autopilot, and she let her body take authority.
Whatever direction she ends up in will be up to fate. She's feeling risky this particular night.
It wasn't cold as it was two weeks ago, but it's not exactly warm either. It was cloudy tonight, with the moon peeking its way through the overcast sky.
She felt herself relax as she continued walking. Her thoughts somewhat cleared, she became one with the night, enjoying this temporary state of bliss.
However, it quickly came to an end when she was at the gates of the cemetery. She thinks of possible reasonings of fate bringing her here. She hasn't been to the cemetery since last year, on October 10th.
She missed coming on Neji's birthday because she was on a lengthy mission at the time.
And now that she was here at these very gates, she felt guilty for not visiting his grave sooner.
Involuntarily her legs move throughout the graveyard, her eyes narrowing in on the targeted headstone. She stops once she reaches it, and for a good while she just stands there, lining out the engraving on the stone, counting every crack she sees.
She stands there, wallowing in the sight at the banquet of lilies resting upon the gravestone. She notes that the flowers would need to be replaced soon.
Another breeze hits her face, and the next thing she knew she was on the ground, crouching over the gravestone as hot tears escaped her eyes, streaking against the coolness of her cheeks.
"Neji-Nissan, I-I" her breath hitches. She needs to get it out, but she can't. Her throat threatens to close up, and she feels like she's suffocating from the lack of oxygen.
I'm sorry for not visiting on your birthday.
"I'm s-sorry...I wasn't a-able to.." she can't finish this sentence either.
The tears stream down her face as she bends over the cold stone, resting her head there. Her hands clench and tug at the grass underneath.
I'm sorry for wasting the life you gave me.
"Maybe if...I-I knew...what t-to do..." she's a complete mess now. She's sobbing her words out and they're barely distinguishable. The tears left a salty taste on her lips. Her lungs feel like collapsing, and she tries to hold each breath in, but she falls into a quivering mess.
I'm sorry that you died and I survived.
You died and I survived.
You died and I-
"Hinata?"
She abruptly shoots up, rubbing her face with the balls of her fist free from any tears. She didn't notice any other presence here at the cemetery, and she blames it on her carelessness.
She peeks through her fingers and is relieved to see Kurenai standing behind her, with a two-year-old Mirai holding her hand. With a concerned look on her face, she stoops down to Hinata's level.
What is she doing out so late?
Hinata felt embarrassed that her sensei had to see her this way.
"Kurenai-sensei! I-I'm sorry for troubling you-"
"Are you alright hun?" Kurenai interrupts, rubbing Hinata's back with her free hand.
Mirai comes closer to Hinata and touches her cheek, no doubt trying to wipe any excess tears Hinata missed with her small, dainty fingers.
She wants to say yes, but Kurenai witnessed everything, so what's the point of lying?
She feels like she's on the verge of tears.
"No, I'm not okay." She can feel the burning sensation in her eyes again, and she tries to blink back her tears.
Kurenai looks at her student with a gentle expression. Besides her, Mirai starts to rub on Hinata's cheek with her small hand, which she thinks this an attempt to comfort her, and it's working. Kurenai looks up towards the sky, her red eyes reflecting the partial light of what the moon has to offer.
"Come back to my place with me."
It's not a command, but she wasn't asking either. Hinata isn't sure what to think of the statement, so she agrees to go with her.
They leave the cemetery, and Hinata watches Mirai waddle beside her. She recently started walking not too long ago, and her little steps are a cute distraction from the talk that's yet to come. A small smile tugs at her lips.
They reach Kurenai's apartment, and Hinata takes off her shoes and enters the living room. She visits her sensei's house often, and she enjoys the warm aura of the home. She sits on the zabuton next to the coffee table, and Mirai soon follows behind her, plopping on the same cushion right next to her.
Kurenai heads into the kitchen, taking out a tea kettle and a few cups. "I'm fixing hot tea for us, so it'll be ready soon," She smiles.
"Thank you Kurenai-sensei."
"You know, it's really cold out there," Kurenai says as she feels the kettle up with water, placing it on the stove, "You can catch a cold if you stay out late often, Hinata."
"Oh, I-I wasn't…I'm not usually out this late," Hinata reassured her. She doesn't want Kurenai to worry for her, or think that it's a regular thing. Now she feels even more embarrassed, a slight pink dusting her cheeks.
"Oh?"
"Yes...I'm sorry for asking but, what were you doing out so late with Mirai-chan?"
She can hear the water boiling on the stove. Mirai was playing with her fingers, inspecting them with playful garnet eyes. The atmosphere of her home felt welcoming, it always does.
"Mirai wanted to visit her father and leave a gift. She insisted we go as soon as possible, and I didn't want to stop her, so we ended up going late at night...and it passed her bedtime as well."
She sets the kettle aside on the counter and pours the tea into two cups. She puts a teabag in each one and sets them alongside a bottle of juice for Mirai on a tray, bringing them over to the coffee table in the middle of the room.
She hands Hinata her cup in which she thanks her. Hinata blows at the tea gently as Mirai reaches for her bottle, taking loud sips.
Kurenai takes a sip of her tea before she places it down, and looks her straight in the eye. She knows what's coming, and somehow Hinata becomes frightened about voicing her problems.
She never talked about her issues; it would be rude to the other people around her. She only ever voiced out small troubles with Sakura, Ino, or Tenten...maybe even Hanabi if she wasn't annoying.
And now that she's here in this warm household, she feels as if she is being exposed. Her greatest insecurities were on the table, waiting to be picked apart one by one. Back at her house, she had her room and that was all. She never talked to her father about her problems.
Kurenai notices her troubled expression and deep exhales. "What's wrong dear? back there at the cemetery...it looks to me that you were releasing a lot of built-up emotion."
"Ah, again...I apologize for the trouble, Kurenai-sensei. I haven't been myself lately...I don't know," Hinata closes her eyes in shame. She feels transparent. As if her sensei can see straight through her; the insecurities were on display.
Kurenai's a master in genjutsu, so no doubt she can see through her tough girl act.
"Well, let's talk about it. Where are your troubles rooting from, do you know the exact cause? Or is there something in your subconscious that you're unaware of…?"
For a little while, she talks about her struggles. How she's unsure of her role in the Shinobi world. How she's trying to cope with a one-sided love. And how she needs to find some purpose in her life.
"This crush on Naruto has evolved into love and since you don't want to confess; it's weighing down your emotions, affecting your behavioral process." Kurenai ponders.
"But Kurenai-sensei! I confessed once before, but he never responded!"
"And you let this take a toll on your mental health?"
"I didn't want it to be like this. I was supposed to get over it and be there for him as a friend. But its…" her throat constricts, and it's becoming harder for her to breathe.
"...it's hard. To l-let go of someone that was never yours."
She sniffs and rubs her nose. When does she ever not cry? She was too old for this!
Kurenai sets her tea down on the table and looks out the window. A sad look masking over her once contempt features. Hinata suddenly felt the change in mood.
"Some people are born to give more love than what they receive."
She took the sentence as a direct kunai to the heart. Did her sensei mean that her love will remain unrequited...forever?
Why must I suffer that consequence...
What more could she have done to get him to see her, the way that she sees him? Why is there more to it...why couldn't it be what she already has to offer? She could've sworn her acts of love were straightforward. Why couldn't he see that?
Her heart tightens at the thought and she closes her eyes. Mirai's small form leans against her, her body motionless from sleep. Hinata proceeds to cradle Mirai in her arms, focusing on the soft exhales coming from the small child.
"Is that my fate?" she more so whispers to herself.
Kurenai turns to look at her. "Hinata, you're trying your best with him. I know that you know it's not your fault, but you're tricking yourself into believing that it is. It's his fault for not seeing the special care that you gave him all of these years."
Then I should've done more.
"...but who can blame the child, he can be a little dense at times," Kurenai chuckles to herself, "it amazes me that he is the savior of the Shinobi world sometimes."
Hinata didn't want to agree with her sensei that he was dense, but then again there were times when she wished that he would at least put two and two together.
"I have another question for you, and it might be a little more personal."
Hinata shifts on the ground and she points her fingers together, an action she hasn't done in years. Kurenai could be her therapist if she wanted to. She could even be considered a mother figure in her life.
She knew this question would be the hardest one yet.
"Forget about him for a second. You said something before about your purpose, your goals after you retire. You said you don't know what they are, and you're struggling to find them. Do you think you're good enough, in general?"
The world revolving around Hinata stops, and the atmosphere becomes quiet. She could hear Mirai's light snores, to the wind knocking against the window, down to the ticking of the clock on the wall. Every sound becomes more apparent in the silence of Kurenai's apartment.
Her sensei's gaze is strictly on her, watching her like a hawk. She's waiting for an answer that Hinata doesn't know the answer to.
She thinks she's good enough, but how if her younger sister replaced her as the heir of the clan? How...if she felt like she failed Neji at life?
"You're a princess Hinata. The world doesn't tame you, you tame the world. Everything that you've worked for- own up to it. I watched you grow from this shy, soft-spoken girl to this strong determined Kunoichi. Your development is beyond amazing- you showed the world what you're capable of, and you should continue to show it."
She contemplates her progress through the years. She knows she has gotten stronger, but-
"You're limiting yourself only because you think the others around you are doing better than you. People are allowed to grow and continue their paths to success, and you either get left behind in the dust, wishing that you could've done more. Or , you can walk along beside them, creating your purpose instead of finding it."
Walk along beside them .
Okay. She's never thought of it that way. She has been comparing herself to others without knowing.
"It seems that you lost your way a little bit. Times are changing Hinata, the Shinobi world is at peace now. Your options are endless, and I want you to pursue life to the fullest. You may not be yourself right now, and that's okay. Sometimes, young people might take a wrong turn here and there, but all they need is a little guidance to get back on their paths again."
"And what if my path leads to a cliff," Hinata cuts in quietly. "...and there's no turning back. What if I fall?"
"And what if you fly?" Kurenai counters.
"..."
"You're a Kunoichi, nothing can stop you from reaching your goals but yourself. Remember that."
"I will. Thank you, Kurenai-sensei."
A couple of days later, she meets Naruto at the third training ground.
"Are you ready Hinata?!"
He seems excited, as usual. She can feel his energy flowing through her, and it makes her ecstatic.
She imagines that training with him would be tough because he is way stronger than she'll ever be. Though she thinks back to Kurenai's words and relaxes.
It's going to be okay.
She's going to prove herself once more to her friend, and show him what she's capable of.
"I'm ready when you are, Naruto-Kun."
He smiles at her assertiveness. "Okay, you got any ground rules you wanna set before we start?"
"Nope...unless you need them, Naruto-Kun. After all, you're going against the Hyuga!"
"Woah Woah Woah!" Naruto puts his hand over his heart, taking a mocking offense, "we have a feisty Hinata over here. I'd almost say you hurt my feelings if I knew it wasn't true," he says with a playful smirk engraved on his features.
That smirk ...it was giving her butterflies at the worst time! But this was her time to shine, she needed to be gallant with her certainty.
"Then prove it to me."
Yeah, she thinks about toning her attitude down a little, but then again, being bold every once in a while was a little...fun. She could feel the thrill of rush coursing through her veins. He made her feel this way.
Naruto seems shocked by her choice of words, his eyes widening and his lips forming an 'o' shape.
Yeah, she was gonna need another therapy session with Kurenai after this.
They spread out, leaving enough distance between them on the training ground.
She activates her byakugan, and her senses are heightened. Knowing this unpredictable ninja, she needs to watch his every move. There's no telling what he has up his sleeve.
She can see the chakra points running through his body, and the world around her is more evident, her microscopic vision allowing her to see the faintest of details.
She poses in the traditional Hygua, with her arm sticking out in front of her body and one foot in front of the other, she straightens out her palm and falls into the gentle fist stance. Knowing Naruto, he usually doesn't have a plan. He goes in straight for the kill.
And that's exactly what he does.
He runs towards her while forming the shadow clone hand sign. Instantly, two clones are beside him. The clones came at her from the sides, while he came straight forward, although lagging behind them.
Maybe to finish off with a Rasengan?
The clones are coming at her from different angles at once, and she's automatically in defense mode. They approach her, and she reacts by dodging the first hit of the first clone, ducking her head from the kick of the second clone. The original Naruto was charging at her, although instead of a Rasengan, there was a kunai in his hand. No doubt he was going in for a frontal attack.
The clones were still attacking her at full speed, and she needs to get rid of them. At the right moment, as both clones came at her at the same time, she launches her body into the air in a split formation, kicking both clones in the face.
They disappear with a puff, and Naruto charges at her at full speed. She quickly takes out a shuriken and throws it at him, the weapon emerging into three.
He uses his kunai to block all three of them, and she takes out her kunai as well, ready to take him on.
He goes in for a stab, however, she instinctively sidesteps him, aiming for his gut. He blocks her attempt with his free hand and goes in with a roundhouse kick, his body turning a forty-five-degree angle in an effort using the instep of his foot.
She somersaults backward to put a little distance between them. Landing, she rids the kunai in her hand by throwing it at him and then begins weaving hand signs. "Fire Style: Great Fireball Technique!"
Chakra kneads inside her body into the fire, and she expels it through her mouth into a ball-like shape. An enormous ball of flames approaches her target.
"Earth Style: Mud Wall!"
A wall of mud abruptly shoots from the earth's surface, blocking the fireball from absorbing Naruto.
"I thought Uchihas only knew this technique," he shouts at her.
"Any fire style user knows this technique Naruto-Kun. It's the most common one, after all," she shouts back.
With this quick distraction, she runs towards him. He senses her and switches to defense.
She decides to keep it simple and come at him with taijutsu. With each strike becoming more aggressive, she focuses more chakra into her palms. He's blocking her hits by fluidly switching his stances.
She notices a small default in his movements and aims for a chakra point in his collarbone. She succeeds, and he groans at the contact of her hit to his clavicle. He somersaults back until there is enough distance between them.
"Shit Hinata…looks like you caught me lacking, y'know," he touches the spot where she hit him with his bandaged hand.
She wants to tell him she's sorry and beg for his forgiveness, but this is a spar. She has to do what she needs to do.
He looks at her, a malicious look swarming in his eyes.
"Alright, let's try this again."
That doesn't sound good. Not in the slightest.
He charges at her with determination in his eyes, a Rasengan forming in his hands. She prepares herself for the attack, switching into defense mode.
Once he's within her range again, he doesn't aim for her. Instead, he aims for the ground. The rotating chakra lodges into the earth, sending seismic waves causing the ground to vibrate. Suddenly, the very ground starts to rupture and come apart, and it feels like a mini earthquake has been produced.
The ground then explodes, large rock pieces flying into the air and then coming back down as if rain was falling from the sky. Except this wasn't rain; it was gigantic pieces of rocks threatening to crush her.
Yeah, he's not messing around.
She swiftly moves with a hurried rhythm, her body doing multiple flips and turns to avoid being crushed by pieces of boulders.
Once that was over, she leaned over with her hands on her knees, panting heavily.
She pauses for a second trying to catch her breath. All of that moving took a toll on her stamina.
There was a dust-like fog covering the atmosphere, and she thought about Naruto's whereabouts through all of the commotions. She activates her byakugan once more to find him.
"Behind you."
Before she could try anything, he puts a stop to her advances. He was instantaneously on her, pinning her body to the surface of the earth.
He was straddling her, pinning her body to the ground. He captures both of her wrists in his left hand putting them above her head, and with his bandaged hand, he holds a kunai to her throat.
"Yield," the jinchuriki demands, the rasp in his tone quite evident.
The training ground around them was partially destroyed now, and she thinks that they probably should've trained somewhere else. That would be noted for next time.
She couldn't help but feel weird at the position they were in. She felt a burning sensation in her gut from the feel of his body on hers. From his strong legs enclosing around her waist to the pressure of his vice grip on her wrists, she began to feel hot .
His cobalt eyes are staring so intensely into her lavender ones, and she could feel him pressing the kunai further into her throat from the lack of response. He was in such proximity to her, and she felt as if she was being burned by him. Those once playful eyes are now guarded, and she watches his eyes travel down to the slope of her neck where the blade was pressed against.
She notices the beads of sweat on his face dripping along his neck. The sweat makes him look shiny and his sun-kissed skin stands out nicely. She can see the outline of his muscle through his black jacket- he was so tense.
She could hear his heavy panting, the warmth of his breath was stroking her cheek, and she couldn't shake the feeling of arousal that was looming over her.
His lower half...was on her lower half.
The atmosphere changes, and she feels an odd sensation between them. She hasn't said anything in a while, and he hasn't reacted to her not saying anything. He kept their position, his eyes never leaving her.
His eyes look back up to her own, and he does nothing but stares .
She feels weird for not responding, and she doesn't want their match to be over, but she's trapped. She physically could not remove herself from him, he was much stronger than her after all.
He was probably just heavier than her, but she thought of all the ways she could try and escape. She showed such confidence in the beginning, just to get her ass handed to her in the first round!
"Fine," she finally says, and she releases a breath she was unaware of holding once he removes himself from her.
"We could go another round y'know," he offers.
She knew what he meant.
Yet the phrase coming from his mouth sounded so wrong .
She shakes off her previous thoughts. Of course, he offers another round, he has the stamina of a thousand shinobi put together in one.
She would go for another round, but she's not him. She's mentally exhausted from the little exchange they had not too long ago.
"Can we take a little break before we start again? You took a lot out of me."
"Before we do that...can you unblock the chakra point in my collarbone? It kinda hurts- like a lot."
"O-oh! I'm sorry Naruto-Kun!"
After she unblocks that one chakra point, they both head to a nearby stream to take a break. Hinata sits with her legs crossed while she massages her semi-bruised wrists. Next to her, Naruto is laying down with his hands behind his head with his eyes closed.
It was the afternoon now, the sky shining a deep blue. The water was flowing calmly down the stream.
It was cool today, as usual, they were nearing winter, but she was thankful for this weather after their recent spar and for the ones that are yet to come.
She looks over to the Uzumaki lying next to her. He looks at peace, with not a care in the world.
She wishes to be at peace with him. However, she couldn't.
Not with constant thoughts of him on her mind.
Not with the constant thought of her not being enough lingering in her thoughts.
Her mind traces back to the night at Kurenai's.
Create your purpose instead of finding it.
Hinata wishes that things came naturally to her. This was just extra food on her plate that she didn't need. Now that she thought about it, what exactly does Kurenai mean by that? Creating it...like creating a new Jutsu?
Naruto didn't create the Hokage…
Sakura didn't create the head nurse of the hospital…?
And yet, they found their purpose in life...
She decides to ponder on it later and thinks about her goals as of right now. She's not the heir anymore- Hanabi was. So what are her goals exactly? She didn't want to be a Shinobi forever, it's not in her nature. She thought about working in the academy with Shino until she can figure something out. Or she can take a part-time job at the Yamanka's flower shop; she loved gardening, so that didn't sound too bad.
She thought about working at a bakery because she loved baking sweets, however…
She looks back down to the boy beside her. That idea was shut down quickly.
Or maybe, she can support the next Hokage by being a lovely wife. She mentally pauses for a moment.
Where did that come from? A giggle escapes her lips at the silly thought.
"What's so funny?" Naruto questions, peeking an eye open at her.
"Oh...it's nothing really" she smiles.
She starts to get up, and soon Naruto follows after.
"I still wanna know," he blurts out.
"No!"
"Come on, tell me!"
"Nope!"
"Fine, don't tell me." Naruto positions his hands behind his neck.
"Okay, then I won't!"
She giggles to herself even more at his stubbornness. She knew what reverse psychology was if that was his intention. So she stayed quiet and enjoyed his warm presence.
They continued to walk back towards the training grounds as Hinata smiled to herself.
She can think about her goals later. She was fine with just this, for now, just being here next to him. All she can do is give, even if nothing is returned. Maybe she will never experience what it's like to be loved, maybe this was set to be her life.
To just walk alongside him and be a supportive friend.
Loving him is a form of self-destruction. She became a better person because of him, and Hinata found peace in that. But it also ruined her, and she was consumed by her insecurities.
She will be his friend and stand by his side. She will be there for him no matter what happens. She will help him achieve his goals through thick and thin. She will give him her all, for nothing in return.
Because he was her sun, a star that refused to fade. He constantly burns with energy and brings life to the people around him. She basked in his sunlight every chance she got, his warmth keeps her going. She was once a wilted flower, but his light saved her, and there was nothing more beautiful than this.
