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Serein
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The next night, Shari sat down on the couch in her old drinking spot, and looked out the window. The crisis with Severus's health was over, she had been found not guilty and the Dark Lord was dead. Now she could breathe.
She reached deep inside herself and searched for a reason not to drink and found none. She stretched her arm over the back of the couch and retrieved a bottle of whiskey. As she opened it, a sigh came from the chair by the fireplace but she ignored it and took a large swig. Memories of her trafficking years came back and she imagined them burning as the whiskey burned down her throat.
The darkness that had settled into her soul and into her eyes the first night the Dark Lord had taken her into his bed had never left. What had happened to her soul? How did being intimate with such a dark person affect her? Sometimes she was just cooperating to keep herself and her little family alive. Other times she enjoyed it and even initiated it, like the day she saved Severus from torture. Or the day she successfully pulled Voldemort out of a meeting by kissing and loving on him when they were discussing the trio being in the Forest of Dean.
Memories of those dark months assaulted her and tears ran down her cheeks. The day he had tortured her until she bled profusely… The day he had forced her to sit on his lap during a meeting, then humiliated her with a magically spelled orgasm in front of everyone…. The day he had levitated her off, unconscious, and done Merlin knew what to her…. The night she was supposed to be recovering from a very recent miscarriage and he spelled her asleep and had sex with her all night.
When she woke up the next morning, she nursed her hangover until sundown, then started drinking again.
So it became a daily ritual. Drink until she passed out on the couch, wake up next to Severus fully clothed and mumble a worthless apology with a promise she knew she'd break by dinnertime, nurse her hangover, drink again. She felt like an empty shell, with nothing but a vacant and dark void for a soul.
The days dragged on. Many days, she and Severus barely spoke. Once in a while, late at night, the loneliness got to her and she'd climb on his lap and come on to him. She'd kiss, strip and tease until he had a hard time turning her down.
But most days, she was too overwhelmed with memories to even look at him. Gang members and johns, Albus Dumbledore, Voldemort, Mad Eye Moody, the Muggle woman, Bellatrix, Tonks who lay critically injured in St. Mungo's, her exes and her daughter. They all fought for attention in her mind, driving her to drink until she was numb and then kept on until she was out cold.
Three drunken months after the battle, she returned home from the liquor store to find the house full of people. Remus was there representing Tonks, who was still hospitalized in a coma due to battle injuries. Arthur and Molly Weasley. Harry Potter. Hermione Granger. Ron Weasley. Kingsley Shacklebolt.
Severus took the bottles from her, then put an arm around her shoulders and led her to a spot on the couch. He sat next to her and Draco sat on her other side.
She looked around the room, unsure what was happening and thankful for the long sleeves covering her arms.
"They're all here because they care about you and because you stepped in and rescued someone they care deeply about. You're an alcoholic and you need help."
"If you hadn't stepped in and saved me, I'm sure I'd be dead right now. Now we just want to help you. Please just let us." Tears ran down Hermione's cheeks as their eyes met. "I will never forget what you did for me." She stood up and grasped Shari's right arm. "Show them what it cost you."
Shari looked down at her right arm and then up at the brunette's face doubtfully. "Go ahead."
She pulled the sleeve up and held her arm out. The jagged red letters stood out against her pale skin.
AMERICAN WHORE
She heard more than one audible gasp.
"Who did that?"
"Bellatrix. Shari jumped between me and a bunch of other Death Eaters and pulled me away from them, then sent me to Shell cottage with her house elf. This was part of her punishment."
"Ron and I would not have escaped without her. She saved us as well." Harry and Ron both nodded at her, and she nodded back.
Severus put an arm around her. "He's gone now, he doesn't call the shots on your life anymore. It's time to actually start living instead of drinking yourself to death."
She looked into the black eyes that she had been avoiding for two months. Now that no one was keeping them apart and they were free to be together, she didn't know how to relate to him anymore after so long. She felt damaged and ugly after what she had allowed Voldemort to do to her and that she didn't deserve him.
"Severus, my soul is damaged. I can see it in my eyes. There's a darkness that wasn't there until last August. He destroyed me."
She noticed people in the room looking at each other and questioning what she meant.
Severus turned her head towards his. "Can I tell them?"
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then opened them again. "Yes, you may." She looked down at the floor, steeling herself.
He looked around at everybody. "This doesn't leave the room. Is that clear?"
Everybody agreed with a wand oath.
"She was his favorite for eight months. He always had one that he'd essentially turn into his sex slave. He called her at least once a month and kept her in his bed usually for two days straight, under threat of harm to Draco and myself, until he would tire of her. That's why she feels her soul is permanently damaged."
The shock in the room was palpable. Shari laid her head against Severus's shoulder and tears long held back began to fall. She'd forgotten how good it felt to be close to him.
After letting her cry for several minutes, he spoke. "St. Bonnacord's Magical Hospital in Amsterdam has a dark magic/substance abuse unit. We want to take you there tonight. They'll help you dry out and then they'll sort out all the damage, both physical and magical."
Now Shari locked eyes with Kingsley Shacklebolt. "They're not going to try to send me to their magical prison, are they? When they see my mark?"
"No. Absolutely not."
"Then I'll go."
"When it's good, then it's good
It's all good till it goes bad
Till you try to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again!
Broken down in agony
Just tryin' to find a friend"
(Pink)
It took Shari less than a half an hour to pack, it wasn't as if she had many belongings.
Severus, Draco and Kingsley accompanied her and they went by portkey to St. Bonnacord's. The Potions Master had sent them an owl ahead of time with a message that she had agreed to treatment.
While she had been passed out drunk two nights before, Severus had called an emergency Order meeting at Nine Vines. He and Draco laid out to them the details of Shari's alcohol abuse and severe depression. They agreed to converge at Spinner's End while she was on her nightly walk to buy more booze. The Minister conversed by owl with the magical hospital and made arrangements for her treatment, provided she agreed to it.
Once there, while she was signing in and saying goodbye to Severus and Draco, Kingsley Shacklebolt was making sure her presence there was kept secret. He also made sure no staff were going to give her a hard time for her dark mark.
After they had taken the portkey back to England to update the rest of the Order, she was taken to an exam room.
Healers gathered around her and performed diagnostic spells. They all spoke English, but conversed in Dutch over her as they encountered more dark spells on a person than they had ever seen.
She was given multiple potions to help cleanse her system of the alcohol, sedate her and to soothe her anxiety. It was her first sober night in two months, and many, many nights over the previous two years had been spent drinking.
Severus had been under orders from the Dark Lord to keep her in the house and drunk so she didn't try to leave again after the liquor store incident. Then she had been tricked, kidnapped and raped, and sank even deeper into her whiskey after killing Albus Dumbledore.
When Voldemort had started bedding her, she drank herself unconscious every night she could and hoped to never wake up.
In the morning, the only clothing she was allowed was a short sleeved gown. The healers believed her to be a suicide risk, and Severus told them about the days she found his poison stash. She wrapped a blanket around herself, but that was taken away as well.
It did not take long for other patients to spot the mark and the carving. 12 hours after her arrival, Shari was in isolation for fighting. Another Brit was on the unit and had started screaming that she was a Death Eater. When the other woman attacked her, Shari laid her flat with one punch, but didn't stop there. The other woman was completely knocked out by the time the fight was broken up.
The first thing the healer told her when she was taken to the isolation room was that she was feeding into everyone's perception that she was a nasty Death Eater.
Shari's eyes blazed. "I am a nasty Death Eater! That's exactly what I am! I tortured an innocent woman with the Cruciatus and murdered her with the killing curse. I'm a fucking monster!"
She jumped up and started pulling at her hair.
"I murdered a man who was manipulated by Albus Dumbledore to the point of believing I had seduced him instead of having been raped."
She sat down on the cot and pulled the blanket around her and wrapped her arms around her knees.
"I opened my legs for the darkest wizard of our time, repeatedly, because to not do so would bring harm to my godson and boyfriend. I want, no I need, a fucking drink!"
She started rocking and tears ran down her cheeks. The thought crossed her mind that she had just confessed to two murders and hoped Kingsley Shacklebolt's promise of immunity stuck.
The healers left her alone at that point. Shari was locked in an isolation room with a toilet sink combo, a pillow, a scratchy blanket and a mattress. It felt like jail. Had they tricked her? Was this really a prison?
She banged her head against the wall repeatedly and screamed that she needed a drink. The healers returned and gave her the Draught of the Living Death.
When she was awakened after 24 hours out and given another 6 hours in the hole, she was allowed to wear her own clothes, including a long sleeved jumper.
The patient she had fought with had been moved to another hospital. Unfortunately, a few others were ready to take her place.
A few hours and a few well thrown punches later, she was back in the hole. She sat for hours in the dimly lit room alone, alternating between crying, screaming for a drink, shaking and sweating and just zoning out. Her head was pounding.
When she heard the door open and then close, she didn't even bother to turn around and look.
"Let me guess. More Draught of the Living Death?"
The baritone voice that answered her surprised the hell out of her. "No, Shari, not if you talk to me."
She jumped up from where she'd been laying on the floor and threw her arms around him.
"Severus!"
"Shhh shhh shhh… They're watching. Not listening, but watching. What's this I hear about you constantly fighting? They wanted me to bring a vial of Draught in here with me, but I told them I could handle you."
She sighed and shook her head. "I know you can. They called you to come here?"
He sat down on the bed, so she sat down on the opposite end.
"Yes, they did. When I owled them that you were on your way, I also told them that if they needed help, to call me. They sent me an owl that you were fighting and I retrieved the portkey from the Ministry and came here. Tell me what's going on with the fighting."
Shari stretched her arms face up out in front of her and studied the mark and the scars, as she had done so many times before.
"There's a handful of Brits here and they saw my mark. They transferred out the first woman I fought with, but this last time two others picked a fight with me over my mark. They also don't like Americans." She held up her right arm, displaying the dark witch's artwork.
Severus shook his head as he looked at it, feeling the old anger from the day it had happened.
"Love, the fighting has to stop. If someone else attacks you, report it and let the healers deal with it. You're here to get better. They're ready to send you away to a hospital in Belgium for criminal wizards with magical maladies. You do not want to go to St. Francoise. It's a prison hospital."
Shari stared at him for a moment. "Kingsley Shacklebolt says I wouldn't be sent to prison."
"Kingsley Shacklebolt also did not intend for you to start fighting with everybody here. I need you to get better. Draco needs you to get better."
She scooted up to him and laid her head on his shoulder. He leaned against the head of the bed and pulled her tightly into his arms. She sighed at the feeling of being close to him.
"Now that we're free to be together, I don't know how to relate to you. Unless it's with sex. It feels like everything we had, or have, was always based on sex."
She felt his chest rise as he took a deep breath. "Yes, it was. I take responsibility for that. I could have restored your magic without it, but it would have just taken longer to control. We can start over when you get back home and do this right."
She smiled up at him. "I would like that very much, Severus Snape."
"But first, you need to get better. I need you to work hard while you're here. You're not beyond help, my love."
"Alright, I will. I promise." She kissed his chest through his shirt, and he kissed the top of her head. Then she snuggled deeper into his chest and soon fell asleep.
Severus sat and held her while she slept, until a healer tapped on the door. He slowly eased her off of his chest and onto the cot, then covered her up with the blanket. He pulled a shirt out of his robe pocket and set it next to her face, and she pulled it close to her. He smiled at the sight of her snuggled up to his shirt, fast asleep.
Outside the isolation room, he turned to the healers. "She hasn't fallen asleep naturally for years, except when it's on my chest. It's always taken Dreamless Sleep, alcohol or a spell to make her go to sleep. There may have been some exceptions, but not many. I gave her a shirt of mine, that's what she's holding next to her face."
The head healer nodded at him. "Thank you for coming, Professor. Has she agreed to stop fighting?"
"Yes, she has." He sighed, hoping she kept her promise.
"Thank you. There's much to be done with her. We will be consulting other healers to assist with her recovery."
He nodded and left, taking the portkey back to England.
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The next morning, Shari woke up alone, but with Severus's shirt next to her face. It smelled like him, like parchment and spices and also lavender.
After she had maintained her calm demeanor all morning, she was allowed out of the hole. While she had been isolated, the British patients had been firmly instructed to leave her alone.
Shari was given her own room instead of sharing a ward with three other women. Every night, she fell asleep clutching his shirt to her face and breathing in his smell. By day, she practiced meditation, exercised and practiced doing daily activities without drinking.
In groups, she explored what her drinking triggers were. Lonely nights were a big one. Being Voldemort's fuck toy was another one. She nearly always drank heavily after his summons. When she talked about that in the groups, she never identified him except as the 'dark wizard' that she served. She shared how this unnamed wizard would call for her at least monthly and spend days having sex with her. She estimated a typical summoning would have 15-20 sexual encounters. She found out other women hospitalized with her had been in similar situations, though Shari was sure they had never encountered anyone as evil as You Know Who.
Over the next few months, she wrote in a journal daily about her drinking and talked to a mind healer experienced with dark magic. She told her all about being the Dark Lord's sex slave and unsuccessful broodmare, and twice being raped by Albus Dumbledore. She showed her the dark mark as well as Bellatrix's artwork.
The healer helped her sort through her many conflicting emotions surrounding Voldemort. She hated who he was and what he stood for. She hated the way he slaughtered innocents.
But she had known her main purpose was to distract him, so she made herself become an enthusiastic lover in his chambers. He in turn gave her pleasure as she fulfilled his kinks and fantasies.
The day she had successfully distracted him away from Severus had turned a point for her. She had suggested various sexual acts to him similar to what he liked and it had worked because the man she truly loved had not been tortured. At her suggestion, he had bound her hands to the headboard. Then he had delivered electric shocks to her nipples and pussy with his wand, spanked her ass repeatedly, then pulled her legs up over his shoulders and fucked her analy.
Months before, he had whispered in her ear while he was on top of her to call him Tom when they were alone, so she had screamed out "Tom" as a powerful orgasm pulled her over the edge. That day was the first time she had actively seduced him and suggested activities.
Shari had a hard time accepting the person she had to be in his chambers with who she really was. She wasn't a dark, evil person, although for months she had believed that. No matter what she told the healer, nothing seemed to phase her. The redhead never once felt judged by the woman in the purple robes.
She was examined by physical/magical healers from Germany and Asia experienced with sexual dark magic. Not only had he said fertility spells, he had also done binding spells that the healers reversed. Magically, Shari belonged to him, until it was all broken.
When her menstrual cycle started, she was in bed with horrendous cramps and heavy bleeding. A healer with specialization in magical gynecology was brought in from South Africa.
Shari had to be sedated for her examination because as soon as the healer said her diagnostic spells over her lower abdomen, she began experiencing intense abdominal pain and bleeding. She was given the Draught of the Living Death and an opiate based pain reliever after several minutes of screaming in pain.
It was then that the torturous spell the Dark Lord had inflicted on her reproductive organs was identified, the day he had bound her to the bed and inflicted pain on her until she was bleeding profusely. It was a dark spell designed to prevent her from ever carrying the child of anyone else. He had actually inserted his wand up into her uterus after magically dilating her cervix and left his magical mark inside of it, similar to his dark mark. Ever since that day, her monthly periods had been long, heavy and exquisitely painful. Summonings had produced terrible cramping that she had been unable to explain at the time.
There was no way to safely reverse it, so they performed a hysterectomy on her to remove his mark from inside her body. They also removed her fallopian tubes and ovaries because the repeated fertility spells had caused chronic inflammation. They were meant to be used once every year or more, not over ten times in a two day stretch like the Dark Lord had done to her at least once a month.
She wrote home the day before the procedure and told Severus what they had found and why they were removing it. She knew he would understand.
He was eating lunch at the Hogwarts head table when her owl arrived. He quickly incinerated the message and motioned for Draco to follow him. On the way up to the owlery, he told the younger wizard about Shari needing surgery. Their godson was no longer a child and knew what Shari had been subjected to, so he told him why she needed it.
A jet black owl was sent out with their response. He understood completely, never wanted children of his own anyway, was glad the damage from the spell was to be removed and that they both loved her. He also asked that she let them know when she was awake again after surgery.
A nurse sent an owl with an update after Shari partially woke up and it was the first words out of her mouth.
"Could you send an owl to my boyfriend in Scotland so he and my godson know I got through the surgery alright? He is a professor at Hogwarts. His name is Severus Snape."
The owl with the news that she was awake and the surgery was successful and uneventful arrived during the NEWT level potions class. The Headmistress brought it right into his class because it was labeled urgent. St. Bonnacord's owl had flown directly to her.
He quickly opened and read it, then sent it over to Draco with a nod. The younger wizard read it, stuffed it in his pocket, nodded back and breathed a sigh of relief.
After the class was over, Hermione approached Draco.
"Was that about Shari?"
He looked up at the brunette in surprise, knowing they never would have had a civilized conversation before the war.
"Yes. She's alright, but if you want to know what's going on with her, you will have to ask her when she comes home."
"Do you know when that will be?" Harry joined his friend and Ron was with him.
"No, not yet." He glanced up at the front of the room and saw his godfather watching the interaction.
Hermione noticed the professor watching them. "Why did she save me? She never really answered my question."
Severus sighed and approached the group. He raised a hand, signaling the students to wait. When the room was empty, he warded the door.
"She was certain that you were about to be tortured and raped and possibly murdered. Unfortunately, I think she was right. Because she was the Dark Lord's favorite at the time, she knew she would be punished but not killed. He didn't do anything to her, it was all Bellatrix and the others with her. No one else could have gotten away with what she did and she knew it."
"But why stick her neck out for me like that?" Hermione shook her head.
"I think you remind her of her daughter that she left behind." The feisty but brilliant brunette did remind him of Shari and her daughter sounded like she was very similar to her mom. "If there's two things she hates, it's bigotry and supremacy. She fought against it in her old life, too."
Draco nodded. "She pulled up memories and let us watch them. She participated in protest marches, helped marchers after they were injured by tear gas and stood up to religious bullies."
"Will you tell her we're all hoping she gets better soon?" Now Hermione was itching to get to know this mysterious woman better.
The professor nodded. "I will. We're sending her an owl shortly." He nodded at his godson. "If you'll excuse us, we need to make our way to the owlery."
The two Slytherins sent off an owl to St. Bonnacord's, telling Shari they loved her and were glad she had gotten through her surgery okay. They did also include that the trio had sent their well wishes but that they didn't know about her surgery.
She stayed in a medical unit for 4 days while they monitored her blood levels and her healing, then she was transferred back to the substance abuse/dark magic unit.
She felt better than she had in months, once the chronic inflammation and the magical mark were gone. Now she felt she could focus solely on her recovery from alcoholism.
She practiced cooking meals without drinking. She practiced spending lazy evenings without drinking. Two other patients pretended to read by a fire like the bookish Slytherins she lived with, and she had to successfully find ways to keep herself occupied that didn't involve whiskey. If she reached back behind the couch, her whiskey storage area, and grabbed the glass of water, she failed.
It took two weeks before she finally felt she could spend a relaxed evening on the couch at Spinner's End without drinking.
But when the healers had her spend a long evening alone, the urge returned and set her back another two weeks.
She took up crocheting and drawing, as well as acquiring all the works of JRR Tolkien that would arrive at their home ahead of her. She was sure Draco and Severus both would enjoy reading them.
She created a piece of artwork that contained the many words relating to rain and their many definitions, set against a background of trees with bright green summer leaves and bark dampened by rain.
Pluviophile:
One who loves the rain.
Petrichor:
The smell of rain on dry earth
Llueve:
The Spanish word for rains
Serein:
The fine, light rain that falls
from a clear sky at sunset
or in the early hours of night;
evening serenity.
Cloudburst:
A sudden and very
heavy rainfall.
Shari kept it near her and would read through it when she felt the urge to drink. It was a form of meditation for her, much like reciting the uses for dragon's blood was for other witches and wizards.
By the time she was ready to return home, the darkness in her eyes was completely gone. She had been at St. Bonnacord's for four months. Every drop of alcohol in the house had been removed in her absence. Even the alcohol based extracts in his home lab were relocated to his lab at Hogwarts.
With her bag next to her, she waited in the lobby for him to arrive. He arrived alone by portkey outside and as soon as he strode through the doors, she ran straight into his arms.
He took her to a cafe in Barcelona and they had their first real date. They discussed JRR Tolkien and she discovered they had both started reading the books she had sent for. She showed him the water color she had created and they discussed the many terms related to rain. He loved the rain as much as she did, and loved to watch it from the windows in his dungeon quarters and office at Hogwarts.
He had his old potions office back, as well as his old classroom. Shari could tell he was happier now that he was no longer Headmaster and no longer a spy. His passion for potions had returned. She realized how poorly she knew this man she had called her boyfriend. He slept with the window open at Hogwarts, he always wore dragon hide boots and always took sugar in his tea. His favorite color was green. He had invented and patented several potions, and had published articles in a renowned potioneering magazine.
While they were talking, it began to rain. They finished eating, paid the bill and walked outside, where they danced in the downpour.
Somebody turned up their car radio for them, and they danced to a love song. Soon, other couples joined them and danced in the rain, too. The owner of the car turned the song on repeat.
"Te amo
Desde el primer momento en que te vi
Y hace tiempo te buscaba
Y ya te imaginaba así
Te amo
Aunque no es tan fácil de decir
Y defino lo que siento
Con estas palabras
Te amo"
(Franco De Vita)
When the music had finally stopped, they stood looking into each other's eyes. She translated for him what it meant.
"I love you
since the first time I saw you
and I've looked for you for awhile
and I already imagined you like this.
I love you
even though it's not so easy to say,
and explain what I feel
with these words.
I love you"
They took the portkey back to the Ministry and then apparated home.
He hung her rain watercolor on the wall above the couch.
That night, she curled up on his chest and slept soundly in his arms. He slept better than he had in months, knowing she was home in his arms and that she was going to be okay.
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If you've never heard the song they danced in the rain to, I recommend finding it on YouTube and listening to it. It's beautiful. I searched Spanish love songs for this fic and fell in love with this one.
