A/n: TW for discussion and mention of suicidal thoughts and ideation. If you are triggered by this, please don't read.
If you need help and support, please get it. You are not alone.
At first Emily thought that she should let JJ be for now; she knew that JJ wasn't angry with her but just extremely overwhelmed, she had been through too much. However, the rest of the weekend went by without either of them really speaking to each other; apart from the necessary small-talk when living in the same flat. Every single one of Emily's attempts to get her to talk was shut down by JJ by either being overly polite and distant or lashing out. On Sunday night Hotch had called Emily to check in: "How is she doing?"
"Ugh, I don't know. We haven't really spoken the entire weekend and when we do, she's usually snapping at me and I'm getting really worried; that can't be healthy.", Emily rambled.
"Prentiss, take a breath. All she has ever done was handling things by herself. You can't expect her to be open and talk about how she's feeling. I can imagine that it's really frustrating for you and that you just want to help her, but she needs some time now. She will come to you when she's ready but all you can do is try to be there for her."
"But what if that's not enough?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, it's just a feeling, maybe I'm overreacting."
"Look I'm not in your position, but you are going to be enough for her. You can take off as much time as you need and you can always rely on us, you're not alone."
The next day a Monday, Henry was going back to day-care; Emily had been able to convince she could stay in bed and rest while she would drop him off. Even though JJ tried to not show it, but it as obvious to Emily that she was still in a lot of physical pain. For some reason Emily had an odd feeling just as she was closing the door of her car and was heading back in her building. She stepped into the lift and pressed the button to her level. Emily suddenly had goosebumps on her entire body and she hurried to push the key into the door. Everything was silent and nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first, but then taking a few steps towards the kitchen, she saw JJ standing at the kitchen counter with a large chopping knife in her right hand and starring at a large, bloody cut across her left palm. A couple of seconds passed in which Emily was just as paralyzed as JJ seemed, but then she slowly, carefully approached her, trying not to startle her: "JJ...", hands raised slightly, she was scared of moving too quickly. She didn't know what to say, what she was dealing with or how to respond. JJ didn't seem to have noticed her, so Emily tried a little louder than before: "Hey, JJ...". This made her jump slightly, she looked at Emily and then back down at both of her hands and at the blood that had dropped onto the chopping board in front of her. One half of an apple had soaked up drops of blood and was now tinted in scarlet red. JJ looked like a deer caught in headlights.
"Can you... can you put the knife down, Jayje?", Emily tried to ask with a firm but reassuring voice but quivered at her best friend's nickname. At first JJ seemed to remain frozen like a statue, then she slowly lowered her right hand and put the knife on the counter:
"I...I wasn't...", JJ tried to explain but she physically couldn't keep going.
"Can you let me take care of your hand?", Emily asked carefully, trying to get JJ out of this freeze-state. Her head moved back and forth ever so slightly, but Emily took this as an invitation and as permission to step closer, put an arm around her best friend and lead her towards the bathroom. She guided her onto the closed toilet seat and grabbed the first aid-kit from the cabinet under the sink. Her hands shook slightly but she tried to compose herself, she had to be in control of this situation. Carefully cleaning the wound that went horizontally across JJ's entire palm, she noticed with great relief that while it was bleeding quite a bit, that the cut wasn't as deep as it had seemed at first and probably wouldn't require stitches and a trip to the hospital.
JJ just stared at the black bathroom tiles as Emily applied gauze and wrapped a bandage around her hand and wrist to apply pressure and stop the bleeding. Emily's thoughts were going in circles: What had happened? Was it accidental? Intentional? Why was she in this state? How long had she been standing there like this, bleeding? She was scared of pushing JJ even further away but she needed answers, not talking would be negligent especially if JJ needed acute emergency support. Looking at her friend, she almost looked like a frightened little child that was about to be reprimanded. Emily remembered Dr. Keppler talking about shame and guilt, so she said: " Hey Jayje, I'm not mad, I'm just worried about you. Can you tell me what happened back there?"
"Um, I ...", JJ started but then she suddenly jumped up, turned around and opened the toilet lid hastily. She bent down and started vomiting violently.
Emily quickly dropped to her knees next to JJ, holding her hair and rubbing her back.
"It's okay, breathe through your nose. I've got you.", Emily spoke calmly. But when JJ's stomach had ridden itself of any food, she continued to throw up bile and her breathing became even more laboured. Emily took JJ's right hand and brought it to her left chest right above her heart, just as she had done back at the hospital.
"JJ, look at me sweetie, you're having a panic attack, nothing can hurt you right now. Breathe in... and out. Good."
JJ's previously glazed-over eyes became clearer and she looked up to Emily.
"Hey, there you are", Emily smiled.
"I'm...I'm sorry.", JJ mumbled, starting to tear up.
"It's okay, why don't we go to the living room, the bathroom floor can't be comfortable."
JJ nodded. Emily helped her up and couldn't miss the big wince and JJ protectively covering her injured ribs with her right arm. Swaying slightly, Emily steadied her and the pair began walking. When JJ was seated on the couch, Emily went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and the pain medication. She handed it to JJ, who gratefully took it and then curled into a ball with her knees pulled up. Emily chose to wait, seeing that JJ was trying to say something. After a minute of silence JJ started: "I... I was trying to make breakfast, I wasn't hungry but I needed the medication, so... so I wanted to cut the apple... I guess I was a little out of it and the knife slipped and then...", tears had started to stream down her face.
"So it was an accident; what happened next?", Emily asked reassuringly and took JJ's uninjured hand.
"I... just froze. And then I had all those memories flooding back...", she let out a strangled sob.
"What memories Jayje?"
"Of Rosaline, my... my sister when she was laying in the bathtub and her wrists... I couldn't stop the blood...", she started loudly sobbing now. Emily put her arm around her and engulfed her in a gentle hug. It's okay, let it all out."
When she had calmed down, Emily decided that she would have to ask: "JJ, I need to ask you something and please be honest, whatever your answer will be, we can deal with it, I'll be here for you."
JJ nodded and looked down at her hands.
"I believe you that the cut was an accident, but I need to know if you have thoughts and or intentions of harming yourself, because when I saw you there, frozen, I thought for a second that you were not going to drop that knife."
JJ started fumbling with her hands and continued to stare at them.
"Jayje, please look at me."
She slowly lifted her head and began: "I... I never... I had never seriously considered committing suicide, because I know what that does to the loved one's... but back there was the first time that I could really understand Ros and it seemed so rational to just end it all, no more pain, no more problems..."
Emily started tearing up at hearing these words, but knew that she had to keep it together for her best friend.
"And I know that I don't want that for Henry or for y... for you but at that moment I .. didn't care, I just felt apathy. I ... I just didn't care for my life anymore."
"And what about right now?", Emily asked carefully.
"I... I'm scared, Emily. I don't know, I don't want to kill myself but I just... I can't deal with all of this. I just want it all to stop."
Emily's heart broke for her friend, she swallowed and then said: "I can only imagine how hard this must be. I can totally understand why you're feeling this way, I wish I could take it all off your shoulders, but I can't. And i don't think That i am enough to help you. I'll stay by your side, but I think we should get some professional help. Now I need to know: Are you a danger to yourself or can you promise me that you are safe and that you can tell me if you can't promise that anymore?"
"I think I'm safe for now, talking with you really helped me get out of it and I know that I need help..."
"Okay, so I would suggest that we go to your general practitioner today to get a referral and hear what they think.
"Yeah, okay. Thank you Em, I don't know what I would do without you... and I'm so sorry for shutting you out and snapping at you."
"It's fine, JJ, I understand it, no need for apology. I'm here for you."
A/n: Please tell me if you've got any ideas or suggestions for how you want me to keep going. Constructive criticism is always appreciated, but please be aware that the topic of suicide is something that I'm dealing with, too.
