Reminder:
"This is spoken English."
"This is spoken Czech."
This is a thought.

Previously: Getting ready for the memorial service (chapter 52; chapter 57-59), Anna had to come back to real life. She doesn't know what to say. And neither does Radek.


Chapter 60. Miss That.

Anna didn't have anything black. She stood in front of the full length mirror in her room, looking at her darkest blue shirt and her Atlantis slacks. Radek told her that summer lasted all year on Atlantis. Anna didn't think of funerals… why should she think of funerals?

Mom's picture smiled from the frame Radek had given her. Anna rested her elbows on the nightstand to look at it. This was far too many funerals for a single year, and all starting with Mom's. Anna picked up the envelope with the letter to Mr. and Mrs. Collins inside. She carefully wrote their names on the front, and then "upřímnou soustrast" on the back.

Too late, she realized she should have written just plain English "sympathies," but there was no graceful way to turn a U into an S.

The main room seemed quieter than usual, even though Radek was there reading. He looked more formal than she'd ever seen him, outside of photographs. Mom used to say he managed to find a suit for their wedding day, but that was the first and last time she ever saw it. He wasn't wearing a suit, but his dark gray jacket and slacks made him look more alien than Atlantis itself. His shirt wasn't dark enough to be legitimate funeral fare, though his pinstriped white shirt was obviously one of only a few non-Atlantis-issue shirts he had.

"Ready?" He took a small step toward her, looking her over carefully. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Let's go." Anna didn't know if she'd said something or looked some way that gave him the impression she wasn't alright. Because she wasn't, but she was trying very hard to hide that. He guided her out the door and walked beside her to the transporter.

"You didn't want to take… um, to take him back to Earth, did you?" Anna glanced at him.

He shrugged uncomfortably, but maybe it was the jacket. "It would take me three weeks to get back. I can't go."

Anna knew that, but she wanted to ask anyway. She knew that Radek considered Rodney a friend, but he was much closer with Collins. At least, it seemed that way. He was giving the eulogy, and that was a pretty important thing, usually reserved for someone close to the deceased. Or someone who could keep their composure. If Radek wasn't the former, Anna got the feeling he was certainly the latter.

"You can go if you want," she offered.

He arched an eyebrow. "I would miss your birthday. Among other things."

Anna felt a little guilty that she assumed he'd forgotten. But he hadn't. He remembered at least a week early.

"Thank you, but I will stay." He stepped into the transporter next to her. As soon as the transporter door opened and Anna didn't step out immediately, he looked at her. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes." She tried to smile lightheartedly. "I'm alright, really. Let's go."

On the one hand, she wanted to get this over with. She didn't want to cry, but now was as good a time as any. Other people would probably be crying, too. The 'gate room was filled with people, mostly scientists, but Elizabeth was there, too. A coffin that looked a little too much like a shipping container sat in front of the Stargate, arrayed with wreaths of alien flowers.

Elizabeth approached on one side, reaching out to give Radek a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. Anna wondered if that was odd until Radek offered a half-hearted smile.

"The last time I gave a eulogy was for my mother."

"I'm sure you'll do fine," Elizabeth said. "Are you ready to get started? We're scheduled to dial in a couple of minutes."

Radek nodded, suddenly looking not too ready at all. It was too late to do anything about it. Elizabeth went to the front of the room and called for everyone's attention. Anna watched Radek, watching Elizabeth. He was so nervous he couldn't hide it. He stuffed his hands into his pockets, probably to hide their quivering.

Anna carefully, quickly, patted his shoulder. "Hodně štěstí," * she whispered.

He gave a pained smile, and walked up to the center of the room, in front of the coffin. He looked at it for a few seconds before turning out to the crowd and clearing his throat. He seemed to lose everything he thought to say, until he reached into his inside jacket pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

He read a few lines and looked up. "Co můžu říct?" **

#

He didn't know about his beginning, but it seemed sort of symbolic. He didn't know anything about symbolism, but he didn't know how else to appropriately convey this feeling of confusion. He looked at the casket and thought it all had to be some misunderstanding.

Maybe, if he started in Czech, they'd know how he felt. Like they didn't understand why they were here. Get the impression they shouldn't be. Catch the feeling he couldn't shake: that Collins died for nothing. Nothing. And he shouldn't have.

"What can I say?" He repeated it in English, in the same tone.

He glanced at Anna, hoping he'd come up with enough words to hide the fact that he was largely inspired by her letter. He just understood it so well.

He realized it was a mistake to be standing here. His English wasn't good enough for this important task. "We came to Atlantis to do great things. We've made friends and enemies, discovered aliens, and visited other planets. We've brought this ten-thousand-year-old Ancient city back to life. I wish I had something to say about this, but I have nothing."

He folded up his sheet. He didn't realize how sharply he'd veered into such depressing territory. It was a mistake. He realized that about halfway through his writing, his attitude changed. At some point, he stopped talking about Collins. He put the page back in his jacket pocket.

"May I be honest?" he asked.

His colleagues looked to one another, confused. This wasn't exactly typical eulogy material, but… well, they were in another galaxy.

Finally, they nodded agreement.

"I don't know how to react when I lose someone I… care about." He didn't know why he hesitated there, but kept going anyway. "Most of you know how last year was interesting for me, so I won't give details. I learned many things last year and I am still. I learned that there's nothing to say."

He glanced at Anna, but tried not to look too long. He wasn't trying to talk to her, after all… but at least he was assured that she understood what he meant. And he hoped she was listening.

"There aren't words for this. I kept asking myself what to say today about Collins without…" Without remembering that he would never drink Czech beer. He would never see Prague.

"Without thinking of everything we missed and everything we will miss now that he's gone." Radek scanned the crowd, just in case Rodney skipped out on his mission to attend. Rodney wouldn't do that, and he hadn't. "I can say this because he's offworld: you all know Doctor McKay is generous in his abuses."

A wave of nods and smiles went through the room.

"Even a good scientist like Collins was not immune. To ease our offence, Collins and I made a deal. Whenever Rodney publicly condescended either of us, the other would buy him a drink. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad to report that Collins and I celebrated innumerable insults this way. And, yes, Kavanagh, this is why we were hungover the day after the alternating reactor test."

Everyone chuckled.

"I will miss that…" Radek didn't know whether that was the response he wanted. Collins simply wasn't appreciated while he was alive. Was there a reason to think things would be any different now that he was gone?

"We will all miss Collins," he said, even though he doubted that. Atlantis survived by moving on quickly. "We'll keep living, and we'll keep doing the great things we came to do. I know he'd want us to do that. But maybe they'll just be a little less great."

Radek didn't know how to finish, so he just turned to the casket. He was used to talking the inanimate. But this was somehow different. He put one hand on the coffin and waited for something to come to him. What would he say if Collins were alive? If he were just going back to Earth?

Radek sighed. Anna was right. There was nothing to say. "Děkuju za pivo."


Czech Things

* Hodně štěstí = Good luck

** Co můžu říct? = What can I say?

*** Děkuju za pivo. = Thank you for the beer.


Next time: I could swear I've seen you before.