"...JJ JJ... can you hear me? It's Emily, you are safe here. He can't hurt you anymore." , this very familiar voice carried through to her and she slowly realised that she was not a six year old anymore and she remembered Daniels and being in the hospital. Opening her eyes she saw a very concerned Emily standing beside her bed, who seemed a little relieved now that she had woken up.
"It looked like you were having a nightmare, so I tried to wake you up.", Emily explained. JJ nodded and an awkward silence emerged between the two friends. When they had last spoken, JJ had snapped at at Emily. She felt very guilty because she knew that Emily just wanted to help her by being there but JJ had decided a long time ago to never tell anyone in her current life about her past. It was the only way that JJ was able to forget about it most of the time.
Well, thinking about it she had to admit that she had suppressed her past rather than forgotten about it and every now and again it popped up into her life one way or another; all of her relationship problems could be traced back to her pushing people away when she was vulnerable or reminded of anything.
She had mastered the art of hiding it when being triggered by something but it was significantly harder when spending a lot of time with others, like her boyfriend or her colleagues, when they were working and traveling together for multiple days at a time.
Maybe it was time to change something about that, living like that was exhausting, but JJ feared everyone's reaction, their disappointment and frankly, she didn't think that she was strong enough to handle it. It was too painful, she had fought hard to mentally and physically get to a place where she could be a functioning adult and she wouldn't let an idiot like Daniels destroy the life she had build herself.
Emily didn't know what to say, she wasn't sure if JJ was still mad at her or what she needed right now. Dr, Keppler had said that she wanted both of them to talk to JJ and had stressed the importance of supporting her. However, all Emily felt was inadequate at being what JJ needed right now. She didn't know whether calling Will was a good idea, her gut told her that JJ didn't want him, so she decided to push back on that thought for now. Emily just wanted an instruction manual for how to handle this, how to get back control over the situation but there wasn't any kind of protocol. "This is probably just a tiny fraction of what JJ must feel like right now", thought Emily, when Dr. Keppler came in, taking both women's mind their thoughts:
"Agent Jareau, it's good to see you awake. I don't know if you have any recollection of this but about three hours ago you experienced a flashback and we had to sedate you again."
"No, I don't remember.", JJ mumbled, lowering her gaze.
Dr. Keppler paused for a moment and threw a glance over to Emily before grabbing a stool and sitting down:
"Okay, I'm going to be honest with you right now. I'm very worried about you. Your reactions to this traumatic event have been very strong, which leads me to the conclusion that you have suffered from some form of post traumatic stress prior to this and you were retraumatised by the event. I know that this is very scary right now, especially if you've never talked to anyone about this, but we can offer you help and support. You're not alone in this."
Silent tears ran down JJ's face, still fiddling with the bandages on her wrists.
"Hey Jayje", Emily jumped in, "whatever happened, I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere. There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing that you can say or do that will make me leave you. I love you."
Sobs wracked JJ's body and she wasn't able to hold them back anymore. Emily's words had hit the nail on the head. Emily carefully sat on the bed, engulfing her in a hug and rubbing her back. When the sobs had died down to sniffles after about twenty minutes, JJ pulled back, surprised and a little embarrassed when she saw that Dr. Keppler was still sitting there: "I'm sorry", she began, only to be interrupted by her: "You have nothing to be sorry for... You don't have to go into any detail right now but do you think you could share a little bit about what you're thoughts are right now?"
Emily had gone back to sit on her chair but was still holding on to JJ's hand, hinging her an encouraging squeeze. JJ sighed, Emily's words having changed something in her and even though she was terrified, she said: "I have never really told anyone about this... I don't really know where to start."
"How about you tell us what you're thinking and feeling right now?", Dr. Keppler proposed.
JJ nodded: "To be honest, I'm terrified; I have always worked so hard to keep this a secret, no one could know about it. I feel like it's my fault and I'm so ashamed and scared that people might look at me differently."
"You know, it's never the survivor's fault. Whatever happened to you it could never and will never be your fault. Unfortunately, guilt and shame are very common feelings for people who have experienced trauma.", Dr. Keppler said with a warmth in her voice that made everyone tear up, but then, entirely unexpected for the doctor, Emily and JJ looked at each other and started laughing. Dr. Keppler looked back and forth between the two, obviously confused. When they had stopped laughing, Emily cleared her throat and said: "Sorry, it's just that JJ works with victims of various crimes on a daily basis and you sounded just like her."
"Well then you know it to be true, but I know that it's harder to see when you are affected yourself.", she added.
" Yeah, I guess that's true... You know, there are a lot of things about my past that you don't know about and I'm sorry that I've never told you before.", JJ said towards Emily.
"It's okay. I know that this can't be easy. You don't have to tell us everything right now or even ever but I'm here to listen if you want me to. Do you think you could tell us what this nightmare was about that I woke you up from earlier?", Emily suggested, trying to take the pressure off of JJ.
"Yeah, um, I guess... so I was having a nightmare about Daniels and how he... what he did to me.", JJ paused for a moment, taking a deep breath but she quickly stopped when her body reminded her of the broken ribs, wincing as a result of it. Picking up on that, Dr. Keppler asked: "The pain medication from earlier has worn off. How much pain are you in right now?"
"No, it's fine, I don't want to be drugged up again.", JJ replied quickly with a little panic evident in her voice.
"Agent, pain management is very important..."
"Dr. Keppler", Emily interrupted her, seeing JJ's panic, "I think we need to have this conversation first." Realizing that her patient's friend obviously thought that there was more to it, she nodded and looked over to JJ encouragingly: " So... I basically relived everything from the touches and the pain and I couldn't stop him because I couldn't move I... I ..."
"It's okay JJ, you're safe. Take your time.", Emily soothed her.
"You don't have to justify that, it's part of our body's response to danger, it either goes into flight-fight or into freeze mode to protect us.", Dr. Keppler explained.
"No, I know but I tried fighting and then he injected me with some kind of drug which caused me to be hardly able to move... and that is what triggered some other memories...", Emily squeezes her hand agin, letting her know that she was here but not wanting to interrupt her", it began the day after I had started school. I was six years old and my father sat me down and told me that I had become so big that he would show me something very special. I was so excited. And he took me to my bedroom and... that was the first time that...", JJ had started crying again and breathed heavily, "that he sexually assaulted me."
Emily sat on the bed and hugged her again.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry", Emily whispered over and over again like a mantra.
A/n: I am now open to suggestions. Plese tell me if you have any ideas about how you want this story to continue.
