NOVEMBER 12, 1918
Elizabeth sat out on her stoop, staring blankly into her empty teacup. 'Empty, she thought, 'that's how I'm feeling. She had cried and ranted over the unfairness of it all over the last 24 hours. Her heart ached as she reflected on the profound impact of how one event affected so many others.
She felt weary over the battle that had been fought in the past few months
Word came earlier that the war was officially over as of yesterday. It had stirred up the old heartaches even as it brought great joy and peace. For Elizabeth, it brought a realization of something that had quietly slipped away over time.
"Elizabeth?" She was brought out of her thoughts by someone calling her name
"Are you all right? Nathan asked.
Elizabeth smiled at him and said, "Good evening, Nathan. I am fine."
At his dubious look and raised brow, she said, "Okay, I'm doing as good as can be expected. Is that better?"
He just chuckled and said, "It'll do for now, but you looked troubled about something."
"I am, I guess," Elizabeth said
"Do you want to talk about it? Nathan asked. Elizabeth sat for a moment, thinking about an answer.
There was just something about Nathan that was always comforting to her. She just wished that she had woken up a little sooner than she had. By the time she had broken things off with Lucas after returning from Hamilton, he had appeared to have feelings for Faith. Nathan told her that he and Faith had decided that they were trying to force their friendship to be something more than what felt right. Elizabeth and Nathan had found their way back to the easy friendship they once had though she longed for more.
"I was just on my way home for the night. Allie is at another sleepover, so we can talk freely if you want while I eat dinner. Have you eaten anything yet?"
"No, I haven't, and that sounds really nice to me," Elizabeth said with a smile. "Jack is having a sleepover with his Uncle Bill and Aunt Abigail. Jack and his Auntie Abigail connected deeply, and he was often found tagging along with Bill, too, when in town. Bill had made his godson a bedroom at his home so he could stay overnight. Abigail couldn't get over how much he resembled his father; she knew that resemblance brought comfort to them. Jack benefitted by hearing stories of his dad from those who knew him. It brought warmth and comfort to her battered heart and weary soul.
"Shall we?" Nathan said as he held out a hand to help her up.
"Let me put my cup away, and I'll grab the chocolate cake I made earlier for our dessert," Elizabeth said, chuckling at the expression on Nathan's face at the mention of chocolate cake.
Nathan's eyes lit up as he smiled. "I'm going to go ahead to get changed and start dinner, so take your time," Nathan said. "It's nothing fancy, though, just shepherd's pie."
"Shepherd's pie is one of my favorite dishes, actually," Elizabeth said. "It's also the first thing I learned to cook." She giggled, "maybe that's why it's one of my favorites."
"Maybe so," Nathan said, chuckling, "Take your time, but I'll leave the door unlocked for you. Just let yourself in." before heading home. He was suddenly looking forward to an evening at home, having dinner with a lovely companion.
As she bustled about gathering the cake and a wrap, her earlier musings brought an idea to her mind that had begun to take root quickly. She wondered what Nathan would think of it. She let herself in as he was coming down the steps. Their gazes locked momentarily before Nathan came to take the cake from her leaving her a bit dazed. They spent a comfortable 20 minutes working together to prepare dinner and set the table.
It wasn't until they sat down at the table with their dinner in front of them that he turned back to the earlier conversation. "So why don't you tell me what's bothering you?"
"Honestly, I'm such a jumble of emotions right now that I don't know where to start," Elizabeth said. "I'm feeling drained after our fight to close the mine and everything that it dredged up. I'm torn between being happy that the war is over and feeling angry about everything simultaneously. I keep going back to the unfairness of it all."
"It's brought up memories of losing Jack, hasn't it?" Nathan asked softly, reaching over to take her hand.
"I'd be lying if I said it didn't but not anything about you or Fort Clay. I still stand by everything I said about it wasn't your fault." Elizabeth said, trying to reassure him.
"I know, Lizbeth," Nathan said softly. "Please go on," The two of them had come a long way since she first got back, and the Fort Clay stuff was the first thing they had discussed. Her apologies and reassurances had gone a long way to easing the pain in his heart and raising his confidence to accept that he wasn't at fault. He didn't think he would have ever recovered after that day in the Jail, but through her words and subsequent action, he did.
"It's just the whole fighting the good fight and the aggravation of waiting and waiting only to find out that when you think they're safe, they're not. I always thought I would know if something happened to Jack somehow. But the night I found out we were celebrating Carson's birthday in the saloon. I had gone to get his birthday present that I had left on my desk at the school when I encountered …. the Mountie.
Nathan's eyes softened as he saw the pain on her face. "But he had been dead for three days while I was having a good time." They sat silently, with Nathan rubbing his thumb across her knuckle in a comforting gesture.
"Wow, I have never told anyone that before!" Elizabeth said, a bit self-conscious, having revealed such thoughts to Nathan.
"Sounds like you are carrying guilt over Jack's death yourself. I can't imagine what that felt like for you, Lizbeth," Nathan said. "Though maybe I can since I felt guilty about what happened at Fort Clay. Then it was compounded when I came here to watch over you and Jack and fell in love with you."
They had long ago talked about what happened between them and mended the hurt, which allowed them to regrow their friendship. Elizabeth was also thankful that she was able to restore her relationship with Allie with time and lots of effort. Her relationship with both father and daughter was a gift and not something she would take for granted again. But his words reminded her of what she had callously tossed aside because of her fear.
With a deep sigh and wobbly smile, she squeezed his hand briefly and said, "Thank you, Nathan. I truly believe that you do know how I feel. While I am grateful that we have that shared history, I am filled with deep regret that you carry additional scars from my actions from it too."
"Lizbeth," Nathan said as he captured her other hand in his. "Look at me, please,"
Elizabeth looked up, and Nathan could see the deep pain she was feeling. Suddenly they were catapulted back to the night of the reception when she told him she didn't blame him for Jack's death. "First, Allie and both have forgiven you for what happened. Though it doesn't change the past, neither does you continually beating yourself up. Over the past several months, you have repeatedly proven that you truly are sorry. It's obvious to everyone that you are not that person that hurt all of us. In fact, I have seen a side of you that I'm told is how you were before Jack died."
It has made you even more beautiful, and I've fallen deeper in love with you," Nathan added silently, looking at the woman he was powerless to resist. He knew that even if they never moved beyond friends, there would never be another woman for him. From the moment she walked into his office, his heart was irrevocably hers. He had also come to the realization as they worked tirelessly together that she had become his best friend. Their bond was unique and different from what he shared with his long-time best friend, Gabe. Gabe's came from being Mountie brothers, but Elizabeth's came from love and a deep personal connection.
"Second, no matter what you would have been doing when it happened doesn't change anything. When I go away on assignments, Allie still has to carry on, right? The world doesn't stop because I'm not with her." Nathan began to subconsciously caress her knuckles with his thumbs again, reminding her of the bachelor party game. "I would like to think that if I was away and something happened to Allie, I would know, but I don't know that for sure. I know that while I'm away, I want her to continue to be safe, secure, and happy with the people I entrust her to." He then paused and put his face close to hers to look into her eyes before annunciating each word to ensure she was listening. Just…. like…. Jack…. would have wanted for you."
Elizabeth looked down and pulled her hands away on the premise of taking a drink of her tea. The sparks that were shooting up her arm at his touch were distracting. Her gaze had dropped to his lips as he had moved his face closer to look into her eyes. Quickly she took a deep breath needed to regain control and rein in the impulse to lean over and close the distance between their lips. Elizabeth quickly glanced at him as she drank to ensure that he didn't take her moving away negatively. Looking at him, she thought she saw a flicker of amusement and something else she was afraid to hope for. That softness that would appear in his eyes during unguarded moments when they were having a tender moment like now. Though it quickly disappeared, seeing that look reassured her that he hadn't taken her pulling back the wrong way.
"You are absolutely right, Nathan, and I need to take my own advice," Elizabeth said. "Though I'm certainly the last one that needs to go dispensing advice, especially if unsolicited as I did before." Added, chuckling mirthlessly.
As he went to comment, she said, "I know, no more raking myself over the coals. From here on out, I will work harder on letting it go and moving forward."
At his skeptical expression, she said, "I mean it, Nathan. I will even give you special permission to call me out whenever I forget and lapse." Then added with a giggle, "Without fear of retribution."
They laughed and then got up to take their dishes to the sink. "Are you ready for dessert, Nathan?"
"Is that a rhetorical question, Lizbeth?" Nathan said. "I'm already ready for anything sweet. Why don't I make us some more tea while you take care of the cake."
When they returned to their seats, she decided to talk to Nathan about her idea. "Thank you for talking to me. Just before I came over here, a realization hit me, and I got an idea. I would appreciate your thoughts about it if you don't mind.".
Once again, she was struck by how easy and comfortable it was being with Nathan in this domestic and private setting. For a moment, she allowed herself to imagine if they were courting or married. A deep pang of longing pierced her heart as she realized that she wanted that blended family he once offered more than anything else in the world. But she didn't feel worthy enough to ask for it. With a deep sigh, she worked desperately to calm the intense feelings that had been stirred within her.
"Sure, Elizabeth, I'm glad to help when I can," Nathan said, desperately trying to calm the racing in his heart at his thoughts. Nathan was happy on so many levels that he quickly agreed. Of course, he would have agreed to anything if it prolonged their evening together. Being here with Elizabeth was so easy and natural that it created a longing in him for the family he desperately wanted them to be.
"Well, we have Gabe Montgomery, James Fremont, and Bradley Ramsey returning from the war. They were all from my first days when I taught in the Saloon." Elizabeth said, taking a bite of cake.
The fact that they made it through the war safely and returned to live in Hope Valley is worthy of celebrating. Then, of course, the ending of the war is like icing on the cake." She giggled as Nathan took a bite and closed his in appreciation.
"Rosemary has already mentioned having a big party," Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes. "You know how Rosemary is about celebrating anything, but I agree with this one."
Nathan laughed. "I do. The party she threw when Lucas left town is still being discussed."
"That was the best party I had ever been to in my life," Elizabeth said with a giggle.
"First one I ever went to where the guest of honor wasn't in attendance," Nathan said, causing them to break out into laughter. After a few minutes of shared mirth, they regained their composure though it wasn't easy as they recalled specific moments.
"Anyway," Elizabeth said with a chuckle trying to regain her train of thought. "I keep thinking about the mine, which made me think about how we got there. One thing keeps popping up, and that's how we stopped remembering and honoring our past. It's as if it no longer has a substance or purpose. Does that make sense?" Elizabeth asked.
"You're talking about the history of the town?" Nathan inquired,
"Yes," Elizabeth said. "We don't do the Founders Day play anymore. We don't even have anything that honors and reminds us of our past. I was thinking about how Abigail and Bill are comforted by how much Jack looks like his father. Jack loves hearing about his father from those who knew him, and it keeps his father present in his mind. I'm sure it is the same for you regarding Allie and Colleen. Even our connection to Jack through Fort Clay is a comfort of a shared experience. I'm all for celebrating the war's end and winning the fight over the mine. But I can't help thinking that we've left the other stuff in the past to our detriment."
"So, what are you thinking? Doing something jointly and combining it?" Nathan mused.
"Actually, yes," Elizabeth said. "I was thinking I still have the backdrop that Jack painted. I don't know where those costumes are, but …. what if we let the children create their own presentation for the miners under the direction of Cat, Molly, and Florence? They could perform it using the old backdrop."
"That would create a more meaningful presentation for those who are unaware and would provide comfort to those who suffered personally." Nathan agreed.
"That is what I was thinking too." Elizabeth said." Maybe we make a weekend out of it; We have specific aspects for Friday night and Saturday, including a special graveside ceremony and a dance later that evening with a potluck. People could stay for services or feel free to travel home Sunday morning.
I love it, Elizabeth," Nathan said. "The miners and Jack are remembered, the town's history is shared, and then we come together to celebrate their sacrifice and the good that came from it."
"We could also get Rosemary to do a spread on the events and the way the town has changed. Maybe I can talk to Fiona to do a picture collage display of the town and people through the years." Elizabeth said, really getting excited.
"I like that idea Elizabeth," Nathan said, enjoying the sparkle that was back in her eyes. He loved how their relationship had been transformed and struggled not to declare his feelings again. But he felt that if things were to change, it had to come from her. However, if she ever gave him that sign, he would be the happiest man on earth. Little did he know, but she was having similar thoughts enjoying their conversation. But she, too, was of a similar opinion on that front though fear of messing up what they had if he didn't feel the same kept her silent. They talked for a bit more, and then Elizabeth looked up at the clock and was surprised to see how late it had gotten. "I'd better get going and maybe put some of this down on paper but thank you for inviting me over, Nathan. It really helped to talk it out, and I enjoyed the conversation."
"I did, too, Elizabeth. Let me walk you home." Nathan said with a smile, sad to see the night end but knowing it had to. They walked towards Elizabeth's in companionable silence.
