Author's Note: First chapter of 2020! Woot!


-Chapter 76: Accountability Partner-

Location: the Jedi Temple/the Dominance

"We all need someone to lean on."

It was only a few days into 3633, things were supposed to be different. She had vowed to change, this was going to be the year she did it! But Ahsoka found herself right back in the same place, the same state of mind, one glove off and a razor in her hand. The scarred underside of her arm lay facing her, exposed for anyone to see. The fresh razor blade hovered above her flesh, threatening to make a new mark across her arm or open up an old scar again. Dark thoughts clouded her mind, guiding her hand towards another act of self-harm. She couldn't help it, she needed to make the pain go away.

The sharp edge of the razor touched her skin before the tip sunk down into her flesh. Ahsoka grimaced as a familiar stinging flooded her senses and drew a quick red line before withdrawing the blade. Her shaking hand opened and closed reflexively, trying to shift her focus to something other than the pain... and the guilt... and the shame...

The red-lined razor threatened to make another go, to draw another mark across her arm. But Ahsoka forced her hand to stop where it, a sudden thought flashing through her gloom like a lightning bolt. Where did this stop? What would cause it to end? It wouldn't, not unless something different happened.

She needed a change.

Another thunderous thought struck her mind, offering her a solution. Ahsoka recalled a holocom, largely untouched, but still a way out of this. That would mean exposing her failure, allowing him to see her vulnerable and weak. The fear that took hold of her nearly drove her to make another cut on her arm. But she stopped, fighting back the urge to follow through. The Togruta knew that unless she did something about these cursed thoughts she would struggle and fight and lose. She needed something to make them go away.

He could make her thoughts go away.

Ahsoka knew there was one thing left for her to do. If she wanted to make those thoughts go away, then she needed to talk to him. Putting the razor aside and reaching for her belt, she withdrew the communicator he had given her and simply held it in her hand for a moment. It felt so heavy, even heavier than the burden she often felt on her own shoulders. It was so hard for her to do, an absolute chore to simply reach out and turn the thing on. One last rebuttal flew through her mind in an effort to keep her from calling him. But she knew that if she didn't, those thoughts would return and, likely, a few more cuts along with them. Knowing she needed to do this for her own sake, Ahsoka toggled the power switch and opened a call directly to Wraith's communicator. The holodisplay flickered as the connection was made and solidified, the blue light beginning to take on a shape. His upper body and head soon appeared before her, his helmet nowhere to be seen. He tilted his head to the side as they were connected.

"Hello, my dear." He softly greeted, always so courteous when she was around. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.

"Hey Wraith." She greeted. "Do you... have a moment?"

"Always." He replied. "Let me guess... it's the urge to cut flaring up again, correct?" Her face fell.

"Yeah." She quietly mumbled. She absolutely hated it when someone else broached the topic."I... I-I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to think about something else, I... I just revert back to... those thoughts."

"Your mind has developed a habit. Every time you think those thoughts it follows the designated trail that leads to self-harm. You've got to stay strong, tell your mind that's not how things work any longer." He told her, breaking down the science behind her issue.

"I know... and..." She took a breath, trying to steady herself. "And I need help. I need to talk." She finally admitted. Wraith nodded in understanding. "Can you... spare a few minutes?"

"For you, my dear Ahsoka, I can give you all day long." Wraith responded, bringing a smile to her face. "Tell yourself, right now, that you'll hold off cutting for another minute, hour, day, week, whatever you can manage. Then keep saying that, out loud, over and over again, everytime you feel the need to cut." He began. Ahsoka took his words as instruction and closed her eyes, taking a breath and calming herself, attempting to purge the thoughts from her mind in effort to maintain a sense of temporary peace.

"I won't cut for another minute." She said, eyes still closed.

"Good." Ahsoka opened her eyes to see Wraith's gentle expression gazing back at her. "Now, how are you doing? Have you cut yourself today?" He asked. Ahsoka instinctively shook her head, knowing full-well she was lying. "That's good. How about yesterday?"

"No." She answered. That was the truth.

"Good. That's good, Ahsoka." He praised her. The Togruta nodded and smiled, hiding the shame she felt internally. The praise was not deserved, her lie weighing heavily on her conscience, like a thorn deeply embedded within her soul. Wraith continued, oblivious to the facts. "Tell me how you're feeling. What are you thinking about?"

"It's... not so much what I'm thinking as much as it is... what I'm remembering." Ahsoka explained. "I... I remember some of the... harsher battles. B-But sometimes they're... not what I remember."

"How so?"

"I-It's like they're similar but... but different. Like r-really different."

"What do you mean by different?" Wraith gently asked, seeking further clarification.

"Like... they're things that are... inspired by what happened, but could never actually happen." Ahsoka told him.

"So they get more vivid. More... imaginative." He described, for lack of a better word.

"Yeah." Ahsoka quietly agreed, nodding as she did.

"I see." He thoughtfully mused.

"They... They really freak me out." She admitted in a quiet voice. "They... keep me awake at night."

"Is it recurring?" Wraith wondered. Ahsoka nodded. "I can only imagine what it's like." He whispered, trying to relate to her. Reflecting on her many experiences, Ahsoka relived many of the emotions she felt in those moments; fear, terror, shame, guilt, "Still, I'm proud of you for not cutting yourself. That's some real progress." Ahsoka could only nod, knowing otherwise. His happiness pierced her and she felt even worse. "You're working to change this habit. You should feel real good about that." Ahsoka smiled and nodded. But it was an empty smile. She felt no pride, no happiness. Only guilt for maintaining her lie. "From here you can keep building. Focus on this positive thing and use that as a foundation." Ahsoka wanted this to end, she couldn't bear talking to him under such a false pretence. The sensation of blood trickling down her arm, which was out of Wraith's view, continually reminded her of the truth. "Try not to cut for another day, call me if you need to. Let's get a streak-"

"I cut myself today!" Ahsoka blurted out, unable to take it anymore. An uncomfortable silence ensued as Wraith stopped and simply looked at her, his expression lacking any emotion. But Ahsoka just knew he was disappointed in her. She'd lied to him, covered up her actions to try and please him. He realized the truth now, his expression indicating as such.

Ahsoka felt her eyes burn, her tears welling up. She tried to fight them off, hold them back, but her emotions betrayed her. Ahsoka started to quietly sniffle and looked away, ashamed of herself. Wraith didn't say anything more, much to Ahsoka's fear. He was probably judging her, viewing her with such disappointment.

Just like she feared the Jedi would.

She closed her eyes and silently cried, tears falling down her cheeks as she became consumed by her failure. Curling up into a ball, Ahsoka just wanted to shut everything out.

But someone wouldn't let that happen.

As she sat on her bed, Ahsoka suddenly felt a pair of arms reach around her and pull her back into a familiar, solid warmth. Wraith cradled Ahsoka to his chest, the first time he'd held her since New Year's Eve. He did nothing further, using no words to describe his simple gesture of care and concern.

"I'm sorry." She cried.

"I forgive you." He whispered. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, Wraith did his best to comfort his dear Togruta sweetheart. "Why did you lie?" He softly asked.

"I... I-I don't kn-know." She answered through sniffles and tears.

"If it's because you were trying to impress me, please, never do that."

"I... I think I j-just didn't want you to... s-s-see me like this." Ahsoka admitted. Wraith gently guided her face to his.

"We all have our down-moments. It's okay to admit that you failed." He softly said, wiping away her tears. Taking hold of her bloody arm, Wraith pulled a tissue from one of his pockets. "Let's clean you up." He set to work wiping up all the blood, cleaning up her arm. Once that was done, he retrieved a personal medkit, seemingly from out of nowhere, and properly treated her cut, dressing it and treating it with a bacta spray. With a clean white bandage over her cut, Wraith was satisfied this had been dealt with.

But now to tend to a far more important matter.

Ahsoka had calmed down, reduced to only the periodic sniffle. Wraith kindly looked her in the eye and softly said, "You had the strength to know you needed help today. You called me when you could've avoided it, you knew you needed to talk. That's a big step." His hands cupped her face, thumbs tracing the markings on her cheeks. "I'm proud of you." Ahsoka smiled, his words meaning a lot to her. Her fears had been washed away by his genuineness, assured now that Wraith did not view her as she feared.

He was not ashamed of her, but proud of her. He did not despise her state, but cared about it.

"Just take one day at a time." He continued. "Call me whenever you feel the need." Ahsoka nodded.

"I'm... sorry I lied." She apologized again.

"I forgive you." Wraith responded, giving her a quick kiss on the lips that made her smile. "I love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care." He solemnly promised. "Don't hesitate to call me. Okay?"

"Okay." Ahsoka agreed. They hugged, sharing one final embrace. Ahsoka then turned and reached for the old razor, only to discover it had vanished. She made to ask Wraith if he'd taken it, and discovered he was gone as well. Although surprising, it was rather expected, given the unstable and unreliable nature of these connections. In the wake of this conversation, Ahsoka found a sense of strength to fill her, a new purpose to drive her forward. Remembering his words and knowing Wraith was in her corner, the Togruta felt much better now. She didn't have to suffer alone. She could do this.

3633 would be the year.

In the safety of his own quarters, Wraith held the bloody razor in his hand and examined it for a moment. Then he flicked it across the room and into his trash receptacle.

"Right where you belong." He muttered.


Author's Note: Had to keep it short, due to life. You'll get longer ones in the future. Promise!