Bill of Wrongs: Chapter 2
…
"Committing tax fraud, doo-doo-doo!" Stan hummed as he scribbled deficits across the stack of papers. With a satisfied grin he scrawled a large zero in thick red pen, "Heh, those numb-skulls at the IRS won't have a clue! And now to simply transfer all my profits through twelve separate European countries of dubious financial credibility."
Snatching his fez up he swaggered his way into the store-front, bellowing, "Soos! I need you to look up the taxation laws for Luxembourg and Malta for reasons I can't legally explain — Great jumping flapjacks! What's going on here?"
The gift shop was so crammed with people Stan was sure the local fire warden would've had an aneurysm on the spot. Customers were skittering their way across the floor, rabidly snatching up the stock off the shelves and rushing to the counter before shaking money-filled fists wildly at Soos who had barricaded himself behind the counter.
"Oh, hey, Mr Pines," Soos called over the screaming of customers, "Er… I don't think I can help you out right now. Kinda busy, y'know. Last time I tried to take a a break the girl scouts started a riot."
"What're all these people doing here – did a tourist bus break down outside or something?" Stan asked as he shoved Soos out of the way to snatch up a crisp fifty-dollar bill from a desperate-looking man, stuffing it into the register with a big grin.
Soos shuffled nervously on the spot, "Not exactly, sir. I was just restocking the latest collectables for Wendy, since she's sick and all, and next thing I know, BAM! Shelves are empty, everyone is yelling, and some little girls are hurling cookies at me — which, honestly, wasn't the worst. They only had the oatmeal kind though."
Stan didn't miss a beat as he snatched up another pair of twenties from a girl who shrieked giddily, "Wait, that stock I got of that 'Darnel Pantomime' or whatever? The dead kid?"
"Excuse me, you need to be more respectful!" sniffed a woman, heaving a large bag over her shoulder, "Danny Phantom is a national hero!"
"Yeesh, lady. I'm sorry. You don't need to haunt me over the details. Ha!" Stan bellowed out a laugh, nudging Soos in his side, "Get it? 'Cause the kid's a ghost!"
The woman slammed a hundred onto the counter and flounced off with her nose held in the air, her bag stuffed to the brim with cheaply stuffed replicas of Danny Phantom, but Stan couldn't bring himself to care, snatching up the crisp bill with unmistakable glee.
"Soos!" He bellowed, making the handyman jump to attention, "Grab all the boxes you can! We're gonna make a fortune!"
…
The ride to the arcade was awkward to say the least. Dipper and Mabel were squished in the back with Not-Danny between them in his stupid sunglasses, knees jammed up to his chest as he tapped away on a phone, smirking. Every so often Wendy's own cell would ping and she'd let out a laugh.
He couldn't help the nasty glare he threw when Wendy turned in her seat to stick her tongue out at Not-Danny, who smiled haughtily in retaliation.
"So, Danny," Dipper started low, sending him a suspicious glare when Wendy turned away, "What are you doing in Gravity Falls exactly?"
Not-Danny blinked as if surprised that Dipper was even bothering to talk to him, "Just enjoying the fresh air — there's nothing like it back home. City life, y'know?"
"And what city is that?" Dipper couldn't hide the preening smirk when Not-Danny's face froze. As if Bill even knew any cities, he was too power-hungry to even care about something like—
"Oh, er… I'm from Amity Park," Not-Danny admitted, looking embarrassed.
Lee immediately swivelled around in his seat, "Dude, did you just say Amity Park?"
"No freaking way! You're from the ghost town? That's awesome!" Nate turned in his own seat to stare, "Have you met Danny Phantom?"
"Sure, a couple of times…" Not-Danny shrugged, the pink leaving his cheeks, "He's saved my school from ghosts more than once."
Both Dipper and Not-Danny jumped when Mabel let off a high-pitched squeal of excitement and snatched his arm, "Ohmygosh! That is the coolest thing ever!"
"Mabel!" Dipper hissed at her, but she waved him off, staring up at Not-Danny with boy-crazy admiration.
"Status update: Weird pineapple kid has actually met the Danny Phantom." Tambry tapped out immediately from the front seat.
"I have a name," Not-Danny frowned from behind his sunglasses. Tambry didn't seem to care.
Dipper couldn't help but feel sick at the admiration plastered on Wendy's face, "Dude, that's so cool! You didn't tell me that you actually knew Phantom! Have you ever been caught in the middle of a ghost fight?"
Not-Danny was trying to peel Mabel's fingers off his arm, "Yeah, it's sorta hard to avoid when your parents are ghost hunters."
"That's metal." Robbie groaned morosely, "I wish my parents had cool jobs."
"Dude, they own a morgue."
"Ugh, I know right? They're so boring!"
Not-Danny was grinning as Thompson pulled into a car park outside of the arcade. With a bit of difficulty the group dragged themselves out of the minivan, Not-Danny knocking Dipper's hat off as he crawled out. He could feel his face burning as he stormed out of the van.
"Yo, Dipper, you okay there? You're not looking too hot." Wendy asked, watching as the others crowded around Not-Danny, flinging questions left and right. Mabel still hadn't let go of Danny's wrist, giving him a beaming, brace-filled smile. Traitor.
"I'm fine," Dipper bit out, tugging his hat lower on his head.
Wendy rolled her eyes, "Sure whatever, man. Come on, let's get a head-start before Thompson gets dared into crawling into the claw machine again. I heard they just got the Doom VR sets in, race ya?"
Dipper's mind immediately cleared of all thoughts, "Totally!" he cheered as Wendy charged ahead, nearly ramming into the automatic doors. The pair raced over to the shiny new arcade machine, embellished in purple and green flames with a black-armoured knight staring menacingly down at them. Four headsets were seated neatly below.
Wendy snatched up the closest one, "I heard the graphics on this game are next-level. There's already been six recalls because it keeps making people hurl."
"That's awesome!" Dipper said as he read the prompter on the screen, "Ugh. Hold up, it says we need four players."
"That's no ish," Wendy waved a reassuring hand at him before yelling out across the arcade floor, "Yo, Danny! Get your butt over here!"
Dipper's stomach dropped as Not-Danny, still dressed in his stupid pineapple sunglasses, wandered over, "What's up? Hey, is that Doom?"
"Heck yeah, dude. Wanna play a round with us?"
"Duh, you're talking to the guy that came twelfth in the national online tournament!" Not-Danny jabbed a thumb at himself proudly.
"What do you want, a participation award?" Dipper muttered snarkily under his breath.
"Whatever, man. I reckon me and Dipper could still wipe the floor with you." Dipper felt his cheeks flush as Wendy threw an arm around him. He smiled smugly up at Not-Danny.
"You're on." Not-Danny's smirk looked near-feral as he whirled on the spot, "Hey, Robbie. Teammates?"
Dipper's face dropped as Robbie sauntered towards them, hands tucked deep in his black hoodie, flicking his hair out of his kohl-lined eyes. He didn't look very impressed with the VR set, but Dipper saw his eyes swivel between him and Not-Danny and whatever he saw made him snigger, "Sure, Tambry's fixing her eyeliner, so I've got a solid fifteen to spare."
Not-Danny snatched the headset next to Dipper with a wide-toothed grin, "I only need five to completely slaughter you guys! Doom is my domain!"
Wendy laughed, punching Not-Danny's shoulder as Robbie playfully threatened him, but Dipper froze. Shivers skittered down his spine as Not-Danny's words echoed through his head.
He'd gotten so caught up with trying to impress Wendy and her friends that he'd forgotten that 'Danny' wasn't just some regular show-off teen — this was Bill; he'd seen what he could do in the mindscape, who knew what he could do inside a virtual reality? Doom really could be his domain!
Sweat began to trickle down his forehead as Wendy and Robbie tugged on their own headsets. His palms felt wet as the screen buzzing to life as the knight on the side of the game fizzled into view, bellowing, "Enter at your own risk!"
Dipper's thoughts were beginning to race through his mind — he couldn't let Bill have the advantage, who knows what he could do?
"Uh, you know what, guys, maybe this isn't such a good idea…" he stuttered out.
"What? Dipper, come on! The game won't start 'til everyone joins!" Wendy said.
Not-Danny's head turned in his direction and a thin smile swept across his face. Dipper's nerves were on fire, "Dude, I was only joking when I said I'd take you out first go. I'm not evil."
"Yeah, you dork. What are you scared you're gonna throw up or something lame?" Robbie laughed, knocking him hard in the shoulder.
Dipper's sweat-covered hands lost their grip on the headset and he watched in horror as it fell onto the platform with a sharp crack! The screen flickered a blinding white, causing Not-Danny to yell in pain as the others ripped their headsets off with matching cries, rubbing their eyes furiously.
"Ohmygosh!" Dipper stuttered out, snatching up the headset to find a deep crack running down the length of it, "I-I'm so sorry—"
"Aw, what the heck, man?" Wendy groaned as she tried to blink the stars away.
"Nice going, loser. You broke the game. You could've just said that you were too chicken to take us on." Robbie spat as he shoved the headset back on the display and stumbling off, "Ugh! Whatever, I'm gonna go find Tambry."
"I-I didn't mean to, I just—"
"You okay, Danny?" Dipper watched as Wendy reached out and placed a hand on Not-Danny's shoulder from where he was hunched over, pressing the palms of his hands into his sockets, "That probably did a number to your eyes, huh?"
"Yeah," Not-Danny croaked out as he blindly reached for his sunglasses, jamming them onto his face without opening his eyes, "I think I'm gonna call it quits on today. Y'know, go find a dark corner and hide in it forever if that's cool with you."
Wendy yanked him to his feet, "Come on, you can hang at my place."
Dipper's brain went into overdrive. This was even worse than he could've imagined, "W-w-wait, Wendy! You can't go with him!"
"Sorry for tanking, dude, but I gotta make sure Danny makes it to my place before he catapults himself through another dance studio or something. We'll hang later!"
"B-but—"
Not-Danny gave an obnoxiously pitiful groan in response as he slouched his way out through the automatic doors, Wendy trailing behind. Dipper narrowed his eyes as he watched after them, his hands clenched into fists.
"Hey, Dipper! Check it out!" Mabel screeched as she rushed over, dragging a ginormous bucket behind her, "I scored enough tickets for the Yummy Gummy Chummy Bucket! And look – I even had enough left over to buy this cool snap bracelet!" With a whip of her wrist, she slapped a fluro-green strip of plastic over Dipper's wrist, "Bwap!"
"Ouch, Mabel!" Dipper yelled, clutching his bedazzled wrist.
"Whoops! Sorry." She reached down and wrenched open the bucket, jamming a handful of gummy worms into her mouth. "Wha'zzup wiff 'ou?"
Dipper shoved his own handful of gummy worms into his mouth, angrily chewing on them, "Bill's up to something. I just can't figure out his game-plan."
Mabel blinked at him, "Dipper, have you considered that maybe we're wrong about Danny? I mean, other than running around covered in cheese there isn't really anything that really screams 'weird' to me. Maybe Danny really is just some guy from out of town."
Dipper threw his hands up in the air, "Mabel, that's exactly what Bill wants us to think! He's waiting for us to get complacent, and next thing you know, boom!"
"Boom?"
"Boom."
Mabel didn't look nearly as concerned as Dipper thought his statement warranted, "Riiiight… Are you sure this is really about Bill? Perhaps this is something a little more… personal? Something to do with Wendy?"
"W-what? No. Wendy? What's any of this got to do with Wendy?" Dipper gave a shaky laugh, wringing his wrists.
Mabel reached over and laid a hand on his shoulder, "Bro, maybe you should stop thinking with that fancy book of yours and maybe a little more with your heart. Danny seems like a really nice guy."
"Not you too! Mabel, if I hadn't dropped that headset Bill would have turned us all into a pile of burnt pixels!"
"So you broke the game!" wheezed a voice behind them. The twins turned to find an angry-looking teen with a wispy moustache and scrappy pony-tail jabbing a finger at a tag that read 'Assistant-Manager'.
The game screen flickered to life and the glitching black knight pointed a finger at Dipper and bellowed, "You're d-d-doomed!"
"...Yeah, no kidding."
…
Dipper groaned at the setting sun as he dragged his body down the dirt path. "Ugh! I can't figure out what hurts more, my arms or my legs."
"Come on, Dipper! Cleaning the arcade wasn't that bad!" Mabel said brightly, nearly vibrating with excitement, "That dorky manager guy let me keep all the gum I scraped." She yanked a deformed ball of mushy pink from her pocket, "I shaped it into a heart."
"Gross, Mabel." Dipper scrunched up his nose as they rounded the corner to the Shack, "You're gonna catch a disease if you— whoa!" The yard was packed with people; both locals and tourists screaming at each other in an all-out brawl, "What's going on?"
"I've never seen the shack so busy before." Mabel marvelled as Manly Dan bulldozed his way through the crowd, roaring at the top of his lungs. Toby Determined had scarpered his way up the totem pole dressed in a long blue wig and twin-strips of eyeliner running down his face, wailing softly for sanctuary.
The twins raced forward, narrowly dodging a woman clawing at an old man's face, only for him to rap her in the knees with his cane, snatching a plastic bag and hobbling off before he was tackled to the ground by a gang of preteens. The shop was nearly bursting at the seams, Dipper could see people squished up against the windows as people banged on the walls demanding to be let in.
He shared a nod with Mabel and the pair dropped to the floor, army crawling their way through the sea of legs toward the counter where an eyepatched Grunkle Stan stood snatching money out of people's hands, laughing maniacally.
"Grunkle Stan! What's going on?" Mabel burst out as a man decked out with gift bags rushed past as a flood of shrieking teenage girls chasing after him.
"Kids! There you are!" Stan grinned down at them, yanking more money out of flailing hands, "Why didn't you tell me how much of a cash-grab that Phantom kid was? I'm really starting to see why everyone likes him so much — he's a goldmine!"
Dipper raised a questioning finger, "Didn't you just say yesterday that you hated him because he was stealing all your tourist traction?"
"Yeah, but that was before I found out the West Coast was completely sold out of merchandise! Now I can't get enough of him! Seriously, they've nearly cleared me out."
Mabel let out a gasp as she rushed over to Stan's side, bouncing on her toes, "Does this mean I can have Candy and Brenda sleep over to watch the premiere with us tomorrow?"
"Even better!" Stan bellowed as the register dinged, "I'm gonna host a party for the whole town to celebrate! We're talking full movie-theater experience, with full movie-theatre prices! Extortion-rate snacks included."
The store erupted in cheers as Mabel leapt onto the counter, nearly knocking Dipper clean off his feet, and thrust her fists into the air chanting, "Phantom! Phantom! Phantom!"
"And to top it off, everything is now double the price!" Grunkle Stan grinned widely, slapping a '200% MORE' sticker over the face of a bobble-headed Klemper who nodded emphatically, "You know what they say; the more expensive, the rarer it is!"
Dipper dove into the hallway as the crowd swarmed the register, slamming the door shut and slumping onto the floor in disappointment. As much as he wanted to be excited about watching his all-time favourite superhero kicking butt on the small screen, Bill still loomed in the forefront of his mind.
Dipper frowned, he'd really stepped up his game with the perfect human disguise; a moody teenager with a questionable fashion sense... it was flawless. Everyone knew that hormonal teenagers were impossible to read, even Mabel had switched sides at the first notion of Not-Danny acting 'nice'. Really the only person who would possibly believe him was…
"Soos!" Dipper yipped as he leapt to his feet, stumbling his way to the breakroom, "I gotta talk to you, it's important! I— whoa, what are you wearing?"
"Oh, hey dude," Soos muttered from the couch where his head was jammed in a too-small black sweater, "I see you received my messenger pig for help. Gimme a hand with this thing?"
Dipper glanced over to where Waddles was slumped over the arm of the couch, snoring, before reaching up and tugging the sweater down, revealing a very flushed Soos who gave him a gloved thumbs up, "Thanks man, thought I was gonna be stuck in there forever."
"Er… what's all this for?" Dipper gestured to Soos' outfit. He was dressed in all-black, with a tool kit strapped to his waist and a large loop of rope slung over his shoulder.
"Oh, Stan asked for some help on a super-secret mission once he closed up shop," he tugged a balaclava over his face, "Don't know what, but honestly I'm just happy to be included."
Dipper stared at him blankly before brandishing the journal wildly, "Look, Soos I really gotta talk to you, it's about Bill! I think he's—!"
"Soos! You get the ladder? I just sold off the last of the reject pile and Mabel's just cleared out the rest of the bums by reading aloud some of her latest 'fanfiction'. Whatever the heck that is…" He meandered his way into the room, snatching a town map off the wall and shoving it into his back pocket as he barked, "Now come on! I wanna make it back in time for the latest episode of 'Cheapskates with Money Clips'."
"Ready to go, Mr Pines!" Soos gave a sharp salute in response before giving Dipper an apologetic look, "Sorry lil' dude, duty calls. We can talk tomorrow though, just you and me!"
"Wait, Soos!" Dipper barked out, trying to tug the journal free of his puffer vest, "This is important!"
"Kid, whatever little makeshift mystery you wanna explore is gonna have to wait," Grunkle Stan grunted out, "Soos and I will be back later tonight. You just hang here and do whatever it is kids like to do when parents aren't around."
"But—"
"And no 'buts' about it!" Grunkle Stan said firmly, "If you've got any complaints... er, go whine to your sister."
They jumped at the sounds of twin shrieks of excitement, followed by a gravelly bellow that rattled the house – Grenda and Candy had arrived. With an affirmative nod, Grunkle Stan tugged the door shut behind him, leaving Dipper standing alone in the middle of the break room.
"Great," Dipper muttered as he slumped onto the carpet, "Why does no one ever listen to me?"
"Oink?"
Dipper stared down at Waddles, who was chewing distractedly on the journal.
"Aah! Bad pig!" Dipper shrieked, yanking the book free. There was the soft sound of ripping as Dipper watched in horror as a corner of a page tore, fluttering to the ground. "No! Waddles, look what you did!"
Waddles gave an indignant squeal of shame as he ran off to find Mabel.
With a huff, Dipper scooped up the journal and torn page and headed up the stairs to the attic. Mabel always kept some fast-drying glitter glue in her emergency first aid kit for her stuffed animals. Plonking himself down on the floor, glue in hand, he flicked through to the torn page.
Shaking the wet shred of paper, he lined the edge with glue, pressing it in place and holding it up, satisfied. The ink that coated the page had bled due to all the drool, but it was still legible if he squinted, "I've noted a series of rare and mysterious sightings of what appear to be ethereal green portals popping up all around Gravity Falls – there seems to be no rhythm to their appearances; I've witnessed some open for a few minutes and others for only half a second but have yet to find the opportunity to investigate further..."
Frowning, Dipper continued to read on. There was a crossed-out list that seemed to suffer the most from Waddles' drool as he struggled to read, "Hypothesis for appearance: Potentially seasonal? Negative: the portals appear sporadically through both summer and winter. Maybe lunar? Also incorrect: they seem to hold their own gravitational pull separate from the earth. Could the rifts stand outside the limitations of this universe's natural rulings? More research is required.
"A new discovery! Following my past hypothesis I was able to configure a machine to measure electro-magnetic fields. It seems that these strange portals hold their own unique waves — this will allow me to track incoming portals more effectively. Update soon."
The handwriting suddenly appeared jagged, written in a thick red pen and underlined harshly, "AVOID AT ALL COSTS!"
"Avoid at all costs?" Dipper muttered to himself. "What happened with the rifts that freaked the author out so much? Wait… that must be how Bill's been getting through to this dimension! I gotta get one of those machines!"
"Oh, Diiiipper!" Mabel's voice echoed up the stairs from the living room, "Where aaaaare you? We're bedazzling our Danny Phantom costumes and we need someone to keep all the pins in place!"
"My mom says what I lack in fine motor skills I make up for in extreme force!" shouted Grenda.
"And time to go," Dipper tucked the journal and a flashlight into his vest and jammed open the window to shimmy out onto the roof. Heaving for air, he army-crawled his way across the balcony to the nearest supporting beam. He hesitated. It looked a lot further down to climb from way up on the shingles…
He nearly tumbled off the roof as Mabel's voice bellowed from just inside their bedroom, "Dipper! Hey, Dipper! Where'd he go?"
"Perhaps he is in the shower," Candy wheezed out, "I will go check to see if the door is locked."
Taking a deep breath, Dipper swung himself over the edge of the roof and latched onto the beam to awkwardly shimmy his way towards the ground. Gompers bleated loudly at him from below, gnashing his teeth at Dipper's dangling feet.
"No, go away you dumb goat, shoo!" Dipper hissed, trying to shove him away with his foot. Gompers retaliated by latching onto his shoelaces and yanking, "Aaah!"
Dipper landed with a crash onto the dirt, winded. Gompers bleeted apathetically, trotting off to scrounge through the trash can.
"Oh, hey Dipper. There you are. What are you doing lying in the bushes?" Mabel wandered down the steps to offer her brother a hand. Dipper grabbed it and hauled himself to his feet.
"Mabel, I think I know how Bill got to this dimension!" Dipper tugged the journal out of his vest, flipping through the pages to point at the author's warning, "Interdimensional gateways! It's obvious that he's slipped through one and — and… uh, what's that on your face?"
A cut-out photo of a black and white blur was stuck to Mabel's cheek, and another candid shot of Not-Danny that had obviously been taken that afternoon glued to her forehead, "Oh, these? Me and the girls were just making vision boards of our future husbands but then decided it would be even more effective if we became the vision board!"
"So glueing bad paparazzi shots of Danny Phantom is somehow going to get him to like you?"
"You have to trust the process, little bro. Once you trust the process, then you can see the vision." Mabel waggled her fingers in front of Dipper's nose, which he shoved away impatiently.
"Right, well while you're doing that, I've got to go find an ectoplasmic portal to shove Bill into."
Mabel looked disappointed in him, "Aw, come on, Dipper. You can't still believe that Danny is Bill in disguise? I mean, can't you admit that maybe you're a little jealous of Danny?"
"Jealous? Why would I be jealous of him! He smells like a Tex-Mex food truck."
"Oh, please. It's just a hint," Mabel waved the thought away with her hand, "I think it has more to do with him hanging out at Wendy's house right now."
"Well you thought wrong," Dipper sniped hotly, "I'll prove it to you — I'll show you undeniable proof that Danny is possessed, just you watch!"
Mabel was staring at him worriedly, "Dipper, you're not planning on hurting Danny are you?"
"No, I'm going to take down Bill." Dipper scoffed. With a turn of his heel, he slid into the driver's seat of the golf cart, twisting the keys and screeching out of the driveway.
"Dipper, wait!" Mabel cried, but her voice was smothered by the roar of the engine as he drove off.
…
Happy 2022!
