Reminder:
"This is spoken English."
"This is spoken Czech."
This is a thought.
Previously: Anna learned (in chapter 88) that Radek's been keeping a pretty important secret from her (since chapter 84).
Chapter 89. Good Day.
It was supposed to be a good day. Doctor McKay was taking her with him to the ZPM room. The ZPM room was a lucky turn of events for Anna, even if she could think of better people to spend the morning with.
It was supposed to be a good day until the door slid open into the main room.
Elizabeth sat curled up on the couch next to Radek, a cup of tea ensconced in her hands. They both looked up as soon as she entered, conversation silenced. Everything, every little thing about this picture was wrong and she couldn't decide what it was about it, exactly.
"Jéžiš, nevěřím, že toto…" * Anna threw up her hands and made a U-turn back on her door. "I'm going back to bed."
"Anna." She heard Elizabeth stand up. Anna decided to give her the time of day, something she might not have given Radek. "This isn't what you think."
"It is six-thirty in the morning!" She spun back to see them, however uncomfortable it was to have both of them in her field of vision at the same time.
Fortunately, Radek rose and went to put the kettle on.
Elizabeth smirked. "I know that you and Radek have breakfast early. You two are finished eating before I even get up in the morning. I never see either of you when I have breakfast." She waited, but Anna didn't give any indication she was listening. She wasn't sure how comfortable she was with Elizabeth puzzling out their schedules like that. "I'm here to talk to you."
Anna waited for her to explain, but Elizabeth liked to be prodded into talking. She liked a certain give-and-take in conversation. Anna was used to prodding. That was usually the only way Radek said anything to her, ever.
"Alright. What is it?"
"I need to apologize to you. You've been kept in the dark for too long, and some of that is my fault."
Anna wanted to tell her exactly what she thought of that. In Czech, probably. But Radek was standing right there. She'd never realized it before, but vulgarities in another language wasn't the same when someone in the room could understand it.
"It's not really your fault," Anna said, casting an acidic glare at Radek.
He wasn't looking at her. Which felt pretty typical.
"But it is, and I need to apologize. Will you give me just a few minutes?"
Anna sighed. That look in her eyes was so sincerely apologetic, she couldn't possibly say no. Elizabeth was pretty good at making her eyes say things, making her intentions clear, sort of, only though subtle non-verbal communication.
How the hell did she and Radek ever hit it off? He was as dense as osmium.
"Go ahead," she mumbled. Anna walked toward the couch before deciding she really didn't want to sit there. She went over to the window and leaned up against it instead.
Elizabeth nodded and took a deep breath. She set her cup of tea aside. "I was afraid."
Anna blinked. When she wanted to apologize, she really went all out on the confession, didn't she?
"Imagine for a moment, Anna, that you are in charge of Atlantis." She was saying her sentences like questions again. Anna never realized how utterly annoying that was. "I can't ignore that I've had to send people to their deaths before. I can't ignore that I'll have to do that again. My personal feelings can't get in the way of the decisions I make."
She seemed to be making a pretty good argument for Anna about just one of the myriad reasons why this was a horrible idea. Whatever this was. "Then what are you doing?"
"My judgement is perfectly fine, with or without this. But I'm worried that no one will believe that." Elizabeth stared at her, again, like she was looking into Anna's soul. "Like you don't believe that."
Anna had to admit that she was absolutely correct. She wasn't sure what made her believe that, and she wasn't sure if it was true or not. But it really wasn't the point.
"That's why I asked Radek if we could keep it secret for a while," she finished. "Because I'm afraid of what people will think."
It was all Anna could do to keep from huffing in disdain. If that wasn't the single most stupid reason—
"It wasn't fair, though, for me to ask him to keep this from you. I should have thought about that. You're smart. You were bound to find out."
She wasn't bound to fall for that bit of flattery, either. "Is that all?" Anna asked with a sigh.
Elizabeth looked a bit distressed at Anna's tone, as she probably had reason to be. Anna wasn't buying that explanation, and she wasn't interested in any excuses, whether they were Radek's or not. And, even coming from Elizabeth's mouth, this sounded like Radek.
Well, Radek's excuse was probably something more like, I was too busy to tell you.
I let time get away from me.
I forgot.
Now that she thought about it, I was afraid wasn't entering the picture at all. Not even for a second.
It didn't matter if they were Elizabeth's words or Radek's. An apology didn't mean a whole lot when she felt like she'd been lied to, maybe for weeks. By both of them.
"Well, you might want to rethink that," Anna snapped. "Because if that's true, your judgment isn't fine."
Anna couldn't see through the stunned silence. Elizabeth didn't move. Didn't say anything.
"Anna." Radek's tone was low, angry.
"What do you want me to say?" Anna snapped at him. "That it's all fine? I forgive you? Well, it doesn't matter whether I do or not. You both can just go on living whatever life you want, pretending like I don't exist. That's what you want, right?"
"Anna, you know that's not true." Radek didn't sound angry anymore. "I made a mistake."
Okay, so that's what this was. A mistake. "Okay, well, it doesn't matter because I forgive you." She looked at each of them for a response, and Radek was the first to try. He opened his mouth, to say what, who knew?
Before he could finish, Anna said over him, "Nezajímá mě, rozumíš?" **
She walked out into the hallway before either of them could stop her or even say anything.
Anna stood there in shock for a few seconds before clearing the angry tears from her eyes and walking toward Doctor McKay's lab. If Rodney knew before Anna did, she didn't know what she'd do. Radek hated Doctor McKay. If McKay knew, he probably learned it from someone else, too. Which was just as irritating because, as much as Radek hated Doctor McKay, Doctor McKay hated Radek, too.
But Rodney wasn't in his lab when she got there.
She sat down at one of the stations and pulled up the files she was looking at yesterday. Something about the ZPM configuration…
She was too angry to think right now. She got up and left, not sure where she was going.
#
Radek stared at the door as she left.
He should have said something, but he didn't. Nothing came to mind. Nothing except…
He didn't want to live his life like Anna didn't exist. That was never what he wanted, but he never changed. Ten years did nothing. He was still the same person today that lost her back then. The same man that watched her leave just minutes ago sent her away when she was five.
"I'm so sorry," Elizabeth said quietly, pulling him back into the present from the recollections grating on his soul. "I don't know what I should have said, but that obviously…"
"It's nothing you did," Radek interrupted.
He didn't want her to come this morning, but he couldn't really blame her, either. Should he tell her where the blame should be? Surely she could guess. But if he said something, then she'd politely try to argue with him. She'd ask for explanations. And Radek would tell her the truth, because he didn't want to lie to her.
Elizabeth did him a favor, though, and didn't guess. Maybe because she knew. She hadn't figured out that she shouldn't be here, yet. She didn't know that Radek was a selfish and ignorant man who never learned.
He should tell her to get out now, shouldn't he?
But he wouldn't. He was selfish.
"We're both to blame," Elizabeth said gently, crossing the floor to stand beside him.
She put her hand on his shoulder and his skin crawled.
Radek shrugged her off and went to pick up his jacket. "Need to go talk to her," he mumbled. "I don't know what I'm going to say, but…" His voice trailed away.
"I know I'm not exactly the person you want to ask for advice right now, but it might be a wise idea to let her… have a few minutes to herself." Elizabeth went back to the couch where she picked up her cup of tea and looked at him thoughtfully.
That sounded perfectly reasonable. Anna probably wanted a few minutes. But she could take those few minutes as confirmation that she was a disposable part of life, that things might be better if she were back on Earth, not here, not with him.
"I have to make sure she knows that isn't what I want. I never wanted to live like she didn't exist." He shook his head. "But how is she supposed to believe that? I left one day and didn't come back. I don't know what Eliška told her. I hadn't seen her; I didn't get to tell her—"
He didn't want to think poorly of Eliška, didn't want to assume Eliška gave Anna the impression that Radek didn't care about her. No, Radek had done enough of that and didn't need Eliška's help. But he begged Eliška for another chance… did she tell Anna that? Did she pass on the one message Radek asked her to: that he loved Anna?
Elizabeth watched him intently, took a sip of tea. "We all say things we don't mean when we're angry. I'm sure Anna didn't mean that."
He shrugged into his jacket and went to the door. That was true sometimes. He'd said many things in anger that he didn't mean, didn't believe. Other times, anger made them say the things they knew were too true to say.
"I'd like to make sure," Radek said. "I don't mean to be rude."
Elizabeth nodded that it was fine. She watched him leave.
He didn't know where to go to find Anna, and after half an hour he felt like he'd looked everywhere. He went to his lab and Rodney's, the gym, the 'gateroom… He checked the mess hall periodically, figuring she might want to eat at some point. He made it back to the mess hall after checking the Jumper Bay. It was full now, everyone that Radek and Anna usually missed seeing at breakfast because they were always here so early.
He glanced around, and then, for some reason… looked up.
He remembered showing her the catwalk just under the mess hall's high ceiling in the first few days on Atlantis. Anna was up there, her legs hanging over the edge of the walkway, her head resting on one of the railings. She might have been watching at some point, but she didn't seem to be now or she might have seen him coming.
He climbed the stairs around the corner from the mess hall and stepped out onto the walk.
"Anna?"
She shuddered at his voice and mumbled into her arms, "Jděte pryč." ***
He walked closer anyway. "I don't know what to tell you, Anna. I really screwed up." He stood back a few steps from her and shrugged helplessly. "What do you want me to say?"
"Nothing. I want you to leave," she said.
How was he supposed to tell her he didn't want to leave? Never did, especially when Eliška told him that by the time he got back from his conference in Berlin, she and Anna would be gone. He knelt a few feet away and looked at the mess hall below.
"It's okay, you know," she said a few long minutes later. "I don't really care that you and Elizabeth are together. I like Elizabeth."
"I should have told you."
"I would have liked that," she agreed, and then shrugged. "But I don't care. It's your life. It's none of my business. Mom might have had boyfriends I didn't know about, and I don't care about that."
He was stupid, but not that stupid. Anna did care. And he couldn't even think of why he didn't tell her in the first place. He told her about his placement on Lorne's team before that was confirmed. He told her all the various times he wanted to kill Rodney, and that one time he was terrified Rodney was going to kill himself and take Colonel Sheppard with him.
He told her about Atlantis.
"It's not just my life anymore."
"But it was." Anna shrugged. "It's different now, and I'm sorry. It's not your fault Mom died. I'm sorry you have to live with it."
He didn't know how to respond, but she might as well have punched him in the gut. There was no good way to answer, either. He wished Eliška hadn't died… but he wanted the chance to be with his daughter, also. It wasn't fair both of those things couldn't exist in the same universe… Most of all for Anna.
"Anna, no, don't think that. I wish Eliška were alive, if—but I've only ever wished to have you in my life."
She got up and left.
"Anna, please…?"
She didn't respond.
And he didn't follow her.
Czech Things
* I don't believe this.
** I don't care, understand?
*** Go away.
A/N: You saw this coming.
Thank yous & etc.
MissMeow1968- It's true. But I suppose that's true about everyone to some extent. I'm sure things will turn out alright in the end, though. ;) Also... yeah, we're a bit away from Todd. The first time he shows up is about halfway through Season 3, so... well, I guess we're a tiny bit close, then. But then he disappears for an eternity. I don't know why Anna would meet him then. So we're not really all that close.
Adela- Glad you liked it! But, as you can see... yeah, I think Anna's having none of that. I hope you have a good weekend, too. :)
Next time: Breaking hearts is just so easy…
