Previously: We rescued an alien pod (in chapter 108), and, boy, did that go badly!


Chapter 116. I Have My Reasons.

Radek's back was killing him and he doubted he'd gotten four cumulative hours of sleep last night. Anna had a nightmare, jerking awake with a whimper at three in the morning. That was why they were on the floor in the main room, just in case. The monsters were slain, but the ghosts remained.

The rest of the night was uneventful, except for tossing and turning. He didn't have the heart to extract his arm to try to find a more comfortable arrangement for himself, so he dozed off and on until the sun rose.

Chalk that up to another all-nighter courtesy of an Atlantis emergency.

Of course, a sleepless night had its own terror for Radek. He didn't know how close he'd come to losing his little girl yesterday, and he didn't want to know. It wouldn't keep his mind from traipsing off in all the wrong directions regardless of his proximity to the world's end. He'd lived without Anna before because he knew she was safe and reasonably happy. He was sure he couldn't if something happened to her.

More afraid than he'd ever been… Yes, he was perfectly comfortable with that characterization. He didn't dream about it, mercifully; but he held her a little closer when she did, and was never more grateful to be so uncomfortable sleeping on the floor. Or trying to sleep, anyway.

As quietly and slowly as he could, Radek rose from his place on the ground, his shoulders and spine objecting with creaks that were ten years older than he was. Anna blinked into wakefulness and looked at him in confusion. She held his arm more tightly against her, the wordless discomfort and fear in her eyes reflecting that of a much littler Anna.

"Sorry," Radek whispered. "I'm not going anywhere, just making coffee."

She nodded and finally let go of his hand. He got up from the floor, watching her curl up into a cocoon made of both their quilts and sigh. "Did you sleep at all?" she asked.

He smiled a little on his way to the waiting coffee maker. "Not really. You?"

"No."

Well, that spoke well for their activities the rest of the day. Of course, he wanted to go see Elizabeth, make sure she was okay, and he could do that on any amount of sleep. Though he wasn't sure about the wisdom of leaving Anna alone in this delicate state, much less bringing her with him to face the man that had held a gun to her head yesterday.

With a shiver, Radek counted the rest of the coffee into the filter, closed the lid, and pressed the button. It gurgled pleasantly.

"I was hoping to go see Elizabeth this morning," he said softly. Carson would probably be there, too. Whether he'd yell at Carson for his irresponsible heart was still on the table…

The quilt cocoon rocked back and forth where her head was hidden inside. He wasn't sure what that meant, but he decided to give her a moment to find her words. It would give him a minute to figure out what he was going to say if she didn't want him to go.

"You don't have to come with me," Radek said.

The cocoon rocked a bit again.

"Anna, I'm sorry, you have to use words. I can't see you."

Anna's head popped out from the quilts and she looked at him. "I don't want to go."

"Are you okay here alone?"

Anna thought about it for longer than Radek was comfortable taking as a yes, no matter what words she landed on. She was clearly uncomfortable enough with the idea that she couldn't be sure yes was the right answer. On the other hand, she was sixteen years old, and probably didn't want to be treated like a baby no matter how traumatic yesterday had been.

No wonder he'd never been great at this whole interpersonal interaction thing. Was this an unusual level of subtlety, or was everything more or less like this and he'd never noticed?

"I think I'm okay…" Anna said quietly.

"I won't be gone for long. And I'll have my radio with me the whole time." He didn't know if that was comforting to her. It was to him. She hadn't had hers yesterday… If there was a lesson to learn from this… well, that was one of them. Not the only one. "If you need me, I am less than ten minutes away."

Maybe he shouldn't see Carson today…

"Okay."

"I really don't mind staying…"

"I'm fine."

Maybe he wasn't fine. If he left her here… he wouldn't know for sure where she was. With a sigh, he leaned on the back of the couch and looked at the little coffee pot as the level crept up to full.

"You want coffee?" he asked.

She nodded again.

By the time he'd poured them each of a cup, Anna's supplemented with cream and sugar, she was sitting on the floor. The quilt curled around her and flopped over the top of her head. She took the cup and sipped it. "Thanks," she said.

He toasted in her direction in answer before gulping down half his own cup.

"I think I'll make French toast while you're gone."

Radek felt his eyebrows raise practically on their own, and even before he looked at her. She smiled. "I'll be back before they get cold, then."

Radek left Anna still wrapped up in a quilt. She called him on the way there ostensibly to tell him they only had enough bread for this morning's toast. She didn't say anything else of substance, but she kept talking about making French toast. He didn't interrupt and waited outside the door to the infirmary until she was done.

He didn't know what he expected when he got to the infirmary, saw Carson propped up on a pillow leaning back against the raised half of his gurney. He had a small trade paperback in his hand, the front cover folded around on the back. He apparently hadn't read but a few pages. It took no small amount of concentration to ignore the burning anger in the center of his chest as he looked past Carson to see Elizabeth still sleeping on the gurney on the other side.

Carson looked up from his book, offering a wan smile. "You're up early."

He would have been better off saying nothing at all. "Yes, of course, I am." He managed to keep his voice low, but all of the venom was still there. Maybe a little more than necessary, but… "What, do you think sleep somehow came easy?"

Hell, he was justified in this. He practically didn't sleep at all.

Carson averted his eyes. "Sorry…"

"You'd better be," Radek said, and immediately regretted it. He wasn't this person, was he?

Yes. Yes, he was. Anna thought she was going to die yesterday, had a gun pointed at her head yesterday. Her futile attempts not to cry at three in the morning were still fresh on his mind. The roads down which he never wanted his mind to go were nearing well-travelled. It would be better tomorrow, and the next day and the next, but today Carson deserved a bit of lambasting.

"I want to apologize to her, as well," Carson said.

His reaction, though internal, was more violent than he expected. Like every internal organ and bone in him cringed or flinched, something in him withdrew from the conversation without actually moving his body. "Today's probably not the time for that, you know?"

"No, no, I…" Carson sighed, shook his head. "I know."

Did he, though?

"How is she?" Carson asked quietly.

"What do you want me to say?" Radek asked, keeping his tone low to avoid Elizabeth waking up in the middle of one of those screaming matches Radek was so famous for. But that was usually because Rodney was involved. Carson didn't yell at anybody. Not that Radek could remember, not in anger.

"I can take the truth," Carson said.

Better than Radek was, at least where Carson was concerned. Anna would forgive Carson before Radek did, he had no doubt. But that was only because she didn't know Carson made the decision that got them here despite plenty of reason and advice not to. And if Anna found that out, it wasn't going to be because Radek told her. That was as close to forgiveness as he was going to get, at least right now.

With a sigh, Radek finally forced himself to return the eye-contact Carson had been looking for since he walked in. "We barely slept last night." When Carson pursed his lips, his eyebrows dipping like the expression on a sad puppy, Radek looked away. "She will forgive you. It will take a while, but she will."

Carson seemed to consider that, taking measured breaths and setting his book aside. "I notice you made the distinction between both of you and just Anna…"

Radek stiffened, wishing he could walk out, but he was here and didn't want to appear more childish than he was sure he already did. He didn't expect to be called out, but of course Carson would do something like that. "You said you wanted the truth," Radek said. "You may not have pointed the gun, Carson, but you sure as hell gave it to him. What's his name…?" He didn't care, but it was as close as he could reasonably get toward changing the subject. Not that he necessarily wanted to talk to Carson about anything else.

"Thalen." Carson supplied the name, then, despite what Radek thought would have been good judgement on his part, continued, "He was never going to hurt her."

"You can't know that!"

"We had joint ownership of my synapses; I know everything he was thinking. He wasn't going to hurt her."

"Look, it doesn't matter anyway, because we told you this would happen—" Interrupting himself with a few vulgar phrases that did little to make him feel better, Radek walked around the bed to Elizabeth's, effectively turning his back on Carson. Once again, all the paths he didn't want to travel seemed the only way for his mind to go.

He shook his head, scrubbed his face with his palms, and looked down at Elizabeth, quietly and peacefully slumbering. Perhaps she would have nightmares, too. He slipped her hand into his, and wrestled what felt wild enough to be rage into submission.

"I'm sorry, Radek, I—" Carson's voice broke, but he tried again. "I made a mistake. Forgive me?"

Radek didn't answer. All of them were making mistakes, but Carson and Elizabeth's were some of the biggest and most disturbing of them all. Thalen wasn't Carson, and Radek supposed he needn't forgive the man who held a gun to his daughter's head. He was dead, and the dead didn't need his forgiveness. But right now, these days, it didn't seem like Carson was Carson without the excuse of a long-dead alien consciousness.

After what seemed like minutes of silence, Carson found his voice again. "Ronon was lying on the floor, bleeding out, and Thalen wouldn't listen to me. Anna was begging for her life, and, whether it was me or not, I'm the one she was looking at. You think I don't feel terrible about that?"

"I think you do. You're not evil, just stupid." Radek cast a glance over his shoulder to see Carson was as close to tears as he'd ever seen him. Not quite there, but still dark. Almost tortured. He'd lived a nightmare of his own design. Radek could, at least, find some sympathy for that. He'd made mistakes and bad judgement calls, too; he just liked to think he avoided making strings of them. On the other hand, he made weapons and sometimes handed them to criminals.

"Anna knows Thalen isn't you, and I won't tell her you ignored every last bit of good advice before making the decision that led us to where we are now." He put Elizabeth's hand back down on the sheet gingerly, even though he was sure he was about to wake her anyway. He turned toward Carson, and that tiny bit of rage unchained. "But if your pet monster downstairs does anything to hurt Anna, you will be personally responsible for that."

Carson blinked, and he seemed to try to say a few different things before finally settling. "Yeah. Alright."

"Good morning," Elizabeth murmured behind him.

Radek spun and picked up her hand again. She didn't fight him, but she glanced to Radek, then looked away. "Good morning," he said. "How are you feeling?"

"Awful," she sighed, and focused on Carson.

With a look at Radek, as if asking for his permission, he offered Elizabeth a bracing smile. "Good morning. Phebus sure hung in there for a bit."

"When… when did she…?" Elizabeth asked.

"Sometime in the middle of the night."

"That was… that was the strangest feeling, you know?" Elizabeth asked. "The entire time I was shouting to everyone, but nothing I wanted to say would come out of my mouth." Her eyes slid slowly over to Radek. "I tried to do something, but I couldn't."

"Aye…" Carson said gently, and this time his glance at Radek was more meaningful. "It was a real nightmare. This may be a long road of recovery, so don't rush it."

"Oh, god," Elizabeth whispered. She looked between them. "Ronon—how is he?"

"Teyla and Rodney just went to see him. He's out of surgery," Carson offered.

Elizabeth took a deep breath and nodded. There was no… permanent damage to what Phebus had done. At least, Radek hoped not. Ronon would be fine. Lorne still had a headache and wounded pride. Radek wanted to talk, but definitely not right now and probably not today. Anna would be fine. Everyone… would be fine.

Sort of. Carson paled the moment Elizabeth brought up Ronon. He put his fingers through his hair and muttered, "You know, I really should apologize to Anna."

Elizabeth looked at him, as though any distraction would do. Even one as emotionally scarring as Carson threatening Anna. "What—did he—?"

Radek waited for Carson to explain himself, though he doubted it would lead to any increased sympathy on his part. Carson didn't speak for a while, though, and Elizabeth turned her eyes up to him.

"You know," Radek sighed, not sure how to play this. "The usual terrorizing people with firearms." He deliberately didn't look at Carson.

"Oh. So… she's not…"

"Oh, no," Radek said, hoping he didn't sound too flippant over his relief. "Psychologically traumatized, maybe; not physically injured."

"Good." Elizabeth nodded, and looked at Carson. "Did they believe you were… you?"

"You're gonna have to ask everyone else," Carson said. "Actually, I think the only people who believe one-hundred percent are Doctor Cole, you…"

"And me." Caldwell appeared and walked to the foot of the bed. He stood staring at each of them in a way that almost betrayed his words. "In fact, I can safely say that I know how you feel."

Carson chuckled uncomfortably. "I suppose we understand one another a bit better now, don't we?" Carson didn't seem sure that was a good thing.

Neither did Radek. Add "harboring an alien consciousness" to his list of things to never wish on anyone. He never paused to consider the implications of Caldwell's playing unwilling host to a Goa'uld before.

Elizabeth cleared her throat. Her guard went back up. Her eyes cleared of almost all emotion entirely as she looked toward Caldwell… though not directly at him. "Well, thank you, Colonel, for keeping a potentially explosive situation under control."

"Uh, Rodney said you did a good job," Radek offered. "And I agree."

"Did he?" Caldwell glanced at Radek with raised eyebrows. Maybe Radek and Caldwell had more in common than he knew. After all, Rodney seemed to insult the competent most. At least… Radek liked to think that. "Well, maybe there's hope for me, yet." He smiled at Elizabeth.

Elizabeth paled immediately. "Oh, god, no, don't believe anything she said." Then she looked at Radek, raising her eyebrows as if to indicate that directive was for him, too. "Not a word."

"I—" Caldwell frowned. Radek glanced between the two, trying to figure out what might have transpired to cause this reaction and whether he'd been there for it. Obviously something Caldwell didn't think much of… "Don't give it another thought. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm sure you both agree the paperwork on this is going to be a nightmare." He pursed his lips and put on a smile. "Try not to kill each other while I'm gone."

Elizabeth half-smiled and gave him a subdued thumbs-up. Caldwell left the infirmary.

Radek looked from the infirmary entrance to Elizabeth. She slid down under the sheet, staring ahead blankly. Radek might have thought she was doing all right. This could have been just like any other morning in the infirmary. She could have had her appendix removed and not an alien consciousness.

Except for the tears in her eyes.

"Radek, I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Elizabeth…" He squeezed her hand, but wasn't sure what else to say. There was nothing to forgive, but he could give it anyway. "It's alright; it wasn't you."

She looked at him. "You didn't believe her, did you?"

"No, of course not."

"Because…" She shook her head helplessly and looked away. She didn't finish. She didn't deny everything Phebus said, she didn't say anything about it. He wanted to ask her if she was okay, if they were okay. Maybe only so she could lie to him. Say everything was fine. Even though it wasn't. She wasn't. It was glaringly obvious, even to him.

"Do you need anything?"

She smiled ever so slightly and shook her head. "No. Thank you, though. Is… can you…" She took a deep breath and started over. "Will you tell Ronon I'm sorry? And I hope he feels better soon?"

So, she wanted him to leave.

That was as good an answer as any.

Radek glanced over to Carson, still sitting on his bed. He wasn't reading his book anymore. His concern was plain, but so was the impression that he didn't have any more idea than Radek what to do about it. Radek decided, perhaps a bit too quickly, he was perfectly fine with leaving things this way between them.

Radek took his hand back from hers, nodded slightly. "Yeah, yeah. Of course."

He started to walk away, but he couldn't just leave her here. Looking like that. He turned back.

She looked at her hands, head bowed in shame. She was drowning in it.

"Nobody blames you, you know?" Carson, on the other hand…

She smiled ruefully. Shook her head. "You're wrong, Radek."

#

It had been two days. They were each sleeping in their own rooms (as far as she knew; it was possible Radek was sleeping on the couch and she wouldn't know) again, and the nightmares of the first night had faded surprisingly quickly.

It wasn't Carson. She just had to keep telling herself that.

She didn't miss that she wasn't the only one that needed to hear that. Radek tried to hide how absolutely furious he was at Carson, but she'd noticed.

Her posture really had gotten terrible since coming here. She slouched against the back of the couch, the neck of her violin pointing toward the ceiling as she picked out a melody she'd never heard before. She never considered herself creative enough to write songs, and she still didn't. Still, she'd run out of music she wanted to play, and going outside alone was still, apparently, a non-starter. Surprisingly, she hadn't gotten terribly annoyed at Radek yet, either.

Whether he'd gotten annoyed with the hours of violin-playing, well…

"What am I going to do about genetics class?" she wondered idly. She still didn't think she could face Carson, and had said as much this morning when Radek walked her to Doctor Brown's office so they could talk about harmless topics like monocots and dicots.

Radek looked up from his tablet for a moment, then back down. "I'll see if Doctor Keller would be amenable to meeting with you instead."

"I can't do this forever…" Anna sighed.

"It's been two days," Radek said. "Hardly forever."

"When does it become forever, then?" It was another idle question. "That's how it works, isn't it? One day, you do something you've never done before and before you know it you're doing it every day like you've always done it."

Radek didn't answer, even though he was no longer looking at the tablet on the table between his elbows. His eyes went from one side of the room to the other, like he might find his cue cards there. Finally, he looked at Anna squarely. "What are you talking about?"

Anna quickly bowed a series of three notes and answered, "Are you going to avoid Carson forever?"

"Again." Radek sighed going back to the tablet. "It's been two days. I don't usually talk to him every day anyway."

"I'm not mad at him. Why are you angry at him?"

"I'm not angry. I guess I don't bounce back as easily from being scared out of my mind."

Anna didn't even need to think about that. She discarded her violin to the cushion next to her and spun, hanging both her arms over the couch's back. "Yes, you do. You don't hold grudges; if you did, you couldn't work with Rodney."

"Rodney never held a gun on my daughter."

"Neither did Carson." When he didn't answer, Anna frowned, squinting at him. "You don't seem to have this problem with Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth didn't have a choice."

He paused, took a breath. He said something he hadn't meant to, and Anna couldn't figure out what it was… except that Radek seemed to think Carson did have a choice in the matter. Anna knew for a fact that wasn't true. She had only to think back, listen to the words Thalen said to her and how he'd said them to know it wasn't Carson talking.

"Why do you care about this so much?" he asked.

Anna shrugged. "Because he's your friend." And, really, if Radek couldn't forgive him for something he wasn't ultimately responsible for, then should Anna? Not that she considered Radek a pinnacle of morality, but he still was incredibly intelligent. That had to count for something.

When the door chimed, she bounced up with more energy than she knew she had, discarding her violin on the couch cushion carefully on her way. She swiped her hand over the lock and the door slid open. She glanced in Radek's direction to see he had an eyebrow raised at her, half a smile.

She looked back out the door and almost choked on her breath. "Doctor Beckett!"

"I'm sorry; I don't know why I expected Radek to answer the door…" Doctor Beckett looked more sheepish than she'd ever seen him, but her heart rattled like it was trying to escape her chest. It wasn't Carson.

"My o vlku…" * Radek stepped up behind her, a hand on her shoulder. She took a step back into him, almost involuntarily, but smiled. It's not Carson.

"Am I a topic of conversation?" Carson asked.

"Tangentially," Radek answered, his tone abrupt nearly to the point of unfriendliness. Or perhaps Anna had been imagining it, since he added, "Talking about biology classes."

"I see." Carson looked at Anna for a moment, and then at Radek. He apparently didn't see what he wanted to see in either place. Finally, he focused on Anna. "Since I'm here, I wanted to tell you I'm really very sorry, Anna."

She shook her head. "It wasn't your fault."

"Yes, well…" Carson sighed, glancing at Radek for a moment, and then back. "I did make a mistake. It was a lapse in judgment. I never wanted to scare you. I hope you'll forgive me."

"It wasn't you."

Carson smiled a little in response, but it hardly seemed genuine.

Bracing herself, Anna stepped forward into Carson's surprised embrace. After a moment, he returned the hug in earnest. She felt his cheekbone resting against the hair on her head. "Of course, I forgive you," she said.

"Thank you," he whispered. It was so quiet, she thought Radek might not have heard it. "Thank you."

Anna heard Radek sigh behind her, and Carson stepped back. "Uh, Radek, Rodney sent me to you for help with the, uh… power. There's power fluctuations someone needs to look at before I go down."

Anna looked back over her shoulder at Radek. He set his jaw, suddenly reverted from the little progress they'd made in this conversation. Anna didn't doubt that it would take them time—all of them, even though she'd forgiven Carson almost immediately—to get back to normal. She hated to be the reason Radek was having such a bad time, but there was something flattering about it.

"Yes. Of course," Radek said, then looked at Anna for a moment before looking back at Carson. "I'll go to the Central Tower and call you when I'm there."

"Oh. Alright." Carson nodded and took a step back. "See you then."

Anna barely got to say a hasty later to Doctor Beckett before Radek closed the door. Anna glared up at him. "You don't have to be rude."

"Yes, yes, I'll apologize. Stay here, please."

Anna smirked and watched him go get his tablet from its position on the table. He walked around the room picking up the other implements he usually carried with him, like a stylus and wire cutters and a bull-whip's worth of cable.

"Don't worry about that," she said. "As long as you promise you'll give him a chance."

"Anna…?" Radek came back toward her, toward the door. "You don't exactly have all the information when it comes to what's going on between Carson and me. I can't tell you what it is right now, but will you believe me that I have good reason to be wary of his judgement at the moment?"

That might have been nice to know before… on the other hand, she hoped she would have said she forgave him anyway. He seemed to really need it. "All the more reason to be nice, then; if he's making so many mistakes he probably feels pretty badly about it."

He thought about that. "Shouldn't he feel bad about making bad decisions?"

Anna shrugged. "Maybe, but you don't have to feel bad about it, too."

For a long moment, he looked at her. Maybe he thought he was going to argue with her, maybe he thought she had a point. He didn't say anything in the end, leaving with little more than a goodbye and he'd be back soon.


Czech Things

* The Czech phrase for "speak of the devil," which is "we speak of the wolf."


Thank yous

Silverhawk- Thanks! I hope you continue to enjoy it.

MissMisfit- Yeah, that was definitely a fun one, and a lot of directions it could go in... unfortunately, I feel like a backed myself into a corner a little bit as far as the timeline goes. We'll see how it works out. Suffice it to say, yeah, there's gonna be a lot to rise above in the near future. A lot.


Next time: Is that why everything's so crazy?