Reminder:
"This is spoken English."
"This is spoken Czech."
This is a thought.

Previously: Maybe Anna's birthday wasn't so much of a disaster (chapters 62-64). Radek's ex would definitely think this birthday-in-another-galaxy thing was totally irresponsible, though…


Chapter 65. Egocentrism.

"This is it, I suppose." Doctor Heightmeyer sounded a little disappointed.

Anna didn't quite know why. After all, Anna was probably one of her least helpful patients. Patients? Was that right? Whatever it was that psychologists like Heightmeyer called the people they counseled.

"I guess so." Anna slid a bit closer to the edge of the couch. Almost like she couldn't wait to get out of there. It was true. But it was rude. "I think I should thank you for… you know, putting up with me."

Doctor Heightmeyer smiled, tilting her head so her blond hair fell onto her shoulder. "Putting up with you?"

"I wasn't very agreeable to seeing you," Anna said. And she still wasn't. It was a waste of time to her. Unfortunately, that made it a waste of time to Doctor Heightmeyer. "Radek was just worried, I guess."

"Probably," Doctor Heightmeyer agreed with a nod. "That's good, though. And now you know for sure where my office is if you ever need me."

Anna couldn't imagine herself coming here. Although… Doctor Heightmeyer was alright. Not like Anna had originally pictured her. She listened to anything Anna had to say, whether it was about her mother, about Radek, about Collins, about Doctor McKay… These days it was usually about Collins, which struck her as strange. Doctor Heightmeyer never made her feel like it was strange, though.

"Thank you," Anna said finally, quietly, probably for lack of anything else to say.

"How was your birthday?" Doctor Heightmeyer asked, almost suddenly, like she figured she'd better get in this last conversation really quick before time was up. Even though they would most certainly still see each other.

Anna smiled, almost involuntarily. "It was very good."

"I heard you got the gene therapy?" Doctor Heightmeyer grinned, like she'd just said one of the most ridiculous things she could have thought possible. Maybe it was a little ridiculous.

Nodding, Anna rubbed at the spot on her arm where the horse-needle stuck into her vein. It was sore, but Doctor Beckett said that was to be expected. "Yeah. Colonel Sheppard was going to give me Puddle Jumper flying lessons, but… um, he's a bug right now. Or something."

Doctor Heightmeyer took on a grave look. "Yes, that's… that's what they tell me."

"Do you know if he's okay?" Anna asked.

She just shook her head.

Anna didn't know if anyone knew. If anyone knew if he would be okay. It was depressing to think about, and not just because she'd have to get Puddle Jumper flying lessons from somebody else.

"Well," Doctor Heightmeyer said suddenly. "Happy birthday."

Anna smiled. "Thank you."

"That's sixteen, isn't it?"

When Anna nodded, Doctor Heightmeyer seemed very pleased, like maybe making it to sixteen was some big accomplishment. Like maybe some people on Atlantis had not been blessed with the privilege of being sixteen.

Maybe that wasn't completely untrue. It seemed like a lot of the people here had just skipped all the fun and went right on working.

"Feel any different?" Doctor Heightmeyer asked.

That was a strange question. "No. Should I?"

"No." Doctor Heightmeyer sighed like that was a grave disappointment to her. "I remember when I turned sixteen, I expected that day to be something amazing."

"It wasn't?" Anna asked apologetically.

Doctor Heightmeyer shrugged. "It wasn't bad. It just wasn't amazing, either."

Anna smiled a little at the thought of her birthday. She felt like she would remember it forever. Like it was going to be the highlight of the rest of her life. Well, she really hoped not, because at the end of the day it was really boring. But it was still a wonderful day. Maybe even amazing.

"Radek… remembered my birthday…" Anna said slowly, suddenly recognizing the importance of it.

Doctor Heightmeyer narrowed an eye on her in confusion. "Yes. He must have. I don't suppose it can be arranged for you to get gene therapy overnight and—"

"He knew ahead of time." Anna slowly pushed herself up off the couch. Time wasn't up, though, so she sat back down just as fast. "He must have known a long time ahead of time. You don't just get cupcakes with purple frosting around here, do you?"

Even more confusion crossed Doctor Heightmeyer's eyes. She shook her head.

"Not easily, anyway."

"No, I guess not," Doctor Heightmeyer agreed.

Anna nodded and sighed. "I know it's our last session, but is it okay if we cut it short? I just remembered something I really have to do."

#

Anna slid into Elizabeth's office. Her heart pounded, but she had no idea why. She only wanted to ask a question that probably every single person on Atlantis could ask. Not because they wanted to know the answer, of course. They would ask because they didn't know the answer.

Did that make her a horrible person?

"Elizabeth?"

"Yes? Good morning. How are you?" Elizabeth kept her eyes on her book for a moment, probably finishing the sentence she was reading. Then she looked up.

Anna was caught off guard, so she just nodded. "Um. Yes. I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm fine," Elizabeth said.

Elizabeth wasn't fine. Anna hated to give the impression that she didn't really care how Elizabeth was at this moment. She might have ordinarily… but she could worry about that later.

Now that the pleasantries were out of the way, Anna took a few steps toward Elizabeth's desk. "I have a question…" Anna watched Elizabeth put her book to one side of the desk, like she always did. It didn't matter how simple Anna's question was. She always acted like it took all her concentration to answer. "You have access to all of Atlantis's personnel files, right?"

Elizabeth looked skeptical. "Yes, I do. Why?"

Anna took a deep breath and tried to laugh. "Well… this is sort of… trapný?"

"Embarrassing?" Elizabeth guessed. "What is it?"

Anna hesitated while Elizabeth waited. She wished she wouldn't wait so patiently, but Anna was the one who had walked in here. "I don't know Radek's birthday."

Her confession was met with a concerned frown, followed by a nod. "You know, I don't either." Elizabeth pulled up her tablet computer and started searching.

Anna supposed Radek forgave his colleagues their lack of personal knowledge. He might have preferred it. He probably didn't know their birthdays, either. If they didn't know his, he didn't have to know theirs. It was better for everyone.

But Anna should have some idea, right? She wasn't a colleague. She was his daughter. "Well, I'm mostly sure it's in February… or March…" Her voice trailed away. She had some idea. But it was hardly worth mentioning. It was certainly in the first half of the year, and close to hers. That narrowed the options.

"You're right. February 7th. That's soon…"

At least she was close. "That's only a month away."

He went out of the way for her birthday—got her the only thing in this galaxy she wanted. A thing she wasn't even sure she could have. Now she would be flying Puddle Jumpers with Colonel Sheppard every now and again and talking to holograms in her spare time. For all the times she felt angry and forgotten that he'd not sent a card or anything on her birthday, she never even knew his.

She put her head in her hands. "I'm a terrible person, aren't I?"

"No, not a terrible person," Elizabeth said. "I didn't know his birthday either."

"It's not the same," Anna mumbled.

Elizabeth didn't look entirely convinced, but nodded anyway. "Well, there are a few days between here and there. I'm sure you can find him something." She looked a little more contemplative than the situation called for. "What does he like?"

Anna shrugged. "I have no idea. He likes Ancient tech. He likes work. He likes Puddle Jumpers. And chess. He likes winning at chess, actually, but he can do that whenever he wants."

Elizabeth smiled. "Maybe we can put our brains together and figure out something nice."

She'd better, especially after last night. She wasn't sure what his reaction was to the letter and she'd been standing right there with him when he opened it. She hadn't seen him this morning, since he was already gone when she got up. It was strange to say the least. Or maybe it was something else.

"Oh, um, how is Colonel Sheppard?" she asked.

Elizabeth looked considerably less cheerful. "Not well. Doctor Beckett is working on it right now." She was obviously not sharing something. Something terrible. Anna knew that look.

The shock was unfamiliar, though. "Is he dying?"

Elizabeth's brow knotted and she shook her head. "No. We're not there yet."

He was dying. How did that happen? He was fine yesterday. That explained why Radek was gone so early. Even if he wasn't working on the Sheppard problem, Doctor McKay probably was. That meant that someone had to do Doctor McKay's job. That was usually Radek.

Anna stood up. "Can I see him?"

"No." Elizabeth's answer was quicker, sharper than Anna expected.

Anna sat back down. "He's really dying…?" she asked, even though she knew she got a negative answer the first time. She didn't even get to thank him… even though he didn't get to give her the Puddle Jumper flying first lesson—yet, she reminded herself—he was willing to.

"No," Elizabeth said. Then she stood and looked around. She looked like she was maybe deciding something. Something she didn't like. "I'll be back."

Anna rose, watching Elizabeth leave the room without another word. Anna didn't know if Elizabeth meant her to stay or not. She went across the 'gate room to Colonel Caldwell's office.

"Never mind," Anna mumbled to the empty room. "I have other things to do." She wandered out into the Control Room. She hadn't noticed when she walked in, but it was silent. Everyone seemed more serious, working harder, more focused.

It was the best way to handle impending disaster around here, apparently.

#

Radek was concerned about Colonel Sheppard, but there was nothing he could do about it. To hear everyone else tell it, no one could do anything about it. Not even Carson. Early this morning, he'd gotten the call from the lab that something was terribly wrong with Colonel Sheppard and Radek would have to do some of the things Rodney was supposed to do today.

Everyone said this was it. This was the time Colonel Sheppard couldn't even get out of the mess he'd gotten himself in.

Radek refused to believe that. It wouldn't be the first time Colonel Sheppard came across something or someone that should have, in all fairness, killed him. And it wouldn't be the last. Colonel Sheppard made a habit of flirting with death, but he played hard to get like no lady Radek ever saw. Not even Elizabeth could stand up to that.

Radek blinked in a vain attempt to clear his mind of that nonsense…

But it wouldn't leave him alone. Life beyond the Stargate was too dangerous for him. If it was too dangerous for Sheppard, there was no way Radek would see Atlantis ever again after stepping through the 'gate that first time. Even if he wasn't shot, stabbed, or had the life sucked out of him, he was just as likely to manage fatal exposure to some variety of Pegasus poison ivy.

He knew he was borrowing trouble. He knew that. No decisions had been made.

Guilt hit him before his thought fully materialized: he might not have to worry about it at all. If Sheppard died, Lorne would take over the first reconnaissance team and Radek might just be off the hook. Sad thing for Major Lorne, though. His level of tolerance for Rodney was less than Rodney's for lemons.

Not that Radek imagined his relationship with the major was in any way better.

That was incredibly selfish anyway. Sheppard wasn't going to die. It was unthinkable.

He stared at his computer screen and tried to figure out where he was and how he'd gotten so far off course.

Right. Colonel Sheppard playing hard to get.

He chuckled and found himself back at his starting point with the astrometric data.

"Radek."

Ah, work was just not happening today, was it? He glanced past his monitor and then back at it. "Hello, Anna."

"I didn't see you this morning," she said quietly.

Radek glanced around to make sure there was no one else in the lab. Miko was somewhere around here, but he didn't see her. Schreiber and Lawson were… Well, who knew where by now? "I've been here." He sighed, trying to remember exactly what he'd been doing this morning.

Ah, yes. It wasn't science-related.

He pointed at a desk in the corner, just out of arm's reach of his desk. Yesterday it was piled high with who-knew-what junk, and today it was mostly empty. A tablet, a connecting cable and a spare, and a lamp. It wasn't much, but it was what everyone in his lab started with.

"I really should have cleared a desk for you earlier, but better late than never, I guess?" He glanced at her. Anna looked relatively pleased with this development, though not very interested, either. "If you get tired of doing homework in the mess hall or quarters or… you know, wherever it is you do homework."

"Thank you." She ran her hand over the clean surface, picking up the coiled cord. She lifted it, and smiled at him. "Rodney never gave me one of these."

"He, um…" Radek didn't know how to finish that, so he just shrugged. Changed direction. "You heard about Colonel Sheppard?"

Anna nodded, and hesitated. "Yes… I don't know much about it. Are you okay, though?"

Radek looked at his hands for a moment and back at her. "Uh, yeah." He tried to make that not sound like a question. He knew what she was talking about, anyway.

Eliška's letter. Yes, he'd been trying very hard all morning to not think of that. Even with Sheppard's impending death, it rattled away at the back of his mind.

There was nothing to tell Anna about, anyway. She certainly wouldn't understand. Last night, he remembered why he'd loved Ela for so long. And why he'd hated her. It seemed wrong to feel nothing for her, now.

Maybe it wasn't nothing. It was how he felt three months after the divorce. He sat at the desk in his mother's house, desperately trying to finish a few calculations, and realized his pen ran out of ink.

Radek hated metaphors. And he hated pens.

He was glad for her last words to him, though. Radek didn't doubt that Ela wasn't thinking clearly when she wrote the letter. She wrote the letter with the belief that he could change, come back, be the person she'd wanted him to be. The person he sometimes wished he was. The person he knew Anna needed, but he wasn't.

Now he had to. Eliška, under the delusions of drugs and denial and death, believed he could be.

He just didn't know if he could.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, with more finality this time.

"Okay," she said. She sounded pleased enough about it, and he was thankful she didn't press for more detail… if she was even talking about Eliška's letter, after all.

He had no idea what she was talking about. Why did he ever bother pretending he had any clue at all how her mind worked?

"Um, I have a question."

Radek held his breath for half a moment and nodded.

"Do you like pie or cake better?"

Yep. He had no idea in the world what she was thinking. Ever. "Cake, I guess?"

"Hm. Okay. Thank you." She leaned on his desk for a moment and stared at his monitor while he stared at her. "Schnapps?"

He laughed. He couldn't help it. "What?"

"Do you like it?"

"Sure. What is this about?"

"Nothing." She pulled a stool over from another desk and slid up on it to, apparently, watch him work with the charting algorithms. She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a plastic sandwich bag with one of yesterday's cupcakes inside. It was squished, but it apparently didn't affect the flavor.

Radek didn't pay that anymore mind and tried to concentrate on the monitor. Anna didn't bring up any more food items, freeing him to fall into a steady rhythm fueled by a combination of coffee and anxiety. He was going to be put on a reconnaissance team. That was all there was to it. He needed to get used to it.

Sheppard would be fine and Lorne would have to learn to live with a scientist on his team. And Radek would have to learn to live with people shooting at him.


Next time: What terrible day. But things could always be worse.