Attention to all concerned lemon incoming at the end of this chapter!
They both were cleared during their psych evaluation but both of them stayed quiet after it and didn't speak for a long time. Hinata wanted nothing but to lay in the bed and rest. She was drained of any energy she had in the morning and felt an incoming headache. So when they came back home she didn't even bother explaining herself before she was under the sheets. She hid her head under the blanket trying to block sounds and light from her ears and eyes.
It wasn't that what happened was that horrible. But it was exhausting to the limits. The first part was simply talking and she was okay with that. She explained why she's left, what she's been doing and everything the doctor wanted to know. She was glad that Ino wasn't the one to do that evaluation. Telling all these things was easier when the person in front of her was unfamiliar. But when it came to checking her mental state in Yamanaka kind of way everything changed. They went in deep and she tried not to put up any blockages but some memories that came to the surface were bringing her defense systems to life and every one of them had to be defeated. This plus reliving some of the hardest parts of her past was more exhausting than a six hour run. Now she had a kaleidoscope filled with everything she saw back there. Of course there was Neji but there was also her father, his disapproval and dissatisfaction. There was her mother or to be more precise - overwhelming sadness due to her death. There was the whole war, Pain, Naruto and a lot of other things she didn't even remember. Yet every one of them hurt so bad. It all felt as if all these scars were cut open back again and she remembered how long some of them took to patch. She was breathing in and out and concentrating on that. She had to be alone now.
Sasuke on the other hand was fighting a different battle. He wasn't tired, he was furious. Every inch of his body was ready to burn the whole village down. His memories also put a dagger over and over again into his heart but he didn't care about this pain in a way Hinata did. He wanted to put a blame on somebody for all the things that had happened to him. And the only thing that came to mind was that this whole village was rotten to the ground and needed to be burned. Inside of his head there was a battle between emotions and sanity. He wanted to go to her and feel her, to be with her but he saw the state she was in and decided to give her space. But being alone with his thoughts never was healthy in his case. During the evaluation he's almost lashed out at the guy in front of him but he's held back. He saw his family, before and after. He saw Danzo, Madara and Orochimaru. He saw hurt and anger in the eyes of so many people and the only person to blame for the latter was him. He knew most of what he went through was caused by his stupid decisions. There was so much hate in his life and what he realized was that he now hated himself even more than he used to hate Itachi or Danzo or even Konoha itself.
In that moment Sasuke realized how serious his state was. He's never really paid much attention to it. He was even surprised that he was cleared to go on missions again and found it almost hilarious how easy it was to be a ninja even though you were a wreck inside. He remembered Zabuza. A broken man. Madara. Broken. Obito… All of them were in some way unwell and it didn't go well. He's been where all of them were and he didn't want to go back to this point. He couldn't do it to Naruto and he definitely couldn't do it to Hinata. But what was there that he could do to avoid going down the rabbit hole of crazy?
When she finally was ready to face the world she unwrapped herself from the blanket and sad up. She looked in search of Sasuke and she found him really quick. He was sitting on the floor with his hands covering his face. His fingers pulling on his hair. She felt her heard drop. How could she have been so selfish and not even check on him earlier? She came to him and grasped one of his arms. He stopped pulling his hair but he didn't show her his face still. She sat next to him and started petting his hair.
„Do you want to talk about it?" She asked him in a quiet voice.
„I don't know Hinata" his voice was absent and she felt a shiver go down her spine.
„At least come and sit on the couch" he moved very slowly. When he pulled his hands away from his face she saw that we was in a horrible state. She helped him stand up and both of them went to the couch that was still and unmade bed. When he lied down she sat next to him and took his hand in hers. He's definitely been crying she judged on how red and swollen his eyelids were. He looked at her and their eyes met. He looked almost the same as when he was against them all and she almost felt scared. His eyes were empty with a hint of hate in them. His face was expressionless. She had to look away from him, she didn't want him to see the fear that was slowly forming inside of her instead she kept on running her fingers across his hand. When he didn't say anything she felt helplessness washing over her and tears started forming in the corners of her eyes. That he couldn't see for sure so she let go of his hand and went into the bathroom. When the door were closed she looked at herself in the mirror above the sink. He wasn't okay and she didn't know how to reach him in this state without making it all about herself by crying or yelling. She washed her face and closed eyes. After a few deep breaths she was ready to go back to him.
He knew he was hurting her now by not responding but that was all he could do in this particular moment. He felt guilty for not answering, for not hugging her. When she was the one to cut the connection of their eyes he was almost grateful. He must have looked unwelcoming at least. But when she disappeared behind the bathroom door suddenly fear took over him. Did he scare her? When he heard the door opening he almost sighed with relief.
„I'm sorry" he said and winced at the sound of his own voice. Cold.
„You have nothing to apologize for" she said and smiled for a brief second to reassure him that she was telling the truth. And it was but she didn't feel comfortable yet. He still didn't look like Sasuke she knew so she decided to be careful about her actions. „Do you want to eat something?"
„Not really hungry right now" he almost cursed because of the fact that his voice still sounded this way. He looked at her again and saw a shadow in her eyes. The same one he saw in so many people before, fear. She did fear him and this fact almost crushed him. „You don't have to be scared, I'm sorry Hinata" and now his voice was almost back to normal. He saw that she was trying to stay calm so he came to her and took her face into his hands. „Not gonna hurt you" he said and kissed her forehead. When she smiled he let go of her and went back to the bed.
„I wasn't afraid that you'd hurt me, just so you know" and she was telling the truth. She was afraid of losing him, the gentle, funny and loving man. She was afraid of having to see him cross the line he crossed once already. But he didn't believe her. „But we do need to talk. I saw something change in you yesterday and today it's only worse" she didn't know if now was the right time to enter into this conversation.
„Yesterday?" He was confused.
„You seemed off to me. There was something bothering you and don't try to deny it"
„About the letter?"
„No. Earlier when Kurenai was here."
„A… I was just thinking about how hard everything's gotten. I mean I need to do so much to even peacefully live here, prove myself to so many people and I don't even know if I can prove myself to some of them. Not everybody will forgive me, not everybody will accept me here, accept me with you. It was definitely easier when it was just the two of us." She felt for him, she really did. She was unable to imagine how it must feel to be perceived as a threat all the time.
„I'm so sorry about that" she was next to him shortly and hugged him. „Let me help you though. I can be very persuasive" he almost laughed. „And today?" She looked up at him to check how her question was taken in.
„Today I… well I just got to know how much I hated myself" Once again this day she felt her throat tighten. „I used to hate so much people and now there is nobody else to hate but me. All the things I've done in the past are going to keep on haunting me. And all I hope for is not to go all crazy because of this hate I have. It's easy for me to feel it, maybe a little too easy" she almost didn't know what to say.
„You hate yourself?" She asked quietly. „How can you hate yourself?" She wasn't the best person to question that. She's spent so long being super aware of her every flaw and mistake that she understood self hatred, she knew this feeling to the bone.
„I've done so much evil Hinata that better question is how can anybody not? How can you look at me and not think about what I've done, what I wanted to do?"
„You are different now"
„But it doesn't mean that all those things just cease to exist."
„Listen to me Sasuke" Hinata made sure that he was looking at her. „Everybody makes mistakes, bigger or smaller but it doesn't mean that they don't deserve a second chance. And that's what you got a second chance to be what you can be. And I don't know anybody who would work harder to redeem himself. I love the man you are and I can't imagine my life if you weren't given that second chance. Without it we wouldn't have met and you wouldn't be able to make me better." She was out of words. What could she say to him to change his mind about himself? She probably couldn't do it with just words, she would have to work on it for a long time but she knew that she would. „I love you" she said again and kissed him.
***Lemony***
When he felt her lips on his he let everything other go and focused on this moment, this feeling. She was an amazing woman and even if he didn't believe that he deserved her he wasn't going to let her go without a fight. He started taking her shirt off of there and tossed it somewhere on the floor. She looked at him with lust in her eyes. He pinned her down to the bed. Oh how he wanted her, all of her. He took his clothes off quickly and was back on her. He planted a trail of kisses down her throat towards her breasts. When he heard her gasp he smirked and started to play with her nipples. Her fingers were in his hair and he head was turned-up. She was breathing harshly and he knew she was already ready. It didn't take much for her to be but he wanted it to take longer this time, he wanted her on the edge as many times as possible. And that's what he did, she came at least two times before he even took her pants off. She was begging with her eyes for him to come in and that's what he did, slowly and while doing it he looked into her eyes all the time. He loved her so much, everything about her, her mind, her smile, her body, everything. And when they both finished again they laid naked and exhausted.
„We can't end every deep conversation with sex" she said between pants.
„Why?" He smiled and kissed her again.
