Kira is Kage

Lacus is Hikari

Except when they're together.

I admit, originally, the Alliance having firearms were supposed to come much… much later. They're supposed to fill the same role as the Dagger MS in the original anime. BUT… after everything, I realize… the Alliance really needs an edge. The firearms are somewhere like… the wild west era flintlock fuse lit one shot rifle, but enhanced somewhat to give a more modern day firearm feel… such as the fact they fire shells not shots. The rockets are just over-glorified fuse lit firecracker. NO electricity (not yet) no aircraft (not yet too)… Steam's the main energy source here… steampunk style. And even that are only to select few of equipments and weapons. Unless I stated specifically or gave any form of cues, then all other equipment in this fic is NOT powered by steam. Use your imagination. This is a fanfiction.

NOTE:

"Doryaaaaaaaaaa!": normal talking

"Charge!": special case

'Darn!': thoughts

And just for this chapter:

Writer's Block and all unbolded texts: Divine Intervention and Creation.

GWA HA HA HA! : Divine Speech

And let me say it: THIS CHAPTER IS FREAKISHLY HARD TO WRITE! Hitting a bunch of Writer's block, work, new ideas for new unrelated stories that popped non stop out of my head! AAAAAAARGGHHH! I hope you guys get a good laugh. Enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING!

Please… read and review

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Kira suddenly found himself back in that inner space again. Fortunately, he's already quite used to it. The way it is, this is his way of communicating with his… Ghost.

"Jorm? You there?"

No answer. No one in sight.

"Hmm?" Kira looked left and right. 'No one here?'

And suddenly, someone clasped his eyes from behind.

"Da-re-da?"

A feminine and sultry voice sounded from his back.

"Huh?" Kira remembered only Lacus who had ever did this to him. But there's no way she's here… unless she did that Astral Dive thing… "But this voice… this ain't Lacus?"

"Of-course-not." The voice chuckled. And then Kira felt he was pulled back, and then his head fell on something… bouncy.

"Huh?" Kira paled and suddenly felt uneasy. He slowly and gently lifted his finger to get a feel of this cushion…

Boing.

He poked it. And then he poked it again several times…

Boing… boing…

Kira blushed. "Who are you?"

"Tee-hee-hee…" The voice and the owner disappeared in a gust of gentle and fragrant wind.

Kira quickly turned around to see who it was, but find nothing but empty air. "Where…?" Suddenly Kira realized this place seem to be more windy than usual.

"Follow the wind, Kira-chan." The woman's voice flow in the air. "Follow the wind."

"Follow the wind?" at first, Kira looked around and see nothing but empty air, but then, he put his finger in his mouth and lick it, wetting it, and then point up. A way for someone to roughly follow the direction of the wind. And he began to feel the wind is flowing around… and then they flow unto him. Now, the wind gathered, condensed until even Kira can really see it with his naked eye. "What… Who… are you?"

The wind gathered on him, forming the shape of a woman. Kira reflexively put his arms out, the woman shape conveniently gathered into the state of clinging to Kira's neck. After a while, the air solidified, and now, a divinely beautiful woman appeared on Kira's arms, clinging to him lovingly while caressing his cheek.

She had extremely long green and white hair, even longer than her own beautiful body. Parts of the hair were braided, and there are eight braids, tied with eight ribbons each of a different color. Her dress is…, well, she's hardly covered in anything. Her dress were composed of stripes of ribbons, and all of them are see through, with nothing held them aloft but air. They looked like they can collapse any moment. The largest concentration formed her long skirt, but that only covered her sides and rear. The front of her groin was… purposefully left open, and only her thigh covered her modesty. More ribbons covered her forearm, leaving her shoulder bare… and that was IT! The rest are left naked, covered with nothing but strands of hair. Doesn't help with the fact that her breasts are… huge… it's almost overwhelming. Enough to make any woman brimming with envy.

But the one point of interest is her eyes. They are greenish white eyes, but her pupil… they have eight slits, encircling a center white pupil. And she had tattoos painted on one side of her face, on her left cheek, just beneath her left eye. The tattoo… was gothic, and it composed of eight eyes, each slitted pupil. They gleamed like rainbow as she shifted her face.

"Who are you?" Kira asked again.

The woman blushed as she lovingly and lustfully gaze at Kira's mesmerized eyes. She pulled herself up as her lips inched closer to Kira's. "Call me… Tia."

Their lips were millimeters apart…

"Tiaa~aaa!" Until suddenly Jorm appeared out of nowhere and yanked Tia away from his host.

"Jorm!" Tia gasped in anger and annoyance. "Why did you get in my way!? I almost got it!"

"Jorm!" Kira broke out of his daze, recognizing the heterochromatic eyed man.

Jorm glared in annoyance to the woman, matching her anger with his own. "I left for a few minutes, and already you try to play crazy!"

"Jorm? This is…?"

"This is…" Jorm sighed. "…my sister. Tia."

"Your sister?" and now Kira get her bearings back. What the heck possessed him just now? He felt a bit light headed though. "Your sister." His more serious side returned. His usual, calmer, rational side, and now he can think more coherently. "Okay. Your sister." He glared at Jorm and Tia, the latter still smiling so seductively at him. But Kira, having regained his bearings again, were no longer easy prey. "Anybody else in the family I need to know!?"

Jorm glared at Tia and then, he put on his glasses and swiped his messy hair back. When he's done with the simple change, he stood as his true, scholarly self with blue slitted eyes gazing at Kira through his glasses. "This isn't exactly how I want you to meet us, Kira." Jorm gave another angry glare to Tia. "But… I guess… now is as good as time as any."

And then, one by one, others appeared from nothingness.

The first was a man with tanned skin, with various glowing runes, blazing with fury in parts of his muscular and tall body. His head and upper shoulder is covered in a steel helmet that seems to be chained to the said head, with his glowing golden hair bursting from the seams of the helmet's back. A red hot smoldering sword penetrated the helmet by the front and pierced all the way through his chin. Kira can feel the temperature seem to rise a bit by a few degrees upon the man's presence. Apart from the runes, his chest and body full of scars, mostly burnt marks, and no armor whatsoever. His waist and forearms are the only part of him that is armored. And they glow orange and yellow, as if the armor are smoldering hot, inside out.

And then another one… was a boy. Barely half Kira's size. He wore a ragged sleeveless black trench coat, with a hood covering his head, and keychains and decoration hanging by the said coat in various parts. The coat looked like they were made of some spiky lizard scales. His skin is dark brown, with a silver white messy short hair. But his eyes. His pair of fierce yellow slitted eyes seems to glow beneath the hood. Electricity jumped here and fro around the boy.

Thus, with Tia and Jorm, there are four in total.

Kira looked at each one of them. Three guys and one girl are living inside his arm… and he never knew?

"Kira. Allow me to introduce you. This is… Guts." Jorm pointed at the hammer carrying helmeted man, who nodded. "And this is…"

"Aham." The boy answered. Strangely enough, despite the obvious young age, his voice was heavy and loaded, like a full grown adult. "Sorry, Jorm. We should've watched over Tia a little better."

"Aww!" Tia pouted. "Why are you guys treat me like I'm some kind of a criminal?"

"Because our host turns out to be kinda of a cute bishounen of a guy." Guts growled.

"And you are a pervert, a romantic, a pervert, an exhibitionist, a pervert, a shotacon, a pervert, and have I mentioned a pervert?" Jorm followed. "So yeah… in this case, you are a criminal."

"I just wanna have some fun. Our host being lovey dovey and all…" She pouted cutely.

"Lovey dovey?" Kira twitched at the word. "What does she mean by that!?"

"Nothing!" Jorm chuckled. "Aaanyway. I'm sorry about this. We really don't want to disturb you. Let's talk about this some more, some other time." He motioned his brothers and sister, and they start dispersing.

But Kira protested. "No! I think you guys should stay here and explain!"

"All in good time! For now…" Jorm poked Kira's forehead. "Wake up."

And Kira was pushed back to waking consciousness. His eyes shot open to gaze upon the ceiling of his office, coupled with a very light empty head. "Oooorgh… I hate it when he does that." Kira rubbed his temple as he looked at his left hand and saw it was his bare skinned hand. So there are four: Jorm, Tia, Guts, and Aham. He had a family of 'Ghosts' in there. 'What on earth are they?'

And now that Kira realized it, he's naked and wore nothing on but a blanket. "huh? Why am I naked?" That's funny. He didn't remember anything yesterday. All he remembered was when he relaxed in the Angel's bath… and then… blank. "What did I…"

That's when Kira realized he couldn't lift his other arm, and something is pinning him down, covered by the blanket. He opened the blanket… and a naked Lacus sleeping on top of him.

1 second…

2 second…

3 second…

And that's when Lacus opened her eyes and…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHH!"

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The howls from the two marked the beginning of this supposedly normal day.

Chapter 37

Prankcraft: Spice and Sweet

I, Aj-Slayer, Aj-Writer's psychopathic split personality with zero empathy and sanity hereby took charge of this chapter and putting the level of improbability engine from Dark Realistic Fantasy to the max level: Sanity: WTF is that!?

In this particular chapter, there's no such thing as dying or any sort of rational sense making. There's only partially canon chaos, some measure of fourth wall breaking, removal of trifling rationality called limits and morality, even the logic of time and space are removed all for the sake of some nonsensical fun and stomach hurting due to laughing. No soldiers are harmed in the making of this chapter.

I mean… why so serious?

WHY. SO. SERIOUS?

(Raising a razor) Let's put a smile on that face.

Kira heaving up and down struggled to get as far away from this naked girl in his lap. WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOING LAST NIGHT!?

Lacus didn't budge from her spot but her eyes widened in surprise as well.

"W… W… Wh… What… What…" Kira catatonically gaped and spluttered. Confused and horrified. "W… W…"

Upon seeing Kira flabbergasting, Lacus timidly asked: "Good… morning?"

"Good morning… Good morning… Good morning?" Kira still hadn't gotten over his shock. "What… What did we… What did I…"

"Why do you scream? Is something wrong, Kira-san?"

"Something wrong? Something wrong!?" Kira began to gather his wits about him again. "Why am I naked… why are you naked… what…"

"Ara? You don't remember?" Lacus suddenly smiled mischievously. "Aww… that's too bad… You were so rough last night…" Lacus blushed and moaned seductively.

Kira's jaw hung in horror as his skin paled and his eyes emptied. No. Way.

"We did it like… fifty times?" Lacus cupped her reddened cheek. "And it was quite a mess too…"

"Fifty… ti…mes…" Kira's throat had gone completely dry and sweat poured over his brows by the gallons.

"And others were watching too… Hmm!" Lacus smacked her lips as she played with her breast and covered her lower waist. "And I was so inexperienced… yet it felt so good…!"

Kira's soul flowed out of his mouth.

Seeing Kira's horrified look, Lacus couldn't stand it anymore. "Pfftt…"

"Heh?" First sound of laughter and Kira's soul flew back to his body instantly.

"NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NYAHAA!h, my god! Oh My god! The look on your face! AHAhAAHAa… Ha!Ha.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" And Lacus laughed harder than she ever did before, tears trickling down her eyes. She laughed, holding on to her aching stomach and then laugh some more until she rolled on the bed, still laughing her brains out.

At that point, Kira's temper had reached the peak of a volcano with his face reddened not in embarrassment, but with a seething demand for a blade so that he can cut this girl to size.

Momentarily, the Shadowguard who heard those two screams came to check up on the captain. Imagine their surprise when they start hearing growls and roars, coupled with some screams and shrills and a bit of laughter. There's some sound of some stuff crashing down, some broken things… and then a working desk being thrown through the door.

"What… the hell… is going on…" Tolle paled seeing the smashed door. The three peeked inside…

"YOU EVIL, EVIL WOMAN! THERE'S JOKE, AND THERE'S CROSSING THE LINE!" Kira, clad only in his pants, scream bloody murder (CRASH!) carrying a wooden clubbing object whose size would suggest were used to club anything at least as large as a charging bull (SMASH!), chasing Lacus, (BAM!) clad in nothing but a blanket, (WHAM!) running across the now ransacked office (SOCK!) laughing gleefully as she dodge death spitted by her vengeful roommate by the inches. "COME BACK HERE! I'M GONNA TEACH YOU THE PAIN OF LIFE IN ALL ITS HORROR!" (WHACK!)

"Kira… what happened?"

"Don't come in, the miasma's here!" Lacus warned them as she easily dodged another cupboard thrown by an angry Kira. (BOOM) In response, the Shadowguards only watched in wonder.

"Guys! Good! You're about on time!" (SMASH!) A murderously angry Kira roared at his peeking friends as he ripped a cupboard up. "TELL MWU TO GIVE ME BACK SHIKI, (CRA-ASH!) NO… LEND ME ANY BLADE… (SHATTER!) ANY WEAPON I CAN USE! (SLASH!) I'M IN A SERIOUS NEED (POW) TO MAKE A CERTAIN BITCH DEAD!" Kira throw the cupboard and it missed that certain laughing bitch, smashing the table with a CRASH.

The Shadowguards looked at one another. (CRASH!) After 5 seconds of contemplation, (RRi~IIP!) they wisely decided to seal off the door with anything they can use, (SMASH!) and then, bringing up some stuff, (TZoii~IIING!) they fortified it with sandbags so that nothing from inside can come out (BAAANG!). And then, (POW!) in that same wisdom, (SOCK!) set up a perimeter roughly 20 feet away from the door so that no one came close to danger area (WHAM! CRAASH!), putting a sign: hazardous area, leave immediately.

The noise naturally attracted a LOT of attention. (CLASH!) What's with the Shadowguards bunker down in front of the captain's door as if to hold out against cannon fire, (SMASH!) fortified to handle an incoming storm (BAM!).

"What in the name of all that is holy is going on here?" (WHAM!) Mwu, Murrue and Natarle came in, hearing all that chaos from miles around. (SOCK!)

"Umm…" (BOING!) Milly, seeing Natarle, chose her words carefully. (BAM!) "The captain is… Uhh…" (POW!) "…having an exercise! (WHAM!) Yes! (CRASH!) A morning indoor exercise!" (TINKLE!) As if on cue, a chair was thrown off the window, (CRACK) and crashed down there (CRASH) smashing through a roof, (CRAACK!) hitting whoever poor soul caught in the fall (BOOM).

"A very… (RIIPP!) violent… (WHAM!) morning exercise…" (BAM!) Tolle added nervously. (BANG!) Just then, a wooden pillar smashed through the fortified door and pierced the ramshackle fortification the Shadowguards made. (BING!)

"YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE GIRL! (SMASH!) I'LL TEAR YOU APART WITH MY OWN HANDS IF I HAVE TO! (CRASH!)"

"AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!" Lacus gleeful laugh echoed from inside.

The laughter's voice reached Natarle's ears, (BANG) to her horror (WHUD). "I… Is that a WOMAN'S VOICE I heard!? (THUD)"

"THAT'S… (CRAASH!)" Mwu screeched in panic. (CRUNCH) "That would be Hikari (SMASH!)! Kage's (BAM!) Girlfriend. (CRASH!)"

"Girlfriend?" (CR-aAAAARCKABOOM!) Natarle compared the meaning of the word girlfriend… to the sound of bloody carnage ensuing inside and Kira's murderous howl echoing from inside.

"I DON'T HAVE A BLADE, FINE! I'LL CARVE YOUR BLACKHEART OUT WITH A SPOON!" (BANG!) "TEAR OUT YOUR INSIDES…" (CRASH) "BOIL YOUR INNARDS…" (WHAM!) "AFTER I HARVEST YOUR BRAINLESS PRETTY HEAD AND PUT IT ON A SPIT!" (BOOOM!)

A pale Natarle heard all those horrible treatment, hardly what sane people would consider lovers' material. (BHAM!) "Are you sure!?" She looked incredulously at Mwu. (THUD!) The said Captain only smirked nervously. (SHATTER!) Naturally Natarle was unconvinced and remain outraged. (CRACK!) "Enough! For a man and woman to be in the same room in a military installation, especially when the other is the captain is out of the question! I will go in there, and talk some sense into those two!"

"A-A-Ah! Wait!" Mwu tried to stop her, but Natarle stomped her way past the fortification, heading straight into the barricaded door.

CRAAAAAAAAAAAASH! A wooden pillar smashed through the door, heading straight towards Natarle.

Mwu moved quickly, disappear and reappeared in a flash and caught Natarle, pulling her back as the pillar pierced right where she used to be. Natarle looked with wide eyes at the wooden pillar.

"Well… I think we're looking… at what they call… Lover's quarrel…" Mwu nervously swallowed a gulp. "A very violent one." Shiki, rested on Mwu's back, were trembling. She yearned to return to her master's hand, sensing his bloodlust and his call for carnage.

Sensing this and hearing the sound of chaos and destruction that went on and on to the point even the writer having a hard time to describe it, Mwu wisely decided to leave and evacuate the premises ASAP. "Let's… steer clear until the storm passed."

"We'll hold the line here." The Shadowguard (boldly) stated.

After an hour, and a few dozen localized destruction with stuff flying out of the office, the noise finally died down. But no one dared to come in yet to see if there are any survivors.

Inside…

Kira, heaving up and down, tired as hell, lay on his back on top of the ruins of an office, sweating from head to toe. Lacus, surviving the onslaught with naught a scratch, but also sweating and panting, somehow managed to lay on top of the downed Kira, face down but smiling in triumph, her breasts squeezed on Kira's chest.

"…what… happened… last night?" Kira, tired as hell, now pleaded the truth.

"…well…" Lacus, also too tired for jokes, answered. "You fainted."

"I… fainted?"

"Yeah… that's what happened when you spend too much time in hot water, filled with steam. I found you unconscious early morning… and dragged you back to your room. And then you fell asleep."

"Early morning…? Wait… what time is this?"

"It's afternoon, sleepyhead." Lacus murmured giddily. "Nice workout after sleeping for 72 hours I guess."

"72 HOURS!?" Kira gasped. "I FAINTED FOR 72 HOURS!?"

"Apparently, the herbal mixture was too strong." Lacus looked at Kira with puppy dog eyes. "I went too far on the dosage of the muscle relaxant and antibiotics. Sowwy!"

"That's not relaxing! You put me in a coma, you maniac!"

"Like I said! Sowwy! Won't happen again!" Lacus clapped her hands together.

Kira wanted so bad to tear her a new one, but he was too tired already. "…why are you naked? Why am I naked? No joke this time!"

"Ara!" Lacus giggled. "Well… you were naked when we pulled out of the pool. So we put you to sleep as is since putting your clothes back on are a bother. As for why I'm naked… well…" Lacus chuckled with a blush. "I can't sleep unless I'm naked, see…" Lacus added as she rolled on top of Kira. "That, and you looked like a comfy pillow so to sleep on top of you seems like a good idea…"

"Why did you scream when I woke up?"

"I scream, you scream, we all scream. It's a chain reaction." Lacus giggled.

Kira slapped his face. "I can't believe I slept naked for all to see for 3 freakin' full days!"

"Well, I forbid everyone to come in." And then a suspicious Lacus quickly added. "Don't tell me you usually sleep with that awful mask on!"

"It kept me at ease." Kira then start struggling to get up, pushing the bewildered Lacus back. As he did, he can feel all his bones creaked and cracked. He didn't move a bone for 3 days, doing nothing but sleep and sleep until this impromptu morning carnage. "Put your suit on."

Without further fuss, Kira get dressed, as do Lacus had to put on her suit. When they tried to open the door, it was sealed shut from outside. "OI! Open the door! Get us out of here!"

No response.

"…" The two looked at each other. "OOOI! WE'RE DONE HERE! OPEN THE DOOOOR!" Kira yelled again a tad louder.

Still no response…

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Outside…

"Oi, shouldn't we open the door?" Milly asked his two friends upon hearing the second howl.

"Sure, maybe…" Sai answered.

"In a minute." Tolle snickered.

"Tolle Koenig… Ssigh Argyle…" Milly glared. "I know that look. It's that look you two had every time you're up for some schemes."

"Last I recalled, the last time we did this, I got you for a girlfriend." Tolle smiled at his girlfriend.

"Yeah… that is after you sent Kira to Hospital, and the rest of us get into suspension for that brawl." Milly crossed her arms. Like she could forget beating a man with a wooden bat.

"Relax. This time will be different. This time, we're helping Kira."

"Kira?" Milly quickly caught on. "Oh… Lacus-chan, eh?"

"Only the densest moron couldn't see what's going on." Tolle chuckled.

"With the way they interact this morning, I'm not surprised if even her personal guard misunderstood." Sai sweatdropped. Kira and Lacus' idea of 'lover's quarrel' (well… they're not lovers yet anyhow) made his somewhat strained relationship with Fllay looked enviable.

"hmmm…" Milly still looked skeptical.

"Milly?"

"I'm not sure if helping them is a good idea." Milly scratched her hair. "Way I see it… Lacus-chan is already doing well as it is."

"Doing well?" The two males pointed at the ransacked battlefield of an office.

Milly sighed. "Fine. Fine. If you two insist on doing this, go ahead… but I'm not going to help." Milly stood up, marking her decision. "I just hope that once you guys are through with your schemes… those two won't be worse off." And then Milly left the two.

Seeing the departed girl, two males turned to look at each other. And then all the sudden…

The door opened.

In the most violent explosion possible.

The first to walk out was the less than pleased Kira, followed by Hikari, a couple of shades darker.

"Finally, I'm out." Kira glared at the two shadowguards. "And you two… what took you so long?"

"Ermm…"

"Well…"

Kira shook his head. "Enough. I think it's near lunch. Let's go."

Kira: 0

Lacus: 0

Because we're just getting started.

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Momentarily, in a temporary mess hall at the lower deck, in the civilian area…

Senba tapped the menu. "Nice to see you back from the dead."

"What did I miss in the last three days when I went into land of the-closest-thing-you-can-get-to-an-undead?"

"Well… nothing much… Prayer did most of the paperwork, Canard did the drilling. But the men… well… they're a bit dispirited?"

"Dispirited… you say? After a party like that?"

"No, no… well… what do you expect? Less than two weeks ago, they were foot ground infantry. They're used to stand firmly on the ground, now…" Senba pointed at a pot noted as vomit pot. "Now they get seasick every now and then. And they felt… well… unwell." Senba explained. "It'll take a while until they can found their sea legs on them. That's why I think we need something spicy. You know, rile up their senses?"

"Say no more. We need a dish that'll work out some sweat and it had to be quite the eye opener." Kira grabbed a can filled with some spices. Thanks to the supplies from Junius, they can do some fancy cooking for a while. And there are various kinds of spices here: thyme, capulaga, pepper, chilies, etc etc, etc… Suddenly, an idea ran across Kira's head. "Yeah…" He smiled evilly. "Yeah… I think I'm going to make something interestingly spicy… one that will be good for her… and most amusing to me."

"Her? Who's her?" Senba looked at Kira… only to find the Devil smiling back.

"Khu… yes, yes… a little this and that… Kukuku… MWUAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And Senba as well as other assistant cook shuddered in utter terror, wondering what sort of evil is being cooked up.

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Lunch time…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHGH! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE! WHUUUUUAAAHHO! HEEEEEHHHH! HOOOOHHH!" The chorus repeated over and over that afternoon, coming from the mess hall.

Kira's dish was the likes of which that really made every single person who tasted it do more than just having their eye opened and their senses riled up.

A variation of Kira's Triple Tofu Noodle: the white tofu was given so many chilies and pepper that they turn red and the sauce is all black. The meat was actual meat, but they were laced in black pepper. The yakisoba were a variation of black and white colors: the black one is sweet to really pull out the already overwhelmingly spicy tofu and meat to hit the tongue like a champ, the white one is cool and calm to neutralize it, allowing the eater to say: yes sir, I'd like some more, without worry of ruining their taste buds.

And the fact that Kira made it is a certifiable promise that they taste superbly well. If only a little bit on the hot side.

Fact is, the only person that could eat this infernal dish without screaming or frowning is Kira and Prayer.

But Prayer, as everyone knew, lost all of his senses of pain. So the sting of such gut busting dish did not affect him by the slightest.

Leaving everyone in eternal confusion as to how Kira could still have seconds while he barely drank anything.

Regardless, the dish served its purpose: At the moment, the ship is stuck on quite a hot and damp atmosphere. By forcing them to sweat, the body will cool off and refreshed, and forced to drink large amount of water, preventing dehydration.

"Well, luckily, we're in no danger of running out of water." Senba swept his sweat away, while serving water to the heaving and panting Toudou. Even a samurai HAD to frown tasting this sublimely hot dish. "Murdoch had finished rebuilding the water processor. We get ample of drinking water from the sea."

"That's a relief." Asahina finished a barrel and now is in the process of gulping another.

"I'm worried about Hikari, she hasn't eaten anything!" Chiba looked at a canopy. A sealed room where no one can see who's inside. Kira had set it up and Senba had delivered the food to the said tent. Senba even confessed that the said plate seem to receive most of Kira's attention and separated from the rest. Unique unto itself, made especially for the honored guest.

Somehow… that notion sent cold shivering chill down Chiba's spine.

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In her special isolated spot, Lacus jawdropped upon seeing the single plate of red, black, and white colored noodle.

Seeing all this made Lacus in a bit of a jam. It's noodle. She loved it. Second best after sweets. But judging by the reactions of others, when even the most stone faced man in that hall, such as Toudou, Canard, and even Sven to frown, not to mention sweating by the gallons, she shudder at the thought of what sort of taste she'll receive.

As the result, for the first time in her whole life, Lacus lost her appetite even when she's facing an oriental cuisine with such an exceptionally good smell right in front of her nose. But her stomach continues to growl. Appetite or not, she need sustenance. She had no choice. She took her chopstick, and with clattering fingers, she picked up one strand of noodle, glazed by the black sauce. She took one slurp of that noodle… and then she realized one thing:

Senba said that the one that went to Lacus' portion was specially made by Kira's very own hand, with all the care and delicacy he can afford…

Lacus took that to mind as she took the 3 seconds to swallow and savor a single strand of that black noodle…

And now that she ate it, she realized Kira had also put every sort of spices he can jam into it.

The voraciously, BLAZINGLY, hot sort…

And in those 3 seconds, Lacus felt like she just stuffed down 3 dozen chilies down her throat for every drop of that sauce that went down her gullet… (AN: BTW, this is but an imagery. I doubt any normal human could survive eating 3 dozen chilies raw in a single spoon)

"FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Lacus' shriek of pain caused everyone to spit their drink to the air out of shock. Everyone, except Kira… who looked like someone who just heard the music from heaven flowing to his ears.

Her scream was cut short as soon as Lacus dipped her head into the nearest basin (truthfully used to wash hands), drinking all the water there after one mouthful of that spicy sauce. Panting up and down, her stomach is still growling. She couldn't believe it: even with all that spiciness and hotness… it still tasted so wonderful and what's more, they stimulate appetite like nothing else. Her stomach growled louder and louder, hungering, demanding for more. There's no way she'll feel full BEFORE she ate the whole plate. Down to the last strand of horror, down to the last drop of inferno, to the very last throat burning crumb…

So the fact she had to endure an hour of devouring that dish shaped molten volcano in a plate is certainly quite a feat.

Lacus dragged herself holding on to the wall for support as she made her way out of the mess hall, her mouth smoking and glowing red hot.

And now she understands. This is not a coincidence. This is all Kira. This is his payback. Revenge for putting him in coma for three days. 'That… sadistic… bastaa~aard…' Now that her hunger is no more, her anger can flare. Kira really got her by the balls (figuratively speaking).

Fortunately, Ms. Pink had something in store. "Haro! Haro! Here you go, Lacus. Haro." Ms. Pink transformed back into Lily and handed several mint flavored milk gobstoppers to cool off her mouth. Lacus took it and gobbled it all up as soon as no one's looking. She happily sucked several gobstoppers in her mouth all at once, relishing in the sweetness and more importantly the coolness.

"I guess this is what happened when you mess with a chef. Haro."

"I am so not going to eat his dinner!" Lacus gritted her teeth so hard, the jawbreaker actually crumbled in her mouth. "Tell Megi to bake something for me will you?"

"I'm sure Megi can make some odds and ends… but you can't last on diet of sweets! Haro!"

"No need for you to tell me." Lacus put on her mask again. "(Koff) But that noodle had so many spices on it (koff), it's practically criminal! (koff)"

"Stop being so picky! Haro!" Lily put her arms on her waist as she scolded Lacus. "You're not a child anymore! Haro!"

"This is not about me being childish! (koff) (koff) It's that Kira! (koff)" Lacus can still feel the sting in her mouth. She's going to feel it all day, nay, for the rest of her natural life! That and the burning wrath that emanated from her being seem to make the temperature to rise up by a few tens of degrees. She rarely if ever felt anger to one person, but to KIRA: SHE. WILL. MAKE. AN. EXCEPTION! "(KOOohFF…) I'll get him YET! (KOFF!)"

"Lacus… you sound quite manic right now… Haro…"

Lacus looked left and right, searching for an instrument of her vengeance. And then, she saw a group of soldier girls still drenching the after-effects of Kira's dish with water, muttering a passing remark:

"…but you know? The chef… Kira was it… he's quite a looker isn't he?"

"True, true… but he's the captain's brother you know? I think our chances are a bit… slim…"

Lacus blinked… and then her frown slowly turned upside down.

"Light~bulb!"

Kira: 1

Lacus: 0

000000000000

Gino hold true to Kira's suggestion. In the last three days, he watched over Lacus, but, he do so from a safe distance, using his bloodline limit to his advantage, namely, the eyesight of his eagle side. Often times he do so by standing on the roof of a small building, one of his eye turned to an eagle eye, allowing him to see from far away. But… Lacus had done a grand job endearing herself to the populace, none of them showed any indication of harming her. Plus, Kage never left her unguarded: she's either with Chiba, or with one of the Shadowguards: the arrow user.

"Perhaps master Yamato was right. My concern was at a minimum." Gino chuckled. "I guess… I should leave it at that." Gino averted his gaze away from the princess. He's getting tired of the scenery anyway… that and… the Milly girl had been glancing his way more than once. Perhaps what the Tolle boy said about the girl being second best shot was not a joke at all… Which makes him wonder, if the second best is already this good… how good is the number one?

And so today, Gino took the time off, and focus his attention elsewhere, namely: the ship. Various parts of this ship are indeed still under construction. He was well aware of the tale of the Archangel hoax. "But I never imagined this thing really is a fully functional ship… and it can float too… How the devil can the Alliance construct something this big and still it slipped past our spies?" He can still see scaffolds and platforms here and there, filled with people hammering away at holes and parts that showed underframes and the like. Cranes, going up and down, delivering construction materials. He understood of course that it was a construction process. This thing, already as huge as it is, is not yet complete. God willing, it's not yet fully operational. Gino shuddered at the thought of how much destruction it can unleash when it was fully completed.

In addition to the horrifying number of armaments, the fortress possessed all the necessary facility constructed upon the superstructure to maintain an enormous number of invasion force: it has a complete barracks… multiple of them in fact, scattered in multiple strategic location aboard the ship, each with its own armories, shooting range, dojos, stables, granaries, smelting plants… it even came complete with Lumber mill, refinery for processing iron ore, smithery… and… is that a fully functional animal farm?

Guard towers stood tall up across the various points of the ship, ever watchful to the ocean. This ship is designed for long term engagement. To be able to support the enormous army it can carry for long periods of time, for a very long campaign. 2000 men, and 1000 families… and by his rough estimation, this place can still hold like… several times of that number!

Gino began jotting the details of this ship on a piece of paper. If he's gonna stay on this ship for a while, he better makes the best of it. If this monster had a weakness, he need to find it lest the Alliance get the crazy idea of mass producing this thing and that will be the end of it.

By then, the rough picture of the Archangel Fortress Ship is only partially complete. Gazing from where he's standing, he can only cover about 30 percent of this ship's superstructure. That's but a small fraction of this battleship as a whole. But then, he stopped and looked around. If any soldiers saw him drawing a map of the battleship, they could grow suspicious. And it won't be just his life on the line, it'll be Lacus' as well. 'At any rate… I'll have to do this slowly. I got the time. The Princess would stay here for a month anyway…'

"Torii!"

Gino gasped and nearly fell from his perching spot. He looked back and saw, to his relief, Kage's loyal avian friend, Torii, perched more firmly than him on the roof. "Master Torii, you really surprised me."

"Torii!" The bird tilted his head. His red eye stared at Gino, observing him from head to toe. And then his gaze landed on the paper filled with depiction of the Archangel.

Gino smiled. "Well… I'm drawing this battleship. Don't mind me, okay?"

But contrary to what Gino expected…

Torii DOES mind.

In a flash of green blur, Torii flew and knocked the pencil in Ginno's hand right on a crucial stroke, causing a huge smear to appear on the map that Gino had painstakingly made, also tearing the paper apart, ruining it. "oh! Master Torii!" An irritated Gino glanced at Torii, flapping his wings so casually. Gino shook his head and readied another paper, preparing to redo his long work, but then, as he looked for his pencil, he found it gone. He looked around and then, Torii's flapping sound gave the answer.

Gino's pencil securely on his claws, Torii floated calmly before Gino.

"Alright, enough playing now." Gino reached for the pencil, but Torii tossed it away from his reach, lost in the vast complexes below.

Gino's jaw hung at the bird's action… and then he realized what he misunderstood as an animal's innocent mischief was actually a display of human level intellect. A brilliant one at that. The bird knew that he's drawing the map of the Archangel. And it knew, for all intents and purposes, that the drawings will be used against the 7th division… against his master's men… against its master as well.

Given the circumstances, Gino was taking the role of an unwitting but dedicated spy… and he certainly would not miss the chance to act upon it.

Kage knows this…

And so he make sure this bird will keep an eye on him, wherever he goes, whatever he do…

And Torii will also take actions appropriately, as a counter spy.

"Okay… so I watched over you in Junius and now you watched over me… is that it?" Gino twitched in disbelief.

"Torii!" Torii replied in a singsong tone.

Torii: 1

Gino: 0

000000000000

The wide grin that threatened to tear his face apart can't seem to vanish from Kira's face, even when one of his eyes blackened, courtesy of Chiba's fist.

"Kid… are you okay?" Mwu nervously asked, seeing the blackened eye.

"Never. Better." Kira replied jovially.

"Haa…" Mwu don't know what else to say.

As the two walked the corridor, Kira and Mwu noticed someone peeked at them from the corner. "Hm?" It was a girl, peeking at them, or specifically, at Kira.

Upon realizing that she had been noticed, the girl quickly hid behind the wall. Kira and Mwu halted. "Yes?"

The girl finally came out. She was quite cute, albeit older than Kira by around 2 years… or so, with brown hair and pigtail. Her face is red with embarrassment. She timidly approached Kira. "Anoo…"

"Yes?" Kira tilted his head.

The girl take one more look at Kira's face, and shyly turned away again, her face redder than before. "Ano… H… Here…" with trembling hands, the girl lifted a pink box with white ribbons.

"This is…?" Kira looked at the pink box, confusion evident. Not so with Mwu who get it in the first look. "Chocolate?"

"A… Anoo… Kira… no Yamato…san…no…sama…" the girl timidly squeaked.

"Hmmm?"

"I… I like you!" There, she said it.

Mwu chuckled.

"…sorry…" Kira flatly stated. "But I don't like chocolate."

The elder of the two jawdropped. 'Oi, what on earth is your heart made of, buddy?'

"Eh? Umm… umm… just eat it first!" Suddenly the girl took a step forward.

Kira remained calm. "I appreciate the thought. But I'm sorry. I REALLY can't eat sweets. Chocolate, Jawbreakers, lollipop… anything sweet. I went into spasms and analeptic shock every time I do. They say I'm allergic to it."

"A… A… Anyway! Please just eat first! I guess I'm a little bit too early… she did say I had to be a bit forceful but…"

"She?" Kira twitched. "Who's SHE?"

Before the girl can answer, another girl soldier, more macho than the first one came in and brought another box, again filled with chocolate. "There he is! Yamato-san! Eat my chocolate!"

"Huh?" Kira's face suddenly began to pale.

"Here, here! Don't be shy!" The macho girl took the liberty opening the box, revealing a handmade chocolate, charcoal colored. Its stench made everyone in the room frown and felt slightly nauseous.

"Hey that's cheating! Yamato-san! Eat mine first!" The first girl took her present and tore it open, revealing another handmade chocolate. The two shoved their chocolate to Kira's mouth.

But before Kira can do anything, another 3 showed up on the left, another 5 showed on the right. All bearing handmade chocolate in all sorts of forms and mess.

"Yamato-san! Eat my chocolate!" "No eat mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!"

And by the looks of their zeal, they're well prepared to force-fed that food down his gullet if they had to.

Kira felt like he would prefer being surrounded by an army of Undead generals out for his blood compared to this pinch. However, seeing the situation and that little exchange, Kira already had a prime suspect in mind. "Mwu-san? Help me! I need to find the culprit."

"Are you a shinobi or not?"

"Right." Kira squeaked and grabbed something from Mwu's back and slammed it to the floor. The smoke pellet set off, and once the smoke clears away, Kira was nowhere in sight.

"Where is he?"

"Uhh… girls?" Mwu clapped to attract their attention. "Mind if I ask what exactly is going on?"

To Kira's horror, what happened in that corridor was but a sneak preview to a full scale house of terror. From every corner, at every turn, somehow, there's one… or two dozen girls, all with their own handmade chocolate, and they all invariably attempted to forcefed him that chocolate or beat him down and then forcefed the chocolate, or just restrained him and then jam the chocolate.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?"

The sound of Kira squealing in terror in parts unknown of the ship can only be heard in nearby areas.

But to Lacus, listening calmly while sipping her sweet tea in her safe spot at the Captain's Bridge Tower, the screams was as clear as day, and for her, it's like music to her ears. "Ahh… payback is nice…"

And then, as expected, Kira suddenly appeared in front of her as he slammed the door open. His face smeared in chocolate, remnants of some of the girl's abortive attempt to shove that brown colored food to his mouth. His bloodshot eyes glared with all the intensity of a raging mad man and his mouth foams with fury. "LACUS! WHAT. DID. YOU. DO!?"

"Ara? Nothing much." Lacus innocently replied. "I just gave them a few tips."

"Tips?"

"Hai." Lacus nodded. "You see… there are many unmarried female soldiers aboard this ship, and most of them are your loyal fangirls, Kira-sama. But… you know, they were all afraid of confessing to you because they don't know how to do it. I took pity on them, seeing you were so… irreproachable… So I gave them a few tips… based on my own (cough)fake(cough) experiences."

Flashback:

"The key, is that you had to take the initiative (koff). And the hard way too! (koff)" Hikari began lecturing the girls. The title of her lecture: how to win Kira Yamato's heart. "See, guys are sometimes a bit shy (koff). But if there's a way to force them to open their heart, it's food. (koff)" Hikari rubbed her tummy. "You know what they say (koff): a man's heart is located right next to his stomach. (koff)"

The eager listening girls nodded ceremoniously.

One of the girls, the brown haired pigtail, raised her hand. "Hikari-sensei! What's the best food that would do for Yamato-sama?"

"As for the food (koff). Did you girls know that 14th February used to be the Valentine day? (Koff) Girls gave the guy they like Chocolate. (Koff)" And then, Hikari added deviously. "I happened to know, Kira-san, like his Brother (koff), LIKES sweets. (KOFF) ESPECIALLY CHOCOLATE."

Ms. Pink and all other Haros sweatdropped at the horrendous slander.

"Problem is… he will first say he dislike it (koff). And he will strongly reject it as well, claiming he'll go sick and went into spasm… (Koff) stuff like that (koff). It was the same with me and Kage… (koff) he was very shy and weight conscious (koff). That's why he rejected my chocolate (koff). He's afraid to gain weight (koff)." Hikari chuckled. "Something about getting in the way during his work (koff). He continued to say that… (koff) until I pin him down and force fed my chocolate down his throat (koff). Then he started singing differently. (koff)"

"So… when you said we had to take initiative… you're saying we had to force him to eat our chocolate?" the macho woman looked a bit spirited.

"It's gonna be hard." Hikari then pointed at herself. "But… as the one who had successfully dated his brother, allow me to say… it was WORTH it!" Oh yes. It was worth it. She wouldn't be able to do this if she had not done what she had done. The girls who had a crush with Kira wouldn't dare to ignore the tip coming straight from the 'girlfriend' of the 'brother' of the said person.

Now all the girls looked very eager and excited. But then, they all looked at each other, realizing with so many competitors, in the end… there can only be ONE!

Seeing she had all in readiness, Lacus proceed and hammer the final coffin nail: "That concludes my lecture. Let's drink up! May the best girl succeed!" Hikari raised her teacup to the air.

Others also raised the tea to the air… and then they drank the Love Potion laced tea down to the last drop.

Flashback end.

Kira trembled head to toe as he looked in horror at a small pink bottle in Lacus' hand. The Love Potion she put into the tea that went down the throat of just about every single girl that had a crush on him aboard this ship.

"Relax. This one has been diluted. The effect is not dangerous or permanent. It simply made their affection a bit… stronger. So don't be surprised if they're a bit… overzealous." Lacus gingerly dropped the love potion down her pocket. "And the effect will wear off in… an hour… or two… or three…"

"You…" The door frame had long since been crushed to smithereens asKira's eyes began to blacken with rage again. The same rage that propel him to butcher an army of Bladebanes. The same rage that will propel him to tear this whore to pieces right this ins-

"GIIRRLS! HE'S RIGHT HEREEE!" Lacus screeched so loud that all the girls with 100 meter radius heard her call. Already, Kira can hear the clarion of calls from an army of frenzied lovestruck girls, all calling and howling his name, all armed with weapons grade chocolate. Kira turned and saw Lacus evil smirk just before she closed the door and magically locked it from inside.

Lacus sat calmly as she listen the howls coming outside. "HAAAH! AAARGH! GET AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAHHH!" And the sound grew distant, a sign that Kira had ran off again. The legion of fangirls followed him, chanting and squealing his name fervently.

Lily looked at Lacus' satisfied smile. "I gave the tea to roughly a hundred or so people. That's over a hundred people that all have been told to forcibly feed him with chocolate. And Kira's far too kind to violently stop innocent bewitched fawning girls who simply wanted to give him chocolate. But no matter how good Kira at dodging them, law of probability says at least one will succeed."

"Lacus, you just did something so terribly evil so casually. Haro." Lily sweatdropped. "And I'm supposed to be a Greater Daemon!"

And Kira ran for his life all across the ship, dodging an army of fangirls. Problem is, apparently, Lacus also distributed that tea not just to females…

"KIRA-SAMAAAA-!" Kira felt so disgusted he could die when he saw a guy is also coming at him, carrying a massive chocolate on his back. "PLEASE TAKE THIS-BWUOOH!"

The charge was stopped by a chair Kira lunged to the man's head. At that point, all thoughts of running away were suddenly replaced with the burning need to make a certain pink haired princess pay dearly for this. Dodging fan-girls left and right, Kira employed every bit of his shinobi skills: stealth, shunshin, smoke pellets, kawarimi, even Genjutsu and Ninjutsu to make his way to the kitchen, where he ran into Senba and Neil. Looking at the state Kira was in, a cross between a bloodthirsty psychopath and someone on the verge of losing his wit and pissed himself on his pants, it was little wonder that the two asked: "What… happened?"

"If you see an army of maniacal fangirls armed to teeth with weapons grade chocolate, send them another way!"

Kira hid under the cabinet. Momentarily, the girls catch up and looked around.

"Ladies? What are you looking for?"

"Did you see Kira-sama?"

Neil and Senba looked at each other and then they pointed to another direction: "He went thataway."

Once the legion vanished, Kira dared himself to get out of his hiding spot, and then, he quickly get to work with a vengeance: "Tabasco, green chili, red chili, white chili, white pepper, black pepper, chili sauce, what else… what else…" Kira began concocting the instrument of his vengeance by gathering all sorts of spicy seasoning and put them all in the pot and boil them.

"Umm… Kira-san… what are you making?"

"My revenge, Senba-san. My revenge." A maniacal Kira looked at Neil. "Neil-san, you know any place where I can get a clear shot at the bridge tower?"

"uhh… sure…?" Neil blinked several times.

Momentarily, in a watch tower overlooking the bridge tower…

"Yep. This is my humble abode." Neil led Kira to his usual spot. "This is a very strategic spot: I can see the whole of the ship from here, and there's the bridge tower."

"Good." Kira unloaded his package: a giant and thick cylindrical arrow, bandaged allover, strapped with several explosive tags across the surface, loaded to the brim with Kira's spicy concoction hailing from Hell. "Neil-san! If you be so kind and shoot this thing INTO the Bridge Tower, please?"

"Bridge Tower? That's your brother's office! He's gonna kill me!"

"No, he's not." Like hell he will. "The Bridge Tower is currently being occupied by a bitch of a witch! Trust me when I say this, he'll REWARD you for shooting her down."

Neil still looked a bit uncertain, but he took the odd arrow anyway and took his aim. Before he let loose, he asked one more time. "You're sure?"

"Shoot it…" And then Kira added an incentive. "…and I swear not only no punishment will come to you, I'll add you an incentive with double grog and food if you hit the bitch in the head. But don't kill her or knock her unconscious: I want her to feel the heat in FULL."

Neil sweat dropped. 'What is this, some kind of grudge?' "Okay. But… knock it off with the incentive. I don't like shooting a girl in the head." And Neil let loose with a controlled and carefully measured strength.

The arrow zoomed across the air.

Inside…

Lacus was happily seeping her sweet tea when the package literally punched a hole through the wall, shocking her off her seat, and it landed with a crash inches away from her exposed head. Lacus looked in horror and saw the arrow AKA the Mother Of All (Spicy) Bomb, and written on its surface: a big bold profane writing of: Bon appétit, bitch.

The explosive tag set off…

And in an instant, the bridge tower was enveloped in a mushroom cloud of spicy chilly red, the whole upper portion of the building was drenched chili red hot like blood seeping out of every nook and cranny, and Lacus howls was like millions of voices cried out in anguish and then was suddenly silenced in a burst of red hot chilly thermonuclear explosion. "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Down below, Elle-chan felt she just heard the painful scream from her beloved onee-chan. "Onee-chan?"

Kira heard this and he laughed evilly in pleasure. "Now THAT's the kind of sweet I like: the sweet, sweet revenge."

Neil cowered back in fear, for in place of a chef, he saw a maniac straight from Hell.

But all the sudden, the tower shook. Alarmed, Kira and Neil looked down.

"Oh. My. God." The two echoed.

Down below, the army of bewitched fan-girls were massing beneath the fragile wooden tower. "THERE! I SEE HIM! KIRA-SAMAAAA!"

The girls began to shake the tower in their zeal.

"Wait a minute… what the… what are they doing!?" Neil looked down. And now that he noticed it, the girls looked crazed and their blank eyes glazed over. "What's wrong with them?"

"Love potion! Courtesy of the witch!" Kira answered short while holding onto the tower for dear life.

"They're gonna bring the tower down!"

The demented fan-girls continue to shake the tower left and right in a feverish pitch, until at last, with one horrible crash, the wooden tower finally fell down coupled with Kira and Neil screamed their lungs out at the top of the said tower. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Kira: 2

Lacus: 1

000000000000

Gino and Torii stare at each other for the longest time.

"You really aren't gonna let me go, are you?"

"Torii."

"Okay… okay…" Gino think quick… what's the best thing that can make a bird busy for hours? Bread crumbs. He grabbed a bunch of bread crumbs from his bag and offered it up to Torii.

At first, Torii DOES look interested.

"Here you go." Gino moved the bread to the left, Torii moved to the left. Gino moved his hand to the right, Torii moved to the right. "And… GO!" Gino throw the bread crumb to the great nowhere, and Torii flew to the great nowhere.

Gino smirked. Soon, he get himself a new fresh paper and some spare pencil, and once again he start jotting a new blueprint…

…until Torii flew back a scant a few minutes and pecked the unwary Gino by. The. Butthole. Full force and was done so really, REALLY hard, it will ensure suffering for a thousand years to the victim.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!" A screaming Gino jumped to the sky, holding his ass, and naturally fell off the roof. And then he mashed through a roof, then a table, then a floor, and finally to a toilet, diving head first to the closet.

Up above, the half drawn blueprint was caught by Torii, who tore it to shreds within moments with his claws.

Torii: 2

Gino: 0

000000000000

Dinner time…

And it's… curry.

And to everyone's horror… It's a really, really hot curry…

Forcing everyone to once again ready a large supply of water. But with Kira…

He ate and ate, and ate, and ate… eating more spices rather than rice. He needed to wipe this disgusting taste off his mouth.

When they found him and Neil, roughly a few hours ago, Neil was battered and trampled with imprints of woman shoes all over his body. But he laughed it off and there's another person in dire need of medical attention: a foaming Kira collapsed on the floor, frothing and gasping, with roughly half a dozen chocolate stuck on his mouth and a really high blood sugar level.

When they plucked him out, the first thing he need was something to wash his mouth.

And so, while others were drinking water by the barrel, Kira simply said: "Another serving of that super spicy curry please!"

And Senba simply gave another serving. One whole drum had been wasted on Kira alone.

"Kira… what is it with you and that girl?" Mwu finally asked. "Can't you two… you know… get along?"

"It's NOT me." Kira blared. "It's her! Doing all she likes, turning other people's life upside down and she didn't even feel the least bit guilty about it!"

"You spiked her food." Chiba pointed.

"Shoot her with a load of spicy MOAB right in front of her face." Mwu added. "The bridge tower is still contaminated with spicy radiation… and so is she."

"AFTER she put me in coma for 3 freakin' days! Poisoned AND brainwashed entire army of girls and had them forcibly jammed god knows how many chocolate down my throat… H… How can you even compare them!?"

"Kira, calm down!"

"Calm down? I AM CALM!" Kira roared back… with twitching bloodshot maniacal eyes, foaming mouth, twitching fingers, and messier than usual hair… with smoke piping out of his head.

And if everyone thinks Kira's temper (and mental stability) was bad… well… they should see Lacus.

000000

Lacus dipped herself down the herbal hot waters of the Angel's bath, all the way to her nose. She's been dipping herself for 3 hours, and still her body reeks of spices. She smell like curry! And hot the water maybe, but Megi can testify that Lacus is even hotter than the water. Both figuratively, and literally. The water around Lacus was boiling and scalding hot like a smelter, the result of Lacus' raging fury.

"I can't believe this, I'm already using Hellfire! And I can still feel she's hotter than my flame!" Megi looked at her wet arm.

Levi shook her head. "Well, you know what they say, Hell hath not the fury of woman scorned." Megi merely nodded several times, agreeing.

Lily took a dip together with Lacus, helping her washing herself, trying her best to rid the smell… but they permeate so strong, Lily had doubt she could erase them completely… if ever. "Lacus… Haro. Not that I'm defending Kira or anything. Haro. But… I must say you really overdid it with that last one. Haro."

Lacus continue to sulk and the water boiled more ferociously around her.

"Come on girl! Haro! You know, you've been really odd. Haro!"

"ODD!?" Lacus spurted.

"I always take you as a patient and composed girl. Haro. But with Kira, you seem so easily… vexed."

"VEXED!? NEVER! He can't vex me! Do I looked like I'm VEXED TO YOU!?" Lacus roared back to Lily, with yellowed skin, reddened eyes, pink smoke bursting out the seams of her head, and gritted teeth, crowned with foam and drool.

"No… just rabid." The trio of Haros of Pink, Red and Blue echoed. What else they're supposed to say?

Lacus drank even the waters of her bath up to the point Levi could've sworn the water level of the Olympic pool sized bath decreased. And finally she quenched the spiciness in her mouth. But her body still stinks.

The pink haired doctor heaved up and down, the spiciness is gone, but her rage hasn't. "At any rate, I won't be satisfied until I make him pay for his childishness."

"Look who's talking, haro. You're childish enough for me, haro."

"SHUT UP!" Lacus growled… but then, her ears began to catch something… coming from below. Lacus placed her hand over her ear, listening harder. People… talking, plates clattering… people eating? "This place… it was built on top of the mess hall?"

"Murdoch must've set it up in such a way so that the fires from the stoves and lightings will help heating up the water above…" Megi surmised. But her neutral expression quickly shifted into horror when she saw the look on Lacus' face. "By Lucifer… oh, no…"

000000

Meanwhile, the mess hall has been mostly vacated, with only Kira, Senba, Mwu, the trio of Shadowguards, and a couple of resting soldiers in place.

A dozen plate of curry that burn his mouth was no help. Kira looked around and saw a bottle of Tabasco. Desperate, he grabbed it and drank the whole bottle like gulping water. Once he finished it, everyone gulped and fully expected him to start bursting fire from his nostrils. But to their surprise, what happened was the exact opposite.

Kira calmed down. The overwhelming sweet after taste was now but tingling pang on his tongue.

Panting, but now calm and no longer psychotic, Kira sat down. "…I'll clean up the tower starting tomorrow. I'm just gonna need a mop and a load of soap. Mind, it'll still stink of spices for some time."

"But… chef… please…" One of the soldiers pleaded. "Please don't give us anything so hideously spicy like that for some time."

Kira chuckled and nodded. "I understand. Tomorrow we'll eat something milder…" Kira absentmindedly took his cup of tea, unaware that something just drip from the ceiling, straight into his drink. When Kira drank it, he choked at how sweet it was. "Hmm?" Kira looked at his tea. The dark brown color had turned a bit light brown. As it was mixed with some… milk? He didn't remember he added such thing to his tea.

"Still. One thing, Kira." Milly's stern tone momentarily distracted the chef. "I really think you should make peace with Hikari-chan. Remember, he's your brother's doctor."

Kira looked at Milly with a frowned gaze. But after a while, he chuckled lightly. "You're right." Kira chuckled again. Now his bloodthirst and lust for vengeance seem to wane. "Fine, fine. I'll make something up and hold on a truce. From the very beginning this whole thing started because she was being a silly little childish girl, for God's sake. Now let's do this sensibly." Kira calmly stated. "I guess it was stupid of me to play along."

And then, another droplet of cream landed, and this time it was large enough that it landed on Kira's head with a SPLORCH and drenched his head in white.

This time, EVERYONE had to notice. Kira stick out his tongue and taste the white thing. "…whipped cream?"

And then, slowly, dreadfully, everyone looked up… and saw the ceiling began to dampen.

"Oi… this mess hall… is located… where?" Mwu nervously gulped.

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Up above, a smirking Lacus chanted non stop as she transfigured every last drop of water in the bathhouse into sugar cream and caramel. Naturally, the thicker cream and caramel is heavier and the floor began to crack. Pretty soon, it was raining cream and caramel down below as the liquid seeps through.

"Lacus, you realize you're about to demolish this bath again?"

"Anything magic breaks, magic can fix." Lacus answered short and with that logic she continued her work.

But Lily protested: "But Lacus, Haro. Your target is Kira! Haro. There are other people down there. Haro. You want to hit them too!?"

"Worry not." Lacus stated confidently. "I'm sure at this very moment…"

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"EVERYONE! EVACUATE THE MESS HALL NOW!" Kira roared as the ceiling start raining cream and caramel at an increasingly rapid rate. Everyone clearly don't fancy getting showered with cream and caramel – even though they taste pretty good.

As soon as the last soldier had left the mess hall, Kira finally rushed through the door… only to find his face slammed flat at the entrance.

Everyone turned and saw Kira still trapped inside.

"Kira, what are you doing? Get out!" Tolle gasped.

Kira pushed forward, but try as he might he can't get out. There's an invisible wall standing in front of him. "I can't!" Kira banged the invisible wall several times.

The Shadowguards frowned. Sai stretch out his hand and reached Kira. He can hold on to Kira's hand, but when he tried to pull him, it was as if Kira was snagged by something. Not even his finger can get through. That's when they realized there's an invisible wall erected at the entrance… and that wall bar Kira, and ONLY Kira from exiting the premise.

It clearly defies reason. Like some kind of magic was in place.

Leaving just one culprit in mind.

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Up above, yet another one of Lacus doppelganger Shikigami stand ready. This one look geekish. With thick glasses, messy hair and wearing what appears to be a cross between a white scientist coat and a scholar dress, complete with the graduation hat and lots of scrolls and parchment on her back. She's currently scribing something on an open thick book held suspended in midair with her pink quill, writing something in its pages:

In the room by the name of mess hall. One exit it possessed. Exit all may, re-enter all shall not. Let this law be enforced to this door to all but one by the name of Kira Yamato. An hour must pass before entry allowed, die shall he not in all manner until this law is realized, and none shall interfere until this law ran its course. An hour must pass before all spells and altercation of mystical nature shall be lifted, thus this law decrees.

"'tis done milady." The scholar Lacus bowed down. Her speech is in antiquated language.

"Thank you very much, Belphy." Lacus smiled in triumph. "And none can come in, right?"

"None shall pass as the law dictates." Belphy, the scholar Lacus bowed again. "And may I say, this is evil, verily evil, milady."

"Good." Lacus twirled her finger. "And now to put the final push… Haroha, haroha, roharo…!"

Lacus began swaying left and right…

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Try as they might, the Shadowguards just can't pull Kira out nor can they come in

"Milly." Kira murmured, knowing what will come next. "About making peace with that witch…"

Milly blinked.

"On second thought… I'm going to catch her." Kira's eyes are now brimming with murderous rage, ten times the previous amount. "I'm going to catch her alive, then I'm gonna slowly, painfully, and excruciatingly kill her myself with my own hands."

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"Haro-haro-POP!"

A burst of pink was launched from Lacus' fingers to the pool of cream and caramel.

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And in an instant, the bath's floor, therefore, by extension, the mess hall's ceiling suddenly became transparent and immaterial. The mass of cream and caramel that has been seeping through the seams phased through the no longer solid floor and collapsed on top of the mess-hall (Kira) en masse, flooding everything to the brim with sugar cream and caramel.

Seeing her handiwork from the see through floor, Lacus smirked and twirled her finger. Moments later, the immaterial floor became solid again as if nothing happened and closed the view. And Lacus left with a satisfied snarl on her face.

Kira: 2

Lacus: 2

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At any rate, that was the standing score for the day. An hour later, the spell that blocked the door to the mess hall was unraveled, and the cream and caramel turned back to bath water in an instant. Nothing inside was damaged safe Kira's pride. Taking his two hour bath in the recently but partially rebuilt man's lavatory, Kira decidedly slept in Mwu's office. Sleep as in he only lay his body on the bed while his mind still wide awake, calculating a myriad of ways he can get his payback. But eventually he grew tired of it and slept anyway, recovering his strength for tomorrow.

Lacus' condition was no better. With the Bridge Tower completely contaminated with chilly sauce and pepper cloud radiations that can penetrate even the filtration unit of Lacus' suit, she can't slept in Kira's office lest she'll choke. No other choice, she slept in Chiba's room. Problem is, that also means Lacus had to try to sleep with her suit on, resulting on her difficulty to sleep in a way she's not accustomed to. Worse, the residual spice smell from her body assaulted her olfactory senses to no end. Somehow, she managed to do so after a few hours of twisting and turning uncomfortably in her bed.

As the two sides rested to lick their 'wounds', a clandestine meeting took place in a secret spot between three figures…

"The question is… I think they really need to decide whether they really like each other or one just can't live while the other one still exist." Sai calmly surmised the current situation.

"What's more, they left a hell lot of devastation in their quarrels." Tolle gulped. "I mean… Sai and I are professional pranksters and demolishers… but their idea of pranks border on war crime!"

"Chemical warfare, WMDs flying allover the place, malignant brain washing, flashes flooding, food poisoning… haahh… ALL THIS happened in HALF a day! Putting these two together will be difficult." Sai concluded.

"VERY difficult." Tolle added as he raised his hand.

"Well, this is not Mission Difficult gentlemen, this is Mission Nearly Impossible." Mwu answered with a smirk. "Difficult should be a walk in the park for us."

"Easier said than done… I'm starting to think maybe I should listen to Milly. She did say we should leave those two alone."

"We did leave them alone… and look what happened." Fact is, Sai and Tolle's ONLY involvement of the day was when they locked the two in the room alone. But they forgot that Kira was also one of the blacklist who always kept a dozen explosive tag or two under his sleeves.

"Well… I was the one who convinced Lacus-chan that she and Kira had to share a room… so I guess I have something to blame too." Mwu noted.

"Sigh…" All three sighed. "So what should we do?"

"Let's put this in perspective. How did this… enmity started anyway?"

"Because Lacus gave Kira the wrong dosage on her Aromatherapy Bathhouse?" Sai surmised.

"Wrong. The root came from their vastly differing taste: Kira likes spices, but despise sweets to the point of allergy. Lacus loves sweets, and she dislikes spices to roughly the same level." Mwu spoke up. "We need to find a central neutral ground. Find something they both like in equal measure… then we'll work it out from there."

What the three didn't realize was, they're about to start a full course, three times a day war on the scale the likes of which the crews of Archangel had never seen before.

On the final note, Taka, Hikari's masked bodyguard was found unconscious with his head stuck on a privy's hole, leaving him as an incredibly smelly character for a while…

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Prankcraft I: Cake and Curry.

Breakfast…

Came morning, came breakfast…

But everybody couldn't help to feel they're entering a gladiatorial arena instead of a mess hall. God knows what sort of magic Mwu pulled out, but when they get there, what they found was two kitchens facing each other. Standing on each counter, is Kira and Hikari, both wearing an apron.

"So… care to explain the meaning of this? Mwu-san?" Kira deathglared at Lacus across the table, who returned the favor with daggers flying out of her visor.

"Yesterday's devastation was started because of the differing taste between you two. Therefore, here's my idea. The two of you will cook. The one who make the best dish, wins." Mwu explained briefly.

Kira's grin couldn't get wider. Kira was never one to brag his cooking skills, but for the first time in his life, he felt like he can gloat. "Are you sure? That doesn't sound fair… for her." Kira snorted. He imagined Lacus never even touched a frying pan all her life.

"Kira-san. (Koff) CATCH!"

All the sudden, a plate flew from the other side of the table. A plate, filled with a roast chicken, with bread scraped with some butter like substance. But it's only a small piece… though for Kira… that's NOT the usual small piece. "This… chicken piece…" Kira took a bite. It's wobbly… but very tender and juicy. "Sot-l'y Laisse? And it's well roasted…"

Lacus smirked. As expected of Kira. He knew.

"Sot-l'y Laisse?" Mwu frowned in confusion as do most of the soldiers.

"It's a small piece of dark meat, nestled above poultry's thigh." Kira kept eying the piece in his fork. "It's French for: 'only idiots left it behind.' Amateur chefs who don't realize its true value often times leave it in the carcass untouched. And… this… bread…" Kira grabbed the bread and taste both the bread and the butter. A rich chicken flavor went into his mouth. "This is… you use the chicken's own fat to boil its meat, bashing until it became soft and buttery…"

"Eat it together if you dare!" Lacus challenged.

That's exactly what Kira did. Putting the Roast Chicken atop two bread pieces, eating it together as Panini sandwich, and it was… a concentrated chicken taste that is delicious beyond compare. It's like all the chicken he had eaten up until now was beyond expiry date. Kira looked at Lacus, shock evident. "You… how…?"

Lacus chuckled as she spun her knife expertly. "Who do you take me for? (koff) Just because I have a personal chef at home doesn't mean I can't cook. (koff) During my study as a doctor, before carving humans, I started with carving animals. (koff) Some of the failed result mostly goes into my stomach! (koff) So naturally I would want to make whatever I put in my mouth taste better (koff)!" Lacus rubbed her tummy. "By the way, you called it 'Only Idiots left it Behind.' Right? (koff) I'll have you know, I made that using leftovers from your cooking yesterday. (koff) So what does that make you I wonder? (koff)"

Kira twitched as his face darkened and everyone swallowed a gulp. He finished up Lacus' sandwich in a breath and then move on to the fish storage. There's a pool, filled with myriads of fishes. Kira take his choice: a puffer fish. Putting the fish on the table, he get to work with his knife. Five minutes later, Kira had finished his dish. "Puffer fish Sushi, done." To answer her earlier challenge, Kira put it right in front of Lacus. "Eat it. I. dare. you."

Luckily, the audience is in safe distance. Lacus took off the mask that covered only her mouth. She took a piece with a chopstick and ate it. The first thing that went into her tongue was the sharp cold of the meat. She felt like she was eating ice. But then, the temperature of her mouth warms the food, and then steadily, the overwhelmingly rich taste of the puffer fish came to life in her mouth. It's like the fish is still alive and flipping inside her. Vastly different than anything raw but dead meat she had eaten before. "You… what… did you…" The puffer fish was usual… and sushi is raw fish, you don't cook it or anything. Leaving just one alterable aspect: "What did you do with the knife?"

Kira grinned and revealed his trump card: kitchen knife, cleaved into cooling ice. "I froze the knife. The point of Sushi, is to keep the meat fresh until it was eaten. When I cut into the fish, the cold knife instantly flash freeze the still living flesh of the fish at that exact moment; keeping it 'alive' until it was eaten. Oh, and if you please direct your attention to the fish holding tank…" Kira pointed at the holding tank.

Lacus looked at the water… and she couldn't believe her eyes. The Puffer fish, already but bones, vital organs, head and fins, and it's still swimming around, not realizing its predicament. The audience reacted with awe. That was a show of some really high level cooking skills.

"Knowing Sot-l'y Laisse… well, I guess that means you have some skills." Kira took another piece of the bread and eat it. "But don't think you can beat me easily just by knowing something other cooks don't."

"Interesting… (koff)." Lacus also became somewhat excited. "Fine. Let's settle this, dish to dish!"

Sparks of super high voltage lit up in between their eyes.

The audience can also feel the rising tension. But before things escalate to uncontrollable levels, Mwu stepped forward. "By the way…" The two looked at the jounin. "Before I forgot, there's one more, very important rule… regarding the theme of the food."

"Eh?"

"Both of you… must cook the dish you dislike the MOST!" Mwu smirked meaningfully at a jaw dropping Kira. "That means, Kid… you have to bake something sweet for a change. A cake." And then he pointed at Hikari. "And you Doctor, seeing you are pretty good, you have to cook something spicy: curry."

"What kind of rule is that!?" The two echoed.

Mwu chuckled sinisterly. "That's the idea. If the two of you cook something you're good at, it'll be difficult for us to judge which is which. So, try to cook your worst dish. The panel of Judges will be me, Murrue, Canard, Kage (Tolle), and Chiba, if you be so kind?"

Kira felt something a little bit off with all this. "Don't alliance Captains have something else to do rather than hosting this ridiculous thing?" Now that he realized it, everyone is in the merry making mode already…

"Well, what do you expect? Outside combat, we are a merry bunch!" Mwu grinned. "Right! SPICE AND SWEET! SWEET AND SPICE! FOOD SENSE WILL BE TESTED! TONGUES WILL BE SHAKEN! WHICH COOKING REIGN SUPREME? WHICH TASTE BUD SHALL TAKE THE GLORY? WHOSE CHEF WILL-SPLOTRZ!"

"Hurry the fuck up and get on with it!" An impatient Canard roared as the tomato hit Mwu squarely in the face. The gong for this match has been rung!

Chocolate, sugar, cream, strawberry, milk, sugared fruits, jams, baking soda, flour.

Thyme, capulaga, turmeric, cinnamon, cumin, bay leaf, chili, sesame.

Both of the contestants looked at all this at their table, and could not, for the live of them, figure out where to start.

'I've made mochi, I've made fish cakes, I've made senbei, I've made dango… but I've never baked a cake before.'

'So… curry rice. We definitely need rice… but the curry sauce? How do you make that? Is there a spice called curry or something…'

And the two decided: "To hell with the basics. Let's do it the way I understand it."

They barely started and already everyone get bad vibes on this match.

First the ingredients:

Kira: Kelp, buckwheat flour, soy sauce, eggs, sugar, salt, coffee, chocolate, squid ink (!),fish – being fermented (?), miso (!?), tofu (?), onion (?), fishbones (!?), eyeballs (!?), and animal bones (!?).

"Kira… what are you making?" Mwu looked curiously at the kelp and the onion.

"Fruit cake." Kira answered short.

'Where's the fruit!?'

Lacus: Brown sugar, Sugar, Coffee, jam, oregano, chili, thyme, corn, vinegar, chocolate, blood (!?), cow sandals (!), goat horn (!?) chicken brain (!?), and… a plant whose leafs seems to be alive.

"Hikari-chan? What is that… plant?" Chiba gulped.

"That's a mandragora or mandrake for short." Hikari also answered. "Once the pus has been harvested, they boil down nice and make some unique tasting juice for treating petrification."

'What do you mean by PUS!?'

For a moment, things don't look promising enough…

Cooking:

Kira began by kneading the flour. However, Kira was so used to make noodles that he unthinkingly kneaded them the way he kneaded noodles. By the time Kira came to it, he realized he just made a soba, not a cake. A moment of thinking, and Kira had a bright idea of shaping the noodles into the form of a cake by braiding them.

Lacus just couldn't figure what to make of the sauce, so she put whatever into the pot: 3 pots of sugar, 3 plucked chilies, a whole glass of soda, an entire chicken-unplucked, butter, jam, soap, ink, eyeballs, all sorts of spices, all sorts of liquid. All this were cooked in a giant pot in a blazing fire. "It'll bring out the heat of their flavor just good. Yeah!"

Sweatdrop.

Kira begin chopping all sorts of things into small pieces. Octopus tentacle, chicken bones, chicken feet, Unknown, unknown, unknown, censored unknown, anything goes. At the same time, he melted tons of chocolate in a pot over a blazing fire, sprinkled with sugar – that was the plan, but Kira accidentally put in some mysterious looking salt instead. Kira also checked on the fermented herring, but a look and he shook his head, seeing it's not ready, and already the smell can knock flies off the sky.

Lacus began grinding the goat horn to dust, and then sprinkled it over the cow sandals, all coated in milk cream and then roasted to caramelize the whole thing. Meanwhile, Lacus continue to chop her ingredients literally to dust and then sprinkle them over her boiling soup which garnered a sickly pink and purple hue.

Sweatdrop, sweatdrop.

Against all odds and all sorts of ingredient that went into it, Kira's dish beginning to take a shape of an actual cake. Even Kira grew more and more confident about his work. But he was so excited, he forgot one thing: mind the fire on his melted chocolate.

"Kira! Watch out for the chocolate! You can't just directly roast the chocolate over fire like-"

Before Kage (Tolle) can finish, the chocolate boiled uncontrollably and by the time Kira was aware of his mishap, the chocolate pot exploded and gushed out allover the place. Kira dodged just in time to avoid the scalding hot chocolate, but his side of the kitchen was completely smeared in Chocolate, including his noodle cake. Kira peeked over the table and saw the result: the noodle cake has been completely covered in chocolate. That was the plan from the start but still…

"Wowie. (Koff) That is some way to coat a cake in chocolate… (Koff) IF you can call that a cake. (Koff)" Lacus couldn't help but to gloat and chuckle upon seeing the mess on Kira's station while collecting the puss from the Mandrake's leafs.

Kira glared back and quickly retorted. "I see you're working on the sauce… now where's the rice?"

Lacus blinked. "Rice?" And then she looked at her station. All that thought was put on the sauce, she forgot the most fundamental part of the curry: the rice. "Oops." In a hurry, Lacus grabbed some rice and began to wash them, but in a hurry, she forgot about other things… like the pus of the mandrake that still covered her armored fingers when she began washing the rice with her hands.

As the result, the rice developed a sickly color of toxic green. Lacus looked at the toxic green, pus laced rice seeds in her hands.

"Wow." Now it's Kira's turn to gloat. "So that's how you cook rice? You'll make a fine wife someday… if you don't kill your husband first!"

The two glared one another, bloodthirst evident.

Mwu quickly defuse the situation: "Alright! Alright! Please concentrate on cooking!"

But by then, the panel of judges are now shivering in sheer terror over what sort of monstrosity the two chefs will serve. They had a feeling one spoonful of that abomination will devastate the very foundations of their culinary sanity. How could someone with such godlike cooking skills made something so spectacularly bad when it involved the food they don't like?

The stress of cooking their least favorite food had began to show on the participants. Evident with how their temper fuse grew increasingly short over time.

Kira grabbed a gallon of fish oil and pour them over his chocolate covered noodle cake.

"Kira!? What are you doing?" Tolle panicked, thinking Kira had lost it.

"It's a technique called flambé, I think! I'm going to use it on the cake." Kira start making a trail of fish oil from the cake to some distance away. And then he began setting up the match. The fish oil began to burn and the fire trailed the fish oil track until finally the flame hit the cake, and voila: a giant conflagration, the cake was engulfed in towering flames… that also scorch part of the rooftop.

"Whoops." Kira chuckled nervously.

"Did you burn your rooftop every time you cook?" More sarcastic question from Lacus, her suit covered in an ominous odor.

Kira twitched upon smelling that odor and retorted back: "…and I suppose that thing you call curry is your recipe for the next generation human repellant cologne?"

Lacus twitched.

Again with the showdown of murderous intent between the two.

Seeing all this sparks flying around, Tolle looked at Mwu in panic. "I thought the idea was to make them kiss and make up!?"

"…" Mwu don't know what to say. They look more like ready to kill and bash up.

Kira smiled in satisfaction at his handiwork. As the flame stabilize and ferociously burn the chocolate to chaos and beyond, Kira approach it carefully but with no fear of the fire, observing the final stages of his cooking. Eventually, the flame died down well enough that Kira can stand right in front of his cake without flinching.

But Lacus chose that time to begin preparation to boil the Mandrake. And that is by pulling the plant out of the pot. But Lacus forgot the most important thing about handling a Mandragora from Herbiology 101:

Duck and cover your ears.

The root of the Mandrake looked like a person's head, and it start screaming the second it came out of the pot in a volume enough to shatter a few sound barriers. Everyone closed their ears as every window shattered, every glass cracks, and several pots literally exploded. But as mentioned before, everyone was in well safe distance, so their agony is only in the ear splitting scream of the unnatural plant. Lacus, the so called master of the sound, managed to survive the head on blast as her suit protected her ears from direct hit, if only a slight discomfort to her ears.

Kira was the one who suffered the most damage.

The shockwave from the scream knock Kira off his feet and sent him face first into his still flaming flambeu cake.

Lacus quickly jammed the Mandrake's mouth with the roasted and caramelized cow sandals and put it into the boiling pot of sauce, closed the lid, and the scream ended abruptly. But the damage was done. Kira was screaming painfully and dipped his smoking face into the fish holding tank to cool off, and now there's a nice imprint of his screaming face on the surface his flambeu cake, creating a ghastly flaming visage on it.

When Kira lifted his head, there was little to no damage save his hair being a few shades darker and gone slightly marimo at the front side of his hair. He glared murderously at Lacus, who continue to bow down profusely, clapping her hands together. "Waah! Sorry! Sorry! It's been ages since my last herbology studies! Ah… Ah…"

But Kira merely took a deep breath, nodded calmly, and returned back to his flambé cake without a word. But Shiki was shaking like crazy on Mwu's back. A sign that Kira's murderous rage and blood pressure had reached an all time high.

Lacus began making the rice. By some form of miracle, the rice came out right this time. And the curry(?) sauce is also boiling nicely. No mistake this time.

Likewise, Kira's flambeu chocolate cake also finished burning, and to the wonder and awe of everyone, the end result does look like an edible cake, apart from the screaming face strapped on the front side.

Lacus grabbed a spoon and were about to scoop up some of that sauce and pour it on her rice just as Kira lifted the finished albeit still flaming chocolate cake and walked down the middle to present his work to the judges.

As Kira walked, Lacus opened the lid of the pot. Some of the fish oil that Kira poured on the floor was still present, and Kira accidentally step on it. Needless to say he slipped, throwing his still slightly flaming chocolate cake to the sky. Seeing the fruit of his blood, sweat and tears in danger, Kira rushed in like a mother hen rescuing her beloved golden egg. Jumping with outstretched arm, Kira managed to catch the cake, but a small portion of the cake uppermost portion slid into the furnace that cook Lacus' pot of sauce.

A little reminder: Kira's cake use fish oil to lit up al flambeu. So there are still some of them left residing inside the cake. The flame cooking the pot erupted more ferociously as soon as the flame absorbed such potent fuel. And all the sudden, a loud scream from the Mandrake erupted, and it spit out the cow sandal, smash through the pot lid, hit the ceiling and start bouncing furiously allover the place at blinding speed. Until finally, it hit a pot from Kira's side, ricocheted, and smack Lacus squarely in the face with a knockout.

Kira quickly rushed to see what becomes of his opponent: a black imprint of a cow's hoof can be seen plastered on her armored face. No leak… but judging by the way it sank in, it will DEFINITELY leave a mark. After his mishap, Kira couldn't help but to feel like smiling.

Lacus felt like a building just smashed her face flat and she can feel one of her eyes was blackened. Seeing the smiling smirk from Kira's cute smug, she immediately suspected him of foul play. "Hey not fair! You sabotaged my dish, didn't you?"

"It was an Accident!" Kira defended himself. "Sides, it's not like your dish need any to make it taste any worse than it already is, judging by the smell."

"And you think your… gloop… can qualify as cake!?" Lacus retorted. "That… monstrosity is a blasphemous affront to all confectionary artisans and chocolatier around the globe!"

"Like you're one to talk." Unyielding, Kira returned the retort. "I think the only way someone will appreciate that dish if they turn it to glue, that way it won't smell so bad!"

Mwu realized a massacre is imminent. "Alright! You chefs! I think it's tasting time-"

"Oh REALLY!?" Lacus's rage overcome all her senses including her hearings, she took a whole spoonful of her curry(?) sauce. "Then why don't you Mr. Spice expert give this a try."

"Yeah! Like you can make me drink th-A-" Kira's comment was cut short as soon as Lacus jammed an acupuncture needle on Kira's neck, forcing him to open his mouth with his tongue stuck out. Lacus shoved the concoction down his gullet and pull the needle out, forcing him to swallow.

Kira tasted the curry(?)…

First he turned blue, then he turned red, then he turned green, then he turned purple, jumping around left and right on his feet, head and arms, before finally unleashing a stream of toxic fireblast that tore out the roof with an ear splitting scream that beats the decibels of the Mandrake. The blast propelled him to the wall where he collapsed on his back: teeth blackened in ink and sooth, smoke puffing out of all the holes on his head, and multi colored bubbles popping out of his foam drooling mouth.

Seeing the reaction, even Lacus felt somewhat taken aback at this unearthly concoction she just made. "I think I've overdone this a bit…"

"Oh no!" Kira rose up, more murderous than ever. "It tasted JUST RIGHT! Here, take your REWARD!" Kira grabbed a handful of his gloop of a cake and throw it at Lacus. It hit her so hard but it harmlessly splashed against Lacus' mask.

But then, the black thing, to Lacus' horror, began to crawl in. Somehow, someway, Kira didn't just bake a cake, he just created a crude bioengineered monster! And it crawled and crawled, seeping through the microscopic seams of her mask. Lacus screeched in horror and panic, and she tried to get rid of the creature, but they just seeps in and finally, forcibly, entered her system.

Lacus had immunity against all forms of poison, but this black monstrosity was a different story entirely. It's practically writhing and burning inside her, burgeoning at her insides, coruscating, overflowing. And then, in one burst, she vomited all the food she had recently eaten in her digestion organs up until that point… everything except, unfortunately, that black monstrous cake. It went through all the way to her stomach and there it stays, wreaking all sorts of culinary nightmare in her gullet, while on the outside, she's swimming in her own vomit inside her suit.

"How do you like that now, huh?" Kira growled.

"How dare you… (KOFF!)" Lacus growled with murder thick in the air as she climbed back up the table. "HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME EAT THAT! (KOFF!)"

"Well, you started it. What is it with this obsession with sweets any-" Before Kira can say anything, a sugar frost cream pie smashed against his face; courtesy of an angry as hell Lacus.

"THAT'S SWEET! (KOFF) Got it!? (KOFF) And your MONSTER cake!? (KOFF) ANYTHING BUT! (KOFF)"

Kira's reply: a ball hit Lacus in the face again, knocking her off her feet to her back. When the ball landed before her face, an explosive tag was plastered on the surface. A strong scent of spice assaulted her senses. "Oh no."

The explosive tag exploded, and Lacus was once again was engulfed in Kira's special spicy cocktail, vaporized form. "AND THAT'S: SPICY! GOT IT!?" Kira roared back.

"Oh, so we're making this a food war now, eh!?" Lacus turned to Ms. Pink. "MS. PINK! FETCH ME OUR STOCK!" Ms. Pink reluctantly unleashed Lacus entire collection of sweets: gum bomb, cream pie of all taste, gobstoppers, crunchy chocolate etc…

Kira reached to the pots containing spices: Bell Pepper, Chili Pepper, anything with high Capsaicin content… particularly the spiciest ones he can get and within moments he handcrafted a series of spice gas grenades. The only thing that can penetrate Lacus' armor.

"DORYAAAAAAAAA!" Kira throw his red chili pepper gas grenade just as Lacus throw a basket ball sized chocolate cupcake. Both projectiles struck home on the target's heads.

And the war begins.

Suddenly, the two opposing Kitchen stations became fortifications which both cooks used to take cover while occasionally throwing their own projectiles at each other, the head being the main target. (SPLATZ) because to hit anywhere else wouldn't make sense in this war of taste buds (SPLORTCH) Pretty soon, the tables were smeared with cream, ketchup blots, chocolate pieces, cloud of pepper… the works. (SPLATZ!) (SPLORCH!) Kira just tossed a green paprika fragmentation grenade when Lacus launched a gobstopper that smashed a part of the table, snapping a part of the desk. (CRACK) (SPLATZ) Kira peeked at the corner of the table only to saw Lacus aiming a hose and fired a stream of high pressure liquid chocolate stream. (SCREEECH!) Kira barely dodged the blast and quickly retaliate by hurling a Tabasco filled balloon over the air and then blow it up, raining a cloud dust of Tabasco radiation over Lacus. (BANG!)

The panel of judges had long since forgotten about the match. This is no longer a cooking match. They're staring at a literal culinary warzone!

The audience found this war seems to be more exciting than the previous version, and now already they start placing bets: "1500 on Kira!" "1000 on Hikari-sensei!" "Same!" "300 on…"

Pretty soon however, both sides ran out of ammo. Ms. Pink stop spitting candies, and coughed pink smoke. "Ms. Pink!? (Koff)"

"Tired! Haro! Tired! Haro! I won't accept this! Haro!"

On Kira's side, he rummaged the spice pots and found it empty.

The two sides looked around searching for viable ammunition, all they found, were the dishes they made: for Kira, his abomination monster cake, and for Lacus, what's left of her Curry(?) sauce. Kira, his head covered in cream, grabbed his cake while Lacus, her suit smoking with spice vapor, quickly scooped what's left of her sauce, both sides charged forward for the final blow.

Mwu had seen enough and rushed forward in-between the charging murderous man and woman. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" He grabbed their shoulders to stop their charge. Unfortunately, their other arms, one carrying the arsenal they're so hell bent to smear on the faces of their opponents, still carry the momentum and both swung in full force roundhouse smack, straight to Mwu's face.

The Monster Cake and the Curry(?) sauce, two deadliest creations in the history of bad culinary, mixed midair, combining, fusing into a monstrosity the likes of which would've been considered a blasphemous abomination to the mortal human realm. And that thing went straight into Mwu's gullet.

I leave it to your imagination on how he reacted. At any rate, after this event Mwu was out for the count for the entire course of the war that would be known as the Prankcraft War.

Now, I wasn't sure as to what the standing score, with so many happening, I've lost track on who's in the lead. But what we do know, for the moment:

Kira: 3

Lacus: 3

And more importantly: the war is ON!

000000000000

The next day, everyone steered clear of Gino due to his smell. The Zoan couldn't blame them. But not even a heaven affronting stench will stop him from doing his job and duty to his empire and brothers. He MUST pass on what he'll found in this gigantic nautical monstrosity to his people, or die trying!

He start drawing again. At the moment, there are soldiers from 3 divisions: the majority of the existing soldiers belonged to the 7th division led by Kage and Canard Pars, the artillery manned by the soldiers of the 12th Division led by Murrue Ramias and Natarle Badgiruel, both supported by the 9th Division led by the famous Mwu la Flagga and his Lieutenant, Kojiro Murdoch. Roughly 2000 all in all…

But a ship of such huge proportion, it was understandably undermanned. With the ship is roughly over a kilometer in length, it sport over 100 cannons on each of its three decks on one side alone. Possessing such large number, it took all the existing number to properly and effectively cover both sides. Not that it matters. A single shot from one Gottfried cannon can cause disastrous damage.

Gino scratched the position of each cannon on the paper. With the location of each cannon port, the knights will have easier time to take it d-

SWOOSH!

"GAH! Not you again!" Gino gasped as he saw Torii, flying in the sky with his blueprint in his claws. "You really are not going to leave me alone are you?"

"Torii."

"Then I'm gonna get you. I feel bad after everything that has been going on, but you really leave me no choice!" Gino readied himself. Even without weapon, he's still a trained warrior. "HERE I COME!" Gino lunged at Torii. With his strength he can easily jumped the distance.

Torii simply dodged… and Gino turned around midair, landed on a pillar and kicked up to the air again, chasing after the bird. "I may not be a real bird nor can I turn into one right now, but I AM an Avian Zoan! I know all about birds!"

Torii was undaunted by the slightest. He dodged and dodged, until finally. "AHA! I got you now!" Gino get into one final lunge, Torii dropped the map as he took off. The map fell to Gino's face, obscuring his view, taking him by surprise. "Gah! What…"

PLOP.

"Huh?" all that Gino see is darkness… then again… there's really not much to see in the bottom of a Gottfried cannon barrel…

Torii landed on the Cannon's fuse, prepared the primer, and pull the trigger.

Boom. Nuff said.

Torii: 3

Gino: 0

000000000000

Lunch

Lacus had just completed an emergency surgery on herself. That thing inside her stomach, not only it cannot be digested, it planned to stay inside her stomach forever, and even her miasma cannot dissolve it. Lacus literally plucked it out of her stomach and put it into amniotic fluid for further studying. "Taste aside, that thing is quite the interesting substance, a fine specimen for experiment." True: anything that can withstand her miasma worth checking… provided it didn't try to kill her inside out.

Kira visited Mwu in the hospital. He's in coma, suffering, from what the doctor implied, to be the worst case of food poisoning they've ever seen, muttering from time to time about his taste buds destroyed and he'll never be able to live and eat as human again. "Will he be okay?" Kira asked Murrue, who's currently looking after him.

"Oh he'll be fine. He's gone through worse." Murrue smiled. But to herself, she nervously whispered. 'I think…'

At any rate, Kira and Lacus' enmity had reached such level, it's no longer about getting square; at the moment their diplomatic stance is as follows: shoot on sight, shoot again, shoot some more, make peace later when everybody's dead.

And the whole of Archangel is their battleground.

Out of the ward, Kira quickly duck into cover, Lacus was just around the block. He already prepared a grenade containing his latest paprika mix. "Nyishsishisi… Take this right on your face and you're gonna see hell… Mwahahahaha…" Kira waited till the last moment, and then he jumped in, grenades ready to smash… "Fllay? What are you doing here?"

"Huh? This is right in front of woman's lavatory. What are YOU doing here?" Fllay returned the retort.

"…" Kira looked around… he could've sworn Lacus was just around the corner… "Nothing. I…" As soon as Kira said that, his stomach growled. But not out of hunger… he need to use the toilet. "I need to go to the toilet."

Fllay narrowed her eyes. "Males are thataway, just around the corner." She jerked her thumb.

"…around the corner…?" 'Wait a minute…'

Kira entered the bathroom with great caution and vigilance, looking at every inch of the room. If Lacus had been here, there must be something she had prepared. But after an hour of looking, he couldn't find anything and his stomach is screaming.

Kira gave up for the moment and decided answering nature's call takes priority. He sat on the toilet in deep thought.

But then…

Guzzle…

"Hm?" All the sudden, something literally pulled him IN! "WHA… ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? OI! OOOOIII!" Kira struggled and yelled helplessly as the privy literally sucked him in until at last he was stuck with most of his rear sank into the disgusting hole.

Somewhere in the plumbing…

Asta is yet another one of Greater Daemon in service of Lacus as her doppelganger, taking form deriving from a green haro. She's draped in clothing made from nature, her Amazonian clothes made and covered in leaves, animal skin clothing, with various leaves also adorning her messy and wild pink hair, and a bull skull adorning her head like a hairpin. Currently, the naturalist Lacus Doppelganger stand ready at a certain pipe she had been tampering under Lacus' order. What happened to Kira was in no small part of her doing. And what she thinks of it was… "Lily's right." She took a deep breath in preparation for the atrocity she's about to commit. "This is way too evil, even for us Greater Daemons."

And in a single unleashed burst, she blew hard into the plumbings, causing all the pipes and tubes to bulge explosively.

Above ground, the toilet seat where Kira was trapped and sunk began to tremble ominously. Unearthly churning sound began to flow out. And now, instead of being sucked in, Kira began to realize something is about to explode out of the privy.

And it smells of… chocolate, caramel… and three days' worth of human excretions from 2000 or so people.

Kira's scream of rage against a certain pink haired Witch was drowned by the loud outburst of a towering gush of brown, light brown, and lumps. The door to the said privy room was smashed open, and a flood of brown overflowed, drowning everything in its bile, its stench drove everyone within 5 mile radius away.

Kira, drenched head to toe in chocolate, caramel, and other questionable material, walked out as a mass of brown gloop, thirsting for revenge.

Kira: 3

Lacus: 4

Tea time

Lacus invited Chiba for a tea and snack time, both for her request to learn more of Japanese culture, and to ask her for modification of her suit. The former, Chiba can easily acquiesce. The latter though, was a bit difficult to fulfill.

"Well, not that I don't want to, but…" Chiba looked at the mouthguard, the one part Lacus wanted her to modify. "Lacus, traditionally, a Samurai's gas mask contained hundreds or so types of antibiotics and antidotes to protect the wearer from various kinds of gaseous poison from the outside. It doesn't mean it'll stop the poison cold, but it'll neutralize or weaken them before entering the wearer's breathing system." Chiba explained. "Your armor, on the other hand, was the exact opposite: with thousands of delicate drugs of your recipe in the filtration system. It was meant to keep things from going OUT, not to stop things from going IN."

"But I'm sick of having Kira's gas grenades seeping through my mask!" Lacus pouted. There're rash and reddened marks on her lips where Kira's spice gas went through. They'll disappear easily with some salve of her making, but healing them time and again grew tiresome.

"If I have to tweak your filtration system, make it more tightly knit than it already is, you won't be able to breathe properly." Chiba returned the mask to Lacus, who quickly put it back on. And now Chiba can take off hers. "Besides… this… battle of taste buds between you and Kira… can't you resolve this in a peaceful conference table?"

"I don't know." Lacus put on her mask. "(KOooooFFFH). (koff) I mean… look at me. (koff) Look at this! (koff) I can barely see chocolate anymore, thanks to him! (koff)" Lacus made her point by pointing at her choice of snacks: White cake. With white vanilla chocolate. And colorful lollipop, and white creamed rollcake… No brown or black of any kind. "Every time I saw chocolate, (koff) I kept remembering the taste of that abominable creature he called fruit cake… (koff)… net result: I can't eat brown chocolate anymore, (Koff) and every time I saw him I just… just don't know what peaceful words I should say. (koff)" It's true! Give her psychopaths, give her lunatic, give her any bloodthirsty murderers out for her blood, and she can still think of some speeches of immense pacifistic nature. But give her that one particular brunette and all the things she can think of are everything that is murderous and evil sort.

Chiba shook her head. What is she going to do with these two? She sighed. "Anyway, here. Senba reminded me to bring these to you." Chiba handed Lacus a single black colored canister and handed one to Lacus. "Remember to replace those antidote canisters regularly. One canister should be able to help you for a month. I suggest you replace that provisional canister now."

"Oh, right." Lacus nodded. The canister contain antidote of Lacus' recipe, which can held her miasma at bay. It's stored in this particular portion of her suit, and it went straight into her respiration system. One can say, it's the most important component of her armor. Due to time constraints, they initially don't have time to create enough antidotes to hold on for long- only a few days. Chiba took her time to fix the issue, creating a more compact and condensed canister, she even asked for Senba's help with it.

Lacus took off the temporary canister, letting out a hissing sound and then put one canister, the one Chiba offered, into the socket. Another hissing sound as the contents of the canister flowed into her breathing mask just as Lacus took a deep… deep breath of the antidote… before Lacus start clawing her suit by the throat, screaming hysterically for help with her throat being choked and burned by a dose of concentrated black pepper that was spiked into the canister. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH! TAKE IT OFF ME! TAKE IT OFF ME!" Lacus screamed and shouted before finally she managed to take off the mask. Lacus panted up and down, she nearly choked to death. Lacus quickly took the canister off and checked it. She was right, it reeks of black pepper.

"Lacus? What on earth is the matter?"

"HE SPIKED IT!" Lacus roared angrily. "HE LACED the antidote with Black Pepper Spice!"

"He? Senba? No way! Why would he do that?"

"No, not Senba-san… KIRA!" Lacus growled in damning accusation.

Chiba gaped. "But then how did he… oh…" Right. The message from Senba must've a reminder that came from Kira. Kira and Senba ARE friends. And Kira was there when Chiba crafted the suit, he would understand the workings of Lacus suit more than anyone. "But that's way too much! I know he's a sadist, but that's going too far!"

"Maybe. Haro. But Lacus DID sabotage the lavatory and bathe him in chocolate and shit in the privy. Haro." Lily grabbed the discarded mask and checked it.

"Chocolate… and shit?" Chiba jaw dropped.

"Besides, Haro, Black Pepper really didn't do anything to the antidote, seeing you made them from all natural ingredients, haro." Lily sniffed. "Though yes, it does make the antidote taste like pure black pepper. Haro."

But Lacus was too mad to care. Nobody. NOBODY mess with her suit! "I don't care. This. Means. WAR!"

Kira: 4

Lacus: 4

Dinner

Senba gave the unspiked antidote canister to Chiba immediately. Luckily, Senba got off with just a light warning from Chiba, seeing he's an unknowing and unwilling accessory to Kira's crime.

Meanwhile, tonight was a special occasion. The Angel's Bath is officially partially opened for public.

By partially it means the soldiers can come in and take a bath there. They have no other choice, the recently rebuilt lavatory was out of order due to the horrendous smell of chocolate and crap. Thusly, they had to take a dip in the angel's bath. No choice? Hell no. They LOVE it!

It's a mixed bath! Men and woman can join together, butt fresh naked and-

"NOW JUST WAIT A MINUTE!" Natarle CLEARLY had something to say about that.

And so, a wall of wood stood erect, coating a series of 13 inch military grade steel plates, parting the Angel's bath to two sections. Men and Women.

So to the understanding of everyone, when they took a dip, all male pressed their ears desperately against the wall, trying to catch the faintest voice of the fairies on the other side…

Kira and the male Shadowguards stay dipped a healthy distance away.

On the other side…

The girls can more than hear the sound of lusting males from the other side. "Men are all pervert you know that?"

Milly sighed at the verdict and merely enjoyed her dip in the hot water in silence. She turned and saw Hikari. "Ne, Hikari-sensei."

"Milly-chan." Hikari smiled. "The water's good?"

"I'm in heaven…" The Archer girl purred. All her fatigue seeps away with the hot water. But then she looked at Lacus' armored form. "…I'm sorry." Pity Lacus couldn't join the fun, seeing she's the one who came up with this idea in the first place.

Lacus chuckled. "Don't worry (koff). I've had my share earlier (koff). By the way… (koff) Would you like to try something (koff)?"

"Try something?"

Hikari began swaying her fingers, drawings symbols and rune circles in the air. "Haroha, haroha, roharo…" Lacus batted her hand into the water, and the moment her armored finger touched the hot water, the water turned… white. The female soldiers were at first unnerved at the sight of water turning white. But those who were already dipped can only watch as the water turned white… and creamy?

A girl cupped her hands and brought the white liquid before her, taking a sniff. "…milk?"

"Milk? Hikari-sensei… you turned the water… into milk?" Milly looked at Lacus, smiling brightly behind her mask.

"Did you know? (Koff) Milk bath can make your skin smooth and white. (koff)"

Milk bath: the stuff of dreams for every girl. Even those who had thought of just be done with today's bath scurry returned to hurl themselves back in to enjoy the luxury.

Milly took a handful of that milk and took a sip. It's sweet. Overwhelmingly so. "Hikari-chan… this milk is sweet."

"Yes. (koff) I know. (koff)"

"Kira ain't gonna like this."

"That's (koff) the whole (koff) idea. (koff)"

Milly gaped.

On the male side, the men initially panicked when the water turned white and thick all the sudden. But when they heard what it was from the girl's side, they stayed anyhow, though less enthusiastic about it, unlike the girls. But Kira… he looked like he just entered a pool of bone melting lava. The sugary smell of the milk assaulted his nose and thus his tongue. "I'm outta here." Kira frantically tried to walk out of the pool. But then, as he move closer to the edge of the pool, he found that he couldn't leave the pool even if his life depends on it. He's practically glued on the water. Funny thing is, other soldiers can leave the pool easily. Only he can't seem to leave. This happens before…

Belphy flicked the full stop on her new law that decreed that Kira must remain locked in that milk bath…

…until he drank every last drop of that Olympic pool sized bath water.

Kira: 4

Lacus: 5

But Kira has one last laugh:

"I figured something like this might happen."

About the wall that separate the two portions of the bath…

Kira was the one who installed it.

And he took charge… in its unique defense mechanisms.

The wooden covering of the iron walls suddenly sprang out on the female side, and launched dozens of spring loaded grenades that sprayed the bathhouse on the other side. Half a dozen of them landed and embedded itself extremely close around Lacus.

"What kind of chuckwagon-"

The explosive tags on that jalapeno paprika mix bomb filled grenades set off.

Kira: 5

Lacus: 5

And a LOAD of collateral damage.

000000000000000

It's official: that bird is truly his worst enemy. Forget about reporting anything, he must first defeat this green feathered monstrosity. Whatever method Kage used to train him, he's done an insanely good job at it…

Gino then make ready. The simplest is putting a bird trap. Yep. That would be enough if they're dealing with a normal bird… but he must assume this is a bird of, as unbelievable as it may sound, a genius level intellect.

"Humph. Right. Let me show you why human will always triumph over beasts!"

And a bird trap was set.

And Gino went into hiding.

Torii, who watched the whole thing from above from the very beginning of that declaration, can only react in one way.

A sweat drop, denoting: is this guy for real?

Torii shook his head. Well, he could just leave him be, and probably soldiers who saw him like that will voice his personal opinion on how idiotic he looked, acting like that. Like anybody would be stupid enough to fall for that… but still…

Torii can hear scratching. He's at it again…

"Right. Now, while waiting I think I'll just add that the alleyways were designed in such a way, that in time of battle large groups of people can move quickly in between rooms to enter combat station without bumping. The main roads have enough space for a mounted cavalry to walk in. Now the critical location is…?" 'What is this thing rustling on my leg?'

Gino looked around and saw Torii doing something on his leg.

"Oi… what-"

"Torii."

He flew off, and as soon as Gino got up to catch the bird, the trap was spring. When he got up, something tightened on one of his legs and dragged him back. "GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" God knows how and what, Torii had set it up in some way, Gino was literally dragged across the deck, ass down. When Gino regained his bearing to see what the heck, he noticed that Torii has tied one of his legs to a rope, and that rope was tied to the tails of a pair of stampeding horses. And no one can do anything about it. "Stop! Stop! I SAID STOP!"

Alas, the horse was too crazed to do anything but running. Gino gritted in anger. There's only one thing to do. What is a power of a pair of horses compared to a zoan of HIS caliber? "I said… STOP!" Forcing himself, Gino turned one of his hands into an eagle claw and sank it to the ground. The brute force of his Zoan was more than enough and the Horses were yanked back. The sudden stop was such, it hurled the two horses to the sky. Alas, they were thrown back, and they fell towards Gino.

The last thing Gino see was the sight of one of the horse's excretion hole.

Torii who saw this, clapped his feathers together, apologizing to the horse, hoping, for the horse's sake there is a vet on board.

Torii: 4

Gino: 0

000000000000000

Prankcraft II: Tides of Bitterness

Breakfast

At this point, all collateral victims of this vendetta between Kira and Lacus wholeheartedly agreed: either they must find these warring couple, no, these two Arch enemies a new method to propagate their enmity to each other, or they need to find a new ship.

Sai stand ready in front of Kira just as he's about to walk out of his brig. The punishment he gratefully endured after that terroristic bombing of the Angel's bath for the sake of getting back on a certain pink haired witch. The fact that he also had to drank every last drop of that sweetened and spicy milk water to get out all over the night was considered a proper punishment and so they didn't chase him back for the rash they suffered. "Kira, stop!"

"What?"

"Lacus is right now inside a room right across this one." Hearing that, an enraged Kira made ready her arsenal he prepared in seret, but Sai put a stop to it. "Oh no, you don't. You're not going to see her."

"Why NOT!?"

"Because you'll try to kill her first chance you get, and vice versa. You best stop, while this ship is still intact. Here. Use this, instead." A can, connected to a wire. A can phone.

On the other side, Tolle gave the same thing to Lacus.

"So… I speak through this (koff), and he can hear me on the other end? (koff)" Lacus looked at the can.

"Yes." Tolle nodded. "So please. Enough with the physical war, make it verbal battle. It's cheaper that way."

"Verbal battle. (koff) Okay. (koff)" Lacus smiled mischievously as she held on to the can. "Moshi, moshi. (koff) Are you there, inhabitant from a zoological waste center? (koff)"

Tolle gulped. Nice start.

"Yes, you cheap ass whore bitch from a pig sty bordello." Come Kira's not so courteous reply.

"Good." Lacus grinned evilly as she called one of her Shikigami in a whisper. "Adra, come out."

Adra, as usual, a Lacus doppelganger. But if Asta is a naturalist, Adra looked like a steampunk engineer, with various parts of her clothes made of bolted copper and piping steam from the seams, gauges and wheels, with electrode coils poking out from various parts of her clothes, and electricity jumping out of them. "Yes, Lacus?"

"Defibrillator, maximum voltage." Lacus chuckled like mad. Asta charged her gauntlets with electricity to the max, as ordered.

"Oi! You still there you cotton candy brain?" Kira barked from the other side.

"Still here, chili head. I'm connecting you with a friend of mine." And Lacus shoved the can to Asta, and the electrical shikigami grabbed it, electrocuting it.

Kira's bones became see-through when the voltage coursed through him. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH!" Luckily, moments later, the electricity was cut off. Kira, a few shades darker than before and as angry as hell, took the precaution and quickly wore a glove. "Sai, you said, Lacus is RIGHT in front of me?"

"Quite a distance… but yeah…" Sai shuddered at what Kira will come up next.

"Okay." Kira made ready for a payback. "You won't get me like that again, witch!"

"Quite a tingling, ain't it!?"

"Don't worry." Kira made the final preparation. "I got a tingle of my own." The tingle in question… is his most potent weapon: the FOASB (Father of All Spicy Bomb). Kira used the string of the phone line as a bowstring and aimed it right at Lacus.

"Wait, Kira, you-!"

Too late, Kira let loose the projectile and the bomb was launched all the way to Lacus' stronghold, and it smashed through the door, and engulfed everyone inside in a choking finely powdered and lethal blend of paprika mix dust cloud.

"AA-CHOOO! AACHOOO!" Lacus sneezes can be heard from over the wirephone.

"You're tingling yet!? MWUAHAHAHA!" Kira gloated from the phone before laughing, also on the phone so that his gloating laughter can be heard from it.

"AAACHOO! AAACHOO! AAA… AAA… AAACHOOOO!" "MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA" Lacus fought against her sneezing and grabbed the wirephone. She can still hear the sound of Kira's annoying laughter. He must be still holding on to the can, laughing with his mouth pointing at the can. "AAA-CHOOO! Haroha… AACHOO… Haroha… ACHOOO! Roharo…" "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Lacus began muttering a chant, preparing to unleash a doozy of spells. "Haro-haro Connect!" "AhA! AHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" First, she made the strings tougher and did something with the cans. She can still hear laughter from the other side of the can. Kira's mouth is still out in the open. "Okay." "WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She grabbed Ms. Pink amidst the sneezes and jammed her into the can. "Ms. Pink… "WAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" JAWBREAKER!"

Meanwhile, Kira is still busy laughing evilly from the other side of the can. And… "WAHAHAHAH-HOARGH!" a jawbreaker the size of a baseball shot out from the can and smacked dab on Kira's mouth. Kira choked several times before he spit the gobstopper out. "What the… Sai, what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything! How did that came out of the can?"

"Wait…" Kira looked at the gobstopper, then to the can. "Right, I forgot. She's not just any candy lover, she's a candy loving WITCH! Of course she'll have an odd spell or two…" Kira grabbed the can, observing at the bottom. And then just like that, he shoved his hand through it.

Lacus backed away immediately just as Kira's hand popped out of the can, wriggling, trying to reach something… before it slink back in.

Kira looked at his hand, and he immediately understood. "Right. I get it now. This can is now a gateway. Anything that went from one end will appear on the other end. Interesting."

"Wha… she can do that?" Sai gasped.

"This is barely nothing to what she can really do when she put her mind into it. Right." But this is perfect. 'For revenge… mwuahahahahaha!' Kira grabbed a crate he had been prepping for hours yesterday night. He put the can on the ground and then poured the contents into it: a week's worth of spice bombs.

On the other side…

The tin can spit out a whole onslaught of bombs. Lacus' room was bombarded with pepper clouds and chili splashes, causing massive destruction, figuratively speaking. Lacus screamed and fought her way to the spice bomb spitting can of death, choking at the radiation caused by it. "Lily! (Koff) Open the vault to the whipped cream section! (koff)"

Ms. Pink opened her mouth, revealing a white creamy pool. Lacus quickly shoved the can into the pool, and the pool began to drain in, as if it was being sucked into a hole. The hole being the magically transformed Can.

And it came out on Kira's side as a flooding white tide. Kira's side was completely flooded with a giant tidal wave of cream that overflowed to every direction. Kira was helplessly swept away by the overwhelming ripples of white cream maelstrom that burst through every opening on his room, until at last…

SNAP!

The can phone line was cut off by a sword slash from Tolle. "Dead end! Dead end! I just cut off the phone line."

"It's the deadliest weapon they've ever had at their disposal!" Sai swallowed a gulp.

Kira: 5

Lacus: 6

Luncheon

At this point, Kira and Lacus war had reached an all time high level of intensity to the point it's no longer stoppable by anything short of a complete and utter obliteration of one side. Terrorism ran rampart without honor or humanity…

In woman's newly rebuilt lavatory…

Chiba, wearing her samurai armor, looked around to see if there's anybody around. No one. "Okay. The coast is clear."

Lacus, clad only in her towel, tiptoed into the lavatory. "I'm truly sorry to trouble you like this, Chiba-san…"

"It can't be helped. With the Angel's bath still destroyed, you had to take bath here."

"I'll be quick." Lacus disappeared into the room, and soon, Chiba can hear splashes of water as she kept watch for any peepers. However, just a moment, she saw a silhouette of a person's shadow. A man no less. "One more step buster; and this will run through your groin before that door opened." Chiba barked loud enough as she menacingly slinked her katana out slightly.

The man's shadow paused for a moment upon hearing the death threat, and not a moment too soon, he left.

"Chiba-san? Who's that?"Howled Lacus from the bathroom.

"A pervert who's smart enough not to go any further. Nothing to worry about."

Not long after, Lacus walked out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel. "Right. Let me put on my suit, and you can take that armor off."

The suit in question was just outside the door… but when Lacus get there, all she found… was the helmet. And a letter: Remember Hansel and Gretel. Remember the Bread Crumb. Lacus took the helmet with twitching eyes. She looked left and right and saw a piece of the armor on a corridor. Lacus quickly rushed to the corridor and grabbed the piece. And then there's another small letter. Tick tock. Remember the Bread Crumb. Lacus couldn't figure out the meaning of these messages, but there's little wonder on who's the culprit.

"What kind of prank is this? If this is someone's idea of a joke…" Chiba growled.

"No… this is not a joke." Lacus put on the helmet. "This is a war!" She looked left and right and saw another piece. Kira had stolen her suit and tear it off piece by piece, leaving a trail of bread crumbs. "And when I find him…" Lacus hissed with murder thickly laced. Lacus quickly rushed towards it, wearing nothing but a helmet and her towel as she grabbed the next piece. Just as she turned around and saw another piece, a soldier was curiously examined it in front of his friends. "PUT THAT DOWN!" Lacus roared and the soldiers gasped.

Lacus flickered and grabbed the piece in a blink of an eye. "Tell your friends, if they find anything like this, DON'T touch it!" So Hikari warned the bewildered soldier before she vanished, finding and grabbing the next piece. Lacus raced throughout the ship, initially clad in only her helmet and a towel, slowly, piece by piece, recollected her armor, covering her modesty bit by bit. But before she recovered enough pieces, almost the whole crew got a brief flash of her exquisite towel clad body. Not her face, and Lacus also avoid contact, not spreading her miasma by staying too long in place… but still…

The cat and mouse breadcrumb chase finally ended in the still irradiated bridge tower, and lacus had already gotten most of the armor back, and by now it has become partially functional. There's just one last piece… the one covering her behind. Lacus use the towel as a rear loincloth for a while. But she needed that piece back. When she kicked the door to the bridge tower room open, she saw a smirking Kira sitting calmly on an armchair, tossing her last armor piece up and down.

"GIVE IT BACK! (KOFF)!"

Order heard and obeyed. Kira tossed the last piece and the vengeful Lacus took it before placing it back to where it belongs. When that's done with, she glared murderously at Kira. "Any last request?"

"Well, not really. Just for you to calm down and relax-"

"Oh I will relax. (Koff)" Lacus grinned maniacally behind her mask. "I will relax while I hang you upside down naked for everyone to see. (koff)"

"Just let me finish." Kira raised his hands. "It should be any minute now. You were panicked a while ago… but now that you're all calm and cool… feel the heat of a gallon's worth of extra spicy Tabasco I've laced on the insides of your armor."

Lacus maniacal smile turned into a horrid gasp. Because of her initial panic of wanting to recover her armor as soon as possible, her heart beats a mile a minute, pumping enough adrenaline to ignore everything else, including her senses. But halfway through the trip, when she had recovered enough of her armor to decently cover her being, she did calm down somewhat and her heartbeat began to slow down. And now, at the end of the chase, the adrenaline pumped to her senses had all but receded… and all her pain sensors returned... lighting up like Christmas tree due to capsaicin (AN: it's the thing that make spices spicy) overload on her entire being.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHH!"

Kira: 6

Lacus: 6

Lunch

Kira had finished taking a bath in Mwu's room, vacated due to the original owner is in coma. Walking past the ammunitions he stored up for future combat, Kira looked around Mwu's room. If it weren't for him, this place would've been a mess. But not all is a complete mess as he walked past a spot he hadn't touched. It looked like a small cupboard at the corner of the room. It was all locked up with padlocks, chains, even talisman. It was easily opened though. Most of them are just for show. Then again, Kira wouldn't want to. Why, because, that spot was filled with Mwu's most explosive collection of adult only porn novel books and calligraphy. Some of them are even being framed with an epithet: limited edition. Mwu had warned him. WARNED him with bloodshot eyes and foaming mouth: do. Not. Damage. Stain. Rip. Touch. Or do any sort of harmful activity on them in anyway.

"Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna even touch it…" Kira snickered. Prayer did once told him that Mwu had a whole shrine of porn books in his office. Seeing that he will be using this room for a while, he best made sure that when the rightful owner returned, everything is in its proper place. For that purpose, Kira placed a special talisman to seal off the said enshrined desk, so that no one can open it. Problem is… the seal, much to Kira's suspicion, was torn off. Kira calmly opened the cupboard to see if anything had gone missing. But when Kira opened it, he saw a large vanilla white birthday cake, strapped to Mwu's entire collection of his oh-so-precious porn, with candle made of sticks of dynamites, all lit, and a big chocolate writing of: PERVERT!

The sugar frost cake exploded full force, blowing Kira away and destroyed everything else, covering everything in cream. A particularly huge and extremely sharp sugar frosting somehow pierced through the door, missing Kira's head by the millimeters. Worse yet, the cream froze and locked him in place.

In the infirmary…

Murrue and a visiting Natarle was hugging each other, backing away into the corner, scared shitless seeing 10 medics struggling to restrain the still comatose Mwu as he start moaning, no, screaming hysterically in his sleep, clawing painfully at his chest as if a big chunk of his heart had just been blown to shreds.

Kira: 6 – and a very high porn book bill (3 years worth of a Captain's salary)

Lacus: 7

Mwu: a part of him just died.

Tea Time

When terrorism and counter terrorism had run its course, there's nothing left but open all out war.

With the ship having two hulls, Kira and Lacus each took one side of the ship. Blood runs on the every inch of the road on every corridor…

Kira swerved left and right, dodging a hail of shuriken made out of chocolate and peanut brittle.

Lacus jumped up and down, avoiding splashes of Tabasco sauce grenade shower.

Explosions everywhere, destruction at unprecedented level…

The walls were full of holes as Kira use his fingers to flip and snap beads of black pepper peas at high velocity and strength, it punctured walls with the force of armor piercing bullets.

Lacus returned fire with a rain of gobstoppers, smashing and crushing everything in the way. The two bullet rainstorm collided midair, creating massive destruction.

The stray shots as well as the ricocheting colliding bullets destroyed everything else.

Traps and mines everywhere…

As Kira ran through the corridor avoiding a rain of cream pies thrown from the other side, the floor gave way and dozens of spring loaded cup cake were hurled to him. Kira dodged them all by a hairline, but then from the ceiling opened up and a rain ice cream balls poured down upon him, with a hail of chocolate chip as support fire.

Lacus laughed as she ran on the opposite corridor realizing her trap set off. But then, her leg broke a string "Ara?" Lacus' skill as a shinobi was all that saved her from the incoming hail of pepper grenade, as well as a shower spring launched explosive chili bomb laden bamboo spear which exploded the second it landed. Lacus acrobatically dodged them all. Seeing the carnage behind her, Lacus thought that's the best Kira can do. She walked calmly, and her leg stomped on a pressure plate, and the pepper spray mine exploded.

And the damage merely increases when they get up close and personal…

Kira and Lacus continued to trade fire with each other, with Kira throwing armor piercing red chili pepper trying to make a beehive out of her while Lacus throw a barrage of white roll cakes the size of anvils in order to pulverize the opposition to a creamy pulp. The fortification between the two gave in and upon seeing the sight of each other, they charge in for a melee combat.

Kira had draped both of his arms and legs with belts of sharp smelling green chili pepper whereas Lacus coated her gauntlets and greaves with caramel, sprinkled with M&M. "DORYAAAAAAA!" Kira kicked and Lacus punched, they missed each other's head by a paper thin margin, but the shockwave rattled the sky!

Because when they do get close and personal, there's no safe haven anywhere…

The soldiers gazed in horror as the walls around them were cleaved to pieces by a pair of extremely sharp axe the shape of a lollipop… correction, they are lollipop, wielded by Lacus, who just used them to slice open the wall that almost crushed her when Kira, using his impromptu blend of habanero pepper backfire, propelled his explosive chili belt punch through the walls, sending their blazing, and chili irradiated fragments to Lacus.

And just when everyone thinks of how things couldn't be worse…

"Haroha, haroha, Roharo…" Lacus began chanting as her Haros began to gather around her. "Haro-haro Roller!" The yellow Haro enlarged and the other 6 colored haro latched themselves to the yellow haro underside, forming tank threads made of Haro balls. Lacus mounted her magical spiritual vehicle and suddenly charged forward through the incoming fragments, grounding them all to dust upon impact.

Kira gasped at this unexpected counter attack, and quickly shunshin to safety, but Lacus chased after him. Kira quickly realized he's being outrunned. But since Lacus had brought the heavy support into play, two can play the game. Kira whistled, and within the indoor stables of Archangel, Aile heard her master's call. Stomping her way through the corridors and alleyways, the Mare somehow managed to quickly pinpoint her master's location in record time and with a glance at the sight of Kira being chased by a giant bulby tank with a murderous witch girl at the helm, she understood the situation completely and what she needs to do.

Aile quickly made her entry by charging hoof first to the bulbous tank and knocked it off course. Kira quickly mounted his loyal mare and they rode off.

And they use everything to do their battle.

Kira dashed across the gunports atop Aile as he light the fuses of one Gottfried cannon after another, firing a barrage of paprika cannonball in rapid succession, peppering the opposition behind him.

Lacus' Tank sucked all the powdered paprika shell, leaving a series of radiation cloud that still choke her rider. But Lacus retaliate by launching a series caramel pudding via a built in hull mounted, triple linked catapult, splattering the wall full of caramel splats.

And when the big guns starts roaring, WMDs followed closely behind it…

Lacus roared and grabbed Ms. Pink and pointed it upward. Ms. Pink opened her mouth and launched a SCUD (Soft Cream Unfiltered Demolition) missile storm composed of several dozen giant sized sundae ice cream. Hundreds of countless innocents were caught in a wave of cream and cone shards from each missile strike that missed Kira.

Kira retaliated with an ICBM spear with a Tactical Paprika Thermo Nuclear warhead. The giant missile rocketed through the corridor, heading straight at Lacus. Lacus skewed her tank to the left, missing the missile by a hairbreadth. But the stray missile still exploded anyway in a gigantic red mushroom cloud. Casualty in the thousands… hundreds had their taste-bud devastated due to spicy radiation…

the collateral casualty skyrocketed like nothing else.

Kira burst through the upper decks atop Aile, just as Lacus suddenly appeared right in front of them, carrying a giant hose. Without another word, she fired a stream of high pressure cream laser beam that swept across the entire breadth of the upper deck, sweeping away every unwary soldier in the surface. Aile managed to jump away in time, but one of her hind legs was shot. Lacus crash landed in front the downed duo and rush forward, pushing a waffle plate studded with pointy sundaes topped with chocolate and strawberry sauce that looked like it was dripping with blood, reinforced with razor sharp peanut brittle.

Aile realized with one of her leg shot, she won't be able to dodge this one. With a final act of sacrifice, Aile violently jerked her rear parts at the last moments and catapulted Kira to the sky. "AILE!" Kira can only watch in horror as his loyal steed was mowed down. Kira had no choice but to use his final trump card.

It was this little thing called good old Aerial superiority.

Lacus rolled over the creamy remains of Aile (AN: no animal are killed in this chapter) and looked around, searching for Kira. But he was nowhere to be found. Lacus wondered and she looked up… only to see Kira is diving down from the sky, wearing menacingly familiar red clothing.

Unconfiscating his other partner from Mwu's very own comatose hand, Kira donned the Kurenai Shiki. Lacus gazed in horror as Kira began swerve down at break neck speed. It doesn't take a genius to figure out an incoming: "AIRSTRIKE!" And Kira in Kurenai Shiki dropped a carpet bomb filled with finely powdered jalapeno chilies squarely to her base. The entire upper deck was completely covered in jalapeno hot radiation.

Kira float around the radiation cloud, trying to see what becomes of his nemesis. But then, as the radiation cloud died down, and he saw to his horror, Lacus, sitting atop a pink haro ball, floating in the air and charged straight at him. Kira roared back and his kurenai shiki gleamed and Kira also closed the distance between them.

Lacus let loose her most powerful weapon available: a giant fist shaped chocolate coated popsicle ice cream, thrown at break neck speed. The fist smashed through Kira's body, its chocolate coating break apart, engulfing Kira in the vanilla soft ice cream inside. Lacus smirked thinking she won, but then, Kira's cream covered arm burst out of the chocolate casing from the other end of the Popsicle and grabbed Lacus' face. The said arm was bandaged in belts of habanero peppers, jalapeno chili, and some white Peruvian Habanero strapped with an explosive tag. The explosive tags exploded, engulfing Lacus' head and soon their entire being was covered in a cloud of thick hot paprika radiation.

The two went down in a ball of fire and landed on the central superstructure of the Archangel.

Upon crash landing, Kira rolled away with his body coated in cream and Lacus choked and wheezed the gas out of her system. The two fighters quickly get back up and Kira readied his Tabasco thrower and Shiki while Lacus readied a cream pie grenade and her lollipop axe. But before the two can duke it out again…

"Kira-nii? Hikari-Onee-chan?"

Kira and Hikari stopped on track when they turned around and saw Elle and her mother looking at them. Now that they noticed it, their fight had reached the civilian complex.

"Umm… What on earth are you two doing?" Anna saw how the two fought each other like rabid cats and dogs. She just couldn't figure out for the life of her of what's going on between the two that it would warrant such a wanton brutality.

Kira and Hikari looked at each other, and then, it was as if the haze of hate was lifted and with it came blessed rationality. They quickly hid their weapons. At the very least, they ain't gonna do this in front of the civilians after all those high handed words they said few days back.

"umm…" Kira nervously looked at Lacus.

"umm…" Lacus nervously looked at Kira.

"We're…" The two echoed. How were they supposed to say this in a way that is acceptable to Elle's innocent ears? Their mind all mixed up, and spontaneously, by providence or coincidence, the two come up with the same answer:

"We're on a date."

Everyone jaw dropped.

Kira: 65

Victims: 1,940 due to paprika nuclear radiation blast

Lacus: 70

Victims: 1,345 due to cream laser blast and Softcone warhead Scud Storm.

Either they get paprika nuclear radiated, infected in a gloop of ice cream, or mostly, they get them both.

Basically it means every soldiers, bar civilian, aboard the ship got pwned.

How the hell did this happen? Why did the score swelled up like this? Because I'm CRAAA-AAAAZY!

00000000000000

Gino, already stressed out and partially dead after that horror, looked around with bloodshot eyes, looking for a certain green feathered avian little monster. "Easy… easy… I'm a pro… just remember the time I spent when I hunt as a fangrider… follow your senses…" Blueprint be damned. This personal war with that green bird is now official!

Torii!

"Found you!" Gino growled and chased after the sound.

Torii! Torii!

'He's being awfully noisy…' This is a direct contrast with that silent approach. No matter. All the better for him.

Torii! Torii! Torii!"

"I got you now you lit'l… huh?"

Torii! Hey dork! Hey dork!

Somehow, Torii had managed to bring in a PARROT that can copy his unique chirp.

Hey dork! Hey dork! The parrot repeated.

"How did he manage to train a parrot to say that?" Gino blinked in complete confusion. "Wait the sec… how did a PARROT managed to get here in the first place?"

X marks the spot! X marks the spot! The parrot cawed again and again.

"X?" Gino blinked then he looked down and saw an X mark… made of bird crap.

And then Gino blinked in realization and look up. Lo and behold, Torii dive bombed towards him…

…leading a fleet of seagulls that had been trained to carpet bomb anything that step on the X mark…

Gino realized he can't dodge a rain of poo from at least 200 birds.

Torii: 5

Gino: 0

Unlike the other two, this fight is kinda one sided ain't it?

00000000000000

Prankcraft II: Beyond the Candlelight Dinner

Dinner

Kira and Lacus couldn't believe their predicament. One innocent comment and now they're stuck… like this:

Sitting face to face, separated by only a dinner table between them, illuminated by glimmering candle light, with the full moon as their background in a starry night and the sound of ocean wave crashing against some tens thousands of tons of implacable steel battleship hulls, floating in the middle of nowhere. The latter parts aside, it is the traditional setting for a romantic candlelight dinner.

Except the fact that the couple were chained to their seats.

After that whole fiasco in front Elle and her mother, Kira and Hikari finally stopped fighting for one full minute. It was enough time for the entire brunt of the collateral victims of their war to charge in en-masse in a massed pile drop and pin the two warring states to the ground, performing their armed intervention to end the armed conflict.

The two were swiftly brought before the supreme tribunal for crimes against humanity: some few hundred counts of genocidal use of WMDs that had consumed countless innocents in their war.

After an arduous, long deliberation and no small amount of brainstorming…

…which lasted for a good, long, 3 seconds…

The Chief Judge Kage (Sai) immediately decided a sentence:

"The two of you must now have a dinner."

"Huh?" The verdict naturally left the two convicted jaw dropping in complete confusion. "What do you mean by that?" They echoed.

"This court hereby orders you two to sign a peace treaty over a dinner." Sai added in all the seriousness he can muster. "A candlelight dinner."

The two looked at each other. Judging by the way they reacted, they felt like they'd rather eat poison than do as suggested. "And what if we say no?"

"6 Gottfried Cannons loaded with Salt Rock say you will."

Kira and Lacus jerked when they saw no less than 6 cannons, loaded to the brim with salt rock, were aimed at their behind. The crews of Archangel figured that, any less than this, and it won't be enough to stop these two forces of nature from clashing.

However, Lacus, and especially Kira, is not the type that will bow down before superior force. Their hatred to each other was too strong that, even as the verdict being passed, the two lay a glance at each other, consumed by fury and hatred, they lunged at one another, and in reflex, each 3 out of six cannons unloaded their payload on one.

That calmed them down somewhat.

Hors d'Oeuvre: 6 Cannon load of salt rock.

Stress Level: Defcon 5

And so, the two brutally bruised and bandaged War Criminals were chained to the chair, facing each other over the candle lit dinner table. They were put under watch, under the threat of a dozen saltrock loaded Gottfried cannons from 30 feet away. They're not allowed to leave the table before peace treaty is signed in blood. The chains' length prevented the two from getting up or reaching one another, but enough to allow their hands to move around the table easily.

"…" The two looked at the dinner at the table. It was made by Senba. To prevent further bloodshed, the two are also not allowed to cook at all.

For just the night, Senba, wearing a full armor, cook and served a Chinese full course food dinner. Starting with the appetizer, what he called the Jumping Turtle Melon soup. Upon serving, Kira and Lacus blinked. They were being served an entire melon for each of them.

The upper part of the melon was opened, revealing that the melon has been scooped out and used a bowl. Inside there's only a plain but clear brown soup. The two tilted their head but when their spoon entered melon bowl to scoop up the soup, the soup is solid. "This is…" Lacus blinked. "Ara… is this not… jelly?" A surprised Lacus had removed the mouthguard so as to allow her to eat calmly without removing her disguise.

"Jelly?" Kira found the food unfamiliar.

"You make a soup, and then freeze them to a certain temperature, turning it into jelly." Lacus chortled. "It's pretty popular in Europe."

"We don't have things like this in my village…" Kira lightly tapped his poon into the 'soup' but then the soup bounced, and perhaps because Kira was holding the spoon too lightly, the spoon snapped from his fingers, flew across the table, and hit Lacus by the mouth.

"Ow! Hey!"

"Oops." Kira lightly replied. The enmity still remained after all…

At first, it felt weird: the soup is bitten, not drank. It's cold, not hot. The taste is also a little unclear. Compelled to eat some more, Kira scooped more of the jelly. One mouthful after another, the taste gets clearer and clearer as the jelly melt in his throat, and yet still something was missing. Before long, the melon was empty and clean. Yet because of the light taste, it simply enticed their appetites further.

Soup: Jumping Turtle Melon Soup

Stress Level: Defcon 4

"Next dish: Xiao Lung pao."

Tiny bite sized white meatbuns placed inside bamboo steamers.

"Xiao Lung Pao?" And now, it's Lacus turn to be confused.

"It's like meat bun." And Kira took the turn to explaining as he placed the tidbit sized meatbun in a spoon. "But you breach it just a bit…" Kira pricked the bun, and hot steaming soup poured out of the torn skin.

"Uwaan…" Lacus looked pretty excited upon seeing such a unique dish. She poked her xiao lung pao, but the boiling hot soup squirted out of the breach and hit Kira by the face. "YEAOUCH!"

She giddily drank the hot soup before she devoured the soggy wet bread, ignoring Kira's deathglare.

Dim Sum: Xiao Lung Pao

Stress Level: Defcon 3

Naturally, the soldiers stationed to watch over them can't help to feel a bit confused at the whole situation, in addition to being really tense.

"Oi… what do you think is happening between those two?" One soldier asked.

"Well Hikari-sensei is Taichou's girlfriend… and Kira is Taichou's brother…" Another wondered. "Yet the two hated one another like that… could it be… 'that'?"

"That?"

"You know? I mean… Kage and Hikari are couple. Ergo, one day, the two will probably tie the knot. And then there's Kira the brother in between the two… maybe it's that you know! 'That!'"

"That? Oh… That!"

"That's right!" The soldier (falsely) concluded. "That's why the two just can't get along!"

"Just a rather violent case of brotherly complex eh…?"

"But we're the victims here…"

Back to the dinner table…

Fish Dish: Steamed river fish.

Now this, Senba took the extra care, cutting the fish to size to be served individually to the diners. This time, it earned the happy approving smile from the eater. "This fish has been well seasoned with shoyu and salt." Kira slowly and gently chewed the fish, savoring the meal in his tongue.

"It's all light and all fluffy, fluffy!" Lacus also happily enjoying the fish. Her cheek swollen and flushing. "But… I think it taste a bit… strong? The saltiness and…"

"Well… that's characteristics of Chinese cooking." Kira commented. "Many of Chinese dishes use a lot of flavoring and spices. They are characterized with strong flavoring."

"No kidding." Lacus chortled. "Mapo Tofu, Peking Duck, All forms of Dim Sum… They taste good… but the oil…"

"I know." Kira nodded. "The dreaded Chinese restaurant syndrome. You eat all those oily food and your liver will suffer."

"Hear, hear!" The doctor agreed. Fact is, the ONLY negative comment on that meal, is the many prickly fish bones.

The onlookers breathe a sigh of relief. Now they play this right, and maybe, peace is not some forlorn dream.

But then…

"Shoo! Shoo! Let go of the fish you naughty bird!" Lacus and Kira looked at the direction. Senba angrily swing around his apron, trying vainly to send away a bunch of gulls heartily devouring a large portion of the remaining Steamed fish. Apparently, it was some leftovers of Torii's avian fleet reinforcements.

When the stuffed gulls finally flew away, all that's left of the fish is but a bunch of bones and mangled meat.

"Aahh! Why are there so many birds today?" Senba groaned.

"It's okay, Senba-san. We'll eat the other dish." Kira smiled in understanding. Lacus also nodded.

"Right, right."

Stress Level: Defcon 3 – Still hungry

Meat dish: Roast Chicken.

And Senba served… a large hunk of charred egg.

"Senba-san, the menu says roast chicken. Right. Where's the chicken?"

Senba grinned and raised a hammer before he brought it down on the egg. The Egg breaks… and the blue flame combust in an instant. A flambé. Amidst the fires, Kira can discern a roasted chicken inside. "Enjoy as soon as the fire die down, okay!?"

Even without eating it, the very smell of this dish gave the two expert chefs a good idea that the taste will be a good level above the previous one, and that's saying a lot.

"Now this, Kira, is what we call flambé!" For a moment, it looked as if Lacus was mocking Kira again. But Kira watched the bursting fire and replied with a solemn nod. "I guess so. Noted. Senba-san, when this is over, please teach it to me, will you?"

Glad to see the peace began to form, Senba nodded. "No prob."

"Hmmm… flambé aside… this method of cooking, this smell of alcohol on the flames… and this roast chicken… ah I get it. It's the beggar's chicken." Kira deduced correctly.

"Ping pong!" the cook gave a thumb's up.

"Beggar's chicken?" Lacus tilted her head.

"It's a very unique dish. Back in China, during ancient times, people coated stuffed chicken with mud, and then they burn it just like that. It used to be done by poor people who didn't even have proper cooking utensils. That's why they call it Beggar's Chicken." But Kira looked at the egg shell of the chicken. "Except that… this is not mud…" He fearlessly poked the still flaming shell and licked it. It's salty and spicy, with a tinge of alcohol. "It's… salt. He coated the chicken with salt and flour dough… and then roast it with flambé using sake."

"Sake!?" Lacus gulped. "We're minors! We can't drink alcohol!?"

"That's where the flambé is important." Kira nodded. "When the fire died down, all alcohol content has been burnt away, leaving just the sweet medicinal after taste of the sake."

"So, we just had to wait for the fire to die down. Good." Lacus opted to just sit sweetly, waiting for the small bonfire to vanish. But then, as the two waited and waited, lightning suddenly cracked loudly across the skies. And with it, so suddenly, a massive downpour just suddenly rain down and gave the two good flash shower.

The heavy downpour lasted for only 30 seconds…

…and the two couple looked like they just took a dip in the ocean.

The drenched Kira and Lacus looked at each other. The flambé beggar chicken is all but ruined. The flame was doused, the salt egg is all but melted, and the chicken is only partially done, not to mention completely soggy with the taste is officially ruined. All in all, it was inedible.

Kira and Lacus looked first at their ruined dinner, and then to the heavens, wondering what's the big idea with that divine intervention of a joke that is the sudden and super short but super heavy downpour. Their attention was momentarily distracted when their stomach growled, loudly. They're really HUNGRY now.

"I… I'll get the main dish! Yes! The Main dish is safe!" Senba hurriedly removed the ruined chicken.

Stress level: Defcon… 3… halfway to 2… I guess? They're REALLY, REALLY hungry now.

Main dish: fried noodle.

And this one… well, the two can really enjoy…

Or… one can say… they're supposed to.

"Did Senba just gave noodles to KIRA!?" Sai, and Tolle panicked.

"Errhh… something wrong with that?" Chiba frowned.

"Well… Kira's a bit nitpicky about food, so from time to time he'll comment about the thing he ate…ESPECIALLY if it's his favorite food." Tolle gulped.

"Which normally isn't exactly a bad thing…" Sai added.

"But if Kira start commenting the way as it is… you think Lacus-chan will stay quiet?" Tolle sweated.

"And if Lacus didn't stay quiet… you think Kira will?"

Chiba quickly understood the gravity of the situation, but she still feel a bit confident. "But Senba's no slouch either. I'm sure he can find some middle bridge for those two." Nevertheless, she crossed all her fingers and toes, hoping for the best. Besides, the Rocksalt Gottfried cannons are still operational, despite being drenched like that, and thus it is still a potent deterrent. Alliance Cannons had tackled the waterproof test a long time ago.

The sauce for the fried noodle is quite unique: it's sweet and spicy at the same time. This is Senba's idea to bridge the warring taste bud of these two nemeses. Well… that was the plan…

Kira took one strand, taste it and what he says about it is: "…it's not spicy enough…"

Lacus took one mouthful and what she says about it is: "…it's not sweet enough…"

Deathglare…

Sweatdrop…

Salt Rock cocked ready to rock.

The sound reached the two archenemies, and the two share mutual unwillingness to be blasted to kingdom come in a hail of saltrock. That, and their hungry stomach has no room for them to be nitpicky. But, they also wanted to have their dinner to their liking. Kira grabbed some pepper and spices, Lacus grabbed some brown sugar, and the two sprinkled each of their individual plates with the seasoning they like. Kira added so many spices the noodle turned black. Lacus added so much red and brown sugar, her noodle turned pink and chocolate.

They eat it… it taste better to their individual taste. But still… the warm atmosphere has become a wee bit awkward…

"Uh… hm! Yep. This taste better." Kira smiled.

"Mmm, mm! Yep. It's delicious." Lacus also smiled.

The two looked disapprovingly at each other, remembering the modification they've done to their respective food. Naturally, both considered each other's modification to be blasphemous. Another deathglare…

Another Salt Rock ready to roll.

Stress Level: Defcon 3

"Okay. I had to ask: what is it with you… and this… unhealthy obsession with sweets?" That's it. Screw the rocksalt cannons, Kira came straight and true.

"Unhealthy? Un-HEALTHY? I'll have you know: I'm a former very qualified and professional Doctor! I KNOW everything there is to know that constitute as unhealthy!" Lacus barked back.

"Really? And why do you have an arsenal of that many sweets at your disposal?"

"Those are my private storage! Besides, thanks to a certain someone cooking dishes so hot it was unpalatable for the last few days, I had to survive on sweets alone! If I develop a cavity due to my stay here, I'll sue you for war crime on POW!"

"So sue me for NOT being such a sweet tooth!"

"Then, my turn to ask. Why do you hate sweets so much!?"

"Because I see more damage than good done eating that crap."

"Crap? CRAP!? HOW DARE YOU!? Confectionary is an ART! One of the most refined cooking there is! It's a food that-"

"-is a one way ticket to cavity, as you yourself has just testified." Kira retorted back. "It can cause diabetes and also obesity."

Cut mid sentence, Lacus's mouth dumbly hung open. "Sweet has a very high protein. I had heard stories of chocolate being developed as army rations! Soldiers can survive for days with only chocolate diet!"

"There's also this other case I read where a soldier was forced to eat that brown thing for weeks, when they came back, they start developing tooth problems and sugar rush junkies! With abnormal mental disorder and obesity on the side!"

"Did you know that certain blend of spices can cause horrible indigestion problem!?"

"You made that up!"

"Did I? I'm a doctor and a cook! Not only I know how to make things taste good, I also know how to make sure they're highly nutritious!"

Contrary to everyone's beliefs that Kira will retort with some sarcasm, instead, his tense glare at Lacus vanished and he nodded. "Taste good and healthy at the same time, eh?" He chuckled. "For every chef… I guess that is what we all chefs astride to be."

Lacus also calmed down a bit. "How did you start cooking, Kira-san?"

"…" Kira looked at Lacus and then explained. "…Lennore-san… was a terrible cook. She's good at everything, but… try as she might, anything she cooks always ended up in disaster. She tried to roast something, and the roof was burnt. She tried to fry something, and she charbroiled the whole kitchen. Even the results were… well… let's just say Athrun and I were lucky we were born with stronger than normal digestion systems."

Lacus couldn't help not to spurt into her meal. "But… I'm under impression she would have cooks for her… unlike me, I suppose?"

"She did. And thankfully most of the time, she was quite busy, so she had too little time to cook, so the head maid cooks for us. Anytime she does have some time off… we really need to think up other ways to keep the terminology 'cooking' from her mind… which is rather hard, considering she loved trying to do it. One time, I try to make the dish she made taste better… with spices."

Lacus, halfway swallowing her fried noodle stopped.

"Now, back then, I'm just an amateur. The blend of spices I put then was… impromptu and seriously, inedible. It was so hot it's just unpalatable. Even for me!" Kira pointed a finger. Lacus gulped. Anything hot enough that even this spice eater deemed it unpalatable is definitely not for human consumption! "She noticed, and tried my dish… and she still says she loved it anyway." Kira smiled at the fond memory.

"…I see…" Lacus also smiled. So that's why Kira loved everything spicy. "ne, Kira-san, did you know? There's this kind of sauce, the sweet can also enhance the spiciness of a dish you know?"

"I know. There's this dish in China…"

The warming atmosphere was noticeable and everyone whose fingers on the trigger finally relaxed. With this, the war between these two is as good as over.

Stress Level: Defcon 5, all clear.

But, watching two people eating a full course on the table, there's little wonder that other spectators also felt their stomach growling. A soldier guarding one of the 12 saltrock cannon aimed at the two suddenly realized their own predicament when he heard his stomach growled. "Not to worry, I got some riceballs." A soldier lifted up a bag.

"Ahh! Perfect timing!"

Apparently, other soldiers came up with the same conclusions. With peace eminent, they can lax a little and had some belated dinner.

But…

"Blaargh! This riceball taste friggin' horrible! It's as salty as shite!"

"Urgh! Croack… Am I eating a riceball, or am I eating a hunk of sugar-rock?"

"Mine taste like… what the fuck? It's sweet, spicy, and bitter and all the thingamajig!? Who made this crap!?"

"It's Sean over there!" One soldier pointed accusingly on the soldier Sean.

Said soldier heard the accusing shout, and shouted back. "Well, make your own damn Riceball! I was loading the cannons with rocksalt! You ever try to make a riceball with your hand covered in Salt? What's with the rice were all contaminated by radiation and cream pollutants from their battles and all!"

"And you didn't bother washing your hands first?" Another guy who got their hands of Sean's riceball also yelled a protest from the other side.

"Calm down folks! We appreciate Sean's work boys, we really do."

"But come on men! What so hard about riceballs? You just put a handful of rice and then shape em in the shape of balls! Put an Umeboshi inside! Even my aunt bless her soul can make something better than this!"

Other soldiers in other sections also tasted that god awful bizarrely tasted riceballs, and they all obviously had complaints. "Holy shit! This thing taste like crap!" another yell in the distance. Pretty soon, all soldiers stationed in other cannon emplacements began complaining about this nasty food. Some even went so far as to vomit.

The first soldier just had it. "Look! Just shut up and eat! Remember why we agreed to do this?"

"Kindly remind us?"

"Remember what Kira said? We're Militia soldiers we're supposed to eat crappy food. And yet, day by day he always managed to cook something delicious, if only a bit short on portions."

"True!" "True, true!"

"He even managed to cook a different noodle every single time! Ramen with konyaku, Ramen with that delicious but gloopy thing called mousse, Ramen with mapo tofu, Ramen with meat made of mushroom, Ramen with bamboo shoots and even Ramen ala Italiano! All sorts of noodles I've already lost count. One consistent thing: they're all freakin delicious."

"Agree!" "Agree!" "Hear, hear!"

"Tonight, by giving him a candlelight dinner under Kage's order, albeit under the threat of artillery bombardment, let's just say it's the least we can do for him. And the riceball was a good sentiment." The soldier turned to Sean, who was about ready to explode, to make his point. "I truly do think so. But not pointing any finger… they could've been done better."

"They still taste like crap though." One soldier still moaned.

"Well shut up and eat that crap! Look, we got things with us. Too salty? Fine. Grab some pepper or ketchup or whatever! Make it taste better one way or another!"

"Except we don't have any pepper. Or ketchup. Or anything that can make this piece of crap of ball of rice taste better!"

Sean just had it. "Oh that's it! I spent the whole god damn evening to make each and every one of these riceballs for every one of you ungrateful Sons of bitches! And all I hear is complaints, complaints, complaints! So from now on, don't you ask me for any favor or nothing! I'm leavin!" In his anger, Sean tossed the rice ball in his hand to the sky. Perhaps the idea was to toss it to the sea, but at that instant, a strong gust of wind blows through the ship and sent the rice ball spiraling uncontrollably… and landed on one of the complaining cannoneers.

The combination between hunger and all the pain and suffering they've endured all day made everyone's patience pretty much paper thin. "OI! WHY DID YOU THROW THIS CRAP ON ME!?"

"Ah, oops?" Sean's lack of remorseful tone in his reply invited a return fire from the victim.

The angered soldier throw the riceball at the first thrower, Sean ducked down and the riceball missed him completely. But it hit another unwary soldier by the face with a splat. "Nyaaah! Missed!" Sean stick out his tongue, until the vengeful unwary soldier throw a riceball right on his back. "That'll teach you tossing mucks at people's head!" An enraged Sean grab his own riceball and throw it back without a word. It was quite an impressive throw, aided by the wind and all, and it hit the neighbouring artillery emplacements, as well as the head of some of the occupants, with equally short temper and little to no patience for horrid tasting riceball splattered on their heads.

In a chain reaction, one riceball leads to another, and all soldiers congregated on that one spot in a grand food fight, with riceballs flying allover the place and a banquet of knuckle sandwiches. "YOU IGNORANT FUCKERS! FROM NOW ON I'LL NEVER GONNA MAKE ANY RICEBALLS FOR ANYONE UNLESS SOMEONE WHO CAN UNDERSTAND IT'S TRUE WORTH!" "GOOD! THOSE WHO DO UNDERSTAND WILL TURN IT INTO PAPER PULP WHERE IT WON'T TASTE AS REVOLTING!"

"Fellas, fellas! Let's not forget why we're here! We're here to watch over those-SPLATZZ!" The Peacemaker and his team of level headed soldier got themselves a pack of that horrid rice ball and all idea of peace and calm went out of the window. "SCREW THIS! KILL EM ALL!"

This commotion obviously distracted both Kira and Lacus from their dinner and conversation. Kira jaw dropped upon seeing the rice ball world war is in procession. "I ought to stop this…" Kira was about to try to get up from his seat but Lacus quickly stopped him.

"Wait, here comes your friends." Lacus pointed at the incoming Shadowguards.

The only station not hounded in berserk fury was that of the Shadowguards' station, who upon seeing the brawl, quickly entered the fray to separate the fighters. "STOP! STOOOOPP! What's the meaning of this chaos!?"

The brawling soldiers stopped in an instant upon seeing the officers on deck. "HE STARTED IT!" All finger pointed at Sean.

But Sai, assuming the mantle of Kage for the night, couldn't care less. "No. You ALL had a hand in this! You should be ashamed of yourselves! I thought we had agreed that tonight is all about peace and quiet! Is THIS what you call PEACE and QUIET!?" Kage shoved his hand at the chaos and the rice ball laden battlefield of a deck.

Everyone bow their heads down in shame.

"Cleaning duty on all of you tonight! And if I see a single grain of riceball in this deck, you're all gonna be sorry."

"Sir yes siiirr…" Everyone lazily replied and obeyed.

And they began cleaning. Sean started by grabbing a piece of the Rice ball that started it all. Remorse and anger overcome his mind, and in fury, he tossed the rice ball to the ocean. Perhaps there's some divine intervention at work here, a strong gust throw the riceball off course yet again, straight into the gaping beak of a passing by seagull. The seagull ate it… disgusted by it… and they throw up right on top of Sai.

And the thing about rage: they're highly contagious. "WHO DID THAT!?"

AN: Please reread to the "In a chain reaction…" and so forth and so forth…

Kira and Lacus looked on, eyes wide, jaw dropped, as the rice-brawl began anew with Kage's shadowguards in the fray. "Well, I think I better get in there…" Lacus couldn't agree more. But try as Kira might, he's chained to his seat. "Lacus, Lacus… don't you have any spells that can take this chains off?"

"I have it, I have it. Give me a second."

But the battle on the other side grew to such extent, Lacus may not have a second as a riceball flew across the carnage…

"Haroha…"

…undisturbed, unstopped…

"…roharo…"

…and it knocked Tolle's head, pushing him back…

"Haro-"

…and Tolle stopped his fall by grabbing…

"-haro"

…and accidentally pulling the trigger for the Gottfried cannon pointing at Kira and Lacus.

With a loud roar, the cannon unleash its stray shot payload.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARGHH!" The painful scream of the two stopped the fight short.

Everyone stopped and looked at what happened.

Kira, and Hikari, battered six ways to rageville by the saltrock, their dinner blown in their faces, they looked at each other, seeing their food ruined and their stomach grumbling ever louder. "You know… I've been thinking…" Kira growled, holding down the pain.

"Yes, Kira-kun?"

"Who… started all this… really?" Kira groaned. "I mean… well… there's this thing about our taste… but why do I get the feeling someone… or some people… are blowing this out of the proportion?"

"You mean… who had this whole idea of cooking contest, verbal battle and all that?"

"…and this whacked up dinner where we barely ate anything… we got drenched, we got rock-salted…"

"Whose idea was all this?"

The two looked at each other and they all came to the same conclusion and they glared with bloodshot furious eyes at the petrified Shadowguards and the Soldiers.

"But you know… if you weren't being such a jerk… we won't be in this mess!" Hikari glared back.

Kira glared back in fury at the deviant Hikari. But, now is not the time. As long as these jokers meddle, they'll never have a good clean deathmatch. "Truce."

"For now." Hikari thought the same.

"We can go back to kill each other again when this is over."

"Agreed."

And suddenly… everyone had this thought crossed their minds:

'We're fucked.'

Salad: Stress level: Defcon 1

Dessert: Nuclear War Grade Road rage coming up

Drink: Thirst for Blood

Kira & Lacus: as Mad as Hell

Shadowguards and the crew: In big, as in, DOUBLY BIG trouble

On the upside… the two are no longer hungry, and they're now working together, ready to fuck all.

00000000000000

"I see… That's worrisome."

"Right? Haro! Our masters are geniuses, but in some cases, they can be total idiots. Haro."

"It's just Kira being stubborn. It's gone long enough. He'll come to his senses soon."

"I hope so, haro. But… what is it with your master's great dislike to sweets? Haro. Is it something or… it's just him?"

"Well, it's his taste… and there's… didn't Kira tell you anything? Did he tell Lacus about it?"

"No. Haro. In the last few days, Haro, the only time they were interacting, they were too busy trying to slaughter one another. Haro."

"Hmm… Kira did told her about his time in Terminal. But if Kira choose not to tell her about that part, I'm not sure if I can tell her about it. Also, I had to agree with Kira that your master's obsession with sweets is unhealthy… in a matter of speaking."

"Tell you what: I'll share my story, you share yours, haro. Mum's the word… until such time I feel it's really needed, haro."

"Hmm… Okay. Alright, keep this just between us Shikigamis. Okay?"

"From my lips to Hell's ears. Haro. By the way… haro. Before you begin… haro… could you tell me why is Gino currently looking for you like a bloodhound?" Lily, in her Ms. Pink form zoomed at full speed, matching up with Torii's speed, flying side by side next to him. The two flying Shikigami floated quietly, overlooking Gino, mad as hell, and as crazy as a loon, covered head to toe with poo, shit, and all sorts of thingamajig too disgusting to be described, looking left and right with murderous intent flaring blatantly. "While you're at it, can you explain to me why he smelled like a poo and recesses for the last few days?"

Torii merely tilted his head. "Well… It was just a bit of fun… on my part…" Torii tucked his talon, holding yet another blueprint that Gino had drawn with blood, sweat, and literal tears.

The Avian Zoan looked in horror to every direction, silently waiting, unnerved by the menacing silence, a drastic change from the earlier full glory of all out massed aerial assault from the entire avian fleet. "Where are you, you little green terror!?"

Torii divebombed, breaking the sound barrier, and unleash one loud "Torii!" and a sonic boom right next to his ear.

"WhaaAARGHH!" A shocked and disoriented Gino fell to the pit of the well prepared septic tank.

Torii: 6

Gino: 0

Yep. Definitely one sided.

00000000000000

Prankcraft III: Reign of Salt rock

Breakfast

Came morning, Kira and Hikari' revenge against the Salt Rockers, as they termed them as such, begins. When these two geniuses combined their raw seething hatred engulfed intellect together to a single purpose, the result was nightmarish to say the least.

First, Kira refused to cook. That was already a disaster enough news to everyone aboard the ship.

Second, Hikari and Kira combined their respective expertise (Kira's spice radioactive bomb and Jutsus combined with Lacus' confectionary warheads and magical expertise) giving birth to a new generation of WMDs, resulting in an asymmetrical warfare which best described as one sided genocide which fortunately brief but it was guaranteed to be painful.

And thirdly, for the first time, the two archenemies really agreed on something: give them a taste of their own medicine.

First, the soldiers barricaded themselves in the mess hall, with tables and chairs as makeshift fortification…

Soldiers remaining: 2000 (more or less, it's their full number)

Kira and Lacus vini (I come)…

The ground melted into a glooey liquid lava hot Tabasco, trapping everyone on the ground. Hikari tossed a giant caramel which broke to pieces into smaller man eating caramel monster, with explosive tags strapped to their mouths (which makes them suicide bombers as well). The trapped soldiers screamed and shouted in horror. The surviving soldiers retreated to the second line of defense of tables and chairs. But moments later, the explosive tags set off, and the secondary line of defense was taken out in a splatter of cream. The helpless and terrified soldiers quickly backed away. Alas, Kira opened fire with fiery salvo of super everlasting hot gobstoppers, smashing heads, teeth, and taste-buds with every throw, all laced with rock salt, doubling the pain.

The soldiers, completely overwhelmed, retreated, with many casualties along the way…

Soldiers remaining: 1875

Next, the survivors took cover in the armory. They took spears, and wooden shields and made a second fortification. Obviously tougher than the previous.

Kira and Lacus vidi (I see)…

Kira brought in the artillery by bringing forth a Gottfried Cannon, mounted on Hikari's haro-haro roller tank. The fortification was mowed down and quickly made way to the center of the trapped soldiers, and without missing a beat, the roller start spinning at 360 degrees as the tank start open fire. Tabasco thrower, black pepper gatling, soft cone spikes, whipped cream laser blast, and more importantly: a load of rock salt bullet storm. The Soldiers returned fire with handthrown rocksalt, but they all bounced back from the Haro-haro roller tank gum armor, returning the salty projectile back to the original shooter irradiated with paprika powder and the force of a bullet. In an instant, many of them were quickly battered into retreat.

Soldiers remaining: 1454

Kira and Lacus vici (I conquer)…

Problem is, their methods, now that they are on the receiving ends, are truly, TRULY insidious. The soldiers were still running from the wrath of the Cook of Death and the Goddess of Destruction when a Shadowguard appeared before them, and waving his hand, pointing at the lavatory. Thinking the Shadowguards an ally, they followed without question and they all flocked to the shadowguard. Going into the lavatory, the Shadowguard lead them to a closed room. But then, the soldiers began to notice something. There are only TWO male shadowguards they know off to participate by their side (Milly did sternly refused to had a hand in anything)… and they are all accounted for, surviving the massacre up until now… and now there are THREE male Shadowguards. All eyes turned to the third unknown male Shadowguard, who was promptly sucked into a grey haro, before that same Haro spit out a nuclear grade Fat Boy Rock Salt fragmentation bomb.

Imagine Hiroshima, if you will.

Soldiers remaining: 235

And finally…

The remainder of the unwhacked Soldiers (and what's left of them anyway) along with the cornered Shadowguards finally decided to fight these masters of WMD is a folly, and so they hid in the one place they felt to be safe.

"Is this your idea of safe?"

Inside the barrel of the 12 foot caliber Lohengrin.

"It's the only place I'm pretty sure they'll never expect." Tolle added… nervously.

How wrong he was…

In the trigger room of the Lohengrin…

"Well done. You're relieved son. We'll take it from here."

"Yes. Sir." The Soldier answered short in great relief as the Captain and his girlfriend finally rescinded the 100 ton hammer made of rock salt tucked on his head. They told him, under the pain of suffering and eventual painful death, to let the doomed soldiers and Shadowguards hid in the cannon if they eventually, after the HELL they went through, asked him to. As ordered, he did. And as ordered, he secretly warned the good captain and his girlfriend of the situation when it arises.

Which is another way of saying that everything has been going exactly as Kira had planned.

Now that he fulfilled his duty, the Soldier ran like a bat out of hell out of the firing room.

Kira removed his Kage mask (Lacus gave special permit just for the occasion) took the controls and began make ready to fire.

"Preparing firing trigger…" Kira pulled a lever and somewhere in the cannon's massive construction, gears began to turn, springs uncoiled, and a gigantic battering hammer was pulled back, preparing to hit the proportionally huge firing pin.

Inside the cannon…

Sai rubbed the deep rifling crevice of the barrel's insides and noticed it was a bit… dusty?

Kira spin the wheel, and another set of gears turned, and the firing pin was ready to ignite the primer of the bullet…

Sai tasted the dust… and it was salty.

"And we are…" Kira placed his finger on the trigger.

And he realized what it means. "RUUUUNNN!"

"…Firing." Kira knowingly and mercilessly pulled the trigger.

The gears uncoiled, and the hammer push forward, striking the firing pin, which in turn, light the primer, sending a sprinkle of a 100 tons of Lohengrin Rock Salt burst fire upon the victim inside its maw.

Outwardly, the Lohengrin exploded, unleashing a streaming cloud of powdered rock salt for miles forward, its sound drowned the screams of horror and pain of its victims…

Kira and Lacus decimate(slaughter)…

Kira and Lacus: Vengeance: Served. Personal satisfaction: guaranteed

Shadowguards and Soldiers: Survivors: zero (one if you count Milly), time in the medical ward: earned, eternal mental trauma for Rock-salt: assured.

Prankcraft III: Frozen Food Throne

Lunch

And now, with the final meddler has been put to the chopping block, Kira and Lacus is back to the basic of their conflict:

"You started it! You make me fall into coma for 3 freakin' days!" Kira dodged a softcone icecream by a hairbreadth.

"Well, I already apologize! You're the one who gave me that horrifying, horrifyingly hot dish! My mouth all sullied!" Lacus ducked a balloon filled with chilly sauce and pepper.

And they're back to tossing weaponized culinary creations at each other's heads.

"Take THIS!" Lacus launched a creampie, blazing across the field like a meteor… actually, it did became a creamy white hot meteor, and it smashed through and tear the entire upper deck, carving a long crevice.

"HOW'S THIS FOR A CHANGE!?" Kira, having salvaged and repurposed Lacus' whipped cream beam cannon, used it to fire a stream of armor piercing highly pressurized chilly sauce cutter that split the ship in two.

And in her fury, Lacus casted a spell so powerful, gigantic ice cream meteorite falls from the sky, freezing the ocean, bringing about a localized ice age…

Kira casted his jutsu and bring down a tornado that tore apart the fourth wall- wait what!?

Wait a minute… PAUSE!

This ain't right. They're blowing up the fourth wall! They can't do that!

"Excuse me!"

Huh?

AjSlayer walked out of his room and noticed the characters are glaring at him. Kira and Lacus glared angrily through the monitor: "Hey, AjSlayer! Don't you think this is a bit too much!?"

"Yeah! Some of these jokes aren't even funny anymore!" Lacus moaned. "Where's the story in this? Where's the drama, where's the plot!?"

"True, true! Put the Writer back in charge!" Gino also added. "And don't you think the fact a bird beat the shit out of me so flawlessly is a bit too much!?"

OH SHUT UP YOU ALPHABETICAL COMPOSED CREATURE! THIS IS HOW THIS STORY SHOULD'VE BEEN! VIOLENCE! GLORIOUS MINDLESS STORILESS DESTRUCTION AND NONSENSE!

"Knock it off asshole! This ain't your fanfic!" Kira roared in fury. "Put an end to this chapter, right the hell now!"

SILENCE! I'M THE GOD OF THIS FANFICTION! AND I WILL NOT BE DICTATED BY-

BANG!

Ajslayer dropped dead with a new hole to breathe off on his forehead. Ajwriter walked right back in with a smoking shotgun in his hand and saw the chaos that happened. STUPID, CRAZY SON OF A… YOU ALRIGHT DOWN THERE, BOYS AND GIRLS?

"Yeah… we're okay… somewhat…" Kira and Lacus looked in relief at the Writer across the shattered Fourth Wall.

Lacus looked at the misshapen head of AjSlayer. "Is he… dead?"

UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE WORLD, NO. HE'S A PART OF ME AND EVENTUALLY HE'LL TAKE OVER AGAIN SOME DAY, SOME TIME, SOME CHAPTER. ANYWAY, YOU WON'T BE SEEING HIM FOR A WHILE NOW…

"So, now that you're back… what's gonna happen now?" Kira asked.

WELL, THIS INSANITY HAS GONE LONG ENOUGH. NEARING 30,000 WORDS AT THIS POINT, MY FINGERS HURTS, AND I'M RUNNING OUT OF PRANKS, EVEN WHACKY ONES. I'M PUTTING THE IMPROBABILITY ENGINE BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL LEVEL. THINGS SHOULD TURN BACK TO NORMAL. MIND YOU THE COMMON SENSE RESTORATION PROCESS WILL TAKE A WHILE. BEAR WITH IT. TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL REWIND YOU ALL BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

"Wait a minute!" Gino yelled in protest. "Can't you do anything about my situation?"

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED. SO SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR WHOPPIN LIKE A MAN!

"WHAT!?"

WELL, AFTER THIS YOU GUYS WON'T REMEMBER A THING AND THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED. SELAMAT JALAN! AU REVOIR! SAYONARA! GOOD BYE, GODSPEED!

REWIND

Fourth wall erected. Beginning process of reality and rationality restoration. Plotline restored.

Okay, Prankcraft III: Frozen Food Throne, take 2: in 3… 2… 1… ACTION!

Prankcraft III: Frozen Food Throne

Lunch

And now, with the final meddler has been put to the chopping block, Kira and Lacus is back to the basic of their conflict:

"You started it! You make me fall into coma for 3 freakin' days!" Kira dodged a softcone icecream by a hairbreadth.

"Well, I already apologize! You're the one who gave me that horrifying, horrifyingly hot dish! My mouth all sullied!" Lacus ducked a balloon filled with chilly sauce and pepper.

And they're back to tossing weaponized culinary creations at each other's heads. But it was then, when one cupcake hit Kira squarely by the face it happened. Kira grabbed a paprika grenade when blood bursting out of his noses again.

"KIRA-SAN!"

And that completely stopped all the hostilities.

In short order, Kira was quickly brought into the Angel's Bath again and dipped into the herbal hot water for long overdue rehabilitation. The herbal mixture in the water quickly stimulates relaxation on the patient and Kira immediately felt at ease. All his exhaustion and stress seeps away. Minutes later, they can hear snoring. Kira fell asleep in his bath again.

"Right. Let's get him out before he went overdose and fall into coma again. And then he'll start screaming again and… yeesh." Lacus nodded at her two doppelgangers. Kira's sleeping figure lay motionless on the hard wooden floor. It was clearly uncomfortable. "Don't we have pillows around here?"

The Shikigami Haros looked everywhere and there are none.

Lacus frowned. And then, she slowly and gently lifted Kira's head and placed it on her bent thighs. As she watched him sleep, Lacus couldn't help to notice how different Kira was, between when he's awake, and when he's asleep. Lacus gently combed Kira's messy hair, trying to tidy it up with little success. Eventually she resorted to just playing around with his unruly brown hair, rolling it up her finger. Lacus felt slightly annoyed. Looking back, she was being immature, but Kira also share some portion of the blame too. She heard of people who hates sweets. And she would be more than aware if someone had health problems from eating excessive amount of confectionary. Diabetic people, for instance. But Kira was not. He was fine model of health and vigor, an Advanced that at his peak physical form and still growing stronger. Not to mention his regenerative powers. "So what's your problem with confectionary anyway…?" Lacus murmured the question to herself.

Ms. Pink, being silent all this time, finally spoke. "Lacus, haro, Lacus, Haro."

"Lily?"

Ms. Pink reverted back to her human form. "About Kira's aversion to confectionary, Haro, I asked Torii about it, haro."

Lacus blinked in curiosity.

"Before he became Shikigami, Torii was a bird who lived together with Kira all his life. Haro. So he saw a lot of things. Haro." Lily reiterated. "And he made me promise that I shouldn't tell you, seeing Kira didn't tell you about it. Haro. But given the circumstances… haro."

Lacus's curiosity and concern piqued. "I want to know! Please."

Lilly sighed. "You remember Kira once told you that he was once part of the pickpocketing gang? Haro. Well, that gang has a method to keep their pickpocketers in check. Haro. A way not only to ensure those children hit their quota, Haro, and also to ensure they won't run away. Haro. They gave them a drug laced candy or chocolate. Haro."

"Drug?" Lacus' eyes twitched.

"Yes, Haro. Small amount, haro, but highly addictive and also poisonous but not lethal, Haro. Problem is, haro, if the children didn't get a dosage on a daily basis, they'll suffer, haro. The ringleaders of the gang often punished those who failed to hit their quota by denying them candy for days, making them suffer immensely, haro."

Lacus' eyes turned blank in horror.

"Kira was a different story. Haro." Lilly looked at kira's sleeping figure. "He was smart enough to notice something was off with those candies, haro… so he never ate them, haro. He only pretended to swallow them and then spit them out at a later time when no one was looking. Haro. But… his luck didn't last. One day, he got caught spitting out his candy. Haro. As punishment, they cocked him full of that crap… Haro."

"Thanks to his advanced constitution he survived lethal poisoning… but Kira was only five when they do that to him. So you can just about imagine what that can do to you when you're of that age." Torii explained to Lily. "Not too long after, he escaped… but the damage was done. The poison was designed in such a way, if the supply of that drug was cut off for even a single day, the pain is excruciating. For 3 weeks, the screams never stopped. The number of times I had to stop Kira bashing his head to the wall in a suicide attempt if only to be spared the agony…"

Lily clasped her mouth in horror.

"But eventually, with his hyper healing factor working in full force, he survived, and the poison was purged from his system. But the damage was done. Kira may not be a diabetic physically. It's both mental and physical illness though… Physically, his body considered any kind of confectionary entered his system is equivalent to a deadly toxin trying to endanger his life."

"On the other hand, it's also a mental illness because, he's ok when he used them as ingredients in cooking… like sugar or the sweetness from fruits… but he'll react to candy and confectionary due to serious mental trauma." Lily explained. "Well, I think we had to think of-" Lily was about to suggest a mental treatment course but then she saw Lacus ignoring her.

Lacus didn't fully catch the latter part of the explanation. She stopped listening to Lily when she told her about the part where Kira was forcefed the poison to his being. Now as Kira slept calmly and peacefully on her lap, Lacus gently and, unbeknownst even to herself, lovingly, caress Kira's brown hair. Tucking her pink crown to his brown one, Lacus gently hugged the sleeping Kira. Upon seeing this, Lily wisely decided to stay quiet and left without another word.

Lilly transformed back into her Miss. Pink form, and outside the bath, Torii perched on the stool, waiting.

"There, I told her, haro."

"Hm. That's okay." Torii nodded before he flew off with Ms. Pink following.

"I'm sorry. But I really think it's for the best."

"No, I'm not angry. It's really the best way for a swift end to this stupid war."

"You can tell your master about her story."

"LIKE HELL I WILL!" Torii looked at Ms. Pink asking her sanity. "If I tell Kira your master loves confectionary just because of a silly reason as she concentrates better when she's in sugar high, he'll MURDER her in a heartbeat!"

"Ahahaha…" Ms. Pink laughed nervously, totally agreeing that reason does sound silly by comparison. And the two Shikigami left, thinking it's over.

How wrong they were…

Pretty soon, Lacus also fell asleep, pillowed by Kira's unruly but soft brown hair. But after a while, Kira's eyes opened. But his eyes were different. Not the usual sapphire purple, nor the dichromatic blue and yellow… instead, it's a pair of eight slitted greenish white eyes shone through.

'Kira' rose up and began flexing his… her… fingers. "Well then…" Tia rubbed Kira's chin as green aura emanated from Kira's possessed body. "I think I'll start by getting myself a nice hot bath…" But before Tia do so, she looked back and saw Lacus' sleeping figure. And then a mischievous snarl spread on Tia's lips.

No one knows how long, but Lacus woke up with an aching back having slept on the hard wooden floor and Kira was missing. "Ara? Arara? Kira? Kira? Where are you?" Looking left and right, the brunette was nowhere to be found. And then, several of her Haros popped in from the corner. It was Levi and Megi. "Ah, Levi, Megi! Did you see Kira?"

"We… HMPH!" Megi's reply was cut short by a muffled laughter and snicker.

"Hm?" Lacus frowned.

Levi gave Lacus the answer by generating a mirror of ice. Lacus looked at her own reflection.

Someone had a bright idea of redoing her make up in a style of clown from the house of horrors, one that will give children nightmares. Problem is… she's colored… head to toe… from the last strand of her prized pink hair to the tip of her toe was spared no mercy. And while Megi snort and snicker uncontrollably, biting her lips so as to not laughing out loud, Levi handed her master a basin of water to clean her face up. But lacus quickly went to the first question. "Did you see Kira?"

"He's bathing right now… in the bath."

Without finishing her cleanup she marched straight into the bath, still partially colored in that hideous makeup. When she get there, she saw Kira calmly swimming in the angel's bath, humming a tune. Lacus stood there for 3 seconds… and Kira noticed her already.

"Awake already? Do you like your new make up?"

"Who are you?"

"I beg your pardon?" Kira chuckled.

"You can't fool me. Who are you, and what have you done to Kira-san?" Lacus' tone was stern, beguiling her anger. Kira, or rather, Tia in Kira's body stopped for a second. She looked at Lacus' glare. "Coloring my whole body in paint? That's a low blow for Kira. He can come up with 10 other payback prank 10 times more sadistic than what you just came up. But where you blew it, is when you underestimated Kira. I know him better having fought him tooth and nail. He'll never EVER hit his opponents while they're sleeping. He's way too honorable for that, and way too simple. He likes his victim to be awake so that they can suffer in full. So either that makes you an impostor… or something else… anything else but Kira Yamato. So let me ask again: Who. Are. You!?"

Tia blinked in surprise. Two hours. She spent two hours to color her whole body. And in 5 minutes after she woke up she already saw right through it… no… Lacus knew the real Kira way too well that even if she possessed his body or try to imitate his mannerism way better than her excessively polite brother Jorm, the pink haired princess would still saw through it. "Who am I eh?" Tia no longer hid her identity as her voice echoed with Kira's voice and his purple eyes switched to Tia's green eyes. "Why don't you come and find out."

"GIRLS!" Lacus shrieked. And from every direction, all of Lacus' haros gathered around her. "Mwu-san told me about this… he said Kira was prone of being possessed by some ghost… I assume you're it."

"…and if I am?"

"I'm saying…" Lacus put on her mask AKA her recently officially established battle gear. "(Koff) You have just about the time it took for me to get angry to get out of Kira-san's body. (Koff) Because you won't like it when I'm angry. (koff)."

"Oooh. I'm so scared…"

"Haroha, haroha, roharo…"

Tia smirked.

"HARO, HARO BLOB!" Lacus grabbed Levi the blue haro and fired a massive amount of gluey haro slime. Tia was soon engulfed with a large number of blobby gooey slime that harden within seconds into rock solid multi colored cement. But by the time the hardening was complete, Kira's possessed figure disappeared.

Tia appeared on the ceiling, clad in only a towel to cover Kira's groin. "You missed." She said singsongly.

"Haroha, Haroha, Roharo…" Lacus grabbed Megi this time. "HARO-HARO HOU!" With a thunderous belch, Megi spit out a haro shaped ball of fiery arcane energy.

The roof of the Angel's bath was blasted out in a massive explosion. Kira, unharmed and now covered in greenish aura, jumped inbetween the shards of the explosions. (s)he landed on the rooftop, gazing incredulously towards Lacus, floating in the sky atop the green haro Asta. "Whoa! You're mighty sadistic, considering this is your boyfriend's body!"

"For the record (koff) one (koff) he's NOT my boyfriend. (koff) And two (koff) I know how tough he is. (koff) he won't die from something like that (koff)."

"…you do realize Common Sense is being restored and death is now a possibility?"

Common Sense Restoration: Mortality Restored.

AND TIA, IF YOU BREAK THE FOURTH WALL AGAIN, I'LL ERASE YOUR WHOLE EXISTENCE FROM ALL SUBSEQUENT CHAPTERS!

"Urgh… what was I saying?" Tia shook (her)his head, (her)his memory was mysteriously erased by some divine intervention. "Urm. Never mind that."

"HARO-HARO CAGE!" Lacus immediately switched to yellow Haro Barbara. 6 giant yellow Haros from six directions encircled Tia before momentarily slapped and stick on to her one by one, entrapping her in a prison cage made of 6 slabs of Haros. With the last haro slapped on her front, Tia was imprisoned inside a giant Haro shaped prison of solid matter. Lacus' open palm, pointing at the cage began to close, the yellow haro prison to condense and shrunk.

"Lacus, you're not going to kill him… or her… will you?" Barbara had a little difficult on how should she address the female spirit possessed male. And so did the writer, for that matter…

"No~o… (koff) I'm just going to cage him… (koff) her… (koff)" Lacus blinked, also in confusion to the matter of gender. "Then I'll find a way to extract that ghost girl out of him. (koff)"

Common Sense Restoration: rational Destructibility and understandable durability restored

But before Lacus can do what she wanted to do, the Haro prison began to tremble and cracked, inside out. Green seams of energy began to coruscate across the sphere, and the wind also began to pick up. Seconds later, the sphere exploded inside out, much to Lacus shock.

And then, she saw her. As with Jorm, a supernatural chakra flow out from Kira's left arm and left eye – though both of his eyes are Tia's color. The chakra is of green and white coloration, covering Kira's left arm, forming feathers that covered said arm and some patches of his body. The chakra on his head in particular, expanded and formed 8 long extra appendages of misshapen but serpentine chakra mass. Wind blows ferociously in the sky, cleaving the oceans generating torrents of violent waves, gathering around the possessed Kira. What's more, they seem kept the possessed boy aloft on thin air.

And now Lacus realized one thing. The Caretaker she saw inside Kira, and this… thing… whatever she is… they're of the same nature of not being human… but more importantly, they're both incredibly, impossibly powerful.

"Impressive… I guess I should get a little bit serious… even if I'm just playing… Tee-hee!" Tia smiled childishly. "Now… let's dance with the wind."

Common Sense Restoration: the concept of Limit (Stamina, strength and all) and also Moderation

The powerful gust around the aerial battlefield began to wither slightly though, and Tia also began to feel the restraints and the burden of using Kira's exhausted and still injured body. Phenomenal power aside, it still burden the host body one way or another. Lacus easily noticed this. "Well I don't know how that must feel for you (koff) using a body that's not your own (koff) but I must stress to you that Kira is still injured (koff). End this now before you make his injuries even worse. (koff)"

"Aww… but I still wanna have some fu-" Tia's words were suddenly cut off.

'WHO IS THIS!?' a loud roar echoed from within Tia's mind. 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY BODY!?' A very much awake and very wrathful mind of Kira Yamato finally returned to put his mental faculty back in order.

Tia gasped in surprise as her right eye began to turn into a familiar purple colored eye. What's more, Kira's willpower was so strong, he already regained control of roughly 40 %percent of his body as soon as his consciousness resurfaced. 'Easy, Kira-chan! I'm just-'

But Kira wasn't the only one who was pissed.

"TIAAAAAAAA!" In Kira's mindscape, Jorm, Guts, and Aham all showed up and dogpiled the exhibitionist of a girl, restraining her. "We were so busy fixing Kira's body from the inside and you sneak out first chance you get!" Jorm growled.

Common Sense Restoration: The concept of space and time

Lacus looked at all this bizarre occurrence and then as she knocked her palm with a fist with a pom, she came up with a conclusion: Kira's body is currently inhabited by two ghosts or… at least two: Jorm and this one other mischievous female spirit… and God knows how many more, judging by the way things going.

Mwu-san had once told her that in times when Kira is beset by a great danger that far surpass human rationalism, the ghost will come out and aid Kira in one way or another. Most of the time they decidedly stay put and quiet. But so far, that is how one can describe the blue haired man, who never does anything unless absolutely necessary.

But it was not the same with this female spirit. Her possession of Kira seems more based on mischief and whims.

The fact that Kira, with the aid of the other ghosts, were struggling to take control of his body back from this female ghost was evident that even Lacus can see it. What's with at one moment, Kira acted like a girl being restrained, ("Look! Listen to me for one second guys!") at other moment, he looked like he was the one doing the restraining. ("NO CAN DO! YOU GET BACK RIGHT THIS INSTANT MISSY!") But the fact remains, the pressuring gust began to wane, and the green supernatural chakra, initially so solid and clear began to disperse and thinned to near transparent level.

Lacus sweatdropped. "Wait a minute! (koff) There's something wrong with all this (koff)."

"Lacus…" Kira grunted as he struggled to retake control of his body. "We'll… talk… about… this… later! JORM! GET YOUR SISTER UNDER CONTROL OR I'LL-"

'I'm trying! TIA! BEHAVE!'

But Tia remained rebellious for some reason. "Don't you idiots realize what's going on!? Let me keep control for a few seconds and you'll understand!"

Lacus immediately understood the reason for the female ghost's insistence to remain in control. It's their altitude. Kira's taking back control, that's good. But the more Kira regained control, the lower he become. And currently, Lacus and Tia's fight had brought them right to the edge of the Archangel, and they're roughly 10 stories tall from the ship's upper deck… and they're dropping steadily. Unfortunately the altitude is not dropping steadily and fast enough for the eventual fall to be non lethal. (Remember: mortality has been restored) It was clear now that Tia was the one who kept Kira aloft.

Fact is… if Tia dispossesses Kira right NOW the effect won't be pretty. "WAIT! (Koff) Kira-san! (koff) Remain possessed a little longer! (koff) Otherwise you'll-"

Too little too late, Jorm and his brothers had restrained Tia and Kira retook control completely. At about the same time…

Common Sense Restoration: Earthly Gravitational Pull Restored

Kira looked left and right, and then he realized his predicament and why Tia was so adamant. "Oh, shi-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!" In a blink of an eye, Kira entered into a free fall straight down.

In a quick response, Lacus dived down, catching up with the free falling Kira just barely, landing him atop her speeding haro. But they're still going too fast, and the ship's steel deck are but moments away and Lacus desperately pulled the breaks. "ASTA! PULL ON THE BREAKS!"

"NO CAN DO! WE'RE TOO FAST!"

"BRACE!" Kira roared at the last second.

Asta tried her best to halt her overly rapid pace, but it was to no avail, the best she can do is redirect the fall away from the steel decks, and they smashed through the Merchant ship, going through several layers of wooden floor, and finally crash landed straight into the chilling room. The impact knocked them both unconscious.

Now in the hours that passed, most of the Common Sense factors and natural law had been completely restored… including emotions such as mercy, forgiveness and compassion… well… at least to the measure of the original character's story… somewhat.

Kira and Lacus woke up in a state halfway of becoming human Popsicle.

Well, more of Kira, actually… Lacus fare far better, wearing a sealed suit and all…

"Kira? (Koff) Kira-kun!?"

Kira's teeth clattered uncontrollably. His skin covered in ice flakes.

"Kira-kun!? (Koff) KIRA-KUN! KIRAAA!" Suddenly Lacus became really desperate. She began slapping Kira several times to wake him up. But alas, it was no use, and Kira was in grave danger of dying from hypothermia. "What to do, what to do, what to do…"

And then, Lacus looked at the situation, came up with an idea. First, she took off her helmet. And then, slowly, piece by piece, she began unzipping her clothes. "O-o-o-okay…" Lacus' teeth clattered in this freezing temperature. This is definitely a bad idea. Not that she had any other choice.

Meanwhile, Kira grunted and groaned in his unconsciousness. Hypothermia caused him to hallucinate. Specifically, he start dreaming… of that dream again. With the gazebo, and the vanishing Athrun… the hands… this time with extra cold sensation… but then, something felt different. Suddenly, a particular pair of hands grabbed him, hugged him… and it felt warm. Very warm… it was burning in fact. But Kira doesn't mind… the heat is so… comfortable… and… soft… and sweaty?

And then, Kira began to stir as his eyes slowly opened. The first thing he saw is pink. The pink color of flushing human skin. "Hm?" Kira tried to say something, but his mouth nibbled something.

"Ah…"

A girlish moan reached his ears, greatly alarming Kira. The brunette also felt something tucked on the back of his head, ruffling his brown hair slightly. Kira tried to move, but then he realized he couldn't. It felt like he was bound, strapped and tied by something elastic and tight unto something… or someone. Kira slightly moved his head a bit to understand what, adjusting his eye position to get a better idea on what's going on…

"AAH!"

The erotic moan was louder this time.

"Wha…" And then, as Kira's eyes finally get a good grasp on what's going on, he gaped. Currently, his stark naked body is literally glued onto Lacus' hot, sweaty naked body, her arms hugging his head, pressing it tight to her chest… specifically burying his head in her cleavages. Problem is, with Kira moving around, his lips were smacked unto Lacus' nipples, and every time he try to talk or mumble something, his lips nibbled Lacus' nipple, resulting in the moans. But the worst part: somehow, Lacus had put Kira together inside her skin tight but incredibly elastic insulation suit. That thing was never really designed for two people, but it worked anyway. Then again… it practically strapped and glued him to her, skin on skin.

Kira was so shocked he didn't even remember to scream.

"Ah… You're awake… ah…" A blushing and sweaty Lacus looked down with narrowed eyes.

Kira tried to mumble a response, but his attempt to move his lips caused him to inadvertently nibbled Lacus' sensitive spot, earning another erotic "Kyaah!" and Lacus face reddened even more and now she's breathing heavily. "Please… (pant) don't… (gasp) do that…" She moaned slowly… and she looked incredibly, incredibly sexy when she said that. Kira tried his best… his very best with all his heart and soul to keep his manly urges in check. He's still a guy you know.

"In case… you're wondering… we've crash landed on the Merchant Ship… right inside chilling room." She panted.

'the Chilling room… no wonder it felt so cold…'

"The place is completely empty. It looks like all the food has been taken out. The impact knocked us both out cold, and you nearly died of hypothermia, I, on the other hand, are protected by my suit."

'Suit…' More and more, Kira began to understand the current situation a little bit more. 'Okay… I get the gist of it now… the credits go to Toudou and his crew who can make such a useful suit using what little we have.'

"The doors' busted, I can't get out. And all holes are sealed by the rubble, even the one we came in on. So… in order to warm you up… I… had to use my body heat… but it's not like I can hug you naked in a freezer… you understand right?" Kira peeked at Lacus. He really can't do much, with his body strapped and bound like this. All he can do is give a slightest of the approximation of a nod of understanding. Lacus tucked her head down and smiled kindly. "Let's just wait like this until help came, okay?"

"…" Kira wanted to say something, but if he did, he'll just ended causing more indecent discomfort on the girl.

Lacus was more than aware that Kira wanted to reply, but for her sake, he chose silence. And thought there are a part of her who wanted to use this rare chance to verbally poke fun at Kira without him being unable to poke back, Lacus refrain all that in light of the revelation she had received of Kira's aversion to sweets. "Hey, Kira… mind if I… talk a little bit?"

Kira merely answered with a silent stare. Fire away, so he said in silence.

"Well… I guess… what I want to say… I'm sorry."

Kira blinked. Did he just hear that right?

"I mean… I had some time to do some thinking… and I suddenly realized I really knew little… about everything. I childishly acted on that lack of knowledge and now I got us into this mess. So… all in all… I'm sorry. But at the same time… thank you… I guess?"

Kira tilted his head in confusion. 'Thank you?'

"You lived in Zaft some time ago… in the… high class society right? Not offending you or anything… but I'm betting, when the commoners looked up to the so called higher born, we all think it seems nice… Being a noble, being able to do a lot of things commoners can't… stuff like that…" Lacus tilted her head. "But you know… for me… it's kinda stifling. Noblesse oblige that, Code of conduct this, protocol procession and stuff… You don't do these kinds of stuff because unladylike, you don't do things like this because it's uncommon… for me… for Lamia too… honestly, it's annoying."

Kira slightly nodded in understanding.

"But everyone… everyone around you, the people you know, the people of your age… they all act like that, and they all expected you to act like that. If you want to connect with anyone we can't help but to do exactly as everyone else's. Stuck up nail will be hammered down, so they say, right? But then again… my sister and I are quite rebellious. My sister joined the army, and I trained as a Medical Kunoichi. But it was just hollow blow. Because when everything is said and done, it's back to the usual routine and all the high expectations they piled up on you."

"But you know…" Lacus chuckled sheepishly. "This is really is the first time I ever had a fight like this with someone else. This is the first I time I hate someone's guts so much… I just decided to go all out, no code of conduct, no protocol, no mannerism whatsoever… just a good all fashioned, all out brawl. In a manner of speaking. And… it was… it was…" Lacus trembled.

Kira tilted slightly, waiting for an answer. What he get was an even tighter hug that press and smother his face even deeper to Lacus' breasts. At that point, Lacus' face was lobster red. And she wouldn't let Kira see it. And she also wouldn't want Kira to hear her next statement either.

In truth, Kira really did more… so much more than earning her unending hatred. Lacus had always prided herself of always be in complete control of herself, her emotion, her attitude. But… when it comes to Kira, everything just… fell into chaos. For the first time in her life, she was completely out of control, completely out of restraints. No rules, no ladylike behavior… and she liked it. 'All I'm saying… my life has become more fun and worthwhile… with you in it.' She didn't say it out loud. Only thoughts. Thoughts she expressed in form of giving a warm comfortable embrace to her… beloved… nemesis lying in her arms.

Kira's eyes softened with kindness. Kira nodded gently, a small smile can be seen at the corner of his lips. Lacus couldn't see the whole smile, but somehow, even if it's just a small peek, she considered it the most beautiful smile she had ever seen. She cuddled him tighter, all shame and dignity seem to be forgotten. Kira too forgot about embarrassment. He focused only in the kind warmness that Lacus emanates. It felt way better than all the dips in the hot bath in the world.

And then, at the top of this bliss, they heard voices from beyond the doors. "Here! They crashed here!"

"It's a freezing room! They've been locked in here for hours! We have to get them out!"

Kira and Lacus' eyes widened. Oh no. If they come in and saw the two like this… Kira's body was clearly outlined in the tight suit. Any idiot would figure this out and get the absolutely wrong picture. Kira began to squirm in panic. But that only agitated Lacus even more, tickling her sensitive spots. "No, Kira-san! Don't move so much! I… AHANH!" Lacus couldn't help to moan rather loudly.

The voices from the outside stopped.

"…did you… hear that?"

"Yeah… that's… a woman's moan… right?"

Kira and Lacus' heart skipped a beat.

"You think they…"

"Only one way to find out! Someone bring the sledgehammer! I think this door stuck!"

The couple suddenly realized time is running short. 'We gotta get out of here…'

Lacus was more than aware of the need to get out of this makeshift bondage. Twisting… Kira's head squirmed in the cleavages of Lacus' breasts… turning… Lacus twisted her waist, smothering Kira's head with her breasts… squirming… the two slipped on each other's sweat… moaning… Kira raised his thigh and accidentally rubbed Lacus by the groin (KYAH!) rummaging… Even though they're in the freezer, it's quite damp inside the skin tight insulation suit… touching all sorts of wrong places… Lacus needed to find the zipper, she reached her hand down, and then she grabbed and crunched something she shouldn't have, down attached to Kira's groin. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHH!" Kira HAD to scream.

The commotion from the outside also stopped for a moment.

"Now what was that!?"

"I'm not sure I like the sound of that…"

"Would somebody hurry up and bring the damn sledgehammer here!?"

That's the cue for Kira and Lacus to hurry the hell up. "Kira, Kira, get the zipper! And hurry up! It's on your side!"

"I'mf tryfingmh, I'm trfyinmh!" Kira muffled and groaned.

"And stop talking so much, you're… kyah!" Lacus' blushed ferociously as Kira's movements inadvertently do all sorts of things that's best left unsaid. "And stop moving!"

"Oufh. Lafy… Yuf goff tfo bfe kiffingh!" Kira struggle the best he can with his head buried on Lacus' chests.

And then, the sledgehammer finally came in. And they began banging the door.

At that time Kira found the zipper and quickly pulled. The suit sprang open and the naked couple burst out of the suit. "Aaargh! Finally… HIYAH!" The chilling cold freeze quickly assaulted their senses. "Whoa! It's cold alright…" Kira can finally talk.

"We gotta do something, they're coming in!" Lacus pointed at the door, already halfway off its hinges.

Thinking quickly, Kira yelled. "Mask on! Now!"

Lacus grabbed a spare mask and throw it to Kira. Kira put on his mask and Lacus put on her helmet, just as the door was finally hammered down… problem is, they don't have much time to put anything else.

When the soldiers came in, all they saw is Kage, and Hikari… wearing their masks'… and nothing else.

The unbelievable scenery was dumbfounding enough to send the soldiers' jaws dropping to the floor, the hammerer dropped their hammer to their feet, yet they were so shocked they ignored the pain.

"C…Cap…tain?"

"Hi…kari…sensei?"

Naturally, they get all sorts of wrong ideas.

Kage glared. "What?"

"N… No… I… we…"

"Get out. NOW!" Kage ordered. And the soldiers turned tail and run.

Kage shook his head as soon as the last soldier left his sights. He looked at Hikari, covering her modesty with only her hands. He took his half frozen clothes, and put it back again. Lacus was still a bit startled at her embarrassing experience. Upon seeing Lacus hasn't worn anything back, Kira warned her. "You better hurry up and put your clothes back on. They'll be back after they check if they're not hallucinating."

"Right… (koff) Right… (koff)" Lacus nodded dumbly. She slowly, timidly put her clothes back on. When the zipper's up, she noticed the suit had become a little loose. And then she remembered what had transpired in every detail, and she mourned. "Sob… (koff) Sob… (koff) I can never be a bride anymore… (koff)"

"Look, you're the one who got the bright idea of putting me inside that suit together with you. Stark naked no less."

Lacus' face reddened in anger, glaring with teary bloodshot eyes at the ungrateful son of a…

"But still… you saved my life… again…" Kira chuckled. "…how many times does this make?"

This time, it's Lacus' turn to be dumbstruck. The thunderstruck expression swiftly turning into an uneasy smile. "B… Baka! (koff) With everything that has happened, (koff) you have to repay me for the rest of your life! (koff)" Lacus said without thinking. As soon as she realized what she just said, she clasped her mouth in shock.

"Huh?" What did she just say?

Lacus was completely embarrassed out of her skull. In panic, she rushed towards the door to put as much distance as possible from this guy that kept messing her up. Anymore of this and Lacus wasn't sure she'll like what outrageous things that will come out of her mouth next. She reached to the open door when a cracking sound can be heard. Kira noted the sound and quickly grabbed Lacus, pulling her back, just as the door collapsed under the erupting rubble from above, exactly where she stood, just moments ago. It seems the combination between the violent crash landing and the sledgehammer from before was a bit too much, causing another cave in.

Lacus looked at the ruin in front of her, the doorway is completely sealed shut, and they're back to square one.

"I guess we're even for now?"

Lacus blinked and looked up. She saw Kira looked back with a bewildered face. "Yeah (koff) I guess we are… (koff)" She looked at the collapsed door. It's sealed shut, and no way out. And they can't smash it open… they might brought the whole roof on top of them.

With nothing to do but wait for help, the two finally sat on the cold freezing floor. Kira's civilian yukata was obviously not designed for extreme temperature. His teeth clattered in the cold. Lacus saw this and then instinctively snuggled up on Kira, hugging him. "Hm?" Lacus tucked her helmet head to Kira's shoulder. "I'm not going to hug you naked again… (koff) but I can do this. (koff)" Kira smiled and cautiously did the same, sharing each other's warmth.

But the cold still remain, and it slowly sapping their consciousness. If they fell unconscious, at this temperature, they may never wake up again. They have to distract themselves from the cold. "Ne, Kira-kun."

"Hmh?" Kira perked up.

"Did you get possessed by that… (koff) thing… (koff) often? (koff)" Lacus was referring to that bitchy ghost.

"…oh… them… from time to time… yeah."

"Them… (koff) so there really is more than one? (koff)" Lacus' eyes widened in disbelief.

"Four… in total." Kira pull up four fingers. "I've been possessed only by two of them. The first one… you already met him back in Junius… he's ok. The other one who possessed me today was a… girl. I'd rather not talk about that one. Truth be told, that was the first time I got possessed outside combat situation…"

"Combat situation… so basically… they… these ghosts… they helped you whenever you're in trouble?"

"Not every time. They only do so in certain situation… But that was Jorm… the ghost guy we saw in Junius. I don't know what's the deal with this last one though…"

"If you say she's a girl, then tell her this from me… (KOFF) I HATE HER! (koff) Second after you, offense intended."

"Taken for granted." Kira replied.

The two looked at each other, and then sighed. But as soon as they relaxed, they felt the cold again. They had to strike another conversation. "N-n-ne… Kira-kun…" Lacus began to shiver again.

"W-w-w-what?"

"I just noticed something… (koff) I… haven't seen Torii throughout the fighting (koff)."

"Hmmm… he probably flew off somewhere. Getting a sky eye view of the ship maybe? Anyhow, I'm not worried. He'll come back to me when he feels like it."

"You're not worried someone might… I don't know… hurt him or something? There's a lot of things out there that can still hurt Shikigami you know?"

"I admit I'll be a little bit worried… but not in the way you may think."

"Eh?"

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Gino had all but given up trying to draw anything with Torii locked his ever watchful eyes on his being. But then again… all things considered, he really didn't have to draw anything. "You're too late birdy. The blueprint of this ship is in my head you know!? Screw the hand drawn picture, I could just tell my brothers everything I saw about this monster!" Gino gloated.

Torii nodded and flew off to the great distance. For a moment, Gino thought he had won at last. But then, Torii returned… and he brought something with him. Something thick and heavy. He dropped it on Gino's head, hard.

"Ow. Hey, what's the big idea?"

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"If what he said is true that he became a shikigami 8 years ago, then this happened back when he was still alive. A bunch of kids tried to bully him. Three kids in total. And then a hunter came trying to shoot him… Athrun and I were helpless to do anything, at the time… Anyway, one bully was found hanging by the tree; blowjobing a pack of worms, the other make a one way trip into a public toilet hole, the other one was found in the attic, stark naked… with a big bold writing off: I pee in the pants." Kira explained. "As for the hunter… they found him covered in bird poo and dragged ass down for 3 miles behind a crazed horse."

Lacus gawked at the explanation. "How on earth did he do that?"

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Torii pointed at the book with a feather of his wings.

Gino looked at the title of the book:

Medical Science for Experts: Various Kinds of Cerebral Trauma

A book Torii borrowed from Lily.

"Cerebral… you read this stuff?"

Torii further pointed a certain page, bookmarked by a piece of Torii's feathers.

Gino opened the said page and read: "…of all sorts of head trauma, the most lasting effect is amnesia. This can range from permanent lifetime effect or just temporary. A point of concern, is that it is also possible to induce artificial amnesia by a very strong physical blunt force trauma to…the…head…" Gino trailed off at that last note.

As if on cue, a steel bar sank on his back, just inches away from his head. Gino looked at the steel bar, then he looked up and saw Torii who loosened the rope that binds the steel bar. Taking into account of his Zoan heritage… it won't kill him… but it still going to hurt… like… A LOT… especially when it's aimed to the head.

"Oi… you're… you're kidding right? You… you really going to…" Gino's teeth clattered in pure terror.

"ToriiiIII!" Torii's chirps no longer sound funny.

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"Torii is a naturally talented genius level prankster. We suspected… using human IQ test, he's probably even smarter than me and Athrun combined."

Lacus's mouth hung in awe. That is some pet…

"I'm worried? Yes. Of course I'm worried. Worried about whatever happens to any poor soul who managed to piss him off."

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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!" Gino ran for his dear life and sanity as Torii and his avian fleet dropped one heavy object after another, ranging from Steel Bar, Cannon shell, shackles with steel ball, steel pipe, hammer, even anvils. Target: his head. God knows how Torii tossed them, but they are all flying to his direction with precision that would be the envy of Lockon and Milly.

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"Y-y-y-you know… r-r-r-rather than worrying about Torii, I think we should more be worried about our own situation."

Lacus was also freezing even in her suit. The cold was such… and so long of a time since to had passed by ever since they're sealed in here… she began to fear the worst. 'Am I… going to die like this?' To freeze to death in a freezing room, that sounds like the dumbest way to die… but… on the other hand… Lacus turned to Kira… shivering even as they hold on to each other, sharing what little remained of their warmth. '…if I'm going to die like this… it may not be so bad…'

And just as their consciousness began to fade…

BANG!

Their eyes widened.

BANG! BANG!

From the other side of the rubble, someone is trying to force a way in.

And then, with a thunderous crash, a spearhead bearing the face of an iron maiden burst out of the rubble. The spear belonging to one Murrue Ramias, coming for the rescue. "You two alright?"

"M-M-Murrue-san…" Kira could've kissed the older woman if he's not halfway becoming a human popsicle.

"Bless… (Koff…) you… (koff…) ma'am." Hikari smiled.

"When I saw a bunch of scared shitless soldiers muttering something about the captain and the doctor going at it in the freezing room, I knew something was off." Seeing the ruins around them, Murrue quickly understood the problem. "Come on. Let's get out of there. Next stop: warm bath and some hot drinks."

Kira only nodded, whereas Hikari also got up, muttering: "Come on girls. (koff) Time to go. (koff)"

"Girls!?" Kira blinked.

Trailing behind Hikari, the complete set of her Haros, minus Ms. Pink, flying about, hopping, chirping…

And then something clicked in Kira's mind. "Wait a sec… Hikari-sensei… you have your whole army of Haros at your back the WHOLE time!?"

"Yes?" Hikari blinked.

"…So why didn't you use one of them… specifically the red one, which I know for a fact is a gigantic greater daemon of fire… to make a bonfire or something… or better yet, blew off the door earlier or something?"

Hikari looked like someone who just got a truckload of bricks of realization hammered to her head. That's right… why didn't she think of it earlier… what's the point of all that time… naked, freezing, unwilling exhibition of her body, sweat smothering, embarrassment overload, the innumerable number of brutal assaults on her sensitive sexual spots…

Murrue suddenly can feel the temperature of the freezing room began to rise sharply again…

The cause: Hikari's temper which had reached volcano eruption point.

Kira suddenly went face to face up close with a flaming red Haro that is Megi, knocking him down, pitched by the furiously embarrassed out of her skull Hikari. Lacus' face was red all the way to the ears remembering all the humiliation she endured. "Why… Why… WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT FROM THE START!?"

"HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA!? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU BROUGHT YOUR WHOLE ARMY OF LITTLE TERRORS!" Kira threw Megi back at record speed, hitting Lacus by the head.

"YOU COULD'VE ASKED! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EMBARASSING IT WAS FOR ME!?" Lacus throw another haro.

"EXCUSE ME!? I WAS UNCONSCIOUS! BESIDES, WHOSE FAULT WAS IT THAT WE'RE STUCK IN A FREEZER!?" Kira catch it and throw it back.

"YOUR FAULT! YOU HAD TO GET POSSESSED AND ALL, AND I HAD TO HELP YOU! WHY DO I HAVE TO HELP YOU!?"

"HELL IF I KNOW! AND WHOEVER SAID I NEEDED HELP!? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF STRIPPING NAKED TO WARM ME UP, YOU DUMB EXHIBITIONIST!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME, YOU CEREBRAL TRAUMATIZED (AKA: BRAIN DAMAGED) DEFICIENT (AKA: IDIOT)!?"

"ONE MORE WORD FROM YOU, YOU OVERGLORIFIED FAT STRAWBERRY HAIRED PAIN IN THE ASSHOLE, AND I'LL…" Kira cracked his knuckles just as a block of ice smashed his head.

"YOU LIKE PAIN!? TRY THAT FOR A CHANGE, YOU GIRL FACED MASOCHIST!" Hearing the taboo F-word, Lacus exploded.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME, LARD BRAIN!?" And as always, the G-word is still a big taboo for Kira.

Murrue quickly ran away from the room as soon as knuckle sandwich and kicking croissant with extra ice cube throw combo on the side began to fly in the now infernally hot freezing room due to it burning with anger from its two occupants.

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Endgame:

Dinner time…

By some miracle (or a divine intervention from a very exhausted writer), Kira and Hikari finally signed their Murrue mediated Peace Treaty. But one can say there's still some bad blood between the two, to put it kindly. It can't be helped, with the large number of war crimes the two had inflicted on one another. But both are too tired and worn out to massacre one another, and so a peace, if only an uneasy peace, reigned.

To commemorate the peace, the Angel's Bath is now officially opened, not just for soldiers, but also to the civilians. But seeing most of the soldiers are hospitalized, only civilians are there to enjoy the bath. To add to the fun, Kira and Hikari were ordered to cook up the snacks for the crew. This time, they cook what they like, so no spectacularly bizarre cooking for the night. Yet another idea came from the wise and rational mind of Murrue Ramias.

"Right. Right, I get it already. These two fought like cats and dogs with one another, all due to the issue of differing taste, right? Fine. Let's settle it with food."

"We tried that before and instead it started off an all out war, remember?" Milly moaned.

"That's because you let that prankster Mwu run the show." Murrue glared at Kira and Lacus, both were bruised here and there (Lacus' bruises weren't visible due to her armor), and they're still looked a bit pissed off… in some way. Murrue approached them and tapped their heads. "Listen up you two!"

Kira and Lacus looked at Murrue' stern motherly gaze. "Tonight we'll have a public opening of the Angel's bath… however, thanks to you two, there won't be any soldiers here. All of them had to spend some time in the medical ward. There will be only civilians. So no fighting! And I want you to be in your best behavior! At the same time, we'll be having our dinner there too. So I want you two to cook for them. Cook whatever you think is your finest dish. Make it a competition. Let the people be the judge. Winner is the one who get the most plate. Loser apologizes for whatever reason this whole thing started… And let that be the END! Are we clear?"

Kira and Lacus glared one another and answered simultaneously: "Crystal clear."

In the red corner…

Hikari made something quite unexpected: Noodles! Or to be more precise, its western Italian equivalent, Pasta. "This is called make your own pasta. (koff)" Lacus showed the onlookers on how to do it. "You took the pasta that strikes your fancy…" Lacus demonstrate this by taking a handful of noodle, "And then you choose your sauce and pour it on top, like this!" She picked the Bolognese red meat sauce and pour it on top of the noodle. "And then you eat it like this." Lacus grabbed a fork and then start winding the spaghetti to form a ball of noodle.

Needless to say, for most of civilians who came from Japan, this was an instant eye catcher. What's with the unique way of eating. Pretty soon, Lacus' stand was filled with laughter and moans. Moans from those who failed to wind the pasta, laughter from those who finally managed to do so. And they taste fine. Lacus improvised using Japanese spices such as Daikon, shoyu, and even tea leaves to suit the taste of the japanese.

In the blue corner…

In response, Kira made… a seafood fu yung hai. But of more interest to the people, is the differing color and contents. There are four colors in total: red (carrot), green (Spinach), black (black sesame), and white (daikon). The Fuyunghai was a small splendid bite sized that people can swallow with a gulp. Interestingly, each Fu Yung Hai has differing seafood content. Crab, Cod, Sea Bass, octopus tentacle, eel, and prawn, to name a few.

The civilians were having fun of eating this jack in the box dish. This mostly because they have no idea as to what's inside. Kira put the contents and color completely at the random. A green Fu Yung Hai may have an eel inside while another green fu yung hai may have a prawn in another. This makes for truly varied possibilities of taste.

Plates piled up on both sides at a furious rate. With both kinds of dish are both appetizing and delicious, it's unclear as to who will win, with the height of the plates on both sides are roughly even.

The enmity between the two counters is sharpening…

But then something happened. Something quite… unexpected.

"Elle-chan what are you doing?" Ana looked at her daughter's peculiar way of eating.

"It's like this…" Elle put a layer of fuyunghai, and then, she put the spaghetti, covered in sauce, and then she put another layer of egg right on top, before putting the sauce right on top. "Like this, it looked like Okonomiyaki right?"

Kira and Lacus twitched. 'WHAT WAS THAT!?'

"Oh my, you're right. It does look like an Okonomiyaki like this."

"Ah, that's true."

"Ara, this is a surprise (koff)"

Elle and Ana jittered when Kira and Hikari stood right behind them, looking intently at the combined dish. Elle innocently looked at the two cooks. And then, she timidly showed her handiwork. The two inched closer, seeing that dish. And then, using a fork, Hikari bisected the makeshift Okonomiyaki in two, and then Kira grabbed one half with a chopstick, and Hikari grabbed the other half with said fork.

"Chomp." They ate it… and…

Kira looked at Hikari…

Hikari looked at Kira…

Kira went to Hikari's counter…

Hikari went to Kira's counter…

They tasted each other's dish… and then found what's missing. Kira's Fu Yung Hai is mild and spicy, but it doesn't have that bite. Lacus' spaghetti is also mild and the sweetness of the vegetable was good, but it was blurred by the strong taste of meat. Without saying anything, they start working at furious pace. Kira took all of Lacus' noodles and then recooked it, turning it into Yakisoba. Hikari grabbed the batter and start mixing the eggs, creating what looked like wide egg pizza… But then… Kira put patches of fried noodles, topped it with plenty of fillings such as seafood and vegetables, and then Hikari simply smacked the omelet right on top of the noodle, and covered it with tons of thick sauce and finely sliced onion, and pressed it on top of another egg.

"Egg Okonomiyaki, finished!"

And the first plate naturally goes to the girl who inspired it all. Elle ate it… and her response: "WOW! It tastes good! It tastes really, REALLY good!"

"Really, Elle-chan?"

"Hm!" Elle nodded. "Mama! Try it too!"

Ana try it, and her opinion didn't differ much from her daughter. "Mmm! Elle's right. The taste explodes in my mouth, supporting each other… the spice makes the vegetable sweets explode, the sweet enhance the spiciness in the tongue… this is really good!"

Pretty soon, the other bystanders also wanted to try this new dish. Suddenly demand increased, and the previous individual dishes were forgotten. Kira and Hikari looked at all this, and they momentarily, looked at their respective stand. And when their sights landed on each other, something just… clicked. What have they been doing all this time?

Kira chuckled. "We've been really stupid… haven't we?"

Hikari also laughed. "Totally, totally."

"Let's go. The customers are waiting."

"Right."

With the two cooks finally made their peace, the rest of the dinner went with full joy and happiness.

The victims of the Prankcraft war looked on with relief.

"There, see? No tricks, no muss, no fuss." Murrue smiled. "Just good old fashioned sincerity and innocence and that's all it took." She remarked, in particular, to the half dead Mwu carried by a stretcher, the mummified Sai and Tolle, as well as all the victims of the war.

"That's why I told you it's best to leave those two alone. I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so." Milly crossed her arms with a huff.

"We get it… we get it…" Everyone mumbled in sheer pain and agony.

"With this, the war is officially over. Right?" Senba sighed in relief.

"Yes. It's definitely over." Murrue smiled.

Peace reigned at last…

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NOT.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHH! YOU'RE SO GONNA GET IT YOU OBESE CANDY OBSESSED PINK HAIRED BITCH!" Kira screamed murder in his office.

"HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, (KOFF) YOU CHILI TONGUED GIRL FACED BAG OF HATE! (KOFF)" Lacus retorted with equal ferocity.

Once again the cries of war erupted the next morning from the rebuilt Bridge tower of Archangel, coupled with stuff flying around out of the window…

"That's it. I give up. Those two are truly arch enemies made in Hell." Murrue slapped her head in despair.

"Is this gonna be a new routine?" Milly shook her head.

Everyone sweat dropped.

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Common Sense Restoration: Seriousness restored

Epilogue:

Gino had finally given up. That's it. He's done. There's no way he can escape from this green terror. He's going to smack him in the head with a bar of iron and, God, may he die quickly. Limping like a corpse, Gino dragged his battered body to the edge, out in the open, knowing that Torii is out there, waiting for his prey to fell into despair and then he will deliver the final blow with his heavy payload.

Gino stood there. "You want me…?" The zoan chuckled bitterly. "Here I am… so long cruel world…"

Torii saw and he quickly dived down, launching a steel bar right on his face. One artificially amnesia afflicted Zaft knight coming up.

And then suddenly, the steel bar was cut into ribbons by an iron prosthetic claw.

The claw belonged to one Karren of the Swordbreaker. The red head glared accusingly at Torii, flying high above. "You're just as sadistic as Kira's brother, aren't you? What's the point on beating the shit out of a guy who had lost the will to fight?"

Torii heard it and stayed his attacks for now.

Life returned to Gino when he saw the features of his female rescuer. And when she turned around, his heart skipped a beat upon seeing the clawed prosthetic arm… and her face.

Karren looked at the masked man. He was reportedly Hikari's bodyguard. A new guest she had yet the chance to meet. But now that she saw him up close, she realized she recognized him.

"A finger. That's all I found of her. A finger." The conversation he had with Shadow in Junius suddenly repeated at magnified volume in his ears. Gino felt like his world just grinded to a full halt as his battered Taka mask fell off his shocked face.

"…Karren!?"

"…Gino!?"

"W…What are you doing here!?"

The reunited couple echoed…

Torii flapped his wings several times, looked at the situation intently from the sky.

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So yeah, this is also a Gino Karren coupling story. They make interesting couple in Code Geass, if only Karren wasn't hooked by Lelouch first… heh.

And finally…

Having finished restoring the law and order of his universe, Ajwriter trudged the ruins of his space, the mess left behind when Ajslayer when into overdrive, looking if there's something else he left behind. Turns out, there is.

What's this? Common Sense: Just Reward? Hmmm… I don't remember what this one does… well, seeing it's a common sense I might just as well restore it.

Final Common Sense Restoration: Just Reward

In the afternoon…

Lacus's frown seem to be permanently plastered on her mask covered face as Lily put two cold compresses on her swelling cheeks. She got bad tooth… or more like… bad teeth, from eating too many sweets during the Prankcraft War, on both sides of her cheek.

Kira on the other hand, spent entire day in hospital for the worst ulcer the medics had ever seen, the result of eating nothing but gut busting spices during the PrankCraft War.

The two also spent some time in isolation due to a very serious flu, result of spending half a day inside a freezer.

All the casualties of the Kira and Lacus' reign of Salt Rock spend their whole day screaming and moaning in agonizing pain that lasted the whole day…