Bill of Wrongs
…
"Ya know, dudes. I don't think that Hawktopus was all it was cracked up to be." Soos said as he yanked at a tentacle clinging to his cheek, tossing it into a nearby trash can as he and the twins wandered their way onto the main street, "I was kinda expecting something with more talons and less suction-cups."
Mabel nodded sagely, her hair a bogged mess of feathers and salt-water, "It was an abhorrent yet majestic show of nature's will."
"Yeah, the author did warn us that it was kinda stupid," Dipper muttered, tucking the journal back into his vest, "Sorry for dragging you guys along so early."
"Don't worry about it, dude. We still got to stop by the Hand-Witch's pad. Her new boyfriend gave me this nifty gift," Soos held up a decapitated hand that waggled its fingers. "Heh, I'm gonna call you Sir Itch-a-lot," he said fondly.
Dipper eyed it nervously, "Yeah, that's probably cursed."
"Definitely." Mabel agreed, before turning and letting out a loud gasp, pointing to a nearby electronics store with a neat row of televisions screens, "Hey look, they're showing it again!"
The three of them scurried their way across the street, Mabel and Dipper squashing their face to the glass as the screens flickered to reveal an actor in his mid-twenties dressed in a cheap nylon jumpsuit and a white wig, facing off against a bedsheet rigged to a series of strings.
"Stop there, ghostly fiend! For I am Danny Phantom, the teenage superhero of Amity Park, and I am here to destroy you with my ghostly powers that only a ghost could have! It's bedtime for you!" the man raised his hand to reveal a flashlight tucked in his sleeve, waving it at the sheet that wailed in horror.
"Will Danny Phantom be able to defeat the daunting Dreamless Duvet and his fleet of petrifying pillows? Tune in tomorrow night for the premiere!" The actor popped up again, his wig sitting lopsided on his head as he gave the camera a cheesy thumbs up.
"Ohmygosh! Dipper, can you believe it! They're making an entire show about Danny Phantom!" Mabel squealed in excitement.
Dipper was staring wide-eyed at the screen, "I still can't get over the production-level, it looks incredible! He's only the coolest guy on the planet!"
"Not to mention he's gorgeous." Mabel fanned herself as she stared dreamily at the screen.
"I heard that they're not even paying royalties to use his image. It's gonna be awesome!" Soos cheered.
"I'm his biggest fan! I'm even wearing his knockoff merchandise right now!" Mabel stated proudly, showing off her black and green turtleneck that read 'Denny Fantum', "Heh, it smells like burnt plastic."
"Could you imagine? Being an actual superhero fighting against the supernatural!" Dipper was nearly vibrating in excitement, "What I wouldn't give to meet him! I have so many questions!"
"Dipper's got a doll that he sleeps with every night," Mabel whispered to Soos.
"What? No, I don't!" Dipper stuttered, "It's an action figure! And I don't sleep with it!"
Danny Phantom's cheesy grin fizzled out to reveal Shandra Jiminez, Gravity Falls' renowned (and really only) news reporter, "We interrupt this program with breaking news."
"Boo!" Mabel jeered at the screen, "This is lame, bring back Phantom!"
"Yeah," Soos laughed, joining in on her chant, "Bring back Phantom! Bring back Phantom!"
"Recent sightings around Gravity Falls have found a mysterious creature sweeping through town causing mass-destruction. Witnesses have been able to capture this image and have concluded that whatever it is, it is most certainly not human." A photo popped up next to the reporter's head, revealing a blurry picture of a humanoid figure, its skin bright yellow and a cane in hand.
The twins gasped, "Bill!"
"All residents are warned to keep their distance. Reports have followed the monster's tirade through Greasy's Diner, before continuing on to terrorise Big Gunz Laser Tag and destroying the Heart-a-Tap Dance Studio, before being chased off by the second street's angry mob. I'm currently here with local lunatic, Fiddelford McGucket. Sir, what do you have to say about this mysterious figure?"
"The dead live again!" screamed McGucket, waving wildly into the camera, "And they've gained a bloodthirsty taste for nachos! I'm heading straight to the store to buy me a step-ladder before they can mine their way into my brains!"
"Right." Shandra stared at McGucket nervously before announcing, "We now have a live broadcast from Mayor Tyler Cutebiker to demonstrate what Gravity Falls' next plan of action should be."
The image on the screen flickered over to a petite man in jean cut-offs and a sash stepping up to a podium. Mayor Cutebiker cleared his throat authoritatively before announcing with shaking fists, "Git 'em! Git 'em!"
"Oh, no!" Dipper snatched Mabel's sleeve, "Do you know what this means?"
"Bill's finally gained a human form, and he's out for vengeance!" Mabel screeched, "Uwaaah!"
"Our experts project that this horrible monstrosity is headed straight for the Mystery Shack," the screen flickered back to the reporter, "Whatever this creature is, we can almost certainly guarantee that it is not from this world, and you should all be absolutely terrified. This is Shandra Jiminez signing off."
"Come on, Dipper! We've got to find Bill before he gets to the Shack!" Mabel yelled as she pounded her way down the street, yanking her brother's sleeve.
"Right! Let's go, Soos! If I know Bill, he's probably headed straight for Grunkle Stan!"
Soos gasped in horror, bellowing, "We'll save you, Mr Pines!"
…
The golf cart screeched to a halt, narrowly missing Gompers who stood chewing on a sneaker. Mabel jumped out of the cart and let out a horrified gasp, pointing to where a set of sludgy fluorescent yellow footprints had squelched their way up the stairs "Look, guys!"
Dipper rushed over beside her to investigate, journal in hand, "It looks like some sort of ectoplasmic secretion. The journal says it's a common symptom of possession."
Soos waddled his way over, staring curiously at the footprints, "Er, are you sure, dudes? It looks more like Lazy Susan's mega-nacho triple-cheese galore combo to me." He dipped a finger into the congealed mess and slurped it into his mouth, "Yep! Tastes just like it!"
Dipper and Mabel looked disgusted before a shrill shriek echoed from the inside of the Shack, "Oh, no! Wendy!"
"Come on, bro-bro! Time to kick some interdimensional butt!" Mabel barked out, yanking her grappling hook free from the golf cart and scrambling up the stairs, Dipper and Soos following after her. With a heave of her foot, she slammed open the door, sending it flying on its hinges.
"Stay where you are, Triangle-head!"
"Whoa! Where's the fire, man?" Wendy from where she was leaning against the vending machine, a bunch of towels in hand.
"W-Wendy? You're okay!" Dipper muttered, relieved, shoving his sister's grappling hook from where it was aimed at her head.
"We thought you'd been attacked by a dream-demon!" Mabel blurted out, bouncing her way over to Wendy's side, Soos and Dipper following after, stepping over the greasy-looking footsteps that wandered their way deeper into the Shack.
Wendy barked out a laugh as she jutted a thumb towards the bathroom through the corridor, "Nah. If anyone's been attacked it's Danny."
"Danny?"
"Ugh! Wendy, I can't get rid of it! I'm going to be seeing sparkles for weeks!" A voice called from the corridor. The three watched as a lean figure wandered into the shop, hair coated in a thick layer of congealed cheese and skin dyed yellow, rubbing his eyes furiously, "Who throws a whole bag of glitter at someone's face?"
Wendy laughed, offering a towel that was immediately snatched up and rubbed furiously against his face. "That's Stan for you, he's been trying out this whole magic gig for the past week – thinks it'll attract the kids or something. You don't even want to know what he does to the pig."
Red-rimmed eyes peeked out from behind the towel, only to immediately slam shut again, "Ow! Ow! Too bright!"
"Hold up, I've got you sorted." Wendy looked around before grabbing a pair of novelty pineapple-shaped sunglasses off a display rack, "Boosh!"
The figure sighed in relief as darkness flooded his vision, "Nice! Thanks, Wendy."
"No problem, man."
"Uh, Wendy… Who's that?" Mabel pointed at the mysterious figure who was making it their sole purpose to scrub the cheese from their hair.
"Hm? Oh, this is Danny." Wendy nudged an elbow into Danny's ribs, who grunted unhappily, "He had a bit of a run-in with Mr Pines at the diner."
"Stupid magic tricks." Danny muttered, running his hand through greasy hair, "Ew."
"Don't trust him, Wendy!" Dipper cried, thrusting the journal out, "That's not just another dumb, mindless tourist. That's Bill, an evil mind-demon who's planning on destroying humanity."
"Bill?" the figure groaned to himself, "I thought I got rid of that stupid name."
"Ha! So you admit it!" Dipper strode forward proudly, tipping his cap, "What's your plan, Bill? Revenge? Mass destruction? You're not gonna get away with it!"
"Boom, saw right through your plans, not-so-inviso-Bill!" Soos exclaimed, earning a high-five from the twins before Mabel pointed her grappling hook at the confused-looking Bill.
"So where are you hiding Grunkle Stan? Tell us before I shoot this thing straight through your dumb yellow head!"
"She'll do it!" Dipper affirmed, "She's crazy with power!"
"Craaaazy." Mabel hissed through her braces.
"I'm not even going to bother asking what a Grunkle is," Not-Danny-but-actually-Bill said, unimpressed, before turning to Wendy, "So can I borrow the shower? I've got like three separate layers of cheese to wash out of my hair."
"Yeah, you need one bad, man. Can't have you walking around smelling like stinky parmesan, you'll scare off the customers."
"Wendy! What are you doing? You can't trust him!" Dipper cried, waving his arms wildly.
Mabel gasped, "He must have her under some sort of mind control! Wendy, you have to snap out of it!"
"What? No, dudes. I'm just letting him use the bathroom."
"I don't hear the sound of tourists being gypped!" The twins turned in delight as Stan wandered his way through the door, his suit covered in specks of glitter, "Ugh! What the heck is all over the floor? Clean this up, you useless bums, what do I even pay you for— whoa!" Grunkle Stan snorted a laugh at the sight of Bill, "What happened to you, fondue? You look like you fell in a vat of Lazy Susan's special cheese supreme!"
Bill scowled from behind his sunglasses before turning back to Wendy, "So the shower's just down the hall, yeah?"
Stan frowned, "What? Shower? Hold up, what do you think you're doing?"
"Grunkle Stan!" Mabel rushed over to the old man, latching onto his leg, "Wendy's been tricked by a dream-demon!"
Dipper gripped onto his other leg nodding wildly, "He's going to try and take over the world, we have to stop him!"
Grunkle Stan wedged his cane between them, dislodging the twins from his legs with a grunt as he strode toward Bill, leaning over him by a few inches. "Tch, I know your type. No creepy yellow-skinned freak is gonna come into my house, taking advantage of my staff and making demands!" he bellowed, "And now you've gotta pay for it!"
"You tell him, Mr Pines!" Soos called out as the twins cheered, "Fight, fight, fight, fight!"
Dipper and Mabel watched excitedly as Grunkle Stan reared a fist, knuckle-dusters gleaming under the fluorescent lights. Bill flinched as the hand came flying down towards his face.
When nothing hit, he peeled his eyes open to see a hand greedily nudging him, "Shower privileges are gonna cost you five bucks."
"Fight, fight fi— wait, what?" Dipper and Mabel stuttered. Soos looked disappointed.
"Five bucks! Are you crazy—! Hold on..." Bill paused, "You're the guy from the diner."
"What? So? Do I owe you some pugs or something? Because you can't prove anything, those dogs are long past the border!"
"No, you're the guy that threw the glitter in my face, making me trip into that vat of gross cheese and tried to bail by shoving me into that laser tag centre! Those stupid lights blinded me even more that I fell right through that dance studio – I smashed nearly every mirror in there! Because of you, that angry mob chased me all the way here! And to top it all off a goat ate my shoe!"
Everyone stared down at Bill's sock-covered foot. Gompers bleated happily from the yard.
"Hey, look on the bright side," Wendy shrugged, planting a top-hat onto his head and shoving a cane into his grip, "You get to keep some pretty cool souvenirs."
"Pssh! Only after that Toby Determined guy threw them at my head. You gotta admit that's some of the worst tap-dancing you've seen, and I was blind!"
Stan turned to Bill with a simpering grin, "Alright, kid, what are you looking for? Hush money? I've got a couple of George Washington's with your name on it. Sounds tempting, right?"
"I could sue you."
"Fine!" Stan shouted, waggling a finger at him, "But you better not use all the hot water! Damn kids. Have no appreciation for magic, it's all 'Ah, my eyes!' or 'Somebody help, it burns!'"
Bill threw him a filthy look before snagging a shirt off a nearby rack and went to follow Wendy deeper into the house. Dipper and Mabel rushed forward, blocking his path.
"Can I help you?" He asked, exasperated.
"The last thing we need is help from the likes of you, Bill. You might've tricked Wendy and Grunkle Stan, but there's no way you're getting past us!" Dipper announced. "Without the journal, there's nothing you can do!"
Bill didn't seem to hear what he said, pointing to his sister's sweater with a frown, "Is that supposed to say 'Danny Phantom'?"
"You know about him?" Mabel asked incredulously.
He seemed to baulk, running a hand through his greasy human hair, "Er, maybe. Can I just get past, please?"
Dipper's eyes narrowed on his twitchy movements, "What? Does Phantom scare you, Bill?"
"It is way too early in the morning for me to get that philosophical. And my name's Danny. Now move it, Pine Tree." With a surprisingly gentle hand, Bill nudged the twins out of the way to trek after Wendy.
The twins gaped after him before whirling around, bounding over to their uncle. "Grunkle Stan, what are you doing? We have to stop him!" Mabel shouted, her sleeves flailing wildly.
"Stop him from what? Upping the water bill?" Stan grunted as he kicked the side of the vending machine to pull out a can of Pitt Cola, taking a long slurp.
"Come on, Grunkle Stan, you have to believe us! That's not just some dumb tourist, he's an interdimensional demon here to take over the world!"
'He's evil, I say, evil!" Mabel screeched.
"Kids, I wouldn't care if he was that Phantom kid you're both obsessed with. I'm one Cease and Desist away from the Feds getting on my tail, and I ain't going back to Columbia anytime soon. So just keep clear of him and don't cause any trouble, you hear me? I don't want to see you two hassling him or I'll ground the both of you. And stop calling him Bill or whatever."
The twins pouted before muttering, "Yes, Grunkle Stan."
"Good. Now go play outside or whatever kids do that doesn't require adult supervision," Stan gave a loud belch before tossing the half-empty can in an overflowing wastebasket, which sloshed onto the floor. "Soos, clean that up. I've gotta go commit fraud— I mean, do my taxes." He winked at the trio before whistling his way into the back room.
"Yes sir, Mr Pines!" Soos gave an eager salute before rushing off to grab a mop.
The twins sighed as they dragged themselves onto the front porch, watching the goat chew languidly on a shoelace, "What are we supposed to do, Dipper? No one believes us!"
Dipper tapped a pencil against his chin before pulling out the journal and flipping it open, "The Journal says there's a pattern that proves that someone is possessed — all we have to do is make Bill slip up enough times to convince the others!"
"Oh, no!" Mabel gave a horrified gasp, snatching the journal, "Listen to this! 'Once a dream-demon is bound to a host they become trapped inside the mindscape.' Dipper, don't you know what this means? Bill's stolen Danny's body and he's stuck in there!" she slammed the book into Dipper's chest in emphasis, making him wheeze, "If Bill's controlling him then that's not Danny, but Not-Danny!"
Dipper cracked open the journal and wheezed out, "'There are three ways to recognise whether a person is possessed; the first is that a demon will appear evidently uncomfortable or twitchy in a new host's skin…"
"Hey," Wendy's voice echoed from inside, "You don't clean up too bad."
Dipper and Mabel hurried over the broken couch to peer into the shop. Not-Danny was leaning casually against the register by Wendy, dressed in a shirt that boldly stated 'I survived the Mystery Shack'. He looked considerably less yellow and his hair was surprisingly a fluffy mess of black. It was a lot harder for Dipper to recognise him now — he'd looked like any other teenager if it wasn't for the dorky sunglasses.
"Oh, no! This is worse than I thought!" Mabel hissed in abject horror, hands clasped over her cheeks, "He's hot!"
"Mabel, focus! That's Bill we're talking about!"
"Right. Sorry."
Wendy's statement was met with a rakish grin from Not-Danny, "Thanks! Now all that gunk is gone it feels like I'm in a whole new body!" Not-Danny stretched his arms over his head before he gave a sharp shiver, "Ugh. Still feel kinda slimy though."
Dipper narrowed his eyes as he scribbled a check by the first symptom as he continued to whisper to Mabel, "Sign two says that a possessed person will dodge all personal questions to avoid being caught out."
"Yeah, just looking at you was giving me the heebie-jeebies." Wendy laughed, "So… I gotta ask, where are the parental units at? You said you're here for a couple of days, yeah?"
"Oh, um… y'know, they're around..."
"Sweet. Well, me and my family are heading out for some barbeque later tonight, if you and the fam aren't busy it might be cool for us all to catch up and hang out."
"No! Er, I mean, they're around, but like… not here! Because, you know, I'm — I mean, we're — just passing through, heh! Totally not flying solo or anything..." the teenager seemed to flush before he pointed at a tub of unpacked merchandise piled up by the sascrotch, "Hey, what's that?"
He nearly catapulted himself off the counter and Dipper gave an even more brusque check next to the second symptom. The twins watched as Not-Danny pulled out a band t-shirt featuring a girl with flaming blue hair and a toy sword that was stabbed through a plastic pumpkin.
"Huh, these don't feel legal."
"Oh, those? Yeah, Mr Pines got them smuggled in off the back of a naturopaths shipment from Mongolia, he's trying to profit off all the ghost hype that's going around after Danny Phantom saved that town from those weird zombie-skeletons and that ghost king or whatever." Wendy waved a hand nonchalantly, as she picked up a bobble-head of the ghostly superhero. "He's planning a whole takeover in time for the premiere of his tv show."
"There's a show now? Why?"
Wendy grinned at him, waggling the figurine in Not-Danny's face who was glaring at it with obtuse dislike, "What, not a fan of the ghost-boy? Come on, I thought everyone loved him!"
"Not everyone," Not-Danny muttered moodily.
"Think you're too cool for him or something? Puh-lease! Not with those pineapples planted on your face. Come on, take them off already, surely you got all the glitter out by now." Wendy continued to mock, swiping playfully at the sunglasses.
Dipper watched with wide eyes as Not-Danny nearly flung himself out of Wendy's reach, gripping the frames tightly to his face, "No way! I just lost the rainbow vision! I'd rather not risk my eyeballs any more today, thank you!"
Dipper's pencil nearly snapped under the pressure when Wendy leaned forward to give him a friendly shove, making the pair laugh. He nearly tore a hole through the journal as he dragged a jagged check next to the third symptom; 'The eyes are the window to the soul. Beware.'
He watched tensely as Not-Danny sent a torrent of dolls at Wendy's head, making her laugh and snatch up a nearby broom like a baseball bat to smack them across the room. They decided to stop once a Plasmius doll ended up impaled on the Grizzlycorn.
"Nice!" He announced raising his hand for a high-five, "Three points!"
Wendy met him half-way, swooping up a nearby doll and lobbing it into the merchandise box, "Bonus points if you can nail it from behind the counter! First to twenty grabs snacks for the gang!"
"Aw, no fair! You're riding the advantage!" Not-Danny whined as he missed the box.
"Well catch up! The others are gonna be here soon to pick us up anyway."
"I still can't believe Soos fell for the chickenpox. You sure he'll cover for you?"
Wendy waved a hand at him, "Dude, I've used this excuse like five times. I knew it would work. Now hurry up, we've gotta smash this before Mr Pines realises I've ditched work for the arcade."
Dipper felt his stomach drop. The arcade? She was going to the arcade with Not-Danny and didn't invite him?
Mabel seemed to hold the same sympathies as she rushed into the room excited, seemingly forgetting who she was talking to, "You guys are going to the arcade? Can we come?"
"Oh hey, Mabel. I was wondering where you and your brother disappeared to. Yeah, Thompson should be coming round with his mum's minivan any minute. Wanna join?"
"Boy, do I?" Mabel was nearly buzzing in excitement, "I'm only fifty tickets away from winning the twenty-pound Yummy Gummy Chummy Bucket!"
"Gross, but cool I guess," Not-Danny gave Mabel a dazzling smile. Dipper watched in horror as Mabel's eyes glazed over.
"No! Mabel, don't fall for it!" He hissed to himself, jamming the journal into his vest pocket and catapulting himself into the shop. He narrowly missed ramming into the register, his face a sweaty mess. Wendy and the others turned to him each with a mixture of confusion, Not-Danny looked particularly perturbed.
"I'm coming too!" He blurted out, fists by his side as he glared up at the dark-haired boy – he had a decent amount of inches on him, nearly as tall as Wendy, but he wasn't about to back down.
Not-Danny blinked owlishly at him before shrugging, "Sure?"
...
This is going to be a three-chapter story. Short, sweet and funny, because I feel everyone deserves some light-hearted fun right now.
