CHAPTER 2

"Am I being stupid?"

Had the conversation not been about such a serious topic she would have lightly chuckled at his question, knowing her husband's propensity to worry about resting his burdens on other people. She wished he wouldn't worry about such things, but she also knew that this concern reflected an intimate part of who he was. Part of it was pride, but mostly it is was a genuine sensitivity to the people around him. Always willing to bear the burdens of another, rarely was he willing to burden someone else, especially not knowing if that person was having a rough go.

"No. You aren't. Very clearly, there is a reason why you feel the way you feel. I'm not going to lie, Hank. I don't understand what it's like to be a fireman. I don't understand what it's like to see the things that you see and experience all of those horrible things. But I know what it's like to be married to a firefighter. I know what it's like to watch you come home after a bad shift. No matter how badly you want to scream or sulk, go out for a drive or shut yourself in the garage, you sacrifice that desire for me and the girls. You put aside your need to have some space so that you can help Ally with her math homework. Instead of taking a drive with your rock music blasting, you offer to bring Lisa to her dance class. When you want to go to the garage to work on one of your projects, you always turn around and look at what I'm doing. If I'm doing the dishes, you come dry them. If I'm cleaning, you grab a rag. If I'm reading, you ask me if I'd like some tea."

"But those are all small things." He interrupted.

"Small, yes. But unnoticed? No. In fact, I'd say that those small actions are underappreciated by me. You might have been at a fire for five hours, yet you come home and help me and the girls. You make sure that we are okay before you take time to unwind. It might seem like small things, but they aren't. Not to us. I had to make a lot of sacrifices when I married you. We both know that. I knew that I wouldn't be able to count on having you home every night, for one. But you know what? Not having you home every night makes me appreciate those other nights so much more. It's taught me to not take anything for granted. Our life may not be romanticized image we see in the movies, but it's our life. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"You wouldn't?"

"No. I don't regret the choices that we've made. Maybe I regret the consequences of some of them. But where would we be without those experiences? How much would we never have learned if we didn't make mistakes?"

"I never thought of it that way."

A pensive silence encompassed them as they considered their conversation. Rubbing his thumb against her hand, a considerably lighter countenance appeared on his face.

"Em? Thank you for listening to me. There's still a lot that I haven't figured out yet. I know that some of it has to do with feeling like I'm not good enough for you and the girls. The guys in the department are my family too, so it's hard to differentiate work life from home life sometimes, since I'm so emotionally invested in their welfare."

"And that's why you're such a great captain Hank! You take that extra step, run that extra mile. You don't just ask your boys how they're doing, if they're okay. You make sure that they are. I know it's not quite the same, but whenever I bring Lisa to a dance class and she's doing some of those gymnastics skills, it terrifies me. I know she loves it and wants to do it, but as her parent, I don't want her to because I'm afraid that she's going to get hurt. And if she did get hurt, whose fault would it be? As I said I know it's different…"

"…different than when I send a man into a burning building?"

"Well yes."

"Actually, it's not all that different." He paused. "The concept is still the same. Especially since I think of those guys as my…brothers and sons."

A lightbulb went off in his head. He jumped up, pacing the room.

"Em! That's it! That's why I'm so hung up on this dream. Every time, it's not just my crew who feel betrayed. It's my family that feels betrayed. I'm their father and I let them down. And I'm just so damn scared that I will let them down because I have in the past. And if I'm chief, well that's a whole lot of other people that I might let down."

He was half elated and half frustrated at this revelation. If this situation was a structure fire, he would have known where to place the lines and how to position his men to knock down the flames. He could have read the flames and predicted what they would do next. Emotions, sentiment. That's a different type of fire. One that isn't taught about at the academy. Hank just hoped that he would learn how to damp the flames of something physically intangible.

"Honey, there's something else that I haven't told you. The...uh...exam results. They came in the mail yesterday."

"WHAT?! You didn't tell me! Well did you pass?"

"I never opened the envelope."

"What? Why?"

"I was too nervous. I had gotten home from the station and the girls were still here, then I got thinking about the test and I decided I would wait until I was alone…Then I realized that I needed you here with me when I opened it."

An encouraging smile stretched across her face, nodding in understanding.

"Well, Hank? Go get that letter. Let's open it."

"Yeah, we'd better. I don't think we're going back to sleep anyways," he half-mumbled glancing at the alarm clock, feet firmly planted in place.

"Well, aren't you going to get it?"

"What? Oh, the letter! Well it's…umm…" he hesitated, a little embarrassed to admit the truth to his wife. "It's in my pillow case."

An uncomfortable smile found its way to his lips. She stared at him. She stared at the pillow. She fixed her eyes back to him.

"You slept with your exam results UNDER your pillow?"

"I did…you see…I've been a little distraught over this."

A few moments of uncomfortable eye shifting later, their eyes locked at they burst out laughing.

"Oh Hank!"

He sat on the bed and she sat behind him, wrapping her body around him.

"Okay." He took a deep breath and tore the envelop open. "Let's see what we've got."

Dear Captain Henry Stanley,

We thank you for your dedication to the Los Angeles County Fire Department and admire your twenty years of service. For the past six years you have been Captain of Station 51, displaying honorable courage and fortitude in adverse situations. It has been by your determination and skill that innumerable victims have been rescued and saved. Additionally, it is not without notice that you, on countless occasions, have risked your own life in order to aid a fellow fireman during rescues and fires. As previously disclosed, these actions were taken into consideration during the evaluation of your examination for Battalion Chief.

We congratulate you for the courage to pursue such a pivotal position in our department. After careful consideration of your examination, we are pleased to inform you of your placement onto the Promotional Chief's List. Your score was one of the highest to date, indicating not just well-rounded knowledge, but a dedication to continuous learning, a trait essential for any member of the LACoFD, especially those in positions of higher authority.

Additionally, placing in the first position on the list, you will be given first choice for any Battalion Chief openings for the next year. We do not yet have any information about openings that we are able to share, but as information is released, Battalion 14 Chief McConnicke will be in contact with you.

Kindest Regards,

James Page

Battalion Chief

"Oh my goodness."

"Hank!"

"Oh my…I did it. I…I passed!"