Ch. 30
After I slept on my threadbare bedding that barely kept away the cold from the floor, my body was in state of half-awake and half-asleep when Auntie gently shook my arm. The sun had not yet risen. I forced my eyes open.
Inside, I still felt the dread and distaste of my actions from the night before. My body had a curious unwelcome ache that I had not experienced since my mizuage. Still, I must face what was and what the consequences of my actions would be, whatever they may be.
Auntie was still coughing and her frail body was trembling with each cough. Being mindful of the rest of the still sleeping household, I whispered "Auntie, please go back to bed. You are unwell and the floor is cold." Auntie shook her head, covering her mouth to stifle the sounds of her cough and motioned me to follow her.
Casting a wary glance around the cold room, I followed her after stopping to quickly smooth out the wrinkles in my bedding. Goodness who knew who would notice. But the small gesture comforted me.
Auntie, clutching her chest and stifling coughs, led the way to the kitchen. After checking that no one had followed us, Auntie, withdrew from her robe that barely hid the appearance of her skeletal body, an envelope that was thick and bulging.
"For you" she rasped. "I saved most of the money Mother gave me for medicine." She pushed the envelope into my hands. I was bewildered.
"Auntie!" I said helplessly, trying to force the envelope back into Auntie's hands.
"I'm an old woman and dying, Sayuri" Auntie said simply. "The medicine is not going to save me, but this may save you."
Embarrassed, I cast my eyes to the floor. "You said it was unlikely that…" I stopped because I could not force myself to say more.
"It is unlikely" Auntie admitted. "However, these are uncertain times. I said what I said because it needed to be done. But none of us knows what the future holds."
Auntie thrust the envelope into my cold hands. I felt the weight of the money and felt nauseous.
"There is the name and address of an abortionist who knows his trade well, as well as enough money to secure his services."
"Herbs would have been cheaper" I murmured, feeling the weight of the money through the envelope.
"They are not fool proof!" Auntie admonished quietly. "Who has the time to gather fresh herbs when bombs are raining down on us?" She stifled another cough. "Only a fool would buy what the charlatan herbalists are selling now."
"Sayuri, you are the daughter of the okiya. No doubt Mother would welcome a connection to someone as powerful as Tanaka. I am not long for this world and getting Tanaka to recognize any child would take considerable resources we don't have, still I would not put it past Mother to try."
"I would never bear a child of Tanaka's!" I hissed quietly. My breath made a short mist in the cold air. Auntie gave me one of the looks she used to give me as a child. It was full of pity and spoke to the child that was accustomed to making foolish mistakes.
"Then take this and hide it well to ensure that you don't" Auntie said firmly. "You made your choice when you laid your body down to Tanaka." My face went red from shame.
"I helped you because I understand your feelings for Nobu-san. But I also helped you because I don't want you to end up like Hatsumomo-san." Auntie looked away, as if the words tasted bitter as they sounded coming from her mouth.
"This war is not going to last forever. Whatever patronage the Chairman is offering Mother is like a leaf, ready to blow away. Anyways, no one really knows the true father of the child she carries. But you, Sayuri? Your career has just begun. You are still beautiful and young. Your career must not be ruined by a child, especially a child of this nature!"
"But the Chairman is prestigious, like Nobu-san, and if the child turned out to be a girl…" I began. Auntie glared at me and stifled another cough.
"You forgot you are the daughter this okiya, Sayuri. Even if Hatsumomo bears a girl child, you still stand to inherit everything. Besides, use your mind and think! Truly think. Everyone knows Hatsumomo and her nature to spread her legs for anything that is remotely handsome. Who really knows if this child of hers is in fact the Chairman's?"
Auntie's words stunned me into silence. At last, Auntie had found a viable hold in my thinking that I was willing to listen to.
"The Chairman would never!" I whispered fiercely.
"What man would never not do?" Auntie shrugged in her threadbare robe. "Men are men and you are a geisha. You should know this by now. Any man would lie down with a pretty face, as Tanaka did." I closed my eyes, knowing what Auntie said was true.
"Auntie, Nobu-san can never find out" I breathed, with my eyes still closed shut. "He will never forgive me."
Auntie placed a think wrinkled hand on my arm. "He will never find out if you take caution, Sayuri."
With my eyes still closed against the world, I said "Tanaka is no silent stone. He fairly bragged about it last night. I'm afraid Nobu-san will find out in the worst way."
"Sayuri, these are uncertain times. Who is to say Tanaka will survive this war? Who is to say any of us will survive this war?"
"I could have sworn Pumpkin saw me return last night" I murmured.
"Pumpkin. That useless girl! Always falling in Hatsumomo's shadow but always failing, that one is not a true geisha."
Auntie gave a quiet sigh. I thought back to Pumpkin and our shared girlhood.
"I am not long for this world, Sayuri. It is time you take responsibility for yourself" Auntie said. "If you give Pumpkin power by cowering in your shadow, then you only have yourself to blame."
"I am sorry" I apologized to Auntie.
Auntie coughed angrily. "Don't be sorry, Sayuri. Be smarter!"
"Always too much water" Auntie coughed. "Since the day you arrived here, always too much water, but I held out hope for you because I thought you were smarter than the rest."
I got down on the cold floor of the kitchen and bowed low to Auntie on my hands and knees. "I am sorry, Auntie. I vow to you that I will do better in the future."
"Get off the floor, foolish girl!" Auntie coughed. "I have little use for your pretty bows now. You need to put what I gave to you to good use. For once, use your Monkey schemes to help yourself, Sayuri. This is the only way you can help yourself."
"Nobu will never forgive me" I murmured sadly, still on the cold floor. Auntie shook her head.
"I got Mother to agree to allow Mameha to be your older sister because I thought she had something to teach you about men. Nobu-san is in no position to cast blame at you at this moment." I shivered involuntarily.
"What Nobu-san knows or doesn't know will be what it will be, Sayuri" Auntie warned me. "If you take care, he may never know." I thought of Tanaka, but bit back my words. It was clear that Auntie was tiring. The cold of the kitchen and our whispered conversation had wearied her.
Auntie was right. I must think for myself. I was extremely grateful that Auntie had given me her precious savings in case my one night with Tanaka had given me a child. Mother would have never allowed me access to the funds to get rid of it in case it turned out to be a girl child.
I got off my knees and gave Auntie a short bow. "Thank you" I whispered.
"Remember, Sayuri" Auntie leaned forward so our foreheads almost touched, "I am not long for this world. Do not tell anyone where you hide this money, not even me."
Auntie kept to her bed for the rest of the day. Our morning talk had completely exhausted her. I kept the envelope of money with the abortionist's name tied into the binding of my upper under robe.
I was forever conscious of its weight and the weight of its secrecy as I went about my daily work. I did not trust it in the okiya. Not until I contemplated a safe place for it. But where? My room and make-up stand, bare as it was—was entirely out of the question. I learned that lesson from Hatsumomo.
I considered the garden, but we were growing small vegetable patches to supplement our meager rations. Someone weeding the garden could uncover it.
No. I had to think of somewhere better. It had to be waterproof and fire proof. With Pumpkin haunting the okiya like Hatsumomo's ghost, it was difficult to think of a safe place.
Auntie had told me she was not long for this world. Still, Auntie gave me the money and the name of the abortionist to secure my future. Therefore, it was my decision as to how I was going to safeguard it.
I decided to tell Mameha.
After all, Mameha was my sworn sister. We had clapped our hands together in front of the Gods and declared our sisterhood. Should anything happen to Auntie, and if the worst should come from my night with Tanaka, I needed another woman.
Mameha was always secure in her own popularity and confidence. She never gave me any reason to doubt her or to suspect jealousy induced scheming that was common in Gion and very much thriving in my own okiya with Pumpkin, despite Hatsumomo's absence.
Yes, Mameha was a complete source of discretion.
Once I finished my work for the day, I went to see Mameha on the pretext of borrowing some old make-up jars for pickling vegetables.
I felt uneasy making the short trip to Mameha's apartment with the thick envelope hidden in my underclothes. I felt that everyone could tell that there was a suspicious bulge in my clothing. My clothes hung loose on my thin frame, but with the war, it seemed that everyone would be hiding their most precious valuables on their person in case of an air raid or fire.
I wiped the sweat of nervousness from my brow before entering Mameha's apartment foyer and taking off my cheap sandals made from rough woven straw.
"Sayuri?" Mameha's voice was surprised as she was carrying a wooden basket of rough garments that in former days would have never touched her delicate white skin.
"I apologize for the abruptness of my visit" I bowed formally. "Mameha-san, I really must speak with you in private. I'm afraid I don't have much time."
"Of course, Sayuri!" Mameha said, putting the basket down. "Please do come in."
I followed Mameha into her apartment. Before the war, Mameha's apartment had fresh tatami mats as well as new paper screens that were replaced every two weeks. Now that there was no demand for geisha, Mameha had been forced to reduce her living expenses, like the rest of us. Electricity was rationed but Mameha had lit a few small candles so that her apartment could be navigated through without major mishap. Still, it was dark.
"I'm sorry I don't have any fresh tea to offer you" Mameha apologized as she offered me lukewarm water from a heavy thermos. It had a scant sprinkling of tea leaves for flavor.
"Please do not apologize to me, Mameha." I sipped the warm water, grateful for something to do with my nervous hands. "I should have remembered to bring you some tea from our okiya."
"It's not necessary" Mameha said, gracefully picking up her own cup and pouring from the thermos. In the semi-darkness, it was like the war had never happened and we were sitting in the Ichiriki tea house, drinking fresh tea and chatting congenially about clients and work.
For a moment, I was tempted to lose myself in this moment of semi-darkness and not tell Mameha what I had done with Tanaka. However, I felt the heaviness of the envelope against my body.
"I hope everyone is well at your okiya?" Mameha asked.
"You know of Auntie's situation" I said, taking a sip of my water. Mameha was one of the few who knew about Auntie's diagnosis. The strength of our relationship as sisters assured me of her silence on this matter.
"Yes" Mameha sighed. "I never had an opinion of her myself, but still, it's a shame, and to happen now. Is there anything to be done?"
"Mother has provided medicine, of course."
"Of course." Mameha agreed. "That woman would never let a member of her family go for need of anything that was absolutely necessary. Thank goodness Mother was never forced to adopt Hatsumomo. I could only imagine the worst happening to the okiya."
"Hatsumomo may still have a girl child" I said ominously.
"She may give birth to a girl, but what of it? You are still the acknowledged daughter of the okiya. Mrs. Nitta has no real long-term use for that woman, even if the Chairman is giving her a considerable sum of money." Mameha, like Auntie and Mother, knew that Nobu-san was not the true father of Hatsumomo's child but was pretending so for the Chairman's sake.
I was quiet, thinking about Nobu and the situation that I had put myself in. No doubt Mameha was thinking that I was still harboring feelings for the Chairman.
"Sayuri" Mameha began gently, "Why are you really here? Your eyes are still so expressive, like troubled lakes."
"It is about Nobu-san. Oh Mameha-san, I have done something terrible!"
"You are still alive and not in prison" Mameha said practically. "What did you do?"
"I slept with Tanaka for money, for Nobu-san. You must know he is in prison."
Mameha nodded slowly; she was unsurprised.
"Do you think the money is enough to get Nobu out?"
I quickly undid the bindings of my under robe and held out the envelope. Mameha took it and weighed it in her hands cautiously.
"It seems like a large sum of money" Mameha said carefully, "But Sayuri, paper money is not what it was. You must remember that rice and fuel are now the most precious things for survival."
"For people like us, perhaps, but what about a government official? Does money still hold weight to bribe someone like them to help Nobu-san?"
"Perhaps" Mameha said slowly, pondering. "It would have to be a mid-level official, at the very least." I must have looked dismayed.
"Don't give up, Sayuri! I am only being cautious. Nobu's very existence depends on acting practical. Bribing government officials now is a risky business." I nodded miserably.
"Mameha-san, please at least consider hiding the money for me. You know what its like at my okiya. Hatsumomo may be gone but with Mother and Pumpkin…"
"I was considering taking in extra boarders but with the constant air raids, I think it would be a bother" Mameha said. "Of course, I will keep the money for you. But first we must count it."
I had added to the envelope the money that Tanaka had given me. I had not risked counting it in the okiya.
Carefully, Mameha's long tapered fingers began counting the money, but she paused when she came across a scrap of paper. She read the name and her eyes widened.
"Sayuri-san, Tanaka did not give you this."
"No, Auntie gave it to me" I said, my face flushed. "It has been awhile since I had my courses, but Auntie thought it would be prudent."
"Auntie thought well" Mameha said, studying the name. "This man knows his trade well. You will be in good hands if it comes to that." With a pang of guilt, I remembered that Mameha had undergone abortions when the Baron was her Danna.
"I did not wish to cause you any troubling memories, One-san" I said earnestly.
"Don't trouble yourself apologizing, Sayuri" Mameha said. "You were right to come to me with this. You must learn as I did-to accept what is in the past, is in the past."
I bit my lip, thinking of Nobu-san.
"I know you are thinking of Nobu-san, Sayuri" Mameha's ever calm voice broke into my reverie of self-torture. "But you must think ahead. Now how much money we should keep back for the abortionist?" she mused.
"Mameha-san!"
"Sayuri, don't be a fool. Do you really wish to have a child by Tanaka?" I was mute. "I didn't think so." Mameha began deftly sorting the money into two different piles.
"There, that should do it!" Mameha said with no small amount of satisfaction. "Now I know the perfect place to hide it." She got up and began to rummage around the almost bare shelves of her once opulent closet that once held so many beautiful kimonos in the past.
Mameha came back holding what looked like an extremely heavy but small metal box. Her slender writs strained under its weight.
Placing it cautiously on the table, Mameha let out a breath. "A small left-over from the Baron."
"What is it?" I asked cautiously. "It looks like its western made."
"It is." Mameha laughed. "The Baron brought and kept it at my apartment when you ruined my white kimono all those years ago."
"I am so sorry for that, Mameha" I apologized. Mameha waived away my apology.
"It was meant to be, clearly" Mameha said. "The Baron was so paranoid about maids stealing from him that he brought this western made safe and kept it here for whenever he spent the night." Mameha pointed to the safe.
"Those are western numbers, so we don't have to worry about losing the key. I know the combination."
"Thank you so much, One-san" I said earnestly.
"One less worry" Mameha agreed. "Now to think about the government official to approach."
"Hideo-san might know someone" I offered tentatively. Mameha gave me a look of impatience.
"No, Sayuri, if Nobu-san is to know nothing about Tanaka, it cannot come from Hideo. No, I will approach someone." At once my heart warmed at the lengths that Mameha was going for my sake. I had been prepared to do anything, even get caught for bribery after the events of last night.
"I am deeply in your debt."
"You forget, Sayuri, Nobu-san has been kind to me as well for many years." Mameha unlocked the curious looking western safe and carefully placed the money inside. She closed its small door and I could hear the click of the lock.
"Now go back to your okiya. I will think of the best person to approach. The less you know, the better." She began to usher me towards the door. Mameha paused for a moment.
"Sayuri, one last thing. Remember to keep out for any signs" Mameha cautioned. I was immediately confused.
"Signs?"
"Of pregnancy." I must have looked as stupid as I felt. Mameha took pity on me.
"It is different with every woman. I should know" she muttered. "But now that you no longer have your courses to depend on, there are some signs that will let you know if you are pregnant. Maybe it will be a smell or the taste of food that you will find overpowering, or you could feel faint and tired." I felt overwhelmed at the list of symptoms Mameha was describing.
"Remember to come me as soon you feel any of those signs and we will go to the doctor immediately."
"I will" I managed to say.
"Try not to worry overmuch" Mameha comforted me. "Auntie was being kind to you when she had the foresight to give the doctor's name. It is only a precaution, Sayuri, nothing more."
"Yes" I managed to say again.
"These things are matters only women will understand," Mameha cautioned. "It says nothing about what you may feel towards Nobu-san, even though you may feel differently just now."
"I feel like I betrayed Nobu-san. I might as well have stabbed him in the back with a knife!" Mameha sighed.
"You did what you had to do." Mameha rubbed her head tiredly. "We all have to make hard decisions in this life, you are no different than anyone else in that regard, Sayuri. If you truly believe that Nobu-san cares for you as I think he does, then you will do this, for him."
