Initially JJ was sleeping in the guest bedroom and Emily had gone to her own bedroom, not wanting to smother her friend; also she wasn't sure if JJ could handle or want close contact right now. They were close friends but they wouldn't usually sleep in the same bed except for the occasional accidental sleepover on a couch. Emily wouldn't mind though, especially if it helped JJ but decided that she would have to be the one initiating anything like that as Emily didn't know her boundaries at the moment.
Laying alone in her bedroom, a strange silence was engulfing her, Emily's thoughts were racing but she was so exhausted that she succumbed to unconsciousness within minutes. JJ on the other hand couldn't stop watching Henry sleep because she feared that if she closed her eyes, she would be back with Daniels and never see her son again. She felt numb, everything was too much to comprehend and surreal: Two days again, her life could have been described as fairly normal and ordered.
She had been travelling to Missouri while her partner had cared for their toddler. It had not quite been a picturesque life but honestly, who really had that. But then, her entire world crumbled; not only that she had been abducted by a serial rapist and murderer, this had triggered a chain reaction of Emily finding out about he childhood and then Will...
However, if she was being honest, it wasn't that her secret past or the relationship issues with Will hadn't been there before, they had just been hidden from everyone except herself. So really it was like several old but nevertheless unhealed wounds were suddenly ripped open again, for everyone else to see, all at the same time.
And she was in this place now, bleeding and unsure about how to go from here. She had never been able to understand how anyone could actually seriously consider to just give up. JJ had never comprehended the state of mind and the thoughts that Rosaline must have had. It wasn't like she had never faced any difficulties in her life, quite the opposite actually, but it seemed like until now she had always had that inexplicable drive of the will to live. Now though... it was like suddenly being aware of how unstable the ground under her feet actually was, while it had seemed pretty solid before.
Coming to think of it, the striking difference between the past and the present was that she had always dealt or rather not dealt with her past traumas by ignoring it, pushing it down sufficient enough to convince everyone around her and sometimes even herself that it had never happened. And whenever that tactic failed her, she just abandoned her old life and stated anew, somewhere where no one knew her and more importantly the baggage she dragged around with her, so that she could invent herself again, if she just remembered to keep her guards up high for no one to get past these walls that somewhat felt like an existential past of herself by now. Running away was a way to make ignoring and pushing away work again, like fleeing from the crumbling floor, leaving the war zone behind, the only problem being the memories and the war in her head. And now, everything was different. Not only did Emily know about her past, but hiding the ordeal with Daniels from her co-workers was impossible, even just for bureaucratic reasons.
Her previous, familiar patterns would not work this time and running wasn't an option, she simply didn't have the strength to even imagine leaving everyone at the BAU behind, no matter how desirable a fresh start sounded, this had been the first time in her life she had felt like she could settle and start to build trust with a chosen family. Even though she couldn't picture herself ever recovering from this, she had a feeling that she didn't even have the slightest chance without the BAU and especially without Emily. And she had a responsibility for someone apart from herself, she had to be strong for Henry, that's what people always said, right? That they had to keep going for their children, even if it seemed impossible. JJ realised that she was standing at a crossroad: deciding to fight or giving into the desire to just stop.
A/n: I'm sorry that this was so short and im not sure if anyone is still following this story. I don't know how or if to keep going with it. I'm motivated and I planned to focus on JJ's mental health struggles and her relationship with Emily, wherever that may end up :)
Especially the topic of suicidal ideation is something I personally struggle with, so it's definitely harder to write about, but I think that it's both vital to the story and in general.
If you have any further suggestions or want me to keep going with this, I'd really appreciate a review. Thanks for reading and have a nice day :)
