A long overdue update...this chapter had so many re-writes, but I think I'm happy where it's at right now. Let me know what you think!
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Chapter 13
"I don't want to end the evening like this," she says to his back, following Sam back into her kitchen.
He pours the remnants of their tea down the sink, placing them in the empty dishwasher. Turning, he leans against the counter. "Neither do I...We've always just been on the same page; does this not all feel weird to you?"
She leans against the island, wrapping her arms around herself. "I think we're out of sync," she reasons.
"Are you going to tell me this is all because Mercury is in retrograde or something?" He teases.
She smiles, shaking her head. "And if it was?"
He pretends to ponder it a minute. "I'd believe you."
"I need you to know that for whatever reason I haven't thought much about us in the future, it doesn't mean I don't want to be there with you, Sam."
"And marriage?" he prompts.
She's not sure how to explain the uncertainty she feels at the idea. "...I can see it, Sam, you and me, the dress and your tux...I just can't feel it."
"Do you not want to get married?"
"I think it's more that because I can't feel it inside of me, that want isn't there."
He's silent, thinking. "Ok," he finally says.
"Ok?"
He nods, pushing away from the counter, crossing the kitchen towards her. "Ok," he repeats, brushing the hair from her shoulder, letting his hands slide down her arms. "You said we're out of sync so, this, disconnect, you're feeling has to be a part of it, right?"
She hadn't thought of it like that. "I've felt so off lately."
"You and me both."
Sliding her arms around his waist, she lets her hands travel up his back leisurely. "We need more nights like this."
His eyebrow cocks and he presses more of his body into hers. "Nights where it's just the two of us?"
She smiles, aligning her body to his. "I was thinking more of where we can just breathe and be us."
Sam nods. "I like that."
She meets his lips then, kissing him gently. His hand snakes into her hair, keeping her there and their brief interlude in the inventory room of her shop ignites inside of her all over again. She's not entirely sure it was want then, anymore then she is now; she just wants to be in-sync with him.
"Cassie," he murmurs against her lips. "Honey, we can't do this right now."
Heading to his better senses, she pulls back. "You're right. Sorry."
He's shaking his head, framing his hands around her face. He lets his thumb brush against her bottom lip. "Don't apologize; if we were alone right now I'd have you on top of this counter."
Her skin tingles at the thought of it. Out of all the nights they'd spent apart the past few weeks, she hadn't felt a longing for him and his presence until now. "...I wish you didn't have to leave tonight."
"I can't leave Nick with Linda," Sam sighs. "The two of them together..."
She nods. "I understand completely, Sam."
He presses his lips to her forehead. "I'm sorry."
...
Linda looks surprisingly at the plate of leftovers. "You made enchiladas?"
Nick grins. "Yeah. I mean, Cassie had everything prepped and stuff, but me and Grace made them!"
"You were at Grey House?"
Nick nods. "Cassie invited me over for dinner...Dad came later."
She plants a smile her face. "I'm sure they're really good, sweetheart; I just can't eat anything spicy-"
"-they're not spicy at all! And Cassie used this like, ground turkey or something. You'll love them."
She puts the plate of enchiladas back into the fridge. "Maybe later. Where's your father?"
Nick's demeanour changes and he pushes away from island. "He's in his study."
...
Sam had anticipated Linda's quick rap on his office door, overhearing bits and pieces of her conversation with Nick. Before he has a chance to respond, she let's herself in, closing the door behind her.
"You know how I feel about her and his safety yet you let Nick go over there?" "Did you try the enchiladas?"
"No I didn't try the enchiladas!" She snaps. "You're putting him in danger, Sam!"
He's not in the right frame of mind to have this conversation with her and he flips his computer closed, tucking it back into his desk. The bottle of sleeping pills Adam had prescribed rolls around in the drawer and he grabs the bottle before closing it shut. "How's your car? What did the mechanic say?"
She shakes her head. "Don't change the subject!"
"We'd have to be actually talking about something, meaning I'm responding to what you've just said, which I am not. Do you want me to look at your car in the morning?"
"You're not listening to me!"
He stills, letting her calm down. "I'm listening, Linda. I've heard what you said I just don't agree with you. I'm not having this conversation or argument tonight. Do you want me to look at your car in the morning?" He questions again.
There's an audible silence between them as he waits for her answer. She finally relents, folding her arms across her chest. "Yes."
He nods, heading for the door. "Ok then." He waits in the doorway for her to exit and she moves quickly past him, down the hall and up the stairs to the guest room.
The door slams behind her.
Closing his office door behind him, Nick peaks around the hallway.
"Everything ok?" He asks.
Sam sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "For tonight, yes."
Nick nods, leaning against the wall. "I'm sorry I took off like that this morning."
He leans against the opposite wall, crossing his ankles, hands in his pockets. "I'm the one that should be apologizing; I should have never betrayed your trust like that."
"...she's never going to see who I am now and I don't think that just because she's my mom that she's entitled to know all that stuff about me."
He listens carefully, giving what he's said some thought. "Your trust in us is something both your mother and I have to work on earning-"
"-I trust you, Dad," Nick interjects. "...we've worked really hard to get where we are now."
Hearing him acknowledge how far the two of them have actually come causes his chest to swell. "We did, pal...now you need to work with your mother."
Nick pushes away from the wall, shaking his head. "Why should I even bother? When has she ever put me first? Fought for me?"
Her bedroom door opens and Linda comes to stand at the top of the stairs. "Is that what you really believe?"
Both their gazes turn to the top of the stairs where Linda stands, rooted.
Nick swallows hard. "I'm not a kid anymore; it's not rocket science to figure it out. There's no way a judge would have given Dad full custody unless they felt you were unfit, or you didn't fight him on it. Given that you're hear right now, I'm going to go with the second option."
Linda's face pales as she quickly descends the stairs. "That's not what happened-"
"-Don't lie to me," Nick interjects. "It's kind of hard to go to Tokyo, Milan and Paris with an eleven year old. Be honest for once."
Linda reaches out to frame her hands around her sons face, only Nick shrugs her off. "I wanted to make it work! Your Dad fought me on it-"
"-because who wants to send an eleven year old to Tokyo!" Nick implores. "Do you not understand how mental that sounds?!"
Linda reels a little at Nick's tone, and Sam pushes away from the wall, intervening. "Nick, I need you to listen to me, ok?"
Nick's gaze connects with his.
"That time in our lives, neither of us were the best versions of ourselves. You witnessed a lot that we should have kept between us. Your mother loves you and has always wanted what's best for you-"
"-why are you still defending her?!"
"Because at the end of the day, I loved her, Nick," he admits. "We fell in love. We were in love and that love created one of the best things either of us has ever done." He can feel Linda's gaze on him and Nick deflates a little at his admission. "And no matter what has happened between the two of us, I still respect that love."
Nick nods, wiping at his eyes. "I don't feel the same way," he confesses. "I needed my mom and she was two continents and an ocean away."
A strained sound escapes from Linda and he reaches out, placing a hand on her back.
"I wanted to be there, Nick," she explains, her voice shaking a little. "Things with your father and I were just...awful, and I thought it would be better for everyone if I just left."
Nick nods again, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Maybe you should take that same advice now."
Linda wilts next to him and as she leans into him, he wraps an arm around her shoulders.
"I'm done talking about this." Nick heads upstairs, taking the stairs two at a time. He stops short of the landing, looking down at them both. "Just so you know, making those enchiladas has been the most fun I've had since you got here. You suck all the happiness out of our house and I never thought I'd say this, but I hate being in Middleton with you here."
His bedroom door slams behind him, and Linda turns into him, crying on his shoulder. He holds here there in his hallway, looking for the right words.
"He hates me!" She cries into his shoulder.
He shakes his head. "He's angry and hurt; he'll come around."
"...did you mean what you said?"
Exhaling, he holds her a little tighter. "Of course I did...I hate everything that we've become to each other, but I still respect everything we once were."
She pulls back, wiping her eyes. "...I hate that you two are happier without me."
"Me too."
She holds his gaze for moment, before heading upstairs to her own room.
...
He had left hours ago and yet his presence lingers throughout Grey House. Cassie can still feel his thumb gently caressing the back of her neck, the weight of his arm around her shoulders and his distinct smell that has nothing to do with cologne.
George, Grace and Nick had done an immaculate job of cleaning the kitchen that her usual distraction, baking, feels wrong. Grey house is quiet and the stairs creak and groan under her feet as she makes her way to her bedroom. She goes through her nightly routine cognizant of how she had done this with Sam for weeks, and the rhythm they seemed to find in his bathroom.
She misses him.
Moisturizing her hands, she flicks off the bathroom light, turning the down the covers and crawling into bed. She had been attempting to read a book titled, 'Re-centering your centre: a guide to holistic healing', with little luck. She turns to the next chapter.
Her phone rings from her nightstand.
Reaching for it, she's surprised to find a FaceTime call from Sam. She accepts, and his face fills the screen. "Hey," she greets softly.
"Hey," he greets back.
She leans back against her head board, closing her book. "Everything ok?"
A small smile plays at his lips and his gaze softens over the phone. "Just wishing I was there next to you." He's propped against his own headboard, his hair still damp and tousled from a shower. "What are you doing?"
She smiles, showing him the book in her lap. "Just some reading."
"Re-centering your centre," he reads. "Sounds like a real page turner."
Setting her book on her nightstand, she sinks further into her bed. "It's actually not, " she laughs. "What are you doing?"
He shrugs, yawning. "Nothing."
His yawn is so uncharacteristic of him because it's not overly late and he's a bit of a night owl, and she studies his profile more closely. His body has considerably relaxed and his gaze is heavy. "You look tired."
"I took one of the sleeping pills Adam prescribed me; I just need a night away from everything going on up here," he gestures to his head.
She's just now recognizing that something has settled in his eyes. "Want to talk about it?" Sinking back into his pillows, he exhales. "Bruce stopped by my practice today."
"Oh? What did he want?" she probes.
"...He offered me my position back as chief of staff."
The lack of enthusiasm on his part causes her to temper her own. She can't intuit how he's feeling right now and it frustrates her because she can't offer him what he needs from her. "How do you feel about that?" She offers instead.
He runs his fingers through his hair, resting his arm over his head. "Angry...that they let me go in the first place but more so with myself because I want this and I don't know if I'll ever be able to practice medicine again, let alone accept their offer."
"Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing, Sam," she reasons gently. "Hillcrest was very accommodating with your practice, letting you set your hours and your own schedule..."
"I'm a trauma surgeon, Cassie, and my hands won't let me do what I'm best at."
His frustration is clear and she knows it's not at her, but the situation. "You're also a phenomenal family doctor, administrator and attending physician," she points out. "Maybe it's finding what you can do, and not what you can't."
His jaw jumps several times and he wipes at his eyes silently. "...I don't know how to reconcile with that I may never do another surgery."
"I know, my love," she soothes. She wants to reach into the phone and hold him and shoulder his pain right now. "You are also the most incredibly determined person I know; fear is vision without hope."
He smiles a little, nodding through a yawn. "I really wish you were here right now."
The ache inside of her for him is palpable and the fact that he's only next door makes it worse. "...I still have the key to your place."
"Come in through the garage."
...
He waits for her at the top of the stairs as she tip-toes her way through his house. He hates that they both feel like they have to sneak around but an argument his late at night with Linda is not worth it. She climbs the stairs and it takes everything in him to not haul her to him right there. He follows her back into his room and he closes the door quietly behind him, making sure to turn the lock.
His eyes feel like lead and his body is practically screaming at him for rest but he envelops her tightly in his arms, resting his head in her shoulder. She holds him this time, sifting her hands through the hair at the nape of his neck, her other hand slipping under his t-shirt to touch his skin. It takes a few minutes for his breathing to sync to hers and he loosens his grip, letting the softness of her body soothe him.
"Better?" She questions.
He breathes her in, nodding into her shoulder. "Better."
Tbc
