Revised: 1/9/2021
Reminder:
"This is spoken English."
"This is spoken Czech."
This is a thought.
Previously: We rescued an alien pod (in chapter 108) and it somehow went both better and worse than it could have gone.
Chapter 115. Monsters.
Anna pulled her shirt on and looked at herself in the mirror. Her wet hair wrapped up in a towel, all the blood washed off her skin from the hot steam of the shower. Ronon was going to be okay. Everyone, apparently, was going to be okay.
Didn't mean it all was okay now. Didn't mean she was.
She held one hand up, and found it was now completely still, instead of shaking incessantly like it had been doing in the infirmary. She let her hair out of the towel and brushed it, putting it up in a tie before stepping out into the dark quiet of her room. It smelled clean, like her sheets and books. She was safe here.
When she looked at the door out into the main room, the most unsettling vision barged into her mind. Radek lying in a pool of blood, shot. Maybe by Elizabeth.
As if compelled by the uncontrollable thoughts in her head, she hurried toward the door.
The door slid open. Radek was on the couch, looking at a book in his hand until he looked up toward her. "Feel better?"
It took all of Anna's willpower to not cry again. She settled for nodding, since she couldn't speak, and glanced toward the door out to the hallway. It was locked, so only people with security clearance could get in without permission. People like Elizabeth.
Radek watched her, not saying anything, for what felt like minutes.
Anna straightened and nodded again, saying, "Yes, I feel better." Still shaking, but better.
"Good." He didn't sound convinced.
Maybe because he knew what it was like to stare death in the face. He sounded like he was doing just that in his video letter to her. Even if it wasn't a gun to his head, it was an uncertain future with a fate worse than one found in a bullet. At least, Anna wasn't sure whether she'd take death by handgun over death by Wraith.
Before she really thought about it, she asked, "Were you ever… have you ever thought you were about to die?"
Radek glanced at his book for a moment, the cover wavering in his hand as he seemed to be deciding whether to close the book or not. "Yes," he said finally, closing the cover and looking back up at her. "But it wasn't the same. We were exploring the city and accidentally let loose a virus that caused aneurysms."
"Oh."
Anna wasn't sure, but maybe that was scarier? It was different with Carson/Thalen, because she could at least ask him not to kill her, even if he wasn't going to be swayed by that kind of thing. You couldn't ask a virus or aneurysm not to do anything. It just did.
"I think the worst part was everyone panicking."
"You didn't?" Anna turned her face down, thinking back to what felt like only minutes ago. She'd panicked. Most definitely panicked.
"Maybe not on the outside," Radek allowed, "but I didn't want to die, of course. But, still, there was nothing I could do to change that we'd been exposed… I felt… trapped. I'm not used to that."
Anna nodded. She'd felt like that. Trapped in a straight path of decisions from this morning that led to that room. If only she hadn't decided to work out. If only she hadn't decided to go for a run. If only she hadn't…
"I think I'll go to bed now," Anna said quickly, feeling her thoughts spin out of control.
Radek took a deep breath, said, "Alright," but, again, didn't sound like he believed her.
Anna turned back into her room, but didn't lie down.
She couldn't handle being on a 'gate team, could she? Not now, not ever. She didn't want to have people pointing guns at her, threatening to kill her. She didn't want to see her friends shot, bleeding, maybe dying. If someone as strong as Ronon could be hurt like that, anybody else could easily be killed.
If their friends could turn on them, then nowhere was safe. No one was safe.
Anna slid onto her bed, but didn't get under the quilt.
She couldn't think this way. She was safe. Her friends were trustworthy. This was just an alien intervention that couldn't be prevented or planned for. These weren't ordinary circumstances.
But 'gate travel was never an ordinary circumstance, was it?
Just yesterday, she'd been so sure. She wanted to be on a 'gate team. She wanted to be strong and fearless like Teyla or John, invincible like Ronon, smart like Rodney. But she wasn't fearless, she wasn't invincible, and she wasn't smart.
The world wasn't safe. What happened to those Marines today could have easily happened to her or Radek. What happened to Ronon could have happened to anybody.
Danger. She didn't realize how much she'd been romanticizing it until now.
It wasn't romantic. It was messy. It was terrifying.
And now she didn't know what she wanted, expect to be safe and never go outside again.
#
Radek leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes for just a moment. He wanted to go to his room and to bed, but he could still feel the panic as if he still had the adrenaline coursing through his veins. Anna had gone to bed almost an hour ago, and he hoped she was sleeping.
What a day.
At least it was looking like everybody would be okay in the long run. Radek could check on Elizabeth and Carson tomorrow.
He opened his eyes again at the sound of the door to Anna's room opening. She stood there in her night clothes with damp hair, hugging her pillow like a small child might clutch a stuffed animal…
Radek remembered her nightmares as a small child. Eliška usually handled it, but every now and again she would come running to his arms. In the eyes of a five year old, he was strong enough to keep monsters at bay and drive bad dreams away. She probably knew better now, knew that he wasn't a monster-fighter or a nightmare-chaser. There were other, better people for that, people like Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne. They fought real-world nightmares and laughed about it over beer.
She still ran to him, though. Instinct cut deep.
"Can't sleep?" he asked.
She shook her head and stepped out into the main room. "Um…" She kept her eyes on the low corner of the room. "Can I sleep in your room tonight?"
Radek nodded before he really thought about it. "Yes, of course."
He wasn't sure if he wanted to go to bed right now, but if he took a moment to be extremely honest with himself… he preferred it this way, too.
Anna nodded, looked around the room as if trying to find a place in the corners she could stuff her embarrassment without being too obvious. Her eyes landed on the window to the distant Central Tower glowing like a beautiful blue and silver Christmas tree.
"Or your room," he offered. "I don't mind the floor. Or even out here."
She shrugged and shook her head. Whispered. "I don't care."
He nodded and stood. It didn't seem right that she should sleep on the floor while he got a modestly-comfortable mattress. He wasn't the one whose life had been threatened today… at least, not directly. "Wait here."
By the time Radek had changed into the t-shirt and shorts he usually wore to bed and collected his quilt and pillow, Anna was back in the main room with her quilt clutched around her shoulders like a cape. She seemed to be waiting for him to stake a claim on the floor space first, so he cleared a spot next to the wall of windows and spread out his quilt. Before he could fold it over like a sleeping bag, Anna dropped her pillow next to his. Apparently they were using one quilt as a mattress and the other as a blanket.
The last time he'd done anything like this, he was thirteen. Miloš had burned the house down. His little brother had only been six and felt terrible. No matter how angry Radek had been that they were sleeping on the frozen ground in a tent in December, there had been nothing malicious in it. Miloš was stupid and irresponsible and thinking ahead had never been one of his strengths, as was probably normal for six-year-olds. There would have been something malicious in turning his back on the little kid who was trying to hide he was crying from the father who'd been pointedly ignoring him for two days.
They settled down onto the floor. He rested back against the pillow, and even though the floor was hard and uncomfortable, he realized how truly tired he was. He could close his eyes and sleep immediately.
Anna laid down next to him, almost cautiously like she might break the floor. She laid on one side, facing him, and gave a shuddering sigh. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." That was nowhere near what he wanted to say but he was too tired to figure out what he should have said instead.
They laid in silence as he watched the silent city outside and listened for her breathing to even out in sleep. It didn't. In fact, she rustled about every few minutes until she was suddenly right up next to him. The next moment, her arm was wrapped around his.
Suddenly he was in a little apartment just outside of Prague, and Eliška wasn't home yet. Anna was five or six and he was exhausted. He hadn't appreciated it like he thought he should have.
"Sorry," she whispered.
He didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't. Instead, he asked, "Want to talk about it?" Also in a whisper, even though there was no one else around to disturb. Just something people did at night when it was time to sleep…
She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no, either. After a time, she asked, "Is everybody okay?"
"Yes, everyone's fine. Phebus and Thalen will be gone by tomorrow morning."
Anna tilted her head up, looking up at him. "How do you know?"
"I… don't have a good answer for that." He was the wrong kind of scientist. But, apparently, it was the most obvious thing in the world to Carson that Phebus would only be staying with Elizabeth for a day at most. "I don't know anything about how the brain works. But Carson said—"
"Carson is an alien right now," Anna reminded.
"I know." Radek turned his head to see her still watching him with glassy blue eyes. "But he wasn't an alien when he said it."
They were both quiet for a while, and Radek was momentarily worried that she'd never want to leave this room again. She'd seen firsthand how, sometimes, Atlantis was a terrifying place. He remembered his epiphany, accepting that he was going to die unless somebody came up with something in about five minutes. Even when everything was fine, he stayed put in his quarters for twelve straight hours, and not just because he was exhausted.
The next time he went outside, he accepted that he'd just put his life in Rodney's hands, and hope that Rodney maintained his track record.
"I panicked," she whispered so softly he almost missed it. "I panicked and I didn't move. I didn't know what to do."
He wanted to tell her that was a good thing—her life had thus far been perfectly good. No danger. Nothing exciting. But that was hardly comforting, because when it came down to a life-or-death situation, she now knew there was little she could do. It didn't matter if she tried to hold on to life; life had to hold her, too.
Radek detested that realization as much as she did. They both knew he was no monster-slayer, and he couldn't always be there for her. He'd try, but when it came to it… it was Anna and life. And that was all.
Today, she won.
"It's okay to be scared." He didn't want to say something trite like it's most important what you do in spite of being scared, but that was almost true.
"Ronon wasn't scared." To that, Radek wanted to say that he was pretty sure Ronon wouldn't be scared even if his arm was off. Ronon didn't seem to respond to danger that way. "Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne are never scared. You weren't scared. Even Rodney wasn't scared."
He was somewhat gratified that he'd been able to hide it, and Anna, at least, considered Rodney more likely to be afraid than he. Even if it wasn't necessarily true.
Even if it wasn't true at all.
"No…" He sighed, tilted his head to rest against hers softly. "No, today I was more afraid than I've ever been in my life." Impending Wraith invasion, death-viruses, and shadow monsters all included.
With a sniff, she pulled her head back to look at him.
"When I didn't know where you were or if you were okay." She probably couldn't understand that properly until she was a parent of her own children. It was his job to keep her safe, and in many ways that was what he was paid for. He kept an eye out for hive ships with a new urgency now. "When they found you and I didn't know if you were hurt."
"I'm sorry…"
That was hardly the response he'd intended to get from that confession. "You don't have anything to apologize for. Doctor Cole said you really helped Ronon today; I don't…" He wasn't sure where he was going with that. He shook his head and directed his gaze to the ceiling. "I'm so proud of you."
"Proud of me?" She whimpered again, like she was about to start crying. That wasn't the response he'd expected, either. "But I was so scared."
"That's why I'm proud. Because you were scared, but you didn't give up."
Even if Doctor Cole had been lying about her effect on Ronon's prognosis, Anna had been brave even though she'd been, by all accounts, scared out of her mind. As much as he hated to think about it, as much as it shook something he previously thought immoveable at the core of his being, Anna had faced death today. She'd done that for herself and for Ronon.
She slayed the monster.
"I don't want you to be afraid again… I wish you never have to be. But I know you probably will. And I know you'll be brave like you were today." He wasn't sure whether that was the right thing to say or not.
She was crying again, the tears soaking through his sleeve into his shoulder.
He turned and pressed a kiss into her hair. Shut his eyes. He could probably count on one hand how many times he'd cried after the age of twelve. After his mother's funeral was the last time he remembered, drinking alone in her empty apartment and cursing his brother. He could think only one thing would break him now, and he'd known it before today even though the universe saw fit to remind him. It hadn't happened, so he wasn't broken. He was, surprisingly and as if by a miracle, whole. He only prayed that would never happen. He wasn't religious, but he prayed.
The last thing he wanted was for her to fear the life she'd won for herself tonight, but he didn't know how to fix that. He figured he could tackle it tomorrow, along with everything else. He heaved a sigh and found Anna's hand attached to the arm wrapped around his. He slid her fingers between his own and listened to her cry softly with nothing to say about it.
In the grand scheme of things, at this moment, it was a wonderful sound. A small price to pay for monsters slain.
Next time: Your attempts to comfort me are ill-advised. And that's even with the generous assumption you'd be any good at it to begin with.
